build up, let down

you know when you prepare yourself for bad news? you psyche yourself up; you hope for the best but prepare for the worst; you role-play in your mind how you're going to react. and then the bad news comes and you don't react the way you think at all? i'm going through that right now.

i just found out, not 24 hours ago, that The Ex is married. he got married. we broke up because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and that he just wanted to chill with his friends and be a guy but what he was trying to say, without hurting my feelings, was that he didn't want to marry me.

i knew that. i knew that for many years after. he got together with this girl - the Rebound Girl - not two months after we split up. maybe the feelings were there even sooner.

i always thought i would be devastated when i found out that he married her and had kids. settled down. gave his life to her. why wasn't i good enough for him to give his life to?

i said i never wanted to know, and yet i always tried to figure it out on my own. i figured i was just being my usual masochistic self - you know, make myself sad and miserable so i can cry "woe is me!" and have an excuse to feel sorry for myself for a few weeks.

i don't think it was a surprise when i found out. i didn't feel hurt. i didn't hate him (or her). i think the only ill feelings i had were that i wanted desperately to feel hurt and betrayed and angry - i just couldn't. i can't muster any hurt feelings at all. it's kind of weird for an old emotional masochist like me.

when i finally decided to end the relationship, i told him that i just wanted him to be happy. and if it wasn't with me, then so be it. i hope he's found happiness with her. i mean that.

and he said to me that he hoped that i would find someone that was good enough for me and who would treat me better than the way he treated me because i deserved so much more.

we always hear, "it's not you; it's me" and we all know that it's not entirely true. depending on how you look at it, it is you. or it's not. in my case, it was me. he knew he wasn't good enough for me and so he let me go. he realized it right away. it's only taken me six years to realize it for myself.

freedom.