chasm

my dad just phoned me. he said he just wanted to talk. i thought that was weird. and then he started talking and i could tell that he had been crying. he asked me to talk to my brother because he was worried that my brother just wasn't independent enough. and he isn't. he doesn't go out much by himself. when he and my dad go out, he just sticks with my dad and doesn't go off on his own. at first, my dad was just sort of venting - how he was tired of making dinner and my brother not eating anything because he didn't like it. and then he re-iterated that he thought he was a terrible father, and then i started crying. he said he was afraid that if he were gone, my brother would be alone - he wouldn't go to live with my mom but he wouldn't know how to live on his own and take care of himself. and then he started sobbing. do you know how hard it is to hear your stoic father sob on the phone and say to you, "i feel so alone." it's hard. it's really, really hard.

he talked more about how he felt like he had no life because all he did was work to live. he was concerned about his expenses (sound familiar? wonder where i got it from, eh?) and how he would never have enough money to do the things he wanted. i pointed out to him that his lifestyle was not so different now than when he was with my mom and they had two incomes. his argument was that at least now, he didn't have to explain to anyone why he bought something. i told him it was a small trade-off to live comfortably. he told me there was no chance for reconcilliation, and he was firm about it, but i said that wasn't what i meant. i meant that he had an opportunity to live the way he wanted, but he chose not to. so now, he has to figured out how to do it a different way. he lamented again about no money and that his car payment was holding him back. i asked him how much longer he had to pay it off and he said, "until next september." i said, "but think about how much money you'll have once you pay that off. you've been in your new place now for a year and it's flown by. another year and you'll have an extra $500 in your bank account. then, four months later, you can go to the Philippines. you just have to take it month-to-month." he seemed to understand that...at least, i hope he did.

the only time i ever regret my parents splitting up is times like this. if both of them had just tried a little bit hard to understand each other and were a little bit better and communicating with each other, they'd still be together. and probably a less alone than they are now, apart.