under pressure

i've just officially had a panic attack. and now i'm making pizza. my last meal, so to speak.

my procedure is tomorrow - exactly 12 hours from now. i am worried. i am scared. i have this very unnerving feeling that i may not make it out alive. i'm not kidding. i don't really want to get into it, but i feel that perhaps my time has come. i don't want to die, but it may be that's what happens. maybe i'm over-reacting. i don't know. i guess i'll find out in 14 hours.

i haven't had a panic attack in a very long time. i started getting anxious when i left work (at 6:30, thank you very much). made it onto the skytrain and then to my station. as i was walking home, my heart started to beat faster and i felt a bit queasy. about 3 minutes into the walk, i started to tear up. i tried as best i could to hold it back but the minute i walked through the front door to my apartment, i lost it. i started hyperventilating and i was crying uncontrollably. i'd say that was a panic attack, yes?

i've calmed down since and i'm currently making a sundried tomato, spinach and feta cheese pizza. i've eaten three cookies in the meantime. i'm very nervous.

Doc Tardy just left a message on my voicemail, reminding me that this procedure was routine for the surgeons and not to panic. i started to cry again.

i think it's better that this happens now, rather than tomorrow. they may not do the procedure if i'm overly-anxious. then again, maybe they'll give me a stronger sedative. wish me luck.