sour grapes

once again, i had a fantastic time with MGF tonight. i met him at his office (there was a misunderstanding as to where we were supposed to meet - he meant i should come upstairs and meet him at reception and i thought we were going to meet where we always do in the lobby of his office building. a mock argument ensued and a bet was laid. i think he was unclear as to his instructions but we'll see tomorrow.). we walked to his apartment because he wanted to change his shoes (they were new and his feet hurt). we got to his apartment and we chatted while he changed out of his work clothes (he always keeps the door open, the little perv). he suggested we go to McD's for ice cream. i jumped on that bandwagon pretty quickly. we walked and talked. stood in line and talked. i stood back and let him order, watching the cashier flirt shameless with him (in front of me, how rude!) while he was completely oblivious ("how many ketchups would you like?" moan, moan, wink, wink). we sat on the library steps, as we always do, had an impromptu picnic and people watched. we talked. while i don't know how the subject even came up, he complimented me on how i looked ("you look amazing today. black is a really good color on you."). then i mentioned to him that i had a date after i met with him. we talked about it and he chastized me for agreeing to go out with someone when i had no real feelings for him. i was thisclose to standing my date up and spending the rest of the evening with MGF.

he offered to drive me to the date because i would've been late otherwise (actually, he said, "let me drop you off where he can see me and you can tell him i was your 5 o'clock!"). as we walked back to his apartment, and i verbally agonized over why i was going out with the guy i was about to go out with, MGF said, "why don't you just tell him you met someone? tell him that you've met someone that you want to get to know better." and i said, without really thinking, "you mean, what i told you?"

as the words came tumbling out of my mouth, i looked at his face. he sort of smiled as he realized the truth to what i had just said but he didn't look at me. i tried to make light of it, laughed and gave him a hug as we were walking, and he laughed and said, "oh, don't touch me now!" i managed to save some face by saying, "well, i obviously picked the wrong guy back then, now didn't i?"

i love being with him. i feel we get along so well. i'd like to think that eventually, one day, we'll end up together but i don't think it will be that way. a combination of bad timing and poor frame of mind (the latter on my part) prevented us from forming more than just a friendship and i think bad timing and circumstance will prevail. i know it's not positive thinking but at this point, it's not going to happen.

c'est la vie. zut alors!

done.

i am emotionally burned out. i think that's the best way to describe it. i would literally like to just hibernate for about a month or two - no socializing, no phone calls, no chatting, no online dates, no going out. just me in my apartment, reading or writing or pondering the meaning of life. alone. by myself.

it kind of scares me when i get like this. i mean, i'm fully aware of it so it can't be all that bad. and it's not as though i haven't been on the phone or visited with my friends this weekend. but just the thought of having to converse and be interested in someone i know i'm not interested it - that takes too much energy. i've already let one of my online potentials know i'm not interested. i only have a few more to go. maybe i'm not ready. maybe i really am too picky.

there's this lady at work who has been talking about setting me up with her son's friend. i'm open to it but today, i asked her, "how tall is he?" and she said, "oh, not tall. average, i guess." she said not much taller than my OC, who (if he didn't slouch) is still only about 5'10". i responded with an, "oh." and she said, "oh, this girl. you are picky. no wonder you haven't met anyone!" that may be so, but i don't think that makes me wrong. i mean, one of the guys i'm "dating" right now told me how much he weighs. it turns out (although i didn't say anything but in hindsight, perhaps i should've), i weigh 5 lbs more than he does. that freaking sucks. perhaps that's when i lost interest. and i know that's not much but how many men do you know want to weigh less than their significant others? and how many women want to be physically larger than the guy they are dating? if that makes me shallow, then call me a puddle.

i hate it when they try to figure out everything we have in common. maybe i really don't like them but it just irritates me. i don't want someone exactly like me - i need someone who's different from me but can appreciate what i have to offer (and vice versa). great, you like to stay home and do nothing on your days off? that's a selling point, isn't it? you're really going to encourage me to be more than what i am.

fuck i'm cranky. i'm going to bed.

p.s. coffee with MGF tomorrow (assuming he doesn't reschedule again). i'm looking forward to seeing him, just not the date i have afterwards.

before sunset

there was a delightfully refreshing moving that came out in 1994 or 1995 called "before sunrise". it starred ethan hawke and a french actress/singer named julie delpy. if you don't know it, the story is of these two young people who meet on a train heading to vienna. she is on her way home to france from budapest and he is stopping in vienna to catch a flight home to america. after chatting on the train, he convinces her to stop in vienna and kill time with him while he waits for his flight home the next morning. she agrees. they spend the evening wandering the streets of vienna, taking in local culture but mostly, talking. i loved this movie because it wasn't your typical love story set-up. anyway, they part and vow to meet in vienna six months later.

in 2004 or 2005, they released the sequel to the movie called "before sunset". it takes place 10 years after their parting in vienna (while the girl doesn't look too much older than the 10 years that have elapsed between the making of the movie and the time in the movie itself, ethan hawke looks like hell - he looks about 30 years older). he is now a successful writer who is stopping in paris on the last leg of his book tour. she is an environmental activist who lives in paris and comes to his book signing, hoping that he will remember her. he does. they spend the movie wandering the streets of paris, talking about their lives since their last meeting, and what their lives would have been like had they actually met up when they said they were going to (he showed up; she had to go to her grandmother's funeral; he wrote the book about the night they spent together in vienna). i loved that they took up the story 10 years later, and 10 years after the last movie was released. real time, real aging (at least on julie delpy's part; what the heck happened to ethan hawke???).

i tell you about this because both movies were shown last night on tv, back-to-back. i didn't watch the first one (truthfully, i have both on DVD) but i caught the second one just as he was doing his book signing at the paris bookstore and he sees her for the first time. the first time i watched the second movie, i don't remember what kind of headspace i was in but i cried at the end - not because it was sad and not because it was happy. i don't remember why. so, i watched the second movie again last night because i wanted to see what would happen. and i cried at the exact same spot. and it wasn't a happy or a sad cry. mournful, i think would be a better description.

it's the part in the movie where jesse and celine are riding in the car, driving celine home on his way to the airport to leave her for the second time. they are finally talking, discussing, airing out their feelings about their parting and what their lives might have been like had they met up again in vienna like they planned. when i was watching it last night, i started to get emotional when celine starts to lose it slightly and starts talking about how much she's been hurt in relationships and how now, she feels like she's unable to really love anyone. how every guy she dates ends up marrying the next woman he dates after her. the last emotional straw for me is when jesse tells her about his marriage and how he's tried everything he could to save it and the only reason he's in it is because of his little boy. he says that he doesn't want to get divorced at 52 because he realizes he never really loved his wife at all. and then he says that his idea of romantic love was never the same after the night he spent with celine in vienna. that he's never been able to feel the same way about anyone since then.

this one scene makes me realize that no matter how well you think you've dealt with your emotions in the past, there's always something left over that is going to be tweaked by the most unlikely thing and you'll have to deal with it, albeit on a smaller scale, all over again. to write this entry, i watched the scene again. and it made me cry again. and as the movie demonstrates, memory and emotions are powerful things, even if you're uncertain which one is driving the other.

breakthrough

last night, as i tried to get to sleep with a million and one things on my mind, an idea for a story came to me. it was just the premise and i only managed to get the first two paragraphs written at 11:30 last night but it's something. i'm inspired. i'm writing again.

not in the mood for criticism

i just need a pep talk.

i'm sitting here crying (finally). part of me is thinking, "i don't understand why he doesn't like me." before you roll your eyes at me, another part of me is thinking, "you have no less than four guys who are looking to see you again. why are you so hung up on this one?" why? i know why. i just don't understand why. why?

why do i not believe i deserve better than my OC?

why am i so focused on getting him to like me (as a friend or otherwise) that i feel nothing towards these four very nice guys that are asking me out on second and third dates?

why am i not allowing myself to emotionally distance myself from him?

OMG, does all of this really stem from childhood? a psychological need to be accepted? i know i'm like that - but why am i making special efforts for him? i just don't get it.

if you are going to respond in an e-mail, then tell me something i don't already know about this stupid, emotionally one-sided situation i've trapped myself in. can't think of anything new? then don't say anything. just pray that i come to my senses soon. did i tell you that A has already moved out of her love nest and back in with her sister? it seems like the break has happened sooner than anyone thought.

i got three e-mails today from former co-workers, forwarding a memo from the big boss at the AG's office that paralegals will be "tested out" in an 18-month long pilot project. i also learned today that i am still being covered under my old work's medical plan, even though it's been at least a year since i've paid any premiums and at least three years since they have. it's almost like it's a sign: the mother ship is calling me home.

on a similar note, my Mentor said to me today, "they may hire another paralegal to help me and take on all of the Ninja's stuff." i just smiled and nodded but internally, i was thinking, "WTF? i'm a freaking paralegal and i work for the Ninja! why do they need to hire someone else? if anything, they need to hire another secretary to take on my stuff so i can start doing what i was trained to do!" mother ship, indeed.

strange things are afoot at the circle K. is it a full moon?

the blahs

is anyone monitoring the days i feel "blah"? it's starting to feel like it's more often, or perhaps the days are starting to run together.

it was one of those days when i stopped at one point and thought, "how did i get to work today?" i didn't feel like flirting with my OC. i didn't feel like standing and conversing at reception. i wanted to just sit in my chair and spin. i feel very indifferent today. like, if the world were to end tomorrow, it wouldn't make a difference to me. it didn't matter whether i ate or not. it didn't matter whether i went home or not. and even though my neck and shoulders are hurting again, it doesn't seem to matter if i get an appointment with an MT or not. heck, i'm not even overthinking anything right now. yes, indifference has set in, at least today.

i figure it's because i had such a busy weekend. i was non-stop from friday 'til last night. i don't even have the TV on right now. no music. nothing. i've been sitting on my couch, staring at the wall for a good 15 minutes. i'd actually like to go to sleep. maybe i should.

i don't even think crying would help. you know, sometimes you just need to cry. i don't even want to watch my sure-fire crying aid - imagine me, indifferent to seeing Ryan Gosling in "The Notebook". i can't even use exclamation points right now.

blah.

pest from the past

picture it: i was sitting at my desk on friday afternoon, working away. my phone rings. it's a transferred call from the switchboard. i have a couple of messages that i had left in the morning, plus one of my lawyers is out of town but in contact by phone. i answer and i hear, "hi." it's not a voice i immediately recognize so i wait a brief second for him to follow up with, "i'm just returning your call." he doesn't say it. i finally say, "who's this?" he says, "it's mike." i immediately think, "shit - is this greek-mike, hell's kitchen-mike or banker-mike?" a split second later, the voice registers in my head and i say, "Oh. Hi." i told you it wasn't over yet.

i was civil. i didn't get upset at him for phoning me at work and i even asked him how his new job was going. he asked me how i knew and i said, "the last e-mail you sent me had your work signature on it." he said, "oh, you mean the last e-mail you ignored and didn't respond to?" i said, "yes, that one." we didn't talk long and at the end, he said, "well, you have my e-mail if you ever want to say hi." i said, "yup."

when i got home, he had sent me an e-mail. it went a little something like this:

Thanks for taking my call. I hope you will read this and understand things a little more.

I wanted to tell you so many things before, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t in the right place to do anything in my life, let alone include someone in my life. So why did I even start seeing you? I don’t know - I was selfish? The smart thing for me would have been for me to recognize where I was in my life and stay away from you until I had a clue what I was doing. And for that I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you in any way. I never meant to be aloof around you. I never meant to act as though I didn’t care or that you didn’t matter – because I did care and you do matter! I was just in the wrong place in my life and I was being selfish. Without a job, I was drinking way too much and carrying on like an idiot half the time. I had no consideration for anyone but myself and for that, I’m sorry. I never, ever meant to make you feel like a “doormat,” as you once said to me. You’re a very special person and you deserved more than I was giving you. I understand why you pulled away.

For the record… that is not who I am. I am not a jealous person – I never have been. I am a very caring and considerate person who loves being in love and spending a lot of time with the one I love. I wish I would have let you see more of that side rather than the ugliness.

Having said all of that, in the end I had extremely strong feelings for you. I still think about you all the time and it has taken every ounce of strength not to call you or show up at your door. I e-mailed earlier you because I was hoping you would e-mail back and then I could explain all of this. I am not trying to get back into your life, because I understand that that ship has sailed, but it has been killing me that I never got the chance to say what was on my mind. I understand if you hate me, but I wanted you to know that I am sorry for everything and you really did mean a lot to me – even if I never showed it.

I would like it if you could respond to this e-mail. I am not looking to be exonerated from anything, but I do want to know if you understand. I’m quite sure you have already dealt with all of this on your end and I am sorry if I am bringing up bad memories. But I really needed to tell you all of this because the person you new six-eight months ago is not who I am.


And yes, I did send a response (just now):

i understood all of this a long time ago. i don't want to sound insensitive or clinical about this but it seems counter-productive and almost self-destructive for you to keep going over this, particularly six months after the fact. i made a choice to continue seeing you, even though i knew that you had just broken up with a long-time girlfriend and that you weren't interested in anything serious. i made a choice to continue seeing you after you told me you didn't want to see me anymore....twice...in two months. i also made a choice to stop seeing you.

i know you think i hate you but i don't. i've told you several times in the past that i didn't hate you but it seems that you want to believe i do. that's your choice.

finally, just a comment about how you say that you're not a jealous person and you never have been. you are an educated and intelligent person so surely you must realize that how one person sees themselves is not necessarily how another person sees them. for example, i think of myself as shy and reserved. my close family and friends think this is bullshit and people that just meet me casually think i'm a snobby bitch. so who's right? a lot of experiences contribute to a person's opinion of someone else and i never met the mike that you know as the 'real' mike. there's not much that you (or i) can do to change that. it's water under the bridge. it's done.

i hope me answering your e-mail helps you put this whole thing behind you and i know you understand that by answering, it doesn't mean i'm inviting you back in to my life. this was simply for me to dispel any bad thoughts you might still have and to confirm that i think you're a good person and i'm glad you've got your life back on track. let's leave the past in the past and continue on our respective paths.

best of luck.

i was going to be a lot more abrupt. but i knew that would just invite a retaliation. why is it always the ones that aren't good (enough) for me the ones that chase?

on a different note, A, who just moved in with her boyfriend of 8 years about a month ago, is moving back home soon. when i questioned her about it, she said that they were fighting a lot more than usual and that it was time for a break from each other. she said this as she was trying to snuggle up with my OC at joey's on broadway. i met them for drinks on friday night. it was the Student's last day and that cutie friend of my OCs was there too. for a spell, i was sandwiched in a squishy, odd-shaped booth between my OC and his cutie friend, who claimed to have a paper route. we spent the evening chatting about his paper route (oh, he was totally bullshitting, by the way, but it was the conversation we chose to expand and embellish for the night). my OC's ex (of several years, i learned) phoned. i learned that he had recently lent her $500 because she's going to europe (and he booked the tickets for her) and that they are talking about being business partners. she's a fashion designer. i asked him if she was involved in the fashion expo at the plaza of nations this weekend that showcased new and upcoming designers. he said, wryly, "no, she's taking a more low-key approach to developing her business." they broke up december 31, 2002. he looked sad talking about her. i felt bad for him. but at least i have a little more insight. it helps.

rhetorical question

am i ever going to have a first date where the guy doesn't talk about his ex and i don't end up pseudo-counselling him about their breakup? i need to stop online dating.

i had yet another first date tonight. it's this guy that, everytime i go back to my dating site, he messages me. so, we finally met. oh, was he ever cute! quite the talker too (that's a bit of a strike against him but he was really nice). and then, we were talking about parking tickets and speeding tickets and he managed to slip in something about his ex-gf, whom apparently he has been broken up with for...oh, a month and a half. oy. he talked about their relationship and how he knew it wouldn't work from the beginning but he went out with her anyway. it was an interesting dinner (yes, dinner and against MY better judgment). i was actually the one who started the "date wrap-up" talk (you know, "so, what are your plans for the rest of the night?" and looking at my watch) and he kept talking. he hugged me as a greeting and as a goodbye so i'm not sure if he likes me or not. we'll see, i guess.

the guy i went out with on wednesday, the one i wasn't sure whether he was into me at all, phoned me last night and left a message saying he had a lot of fun and he wanted to see me again. it's funny but if i had just judged him on his profile on the site and his two messages he's left me, i would never, ever have considered going out with him. but he's one of those people that you really just have to meet to "get". i'd definitely go out with him again, just because he's lived such an interesting life that i'd like to know more about him (although apparently, i could read his mom's book and read all about it). he's probably the only guy i've been out with that didn't mention another woman once during the entire conversation. what does that say? although, he didn't walk me to the skytrain - in fact, he asked me to wait with him at his bus stop. geesh, where is the chivalry??? at least the guy today offered to drive me to the skytrain. don't worry, i walked. he was cute though.

my OC and i had a very flirty day yesterday. we had this e-mail exchange that probably could've gone on forever. at one point, he said something about eating better because he was watching his figure. i said, "i've been watching your figure - you've trimmed down in the past year, haven't you?" he responded with, "no, but i would say the same to you." it was fun. today, he was grumpy. i don't think i said more than a few words to him. tomorrow is drinks after work for the Student's last day. i won't be able to go. friends whom i haven't seen since march are more important than some guy who only pays attention to me sometimes. :)

epiphany of sorts

there is no magic to online dating, i've finally discovered. i think the idealist-dreamer in me figured that as long as i had a profile up that asked for what i wanted in a guy and in a relationship, i would eventually meet someone who fulfilled my wish list. i'm finally starting to realize (i.e. it's starting to sink into the thick skull) that online dating is not the answer to my relationship woes. since i started online dating many, many moons ago, i've had several first dates. several. lots and lots. i've run out of appendages to count the number of first dates i've had. but i could probably count on one hand (the one with five fingers on it) how many second dates i've had. in five years. not many. so what's the deal?

i've done the whole "online dating is too clinical and methodical" -thing. then i embraced the fact that online dating is really "just another way to meet people". and now, i think i really need to get out at lunch and walk around and smile at people. seriously. i think it's the only thing i haven't tried.

when i really am thinking clearly and with normal levels of estrogen (and testosterone, for that matter), i would really like to be in a relationship now. i'd love to meet someone, fall in love, get married and have a couple of kids. and a dog. and a white picket fence (kidding). but at the same time, i really, honestly and truly believe that if i never find someone, i'll be okay with that. what's the saying? "a life without love is not a life but a love with no life is no love at all"? something like that. but it's true. i'd rather have a life with no love (i.e. romantic love) than a "romantic" love that was just there because you didn't know what else to do with it. i've been there and done that and it sucks. i've spent too much time in relationships that i was too scared to leave because i thought i'd never find anyone else. or that it was too comfortable to leave. or that i would just stick with it until i found someone else. so much time wasted, so much time spent trying to convince someone to love me when they didn't deserve the love i gave to them, so much time convincing myself that things would get better when i knew (not so deep down) that they would only get worse, so little time believing that i deserved better. so little. none, actually.

the idealist-dreamer me believes that there is someone "out there" for everyone. but the realist me knows that relationships are complicated and that i am still trying to carve out a place for myself in the world and perhaps i need to decide which one is more important to me. and, the guy for me might be living on the other side of the world and i may never meet him (which is why i need to travel more). of course, cynical me thinks that perhaps one of the several different guys that i have dated or been friends with or met but discounted, may have been The One, although at this time, i can't think of which one that might be.

i like to think that, outside my own life, i have heightened clarity of vision - that i can see life and the world around me from different perspectives and that i know that seeing things from multiple perspectives allows me to appreciate the complexities of people and life and situations. but it amazes me how difficult it is to step outside myself and sort out my own life. actually, i am able to step outside myself and assess my situation, life or what have you, from an all-points perspective (stop laughing). what i am not able to do is do anything about it. it's like i stand on the sidelines, watching myself make the same relationship mistakes over and over again and i'm helpless to do anything about it. i am emotionally unable to do anything about it. i hope too much. i dream too much. i'm too scared. i'm too emotional. i think too much. i don't take enough chances.

to condense a piece of writing by Nadine Stair (age 85) to really sum up what i hope to do with my life now, and not what i hope to do the next time around, "if i had to live my life over, i would take fewer things seriously, i would take more chances...i would perhaps have more actual troubles but i'd have fewer imaginary ones...."

here's hoping.

digging myself out of the hole

fuck. why do i let myself do this to...myself? i really do need professional help - not a matchmaker or a dating coach. i need counselling. i think i really do enjoy being miserable, pining after him. even Baby Man noticed that my OC was ignoring me at after-work drinks today. when i asked him for input, he said, "that's between the two of you." this from the guy who, two days ago said, "he's excited about his Canada-US relations conference but he doesn't have anyone to go with. why don't you go with him?" he was weird today - my OC, not Baby Man. did i mention that after the boardroom renos are finished, my OC's office will be even closer to my desk than it is now? when he walks down the hall towards his office, he'll see me. he'll have to take the route by my desk more often because now that route is closer to the library than his old office is. oy. thankfully, i won't be able to see him anymore from where i am. i think him going on holidays in a couple of weeks will be good for me. distance makes the heart grow fungus. i did say to my boss today, "do you realize that once renos are over, your office will be sandwiched in between the two loudest people in the office?" doors will need to be closed more often.

poor travis. poor, poor, cute little blonde technician travis. let's face it, benji did have a lot of personality but the celine dion show is basically contemporary choreography. it's mia that choreographs the show! i bet she'll hire travis anyway. she should. he's cuter. yes, i can say that i was happy for benji but i wasn't pleased with the results, overall. and now i can't wait until next year!

so, the guy i had such a good time with, that reminded me of MGF? the one that asked me if he could call me when he got back and we could go for a walk or dinner or something? he's been back a week and hasn't called or e-mailed. i knew it.

the guy i was 45 minutes late for - he cancelled thursday night. i'm hoping he just doesn't call...or rather, e-mail...again. no chemistry. none. fizzle.

one date scheduled next week for thursday. it's a guy that, everytime i go back on my dating site, he always sends me a message or a pre-fab "hello". always. this time around, i finally said, "you know, we say hello to eachother everytime i put a profile up but we've never met. let's bypass all of this and just go for a coffee." i gave him my number a few weeks ago and he finally called me the other night. next week it is. he's half-greek too. oy!

slippery slope

ok, so i'm not helping my cause. i haven't been paying much attention to my OC directly but admittedly, i did leave two animal crackers strategically placed in his office today. i couldn't stop myself, even in my own head.

i chose a sad looking panther and a picasso-esque elephant (they're store brand so they're not as detailed as the real animal crackers). i wasn't sure he'd like them because he likes the sweets. but about an hour after i left them and after he finally found them, he sent me an e-mail. he had written me an Animal Cracker Haiku. it is, by far, the cutest thing he's ever done. holy F:

"(I) eat elephant
Calorific confection;
Endangered delight."

square one. or two.

on a different note, i was on my dating site tonight and this guy IMs me. it's obvious that we've met before when he says, "hope you're doing well - i guess you're in your new condo now..." but his profile doesn't have a picture so i have no idea who it is. we chat for a bit and i ask him to send me a picture or tell me his name. he refuses and says that we went out for dinner a couple of months ago. i can only think of one guy that i met off the site that i went to dinner with but he's taller than this guy is (his height is posted on his profile). i'm about to start randomly giving out names and then he says, "to be honest, i'm insulted that you don't remember me. i remember you, even without a picture of you." after a few more little hints, i finally remembered who it was. i don't remember his name but i do remember that the first 20 minutes of our dinner was him talking about how much money he had. then, he talked about his ex for awhile (not surprisingly, she's filipino too). then, when i mentioned i was going to greece in a month, instead of doing what normal people do and ask about the trip, he said, "oh, my birth father lives in greece. i've never met him but i'm thinking of going there and surprising him...." and he continues on about his family history. and then, he doesn't call me (not that i wanted him to but his excuse was, "i figured you were busy."). and i'm supposed to remember him? i do remember him, but for all the wrong reasons. oy.

my lunch date yesterday... he was cute. and funny. and charming. and then, he asked if i was filipino (you know nothing good can ever come of this question). i said yes. he said, and i'm paraphrasing but it was basically like this: "my ex, you know - the one i lived with in coquitlam - is filipino. yeah, she had two girls - 11 and 13 - and when i moved in with them, i wanted to be like their dad but they wouldn't see me that way. my ex thought i was too strict and i told her that if they were my kids, i'd be even most strict..." it went on. and he went down a few points on my scale. despite the fact that he spent the whole lunch either staring at me or telling me how beautiful he thought i was, i am unsure about him. i should've started talking about my ex, just to see what he would say. in any event, he asked me what i was "looking for" and i said that i was just looking to meet new people, make new friends and see what heppens. nothing serious. i meant it.

am i ever going to meet anyone normal? or at least, someone that doesn't talk about their ex the first chance they get?

let me check my calendar

is it normal to be this busy? i mean, seriously, i've actually had to tell potential dates that i'm booked this week, how about next week? do people actually say that??? in any event, my date tonight wanted to reschedule to either tomorrow or thursday but i am busy on both nights. he also suggested friday night but i don't make plans with people i don't know very well on a friday night. let's face it - friday is the end of the week and i don't want to be spending it with someone who might not make it fun! terrible, i know.

just so you know, the guy that cancelled on me tonight is the one that, on our first date, started telling me about this civil claim in which he and his company are named as the defendants and then said, "i'm going to save myself some money and defend myself. depending on how things go with us, maybe you could help me out." huh? i basically tried to brush aside the whole thing by suggesting he bring a motion to have the matter dismissed and he said, "well, next time, let's go for dinner and i'll bring the file." ok, buddy. in any event, i agreed to go out with him again. girl's gotta eat, right? yet, his voicemail today was something to the effect of, "i'm sorry i have to reschedule so let's go somewhere that's more convenient for you. maybe the cactus club or the keg...or something cheaper. anyway, give me a call...." Oh, no he didn't! did he really say "something cheaper?" oy.

i was on MSN last night talking to a guy that i met on another site (Hi5 - bad idea). turned out to be older (36) and filipino (ugh). in any event, this guy that i had added to MSN from my dating site IM'd me (usually they don't after i haven't been online for weeks and weeks). we ended up chatting and i suggested we meet for coffee sometime next week (you know, because i'm booked this week). he agreed and i said something like, "coffee or lunch or something" and he said, "lunch tomorrow? sounds great!" he works 3 blocks from me so we were planning on meeting at 1 pm today. i signed off on MSN and then looked at my calendar and realized i had a birthday lunch today. so, instead of avoiding talking to him on the phone and just e-mailing him (as i am wont to do), i phoned him, apologized profusely for the mixup and we made a date for tomorrow at lunch instead. he had an accent of some sort - maybe russian? anyway, i have a lunch date for tomorrow.

thursday is with the guy that i was 45 minutes late for our date. not too thrilled about seeing him again. i hope he suggests a movie.

had a minor setback with my OC today. as per my usual MO, i stayed out of his way and ignored him when he wasn't speaking directly to me if we were in a group. he must sense a change because he's been taking the route past my desk much more frequently than usual and he's trying to catch my eye and smile at me when he does walk by. i was chatting at reception for the first time in the past couple of days, delivering candy for the ladies up front. they were both going, "mmmmmm. mmmmmm." in a rather inappropriate way and one of them said, "where did you get these? who gave them to you?" and my OC happened to walk down the hall towards us at that moment. they both looked at him and continued to "mmmmm" and one of them showed him the candy wrapper. he stopped and leaned on the counter and said, "huh. i haven't gotten a candy in awhile." we all chatted a bit about the candy and who it belonged to (i pointed at him and he said, "she holds it in trust."). he talked about his upcoming holidays and where he was going (not with whom, though). he hung out for much longer than he normally does and we walked away together. The Ghost came in to meet him for lunch today. i walked by my OC's office as he and Baby Man chatted about work and as i walked by, the Ghost was walking towards me. i smiled a big smile and said, "hey! how are you?" and with an equally big smile, he said, "good! how are you?" i didn't hang around to chat with him, although i should've.

i sent an e-mail to the OC that just said, "when are you leaving for holidays?" he answered, "as soon as possible. actually, it'll be the weekend after labour day." very, very surprising answer. he normally would've left it at "as soon as possible", just to drive me nuts. he never gives me a straight answer.

anyway, the day ended with me leaving at 5:15 (to make up for my 2 hour lunch!) and guess who gets on the elevator? we chatted on the way down about how he hasn't gotten any candy from me lately and i teased him about not taking his vitamins in a long time because otherwise, he would've found the chocolate i left him. we stood in the lobby for a bit longer, bantering mostly, and then we parted ways. i was stupid enough to listen to my Valentine's mix on myPod on the way home and by the time i got to my stop, my mental progress with Operation Forget OC had been seriously set back. oh well, back to square one. maybe square 2.

hey, notice my operation name is "OFOC". hee hee!

i'm getting there

it's a process. i had little interaction with the OC today. he walked by my desk in the late afternoon, looked back at me and smiled his little mischievous smile. that was about it. i didn't try to engage him in any conversation, didn't send him any e-mails and i stayed out of view (avoided walking by his office, didn't hover at reception, that sort of thing) for most of the day. i had to walk by his office to get to the coffee room this morning and he walked in shortly after i did. we got into a banter with another lawyer that was in there about coffee mugs going missing. i hovered for an appropriate length of time, mentioned that i coveted the coffee mug he chose to use today (it has Van Gogh's "Starry Night" on it) and then politely walked away from the conversation, leaving them to discuss the mood required in order to use the Van Gogh cup as opposed to the Lone Cowboy cup. baby steps :)

i still don't understand why he doesn't want to be friends with me!

(oh, get over it).

stop encouraging me

i had a little round-table discussion at lunch yesterday with some of the ladies at work about my OC. two of them were trying to convince me that he was really shy and i just had to be less subtle about what i wanted. my receptionist was also part of the discussion and she just kept giving me the, "don't you do it! don't go back!" look. later on, she said to me, "you know how i feel about this. leave it alone. you're in a good place now." i agreed. my Trainmate is the worst. apparently her husband and she worked together when they started dating. he's really shy and she said she chased him for a year and a half before he finally called her. she said sometimes he would seem like he was interested and other times, he acted like she wasn't alive (sound familiar???). stop encouraging me. stop giving me hopeful scenarios to hold onto. stop. because i want to stop.

i know i've said this before but i'm ready to take my profile down and give online dating a rest for the next little while. it's time consuming and hasn't yielded particularly strong potentials. i guess it's like that in the regular dating world too but maybe i'm just feeling tired. it's been sort of non-stop for me the past couple of weeks. if i haven't been out after work with an online date, it's been out with a visiting friend or out with workmates or at work or family parties and get togethers. i need some downtime!!! yet, i have one or two events coming up (my cousin's wedding in two weeks and a friend is visiting from NY at the end of next week), as well as three or four online potentials that i have yet to meet.

what's the saying? no rest for the wicked? :)

baby steps

i'm thinking of moving. desks, i mean. it's a bit difficult to "get over" my OC when he sits ten feet from me. when he prints to the printer that sits on my desk. when he walks by on his way to the conveyancers. when he stands and chats with my deskmate but not with me.

i've been feeling oversensitive the past couple of days. he was standing at the printer yesterday morning and he says to me that his office is getting carved up to make room for the new meeting rooms and we start talking about the renos that are supposed to be happening. T interjects and says something about being within throwing sight now and he physically turns around, leans on the wall surrounding my desk with his back completely to me (we are in mid-conversation) and starts talking to her instead. my Trainmate walks by at this time and give me a look so i say to her, at a good volume, "how rude is he? look at him with his back to me. thanks for including me in the conversation." she started laughing, mostly because he had no clue that i was talking about him right at him. i was so ticked, i haven't talked or looked at him since.

i don't understand why i have to feel this way. i know it's not happening; i know he's not as interested in me as i am in him; i know it would be awkward if it did happen and didn't work out; and at the risk of sounding, oh i don't know, confident, i know i'm too good to be putting up with this shit. yet i do. i melt when i see the blue eyes and that boyish grin. i internally fall all over myself when he stops to chat with me (which is hardly ever but he did on tuesday for no apparent reason, other than to tell me his weekend was crappy). fucking ass.

i went out on another first date last night. he was so much fun! very reminiscent of my Guy Friend. we didn't just talk about surface stuff; we talked about some serious personal issues (family and that sort of thing), much like my first date with MGF. he's off to his brother's wedding this weekend but he' said he'd call me when he got back. we sat and talked for two hours so i do hope he calls. in the meantime, i'm going out with someone else this weekend. :)

BTW, the calendar has been busy again. i'd like it to be less busy so i can spend some time at home but it doesn't look like it's happening anytime soon. and me with no money to actually go out. not good. not good at all. is it normal that my entire upcoming paycheque has been spent already, without any exaggeration? fucking strata. gadamn bank.

speaking of strata, these fucking people are driving me fucking nuts. what a bunch of whiners. if anyone needed a lecture about living in the present and working towards the future, it's these shitheads. get over the past, you political-wannabe, control-freaks, and start working together to make the strata a better place (who put on my rose coloured glasses?)!!!!!

hmm. still feeling a bit irritated by everything. is it a full moon or something?

what you know

i've set up my new 17" flat screen monitor. holy crap is the screen ever big.

i want to start writing again. not blogging but really writing. and yet, i don't know what i want to write about. they say, "write what you know," but is what i know interesting enough to write about?

i initially started this blog to get my creative writing juices flowing again. i also started it to see whether my journal, stream-of-consciousness, informal writing style would work as fiction and then i thought, "of course it works - it's called 'Bridget Jones' Diary'." :)

i initially thought of putting together all of my blog entries to make a book of some sort. but there needs to be a theme and there needs to be some sort of coherance. i'm not sure what the common thread in my entries is. relationships perhaps? i have lots of different relationships but the one i'm really aiming for is one that has alluded me for going on five years now. how many books about love and loss and reinvention have been written? does the world need another one?

i think i'm inspired by this giant screen. well, i was using a 13" monitor prior to this one so this one is giant.

surprises

i went on two online dates this week. i mean, i went on date with two guys i met online :)

first guy, i don't think i ever would have considered going out with but he was so charming (in his IM) that i couldn't say no, even though he's only 5'8". he was kinda cute in his picture and his profile was nice enough. i went into it basically thinking that i was expanding my horizons and it wouldn't go anywhere. i met him for coffee after work on monday and we chatted and peoplewatched for two hours - and it didn't feel awkward or anything. in fact, it was like i was with MGF - except not. he was so much fun to talk to. i really enjoyed myself. we sat most of the time, seeing as though i was wearing 3" heels. he's irish and had an ever-so-slight accent. it helped! i don't know that he'll call me again but if he did, i would go out with him again - no consideration needed. despite the height thing.

second guy, i didn't have too much interest in after he told me he had spent a month in the philippines this year with his minister father and a group from their congregation, preaching religion and health. something about that struck me as wrong but maybe that's just me. in any event, i was 45 minutes late for our date (although i did phone him 4 times in the process of getting to the restaurant) and had a helluva time finding parking in Kits at 7pm the night of the fireworks (whose brilliant idea was it to meet in kits for dinner on fireworks night???). although he said he didn't mind waiting, he was obviously annoyed when i finally arrived and he managed to slide in a slag or two during dinner about me being late. really, i apologized and phoned in advance. what more do you want? he walked me to my car and asked me to a movie. i agreed but i don't see this going anywhere. he just didn't hold my attention the way the other guy did.

there is a third, although we have not been out yet. he seems really nice (but you know how that always ends up!). i am looking forward to meeting him but i won't get my hopes up.

as MGF always says to me, "so many guys, so little time." actually, every once in awhile, i'll say something, and he'll say stuff like, "i never said that. it must've been one of the other dozen guys you see."

i've been having dreams about my OC this week. nothing erotic (damn!) but increasingly emotional. monday night, he was just in my dream. i don't even remember what he was doing. tuesday night, we were about to step out into the rain and he put his left arm around me (enveloped is a better description, actually) while his right hand held two umbrellas to cover us both. wednesday night, we were in some sort of vehicle. there was a girl (not very attractive but well put together) and he leaned over and kissed her hand. i woke up from this dream, feathers completely ruffled and out of place, thinking, "OMG, he's dating someone." i was really unsettled. hopefully, no dreams tonight. moving on?

on my favorite reality program - i really want travis to win but only because he's the cute blonde. ok, he's a fabulous dancer too. benji is cute in his own way and has loads of personality and i think he'll win. neither of the girls left have enough chutzpah to take on either of the guys. that mia michaels is brutal! i now remember why i didn't like her as a judge - she's probably the most honest, though.

i took the day off tomorrow for an extra-long weekend. i walked into my boss' office today to drop of something and to pick up something and he started to chat about holidays. so, we chatted for a bit about holidays and then work and his files and i was waiting for him to give me something to do or ask me to find something but he didn't. it was just purely chat. it was nice. he was in a good mood today, probably because he's off tomorrow too.

i want to start taking on more stuff - specifically, more billable stuff. i need the money and the shot of self-esteem! if i can draft this statement of claim that's been sitting in my in-tray for about a month or so reasonably well (limitation date isn't for another year and a half so i think i'm good), i think i'll be on my way to taking stuff away from my mentor and billing more hours - or any hours for that matter.

there was an article in the paralegal association mailout that discussed some proposed changes to paralegal responsibilities. some included being able to appear on small claims matters, criminal matters where there was no chance of the accused being taken into custody and certain family matters. while i think that's great, i don't think it will happen. after all, that stuff is where articling students and junior associates get their courtroom experience. i think there is a certain autonomy i'd like to achieve in my job as a paralegal but if i wanted the kind of responsbility that some paralegals are lobbying for, i would've gone to law school. i'd rather hide behind my lawyer (and their large insurance fund), thanks very much!

stupid pigeons

i have pigeons nesting in holes above my deck. i don't have a caretaker right now to take care of it so i'm considering hopping up on a ladder and replacing the vent covers myself. imagine if i fall off the deck!

my OC invited me (in a mass e-mail) for drinks tonight. i asked him where and he gave me an answer that wasn't really as set in stone as i'd like. he ended up leaving the office without saying where they were all going. before i left, i chatted with one of the other lawyers he had invited and mentioned drink night. he said, "oh, yeah. i forgot about that. he mentioned somewhere near the YWCA." i said, "he told me it was republic." in any event, i relayed my annoyance to Baby Man, chatted a bit and then went home. i shouldn't have to try this hard.

and as my Guy Friend said to me today at lunch, "if he didn't invite you personally, it wasn't all that special of an invite." fair enough.

lunch was good. he had me laughing pretty much the minute i sat down. i had picked a spot that was pretty much half-way for both of us (he works at howe and georgia, i'm at thurlow and pender). when i phoned him at 12:10 to confirm he was still coming, he said, "i'm leaving now." i asked him, "why? you have 20 minutes to get there." and he said, "it's a pretty long walk! at least six blocks!" i didn't argue. he was sitting there, reading the paper when i got there at 12:30. i sat down and said, "so, how long did it take you to walk here?" he looked at me sheepishly and said, "not as long as i thought. it's only three blocks!" duh. he says things are going well with the girl he's dating but that he hates...HATES...her mom. he says that if they ever break up, it'll be because of her. not a good sign but maybe it is. you know what they say about getting along with in-laws.

i can't help but wonder if he sees me as anything more than a friend. not that i see him as anything more than a friend, truly. but to quote Harry, "Men and women can never be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." he did jokingly offer me a pity f@#&, at which i flipped him the bird for even suggesting it. i love him to pieces, he makes me laugh!

i must not be feeling right

i rescheduled on my Guy Friend last night, even though i had nothing to do that would warrant re-scheduling. it's weird but i just didn't feel like seeing him yesterday (but he was cranky when i phoned - work-related - so he would've been cranky for our visit). we're going to have lunch tomorrow but i feel like cancelling. totally bizarre.

on the dating front, i think i'm ready to leave the online scene again. i've only been on for maybe 3 weeks and i'm already frustrated. i should just take my profile off. i mean, seriously, what do i need companionship for? i'm getting fish! oy.

i don't know why i feel so frustrated today. i don't want to attribute it to the two babies i had visits with today (two lawyers and their kids - one grandson and one first baby) - yes, i think at some point i would really like kids but not if i don't have anyone to have them with. i don't feel like i'm missing something because i don't have children yet.

maybe it's because my hair still looks like shit. dre is never allowed to cut my hair again. ever.

maybe it's because my bank charged me for the cheques i ordered (they've never charged me for cheques and i didn't know they were going to) and listed it as a "pre-authorized debit". i didn't know about the charge so i didn't authorize it!

maybe it's because it's still stinking hot.

there is a purple semi-trailer truck parked down the street from my building. it says, "LutherCorp" on it. do you think they're filming "Smallville" here? if so, please send Clark and Lex to my apartment, immediately.

i'm hungry.

oops

so, i just finished writing a rather lengthy "this is me" type of e-mail to a prospective online date - chatty and informative and friendly. i sent it off and sent myself a BCC. once my copy popped into my e-mail, i read it over. "dear sam"... except the guy's name is john. quelle faux pas! i immediately sent an apology e-mail but i don't know if i'll hear from him again. if i were him, i wouldn't respond to me :)

it has come to my attention (not that i haven't brought it to my own attention several times and in several different ways and mediums) that my behaviour over this whole OC thing over the past month has become ... in my own words... sad and pathetic. i hate being sad and pathetic! snap out of it, damnit!

my friend at work is going to give me her 33 gallon fish tank with all the stuff that goes with it. OMG, i'm going to have an aquarium! where am i going to put it?????

argh.

my OC printed out his ferry reservation and forgot to pick it up from the printer until a little later. my deskmate picked it up and said, "oooh. salt spring? i wonder who he's going with..." i looked at her and said, "what?" and she showed me that his reservation was for two. TWO! i simmered for awhile. then, i was sitting in reception, reading the paper and he and Baby Man walked by, announcing they were going for frozen yogurt. but my OC had his bag, which meant he was leaving. A was standing and talking with our receptionist, about five feet from me and A says to my OC, "have fun on your romantic trip!" i didn't react but my head was reeling.

after work, i sidled into A's office and said, "so, you have gossip?" and she laughs and says, "what? what do i have gossip about?" and i said, "his romantic weekend! what was that about?" and she laughed and said, "i was just joking around. there's nothing that i know of. have you heard anything?" we talked a bit more about other things but i sensed strongly that she was holding back. i think my OC is dating A's sister. i have no proof but that's the only logical explanation.

truthfully, i've been kind of sharp with him lately. sweet but with a very sharp edge. the other day, he came sauntering to the printer and said, "good news, ladies. i'm printing to this printer again." i looked up and smiled but didn't say anything. he and T got into a discussion about where he'd been printing to previously and she said to him, "why do you want to print here anyway?" and he said, "well, obviously for the convenience as it is right near my office. but also for the company..." and i looked at him, smiled my sweetest smile and said, "i highly doubt that." he said, in mock hurt, "are you doubting my sincerity?" and as i walked away from him, i looked at him, smiled and said, "yes."

yesterday, i was running around like mad so i was missing out on any socializing that was going on at my work area. when i got to my desk at one point, T was sitting there chatting with A and my OC, who were standing around like it was a cocktail party. i walked up and said, "look at this! a party and i wasn't invited. typical." i felt like such a whiny bitch but i was ... am... hurt. it's like he'll stand and talk to anyone but me. i heard him saying to the student, "i'd help you (move) but i have to take a bunch of stuff to the dump." he did apologize for not helping me paint and did offer his friend's help instead but things are different. things are vastly different than a month ago. how does that happen?

i need to get over this in a big way. but i can't be petty about it anymore.

suspicions (is that how you spell it?)

it doesn't look right. anyway...

i have my suspicions about my OC and A's sister. he's doing a conveyance for her. she's called him at work and faxed him. (ok, i realize this has to do with the conveyance but work with me here). he was on the phone today (as he often is on personal calls) but his body language was such that it looked like he was talking to a girlfriend - hunched over the phone, talking quietly (which he doesn't do...ever), goofy smile planted firmly on his beautiful face and the tell-tale sign: he was running his fingers along his phone. OMG, they must be dating.

in which case, why would i want him if he's chosen someone else? (i actually have no choice in this regard but work with me here).

in a similar vein, he went to coffee with a friend of his today, who came upstairs to meet him. three letters: H-O-T. tall, dark blonde hair, very cute. i was going to ask my OC if his friend was single but i didn't have the guts and because, if there was anything on his side, that would sort of ruin it. and why would i want to ruin something that i want just to be spiteful. i'm not 12 anymore!

i could also be emotional and overly pensive (more so than usual but work with me here!) because of the time of month. i mean, a performance on "so you think you can dance" tonight made my eyes well up. dancing doesn't make me cry...hardly anything makes me cry! heck, "the notebook" didn't make me cry until 3 days later. and i think i was PMSing then too.

but today, i say, i am going to give up. i'm going to stay out of his way for the next while (the weekend will help but work with me here) and hopefully, it'll stick this time. let's face it, i know i can get over him but it's hard when he works ten feet from me. i can do this!

good news

there is a hot guy in my building!!!! i was coming off the elevator on my way to my storage locker, wearing flip flops, oversized rolled up shorts and a tshirt and he was at the other end of the hall, getting his mail. as i was pulling my cart into the storage locker, he was opening the door to the stairwell but checking me out at the same time. twice. hopefully i'll run into him again :)

conspiracy theory

i was in the lunch room today with A. she was talking about her weekend and how she went camping. i asked her where she went and she said, "Garibaldi Provincial Park". Huh. this is where my OC was this weekend, hiking. she chatted a bit more about what they did and where they went and dropped in that my OC was with them. she said it was five of them. i wonder if her sister went with them. my OC was talking to her at A's call party and her beach party. huh. after detailing her weekend, she said, "see, if you liked to camp, you could've come too." and then gave me a look. Huh. and then she said, "so, what's new with you?" after i answered not much, just getting my apartment set up, she said, "are you dating anyone?" and proceeded to grill me about whether i was dating actively or looking or not looking. HUH? if i didn't know any better...i don't know. she mentioned online dating and said her sister was having a lot of fun doing it. i mentioned i had done it before but didn't mention i was doing it again. incidentally, no interest in my profile, even with a pic up. this is a bad sign. :)

my Guy Friend rescheduled on me, which was fine. bad hair and feeling fat today anyway. maybe i should continue to unpack?

duties

i just got off the phone with my mom. basically, we talked about why my dad is being as stubborn as he is about selling the house and why i am stuck in the middle. my dad is bitter about ... oh, everything... and my mom is upset that my dad won't talk to her. she accused me of trying to play mediator instead of trying to help him. it was one of those bad phone calls. on the one hand, my dad is being a complete idiot for not asking for help with this house purchase thing. on the other hand, i'm sick of hearing my mom go on and on about how she's trying to help my dad but he won't accept any offer of help.

because of all the counseling we've been to, i've come to understand that my mom really does mean well. her problem is that she just doesn't know how to offer help without being condescending (at least to my dad). in the 31 years that they've known each other, she hasn't figured out that her way of talking to him is not working. i can't really describe it; i just know that's the reason. i offered to talk to my dad, to ask him to listen to her. maybe if i cry, he'll listen to me. maybe if i tell him i hate being stuck in the middle when i know i can't help either of them, he'll listen to me. maybe if i tell him i'm scared for him, he'll listen to me.

i really don't know what to do. i can only go so long thinking that he'll figure it out when really what i'm thinking is, "my mom will step in eventually and save the day." she can't do that if he won't let her. fuck this shit. i may have to yell at him again, although it only worked temporarily the first time.

you know, i knew that eventually the day would come when i would have to take over the parent role and parent my parents. i just hoped it wouldn't be this soon.

mundane

on the way home, i walk by a little neighbourhood fruit and vegetable market. i stopped today and bought cherries, nectarines and plums. i felt so ... i don't know. connected? you know, shopping in the neighbourhood i live in and all that.

i have a coffee date with my Guy Friend tomorrow after work. it feels like we just saw each other but it's been almost a month. three weeks, i guess. miracle by our standards. we barely see each other once a month. i don't know that we have anything new to talk about but what the heck. it'll be nice tomorrow so we can sit in the sun.

the apartment is looking a little better. granted, i should be unpacking and organizing right now instead of blogging or watching TV. one thing at a time :) i cleaned the windows yesterday, finally. looking out of my den window right now, i think i did a pretty crappy job. maybe i should go with vinegar and water next time. actually i tried to clean the soap scum off the shower doors yesterday and was also unsuccessful.

i wish i could dance. i've been hooked on "so you think you can dance" again this year and, regardless of how poorly some people do week-to-week, they're still a hell of a lot better at what they do than i am. i sometimes wonder if i had stuck with ballet whether i would've been any good. like the swimming lessons, tennis lessons, piano lessons, etc., etc., i quit ballet as soon as my parents would let me. lazy kid and of course now, i regret stopping it all. hopefully my own kids will have a bit more foresight. yeah, right :)

i have this unquenchable urge to buy food. not to eat right now but just to have in my fridge and in my cupboard. i hate looking in my fridge and only seeing a loaf of bread, a jug of water and some condiments. it isn't right!

you know, generally speaking, i'm in a good mood all the time. that one day last week, i was in a bear of a mood and i just felt awful. no one noticed i was in a bad mood but man, I didn't want to be around me. i hate feeling that way. i'm at a point in my life where i like feeling happy. when i was younger and full of imagined angst, i think i honestly enjoyed being miserable. granted, it's arguable that i'm still like that, but now it's strictly with crushes. i need to figure out how not to be that way with crushes.

with some trepidation, i am back online dating. perhaps i shouldn't be, just because i do have such reservations but at the same time, i'm ready to start meeting people again. i think i'm at a pretty good place in my life and i have a lot to offer someone in a relationship. in the not-so-back of my mind, i'd like that person to be my OC but at the same time, i am realizing now how very awkward it would be if we dated for awhile and then broke up. or even went out two or three times and then stopped seeing each other. it would be ok if we worked in a big firm and he worked on a separate floor but he prints to the printer that sits on my desk for crying out loud! while i would still really, really like it to happen between us, i know now that it's probably not a good idea. it makes me sad.

fuzzy

i've moved into my new place. it's been since july 7th that i've been living here. it's now 8 days later and i still am living among boxes. i realize i have way more stuff than i have room for. some purging is in order.

at the same time, i'm trying to help my dad clean up and sell his house. my mom and i were over today and she was just like she was when she lived with us - demanding, impatient and generally an unbearable bitch. my dad was hiding upstairs while she scrubbed every nook and cranny of the house. she was there yesterday too, cleaning because it's not like my dad's been breaking his back clearing out stuff for the past couple of weeks, if not the past few months. nope, the three of us are useless when it comes to cleaning and only she can do a good job. if she doesn't clean it properly (because we can't), the house won't sell. for my dad's sake, i hope someone makes an offer tomorrow and it sells sooner than later. then he can finally get on with life. i asked him to take a look at a place about three blocks from my place and he said, "no, i want to live as far away from your mother as possible." oy. she is difficult, i'll admit that much but he's such a big sulky baby sometimes. i want to hit them both, actually.

i've hooked up my new Bose speakers to myPod. i'm in heaven.

my mom wants me to drive her to the house again tomorrow...because i haven't spent every single day there this week clearing out my stuff in anticipation for the open house tomorrow. of course, she needs to clean more. we spent the whole f-ing day cleaning today. and the day before she was there cleaning. meanwhile, i'm still living in boxes because i've spent most of my week either at the house clearing up my stuff that's still there or at work. but that's not important, right? i'd be selfish to want a life of my own now that i live on my own. fuck this filipino guilt culture shit. i'm not being selfish for wanting my own life. but i know i'll be guilted into feeling that way if i say no to helping out. fuck fuck fuck. that was my mantra all day today. fuck fuck fuck. fuck fuck fuck. fuck this shit. fuck.

and they said i'd be happier living on my own. there is no such thing as having a separate life when you are owned financially by a mother like mine.

on a slightly happier note, my OC bought me a box of chocolates yesterday. he's so weird. at one point, he e-mailed me and said he had a box of truffles so i e-mailed back and said, "trade you a piece of fudge for a truffle." he mails me back and says, "you should negotiate harder." like, what is that supposed to mean? so, I mail him back and say, "like what? a piece of fudge and i'll wash your car? a piece of fudge and a movie? a piece of fudge and a kick in the ass?" notice i stuck the movie part in the middle? instead of responding to the subtle movie invite, he came by my desk and gave me some of his chocolate. sigh. maybe it is the work thing. or maybe (let's say it all together, girls), "He's Just Not that Into You!"

i was at Wal-Mart this evening, doing a little bit of house shopping. there was a cute guy that drove by me with his buggy. he kind of smiled at me and looked in my cart. i didn't really know what to think and of course, because i didn't know what to think, i didn't think to smile at him like i've been meaning to start doing. was he just nosy, looking into my cart or was he checking out what was in my cart to determine whether i was single? in eyesight was a can of soup, some nacho chips and paper towels. as it was closing time when i saw him, i was hoping i'd spot him in a lineup and redeem myself but no such luck. so, it was two carts passing in the Wal-Mart night. sigh.

second verse, same as the first

i give up.

the only reason i'm still fantasizing about him is because he was installing a keyboard tray at my workmate's desk today and he was lying flat on his back while doing it. my compulsion to just jump on was unbelieveable. but i resisted. however, i could not resist giggling to myself when i heard the phrases, "how do you want it", "maybe we need to put it in from behind", "I think we need a bigger screw...and maybe a nut so it stays up" come out of his mouth in relation to getting the tray installed. i mean seriously, am i the only one with a dirty mind??? and also, seeing him work a power drill was kind of hot. anyway....

he was wearing this blue tie today that brought out every possible shade of blue in his eyes. and to date, he's the only one whose actually attempted to play lacrosse with me. and, he was genuinely sympathetic when i thought my conveyance had gone to hell and offered any help he could give. (it didn't go sideways but it was touch and go there for a minute.)

to quote Bridget Jones, "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck". i hate this.

frustrating

i don't really know what to make of my OC. i don't know if he's been busy with work and that's why he's been kind of chilly towards me or if he's realizing he has more of my attention than he'd like.

i barely saw him at all yesterday. i had a coffee date with my guy friend yesterday after work. in the morning, he e-mailed me to confirm we were still meeting and then asked if i wanted to meet the girl he's been seeing. it threw me for a loop - on the one hand, i was awfully curious as to what she was like but beyond that, i had no desire to meet her. i had already seen her nude pictures, i didn't really need to see much more. i felt it would be awkward to hang out with the two of them but thought perhaps that if i brought someone (i.e. my OC), it might be less weird. so, i e-mailed my OC and asked him if he was free for coffee after work, around 5:30. he e-mails back and says, "but that's my lunchtime!" i e-mailed him back, frustrated, and said, "you are no help." a little while later, he responds with, "you sound like one of the partners!" at that point, i gave up and told MGF that i'd be more comfortable if it were just the two of us. on my way out the door at 5pm, i passed my OC's office and he stopped me. i backtracked to his office door and he said, "are you leaving now?" and i said, "yes." he says, "so...i guess that means we're not going for coffee?" and i responded, incredulously, "you never responded to my question!!!" he smiled and said, "i responded - i was just unclear." so i smiled back and said, "well, i guess we'll just have to do it another time, then." he looked slightly disappointed and said, "oh. ok. well, have a good night." serves him right, dumbass. you know, i was so irritated with him yesterday afternoon that when he came over to my desk to flirt for a chocolate, i couldn't even look at him, which is a sure sign that i am pissed. i was going to just hand over the chocolate without even playing the game we usually play but you know me, i can't be mean.

in any event, my coffee date went well, as always. i met him at his building (he was on time for once) and we walked to the library with intentions to get a cold drink, sit on the library steps, enjoy the sun and people watch. instead, i got a nutella crepe, he got an energy drink and a 3 Musketeers bar and we sat on the steps in the shade until the sun moved. instead of moving with the shade, he suggested we go back to his place (no, not like that) so i could see the mess he made of his living room wall. we went back and talked for a couple of hours and then he drove me to the skytrain so i could get home. it was so nice. we get along so well, at least i feel like we do. i got some good insight into the way men think (i.e. they don't and they don't get it when women flirt - subtle or not). he also tells me he doesn't have the mental connection with the girl he's dating that he'd like to. the physical connection is obviously there but he's not sure if there's anything else. he such a commitment-phobe, it's almost funny. i didn't feel bad when we broke session for the evening. i felt really good and that carried on into today.

i get my keys in two days :)

slightly deflated

i don't really know what i was expecting at the beach party today. maybe that my OC and i would go off somewhere, sit on a log at the beach and just talk until the sun went down? asking too much, eh?

i went to the beach party at Jericho. i circled the parking lot for a spot and then parked, phoned A to see where they were located and then i got out of the car to get a ticket from the meter. as i rounded the corner of my car, who do i see getting out of his friend's car? my OC. talk about timing. i wasn't sure how i felt about him brining his friend, as it meant that he would always have someone to talk to. i ended up talking to his friend more than i talked to him. they had gone out for cigarettes and had just come back so they walked me to the parking meter and then walked me back to my car. i took the food i had brought out of my trunk, along with my blanket, and we started to walk to the picnic area. a few steps from my car, i handed the food bag over to my OC because it was obvious he wasn't going to offer to take it, although as i was handing it over, he said, "oh, i can take that." uh, huh. the picnic itself was uneventful. i stuck with the OC and his friend for most of the time. i didn't do too much socializing as there were two groups of A's friends there - dance friends and lawyer friends. you know how i am with new people. so i mingled when i felt the desire and stuck to the people i knew when i didn't. turns out the OC's friend, the Ghost, remembered me from when i interviewed at his firm last year. spooky. i recounted my interview with their friend who interviewed me and they had a good laugh. there wasn't a heck of a lot of interaction between me and the OC, which disappointed me. i didn't want to be too obvious, although i think the Ghost caught me looking at my OC a little more than was necessary for polite conversation, particularly as i wasn't conversing at all with him at the time. at one point, my OC asked if i had ever been on a motorcycle. odd question. all in all, no progress today and it made me feel like the events of this week were just random events.

one thing that did get me thinking was a conversation i overheard the OC having with one of A's friends, who was into the Jazz festival. i heard the OC saying that he had wanted to go see a show at the jazz festival last night but that his "assistant" had told him the tickets were all sold out. had it been me telling the story, i would've said either "someone told me" or "my friend told me" or "i found out it was sold out". first, i'm not even his assistant! second, i understand if he wanted to keep the whole idea that we were planning on doing something together under wraps...if it meant something more to him than just two colleagues going out. if it was just two friends from the office going out, why couldn't he just say that? he wasn't even talking to someone who knew me so what's the big deal? and then when he left tonight, he said to A, "give me a call later if you want." and when I left, he said, "thanks for coming out." argh, i don't know. stop thinking, stop thinking. stop thinking!!!!!

i knew it was too good to be true. sigh.

curiouser and curiouser...

my OC looked really good yesterday. he wore a powder blue v-neck sweater that was just the right shade to make his eyes look an even deeper blue than they already are. the only way he could've looked better is if he had been wearing jeans and the sweater. sigh. ahem, anyway, to business...

he stopped at my desk first thing yesterday morning with the biggest cheshire cat grin i've ever seen on his face. i laughed and said, "you must be pretty pleased with yourself." i had been sent an e-mail from one of the other lawyers at the firm whom the OC has been feuding with, albeit in a "boys will be boys" type of way. practical jokes and that sort of thing. the e-mail was an open-letter apology from the other lawyer, sent to a select few people in the firm, including my boss, the managing partner. the e-mail waxed sincere, but there was something about it that didn't hit me right. when my OC came by with the smile, he admitted that he had sent it from the other lawyer's computer. i thought it was brilliant, but my boss was in the other lawyer's office in the morning, giving him shit for his behaviour. my OC quickly tried to delete the remaining unread e-mails from everyone else's system. it was pretty funny.

at lunch, i figured he would be downstairs in the lunchroom with everyone else in the building, watching the world cup. he was, but there was only one other person in there. i managed to get a few minutes "alone time" with him in which i said, "so, are you going to your concert tonight?" and he said that the people he thought would be into it didn't want to go so he didn't know. i said, "well, if you need company, i'll go with you." door open :) he said, "well, yeah, if you want to go, that would be good." we then had a short discussion about if i was going to go home after work or if i would stick around and left it at that. later on in the day, he phoned me from the courthouse library where he was doing research. HE PHONED ME. i don't have a direct line so he had to go through the switchboard! anyway, he said he just wanted to touch base about that evening. we chatted about how late he was going to be at the library and whether i would stick around and then i said i should probably get tickets and then we could decide how it was going to work. he agreed. i asked him, "do you want me to check to see if there are tickets and then call you back?" and he said, "What the hell - just get a couple of tickets." A COUPLE OF TICKETS - as in you and me. hee hee. (hey, that rhymed) so i called the jazz hotline and the give me the not surprising but very devastating news that the show was sold out. i didn't want to phone him back right away and tell him. my twisted logic was that i would let the idea of him spending the evening with me stew in his mind and then tell him when he got back. it turns out he was back within half an hour of our conversation so i popped into his office and said, "well, it was sold out." and he said, "WHAT? how could it be sold out? nobody knows who this guy is??!?" and i said, "well, apparently people want to see the boy named Seu." and he pondered on it for a minute and the looked up at me and said, "well, i guess that's it then." huh. at the end of the day, his friend had come by to visit and i walked by his office and he called my name (which i obviously didn't hear) and then came after me and said, "are you leaving now?" and i said, "not as yet." and he said, "ok, we're still trying to salvage something for tonight so..." and i said, "ok, just let me know."

in any event, we ended up spending the evening together as my boss, who i now affectionately refer to as the General because of the way he goes about organizing people for activities, wanted to take me out for a birthday drink and to thank me for hanging around after work to get this one fax out before i left (at 5:30!). so the General rounded up my other boss, the Student, A and my OC and we all headed off to his tennis club to have a drink. it was really nice, although in my mind, that evening should have finished off with me and the OC saying, "well, we have to get going. we're going to a show at the Jazz Festival tonight." oh. DAMN. in any event, i am seeing him this afternoon at A's beach bash. somewhere near Jericho sailing club...but not. oy.

strange things are afoot

my OC was flirting with me today. at my birthday lunch, one of our lunch mates thought we were dating (she asked me afterwards, not during lunch!) because of the way we were behaving. when i asked him if he was going to the beach party on saturday, he said, "for the benefit of your attendance, yes!" (because I had told the host that I wasn't going to go unless someone I knew went). and he asked me, albeit rushed and a bit offhandedly, if i wanted to go to a concert tomorrow night at the jazz festival (not just with him but he's trying to get a group together). if he asks again, i'm going to say yes. the way he asked today was phrased in such a way that i couldn't really answer yes without it sounding like i was just saying yes to whatever he was saying to me. anyway, that might not happen. in fact, i'm not sure what is happening with him. he has been very flirty lately, although i think in general, he can be a bit of a flirt (he is half Greek, after all). today, he was humming while he was waiting for his print job to come out and i turned around and smiled at him quizzically. he said to me, "Tango. Now there's a dance." out of the blue. so i said, "Do you tango?" and he said, "I have." and I said, "Let's see it - dance for us now!" and he goes, "Unfortunately, the tango requires a partner..." and before I could smartly say something about me being his partner, the other paralegal i work with piped up and said, "A's a ballroom dancer! She can tango with you!" gravy. no lead in for me anymore. And even if she hadn't piped up, my deskmate was already in there, telling him she needed a strong man to lead her. OY!

in any event, strange things are happening. I like what's happening but i don't want to get my hopes up. i'm not being negative, it's just that the likelihood of anything happening between us is very slim. but i'll enjoy the attention while it lasts. :)

progress?

i'm not sure what to make of my OC or whether i should make anything at all. first, we were all in the lunch room the other day - me, the Student, OC and our receptionist. the OC and the Student were watching the World Cup game while I was chatting with our receptionist. All of a sudden, the OC says to me, in Italian, "What time is it?" I looked at my watch and said, "About 1 o'clock." and he said, "Grazie". we actually exchanged what i felt was a look and a smile but OY! that was hot.

then, thursday was the firm function - golf and then a dinner cruise around the bay. he was two teams ahead of me so i basically just had the first hole to chat with him. we basically just stood together, made a comment here and there, but just stood together and watched as people teed off. i saw him at about the 6th hole at a distance. i was watching him walk to the next tee-off spot and he was looking in my direction. he gave me a little wave and i waved back. i didn't see him again until the we all got to the boat. and then he was busy on the phone with his friend and it sounded like he was making plans to go out that night. anyway... i was hoping to sit near him at dinner but he lagged behind while we all boarded so by the time i had picked a spot, sat down, gone to the washroom to wash my grubby hands and came back, he had staked out a spot at the end of the table, sitting across from the Student. oooooh, i was seriously peeved. we didn't interact again until about half an hour later when we were all out on deck, waiting for the boat to sail. there were a bunch of us grouped around him and one of the secretaries was "sizing him up" and saying that she thought he was shy. he didn't agree or disagree, as usual. i think i might have said something like, "there's nothing wrong with being shy." and B said, "oh, you're not shy!" and i said, "oh, yes i am!" and she looked at both of us and said, "well, you two should get together!" and i was so embarrased that i didn't really know where to look so i just smiled and looked into the depths of my strawberry margarita. that was about the extent of the interaction until after dinner.

he had spent a lot of time on the deck, chatting with people, including the Student, as well as chatting on his phone. i had pretty much given up hope of any interaction with him. then, he went to get dessert. instead of getting a dessert plate and loading up, he got a dinner plate and loaded up. i was sitting at one end of the long table with someone and he sat at his end. he smiled at me when he started to dig in (as we all know how he likes his sweets). i decided to seize the opportunity and went over to his side and sat with him. we chatted about the golfing and the dessert (he finished the entire plate). we sort of sat there awkwardly and then he said, "do you think we're allowed to go up there?", pointing to a steep set of stairs in the middle of the boat. i replied that it was probably ok since there were no signs. after a pause, he dug into his bag, took out a pack of cigarettes (which i gave him a look for), and said, "you wanna go up?" and i said, "ok, i'll join you."

we walked upstairs to a nearly empty deck on the very upper level of the boat. we stood at the railing which was at a corner so we were basically facing each other and he smoked and we talked. and after he finished his cigarette, we talked some more. and then he pulled down the sleeves of his sweater because he was cold and we chatted some more. then, he lit another cigarette and we continued to talk. it was only at the announcement that the boat was nearing the dock that he suggested we go back in. it was so weird. it was so nice.

we went back downstairs and headed out onto the deck to join the party. as i got out there and looked into the dining room where the rest of the firm was sitting, the ladies in the window motioned me to come back inside. when i walked back in, they all said, "where have you been??? we've been looking for you!" and they all had their expectant looks and i said, "oh, we went upstairs to the upper deck." and they all had more expectant looks and one said, "AND...?" and i said, "Ugh, NOTHING!" they all let out a collective, "OH!" one of my co-workers said, "you guys were gone a long time!" another one said, "we were going to come look for you but we didn't want to disturb anything in case you were getting some action!" no chance of that happening. but it felt good because i knew he hadn't disappeared with anyone else. trust me, i was watching :)

at the end of the night, i didn't get a chance to say goodbye. i don't know if he ended up going off with the die-hards to continue drinking at the lift because i had overheard him on the phone saying that he'd be back on land by around 10:00.

the next day was weird. i was so busy that i didn't really get much of a chance to say anything to him. he and the Student went for lunch together. and the only time he came anywhere near my desk was to dig into the candy dish, which i busted him for. but he was busy chatting with my deskmate. at one point, he did say to me, "where'd you disappear to last night? i looked and all of a sudden you were gone. you missed it - T and i went dancing afterwards." and i know it wasn't true but man, did the pangs of jealousy rip through me when he said that, for two reasons: 1) he implicated my deskmate, whom i suspect has a crush on him too, even though she's a bit older than him; and 2) he knew i wanted to go dancing the night before. all in all, yesterday was a moody day for me. i was depressed for most of the day but i wasn't sure whether it was because i was confused about things or whether it was the lack of sleep and lingering tequila tummy that had me feeling sad. in any event, i perked up during the iced cappuccino break in the afternoon.

the one thing i did struggle over was how i could help myself forget about the OC. let's face it - it's going nowhere, regardless of how much i think i'm trying. even if he is interested, i have a feeling he wouldn't do anything about it because we work together, which i absolutely don't blame him for because i'd be the same way. so, i should forget about him. but it's hard when i see him every day. i am doing the only thing i know how to do to help cope and that's to work too much. so that's what i did.

the worst part of it is that i ignore the Student when she gets friendly with him, even though i know she has a boyfriend and that from what i understand from other people, she's totally crazy about her boyfriend. she's so nice and we have a lot of things in common but i just can't look at her when she walks in after having lunch with him. drives me bonkers. but more because it drives me bonkers than it is about her. anyway...

i bought a new bed today. it was the most spontaneous $800 purchase i've ever made. but i can't wait to sleep on it! it's going to be delivered to my new apartment. one less thing for me to move, anyway. i'd better get on hiring movers, eh?

sleeping dogs don't lie

he e-mailed me again. WTF. this time, just in the subject line again, he said "I thought I would try again...HI." WTF. in the body of the e-mail was his signature line from work - i guess he's finally employed again. that doesn't change anything for me, though. so, i wonder what i should do. the last time i spoke with him i said, almost verbatim, "I don't understand why you don't get this - I don't want to see you anymore." that's pretty mean for me. ignoring the last e-mail (you know, the one that just said "HI" in the subject line and that's it) was hard because all i wanted to do was tell him off. this time, i wonder if ignoring him will work. this was his pattern with his ex-GF - breaking up, getting back together. unfortunately for him, that was never a pattern i followed with any of my previous dates/BFs. once it was over for me, it was over. it doesn't take long for me to realize what a dork the guy was, even if i couldn't see it three days before the breakup. so i suppose i will just ignore him. i will get a male opinion on this, tomorrow hopefully, and i hope he agrees with me and the female opinion i received. he will.

OT - the Student has a boyfriend! i was in the lunchroom with a few people on friday and she came in and sat down with us. we were all chatting about movies and i was right in there instead of just observing from the sidelines. when everyone else but the Student left to go back to work, i didn't want to be rude and ignore her, even though that is my passive-aggressive approach, so we continued chatting about movies and other things. turns out were more alike than i thought. she's very nice and i would've begrudged that fact until she said she was going to make dinner for her boyfriend's birthday that weekend. not that that fact changes the situation (or lack thereof) between me and the OC but it makes me feel a little better.

as for the OC, he's been friendlier lately, which has been nice. the three of us (the Student, me and the OC) were in the lunchroom yesterday. they were both doing their respective newspaper puzzles but we all ended up chatting. the OC asked how my weekend was (has never done that unless i've asked him first). he also said, "i heard you have pictures up of your trip. may i see them?" and then he reminded me in an e-mail to send them. in short, he's been very interactive since i've been back. when i asked him whether or not he was going to attend next week's firm golf/boat cruise evening, he sighed and said, "oh right. i guess i'd better RSVP." he said the reason he doesn't go to firm functions is that he doesn't know how to make conversation. he had said that in past conversations but i never believed him until now. there was also some reminiscing about the Christmas party and according to him, he was very drunk. could've fooled me; i thought he was the only sober person in the room. remember, i had my hand on his knee for a portion of the evening. i don't think he does :)

i am having a very hard time packing. at the moment, i'm at the "purging" stage but i can't seem to purge as much as i would like to. i'd like to move into my apartment with the bare necessities and start my new life fresh but a packrat like me doesn't let go of things easily. incidentally, the notary's office phoned me today to get some info for closing. one question she asked was what my occupation was, so it could go on the title to my apartment. without hesitation, i said, "Paralegal." i think that's going to look much better on the title than "legal assistant", which is what i've been going by in my ambiguous position at the firm. although one of my lawyers, seer that he is, very recently asked me to start drafting an affidavit for one of his non-PI files. i swear, he is either psychic or someone is feeding him information on my feelings about work and co-workers because out of the blue, he gives me a project that he would normally give to my co-worker. a paralegal project. problem is, i still have two other lawyers that need secretarial stuff done on a daily basis. but i will make time for that affidavit. i will, damn it, if i have to take the file home with me!

kalimera!

i just got back from Greece. isn't that awesome??? i did a 9-day tour (well, more like a 7-day tour), three days i athens and a four day island hopping cruise. i went to mykonos (loved it, am going to go back), kusadasi (in Turkey, saw Ephesus - awesome), patmos, rhodes, crete, and santorini (loved it, am going to go back). and me being as funny as i am, i didn't tell anyone where i was going, let alone that i was going on holidays. the people that needed to know, knew which was all i cared about. i told my OC that i was going on holidays the day before i left and he didn't even ask me where i was going. to his homeland! anyway... the cruise was ok. since my first and only cruise before this one was on carnival cruise lines, this small greek line paled in comparison. the rooms were tiny and so was the bathroom. the food was awful (the fried eggs at the buffet swam in olive oil. SWAM!). staff wasn't cute, except for one dining room waiter who actually propositioned me (i turned him down, in case you were keeping tabs). i took lots of pictures. i'm getting much better at picking shots - some of my pictures were actually quite good. and my friend who is an amateur photographer said so too!

since i got back, i've had an interview with the law society, graduated school and had lots of sleep. first, the law society - i figured since i hadn't heard from them in a month since i sent in my application that i wouldn't hear from them. wrong. they e-mailed me the thursday before i got home. i went for an interview on monday afternoon. sort of lucky the way it worked out, as i didn't go back to work until today. interview was ok - i knew the lawyer who interviewed me as he used to work for Crown and i knew him from when i worked at Supreme Court. he probably recognized my face but didn't know me by name. he's cute. and married. and would be my boss. by the description of the job alone, i know i want it. only problem is that i still like where i am. don't like some people i work with and i wish i was doing different work but i love the firm i'm at and i really like my boss. apparently, he was looking for me yesterday as he thought that when i was coming back. and, he called me into his office this morning, not to give me work but to ask me how my holidays were so we chatted for about 10 minutes about greece and holidays and that sort of thing. and he said twice that he was happy to have me back. what more could i ask for?

yesterday, i graduated from my stupid program. i got to walk across the stage one more time. not that exciting and only a third of our class showed up but it was good to see everyone nonetheless. food at the reception was good. they had fresh fruit and a tub of chocolate fondue. i didn't partake in the fondue but man, the fresh pineapple was good!

i don't know what to make of my OC anymore. we basically ignored each other all morning but then, he was at the printer at my desk and i was looking at something on my screen (i.e. not totally engrossed in something) and he said, "well, good morning! welcome back." and i was a bit surprised as he never says anything like that to me. he usually sings or hums as he waits for his pages to come out but never greets me in any way. he asked me how my holidays were and, as i had put out some turkish delight in the coffee room, he said, "so you were holidaying in turkey?" and i laughed and said, "actually no, i was in greece most of the time. i know, i bring back turkish delight from my holiday in greece." and he was mock offended and lectured me on how his people (i.e. the Greeks) were actually the first to make turkish delight but it's called something else. we chatted about where his people were from and then he asked me about where i went on my holidays. we probably would've kept talking for awhile but the boss came by with some work. one funny thing, though. after he said good morning and welcome back, i said, "thanks! so you did notice i was gone. some people didn't..." and he said, and i thought more seriously than mockingly, "oh yeah. i definitely noticed you were gone." maybe it had to do with the nearly empty candy dish. i can always dream. but i understand that he and the student are still going out for the occasional lunch. WTF. oh well.

so now that i'm back from holidays, the things that are now on my plate are my move at the end of june and my birthday in 21 days. yikes. if i were more inclined, i'd start clearing out my closet now but ...eh... not so much.

green-eyed monsters

i'm jealous of our law student on a number of levels.

first, she's beautiful. i can't tell what her background is by her surname but she looks ... i want to say armenian ... or maybe persian ... middle-eastern, anyway. she's got really nice eyes and that olive-toned skin. longish dark curly hair. average height.

second, she's young. i think she's just finished her first year of law school, which means she went right to it after university. so she's always known what she wanted to do with her life. ugh.

third, she's smart. everyone says how quickly she's caught on, despite the fact that she's never worked in an office before, oh she's so bright, blah blah blah.

fourth, she's nice.

fifth, she's working as our law student this summer. hence, i will not be taking on any researching projects for any lawyers. back to dictations i go.

sixth, and most importantly, she spent her first week last week at lunch with my Office Crush almost every day. if not by mutual invitation, then by coincidence. i was soooo peeved. and yet, i was more pissed off at myself that i was mad at her for catching his attention. is that her fault? is that mine? oy!

so, i decided to just forget about him - if that's the kind of woman he wants (young, smart, beautiful, nice), then let him have her. everyone i whined to said she's too young for him but i ask you: when has a woman in her early 20s ever been too young for any man?

the worst part is, had anyone been paying attention last week, they would've noticed i was in a rotten mood most of the week, i practically ignored her unless she happened to walk right at me and i didn't even ask how she was finding things (something i always ask new people). i practically ignored my OC. i know. in my mind, i think he may have noticed because towards the end of the week, he started to seek me out instead of the other way around. and today, he left a box of chocolates on my desk (that's usually my thing). i mean, let's face it, when he leaves chocolates on my desk, they're usually opened and one or two have been taken out. but the fact that he left it all made me laugh.

one other psycho observation on my part. i think she's copying me :) she's got curly, curly hair. last week, i wore my hair straight the entire week except for friday, when i went wavy and, i always wear my glasses. this morning, who had straight hair and had glasses on that she didn't wear all last week? the student. she started last week in pantsuits with her hair pulled back. by wednesday, she was wearing skirts and her hair down. i thought it was kind of funny. ok, that's enough about that. i'm over it now.

i need to stop obsessing over someone that doesn't care if i'm there or not! i need to find a challenge outside of this work crush. but less expensive and time consuming than law school. one day, i will find balance. :)