surprises

i went on two online dates this week. i mean, i went on date with two guys i met online :)

first guy, i don't think i ever would have considered going out with but he was so charming (in his IM) that i couldn't say no, even though he's only 5'8". he was kinda cute in his picture and his profile was nice enough. i went into it basically thinking that i was expanding my horizons and it wouldn't go anywhere. i met him for coffee after work on monday and we chatted and peoplewatched for two hours - and it didn't feel awkward or anything. in fact, it was like i was with MGF - except not. he was so much fun to talk to. i really enjoyed myself. we sat most of the time, seeing as though i was wearing 3" heels. he's irish and had an ever-so-slight accent. it helped! i don't know that he'll call me again but if he did, i would go out with him again - no consideration needed. despite the height thing.

second guy, i didn't have too much interest in after he told me he had spent a month in the philippines this year with his minister father and a group from their congregation, preaching religion and health. something about that struck me as wrong but maybe that's just me. in any event, i was 45 minutes late for our date (although i did phone him 4 times in the process of getting to the restaurant) and had a helluva time finding parking in Kits at 7pm the night of the fireworks (whose brilliant idea was it to meet in kits for dinner on fireworks night???). although he said he didn't mind waiting, he was obviously annoyed when i finally arrived and he managed to slide in a slag or two during dinner about me being late. really, i apologized and phoned in advance. what more do you want? he walked me to my car and asked me to a movie. i agreed but i don't see this going anywhere. he just didn't hold my attention the way the other guy did.

there is a third, although we have not been out yet. he seems really nice (but you know how that always ends up!). i am looking forward to meeting him but i won't get my hopes up.

as MGF always says to me, "so many guys, so little time." actually, every once in awhile, i'll say something, and he'll say stuff like, "i never said that. it must've been one of the other dozen guys you see."

i've been having dreams about my OC this week. nothing erotic (damn!) but increasingly emotional. monday night, he was just in my dream. i don't even remember what he was doing. tuesday night, we were about to step out into the rain and he put his left arm around me (enveloped is a better description, actually) while his right hand held two umbrellas to cover us both. wednesday night, we were in some sort of vehicle. there was a girl (not very attractive but well put together) and he leaned over and kissed her hand. i woke up from this dream, feathers completely ruffled and out of place, thinking, "OMG, he's dating someone." i was really unsettled. hopefully, no dreams tonight. moving on?

on my favorite reality program - i really want travis to win but only because he's the cute blonde. ok, he's a fabulous dancer too. benji is cute in his own way and has loads of personality and i think he'll win. neither of the girls left have enough chutzpah to take on either of the guys. that mia michaels is brutal! i now remember why i didn't like her as a judge - she's probably the most honest, though.

i took the day off tomorrow for an extra-long weekend. i walked into my boss' office today to drop of something and to pick up something and he started to chat about holidays. so, we chatted for a bit about holidays and then work and his files and i was waiting for him to give me something to do or ask me to find something but he didn't. it was just purely chat. it was nice. he was in a good mood today, probably because he's off tomorrow too.

i want to start taking on more stuff - specifically, more billable stuff. i need the money and the shot of self-esteem! if i can draft this statement of claim that's been sitting in my in-tray for about a month or so reasonably well (limitation date isn't for another year and a half so i think i'm good), i think i'll be on my way to taking stuff away from my mentor and billing more hours - or any hours for that matter.

there was an article in the paralegal association mailout that discussed some proposed changes to paralegal responsibilities. some included being able to appear on small claims matters, criminal matters where there was no chance of the accused being taken into custody and certain family matters. while i think that's great, i don't think it will happen. after all, that stuff is where articling students and junior associates get their courtroom experience. i think there is a certain autonomy i'd like to achieve in my job as a paralegal but if i wanted the kind of responsbility that some paralegals are lobbying for, i would've gone to law school. i'd rather hide behind my lawyer (and their large insurance fund), thanks very much!

stupid pigeons

i have pigeons nesting in holes above my deck. i don't have a caretaker right now to take care of it so i'm considering hopping up on a ladder and replacing the vent covers myself. imagine if i fall off the deck!

my OC invited me (in a mass e-mail) for drinks tonight. i asked him where and he gave me an answer that wasn't really as set in stone as i'd like. he ended up leaving the office without saying where they were all going. before i left, i chatted with one of the other lawyers he had invited and mentioned drink night. he said, "oh, yeah. i forgot about that. he mentioned somewhere near the YWCA." i said, "he told me it was republic." in any event, i relayed my annoyance to Baby Man, chatted a bit and then went home. i shouldn't have to try this hard.

and as my Guy Friend said to me today at lunch, "if he didn't invite you personally, it wasn't all that special of an invite." fair enough.

lunch was good. he had me laughing pretty much the minute i sat down. i had picked a spot that was pretty much half-way for both of us (he works at howe and georgia, i'm at thurlow and pender). when i phoned him at 12:10 to confirm he was still coming, he said, "i'm leaving now." i asked him, "why? you have 20 minutes to get there." and he said, "it's a pretty long walk! at least six blocks!" i didn't argue. he was sitting there, reading the paper when i got there at 12:30. i sat down and said, "so, how long did it take you to walk here?" he looked at me sheepishly and said, "not as long as i thought. it's only three blocks!" duh. he says things are going well with the girl he's dating but that he hates...HATES...her mom. he says that if they ever break up, it'll be because of her. not a good sign but maybe it is. you know what they say about getting along with in-laws.

i can't help but wonder if he sees me as anything more than a friend. not that i see him as anything more than a friend, truly. but to quote Harry, "Men and women can never be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." he did jokingly offer me a pity f@#&, at which i flipped him the bird for even suggesting it. i love him to pieces, he makes me laugh!

i must not be feeling right

i rescheduled on my Guy Friend last night, even though i had nothing to do that would warrant re-scheduling. it's weird but i just didn't feel like seeing him yesterday (but he was cranky when i phoned - work-related - so he would've been cranky for our visit). we're going to have lunch tomorrow but i feel like cancelling. totally bizarre.

on the dating front, i think i'm ready to leave the online scene again. i've only been on for maybe 3 weeks and i'm already frustrated. i should just take my profile off. i mean, seriously, what do i need companionship for? i'm getting fish! oy.

i don't know why i feel so frustrated today. i don't want to attribute it to the two babies i had visits with today (two lawyers and their kids - one grandson and one first baby) - yes, i think at some point i would really like kids but not if i don't have anyone to have them with. i don't feel like i'm missing something because i don't have children yet.

maybe it's because my hair still looks like shit. dre is never allowed to cut my hair again. ever.

maybe it's because my bank charged me for the cheques i ordered (they've never charged me for cheques and i didn't know they were going to) and listed it as a "pre-authorized debit". i didn't know about the charge so i didn't authorize it!

maybe it's because it's still stinking hot.

there is a purple semi-trailer truck parked down the street from my building. it says, "LutherCorp" on it. do you think they're filming "Smallville" here? if so, please send Clark and Lex to my apartment, immediately.

i'm hungry.

oops

so, i just finished writing a rather lengthy "this is me" type of e-mail to a prospective online date - chatty and informative and friendly. i sent it off and sent myself a BCC. once my copy popped into my e-mail, i read it over. "dear sam"... except the guy's name is john. quelle faux pas! i immediately sent an apology e-mail but i don't know if i'll hear from him again. if i were him, i wouldn't respond to me :)

it has come to my attention (not that i haven't brought it to my own attention several times and in several different ways and mediums) that my behaviour over this whole OC thing over the past month has become ... in my own words... sad and pathetic. i hate being sad and pathetic! snap out of it, damnit!

my friend at work is going to give me her 33 gallon fish tank with all the stuff that goes with it. OMG, i'm going to have an aquarium! where am i going to put it?????

argh.

my OC printed out his ferry reservation and forgot to pick it up from the printer until a little later. my deskmate picked it up and said, "oooh. salt spring? i wonder who he's going with..." i looked at her and said, "what?" and she showed me that his reservation was for two. TWO! i simmered for awhile. then, i was sitting in reception, reading the paper and he and Baby Man walked by, announcing they were going for frozen yogurt. but my OC had his bag, which meant he was leaving. A was standing and talking with our receptionist, about five feet from me and A says to my OC, "have fun on your romantic trip!" i didn't react but my head was reeling.

after work, i sidled into A's office and said, "so, you have gossip?" and she laughs and says, "what? what do i have gossip about?" and i said, "his romantic weekend! what was that about?" and she laughed and said, "i was just joking around. there's nothing that i know of. have you heard anything?" we talked a bit more about other things but i sensed strongly that she was holding back. i think my OC is dating A's sister. i have no proof but that's the only logical explanation.

truthfully, i've been kind of sharp with him lately. sweet but with a very sharp edge. the other day, he came sauntering to the printer and said, "good news, ladies. i'm printing to this printer again." i looked up and smiled but didn't say anything. he and T got into a discussion about where he'd been printing to previously and she said to him, "why do you want to print here anyway?" and he said, "well, obviously for the convenience as it is right near my office. but also for the company..." and i looked at him, smiled my sweetest smile and said, "i highly doubt that." he said, in mock hurt, "are you doubting my sincerity?" and as i walked away from him, i looked at him, smiled and said, "yes."

yesterday, i was running around like mad so i was missing out on any socializing that was going on at my work area. when i got to my desk at one point, T was sitting there chatting with A and my OC, who were standing around like it was a cocktail party. i walked up and said, "look at this! a party and i wasn't invited. typical." i felt like such a whiny bitch but i was ... am... hurt. it's like he'll stand and talk to anyone but me. i heard him saying to the student, "i'd help you (move) but i have to take a bunch of stuff to the dump." he did apologize for not helping me paint and did offer his friend's help instead but things are different. things are vastly different than a month ago. how does that happen?

i need to get over this in a big way. but i can't be petty about it anymore.

suspicions (is that how you spell it?)

it doesn't look right. anyway...

i have my suspicions about my OC and A's sister. he's doing a conveyance for her. she's called him at work and faxed him. (ok, i realize this has to do with the conveyance but work with me here). he was on the phone today (as he often is on personal calls) but his body language was such that it looked like he was talking to a girlfriend - hunched over the phone, talking quietly (which he doesn't do...ever), goofy smile planted firmly on his beautiful face and the tell-tale sign: he was running his fingers along his phone. OMG, they must be dating.

in which case, why would i want him if he's chosen someone else? (i actually have no choice in this regard but work with me here).

in a similar vein, he went to coffee with a friend of his today, who came upstairs to meet him. three letters: H-O-T. tall, dark blonde hair, very cute. i was going to ask my OC if his friend was single but i didn't have the guts and because, if there was anything on his side, that would sort of ruin it. and why would i want to ruin something that i want just to be spiteful. i'm not 12 anymore!

i could also be emotional and overly pensive (more so than usual but work with me here!) because of the time of month. i mean, a performance on "so you think you can dance" tonight made my eyes well up. dancing doesn't make me cry...hardly anything makes me cry! heck, "the notebook" didn't make me cry until 3 days later. and i think i was PMSing then too.

but today, i say, i am going to give up. i'm going to stay out of his way for the next while (the weekend will help but work with me here) and hopefully, it'll stick this time. let's face it, i know i can get over him but it's hard when he works ten feet from me. i can do this!

good news

there is a hot guy in my building!!!! i was coming off the elevator on my way to my storage locker, wearing flip flops, oversized rolled up shorts and a tshirt and he was at the other end of the hall, getting his mail. as i was pulling my cart into the storage locker, he was opening the door to the stairwell but checking me out at the same time. twice. hopefully i'll run into him again :)

conspiracy theory

i was in the lunch room today with A. she was talking about her weekend and how she went camping. i asked her where she went and she said, "Garibaldi Provincial Park". Huh. this is where my OC was this weekend, hiking. she chatted a bit more about what they did and where they went and dropped in that my OC was with them. she said it was five of them. i wonder if her sister went with them. my OC was talking to her at A's call party and her beach party. huh. after detailing her weekend, she said, "see, if you liked to camp, you could've come too." and then gave me a look. Huh. and then she said, "so, what's new with you?" after i answered not much, just getting my apartment set up, she said, "are you dating anyone?" and proceeded to grill me about whether i was dating actively or looking or not looking. HUH? if i didn't know any better...i don't know. she mentioned online dating and said her sister was having a lot of fun doing it. i mentioned i had done it before but didn't mention i was doing it again. incidentally, no interest in my profile, even with a pic up. this is a bad sign. :)

my Guy Friend rescheduled on me, which was fine. bad hair and feeling fat today anyway. maybe i should continue to unpack?

duties

i just got off the phone with my mom. basically, we talked about why my dad is being as stubborn as he is about selling the house and why i am stuck in the middle. my dad is bitter about ... oh, everything... and my mom is upset that my dad won't talk to her. she accused me of trying to play mediator instead of trying to help him. it was one of those bad phone calls. on the one hand, my dad is being a complete idiot for not asking for help with this house purchase thing. on the other hand, i'm sick of hearing my mom go on and on about how she's trying to help my dad but he won't accept any offer of help.

because of all the counseling we've been to, i've come to understand that my mom really does mean well. her problem is that she just doesn't know how to offer help without being condescending (at least to my dad). in the 31 years that they've known each other, she hasn't figured out that her way of talking to him is not working. i can't really describe it; i just know that's the reason. i offered to talk to my dad, to ask him to listen to her. maybe if i cry, he'll listen to me. maybe if i tell him i hate being stuck in the middle when i know i can't help either of them, he'll listen to me. maybe if i tell him i'm scared for him, he'll listen to me.

i really don't know what to do. i can only go so long thinking that he'll figure it out when really what i'm thinking is, "my mom will step in eventually and save the day." she can't do that if he won't let her. fuck this shit. i may have to yell at him again, although it only worked temporarily the first time.

you know, i knew that eventually the day would come when i would have to take over the parent role and parent my parents. i just hoped it wouldn't be this soon.

mundane

on the way home, i walk by a little neighbourhood fruit and vegetable market. i stopped today and bought cherries, nectarines and plums. i felt so ... i don't know. connected? you know, shopping in the neighbourhood i live in and all that.

i have a coffee date with my Guy Friend tomorrow after work. it feels like we just saw each other but it's been almost a month. three weeks, i guess. miracle by our standards. we barely see each other once a month. i don't know that we have anything new to talk about but what the heck. it'll be nice tomorrow so we can sit in the sun.

the apartment is looking a little better. granted, i should be unpacking and organizing right now instead of blogging or watching TV. one thing at a time :) i cleaned the windows yesterday, finally. looking out of my den window right now, i think i did a pretty crappy job. maybe i should go with vinegar and water next time. actually i tried to clean the soap scum off the shower doors yesterday and was also unsuccessful.

i wish i could dance. i've been hooked on "so you think you can dance" again this year and, regardless of how poorly some people do week-to-week, they're still a hell of a lot better at what they do than i am. i sometimes wonder if i had stuck with ballet whether i would've been any good. like the swimming lessons, tennis lessons, piano lessons, etc., etc., i quit ballet as soon as my parents would let me. lazy kid and of course now, i regret stopping it all. hopefully my own kids will have a bit more foresight. yeah, right :)

i have this unquenchable urge to buy food. not to eat right now but just to have in my fridge and in my cupboard. i hate looking in my fridge and only seeing a loaf of bread, a jug of water and some condiments. it isn't right!

you know, generally speaking, i'm in a good mood all the time. that one day last week, i was in a bear of a mood and i just felt awful. no one noticed i was in a bad mood but man, I didn't want to be around me. i hate feeling that way. i'm at a point in my life where i like feeling happy. when i was younger and full of imagined angst, i think i honestly enjoyed being miserable. granted, it's arguable that i'm still like that, but now it's strictly with crushes. i need to figure out how not to be that way with crushes.

with some trepidation, i am back online dating. perhaps i shouldn't be, just because i do have such reservations but at the same time, i'm ready to start meeting people again. i think i'm at a pretty good place in my life and i have a lot to offer someone in a relationship. in the not-so-back of my mind, i'd like that person to be my OC but at the same time, i am realizing now how very awkward it would be if we dated for awhile and then broke up. or even went out two or three times and then stopped seeing each other. it would be ok if we worked in a big firm and he worked on a separate floor but he prints to the printer that sits on my desk for crying out loud! while i would still really, really like it to happen between us, i know now that it's probably not a good idea. it makes me sad.

fuzzy

i've moved into my new place. it's been since july 7th that i've been living here. it's now 8 days later and i still am living among boxes. i realize i have way more stuff than i have room for. some purging is in order.

at the same time, i'm trying to help my dad clean up and sell his house. my mom and i were over today and she was just like she was when she lived with us - demanding, impatient and generally an unbearable bitch. my dad was hiding upstairs while she scrubbed every nook and cranny of the house. she was there yesterday too, cleaning because it's not like my dad's been breaking his back clearing out stuff for the past couple of weeks, if not the past few months. nope, the three of us are useless when it comes to cleaning and only she can do a good job. if she doesn't clean it properly (because we can't), the house won't sell. for my dad's sake, i hope someone makes an offer tomorrow and it sells sooner than later. then he can finally get on with life. i asked him to take a look at a place about three blocks from my place and he said, "no, i want to live as far away from your mother as possible." oy. she is difficult, i'll admit that much but he's such a big sulky baby sometimes. i want to hit them both, actually.

i've hooked up my new Bose speakers to myPod. i'm in heaven.

my mom wants me to drive her to the house again tomorrow...because i haven't spent every single day there this week clearing out my stuff in anticipation for the open house tomorrow. of course, she needs to clean more. we spent the whole f-ing day cleaning today. and the day before she was there cleaning. meanwhile, i'm still living in boxes because i've spent most of my week either at the house clearing up my stuff that's still there or at work. but that's not important, right? i'd be selfish to want a life of my own now that i live on my own. fuck this filipino guilt culture shit. i'm not being selfish for wanting my own life. but i know i'll be guilted into feeling that way if i say no to helping out. fuck fuck fuck. that was my mantra all day today. fuck fuck fuck. fuck fuck fuck. fuck this shit. fuck.

and they said i'd be happier living on my own. there is no such thing as having a separate life when you are owned financially by a mother like mine.

on a slightly happier note, my OC bought me a box of chocolates yesterday. he's so weird. at one point, he e-mailed me and said he had a box of truffles so i e-mailed back and said, "trade you a piece of fudge for a truffle." he mails me back and says, "you should negotiate harder." like, what is that supposed to mean? so, I mail him back and say, "like what? a piece of fudge and i'll wash your car? a piece of fudge and a movie? a piece of fudge and a kick in the ass?" notice i stuck the movie part in the middle? instead of responding to the subtle movie invite, he came by my desk and gave me some of his chocolate. sigh. maybe it is the work thing. or maybe (let's say it all together, girls), "He's Just Not that Into You!"

i was at Wal-Mart this evening, doing a little bit of house shopping. there was a cute guy that drove by me with his buggy. he kind of smiled at me and looked in my cart. i didn't really know what to think and of course, because i didn't know what to think, i didn't think to smile at him like i've been meaning to start doing. was he just nosy, looking into my cart or was he checking out what was in my cart to determine whether i was single? in eyesight was a can of soup, some nacho chips and paper towels. as it was closing time when i saw him, i was hoping i'd spot him in a lineup and redeem myself but no such luck. so, it was two carts passing in the Wal-Mart night. sigh.

second verse, same as the first

i give up.

the only reason i'm still fantasizing about him is because he was installing a keyboard tray at my workmate's desk today and he was lying flat on his back while doing it. my compulsion to just jump on was unbelieveable. but i resisted. however, i could not resist giggling to myself when i heard the phrases, "how do you want it", "maybe we need to put it in from behind", "I think we need a bigger screw...and maybe a nut so it stays up" come out of his mouth in relation to getting the tray installed. i mean seriously, am i the only one with a dirty mind??? and also, seeing him work a power drill was kind of hot. anyway....

he was wearing this blue tie today that brought out every possible shade of blue in his eyes. and to date, he's the only one whose actually attempted to play lacrosse with me. and, he was genuinely sympathetic when i thought my conveyance had gone to hell and offered any help he could give. (it didn't go sideways but it was touch and go there for a minute.)

to quote Bridget Jones, "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck". i hate this.

frustrating

i don't really know what to make of my OC. i don't know if he's been busy with work and that's why he's been kind of chilly towards me or if he's realizing he has more of my attention than he'd like.

i barely saw him at all yesterday. i had a coffee date with my guy friend yesterday after work. in the morning, he e-mailed me to confirm we were still meeting and then asked if i wanted to meet the girl he's been seeing. it threw me for a loop - on the one hand, i was awfully curious as to what she was like but beyond that, i had no desire to meet her. i had already seen her nude pictures, i didn't really need to see much more. i felt it would be awkward to hang out with the two of them but thought perhaps that if i brought someone (i.e. my OC), it might be less weird. so, i e-mailed my OC and asked him if he was free for coffee after work, around 5:30. he e-mails back and says, "but that's my lunchtime!" i e-mailed him back, frustrated, and said, "you are no help." a little while later, he responds with, "you sound like one of the partners!" at that point, i gave up and told MGF that i'd be more comfortable if it were just the two of us. on my way out the door at 5pm, i passed my OC's office and he stopped me. i backtracked to his office door and he said, "are you leaving now?" and i said, "yes." he says, "so...i guess that means we're not going for coffee?" and i responded, incredulously, "you never responded to my question!!!" he smiled and said, "i responded - i was just unclear." so i smiled back and said, "well, i guess we'll just have to do it another time, then." he looked slightly disappointed and said, "oh. ok. well, have a good night." serves him right, dumbass. you know, i was so irritated with him yesterday afternoon that when he came over to my desk to flirt for a chocolate, i couldn't even look at him, which is a sure sign that i am pissed. i was going to just hand over the chocolate without even playing the game we usually play but you know me, i can't be mean.

in any event, my coffee date went well, as always. i met him at his building (he was on time for once) and we walked to the library with intentions to get a cold drink, sit on the library steps, enjoy the sun and people watch. instead, i got a nutella crepe, he got an energy drink and a 3 Musketeers bar and we sat on the steps in the shade until the sun moved. instead of moving with the shade, he suggested we go back to his place (no, not like that) so i could see the mess he made of his living room wall. we went back and talked for a couple of hours and then he drove me to the skytrain so i could get home. it was so nice. we get along so well, at least i feel like we do. i got some good insight into the way men think (i.e. they don't and they don't get it when women flirt - subtle or not). he also tells me he doesn't have the mental connection with the girl he's dating that he'd like to. the physical connection is obviously there but he's not sure if there's anything else. he such a commitment-phobe, it's almost funny. i didn't feel bad when we broke session for the evening. i felt really good and that carried on into today.

i get my keys in two days :)

slightly deflated

i don't really know what i was expecting at the beach party today. maybe that my OC and i would go off somewhere, sit on a log at the beach and just talk until the sun went down? asking too much, eh?

i went to the beach party at Jericho. i circled the parking lot for a spot and then parked, phoned A to see where they were located and then i got out of the car to get a ticket from the meter. as i rounded the corner of my car, who do i see getting out of his friend's car? my OC. talk about timing. i wasn't sure how i felt about him brining his friend, as it meant that he would always have someone to talk to. i ended up talking to his friend more than i talked to him. they had gone out for cigarettes and had just come back so they walked me to the parking meter and then walked me back to my car. i took the food i had brought out of my trunk, along with my blanket, and we started to walk to the picnic area. a few steps from my car, i handed the food bag over to my OC because it was obvious he wasn't going to offer to take it, although as i was handing it over, he said, "oh, i can take that." uh, huh. the picnic itself was uneventful. i stuck with the OC and his friend for most of the time. i didn't do too much socializing as there were two groups of A's friends there - dance friends and lawyer friends. you know how i am with new people. so i mingled when i felt the desire and stuck to the people i knew when i didn't. turns out the OC's friend, the Ghost, remembered me from when i interviewed at his firm last year. spooky. i recounted my interview with their friend who interviewed me and they had a good laugh. there wasn't a heck of a lot of interaction between me and the OC, which disappointed me. i didn't want to be too obvious, although i think the Ghost caught me looking at my OC a little more than was necessary for polite conversation, particularly as i wasn't conversing at all with him at the time. at one point, my OC asked if i had ever been on a motorcycle. odd question. all in all, no progress today and it made me feel like the events of this week were just random events.

one thing that did get me thinking was a conversation i overheard the OC having with one of A's friends, who was into the Jazz festival. i heard the OC saying that he had wanted to go see a show at the jazz festival last night but that his "assistant" had told him the tickets were all sold out. had it been me telling the story, i would've said either "someone told me" or "my friend told me" or "i found out it was sold out". first, i'm not even his assistant! second, i understand if he wanted to keep the whole idea that we were planning on doing something together under wraps...if it meant something more to him than just two colleagues going out. if it was just two friends from the office going out, why couldn't he just say that? he wasn't even talking to someone who knew me so what's the big deal? and then when he left tonight, he said to A, "give me a call later if you want." and when I left, he said, "thanks for coming out." argh, i don't know. stop thinking, stop thinking. stop thinking!!!!!

i knew it was too good to be true. sigh.

curiouser and curiouser...

my OC looked really good yesterday. he wore a powder blue v-neck sweater that was just the right shade to make his eyes look an even deeper blue than they already are. the only way he could've looked better is if he had been wearing jeans and the sweater. sigh. ahem, anyway, to business...

he stopped at my desk first thing yesterday morning with the biggest cheshire cat grin i've ever seen on his face. i laughed and said, "you must be pretty pleased with yourself." i had been sent an e-mail from one of the other lawyers at the firm whom the OC has been feuding with, albeit in a "boys will be boys" type of way. practical jokes and that sort of thing. the e-mail was an open-letter apology from the other lawyer, sent to a select few people in the firm, including my boss, the managing partner. the e-mail waxed sincere, but there was something about it that didn't hit me right. when my OC came by with the smile, he admitted that he had sent it from the other lawyer's computer. i thought it was brilliant, but my boss was in the other lawyer's office in the morning, giving him shit for his behaviour. my OC quickly tried to delete the remaining unread e-mails from everyone else's system. it was pretty funny.

at lunch, i figured he would be downstairs in the lunchroom with everyone else in the building, watching the world cup. he was, but there was only one other person in there. i managed to get a few minutes "alone time" with him in which i said, "so, are you going to your concert tonight?" and he said that the people he thought would be into it didn't want to go so he didn't know. i said, "well, if you need company, i'll go with you." door open :) he said, "well, yeah, if you want to go, that would be good." we then had a short discussion about if i was going to go home after work or if i would stick around and left it at that. later on in the day, he phoned me from the courthouse library where he was doing research. HE PHONED ME. i don't have a direct line so he had to go through the switchboard! anyway, he said he just wanted to touch base about that evening. we chatted about how late he was going to be at the library and whether i would stick around and then i said i should probably get tickets and then we could decide how it was going to work. he agreed. i asked him, "do you want me to check to see if there are tickets and then call you back?" and he said, "What the hell - just get a couple of tickets." A COUPLE OF TICKETS - as in you and me. hee hee. (hey, that rhymed) so i called the jazz hotline and the give me the not surprising but very devastating news that the show was sold out. i didn't want to phone him back right away and tell him. my twisted logic was that i would let the idea of him spending the evening with me stew in his mind and then tell him when he got back. it turns out he was back within half an hour of our conversation so i popped into his office and said, "well, it was sold out." and he said, "WHAT? how could it be sold out? nobody knows who this guy is??!?" and i said, "well, apparently people want to see the boy named Seu." and he pondered on it for a minute and the looked up at me and said, "well, i guess that's it then." huh. at the end of the day, his friend had come by to visit and i walked by his office and he called my name (which i obviously didn't hear) and then came after me and said, "are you leaving now?" and i said, "not as yet." and he said, "ok, we're still trying to salvage something for tonight so..." and i said, "ok, just let me know."

in any event, we ended up spending the evening together as my boss, who i now affectionately refer to as the General because of the way he goes about organizing people for activities, wanted to take me out for a birthday drink and to thank me for hanging around after work to get this one fax out before i left (at 5:30!). so the General rounded up my other boss, the Student, A and my OC and we all headed off to his tennis club to have a drink. it was really nice, although in my mind, that evening should have finished off with me and the OC saying, "well, we have to get going. we're going to a show at the Jazz Festival tonight." oh. DAMN. in any event, i am seeing him this afternoon at A's beach bash. somewhere near Jericho sailing club...but not. oy.

strange things are afoot

my OC was flirting with me today. at my birthday lunch, one of our lunch mates thought we were dating (she asked me afterwards, not during lunch!) because of the way we were behaving. when i asked him if he was going to the beach party on saturday, he said, "for the benefit of your attendance, yes!" (because I had told the host that I wasn't going to go unless someone I knew went). and he asked me, albeit rushed and a bit offhandedly, if i wanted to go to a concert tomorrow night at the jazz festival (not just with him but he's trying to get a group together). if he asks again, i'm going to say yes. the way he asked today was phrased in such a way that i couldn't really answer yes without it sounding like i was just saying yes to whatever he was saying to me. anyway, that might not happen. in fact, i'm not sure what is happening with him. he has been very flirty lately, although i think in general, he can be a bit of a flirt (he is half Greek, after all). today, he was humming while he was waiting for his print job to come out and i turned around and smiled at him quizzically. he said to me, "Tango. Now there's a dance." out of the blue. so i said, "Do you tango?" and he said, "I have." and I said, "Let's see it - dance for us now!" and he goes, "Unfortunately, the tango requires a partner..." and before I could smartly say something about me being his partner, the other paralegal i work with piped up and said, "A's a ballroom dancer! She can tango with you!" gravy. no lead in for me anymore. And even if she hadn't piped up, my deskmate was already in there, telling him she needed a strong man to lead her. OY!

in any event, strange things are happening. I like what's happening but i don't want to get my hopes up. i'm not being negative, it's just that the likelihood of anything happening between us is very slim. but i'll enjoy the attention while it lasts. :)

progress?

i'm not sure what to make of my OC or whether i should make anything at all. first, we were all in the lunch room the other day - me, the Student, OC and our receptionist. the OC and the Student were watching the World Cup game while I was chatting with our receptionist. All of a sudden, the OC says to me, in Italian, "What time is it?" I looked at my watch and said, "About 1 o'clock." and he said, "Grazie". we actually exchanged what i felt was a look and a smile but OY! that was hot.

then, thursday was the firm function - golf and then a dinner cruise around the bay. he was two teams ahead of me so i basically just had the first hole to chat with him. we basically just stood together, made a comment here and there, but just stood together and watched as people teed off. i saw him at about the 6th hole at a distance. i was watching him walk to the next tee-off spot and he was looking in my direction. he gave me a little wave and i waved back. i didn't see him again until the we all got to the boat. and then he was busy on the phone with his friend and it sounded like he was making plans to go out that night. anyway... i was hoping to sit near him at dinner but he lagged behind while we all boarded so by the time i had picked a spot, sat down, gone to the washroom to wash my grubby hands and came back, he had staked out a spot at the end of the table, sitting across from the Student. oooooh, i was seriously peeved. we didn't interact again until about half an hour later when we were all out on deck, waiting for the boat to sail. there were a bunch of us grouped around him and one of the secretaries was "sizing him up" and saying that she thought he was shy. he didn't agree or disagree, as usual. i think i might have said something like, "there's nothing wrong with being shy." and B said, "oh, you're not shy!" and i said, "oh, yes i am!" and she looked at both of us and said, "well, you two should get together!" and i was so embarrased that i didn't really know where to look so i just smiled and looked into the depths of my strawberry margarita. that was about the extent of the interaction until after dinner.

he had spent a lot of time on the deck, chatting with people, including the Student, as well as chatting on his phone. i had pretty much given up hope of any interaction with him. then, he went to get dessert. instead of getting a dessert plate and loading up, he got a dinner plate and loaded up. i was sitting at one end of the long table with someone and he sat at his end. he smiled at me when he started to dig in (as we all know how he likes his sweets). i decided to seize the opportunity and went over to his side and sat with him. we chatted about the golfing and the dessert (he finished the entire plate). we sort of sat there awkwardly and then he said, "do you think we're allowed to go up there?", pointing to a steep set of stairs in the middle of the boat. i replied that it was probably ok since there were no signs. after a pause, he dug into his bag, took out a pack of cigarettes (which i gave him a look for), and said, "you wanna go up?" and i said, "ok, i'll join you."

we walked upstairs to a nearly empty deck on the very upper level of the boat. we stood at the railing which was at a corner so we were basically facing each other and he smoked and we talked. and after he finished his cigarette, we talked some more. and then he pulled down the sleeves of his sweater because he was cold and we chatted some more. then, he lit another cigarette and we continued to talk. it was only at the announcement that the boat was nearing the dock that he suggested we go back in. it was so weird. it was so nice.

we went back downstairs and headed out onto the deck to join the party. as i got out there and looked into the dining room where the rest of the firm was sitting, the ladies in the window motioned me to come back inside. when i walked back in, they all said, "where have you been??? we've been looking for you!" and they all had their expectant looks and i said, "oh, we went upstairs to the upper deck." and they all had more expectant looks and one said, "AND...?" and i said, "Ugh, NOTHING!" they all let out a collective, "OH!" one of my co-workers said, "you guys were gone a long time!" another one said, "we were going to come look for you but we didn't want to disturb anything in case you were getting some action!" no chance of that happening. but it felt good because i knew he hadn't disappeared with anyone else. trust me, i was watching :)

at the end of the night, i didn't get a chance to say goodbye. i don't know if he ended up going off with the die-hards to continue drinking at the lift because i had overheard him on the phone saying that he'd be back on land by around 10:00.

the next day was weird. i was so busy that i didn't really get much of a chance to say anything to him. he and the Student went for lunch together. and the only time he came anywhere near my desk was to dig into the candy dish, which i busted him for. but he was busy chatting with my deskmate. at one point, he did say to me, "where'd you disappear to last night? i looked and all of a sudden you were gone. you missed it - T and i went dancing afterwards." and i know it wasn't true but man, did the pangs of jealousy rip through me when he said that, for two reasons: 1) he implicated my deskmate, whom i suspect has a crush on him too, even though she's a bit older than him; and 2) he knew i wanted to go dancing the night before. all in all, yesterday was a moody day for me. i was depressed for most of the day but i wasn't sure whether it was because i was confused about things or whether it was the lack of sleep and lingering tequila tummy that had me feeling sad. in any event, i perked up during the iced cappuccino break in the afternoon.

the one thing i did struggle over was how i could help myself forget about the OC. let's face it - it's going nowhere, regardless of how much i think i'm trying. even if he is interested, i have a feeling he wouldn't do anything about it because we work together, which i absolutely don't blame him for because i'd be the same way. so, i should forget about him. but it's hard when i see him every day. i am doing the only thing i know how to do to help cope and that's to work too much. so that's what i did.

the worst part of it is that i ignore the Student when she gets friendly with him, even though i know she has a boyfriend and that from what i understand from other people, she's totally crazy about her boyfriend. she's so nice and we have a lot of things in common but i just can't look at her when she walks in after having lunch with him. drives me bonkers. but more because it drives me bonkers than it is about her. anyway...

i bought a new bed today. it was the most spontaneous $800 purchase i've ever made. but i can't wait to sleep on it! it's going to be delivered to my new apartment. one less thing for me to move, anyway. i'd better get on hiring movers, eh?

sleeping dogs don't lie

he e-mailed me again. WTF. this time, just in the subject line again, he said "I thought I would try again...HI." WTF. in the body of the e-mail was his signature line from work - i guess he's finally employed again. that doesn't change anything for me, though. so, i wonder what i should do. the last time i spoke with him i said, almost verbatim, "I don't understand why you don't get this - I don't want to see you anymore." that's pretty mean for me. ignoring the last e-mail (you know, the one that just said "HI" in the subject line and that's it) was hard because all i wanted to do was tell him off. this time, i wonder if ignoring him will work. this was his pattern with his ex-GF - breaking up, getting back together. unfortunately for him, that was never a pattern i followed with any of my previous dates/BFs. once it was over for me, it was over. it doesn't take long for me to realize what a dork the guy was, even if i couldn't see it three days before the breakup. so i suppose i will just ignore him. i will get a male opinion on this, tomorrow hopefully, and i hope he agrees with me and the female opinion i received. he will.

OT - the Student has a boyfriend! i was in the lunchroom with a few people on friday and she came in and sat down with us. we were all chatting about movies and i was right in there instead of just observing from the sidelines. when everyone else but the Student left to go back to work, i didn't want to be rude and ignore her, even though that is my passive-aggressive approach, so we continued chatting about movies and other things. turns out were more alike than i thought. she's very nice and i would've begrudged that fact until she said she was going to make dinner for her boyfriend's birthday that weekend. not that that fact changes the situation (or lack thereof) between me and the OC but it makes me feel a little better.

as for the OC, he's been friendlier lately, which has been nice. the three of us (the Student, me and the OC) were in the lunchroom yesterday. they were both doing their respective newspaper puzzles but we all ended up chatting. the OC asked how my weekend was (has never done that unless i've asked him first). he also said, "i heard you have pictures up of your trip. may i see them?" and then he reminded me in an e-mail to send them. in short, he's been very interactive since i've been back. when i asked him whether or not he was going to attend next week's firm golf/boat cruise evening, he sighed and said, "oh right. i guess i'd better RSVP." he said the reason he doesn't go to firm functions is that he doesn't know how to make conversation. he had said that in past conversations but i never believed him until now. there was also some reminiscing about the Christmas party and according to him, he was very drunk. could've fooled me; i thought he was the only sober person in the room. remember, i had my hand on his knee for a portion of the evening. i don't think he does :)

i am having a very hard time packing. at the moment, i'm at the "purging" stage but i can't seem to purge as much as i would like to. i'd like to move into my apartment with the bare necessities and start my new life fresh but a packrat like me doesn't let go of things easily. incidentally, the notary's office phoned me today to get some info for closing. one question she asked was what my occupation was, so it could go on the title to my apartment. without hesitation, i said, "Paralegal." i think that's going to look much better on the title than "legal assistant", which is what i've been going by in my ambiguous position at the firm. although one of my lawyers, seer that he is, very recently asked me to start drafting an affidavit for one of his non-PI files. i swear, he is either psychic or someone is feeding him information on my feelings about work and co-workers because out of the blue, he gives me a project that he would normally give to my co-worker. a paralegal project. problem is, i still have two other lawyers that need secretarial stuff done on a daily basis. but i will make time for that affidavit. i will, damn it, if i have to take the file home with me!

kalimera!

i just got back from Greece. isn't that awesome??? i did a 9-day tour (well, more like a 7-day tour), three days i athens and a four day island hopping cruise. i went to mykonos (loved it, am going to go back), kusadasi (in Turkey, saw Ephesus - awesome), patmos, rhodes, crete, and santorini (loved it, am going to go back). and me being as funny as i am, i didn't tell anyone where i was going, let alone that i was going on holidays. the people that needed to know, knew which was all i cared about. i told my OC that i was going on holidays the day before i left and he didn't even ask me where i was going. to his homeland! anyway... the cruise was ok. since my first and only cruise before this one was on carnival cruise lines, this small greek line paled in comparison. the rooms were tiny and so was the bathroom. the food was awful (the fried eggs at the buffet swam in olive oil. SWAM!). staff wasn't cute, except for one dining room waiter who actually propositioned me (i turned him down, in case you were keeping tabs). i took lots of pictures. i'm getting much better at picking shots - some of my pictures were actually quite good. and my friend who is an amateur photographer said so too!

since i got back, i've had an interview with the law society, graduated school and had lots of sleep. first, the law society - i figured since i hadn't heard from them in a month since i sent in my application that i wouldn't hear from them. wrong. they e-mailed me the thursday before i got home. i went for an interview on monday afternoon. sort of lucky the way it worked out, as i didn't go back to work until today. interview was ok - i knew the lawyer who interviewed me as he used to work for Crown and i knew him from when i worked at Supreme Court. he probably recognized my face but didn't know me by name. he's cute. and married. and would be my boss. by the description of the job alone, i know i want it. only problem is that i still like where i am. don't like some people i work with and i wish i was doing different work but i love the firm i'm at and i really like my boss. apparently, he was looking for me yesterday as he thought that when i was coming back. and, he called me into his office this morning, not to give me work but to ask me how my holidays were so we chatted for about 10 minutes about greece and holidays and that sort of thing. and he said twice that he was happy to have me back. what more could i ask for?

yesterday, i graduated from my stupid program. i got to walk across the stage one more time. not that exciting and only a third of our class showed up but it was good to see everyone nonetheless. food at the reception was good. they had fresh fruit and a tub of chocolate fondue. i didn't partake in the fondue but man, the fresh pineapple was good!

i don't know what to make of my OC anymore. we basically ignored each other all morning but then, he was at the printer at my desk and i was looking at something on my screen (i.e. not totally engrossed in something) and he said, "well, good morning! welcome back." and i was a bit surprised as he never says anything like that to me. he usually sings or hums as he waits for his pages to come out but never greets me in any way. he asked me how my holidays were and, as i had put out some turkish delight in the coffee room, he said, "so you were holidaying in turkey?" and i laughed and said, "actually no, i was in greece most of the time. i know, i bring back turkish delight from my holiday in greece." and he was mock offended and lectured me on how his people (i.e. the Greeks) were actually the first to make turkish delight but it's called something else. we chatted about where his people were from and then he asked me about where i went on my holidays. we probably would've kept talking for awhile but the boss came by with some work. one funny thing, though. after he said good morning and welcome back, i said, "thanks! so you did notice i was gone. some people didn't..." and he said, and i thought more seriously than mockingly, "oh yeah. i definitely noticed you were gone." maybe it had to do with the nearly empty candy dish. i can always dream. but i understand that he and the student are still going out for the occasional lunch. WTF. oh well.

so now that i'm back from holidays, the things that are now on my plate are my move at the end of june and my birthday in 21 days. yikes. if i were more inclined, i'd start clearing out my closet now but ...eh... not so much.

green-eyed monsters

i'm jealous of our law student on a number of levels.

first, she's beautiful. i can't tell what her background is by her surname but she looks ... i want to say armenian ... or maybe persian ... middle-eastern, anyway. she's got really nice eyes and that olive-toned skin. longish dark curly hair. average height.

second, she's young. i think she's just finished her first year of law school, which means she went right to it after university. so she's always known what she wanted to do with her life. ugh.

third, she's smart. everyone says how quickly she's caught on, despite the fact that she's never worked in an office before, oh she's so bright, blah blah blah.

fourth, she's nice.

fifth, she's working as our law student this summer. hence, i will not be taking on any researching projects for any lawyers. back to dictations i go.

sixth, and most importantly, she spent her first week last week at lunch with my Office Crush almost every day. if not by mutual invitation, then by coincidence. i was soooo peeved. and yet, i was more pissed off at myself that i was mad at her for catching his attention. is that her fault? is that mine? oy!

so, i decided to just forget about him - if that's the kind of woman he wants (young, smart, beautiful, nice), then let him have her. everyone i whined to said she's too young for him but i ask you: when has a woman in her early 20s ever been too young for any man?

the worst part is, had anyone been paying attention last week, they would've noticed i was in a rotten mood most of the week, i practically ignored her unless she happened to walk right at me and i didn't even ask how she was finding things (something i always ask new people). i practically ignored my OC. i know. in my mind, i think he may have noticed because towards the end of the week, he started to seek me out instead of the other way around. and today, he left a box of chocolates on my desk (that's usually my thing). i mean, let's face it, when he leaves chocolates on my desk, they're usually opened and one or two have been taken out. but the fact that he left it all made me laugh.

one other psycho observation on my part. i think she's copying me :) she's got curly, curly hair. last week, i wore my hair straight the entire week except for friday, when i went wavy and, i always wear my glasses. this morning, who had straight hair and had glasses on that she didn't wear all last week? the student. she started last week in pantsuits with her hair pulled back. by wednesday, she was wearing skirts and her hair down. i thought it was kind of funny. ok, that's enough about that. i'm over it now.

i need to stop obsessing over someone that doesn't care if i'm there or not! i need to find a challenge outside of this work crush. but less expensive and time consuming than law school. one day, i will find balance. :)

someone like you...but not you

i went out for coffee after work with my guy friend...basically the only guy friend i have left. we're coffee buddies. about once a month, we get in touch and spend an hour or so after work one night talking and catching up over a coffee, usually just at a coffee shop. then, we walk to the skytrain together, and chat on the way home - i change trains in new west and we say goodbye. he's since moved downtown so today, the purpose was to catch up and then see his new apartment.

background with my guy friend - we met online and basically had intentions to "date" casually but that got blown away when i met The Boy. for whatever reason, i chose The Boy over my friend. in any event, we decided to remain in touch and have become friends.

today, i met him at the lobby of his office building. he came down the elevator with a colleague, whom he introduced me to (he's a polite boy that way) and the we were off to his apartment. we can chatter non-stop when we get together. there's always something to talk about. checked out his apartment, snooped through his cupboards, walked in on him changing (hey, he left the door open and then said, "do you want to see her (meaning the girl he's dating) picture?" i assumed it was in the room he was in!), saw pictures of the girl he's "seeing" (now i know why he's seeing her...pinup girl), and then we started off for coffee. we ended up getting sushi to go and sat outside on the library steps for an impromptu picnic and people watched. then, we went inside the library and sat at one of the big windows and people watched some more, same view but inside. and we chattered non-stop. and not about superficial things. we talk about life and love and work and family, everything you could think of. then, he asked me if i wanted to grab a hot chocolate. i figured we were going to grab it to-go so he could walk me to the skytrain and not be cold. but we sat and talked some more. we were together for over three hours. it was like a date...a great date...one of the best ones i've been on in a long time; but it wasn't a date-date.

what i'm trying to say is -- why can't i find someone just like him, but not him? i really like him, don't get me wrong. we understand each other's sense of humour and i think we get along really well. he's attractive and smart and basically, a really nice guy, even though he claims to be a jerk. but at this point, even if he was still interested in dating me (which i don't think he is but then, i can't say that he isn't. i don't know. anyway.), i know way too much about his personal life now to really be comfortable with him as a partner. and perhaps vice-versa.

i'm always a little sad after i see him. whether it's because i enjoy myself so much that i hate to see it end or whether it's because i wish i could be with him (and i'm not sure that's it, exactly), i don't know. i'll be over it tomorrow, i'm sure. but for tonight, i'm a little blue.

updates

i'm going to Greece! it sounds so bizarre saying that. it's not really a place that people go everyday. it's not like saying, "i'm going to California" or "i'm going to New York". i guess that's why people say it. my boss went to Hong Kong a couple of months ago and he couldn't stop saying it. i think most people refer to their vacation as "vacation" and not usually by the destination. maybe i'm wrong. but for a couple of weeks prior to his vacation, he kept saying, "well, when i'm in Hong Kong..." or "that'll have to wait until i'm back from Hong Kong." that being said, it's 20 days until i leave for Greece!!!

oh, it's a 9-day Greek island cruise, basically. the first three days are spent in Athens and then we cruise to 5 islands with one stop in Turkey (not Istanbul, unfortunately, but i will get to see the ancient city of Ephesus!). and i'm going with my mom. not my ideal travel partner but then again, she's funding the trip so who am i to complain?

as for the love-life, you can see it two ways: non-existent or on the brink of exploding. i had a date with a guy i met online on thursday. he spent the first 20 minutes talking about how much money he had. i determined in the first 10 minutes i didn't want to see him again. ugh. then there's another guy i met online that i thought would turn into something but he doesn't seem to think that getting together is of great importance. we went out once and it was really nice and that's why i thought for sure i'd see him again soon. not so. we've talked on MSN a couple of times since and on the phone and he's asked me to go out a number of times but he never makes a firm plan. weird.

then, there are the boys at work. we won't talk about the Office Crush as we already know that it's a hopeless case. but i keep trying :) no, there is a bike courier at work that is apparently going to ask me out. he's been talking to my receptionist about me and she's been keeping me abreast of the goings on. i don't see him much, only when i relieve at reception. he's really nice. he's the one that used the "Miss Tahiti 1999" on me. i understand from my receptionist that he's afraid i'll turn him down or it won't work out and we'll stop using his company for courier work. methinks he's had some rejection in the past! i was at reception on friday when he came in. unfortunately, when he came in, one of the lawyers was up front reading the paper at the counter so i only managed to smile and say hi to him. oddly enough, my Office Crush walked up behind him and to me and asked me for help. i managed to smile and wave goodbye to the courier while i was also trying to give my Office Crush my full attention. hard to do.

and of course, i began thinking about what that meant. had i been alone in reception, he probably would've asked me out then (maybe). he likely would've chatted me up more, in any event. yet circumstances were such that i wasn't alone and moreover, i was with my OC. did it happen this way because i'm not supposed to go out with him? or did it happen this way so i could see, at the same time, that the way my OC looks at me is nothing compared to the way the courier looks at me? the courier has this sort of dreamy, smitten look when he says hi to me. my OC doesn't really get that look. although, sometimes when we're just chatting about nothing related to work, he does have this sort of smouldering, bedroomy look in his beautiful blues. he is Greek, after all.

update - i have a date tomorrow night with the wayward online guy. we'll see how it goes. well, i know it will go well; it's just that i don't understand why he doesn't call me. i was determined not to give him the time of day if he had the nerve to phone again but in his message, he didn't sound like he felt he had done anything wrong. don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. in any event, the plan is made. i will keep you posted.

one more day

i don't know if i can make it. this morning, the cat sat on my chest and stomped her front paws back and forth until i woke up. i got up to feed her and then went back to bed. within minutes, she was back on the bed, mewing at me. i don't get cats.

i may just clean up and leave today, stopping by tomorrow at lunch maybe to make sure she's got enough food. makes sense - that way i don't have to worry about doing laundry when i get home tomorrow to make sure they have clean sheets when they get back. plus, i'm out of food anyway. :)

on a different note, i'm going to apply for a job at the law society. it took me that job posting to realize that i am not doing what i want to be doing. i'm not even slowly working towards what i want to do. i'm just not doing what i intended to do at all. i love the law firm i work at and my bosses and most of the people i work with but it's not the reason i became a paralegal. the law society posting is right up my alley - mostly legal research and giving opinions, interviewing witnesses, document management - it was like it was written for me. and posting closes on friday. i will phone them tomorrow to find out who to direct my application to (something i was taught in school!) and then i'll send it off. i am thinking about giving the boss the heads up but i don't want to jinx it. i have positive thoughts and if i don't get it, i'll be disappointed but at least i know now where my frustration in my job lies. how to fix it is another story.

coffee

i had coffee with dave this morning. it was really nice. he came by my building (he was smoking on the bench outside when i walked out. my first words to him were, "oh, gawd, you're not still smoking are you?") and we walked down to starbucks at mainland and davie. we had coffee and a good chat for about an hour then walked around for another 20 minutes. i was trying to convince him that his independently owned drycleaner was not open today and likely not his barber either. we had to walk to his drycleaner and actually see that it was closed for him to believe me. i then tried to convince him to walk the six blocks to his barber instead of drive, regardless of whether or not it was open and then we said our goodbyes. it was really nice. did i say that already?

i lazed around for a good couple of hours afterwards - came home, had lunch, watched my "house" dvds in bed - and then finally dragged myself out of the apartment and onto the downtown streets. it was supposed to rain today but when i left, it was cloudy and the sun was just starting to poke through. it was so nice.

i walked to MAC on robson. i was ignored by three or four salesgirls until a guy finally came up to me and asked me if i needed help. i ended up buying two pots of eyeshadow and a lipgloss from him. he looked like (i'm not kidding) chris kattan but with much prettier eyes and far more flaming. good choice in lipgloss color, though.

i then walked to london drugs, the aldo outlet and finally, chapters where i proceeded to spend the rest of the afternoon. i browsed through every bargain book and was going to buy a coffee table book called "degrees", which is a black & white photo book of celebrities who are 6 degrees or less from kevin bacon. i didn't end up leaving with it but i think i will go back tomorrow. my excuse was that i don't have a coffee table to put it on yet. i still think that's a good excuse.

i proceeded back towards the apartment, stopping at shopper's drug mart at homer and nelson (i'm throwing out street names because i'm getting better at figuring out which way is which!) to pick up a gingerale and a bag of chocolate eggies. the last damn bag of eggies in the store. take that! as i walked down the street towards the apartment, i looked across the street and there was a guy, walking in the same direction with a shopping bag. we exchanged glances back and forth until he ducked into the 7-11 and i mentally patted myself on the back for finally living "the life".

talk about fate

i am in yaletown. the last time i was cat-sitting in yaletown, i tried to make coffee date plans with dave. they fell through. i have long decided to stop beating my head against the proverbial wall and stop calling him/emailing him/in general, just cease all unnecessary communications with him. i was okay with this.

i went to a welcoming ceremony for a lawyer i know who was recently elevated to the bench. it was at the courthouse on smithe street so me and my boss walked there after work. the courtroom was crowded and we arrived with a minute left before they began. i scooted into the aisle to get a better view of the seating situation and who is the first person i lock eyes with? dave. who works in surrey. i pretended not to see him (very smooth, i know). but i didn't want to not talk to him. so at the reception afterwards, i sort of sidled up to him and we chatted. and for the record, he's the one who brought up coffee. ok, so i casually mentioned that i was housesitting near him. a block away from him. on the same street. and as he left, he made sure to ask if i still had his number. i hesitated and asked if he had mine. he said he might but he had a new phone. then he said, "well, you know where i work. call me there if you don't have my cell." too easy.

i will call him - you know i will. but i have zero expectations now. we're just friends and i'm okay with that. really i am. no, really. :)

ol' blue eyes

my Office Crush is so cute. he wore a shirt that i really like today. i'm sure i've told him i liked him in it but i should've said it again today. he got a delivery today while i was covering for our receptionist's break so i decided i would take it to him on my way back to my desk. our receptionist said i was going to make his day because he'd been looking forward to this package for awhile. i knocked at his door and, sure enough, the minute his eyes saw the package, his eyes lit up and this huge grin spread across his face. it was like a kid at Christmas, the way he dove into it. and, i've discovered we have another thing in common (aside from thinking that life should be like a movie musical): old, used books. he told me about this website he orders used books from and i e-mailed him later and asked him what the website address was. at the end of the day (i worked late again), he came by the printer at my desk to pick up something he printed, started off back to his desk then came back and said, "so, you like old books?" i told him i collected old poetry books. he asked me which poets and i said, "keats, tennyson, yeats, wordsworth...the romantic lot." and he smiled and nodded appreciatively. then he asked if everything with my condo purchase was sorted out and i said yes and told him that i'd be sending out invitations for my moving party soon so if anyone had an SUV or a pickup truck... he said, "i have a pickup truck!" and i said, "well, then i'll be needing you soon." and he said, "i might be selling it." and i laughed.

he's so cute. i stopped by his office on my way out, not hoping for anything but i thought i'd ask him what he had planned for the weekend. reading the book and painting his apartment were on the agenda. i wasn't going to ask him out so i didn't but i wish i had just put it out there. then again, how smart would that have been since he hasn't really expressed too much interest, other than a passing interest.

on a slightly different note, the other day, i was cleaning out some of my desk drawers at home. i keep all of my "goodbye" cards from where i've worked in the past and i read the one i got when i left CWS. i was trying to decipher different handwriting and trying to picture what this person or that person looked like. and then, at the bottom of the card, in the corner, i read a sentiment that literally jolted my heart. i hadn't thought of him in a long time in the context of our relationship but i had thought of him recently. but seeing his handwriting and what he had to say about me leaving and the future and his name.... it was amazing the physical response, albeit split-second, those three lines of text caused. i haven't seen him in 8 years - can you believe that? not that i expected to bump into him but i guess i'm just not meant to. just like i haven't bumped into my ex, even though i've bumped into his friends on social occasions. weird the way life works, eh?

progress?

i've taken what the TV guy said to heart and i've put it into action.

today, on my way home i decided to stop off at pacific centre to see if there were any good sales on. there were (hush puppies for $32!). as i was paying for my shoes, a tall, cute blond guy walks by the cash register. i check him out. he's already checking me out. i avert my eyes briefly and then i look back up again as he walks by me. he smiles at me (!!!!!). i smiled back and ducked my head down to look for my credit card. ok, so, not great but it was something. at least i smiled back this time. normally, i'd just duck my head down and pretend i didn't even see him.

PROGRESS!

(and i got a pair of sunglasses for $14!)

no picture tube

the picture tube in the TV at my friend's place has blown. how do you tell someone, "i broke your TV"? it's their fault - they leave the TV on all day for the cat :)

so i went to my interview at the TV thing. it was videotaped - ugh! i bet i looked all fat and lumpy and gross. but i was chatty and i didn't talk with my hands too much so it went okay. i hope they don't pick me as a makeover subject. i mean, i think it would be cool but they need more time during the week and work hours than i'm willing to give them. besides, being a date for the subjects would be just as fun. still don't know about the whole TV thing.

i was reading over e-mails from a friend of mine - guy friend, used to be potential date but now he tells me so much about his sex life that i'm sure he's not interested in me anymore. anyway, it's such a shame that we met when we were both at different places in our lives. we get along so well and i think he's great. but i think i know too much about how he "is" and vice-versa that i don't think we'll ever get together. oh well.

i am still contemplating whether i should drive home to get some lighter shirts to wear to work (fabric-wise). i have one more t-shirt type top but i wore it just this past thursday or friday and god forbid i wear the same thing twice in less than a week! it may have to be done, however, as it's just too bloody hot to wear sweaters. what was i thinking?

back in town

yaletown, that is. i'm cat sitting for the next two weeks and have the luxury of walking to work everyday. i did it for the first time today and i quite enjoyed it (aside from getting rained on). i know i would've liked to have done it as a regular thing but i'm really looking forward to moving into my place. MY place. my PLACE. woo hooo!

a coffee date just cancelled on me via text message. i wasn't too happy about the method but then again, i've been guilty of cancelling by e-mail so i can't be too mad. i'm disappointed, though. on MSN, he's kind of manic. on the phone, he was rather subdued. don't know if he was just nervous or disappointed in the sound of my voice or he's just stupid but it's not looking too promising anymore.

the TV show that considering me for a reality-show date called me today after a few weeks of no contact. i'm going to meet them tomorrow after work. i don't know if i ever mentioned it in my previous blogs but there is this show that advertised for date makeovers so i went to the website and signed up. i put a picture too, which helped, apparently. well, the guy i talked to ended up counselling me (this was in December) about the stupid Boy and told me that i wasn't right for the show because i was "technically" not single. anyway, a few days later, he phones me again and asks if i would be interested in being a "date" to the makeover candidates. he also assures me that one of the reasons why they didn't pick me for a makeover is because i didn't need half as much work, date-wise, as the people they picked for the show! makes me feel a little better. but i'm still nervous about meeting the production guy. i mean, i sent them the picture that's on this blog. i hope they don't think i was grossly misrepresenting myself!

my Office Crush chose to sit beside me not once but twice at a going-away lunch for his secretary. i took it as promising but i'm not getting my hopes up! he wore a blue tie yesterday that (i'm not kidding you) made his already beautiful blue eyes look like pools of blue-colored water. soooooooo nice.

damn these seagulls.

back to my Office Crush. i know i should give up on him but it's just so easy to look at him. i learned today that he's been begging for candy at another girl's desk. she's a married woman but i wonder why he's not coming to me. it doesn't help that my desk mate likes to flirt with him. and he seems to enjoy it. i know i should give up. but i can't. not yet. or, i should just get it over with and ask him out. but i can't. not yet.

:)

gawd, i'm not feeling good about myself. i should not be meeting the TV guy tomorrow!

WTF

he came to my work today to drop off flowers. with a card that said, "can we have dinner tomorrow - i need to talk to you." fuck off.

then, he phoned my house again this evening. i didn't answer but i phoned him back a few minutes later. and he talked to me like nothing bad had ever happened between us. i was so mad, i don't even remember what i said. i just know i was annoyed and not very nice. well, i don't think i was mean - i was just blunt. he asked me how i could just "turn off my feelings". i told him it was three months in the making. when i asked him about that last e-mail he sent, he laughed it off and said, "well, you made me mad." so i said, "well, you make me mad. that's why we're not seeing each other anymore." he kept asking me to go for lunch or dinner with him. i kept saying no. at the end, i said, "i'm sorry (not really), but i thought i made myself clear before." he actually said, "well, you don't have to be mean about it."

What-The-Fuck. please, oh, please let this be the last I ever hear from him. i don't wish anything bad to happen to him but he needs to leave me alone. in the timeless words of emily dickenson (or was it gloria estefan?):

go away
won't you just go away
go away
don't you come back one day
take your stuff
take all of your precious things
leave right now
who knows what tomorrow brings
stay away
won't you please stay away
live your life but live it real far away
save yourself
there's no way to get it all
look around the writing is on the wall

and when you go i won't miss you at all
and when you go i'll be having a ball
you will see
thoughts of you won't ever cross my mind
it's the truth don't mean to be unkind
'cause people have the right to party
and you won't let them have their fun
see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya
auf wiedersehen, au revoir, shalom

go away
would you please go away
go away
you're outta here come what may
hit the road
don't bother to say goodbye
don't care how
don't even matter why

yes, people have the right to party
and we're not waiting till you're gone
ciao, bye bye, hasta la vista fare thee well,adios, so long

stupid or just dense?

he phoned me yesterday. twice. and left a message saying that he just wanted to hear my voice and hoped that everything was going well. and then he phoned me again today - both on the mobile and on the house phone. WTF?

is he stupid? is he ignoring the fact that our last communcation was by him and it specifically said, "i won't bother you anymore?" WTF!

he's always said that just "hearing my voice" makes him feel better. i have the right mind to change my outgoing message on my cell phone to the system greeting. WTF...

back on the chain gang

if you consider on-line dating to be a chain gang.

yes, i'm doing it again. i've put a profile up on my favorite site to see what i can see (not unlike the bear that went over the mountain). i'm trying to be positive about it all and have nearly convinced myself to meet everyone that asks to meet. after all, you don't have to marry them and you never know until you meet them, right? although the first guy that sent me a "smile" spelled something wrong in his profile. i know i shouldn't judge just by that but he spelled "trying" as "triing". twice.

i have not given up on the Office Crush but have given up on the idea that anything might come of it. he's not interested. at the same time, i'm thinking that perhaps i need to change my tactic. forget about saving face and just put myself out there - flirt shamelessly, even. screw the candies; they're not getting me anywhere. i don't know. i'll explore that idea tomorrow if i have time.

but he does have the most amazing blue eyes. he was at my desk again today, asking a litigation question (he was so excited about getting to do a chambers application on wednesday - it was so cute). of course, my area-mate answered the question for him (i think she might like him too - although she is older than both of us) so i kept working away at my stuff. i am comforted by the fact that, although she was helping him, he didn't take his file off my counter and move over to her, where he could've seen what she was doing. i am totally reading into things but it makes me feel better. he's so cute. OMG.

no pancakes

while i can't say that i'm even remotely Catholic anymore, i do know that it's the first day of Lent tomorrow and every year, i try to do something. i usually promise to exercise more regularly or attempt to give up sweets for the 40 days. this year, i'm going to do something that will benefit me all around and it'll be something that i not only should do, but want to do. tomorrow, i am going to be a better paralegal. i'm going to try harder to be what i'm supposed to be, and not be content with being what i am now. it's time.

on a different note, the Boy sent me an e-mail yesterday, telling me how much he missed me and how hard it was for him to not have me in his life. i sent one back, jokingly saying that it's only been two weeks. he sent me an e-mail today, asking me to go see a movie with him. i politely said that i didn't think it was a good idea. he fired one back at me that said, and i quote:

"What is wrong with you? I always forgave you when you had your "moments." I'm not allowed to have one or two of my own? I thought you were more understanding... I guess not.Don't worry, I won't bother you anymore."

oh, to dream of him not bothering me anymore! :) once again, he re-affirms my rock-solid belief that i've done the right thing.

as for my Office Crush....sigh. i know he just sees me as his candy pusher (or rather, the Candy Fairy, as he likes to refer to me when we speak of me in the third person), but it's totally worth it. to have him hang around my desk and beg for a treat like a little puppy... I LOVE IT.

the reader's digest version

i haven't posted in awhile and i know you are itching to hear what is going on in my life! oh dear.

the Boy and i are no longer. it ended a couple of weeks ago although he did send me flowers on Valentine's. we haven't spoken since then (ooh, a whole week). but it really is over for me. i have no desire to be with him right now and perhaps ever. i hope he is doing well, though, as i would hate to think of him self-destructing.

the Office Crush - he's so cute. but i don't think he's very interested, at least not from what i can tell. granted, i'm not doing too much to show my interest but that's just me. i asked our receptionist to be honest with me and inquired as to whether she thought he was at all interested and she said no. i wasn't surprised. i am close to giving up but i know that once i do, that'll be it. the desire to be with him will have dissipated like dust in a rainstorm.

i am in the process of getting "pre-approved" for a mortgage. however, i'm still a little hesitant. while it makes sense for me to buy something over renting a place, it doesn't make sense if i can't scrape up a decent downpayment. and i can't. it's frustrating.

knitting is going well. i think this might be a hobby i actually keep up longer than the span of the lessons. it's cheaper than golfing, although less active and certainly less helpful at releasing any pent-up aggression. i guess it's the opposite - it's very relaxing and it is something i can really get into and while at the same time, tune everything out.

my focus right now is on becoming a better paralegal - my personality is such that i need to focus my attention on something. so, instead of my focus being on a boy or the next good sale at Old Navy, i think i'll concentrate on getting my career off the ground. then, perhaps, if i discover that i don't want to make appeal books and do dictations for the rest of my life, i might seriously consider studying for the LSAT.

the moment

my Office Crush and i shared a Moment today. ok, maybe he didn't think it was a Moment, but i sure did!

picture it - i was on a file hunt. i happened to walk passed an office he was standing in the doorway of (seriously, i wasn't stalking him...this time). as i passed, i heard him end his conversation and he started down the hallway, about three paces behind me. i could've stopped or slowed down but i played it cool (ok, i was giving mixed messages again but whatever). he started humming behind me (tee hee, that sounds dirty!) and i slowed down and as we got to the front of his office door, i turned toward him. he stopped right in front of me and we were in the "personal distance" zone - no more than 18" away from each other. i swear, for a split second, he sort of leaned into me (or was he adjusting the file in the crook of his arm?) and it looked like he wanted to kiss me. then i said, "you wouldn't happen to have the smith file in your office? maybe working with Bob on the CPL?" i can't remember what he asked me and i can't remember what i said in return but he was definitely flitting his gaze from my mouth to my eyes and back again (sooo glad i put on lipgloss after lunch!). turns out he didn't have the file and i think i might have started walking away first (or maybe he was trying to escape the uncomfortableness of our close proximity by backing into his office), and it was probably for the best because i was about to comment on his eyes and ask them whether they were blue or whether they were green (regardless, they are the color of the ocean and i could drown in them...OMG, could you BE any gaggier?)

sigh. if only...

distraction

why is it that the only way i am able to deal with the breakup of a relationship is to either work more or obsess about another guy? today, i did both.

there's a guy i work with and i've had an office-crush on him since about november. it increased exponentially when we did the annual Christmas skit together. now i'm in full-blown crush mode. i look up everytime he walks by my desk. i look at him everytime i walk by his. i'm starting to stop into his office to chat at least once a day. and (gawd help us all), i'm leaving candies on his desk when he's not looking. (i did this with dave, remember?) granted, he's been leaving stuff for me too, although whether that means he's interested in me or whether he's just returning the favor, i'm not sure.

he's got the most amazing smile that lights up his entire face. he's got these dark blue eyes that (i swear!) twinkle when he smiles. he wears some of the ugliest ties i've ever seen and shirts that have obviously been put on straight out of the laundry bag and doesn't think twice about it. when he sits at his desk and reads, he twirls his hair. he's got a wry sense of humor and he's always singing or whistling or humming. and he's got a really nice singing voice. sigh.

i know it's not going to happen, although i'd really like it to.

the other thing i've found myself doing lately is working more than i should. as in today, my boss left the office by 3:30, one of my other lawyers was out to the pub by 4:15 and I was still happily working away at 4:45. i probably would've kept working through had i not had dinner plans. i'm considering going to law school because i figure that, if i throw myself into that, i'll be so preoccupied with that work that i won't have to fret about being single anymore. i'll just dedicate my life to my work. at the moment, i'm totally okay with that. sick eh?

i always encourage people to deal with their emotions - don't deny yourself the right to feel what you're feeling. yet i do it all the time. pretend that i'm not lonely, that it doesn't hurt, that i'm happy with the way my life has turned out thus far ... i figure if i do this, then maybe all the self-doubt, self-pity and emptiness will all go away.

not so much. :)

the ol' knitting injury

i hurt myself knitting last night. don't laugh.

i have always wanted to learn how to knit - so much so that i bought a "beginners learn to knit kit" and tried to teach myself through the kit's instructional book, tiny pictures and all.

as luck would have it, my mom also wanted to learn how to knit but she was smart enough (and not as cheap as me) to sign up for knitting lessons. she went to her first class last week and e-mailed me the next day, asking me if i wanted to take over for her. her reasons for quitting were that: a) it was boring; and b) she got so tense making sure that she was using the proper technique that her shoulders tensed up and she needed a massage. i laughed at her.

i went to her second knitting class last night - loved it! by the end, i felt like a pro. this morning, i felt like i had whiplash. so much for laughing at my mom's "knitting injuries" - i had my own!

turns out that knitting involves a lot of looking down and thus, bending your neck. i have a bad neck (along with the traps and shoulders) from various car accidents (none were my fault!) and RSIs from working with computers and mice (mouses, if you will) all the time. i know better than to strain my right shoulder with an ill-placed mouse or my neck with a monitor that is set too low or too high. yet it really didn't occur to me that knitting might aggravate any of my pre-existing injuries (is that thin-skull or crumbling-skull? i could never figure out which was which). so, i didn't do any of my post-strain exercises or stretches (why would i? i was KNITTING for crying out loud!) and now, i suffer. i couldn't even get a massage appointment for tonight so i settled for one on thursday. my neck should be sufficiently worse by then, i think.

still, the urge to knit is overpowering....

ain't it funny

he phoned me today just to chat. when i phoned him back, he was watching basketball. so he chatted away, but whenever i wanted to say something or elaborate on something, he seemed to be more interested in what LeBron James was doing on the court than what i was saying on the other end of the phone. and then he phoned me again, this time to watch one of his favorite parts on this one episode of "Frasier". i swear, he was giggling away like a schoolgirl and i thought for sure i heard him pee his pants. the clip was funny - but it wasn't that funny.

then he asked me whether we were going to see each other this week and he told me to pick a day because i was "so busy". i told him that any night this week but monday worked for me. he proceeded to say that wednesday was the only night this week that he was available to see me. fuck off.

i needed this phone call. it reminded me that perhaps i was correct in keeping my distance in the first place.

dropping the f-bomb

what a fucking asshole. i realize he was just reacting to what i said in the e-mail but gawd, it didn't even make much sense. it makes it that much easier for me to deal with the end of the relationship. but some of the stuff that he accuses me of is the fucking pot calling the fucking kettle black. fuck you.

fuck you for acting like you cared about me. fuck you for making me believe that you saw your future with me. fuck you for being so fucking selfish - for knowing damn, fucking well that you weren't ready for a relationship but being fucking selfish enough to continue to date me anyway. fuck you for calling me a prude about sex - at least i can be spontaneous about it. fuck you for acting as though we had been together for years with your fucking pet names and your fucking weekends in. fuck you for saying that the way i chose to end it was immature - do you need me to forward the original e-mail you sent me that ended it the first time? fuck you for not even making enough fucking time to have a coffee with me so this might have ended civilly. fuck you for not trusting me, even though i had never given you any reason not to. fuck you and your fucking drunken way of dealing with shit you can't handle. fuck you for acting like you were the one who was making all of the sacrifices. fuck you for making me feel like i was being unreasonable. fuck you and your over-emotional, over-wrought reactions to just about fucking everything. fuck you for bringing more drama into my life than i ever wanted, wished for or imagined was available.

and finally, fuck you and your fucking football - i am sooo glad your team got spanked in the playoffs. the only thing that would've made it sweeter was if they had made it to the Superbowl and lost it in a final second heartbreaker...in overtime.

grow up, you fucking baby.

the straw

after much thought and hesitation and self-doubt and tears, i finally sent The E-mail to end it all...for now. and after i had sent it, this was the daily horoscope that popped into my inbox an hour later:

"Don't let an important relationship in your life unravel, especially when it's so easy to pick up the threads. A simple phone call or a short email exchange can go much further than you'd think."

i don't know how he'll react. i don't know if he'll try to contact me. i left the door open but i also made it clear that he wasn't currently offering me what i needed.

if i can make it through the next 72 hours without hearing from him, i think this one might stick.

fix-it

i want to be with him because i think i can "fix him". he's so broken. he's had a heckuva life. his past relationships have obviously made him suspicous and untrusting. so i think i've actually taken it upon myself to make him right again. i know that i'm the right person to do it and yet i also know that it's not my job to do it. he's been broken for 30+ years - what makes me think i can change things and make his life better in less than 6 months?

have i said that i know how wrong he is for me? that he's taken advantage of the way i am in relationships? that he's getting everything he needs from me but i'm getting nothing i need from him? that he's having his cake and eating it too?

i have said all of that? twice, you say? ok, just checking.

subconscious

i think i am subconsciously trying to sabotage this relationship. but, it can't be subconscious if i am conscious of it. i am so messed up.

i've been "distant" with him lately - his words, not mine. it's not advertent - i guess i've just been trying to keep busy. i resent the fact that he just doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me - more specifically, any one-on-one time. he told me today that he wanted to see me this wednesday and then when i asked him whether i'd see him this weekend, he told me friday night. i was really hoping to spend the weekend with him - i have the apartment, after all. but he doesn't seem to think along those lines. he cares more about how big the TV is in the apartment than the fact that we'll be alone. he won't watch here because the TV isn't big enough but he suggested that we go to my house to watch. huh? i know how important the playoffs are to him and i am perfectly happy watching the games with him. but he seems to be avoiding being alone with me. and avoiding introducing me to his friends. avoiding any real placement in his everyday life in general, actually.

i am beginning to think that, while he obviously does like me, he's just not as attracted to me as he'd like to think he is. seriously, i could walk around topless and he would tell me to put a shirt on. should i be flattered that he doesn't see me as just a sexual object? or should i be insulted? is it because he's older so his sex drive isn't as high? i don't understand.

and he had the nerve to say to me today that i always have issues about something when i got really pouty about not being able to see him this weekend. EXCUSE ME???

all the wrong places

why do i seek validation from men who are not worth my time? i was at a friend's birthday party tonight and was very much looking forward to going as i haven't been able to see this particular group of friends for awhile. unbeknownst to me, this guy i had asked out last year was there (i didn't expect him to be there because he's not really a friend of my friend). anyway, last year when i asked him out, he sounded interested in actually going out and he took my number. he never phoned me. soon after, i heard about what he was really like - not that he was a boy whose day job was being a lawyer nor that he was a player (he's both, actually). no, it was that his dream was to buy a warehouse, convert the top into a loft so he could live there, and make the bottom part a BMX track. he's 33. um, yeah.

anyway, he was sitting with my friend and they were looking cozy enough that people started asking whether they were dating. for a lark, i took their picture and they hammed it up - she looked embarrassed and he looked very comfortable. and all i could think was, "why didn't he call me? why isn't he falling all over me now? what the hell is wrong with him?"

it is still bugging me, even though i know he's not the one for me. maybe it's because he's really, really, really cute. hot, almost. i am so shallow. ;)

what i gotta do

i need to break up with him. it took a stranger who was scouting for potential "daters" for a TV show called "manhattan matchmaker" to really hammer it home how much i need to end this relationship. and not just because they won't let me on the show if i don't.

this relationship has been very bad for my self-esteem. it's taken me back to square one, where i thought i had left my old self behind. and now, she's back and getting walked on, all over again. it's not right.

i've already started dropping hints (although we know how good he is at picking them up). like when he complained today about how he hasn't seen me in a long time, i said, "well, if you had some time for me, you'd see me. i could've seen you tonight." and he said, "but the hockey game was on." and i said, "you could've asked me to watch it with you." and he said, "yeah, i guess so." talk about out of sight, out of mind.

i want so much for this to work but the fact remains that it isn't - at least not for me.

happy new year

i went to a NYE party last night at the Commodore with two couples and one of my girlfriends. i wasn't looking forward to it as i figured it would be a night of smoochy couples and drunken revelry. i was sort of wrong.

i had a great time; probably the best time i've had at new year's in a long time. everyone was drinking but me but no one was annoying. the two couples each had an agreement that they could each flirt with other people - just no kissing. apparently, that limitation didn't include anyone in the group. my two friends from work (my girlfriend and one of the guys in the couples) were grinding on the dancefloor, holding hands, stroking thighs, even kissing necks. it was a very odd thing for me to witness and, had i been drinking, i probably would've said something in jest. i was just so weirded out that i couldn't say anything. one of the other girls kept flashing people but she did have a nice rack and she was very sweet about it (as sweet as you can be when you are flashing bartenders for free drinks). it was a very interesting night. i managed to get home and in bed by 4 a.m. and i was awake and up and at 'em (as much as you can be at 'em on NYD Sunday).

as for my yearly resolutions, i don't really want to make any this year. i always make the same ones every year and they are ones i should live by everyday anyway so why bother making them? but i'd feel like it was bad luck to not make them... so, here they are:

1. Learn to knit;
2. Learn a new language;
3. Go somewhere different for my birthday this year (not just a new place in Mexico, either);
4. Live my life based on what I actually need and want and not by what other people tell me I need and want or what I think I need and want based on comparing myself to other people;
5. No More Drama.

okay, so i stuck in a couple of less frivolous ones. but in the next few weeks, more than ever, i need to be reminded of those ones especially.