i am love

while scrolling through my news feed on FB, i noticed a post from the Jason Mraz page that read, "And Now Back To Being In Love". of course, that got my attention.

i read the post and it introduced me to a book by Cafe Gratitude (the owners or something like that) about being love. not being in love, but being love itself. the book is called "Kindred Spirit: Fulfilling Love's Promise." it is a book-version of a relationship seminar that they offer at the cafe. their premise is that instead of waiting for love to come to us, that we should just be love itself. i was intrigued.

i read the page-excerpt from the book that was posted and, honestly, it sounded like a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo. but i think that between all of the airy-fairy sentiments, there is something there.

and, like Mraz says on his post, the idea of it comes from many major religions so it's not something that's new. but as i always say, the reminder is nice to have. "Be the change you want to see in the world" is one of my favorite quotes. perhaps the idea of being love is something that i need to integrate into my life. still waters run very deep with me, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let a ripple or two cut the smooth surface every now and then.

i went onto the Cafe Gratitude website and was poised to buy the book, but then saw a tote bag with the cafe's logo, "What are you grateful for?" printed on it, and i decided to buy that too. except i didn't know how big the bag was, so i emailed the store to see what the dimensions were. no point in buying it if it's too small to carry anything in, yes? so, my Cafe Gratitude shopping cart is sitting, waiting to hear back from the administrative office. ah, red tape.

anyway, the thought of the book inspired me (again) to start my 10 commandments for 2011. and during my annual viewing of "The Holiday", i had another inspired thought for a new project for the year (and possibly down the road, my book): "365 Day Hi". the play on words refers to the "high" you get from getting a smile or hello response from a stranger. i've decided that, come january 1, 2011, i am going to say hi or smile genuinely at a stranger everyday, and see what comes of it. lord knows i can expound on any experience i have, ad nauseum, so it shouldn't be hard to do a 1 or 2 page chapter on each day. i don't expect to be able to do it on all days next year, but i'm certainly going to try. it'll give me something to focus on, other than things that i focus on that i shouldn't focus on. ahem.

Benylin day

i woke up this morning and i wasn't feeling great. i could've gone to work and i could've made it through the day operating at about 55 to 60%. i even showered and had a nice breakfast. but as i sat on my bed, willing myself to get dressed, i remembered earlier this year when i forced myself to go to work, only to leave at 10:30. at that point, i decided to call in "crappy".

i emailed my lawyers and my admin and said i felt like crap but i'd be in tomorrow. i then called Sands and left her a voicemail on the general mailbox. and then i slept for another 3 hours.

i woke up feeling rested, but i was achy. not a good sign. i then got up, took an advil. things got better from there.

i checked my email and there were a few messages from work, mostly of the "feel better" kind. then i see BabyMan, who was not on the email i sent initially, had sent me a message that said, "Crush is not in either. This place is exploding with suggestions and innuendo."

i emailed him back, saying, "When he gets out of the shower, I’ll tell him." he didn't respond, but i'm sure i heard him laugh from here.

i slept more during the day and really, today's BD was the best thing i could've done for myself. i feel much better and i now feel like i can get through the next two weeks before i'm off. why other people don't do it, i'll never understand.

someone else gets it!

i'm skipping a choir concert this afternoon because i'm feeling run down and i have too much to do. so what do i do? a bunch of chores and now am surfing the internet whilst listening to (not watching) Disney's "Fantasia".

anyway, while on my favorite style blogger's website, i happened upon another website. i didn't think much of it when i linked to it - i figured it was just someone like me, pontificating about life and their philosopies on same.

i was right, but this woman has taken it to a new level - the public level. i read her post about finding your purpose, which we all know is my obsession in life, among other things.

it's not so much about what she wrote, it's more that she discussed "ego v. spirit", which is something i struggle with constantly. basically, you know you're capable of doing one thing, but you're "stuck" doing something else that brings you a certain level of satisfaction (perhaps a great level of satisfaction). your ego tells you, "there's more to life than this!" and even though you're happy with where you are or with what you're doing or with who you have become, your ego knocks you off balance and makes you think you're still a long way from success.

but whose idea of success? yours? your parents'? your friends'? society's? in that post, she encourages her readers to be patient and to have faith that the trajectory of our lives is what we set it on, and not what other people want it set on. it's not about sitting back and seeing how things go but rather, that if you continue on with what brings you joy and what makes you feel fulfilled, that your ideal life (i.e. not someone else's version of ideal) will unfold before you.

it's not something i didn't know before, but it's nice to be reminded, not just for my own life, but to remind me that other peoples' lives are products of their own hopes, wishes and ideas. just because someone isn't living the life i would lead or do lead, doesn't mean they're not living a full life, which means i don't have any right to try to change it. i may have an opinion (and as i get older and more comfortable with who i have become, i have a lot of opinions), but it doesn't mean it's transferrable to someone else's life.

ego-check.

filter

as i get older, larger holes appear in the filter on my mouth that prevents things that i will regret saying from coming out.

Crush's first day back from his training course was today. i'll admit - i was excited but trying to be cool and aloof. by 8:45 he was at my desk for a candy. the first thing he said was, "Exams suck." i asked him how things went and he repeated his initial statement. i then decided to up the teasing and asked him whether he had to take any of the remedial classes.

he smiled and said, "not for a couple of weeks, anyway." and then went on to say how stressful it was to be waiting for his marks to find out whether he passed. and this is when it all flashed before me - that little being that sits on your shoulder (or, in this specific instance, the little being that was perched atop his shaved, pre-maturely bald head) and whispers, "no, don't say that. don't...wait, don't!" as i was saying it, i knew i shouldn't, but i did anyway:

"well, at least you can't lose anymore hair." oh.no.you.did.nt.

he smiled (only slightly) and said, "ouch." i relayed the story to BabyMan, who promptly shook his bowed head and said, "no, no! you're supposed to be showering him with compliments and blinking a lot!"

despite the slight, Crush still came to see me twice afterwards - once when he came back to the office on a lunch break and once after he returned from court for the day. he couldn't have been that offended. but i am placing the filter on hypersort for the next little while, anyway.

food

the thing about eating healthier? all i think about is food.

on thursday, day six of my staycation and for the SECOND time in six days, i ate an entire bag of old dutch ketchup chips (the 225 g bag) in one sitting. two things occurred to me, as i licked that delicious, tangy, red chemical-seasoning off my fingers:

a) i am obviously having some undiscovered issues that i'm dealing with by eating; and
b) it's time to start being accountable for my eating habits again.

so, i counted my calories for thursday and did the initial weigh-in and measurements. i've gained 7 lbs since january, although my measurements haven't changed too much.

i've been pretty good about not bingeing, although that half-eaten bag of ketchup chips that still in the cupboard was calling me today. i staved off the craving by munching on chocolate-covered macadamia nuts (only 4 - that's 98 calories - oh, god, i'm becoming one of Those People).

i've also been doing TV exercises - a mixed-bag of weights, yoga, cardio and boxing. not all at the same time.

all i really want to do is melt off some of the fat i've gained in the mid-section. the reason i got the stupid navel ring was so that i could keep myself in check. after all, a navel ring isn't sexy if it's trapped in between layers of stomach fat. oh, i just shuddered at the mental picture.

my other motivation? the sexy dress i got for the Christmas party this year. it'll be hard to act like Crush should be eating his heart out when i'm too busy eating everyone's leftovers and wishing i had worn a empire-waist dress instead of a sheath cut.

time to count today's TCI.

ire

i have this week off. when i was chatting with Bertrand at after work drinks on friday and mentioned i took this week off, he said, "of course you do. there's a stat holiday right in the middle." it's sweet he remembers my penchant for taking holidays around stat holidays so i get more bang for my buck, so to speak.

my plan this week was to get out and be a tourist in my own town and maybe do a day trip to another town here and there. i was going to see the botanical gardens at UBC, visit the suspension bridge, check out the exhibit at the museum, get a mani/pedi. so far, i went shopping at bellis and that's about it. my secondary plan, should the weather not cooperate, was to finally clean out the den and toss/recycle/donate a bunch of stuff. so far, i've managed to vet my closet, but i've been doing that slowly over the past few months. i took four huge bags of clothes to drop off at the donation bin and i still have a closet and drawers full of stuff.

my den. oh my den. when i look at it, i can see that it's easy enough to just put stuff away where it's supposed to be, or put stuff in storage. i know the desk needs to be cleaned and things need to be thrown away. i've already determined i'm going to donate a lot of my text books (novels) that i've been holding onto so that when i finally have bookshelves, i can line them with books that make me look smarter than i am (they're all paperbacks anyway. that doesn't say smart.). i was even smart enough not to think i'd even get to painting it (i'm hoping that gets done during my two weeks off at Christmas and new years). so what am i doing, blogging about it?

i'm not angry enough to throw anything out. i need to be upset or angry or feel hopeless about something. then i don't hesitate. everything just gets tossed out and i never think about it again (except my old cassette tapes. i just saw something on etsy.com where a girl re-fashions cassette tape cases into business card holders. i could do that for my desk!). right now, i'm feeling good and relaxed which means when i try to clean, i just look at stuff and reminisce. instead of tossing out clothes, i try them on and either think about how the me now measures up (literally and figuratively) to the me when i bought it the first time or i try to think of ways to refashion it so i can use it now. then i start trying on outfits and all of a sudden, three hours have passed and all i've done is parade around in high heels and an array of old clothes that should be donated but "i could still wear". yes, i could still wear it, but why would i when i can just go out and buy new things?

so then i think i should put on some good music to motivate me, but then i spend an hour doing bad mariah carey impressions (think finger to one ear and a waving stop with the other) and re-living my bar star days with the one-person dance party.

as you can tell, i'm procrastinating.

games

if i had to base my future interactions with men on what i've read on askmen.com, i'd be screwed. everything i've read on that site so far is exactly the opposite of what i've been lead to believe. by whom, i can't remember.

i was reading a couple of the "Top 10" lists on the site, both having to do with how guys should meet women or get a woman to notice him. the lists encouraged men to try to stand out from the crowd, but they also encouraged them to not show they were too interested. "it's even more important to give the impression you're too busy to even care if she (texts) you back. Plus, when you lie back and stay cool, she’ll assume you're busy with other women."

they want to drive us crazy! they're not just being thoughtless guys; they're playing the game! now, granted, some guys really are just thoughtless guys, but this site, these lists, these advice columns written by guys for guys, are all throwing everything i thought true about men and relationships in the toilet.

this requires a complete overhaul of my game plan, for Crush and in general. it turns out that men actually may be thinking about the whole process of dating more than i thought.

oh the humanity!

four-leaf jasmine?

i am lucky. i usually get pretty darn good parking spaces. i always seem to find great deals on clothes and shoes. i manage to make the best out of f-ups i make at work and in fact, make it look like i pulled a rabbit out of the proverbial hat at the last minute. i was always a "B" student, regardless of how hard, or how little, i tried at school. things have generally come easy for me, and i'm thankful for that.

but i think my luck has run out. this past weekend, i had to trim down my beloved jasmine plant yet again. i went 10 days without watering it, which is not something i've never done before. sometimes i overwater and that's not good for her either. but this time, for some reason, she decided she wasn't going to make it easy for me to revive her.

she's trimmed to the bare twigs and it's not looking promising. the bottom twigs are brown, not green, so those are basically just tubes for transporting nutrients further up the way. but there isn't a lot of green to be seen right now, and i don't think the tide will turn in my favour.

it was a $7.00 plant - i got it at home depot on the clearance rack. it was just a small plant, but it managed to bloom again this summer, there was an abundance of the fragrant, little white flowers this summer. that might be the last for awhile.

just a reminder that i should never just rely on my luck to get me by in life - that life requires active participation and nurturing in order to flourish. as far as reminders go, i think i'd rather lose a plant than lose something else.

3 times

on tuesday, i was sitting at my desk at about 8:30, just getting into my day and i felt a presence walk behind me. i looked up into the glass of the picture beside me and saw Crush. before i had time to rub my eyes and ensure i was not seeing things, he said, "hey."

i turned around to face him in total surprise and said, "what are you doing here? don't you have class this morning?" and he said, as he rounded my corner to stand in front of me, "yeah, but i had to get some research." i asked him how things were going and he said he hated it. he gave a brief account of how he had gotten into some "interesting" arguments with his groupmates and i said mockingly, "well, at least you're making friends." he replied with, "apparently i don't like to be wrong..." i then wished him a good day and he walked off.

he hadn't been by since a couple of weeks ago when he had to change into his suit for one of his oral exams. i made a concerted effort since then not to contact him on FB, and began to get used to not seeing him everyday. in fact, the last day i saw him a couple of weeks ago, i had met a couple of my single girlfriends for dinner that night and they convinced me that he was totally playing me. i knew they were wrong, as he really is too thick to be that clever, but i knew they were right when they said i had to move the candy dish to spot on my desk where, if he happened to come by and get candy, i wouldn't have to face him. so i did.

fast forward to yesterday. again, sitting at my desk in the afternoon, working away, and i look up at the glass in the picture again and i see Crush. says he's returning a book he borrowed the other day to finish his paper. i think that's a fair excuse, no?

when he was in yesterday, Sands invited him to the lawyers' appreciation lunch that happened today. he said he likely wouldn't be able to make it but he'd try. he didn't make it. but come 5:15 pm when the after-work drinks group is breaking up and some people are starting to leave, who do i hear in the kitchen? Crush. he didn't come in to say hi, but i poked my head in his door to see if he was there but he was nose-deep in a book. i decided to wait and see whether he'd come find me.

i was one of the last people to leave tonight. i made sure that i bid a loud adieu in the main hallway to a couple of people that left before me, so that Crush would likely hear me. i went to grab my stuff and log off my computer. five minutes later as i am about to walk through the library to get to the elevators, guess who's standing there, reading a book.

i feign surprise, and stop on the other side of the table from him. i ask him what he's doing there and he says he's doing research for a paper he has to finish by monday. i would have thought nothing of it until he said, "yeah, i decided to do my research here so i could avoid signing in at the law library." really? that's the only reason why? come on! we chat a bit more, make a couple of eyes at each other, and i even managed a flirty-flirty smack on the hand and a "shut up!" when he said that the only reason people were crying during my speech was because i was making them sit through a speech. (NB they weren't actually crying. i just told him they were because it was a damn good speech)

maybe this ignoring thing is working. or maybe he really is just doing research. time will tell.

what to do?

i need new friends. except, the new friends i do have aren't as fun as my "old" friends so i don't like to go out with them as much. but my old friends don't like to go out, period. what's a girl to do?

i don't think it's that they don't want to go out. i think it's more that as adults, we just have so much more on our plate than we did ten years ago. but does everything have to centre around going for coffee/dinner/drinks? can't we head to a football game between our rival universities? get together for game night? bake cookies?

okay, i don't really know what girlfriends are supposed to do now that we're passed the bar stage. i have one girlfriend who spends her free time looking at condos. another who's just starting up a new relationship. a third who is studying for a big qualifying exam so doesn't have a lot of free time and when she does, she has a lot of other friends she spends that time with.

i miss having a best friend. i don't think i've really had one since i was in elementary school. i've have close friends, partners-in-crime, girlfriends, etc. but not a best friend. no one i feel the need to talk to every single day. no one i feel i need to share every single piece of news with. actually, i guess the last best friend i had, by the above-definition, was the Ex. that was still 9 years ago.

perhaps i've just turned so far in that i don't know how to turn out again. i sometimes feel like when i talk or tell people stories or share news, that they're only half listening. i sometimes think it's the way i relate information - maybe i spend too much time setting up the story so by the time i get to the meat of it, no one cares anymore. i don't know. but it's gotten to the point where i just don't bother talking about everyday news. it has to be news or information that is really eating at me to be worthy of sharing. and then, i over-share and over-analyze. no happy medium.

i also considered, and was one click away from paying for, another session of speed-dating. it is to happen tomorrow and it's only $20. i figure i'd like to get out and just date, seeing as my friends need 4 - 6 weeks notice to plan anything as organized as a dinner or movie (not that we go to movies either). the age range was 25 - 35, and i realized that i was on the other end of that scale. i would have signed up, but something was nagging at me inside to just leave it for now.

i guess i'll just have to start my smile campaign again. maybe this time it'll get me somewhere.

hopeless

the title of this post is a lot less happy than i'd like it to be, but it's how i'm feeling. but not in a bad way. or at least, not in a way that is making me feel bad.

i had a complete and utter meltdown on friday night. have i said that recently? anyway, i was out walking the Lunatic at about 11:30 and was feeling like i was going to cry. like, sob. and not in a hormonal way. so, we took the elevator up from the basement and, because it was 11:30 on a friday night, i felt it should be safe to let one or two tears fall. after all, the elevator is about 50 feet from my front door. who was going to be in the hallway?

of course, my next-door neighbour, and the only male on my side of the floor, was just coming out of his door just as we were walking down the hall and my tears started to flow a little more freely. he always does this cute wave at me, and he didn't disappoint on friday night. i don't think he noticed i was crying. i tried to wipe away as many of the more-than-two tears that fell before he turned to look at me and he was walking in the other direction, down the other set of stairs, so he didn't have to walk right by me to see me. i managed a weak, "hey," to counter his cute-wave, and then ducked into my apartment.

and then i lost it. it was a mixture of grief and disappointment and anger and hopelessness. not a lot of positive feelings. but it was a good cry. and a long cry. and it hurt. but it's one of those cries you have when you are completely honest with yourself. and i was, for once. a rarity, but it does happen every now and then.

i am introspective - we all know this. so i know in my head that the way things happen in life aren't the way things are actually happening. like, objects in the rear-view mirror are not as close as they seem. but it takes a long, long time for that knowledge to reach and be understood and accepted by my heart.

i knew Crush wasn't going to do anything to keep in touch while he was gone for these ten weeks. i *knew* that. i *KNEW* that. but my heart hoped. and it wished. and it prayed that he would keep in touch. and for the first week and a half, he did. but then he stopped. and i told everyone i had given up. but i hadn't. and i knew i couldn't. and i didn't. and i continued to hope.

well, all hope flowed out of my heart and through my eyes in the form of a waterfall of tears on friday and now, i know. and i feel. and i get it. it doesn't make it any less sucky, but at least i feel it now.

the myers-briggs type indicator has always classified me as a "feeler" and not a "thinker", although everytime i've taken the test, i think they've both been pretty close in score (unlike my introversion v. extraversion, which is always heavily sided towards ... you guessed it, introversion). it's not like there is a disconnect between my head and my heart - there's just a slower connection. like, my head is working on a super-DSL and my heart is connected to it via dial-up rotary phone. eventually the two connect, just not at the same time.

am i feeling better about Crush and the hopelessness of the situation? yes, but only because i will drive myself crazy if i don't.

incidentally, a blast from the past friended and emailed me on FB last week. Casanova, whose comments about my blog prompted me to start this new, more "unsearchable" one, basically felt i was too much of a headcase and decided he didn't want to continue to see me (we had gone out on about three or four dates). that was the pot calling the kettle black, if i ever met a kettle. he had problems with everything to do with me - i didn't drink, i lived at home, i overthought everything, i didn't live in the city, i posted my thoughts on a blog.

i had a problem that he never kissed me, and then blamed me for it. headcase indeed.

anyway, i check my email last wednesday and who should send me a message but Casanova. i didn't prompt it and was shocked by it. okay, not shocked, but definitely surprised. basically, he said i had just "popped into his head" and he decided to say hi. really? after five years?

i relayed the story to BabyMan and he immediately gasped, "he wants you back! don't screw this up."

i will not overthink this one. but if he really did just want to say hi, why did he ask to be a friend too? and, a whole six minutes after he sent me the message [cue dramatic music]. oh stop.

anyway, i asked him how things were and what was new and he mentioned, in this order: his new dog, work, martial status and parental status. i thought that was really interesting, from a psychological and sociological standpoint. i would have gone with: work, home ownership, friend activities, and then martial status. i wouldn't even mention kids, furry or otherwise. interesting what people find important and how they classify their lives, eh?

oh, and in case you were wondering, it's hopeless with him too. "hopeless" is my new "fugetaboutit".

personal consultant

i went to see another "personal consultant" (read: psychic) on saturday. the whole experience made me re-think the whole psychic thing.

i mean, yeah, she was pretty accurate about a few things...many things...most things...and her specific predictions were almost identical to the ones from the first "personal consultant", so it's kind of eerie that way. but at the same time, why do most women seek psychic advice? to find out about a guy.

her read on Crush was fairly accurate, as far as i know. but her advice was right out the pages of a dating guide (as was the first psychic's): step back and let him come to you.

she basically said to give him five more months (he's a number 5). she says he's not sure how he feels about me: one minute he likes me and the next, he's not sure. she told me to be careful about sleeping with him, because he'd get me pregnant (she said i'd have four kids, as opposed to the zero the other PC said, which was basically the only thing that differed in their readings). she also says there were two women in his past that really messed him up and that's why he's so hesitant to start something with me. in my own assessment, i think his last girlfriend was really, really critical of him. when we first started talking (you know, when we could talk freely about everything and not just work, work, work), i was nitpicking about something trivial and he said to me, jokingly but in a way that made it stick in my head, "you're so critical! just let it be!" dollars to donuts, that's what his fear is - that i'll nitpick him to death.

further, in 6 - 8 months, i'll randomly bump into a tall, blond, hazel-eyed foreign transplant. he'll have moved here from back east, but originally be from europe. apparently if i choose this guy, things will go really smoothly with him (i.e. no guessing games with him) and i'll have to move to europe to live with him. oh choices.

the other PC saw another guy coming too. she gave no details about him, just that another one was coming on the heels of Crush. sounds like i have an interesting spring lined up.

you again?

Sands and Fry were discussing how Crush is the only student in the firm's history of articled students that has come back to visit...every day since he's been gone (okay, that's three days). Sands said to me with a knowing look, "i think we all know why..."

i said, "i wish, but he has to finish a memo for the Ninja and he hasn't gotten through it yet." she looked very disappointed.

this morning, i said to her, "okay, so he's apparently finished the memo. if he comes back today, then i guess we know why."

this afternoon, as i was taking a break from my otherwise crazy hectic day, i was standing at reception with Sands and the elevator door opens. "hi Crush!" Sands says. and then gave me a knowing look.

i stood with him to chat and asked him about his day. he said he had finished his memo at 11 pm last night. i read it - he used a case i found for him. i know it sounds weird, but i was flattered he used it. he could've found something just like it, or could've left it out entirely, but he chose to use it. i don't know about you, but i feel it shows he respects me on an intellectual level. that's a good feeling. kinda like gilbert liking anne better than josie pye.

he came by to see me once, and then i bumped into him in the kitchen before i left. i didn't go to his office to say goodbye to him, and i felt indifferent about that. he won't be in tomorrow. he's having drinks with his group from school - a bonding thing.

acceptance

i think i went through all the stages of grief in one day.

okay, so Crush was at work again today, wearing a paper-thin black sweater that clung in all the right ways. and he was unshaven. and he didn't ask me about how my weekend was, even though i asked (and he told me) how his was.

and then, it finally... FINALLY! ... sunk in. i can finally move on.

but i can still admire the view. i just won't fantasize that it'll be MY view anymore.

detox

i was supposed to see him today at work. he said he'd likely be in, but he wasn't. he starts PLTC tomorrow and will be out of the office for the next 10 weeks. provided he doesn't attend the firm BBQ on the 24th or the mixer on he 30th, i guess the Crush-Detox starts now.

dancing fool

i went out dancing with a friend last night. she's new to the city and so it was easy to suggest places to go. she's just 30 this year, but still likes to go out dancing, so i figured she'll be the one i go to when my other friends fail me (which they always do).

we went to Cinema, which is part of the Donnelly Pub Group so i basically knew what to expect. i knew it would likely be a younger crowd and truly, i may have been the oldest patron there. i couldn't sing along to any of the songs (and what's to sing along to? they play 60 seconds of a song and then they remix something else in. what's up with that?), i wasn't falling over drunk at 11:00 p.m. (really? that's pretty early, kids), and i didn't have my smartphone in my hand, checking for texts and BBMs while i was dancing (again, really? is your attention span that short that you can't even enjoy a few minutes of dancing without getting updates from your friends at another club?). we lasted until 1:30 and then it was time to go.

at the start of the night, Nia suggested we should try a different club every week until we find one that suits us. but even as we walked back to her place, she said, "are there any clubs that have people more our age?"

the worst part is, i've never had much patience for the club-going crowd, even when i was young enough to be part of it. now that i'm ... gulp ... 8 years older than when i last went to clubs on a regular basis, i have less patience but am far more amused at the things that go on. the hook-ups, the girl drama, the guy bravado... all the same, but with different players and in a different decade. oy.

and my feet still hurt, all the way home. some things really do never change.

Poem: La Lune

Luminescent orb
Suspended in an inky-black sky
I’m in awe of your splendor
Simple and yet breathtaking
Where will you be tomorrow?
Peeking through the trees,
Hanging weightless above the water
Shining rays through my window as I welcome sleep.

In the morning, you’ll have faded
Against the backdrop of a new day.
Peering through the curtains
I can still see your outline
As you slowly descend into the west
Biding your time before it’s your turn again
Strong and silent, but beautiful to behold

growing up

i decided to do a bit of FB stalking and searched the Ex's name. i was expecting to see another photo of him kayaking or hiking. instead, i see his face, staring into the camera with a look of awe mixed with abject fear, holding a newborn baby.

growing up. crazy.

wrong!

maybe it's because i'm 2 days away from my monthly visitor, but i'm feeling particularly glum today. here's the background:

yesterday, i had a particularly inspired idea to e-mail Crush on FB and ask him to go to the Fair. at 2pm, i did so. at 4pm, i headed out to meet another friend, not having heard from him. when i got home at 8:30, i had an e-mail from him from 4:45, saying he probably wouldn't be able to make it out now as he was at his parents. he then asked if i ended up going. i said yes, and then, taking the opportunity, i said if he felt like going with me on tuesday, i could get him in for $5.00 because my credit union was sponsoring the day. or, i continued, i was going to ask him to go to a movie in the park on friday and gave him the link. did i mention my e-mail subject was "i don't have your number..."? guess what? i still don't.

he only came to see me once today and granted, it may have been because he was actually working, but the Cougar reported that he had come to talk to her about three or four times that day so i think i'm being avoided.

just for fun and because i'm a glutton for punishment, i popped by his office before i left for the day. i asked him how his weekend was and he proceeded to tell me about it in detail. he stayed in on saturday and just watched a movie (Shawshank!). it occurred to me that his low-key weekend could have been spent with a new lady friend. i have zero evidence of this, but you know how my mind runs.

i spent the rest of the afternoon on my ride home thinking about why i was feeling bad. i didn't feel bad about the invitations to do things (although, i guess three invites in one night may have been a bit much, granted). and when he came by to see me, someone else muscled their way in to tell me something sort-of work related (you'd think she'd see him there and take a hint, but nooooooo) and so he left and never returned. i never did see him wandering around the office, so perhaps he really was busy.

and then it occurred to me - i'm feeling bad because i was wrong, and i hate being wrong. i was wrong about who he was and how he felt about me. i was wrong to project what i wanted him to be on him and then get miffed because he wasn't behaving the way i wanted him to. i was wrong to have any expectations that things would work out in my favor, or any expectations at all. i was wrong to have jumped the gun, once again, and asked him out when i said i was going to at least wait until he left for PLTC before i made a final move. i hate being wrong!!! it sucks.

and now, i am feeling blue that i have to let this go so early on in my pursuit. you know me - i can't give up anything until i've thrown everything i have at it but i feel i have to now.

not that he isn't a great person but logically, he has made zero effort to ask me to do anything. i need someone with bigger cohones, you know? it may just be because he's shy but i don't think i can risk it. no, the next effort will have to be his if this infatuation is to continue. i shall not write further about it until he makes a step (i'll take any sized step too, but it has to be a step in my direction this time).

and BTW, why is he assuming i want to date him? maybe i just want to be friends. (yes, i'm assuming that he's assuming that i want to date him. i guess that makes asses out of both of us.).

up the river

i think i got sold up the river today.

yesterday, our accountant, whose office i sit outside of, was chatting with me about something or other and managed to ask me how i felt about Crush hanging out around my desk and we ended up talking about how he was so hard to read and blah blah blah. i figured it wouldn't make a difference if one other person other than Sands and BabyMan knew about it.

this afternoon, i was walking down the hall and Sands mouths to me, "call me!" i get back to my desk and phone her and she says, "Scrooge just told me he walked into Crush's office and said, 'i have it on good authority that if you were to ask CG out on a date, she'd say yes.'" i burst out laughing.

about an hour later, BabyMan phones me and says, "are you holding out on me?" i immediately hung up the phone, marched into his office and closed the door. we spent five minutes going back and forth saying, "you tell me what you know and i'll tell you what i know." we determined we knew the same thing. the only thing he's holding out on is what Crush's response was. although, he was awfully smiley so it was probably favourable. granted, why would Crush tell Scrooge what his plans were?

and now, i feel really bad. i mean, i didn't ask to be fodder but i can take the teasing. Crush, however, he didn't ask for this. okay, well, he does hang out at my desk an awful lot but he doesn't deserve actual advice.

don't get me wrong - i'm not embarrassed about it. i was going to lay all the cards out on the table, remember? someone else just stole my deck and laid them out for me, that's all.

i guess we'll see what happens.

whoa, nellie!

as in, "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair." does anyone actually believe me when i say that?

okay, i need to wash that man right out of my hair, that man being Crush. the wondering, the waiting, the looks, the hoping...it's slowly killing me. you know how i get. for the past week, i've been living in my head, which is a terrible place to be. i become this melancholy, sullen, unconsolable shell of a person and i hate that. i don't want to be that. i spent a good part of my 20s like that. my 30s are supposed to be better than that.

BabyMan brought up a good point the other day when he was really trying to make me feel better and encourage me. Crush is on a year-long interview - it wouldn't do for him to start dating one of the staff while he's trying to land himself a job. for this alone, i feel bad for even trying. granted, i do just want to start with being friends first but unfortunately, it doesn't ever seem to work that way.

he turned 30 on tuesday and, true to form, i couldn't resist myself. i put together a party hat, a birthday blower, a list of 30 quotes about turning 30, a flower necklace and a slice of cake with a 30th birthday candle and put it into a box labelled, "DIY Birthday-in-a-Box". i got to work at 7:30 to put all of these things together (i had to format the quotes and then put together the description of the items in the box). that's saying something, since these days i can't get myself to work by my required 8:00 am. i described each item and it's use (ex. "Chocolate cake - standard fare. Sharing is optional.") and when i got to the flower necklace, which i saved for last, i said, "Flower necklace - because I think everyone should get 'lei-d' on their birthday (although if you actually do, please don't tell me. it'd break my heart!"). oh yeah. i said it.

he was appropriately appreciative (i wish i could've seen his face when he walked into his office and saw it), and the next day, i noticed he had displayed the stuff i gave him around his office. the flower lei, i discovered, hangs on the knob behind his door. i thought that was cute.

but he's either been busy with work (shock and nerve!) or he's feeling like he needs to back off or something because this week, after the show, he hasn't been coming around as much. i miss him. i've been falling asleep at my desk because of the tedium!

he leaves for PLTC as of sept 13th. maybe the 10 weeks is what i need to just get over this infatuation. it's not like we can do anything about it right now. and maybe he doesn't want to. maybe he likes me but not enough to do anything about it. and what does that mean? he's just not that into me.

undaunted

i feel strangely undaunted by the events of this evening. Crush's friend ended up coming to the show. he had phoned me and said he'd be leaving the office at about 6:30 or 7 and would be walking to the venue. i told him my plan was to park near the office and take the bus down but if i got there before he left, i would walk with him.

when i got to the office, i was just about to push the elevator button when one opened. out Crush came. i went in the elevator and he told me that he was going to meet his friend. i said i would meet him at the venue. that was my first "huh." of the night.

i ended up taking the bus to the venue just because it'd be faster and lord help me if i ended up walking behind them. i was seated for about 10 minutes and they arrived. she was adorable. dark, almost black hair and turquoise blue eyes. cute as a button and nice. he sat in between us and she and i ended up chatting over him. they chatted, he and i chatted, she and i chatted. if i were assessing the situation, i would have to say that he did make an effort to include me in conversation. i would put in my two bits in their conversations but basically, i felt like someone who ended up sitting beside two people who knew each other.

during intermission, i had to go to the loo. she got up to get food and asked him if he was going to stay there. he said he'd go walk around. he walked ahead and she and i chatted about feeling old (because the average age of the musical's cast was probably 20). i branched off and braved the port-o-potties and met them back at the seats.

when the show was over, all three of us got up to leave and they led the way. she looked like she was making an effort to walk ahead of us and he looked like he was torn between hanging back to walk with me and walk up with her. second "huh." of the night.

when we got to the top exit, they looked like they were heading towards the road. i said, "are you guys gonna walk back?" and she said, "i'm going to," and she looked at Crush, who asked me if i drove. i told him i parked by the office and i said i'd just take the bus back. the girl gave me a look, almost imploring ("huh." #3) but i said that it was already 10 and the bus would get me back faster than walking. i told her it was nice to meet her and i am quite certain i saluted him and said, "see you tomorrow." i don't have a poker face and i'm not sure what look i gave him but that was the end of the night.

and yet, despite how nutso i was yesterday (and this morning, to be honest), i don't feel like this has been a set-back at all. i just shows me that i need to step back and he needs to man up. he's interested in me - i'd bet money on it - and for me to say that, you know it's obvious, but thus far, it's been me prodding him along. i will take my psychic's advice (and the advice of all of my girls so far) and now that this night is done, leave it up to him to make the next move.

as far as i can analyze, i don't feel i did anything improper tonight, as in i don't feel like i was being sulky in not being with him, if that makes any sense. his intention was to take this girl and his brother's girlfriend to the show. the latter bowed out and i bought the ticket from him. his objective wasn't to go to the show with me, and by not even suggesting that we walk together or pick up his friend together and then all walk there, says to me that he didn't see this evening as us going to the show together. he saw it as him going to the show with is friend and that i would be there too. i was pleasant and chatty but i didn't try to insert myself between them because i didn't feel i was "with" them. i was a third wheel, but it's okay. truly.

i am now very glad i left my business card for our cute server this morning. haven't done that in a long time but he, he hugged me and told me he loved me. he deserved it. :)

out of my head

i feel like a complete lunatic right now. i am going out of my head and it's all my fault! again! you think by now, i would have learned my lesson about obsessing and over-thinking and over-anticipating but nooooo...

Crush and i are going out tomorrow. not on a date. he had an extra ticket to see an outdoor show tomorrow night and it was one i really wanted to see so i offered to buy it from him. we had talked about this show over lunch one day. he had mentioned he was online looking at tickets and i mentioned that i wanted to see it and asked him who he was going with. he told me but of course, didn't ask me to go. clueless boys.

fast forward about an hour later and he's at my desk (of course), telling me that he bought the tickets but then was advised by his intended invitees that they weren't available on the date he chose. i didn't invite myself. not yet.

a couple of days later, he brings up the show again and says that he won't bother going and that he'll just give the tickets away or something. i should've said, "i'll go with you," but instead wanted to make it seem like i wasn't trying to snag a date with him (dumbass), and said i would buy one of the tickets from him. luckily, he intimated that this meant i wanted to go with him and not just save myself the trouble of going online to buy a ticket for myself. phew.

before i left for the day yesterday, i wrote my phone number on a post-it note and bravely walked into his office, handed it to him and said, "in case you need to call...or, if you want to go for a drink beforehand or something...." he took it and said he'd likely be at the office for the day but said he'd call me.

at 9:30 that night, he sent me a friend request on FB. i don't know why he waited until now, but he did. i accepted it this morning and i spent most of my day looking through his pictures. getting him into my head. crafting scenarios (the best one - parking my car downtown and taking the bus into Stanley Park. then when it's time to leave, he'll say, "where'd you park?" and i'll say, "at the IGA - i didn't want to try to find parking here." and he'll say, "do you want to walk together then?" and I'll say, "why yes, on this lovely, moonlit night, i'd love to walk with you." and then we'd amble our way through the downtown core to my car, talking about the show and life. crud. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccckk.

and now, i'm feeling completely wild. i have butterflies both in my stomach and they're currently travelling up my throat, and it's more than 18 hours until i'm to see him. we're not even going together to the show - i think i'm just meeting him there, if he even goes! oy. i so want this to be a date but it isn't. cripes, there may even be someone else with us and then i'll be the third wheel. wheeeeee! argh. ARGH!!!!

this is why i don't date. i like him too much. i know how i am. if this doesn't go well, i'll be miserable. work will be unbearable. he'll end up dating someone else and i'll be maniacal. insane with jealousy and regret.

someone should just commit me now and save us all the trouble. argh. i feel physically ill now - can you imagine if it were an actual date?

on the upside, i may be tortured enough to start writing again. look on the bright side of life, yes?

read handed

wandering around the Penticton Farmers' Market, A and I happened upon a palm reader. after my experience with a tarot card reader in Victoria, i was very skeptical and didn't want to fork over $17 (it was one read for $20 or two reads for $35). but A had never had her palms read and, since she's actually more frugal than i am, the fact that she was willing to pay the $17 meant that she really wanted to do it. so we did.

and suzie (a delightful but apparently deodorant-challenged Hungarian palm-reader) was nearly bang on. she read my palms and said that i was wasting my creative talents by not doing anything with them. she said that i was the type to hold a grudge and wallow in it. she said that i grew attached to people easily and that it was hard for me to say goodbye if and when the time came. and she said that although i could be a laid-back person, i tended to let things build up until i exploded. in fact, i believe her exact words were, "you're an aggressive person." i laughed until she explained herself, and then i realized she was right. she described me as someone not to be crossed because when i finally lose it, it's going to be big and there will be carnage. okay, not exactly in those words but that was the gist. and she said i was wasting my creative talent, did i mention that? she did. about 20 times. i think it's time for me to start taking my art seriously again. whatever my art is.

she suggested that i scan my palms and then when the lines change, it's time to get them read again. did you know they change? and that the left hand (or your less dominant hand) represents your potential and the other hand represents you, now?

tomorrow, i see the psychic again. it's a spiritual kind of week.

gifts from heaven

my Lola passed away at 05:40 on sunday morning, a few day shy of her 90th birthday. i can't remember if i wrote about it before, but she had suffered a stroke between Christmas and boxing day past, and hasn't been the same since. she was basically in palliative care for the first few days. they even brought in the priest to administer last rites. but she hung on. stubbornness isn't just on one side of my family.

last week, my mom said she took a turn for the worst. i don't know about you, but i don't know how much worse you can get if you're already hooked up to a catheter, feeding tube and morphine 24/7. and then she stabilized. a fighter.

i think she was tired of fighting, because she left us for greener pastures, higher plains, a better place, whatever you want to call it. she decided she was ready.

my mom phoned me at 6 a.m. i've never had a call at 6 a.m. before, so i basically knew that it was bad news. i wasn't surprised and i didn't feel sad. i was relieved that she wasn't suffering anymore. i got up and sat on the couch and started to watch the news. and then i started to cry.

you know how i feel about crying at the death of someone who has lived a full and complete life - i feel that we're crying for our loss, not theirs. it's not them we feel sorry for; it's us. for me, it was guilt. i haven't seen my Lola since before she was transferred to her care home in january. but the last time i saw her, she was cognizant and she told me she loved me. i think that's a pretty good memory to be left with.

that's why when my mom phoned an hour later and said that they were going to the home to say goodbye and did i want to come, i burst into tears and said, "i don't want to see her like that." she understood. almost everyone was there (and i say that lightly, because this is my dad's family we're talking about. there are a lot of them).

instead, i stayed home and decided to Skype my brother so he wouldn't find out about her death from a status update on Facebook. he asked me right away, "why are you up so early?" and i'm not one to mince words when it comes to this sort of thing so all i said was, "i have bad news. Lola Mama's gone." it was hard to see him cry, but i didn't want him to find out on the phone or through e-mail and then have to deal with it alone. at least being on Skype, you're face to face. we talked for about an hour. he's coming home on Saturday for the funeral on Tuesday.

i was sketchy yesterday evening when we went to my aunt's house for the first night of the Novena. my cousin, Ash, came up to gave me a hug and i lost it. i was weepy when i got home too. i knew this Lola's death would be the worst for me because she was the one i knew the best, the one that used to live with me and take care of me.

i wasn't sure i'd be able to go to work today. i felt so sad this morning but i managed to actually get out of the house on time so i thought i'd see how it went and if i couldn't hold it together throughout the day, i'd just go home.

standing on the skytrain, i felt sad. i looked sad. everything was glum. and then we got to Broadway station and the guy that i had smiled at...twice...just before the Olympics walked onto my car. and we made eye contact. and i kept trying to catch his eye and was successful at least twice. i thought hard about fishing out one of my business cards, scrawling the word "Coffee?" on it and handing it to him as i left the train. by the time we approached my station, i had my purse open and was looking for a pen.

and then i realized, as he smiled at me again and my gloom lifted almost entirely, that his appearance was a gift from my Lola. it was her telling me to stop being sad and to remember the living as much as the dead. his smile made me smile and it made me feel happy again.

okay, maybe it was just a coincidence that i saw him. but it certainly makes me feel better to think that my Lola is watching over me, trying to orchestrate something good from where she is.

superfox

not surprisingly, i was going a little out of my mind last night. i got to the point where i was googling "shy guy behaviour" and reading endless posts from said shy-guys and the women that love them, and trying to see any similarities in their situations and mine. i am also hormonal, which does not help.

so, i did what i always do when i am feeling particularly frantic about dating and men and relationships. i turned to the bible of greg and liz, "He's Just Not That Into You." and i read the first chapter again: "He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out." and they reminded me of the things that i forget or that i talk myself out of or convince myself i should do because i don't want to wait: that i should not try to trick him into asking me out, nor should i ask him out myself. most importantly, that i am WORTH being asked out.

and so it goes. he's just a guy. if he ends up going out with someone else because she was super aggressive, backed him into a corner and told him they were going out (as has happened with several men i've been interested in in the past few years, a few resulting in marriage), then good for her. i'll send you a wedding gift.

all that being said, i can't shrink back into wallflower status. i still need to show my interest, but i won't go further than that.

besides, our new German exchange student started yesterday and as Nicbal noticed, he's already making eyes at me.

Deustchland vor!

out

he loves me, he loves me not.

oh Crush. how you tease me so. it's great when he's hanging out at my desk with partners swarming around, looking at us wasting company time. but we sit in the boardroom alone together, after hours, and all he can talk about is work. oy!

i think i may back off for a little while. it's too frustrating.

11:2

Doc Tardy and i were supping on a patio in Kits on saturday night. beside us, a group of 11 (count 'em!) men, aged 30 - 40, all watching the replay of one of the world cup games. we were on the patio beside them for three hours. ask me how many numbers i got.

you're correct! zero. i turned to Doc and said, "this is punishment. this is God testing my chutzpah and proving to me that i am not willing to make myself available for a nice guy, or any guy." she pooh-poohed that and said, "it'll happen when it's meant to happen for us."

i said, without even trying to lower my voice, "it ain't happening because we're not letting it happen!!! there are 11 of them and we haven't made eye contact or smiled at any one of them! ELEVEN!" and they just kept coming. at one point, there were 13. i nearly cried.

but i didn't make eye contact. not even by mistake.

you wonder why i'm single? it's because i MAKE myself single!

self-check

i'm fascinated by non-verbal communication and have been since i was in high school. i remember one summer i read every book that the local public library had on face reading and body language that was written for the general public (they had academic texts as well, but i was 15 at the time and it was beyond me. still is, to be honest). the TV show "Lie to Me" was a godsend. it brought all of what i learned into context.

i think it interests me so much because i feel like i already have an innate sense of feelings and emotions and learning the academic side of it just assists in honing that in-born skill.

i use what i know to take stock of how people are feeling in social situations. and of course, i use it to analyze potential love-interests to see whether or not they feel the same about me. if i were to go by non-verbals alone, i'd say Bertrand is really interested in me and Crush is not.

this week, i decided that i would study my books again, because i've now accumulated lots of books on body language over the past few years. this time, i would study one action each week and look for it in every person i saw. i think that would ensure that i understood what the action looked like and what it said.

as i was re-reading one of my books, it reminded me that, as with everything in life, you have to look at non-verbal cues in context with everything else. so, crossed-arms generally say that the person is closed off or unfriendly, but what happens if the air conditioning is blasting and they're in bare arms and no sweater?

of course, then it made me think that i should assess my own body language and see whether how i think i feel about both Bertrand and Crush is actually how i feel. i know that when i see and talk to Bertrand, which is rare, both of us are really open in our non-verbals. there's a lot of maintained eye contact and he always turns to face me. he keeps a close distance, standing in what's called the "intimate zone" (between 1 - 3 feet from the other person), instead of the "social zone", which is generally 3 - 5 feet from the other person. if we're sitting around the boardroom table at after work drinks, his feet and sometimes his entire body is pointed towards me, even though he may be speaking to someone else. and yet, we never talk at any other time. i don't make efforts to stop by his office to chat and he only chats with me when he needs something or is waiting to speak to someone near my desk and that person is busy and he wants to kill time.

in contrast, Crush chats with me all the time (although not nearly as much now that he's in a different office on the other side of the office), albeit about work, but he makes efforts. other people have remarked that he's always chatting with me and that he doesn't make many efforts to make convo with anyone else. yet his body language is so different. if we're around the boardroom table, he'll turn his head to talk to me, but his feet and body stay pointing straight ahead of him. if we're standing in a group, his feet are never pointed towards me. he does raise his eyebrows, and therefore widens his eyes, if he walks past me in the hallway (the eyes' way of taking in a sight they like) and he'll talk to me endlessly about work-things that most people would have spent five minutes on.

as for me, i think i hold back. i was chatting with Sands yesterday and could see Crush walking through the library in the reflection in the window. it looked like he changed his direction once he saw me (i assume, since he knew Sands would be sitting in her desk but wouldn't necessarily think i would be standing there too), and lumbered his way towards us. but then, he pointed his entire body towards Sands while telling both of us about his day at a mediation. he'd turn his head to tell me about it (and mostly me about it), but his feet and shoulders were pointed straight towards Sands. I turned my body fully towards him and saw a piece of lint on his shoulder. i was going to pick it off but decided not to as it was a little personal, but i think i should have. if i'm going to convey interest, i have to start touching him soon. otherwise, it will go no where.

which makes me think - is he holding back? i mean, if i'm holding back because i don't want to appear too over-eager, then maybe he is too. or maybe i'm not as interested as i think i am, or want to be.

people wonder why i'm still single. it's because it's far too complicated to be anything else, at least in my head. :)

although, there was this one time i was sitting in my chair at my desk and turned with my back to the shared printer. Crush came around my desk to get something he had printed and two seconds later, i turned to face him and noticed that when i was facing him full on (or his mid-section full-on), he sucked in is gut. i thought that was either coincidental, or really cute.

huh.

i was with my mom this evening and we were chatting about my dad. she said she knew something that she wasn't sure she should tell me. she had previously been telling me how my dad was reporting to her that i spent so much money and that i was making more than him and i still didn't have any money. i gathered from that that he had been looking at my paystubs and mastercard bills. that's okay - i left them out so it was fair game.

so, when she said she knew something, i thought perhaps that my dad ratted me out and told her i still had a large balance on my credit card. what she told me really surprised me. apparently, my dad is worried about me because i don't have kids yet.

the story is this: she picked him up to take him somewhere because she had borrowed his car. he gets in the car and closes the door with a heavy sigh. she says, "what's wrong?" and he says, "it's CG. i'm worried about her." she says, "why?" he says, "she's 33 years old and instead of taking care of her kids, she's taking care of her dog. and, look at me! instead of taking care of my grand-kids, i'm taking care of her dog." she said he actually got a little emotional; maybe even teared up a bit.

huh? this i expected from my mom. that's why i had the talk with her a few years ago (that she conveniently doesn't remember) about how i wasn't sure that i was meant to have kids and that i wasn't concerned about whether i had them or not. maybe i should have included my dad in that conversation too.

i know it's not the right reason to have kids but i have a feeling it would really help my dad out of his funk if he had little ones to take care of.

no pressure.

rain

just got in from an afternoon stroll with my Lunatic. it's pissing outside. i'm quite certain she is now sitting on top of my clean clothes on my bed, still a little damp from being Sham-wowed.

i attempted to do some purging today. i tackled my 3 rubbermaid totes and managed to purge a whack of sweaters and some too-tight capris pants from summers past. but i still have a bursting closet. and i want to buy more clothes.

it's june and you know what that means - the gloves are slowly coming off. the three-month moratorium on Crush is now over. i am going to ramp-up my attempts at... i don't know. do we call it 'flirting'? anyway, yeah. that's my plan.

in other news, BabyMan is away for the week and has asked me to revive his bonsai tree while he's away. (hmm. that sounds dirty.) he said, and i quote, "that can be your new challenge." arse.

did i tell you i think there might be something neurologically wrong with me? more often than not, as i type i spell out words wrong. and not as in a typo - as in when i just typed out "not", my brain told me to type out "knot". and up top, where i said rubbermaid totes, my brain told me and i did, type out "rubbermaide toates". toates m'goats.

time to get ready for ballet.

just cause

yesterday was the friday before the long weekend, so i knew there wouldn't be too many people sticking around for a drink. i had plans to meet Mandy at 5:15 to go for nachos anyway, but i ended up finishing work (or being tired of working) at about 4:15 so i had some time to kill.

earlier in the day, i walked by Bertrand's office and he called me back. he asked if i had bought snacks for that evening and i said, "it's the friday before the long weekend - no one is going to be here for drinks after work!" he said, "no one will be there because there is no food!" he joked about how he had assigned the task to me and i joked that he forgot to confirm in writing, so there was no written agreement. he said, "it was a verbal agreement!" we talked about our upcoming weekends and then i left.

at 4:25, i walked into Crush's office with my bags and said, "what are you doing?" he told me he was working on an affidavit and then said, "are you headed to the boardroom?" and i said, "yeah, can you keep me company for 30 minutes?" and he said he would.

short story long, i ended up in the boardroom with not only Crush but Bertrand. it was the best. until Crush brought up the Student, who has since left the firm. i have a sneaking suspicion that he has a bit of a thing for her. then again, i have a bit of a thing for Bertrand so i guess what's good for the goose, etc.

as it sits, i am still here, waiting to hear from people about tonight. the Howler's last show is tonight and Doc Tardy and i are planning on going. except, she hasn't responded to my texts about dinner or what time to meet i guess for now, i'll make plans to head down on my own. typical.

i kind of lost it on her the other day. i went off about how i needed new friends because no one ever kept get together dates and people kept jamming. WTF. i do need new friends. or i just have to get over the fact that some people are just flighty and just because they say, "yes, let's do this!" it doesn't mean, "yes, let's do this!" it means, "yes, perhaps if something better doesn't come up in the meantime, i may consider possibly doing this!"

you know what's wrong with the world today? people are innundated with choice and now, no one wants to commit because there may be something better to do later on. so frustrating.

huh

Crush was hanging out by my desk (again), digging through my candy dish. i said to him, "i was going to pick out some new candy this weekend, but i wasn't sure how it would go over so i decided not to."

he answers and says, "did you ask BabyMan?"

i said, "why would i ask BabyMan?"

he says, "you always consult with him." huh?

i said, "no i don't. BabyMan doesn't even eat these candies. he just asks for real food."

he said, "so you only bake him cookies." huh?

i said, "no, i bake everyone cookies. he just takes a lot of them."

i then went to BabyMan's office and relayed my conversation, hoping he would tell me that i was reading too much into things.

he said, "OMG, he's jealous! wait, wait, we're over him, i forgot. OMG, he's jealous!!! ooh, the tension!!"

yeah, that's what i thought. so agonized - what do i do? do i step this flirtation up a notch? do i leave it alone? do i ask BabyMan tomorrow what i should do? decisions, decisions.

i finally decided to do the only thing i know - i baked him cookies. i'll leave most of them for the office, but i'm going to bring him his own bag with a note that says, "you get first dibs this time."

if cookies don't show my affection, i'm going to have to go with beer.

tacos

about 7 years ago, i met this guy online who lived in las vegas. i can't remember if we talked or if we just MSN chatted but i remember really liking him, not as a "guy" but as a friend. he said that if i were ever in vegas to look him up and he would take me to his favorite bar, the Pink Taco. i thought that was a funny name. he said it was a strip club. i thought it was an odd name for a peeler bar.

fast-forward 7 years to this past tuesday. i was watching "Glee" and Sue Sylvester threatened to kick another woman in her taco. i gasped at the visual that popped into my head and laughed at the chutzpah that the show had to have that particular turn of phrase on such a teen-driven show.

fast forward to 8:30 this evening. i was walking home from the skytrain and something reminded me of the name Pink Taco. and all of a sudden, i understood why the nudie bar was called the Pink Taco.

yes, sometimes, i actually AM that slow.

music therapy

i made a new playlist (the 2010 version of a mega mix-tape) called "I Love This Song!" i like themes when i make a new playlist and always give it a kooky name. i've been wanting to make this particular one for awhile, but it just took time to go through my entire list of songs and sort through.

i've been listening to it as i pack for mexico and everytime a new song starts, i say, "oh, i love this song!" and then i laugh. because i don't actually mean to be funny when i say i love this song, but it's why i made the playlist. i love all of my music but there are some songs that i absolutely love. my poor neighbours have had to listen to me sing all night.

not to be confused with my playlist, "Karaoke Wish List".

i miss my iPod. and i miss my little Lunatic.

i dropped her off at my dad's place at about 5 because i have to leave a an ungodly hour tomorrow morning and didn't want to have to fuss with her morning routine and then get me out the door in time. but i miss her! it's so weird. i didn't believe Sands when she said i would grow to love Luna. i laughed at all of those crazy dog people that talked about their dogs all the time. i don't talk about her very much but when i walked to my car after dropping her off, i started to tear up. i didn't actually cry, but i got emotional. i guess it doesn't help that i am very anxious about leaving her with my dad.

i called him about an hour or so later and asked him how she was. he said she played with him for a little while, but then she went to her kennel and won't come out. it breaks my heart. i think he's a little put off too. he doesn't take rejection well. i wonder where i get it from.

i assured him that she would be out of sorts for a couple of days but by monday, she'd be fine. i hope i'm not lying.

surface

i really shouldn't read into things. but i do.

our cute little associate, Bertrand, was away again last Friday. he had gone up to Whistler the weekend before and then before that had taken a personal day because he was feeling stressed. i call him "delicate". he's adorable.

there was a recurring event in my calendar that he was to be looking after but i wasn't sure if it was a past event or something coming up. i sent him an e-mail just asking whether or not he had dealt with it. i got the bounce back email saying he was away until monday and wouldn't have access to his e-mail. i didn't think too much of it.

ten minutes later, i get a message from him from his brand new BlackBerry, saying he had dealt with the matter. because i like to flirt with him, even though he's 8 years my junior in age and about 15 years my junior in how he acts sometimes, i sent him a note back that said something like, "thanks. i'll delete the rest of these reminders. miss your smiley face today. the office is dark without you. have a good weekend." i received no response back. i didn't think much of it either.

on tuesday, i was in the lunchroom with Sands and she said, "so, was that Bertran's dad that died?" whuh? she explained that he had apparently been back east on the weekend and that she had seen an obit in the paper with a guy who shared the same last name as Bertrand and listed Bertrand as a surviving child. when i got home, i did my own internet search and found the obit.

he looks just like his dad. i felt so bad for him. no one should lose their parent at 25 and the obit said that it was a sudden death. it must've been a heart attack or something.

anyway, that was last night. i was trying to get to sleep and something was just gnawing at me. and then i realized, it was the cheeky e-mail i sent to Bertrand on friday. i told him to have a good weekend for crying out loud! i knew he wouldn't take it the wrong way as really, he hadn't told anyone why he was away. he didn't even mention it when he got back. i'm not even sure his assistant knows why he was gone. but because i'm me i couldn't let it go.

i sent him an email on facebook (we're not friends, but i've sent him a message before at Christmas - flirty, of course). it said, "had i known why you were away on friday, i never would've sent you such a cheeky message. i'm very sorry for your loss. if you need an ear, i have two."

i didn't see him at all today and didn't get a response until after i got home from choir. it said, and i quote, "no worries. hearing from you, even in a cheeky manner, brings a smile to my face (wow, that is cheesy)."

is that sweet or what? but, uh, do you think he's being flirty too? he doesn't normally, which is fine. i've determined that since i'm a full generation older than him that i can sexually harrass him without much worry.

in my twisted head, of course, i see it as he's finally realizing that i'm the perfect woman for him, now that he sees i'm interested in someone else. in reality, it's just because he's such a sweet guy. ah, fantasy.

i remember

i remember why i don't like to crush on people (for real) at work. when something adverse happens...anything...i get mopey and miserable.

today, i received confirmation that my Crush is switching offices. not sure when, but it's going to happen. you'd think it was because he somehow ended up in the spare, corner-office. no student or associate should get a corner office. and yet, he's moving to Mon's old office, which is a corner office. just on the opposite corner to me.

it made me wonder whether the move was precipitated by the fact that he's always chatting with me. perhaps the partner that sits near us that often catches us chatting (albeit always about work, because he hasn't figured out how to chat with me about anything else) has caught on that there's a bit of interest on both of our parts. (not convinced about the interest on his part, or perhaps i don't want to get my hopes up). in any event, when i heard about it, i got really sulky. for once, it didn't last long, but it did happen.

i even went so far as to say to him before i left, "so, you're moving??" and he said, "yeah, you didn't know? i don't know when, but Scrooge told me i was moving. he said as much as he liked having me down here, i had to go!" curious.

what this means for me is that i'll have to try harder when it comes to flirting with him. we went out for lunch the other day (because i asked him) and i'm getting more and more comfortable with him, just chatting and teasing him about stuff. i whined at him today (my first whine!) that it felt like i hadn't seen him all day, he'd been so busy.

my worst fear, of course, is that once they hire the new girl (because the new girl has given her notice and so they have to hire a new girl to replace the new girl), they'll end up hiring someone cute and his age and much more forward than i am (it'll be like history repeating itself, over and over again), and they'll end up dating and of course, because it's me, he'll end up marrying her. oy. and i wonder why i've avoided dating for so long.

well, i have some time to work on it. oh wait, i leave for Mexico in four work days! i wonder if he'll miss me while i'm gone. or if i'll have any candy left in my candy dish when i get back. i'm quite certain he's the candy thief, but that's okay with me.

and so it begins. again.

inspiration

i was taking the Lunatic out for her last evening walk and as she sniffed the grass, i looked up to the tree above me. it's a cherry blossom tree in bloom. i adjusted my eyes to see the pale pink blooms contrast against the blue-black sky and thought, "i need to write a haiku." so i did:

With my eyes skyward
Blossoms against the dark sky
Pink arms outstretched

it's not much, but it's a reminder that i don't need to be depressed to write poetry. inspiration is all around me!

i kind of miss writing poetry. my running joke (to myself, because no one ever asks me why i don't write poetry anymore!) is that i used to write a lot of poetry, but now i'm much happier.

i've always been about writing when inspired and maybe this means i'm ready to be inspired again.

money talks

why do i do it? Mon's last day at the firm was on friday and we had a long talk at the end of the day about the partners and the firm. the new firm she's going to is paying her 40% more than she makes where i am. and it made me think: are they underpaying me too?

cut to saturday night nachos with the Duckster and A. i knew i couldn't just out and ask the Duckster how much money she made because she's very private about that stuff. however, she also doesn't like to know that people are getting screwed over when they deserve more. so i hedged a bet and started talking about Mon and how much more she'd be making and how i wondered what i should be making. she out and out told me what she makes and A chimed in with her salary (although hers isn't comparable to mine as we don't work in the same area of law and she has years more experience as a legal secretary than i do). they both make about $12,000.00 a year more than me. i think that's substantial. no wonder A can afford to travel so much!

Duckster also told me what her bonus was last year and again, over $3000.00 more than i got, and i thought i got a lot. now, i think her bonus was a lot but fuuuuuuuuuucck. she made a lot more too.

all day, i've been thinking about how if i don't get a raise this year and i don't get a bonus, then that's it. i was saddened to hear how Mon was treated by the partners in the last two weeks (it was like a bad breakup where you still had to deal with each other - very petty and childish behaviour on some of the partners' parts). is the firm as good as i think it is or are my glasses extra rosy?

i may not get much of a raise this year, if at all (although i should, because i'm at 5 years now), but i should damn well get a good bonus. i practically billed my entire salary last year - they got all my hard work for free, basically. they owe me something big.

i guess we'll see. i hate that i get hung up on this stuff. it should be good enough that i love my job and most of the people i work with. but it sucks that i can only just cover bills and make paltry contributions to various savings and RRSPs, having only a little left over for the week for incidentals.

then again, you can't take any of it with you so why get hung up on the fact that i can't buy more clothes or more purses or more shoes. i don't have anywhere to put them anyway.

but if i made more money, i could buy a bigger place and have more storage. sigh.

junk

i was watching my favorite CBC program, The Hour, with Strombo (i love him) and he did this quickie report about how addictive junk food really is. something to do with rats and how the control rats didn't go for the healthy food when the red light was on because they knew they would get a shock but the experiment rats would continually get shocked, even though they knew they were going to, because they were jonesing so bad for the crap.

i totally get it. i always say, "okay, you know what, i'm just going to finish this bag of mini- Reeses peanut butter cups because then i can just start afresh." but then the PBCs turn into a pint of ice cream or a bag of chips and all of a sudden, i'm struggling to do up my pants again.

no, no, my friend. i must stop now. just as soon as i finish this bag of mini creme eggs. seriously, there's only two left. ugh, weekly weigh in time. this is not going to be pretty.

cocky

i'm eating again. it's because i fit into shit that i haven't been able to wear in years. so somehow, that tells my mind that i need to start eating junky food again. it doesn't help that it's Easter and all of my favorite junky chocolates are available at every turn. i've been doing jumping jacks and shadow sparring in between commercial breaks (because i'm also just sitting on my arse watching TV while i eat), just to feel like i haven't completely lost motivation.

it doesn't help that i stopped recording what i eat everyday. i'm still doing my sunday evening weigh-in and recording my measurements, but i was far more careful about what i ate when i had to remain conscious of it.

at least i've selected healthy choices for easter dinner, that i'm preparing for my parents. roast, salmon, yams, carrots. i need some green in there too so i think i'll do asparagus.

it doesn't help that i have a bad cold so taking Luna for her walks has been reduced to up and down the block again because i'm having trouble keeping my breath. that and i have to blow my nose every half block.

not excuses, just reasons. and now i can start over again. just as soon as i finish this bag of mini-creme eggs.

sweats

i'm sick. i struggled into work this morning (against my gut feeling that i should stay home) and ended up leaving at 10. slept on the couch for a good part of the early afternoon and then read and hydrated for the rest of the day.

when i got dressed this morning, i put on tights under my pants (unheard of) because i was cold. i had a tank top under my sweater. by 9 am, i was in the washroom, peeling my extra layers off because i was sweating. i just thought it was warm. i realized it might be time to go home when i started sweating while sitting in my chair.

i don't recall being this sick for a long time. the last time i called in "sick", i was feeling not great, but i could've gone in. in fact, by 10 am that day, i was feeling better and should've gone in. this time, totally different. i'm achy and sweaty. i sound like Barry White with a cold. i've pretty much emptied out my nasal cavities several times over throughout the day. my nose is raw (and that's using Puffs with Lotion! imagine if i had used regular tissue!). my eyes hurt and are watery. i'm coughing. and i can't hear very well. what?

i'm hoping i feel better tomorrow. i hate missing work.

rugged

i read somewhere that when a woman is on the Pill, she is attracted to men that have more feminine qualities - pretty face, lean body, less hairy. conversely, women who are not on the Pill were supposed to be attracted to the complete opposite type of man - beefy, rugged, hairy. i never believed this theory, until now.

you know my type - blonde, blue-eyed, athletic build, short-cropped hair, clean-shaven. muscular has never been something i've been attracted to.

and yet, my long-standing celebrity obsession has been Dwayne Johnson. my newest crush at work is 6'2", broad and muscular. i've been more attracted to men that have a day's worth of growth on their chin (i went to work today to do some OT and 3 of the men had a day-old beard and each one was sexy in their own right because of it....rawr!).

don't get me wrong - my pretty boys still get my attention. but it's like a switch was flipped in my head and, although i still love to look at them, my belief that pretty boys are the ones I should be dating is no longer that strong. I would look ridiculous next to them! i don't want to compete with who has more hair care products, you know?

i like rugged men now. rugged men, not pretty boys. except my new work-crush is still four years younger than me :)

freebie

i was napping on the couch on saturday when i was woken up by my phone. i saw the number was not one i recognized, so i went back to sleep. about half an hour later, i get up and see that the unknown number has left message. it was a recorded voice, saying that my debit card had been cancelled and to go to my nearest bank to get a new one. since i was going out that night, i figured i should get my ass to the bank.

turns out i was a victim of debit card skimming. the jerks made a total of 3 separate transactions - 2 $100 withdrawals and then, get this, $1000 deposit.

i went to the bank and they refunded my $200. they gave me a new bank card and i went on my way. i just checked my bank account and the $1000 is still in there.

so, do i get to keep it???

HVD

i find it interesting to note that i don't have one Valentine's Day entry in any of the years i've been blogging on this site. weird, eh?

not so weird, considering that the last time i had a Valentine, i was trying to break up with him. i like to think that i've moved onwards and upwards since then. into the stratasphere, if comparisons must be made.

honestly, i kept forgetting that it was this weekend. i was at the mall near my office on thursday and i kept seeing people carrying Purdy's bags. i wondered, "what's the draw with the chocolate right now? are they selling Olympic chocolate or something?" and then i walked the red velvet heart and silhouetted Cupid decorations and realized,"Ah. It's Valentine's Day this weekend."

i went shopping. bought my new rainboots and another pair of shoes (i know, i have a problem). i then went and had lunch (2 slices of pizza but i still came in close to my goal caloric intake today so i consider that pretty darn good). then i went grocery shopping. and then i took my Lunatic for a long walk, as it was such a gorgeous day today. and now, i write before bed and after my weekly weigh in. and i have nothing to say. except that the scale we used on Friday must be wonky because if it's not, i've already lost 4 lbs.

HVD. and good night.

biggest loser

the cousins have finally decided to do the biggest loser: Canada edition. our cousins in the States have been doing it for about 3 or 4 years now and we decided to undertake it here. if it goes well, next year we'll be doing Team USA vs. Team Canada. lol.

i was not pleased with my weigh-in last night but i guess the more i weigh, the better it is in the end. i would like to lose 25 lbs in the 10 weeks. i think that's doable. i'm going to keep a journal, not online, with my weekly weigh ins and measurements (we're not keeping track of measurements for the competition but since that's all i really care about, i'm going to, for me). but today, i enjoy my final hours of gluttony and sloth.

bring on dessert!

blue

on Wednesday, i had a serious case of the blues. it was frustrating, because there really was no reason for it. as the day went on, i felt worse and worse, so much so that i skipped out on going to choir practice (research shows that singing boosts seratonin levels). not even my little Lunatic made me feel better, although she did try her hardest at being uber-cute and charming.

when i woke up the next morning, i felt only slightly better, which is unusual. i can usually sleep off any negative feelings. i felt better as the day went on and by Friday, i was back to normal. but it still bugs me - what was i blue about?

it wasn't depression. it wasn't that ache that makes me want to cry. it wasn't even sadness. it was just a general feeling of blah. the feeling that makes you want to stare out of a window for hours on end at nothing in particular. a feeling of disinterestedness, of detachment.

maybe it is just a case of the january blues. holidays are over, everything is back to normal. the first long weekend isn't until april. the rain is back. i can see why people get sad this time of year. it's still in the back of my mind, anyway.

but, the olympics are in 2 weeks, the visitors and athletes are slowly starting to trickle in and the energy in the air is almost palpable. a new guy starts on Monday at work. change is in the air! the next month will be good. i can feel it.

torture

i've been home for about 24 hours after spending a week with my mom. don't get me wrong - it was a pretty good week. she drove me only a bit crazy, and that was only at the beginning. but i was looking forward to just having time to myself.

my brother phoned earlier and i asked him if he had seen my grandma yet today. he said no. i said that i was going and asked him whether he wanted to come with me. i told him i'd call him when i was ready to go.

flash forward to 10 minutes ago. my mom phones and asks if i'm going to see my grandma. i say yes. she asks when. i say after 6. she asks if she can come with me. i say sure. she asks if my brother is going. i say maybe. she asks if i was going to ask her if she wanted to come with me. i am surprised by how stupid she is for asking a question to which she's already decided what the answer is and stutter. she says, "no, you weren't. that's okay, that's okay. what time are you going?" and i know that when i pick her up, she's going to say something about not thinking or being thoughtful enough to ask her to go with me. why? why? why??

why does she do that to herself?