whoa, nellie!

as in, "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair." does anyone actually believe me when i say that?

okay, i need to wash that man right out of my hair, that man being Crush. the wondering, the waiting, the looks, the hoping...it's slowly killing me. you know how i get. for the past week, i've been living in my head, which is a terrible place to be. i become this melancholy, sullen, unconsolable shell of a person and i hate that. i don't want to be that. i spent a good part of my 20s like that. my 30s are supposed to be better than that.

BabyMan brought up a good point the other day when he was really trying to make me feel better and encourage me. Crush is on a year-long interview - it wouldn't do for him to start dating one of the staff while he's trying to land himself a job. for this alone, i feel bad for even trying. granted, i do just want to start with being friends first but unfortunately, it doesn't ever seem to work that way.

he turned 30 on tuesday and, true to form, i couldn't resist myself. i put together a party hat, a birthday blower, a list of 30 quotes about turning 30, a flower necklace and a slice of cake with a 30th birthday candle and put it into a box labelled, "DIY Birthday-in-a-Box". i got to work at 7:30 to put all of these things together (i had to format the quotes and then put together the description of the items in the box). that's saying something, since these days i can't get myself to work by my required 8:00 am. i described each item and it's use (ex. "Chocolate cake - standard fare. Sharing is optional.") and when i got to the flower necklace, which i saved for last, i said, "Flower necklace - because I think everyone should get 'lei-d' on their birthday (although if you actually do, please don't tell me. it'd break my heart!"). oh yeah. i said it.

he was appropriately appreciative (i wish i could've seen his face when he walked into his office and saw it), and the next day, i noticed he had displayed the stuff i gave him around his office. the flower lei, i discovered, hangs on the knob behind his door. i thought that was cute.

but he's either been busy with work (shock and nerve!) or he's feeling like he needs to back off or something because this week, after the show, he hasn't been coming around as much. i miss him. i've been falling asleep at my desk because of the tedium!

he leaves for PLTC as of sept 13th. maybe the 10 weeks is what i need to just get over this infatuation. it's not like we can do anything about it right now. and maybe he doesn't want to. maybe he likes me but not enough to do anything about it. and what does that mean? he's just not that into me.