out of my head

i feel like a complete lunatic right now. i am going out of my head and it's all my fault! again! you think by now, i would have learned my lesson about obsessing and over-thinking and over-anticipating but nooooo...

Crush and i are going out tomorrow. not on a date. he had an extra ticket to see an outdoor show tomorrow night and it was one i really wanted to see so i offered to buy it from him. we had talked about this show over lunch one day. he had mentioned he was online looking at tickets and i mentioned that i wanted to see it and asked him who he was going with. he told me but of course, didn't ask me to go. clueless boys.

fast forward about an hour later and he's at my desk (of course), telling me that he bought the tickets but then was advised by his intended invitees that they weren't available on the date he chose. i didn't invite myself. not yet.

a couple of days later, he brings up the show again and says that he won't bother going and that he'll just give the tickets away or something. i should've said, "i'll go with you," but instead wanted to make it seem like i wasn't trying to snag a date with him (dumbass), and said i would buy one of the tickets from him. luckily, he intimated that this meant i wanted to go with him and not just save myself the trouble of going online to buy a ticket for myself. phew.

before i left for the day yesterday, i wrote my phone number on a post-it note and bravely walked into his office, handed it to him and said, "in case you need to call...or, if you want to go for a drink beforehand or something...." he took it and said he'd likely be at the office for the day but said he'd call me.

at 9:30 that night, he sent me a friend request on FB. i don't know why he waited until now, but he did. i accepted it this morning and i spent most of my day looking through his pictures. getting him into my head. crafting scenarios (the best one - parking my car downtown and taking the bus into Stanley Park. then when it's time to leave, he'll say, "where'd you park?" and i'll say, "at the IGA - i didn't want to try to find parking here." and he'll say, "do you want to walk together then?" and I'll say, "why yes, on this lovely, moonlit night, i'd love to walk with you." and then we'd amble our way through the downtown core to my car, talking about the show and life. crud. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccckk.

and now, i'm feeling completely wild. i have butterflies both in my stomach and they're currently travelling up my throat, and it's more than 18 hours until i'm to see him. we're not even going together to the show - i think i'm just meeting him there, if he even goes! oy. i so want this to be a date but it isn't. cripes, there may even be someone else with us and then i'll be the third wheel. wheeeeee! argh. ARGH!!!!

this is why i don't date. i like him too much. i know how i am. if this doesn't go well, i'll be miserable. work will be unbearable. he'll end up dating someone else and i'll be maniacal. insane with jealousy and regret.

someone should just commit me now and save us all the trouble. argh. i feel physically ill now - can you imagine if it were an actual date?

on the upside, i may be tortured enough to start writing again. look on the bright side of life, yes?