wrong!

maybe it's because i'm 2 days away from my monthly visitor, but i'm feeling particularly glum today. here's the background:

yesterday, i had a particularly inspired idea to e-mail Crush on FB and ask him to go to the Fair. at 2pm, i did so. at 4pm, i headed out to meet another friend, not having heard from him. when i got home at 8:30, i had an e-mail from him from 4:45, saying he probably wouldn't be able to make it out now as he was at his parents. he then asked if i ended up going. i said yes, and then, taking the opportunity, i said if he felt like going with me on tuesday, i could get him in for $5.00 because my credit union was sponsoring the day. or, i continued, i was going to ask him to go to a movie in the park on friday and gave him the link. did i mention my e-mail subject was "i don't have your number..."? guess what? i still don't.

he only came to see me once today and granted, it may have been because he was actually working, but the Cougar reported that he had come to talk to her about three or four times that day so i think i'm being avoided.

just for fun and because i'm a glutton for punishment, i popped by his office before i left for the day. i asked him how his weekend was and he proceeded to tell me about it in detail. he stayed in on saturday and just watched a movie (Shawshank!). it occurred to me that his low-key weekend could have been spent with a new lady friend. i have zero evidence of this, but you know how my mind runs.

i spent the rest of the afternoon on my ride home thinking about why i was feeling bad. i didn't feel bad about the invitations to do things (although, i guess three invites in one night may have been a bit much, granted). and when he came by to see me, someone else muscled their way in to tell me something sort-of work related (you'd think she'd see him there and take a hint, but nooooooo) and so he left and never returned. i never did see him wandering around the office, so perhaps he really was busy.

and then it occurred to me - i'm feeling bad because i was wrong, and i hate being wrong. i was wrong about who he was and how he felt about me. i was wrong to project what i wanted him to be on him and then get miffed because he wasn't behaving the way i wanted him to. i was wrong to have any expectations that things would work out in my favor, or any expectations at all. i was wrong to have jumped the gun, once again, and asked him out when i said i was going to at least wait until he left for PLTC before i made a final move. i hate being wrong!!! it sucks.

and now, i am feeling blue that i have to let this go so early on in my pursuit. you know me - i can't give up anything until i've thrown everything i have at it but i feel i have to now.

not that he isn't a great person but logically, he has made zero effort to ask me to do anything. i need someone with bigger cohones, you know? it may just be because he's shy but i don't think i can risk it. no, the next effort will have to be his if this infatuation is to continue. i shall not write further about it until he makes a step (i'll take any sized step too, but it has to be a step in my direction this time).

and BTW, why is he assuming i want to date him? maybe i just want to be friends. (yes, i'm assuming that he's assuming that i want to date him. i guess that makes asses out of both of us.).