hopeless

the title of this post is a lot less happy than i'd like it to be, but it's how i'm feeling. but not in a bad way. or at least, not in a way that is making me feel bad.

i had a complete and utter meltdown on friday night. have i said that recently? anyway, i was out walking the Lunatic at about 11:30 and was feeling like i was going to cry. like, sob. and not in a hormonal way. so, we took the elevator up from the basement and, because it was 11:30 on a friday night, i felt it should be safe to let one or two tears fall. after all, the elevator is about 50 feet from my front door. who was going to be in the hallway?

of course, my next-door neighbour, and the only male on my side of the floor, was just coming out of his door just as we were walking down the hall and my tears started to flow a little more freely. he always does this cute wave at me, and he didn't disappoint on friday night. i don't think he noticed i was crying. i tried to wipe away as many of the more-than-two tears that fell before he turned to look at me and he was walking in the other direction, down the other set of stairs, so he didn't have to walk right by me to see me. i managed a weak, "hey," to counter his cute-wave, and then ducked into my apartment.

and then i lost it. it was a mixture of grief and disappointment and anger and hopelessness. not a lot of positive feelings. but it was a good cry. and a long cry. and it hurt. but it's one of those cries you have when you are completely honest with yourself. and i was, for once. a rarity, but it does happen every now and then.

i am introspective - we all know this. so i know in my head that the way things happen in life aren't the way things are actually happening. like, objects in the rear-view mirror are not as close as they seem. but it takes a long, long time for that knowledge to reach and be understood and accepted by my heart.

i knew Crush wasn't going to do anything to keep in touch while he was gone for these ten weeks. i *knew* that. i *KNEW* that. but my heart hoped. and it wished. and it prayed that he would keep in touch. and for the first week and a half, he did. but then he stopped. and i told everyone i had given up. but i hadn't. and i knew i couldn't. and i didn't. and i continued to hope.

well, all hope flowed out of my heart and through my eyes in the form of a waterfall of tears on friday and now, i know. and i feel. and i get it. it doesn't make it any less sucky, but at least i feel it now.

the myers-briggs type indicator has always classified me as a "feeler" and not a "thinker", although everytime i've taken the test, i think they've both been pretty close in score (unlike my introversion v. extraversion, which is always heavily sided towards ... you guessed it, introversion). it's not like there is a disconnect between my head and my heart - there's just a slower connection. like, my head is working on a super-DSL and my heart is connected to it via dial-up rotary phone. eventually the two connect, just not at the same time.

am i feeling better about Crush and the hopelessness of the situation? yes, but only because i will drive myself crazy if i don't.

incidentally, a blast from the past friended and emailed me on FB last week. Casanova, whose comments about my blog prompted me to start this new, more "unsearchable" one, basically felt i was too much of a headcase and decided he didn't want to continue to see me (we had gone out on about three or four dates). that was the pot calling the kettle black, if i ever met a kettle. he had problems with everything to do with me - i didn't drink, i lived at home, i overthought everything, i didn't live in the city, i posted my thoughts on a blog.

i had a problem that he never kissed me, and then blamed me for it. headcase indeed.

anyway, i check my email last wednesday and who should send me a message but Casanova. i didn't prompt it and was shocked by it. okay, not shocked, but definitely surprised. basically, he said i had just "popped into his head" and he decided to say hi. really? after five years?

i relayed the story to BabyMan and he immediately gasped, "he wants you back! don't screw this up."

i will not overthink this one. but if he really did just want to say hi, why did he ask to be a friend too? and, a whole six minutes after he sent me the message [cue dramatic music]. oh stop.

anyway, i asked him how things were and what was new and he mentioned, in this order: his new dog, work, martial status and parental status. i thought that was really interesting, from a psychological and sociological standpoint. i would have gone with: work, home ownership, friend activities, and then martial status. i wouldn't even mention kids, furry or otherwise. interesting what people find important and how they classify their lives, eh?

oh, and in case you were wondering, it's hopeless with him too. "hopeless" is my new "fugetaboutit".