i sometimes wonder if my mom was right: am i a selfish and self-serving person?
today at work was busy. i had a project to work on that could've lasted me most of the day and the big boss came at me with one of his "hurry up and wait" projects that would've kept me on my toes for the remainder of the day. at a little after 11, i sat down at my desk for one of the first times this morning to catch a break and my phone rings. it's my mom. she's crying. she sounds panicked. and first, i think it's about my dad and that something has happened to him. so i inquire. and she tells me there is something wrong with her heart - that there's an extra beat which isn't normally present. and i calm slightly. oh, it's just that.
before you think i'm totally cold-hearted, let me give a bit of a background. my mom has had this condition for almost 20 years. she's always had an "irregular" heartbeat. it was only recently that a specialist finally diagnosed her as having it. but they told her it wasn't dangerous. so she's lived with it. but when it happens, she goes into full-out panic mode and is inconsolable. and 9 times out of 10, it's nothing.
so today, instead of offering to drop everything and come to her rescue when she asked me to come get her, i hesitated. i told her i didn't have a car and it would take me awhile to get my car and come get her. i knew i had this letter i had to get out by courier asap. i basically told her, in not so many words, that i didn't have time for her panic attack but when i did, i would come and get her. i felt terrible - for not feeling terrible.
instead, i phoned my dad (who works out in langley) to leave work and go help her. i told him i would try to get out of work when i could. i was more scared of what my boss would say when i told him i needed to go see my mom at the emergency room than of what she would think of me. not surprisingly, my boss was very supportive and gave me the rest of the day off, even though i told him i'd come back to work when i could. i had every intention of it.
i knew it was nothing. she knew it was nothing. but, as the boy said to me, "what if it's not nothing? don't you want to err on the side of caution?" he was nice enough to drive me to the emergency room. and luckily, neither of us thought it was a good time for him to meet my mom so instead, he hung back and was more my support (not that i think i needed it but i felt like i should need it).
and after she sat in the waiting room for five hours, waiting for the results of her electrocardiogram, she found out that it was what she suspected - nothing. and i felt bad about not being at work. when i didn't really have anything to do anyway. what's wrong with me?
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Saturday, November 12, 2005
shameful
i've come to the realization that the older i get, the more irresponsible i am about saving money. my credit card bills this month totalled $1800. not really a lot compared to some people still a lot when you consider that i don't really have anything to show for it. i looked at one of my statements - tangibles included shoes and some clothes but probably only a grand total of maybe...MAYBE $500. the rest is eating out...eating out...transportation...and eating out. and my savings is practically non-existent, if you don't include my rather pathetic excuse for an RRSP.
where did i go wrong? the year i decided to buy a car, i was able to save up almost $10,000 in under a year. why am i barely scraping by now?
so, i've done up a budget for myself. for the next couple of months, it will be hard to stick to it as it is the holiday season and, let's face it, i'll need a couple of months to pay off my current credit card bills and replenish the savings i'm going to have to dig into in order to do so. i'm a terrible person. i'm a frivolous person. wasteful. i'm truly ashamed of myself right now.
last weekend alone i spent almost $600. i got my car serviced ($200), my hair cut and highlighted ($180) and got a new pair of eyeglasses ($440 - $200 from insurance). and last week was when i decided i needed to "cut down".
the first thing i need to cut down on is how much i eat out - it's ridiculous. if i want to visit with friends, i should either go for coffee or have dinner parties. potluck dinner parties.
for some reason, i can control my shopping for clothes and toys - i just have to stay out of the mall. but food...ah, food. i use it as a basis for everything - socializing, business, comfort. must stop eating out. after tomorrow.
ah, the mañana budget...
where did i go wrong? the year i decided to buy a car, i was able to save up almost $10,000 in under a year. why am i barely scraping by now?
so, i've done up a budget for myself. for the next couple of months, it will be hard to stick to it as it is the holiday season and, let's face it, i'll need a couple of months to pay off my current credit card bills and replenish the savings i'm going to have to dig into in order to do so. i'm a terrible person. i'm a frivolous person. wasteful. i'm truly ashamed of myself right now.
last weekend alone i spent almost $600. i got my car serviced ($200), my hair cut and highlighted ($180) and got a new pair of eyeglasses ($440 - $200 from insurance). and last week was when i decided i needed to "cut down".
the first thing i need to cut down on is how much i eat out - it's ridiculous. if i want to visit with friends, i should either go for coffee or have dinner parties. potluck dinner parties.
for some reason, i can control my shopping for clothes and toys - i just have to stay out of the mall. but food...ah, food. i use it as a basis for everything - socializing, business, comfort. must stop eating out. after tomorrow.
ah, the mañana budget...
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
marie antoinette
"let them eat cake!" or, in his case, let them have their cake AND eat it too.
it would've have been so much easier had we not bumped into each other at starbucks yesterday. we'd have said our goodbyes and we would've moved on. instead, we're back in limbo.
if a friend were relaying my situation to me as their own, i would tell her to walk away and cut her losses. being alone is better than being in a relationship where the terms are being dictated by someone else, in the long run. is it scary that while i fully know that i should just walk away from this relationship now, i don't think i'm going to? that i can foresee great heartbreak in the not-so-distant future and yet it's not deterring me from continuing on my path of self-destruction?
i have never been someone who was able to delay immediate gratification for potentially greater gains in the future and it's no different in this situation. and i know that no matter how hard i try to make it all work, to the satisfaction of the both of us, it's not. i'm going to end up getting hurt in the end. and i'll only have myself to blame.
perhaps i need to think on this a little while longer. we are going to have coffee on saturday and continue our conversation from dinner tonight. it was a good conversation; probably one of the better ones we've had (not that there have been many to choose from).
here is how i see it: we should continue on the same route but with a little Elvis thrown in for spice. you know, "a little less conversation, a little more action, please." PLEASE!!!!! :)
to be continued....
it would've have been so much easier had we not bumped into each other at starbucks yesterday. we'd have said our goodbyes and we would've moved on. instead, we're back in limbo.
if a friend were relaying my situation to me as their own, i would tell her to walk away and cut her losses. being alone is better than being in a relationship where the terms are being dictated by someone else, in the long run. is it scary that while i fully know that i should just walk away from this relationship now, i don't think i'm going to? that i can foresee great heartbreak in the not-so-distant future and yet it's not deterring me from continuing on my path of self-destruction?
i have never been someone who was able to delay immediate gratification for potentially greater gains in the future and it's no different in this situation. and i know that no matter how hard i try to make it all work, to the satisfaction of the both of us, it's not. i'm going to end up getting hurt in the end. and i'll only have myself to blame.
perhaps i need to think on this a little while longer. we are going to have coffee on saturday and continue our conversation from dinner tonight. it was a good conversation; probably one of the better ones we've had (not that there have been many to choose from).
here is how i see it: we should continue on the same route but with a little Elvis thrown in for spice. you know, "a little less conversation, a little more action, please." PLEASE!!!!! :)
to be continued....
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
serendipity
or at least, a damn spooky coincidence. here was my day...
first thing this morning, despite the fact that in the past few days, i've barred myself from checking e-mails as frequently as i normally do, i couldn't stop myself from checking my e-mail to see if he had sent me something. he had. it was a short note that basically said that he understood that this is how i was dealing with it but he at least expected me to say goodbye. reacting on pure emotion, i e-mailed him back and said, "And I thought you would have been kind enough to at least tell me in person. Take care of yourself. I will miss you." i cried when i sent it off (gawd, i hate hormones!) but i felt so much better after sending it - my heart felt lighter and i actually felt happier than i have since friday. it just goes to show that you really should deal with things the way you (as opposed to someone else) feel like you should deal with things. leaving his e-mail unanswered left me with no closure, although i felt like i was doing the right thing because everyone was unanimous about telling me to leave it be. all of a sudden, life was liveable again and i didn't feel like i was constantly stopping myself from tearing up.
i had a doctor's appointment this morning so i took the bus from my office downtown to the west side at granville & 7th. i was early getting to my appointment (it was at 9:15 - the first one of the morning) but i went in anyway because it was cold and rainy outside. i was out by 9:10. i figured i had lots of time to watch buses go by to see which one would feasibly take me back downtown. as i stood at the crosswalk at 7th and granville, bundled up in my gortex and fleece jackets (hood and all), i looked directly across the street where a green Explorer was parked. i thought, "i'll never be able to look at one of those again without thinking it's him." i crossed granville and then i crossed 7th, passed a new starbucks on the corner. the guy that was walking in front of me veered in the direction of the starbucks and out of the corner of my eye (as my peripheral vision was a bit inhibited with my two hoods), i could see him hesitate as he opened the door. instinctively, i shifted my purse to my other hand.
just then, i don't know if i heard my name (through the layers of the hoods, probably not) or if something else just caught my eye but i turned around to look back at the starbucks door and there he was, standing in the doorway, looking as surprised to see me as i was to see him.
i walked back over to him. he asked me what i was doing there and i told him i was at the doctor's and that i was on my way back to work. he tried to make light of meeting so coincidentally and i started to cry (damn hormones!!!). i don't really remember what we said. a lot; not much at all. i remember telling him that he over reacted to everything which is why things were as hard as they appeared to be. he was mock-insulted. but it's true. i agreed to talk with him about everything at another time and we parted ways.
i can't help but see signs and coincidences wherever i go. the fateful friday morning, i woke up with my stereo alarm playing no doubt's "don't speak". i laughed to myself and thought, "is this a hint?" and so i can't help thinking that seeing him today was somewhat fateful. i could've walked up to broadway to catch the bus instead of down to 5th. of all things, he recognized my shoes and that's how he knew it was me, all bundled up in my rain gear. he decided to go to that starbucks, even though it's across town from where he lives, because it was new and he figured it would be a quiet place to study. spooky.
i don't know what to do. but i guess i'll find out tomorrow.
first thing this morning, despite the fact that in the past few days, i've barred myself from checking e-mails as frequently as i normally do, i couldn't stop myself from checking my e-mail to see if he had sent me something. he had. it was a short note that basically said that he understood that this is how i was dealing with it but he at least expected me to say goodbye. reacting on pure emotion, i e-mailed him back and said, "And I thought you would have been kind enough to at least tell me in person. Take care of yourself. I will miss you." i cried when i sent it off (gawd, i hate hormones!) but i felt so much better after sending it - my heart felt lighter and i actually felt happier than i have since friday. it just goes to show that you really should deal with things the way you (as opposed to someone else) feel like you should deal with things. leaving his e-mail unanswered left me with no closure, although i felt like i was doing the right thing because everyone was unanimous about telling me to leave it be. all of a sudden, life was liveable again and i didn't feel like i was constantly stopping myself from tearing up.
i had a doctor's appointment this morning so i took the bus from my office downtown to the west side at granville & 7th. i was early getting to my appointment (it was at 9:15 - the first one of the morning) but i went in anyway because it was cold and rainy outside. i was out by 9:10. i figured i had lots of time to watch buses go by to see which one would feasibly take me back downtown. as i stood at the crosswalk at 7th and granville, bundled up in my gortex and fleece jackets (hood and all), i looked directly across the street where a green Explorer was parked. i thought, "i'll never be able to look at one of those again without thinking it's him." i crossed granville and then i crossed 7th, passed a new starbucks on the corner. the guy that was walking in front of me veered in the direction of the starbucks and out of the corner of my eye (as my peripheral vision was a bit inhibited with my two hoods), i could see him hesitate as he opened the door. instinctively, i shifted my purse to my other hand.
just then, i don't know if i heard my name (through the layers of the hoods, probably not) or if something else just caught my eye but i turned around to look back at the starbucks door and there he was, standing in the doorway, looking as surprised to see me as i was to see him.
i walked back over to him. he asked me what i was doing there and i told him i was at the doctor's and that i was on my way back to work. he tried to make light of meeting so coincidentally and i started to cry (damn hormones!!!). i don't really remember what we said. a lot; not much at all. i remember telling him that he over reacted to everything which is why things were as hard as they appeared to be. he was mock-insulted. but it's true. i agreed to talk with him about everything at another time and we parted ways.
i can't help but see signs and coincidences wherever i go. the fateful friday morning, i woke up with my stereo alarm playing no doubt's "don't speak". i laughed to myself and thought, "is this a hint?" and so i can't help thinking that seeing him today was somewhat fateful. i could've walked up to broadway to catch the bus instead of down to 5th. of all things, he recognized my shoes and that's how he knew it was me, all bundled up in my rain gear. he decided to go to that starbucks, even though it's across town from where he lives, because it was new and he figured it would be a quiet place to study. spooky.
i don't know what to do. but i guess i'll find out tomorrow.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
admissions
ok, i admit it. i am going to be sad about this for awhile. i know i shouldn't be but you can't reason with something as unreasonable as emotions.
i thought nothing could feel worse than still feeling crappy about my relationship that ended FOUR YEARS AGO. i was wrong. he is actually not a much better person, behaviour-wise, than my ex was. i think it is just because when we were together, just hanging out or out on "couple night", he was so attentive. he loved to kiss me and hug me and tell me how good i looked. he called me those stupid, sappy nicknames i never thought i'd allow myself to be referred to as and i loved it. he made me laugh. he'd stop by my work during the day on his way somewhere just to give me a kiss and a hug. he talked about our future together - we even decided how many kids we were going to have and playfully argued about what we were going to name them (that was a little much but in the foggy haze that is infatuation, it was okay - now that i type it out, i think i may retch.). he played the role of adoring and doting BF to a tee. and i really thought that all of the above would make up for all of the below. and some days, it did.
but really, we never talked. well, he talked and if i talked, he never listened (or retained anything i said for longer than five seconds). we didn't really have conversations on the phone - they were mostly just "check-in" sessions. hell, we never really had conversations in person. i never met any of his friends and when he was on the phone with one of them (which seemed to be all the time when we were hanging out together), he would just say that he was "out already", but he would never say with whom. he would always talk about where he was going to take me ("I know this great jazz club I'm going to take you to" or "You haven't tried that restaurant? It's really good - I'll take you there") or what he was going to buy ("Oh, the M3 - I was so close to buying that in the summer" or "I love this neighbourhood - I was going to buy a place here" - and that was in pretty much every neighbourhood we drove through) or where he was going to go ("I'm going to spend some time in Japan - are you coming with me?" or "I'm definitely selling all my stuff and we're going to live in Europe for at least a year - what countries are on the top of your list?").
but nothing ever changed. no jazz clubs were visited or cars bought or tickets booked. hell, we talked about going away for the weekend for the past four weeks and nothing ever came of it.
this is not a bad thing that has happened. i know that i am far better off without him than i would be with him. it's reconciling that thought with the loneliness that has settled back into its regular spot somewhere in the bottom of my heart that is making this much more difficult than it really should be.
i thought nothing could feel worse than still feeling crappy about my relationship that ended FOUR YEARS AGO. i was wrong. he is actually not a much better person, behaviour-wise, than my ex was. i think it is just because when we were together, just hanging out or out on "couple night", he was so attentive. he loved to kiss me and hug me and tell me how good i looked. he called me those stupid, sappy nicknames i never thought i'd allow myself to be referred to as and i loved it. he made me laugh. he'd stop by my work during the day on his way somewhere just to give me a kiss and a hug. he talked about our future together - we even decided how many kids we were going to have and playfully argued about what we were going to name them (that was a little much but in the foggy haze that is infatuation, it was okay - now that i type it out, i think i may retch.). he played the role of adoring and doting BF to a tee. and i really thought that all of the above would make up for all of the below. and some days, it did.
but really, we never talked. well, he talked and if i talked, he never listened (or retained anything i said for longer than five seconds). we didn't really have conversations on the phone - they were mostly just "check-in" sessions. hell, we never really had conversations in person. i never met any of his friends and when he was on the phone with one of them (which seemed to be all the time when we were hanging out together), he would just say that he was "out already", but he would never say with whom. he would always talk about where he was going to take me ("I know this great jazz club I'm going to take you to" or "You haven't tried that restaurant? It's really good - I'll take you there") or what he was going to buy ("Oh, the M3 - I was so close to buying that in the summer" or "I love this neighbourhood - I was going to buy a place here" - and that was in pretty much every neighbourhood we drove through) or where he was going to go ("I'm going to spend some time in Japan - are you coming with me?" or "I'm definitely selling all my stuff and we're going to live in Europe for at least a year - what countries are on the top of your list?").
but nothing ever changed. no jazz clubs were visited or cars bought or tickets booked. hell, we talked about going away for the weekend for the past four weeks and nothing ever came of it.
this is not a bad thing that has happened. i know that i am far better off without him than i would be with him. it's reconciling that thought with the loneliness that has settled back into its regular spot somewhere in the bottom of my heart that is making this much more difficult than it really should be.
empty again
i was with a group of friends tonight, having a "going away" dinner for one of the group that is moving away. it was a lot of fun until we were passing around her going away gift - a photo album of all the pictures we've accumulated in the two years we've known each other. one picture was at another friend's wedding this past summer - the one where i met him. the picture was a candid of my friend, him and me and he was saying something to her. the look on my face was prophetic and everyone laughed when they saw it - i looked like i was thinking, "are you kidding me? what are you - stupid?" it was funny but at the same time, it started to make me really sad. there was another picture from our recent trip to whistler where we were all in the shot (another candid) and he was in the corner of the picture, just his profile, probably during his turn in the "clay-off".
and, despite my best efforts not to, i cried all the way home. which was actually not smart since it was very dark and the roads were very slick and it was the back roads of surrey. and i wasn't crying over him - i could give you a long list of reasons why i know he isn't right for me. but i did cry for what i lost, which is the other half of what made me part of that exclusive club that i so miss belonging to. it was hard seeing michelle and carl at the table tonight, just because the last time i was with them was probably the night the four of us went for dinner and then went back to their house to watch "team america". one of our "couple nights". i know i'm pathetic but i'm also PMSing so i have somewhat of an excuse. :)
i'm feeling very sorry for myself right now. all those pathetic thoughts are running through my head... like that i'll never meet anyone else...or that i'm going to swear off dating forever...or that there really is something wrong with me. the first two i know are just reactionary thoughts. the last, i'm not so sure about right now.
and, despite my best efforts not to, i cried all the way home. which was actually not smart since it was very dark and the roads were very slick and it was the back roads of surrey. and i wasn't crying over him - i could give you a long list of reasons why i know he isn't right for me. but i did cry for what i lost, which is the other half of what made me part of that exclusive club that i so miss belonging to. it was hard seeing michelle and carl at the table tonight, just because the last time i was with them was probably the night the four of us went for dinner and then went back to their house to watch "team america". one of our "couple nights". i know i'm pathetic but i'm also PMSing so i have somewhat of an excuse. :)
i'm feeling very sorry for myself right now. all those pathetic thoughts are running through my head... like that i'll never meet anyone else...or that i'm going to swear off dating forever...or that there really is something wrong with me. the first two i know are just reactionary thoughts. the last, i'm not so sure about right now.
Friday, November 04, 2005
i dated a woman
or at least, a woman disguised as a linebacker. he broke up with me today. i'd sent him an email last night that basically aired out my issue with him in a roundabout way. i told him how i didn't appreciate how he flaked out on plans with me because, basically, he'd find something else to do or when he was with me, how it felt like he'd rather be somewhere else. he phoned me at work this morning and demanded i elaborate "what he did wrong now". i told him we would talk about it later and he repeated that he wanted to know. so i gave him a very short version and then he said, "ok, we'll talk about this later" and hung up. about an hour later, i checked my home e-mail and he had sent me a message with the subject line "i'm sorry". i read the first line and it said, "i'm sorry to do this in an email..." and i thought, "what a pussy. at least i was going to do it in person."
i spent the rest of the day laughing internally (both out of disgust and out of the sheer ridiculousness of the whole situation) and externally, actually, whenever i thought about it.
while i don't plan on even returning the e-mail, it does bother me because he accused me of being insensitive (!?!) for "blaming" him for the situation we were in.
the man is a bit delusional. and the BIGGEST DRAMA QUEEN i've ever met. he said that relationships shouldn't be this hard at the beginning. i'm thinking that if he didn't jump to conclusions and make everything a huge production, it probably wouldn't be hard. it would probably be quite simple, actually.
how much do you want to be that he's going to get back with the ex? i think his over-reaction to this last "issue" was just a ruse. and i bet you that phone call had a little somethin' somethin' to do with it.
ok. i'm done. :)
i spent the rest of the day laughing internally (both out of disgust and out of the sheer ridiculousness of the whole situation) and externally, actually, whenever i thought about it.
while i don't plan on even returning the e-mail, it does bother me because he accused me of being insensitive (!?!) for "blaming" him for the situation we were in.
the man is a bit delusional. and the BIGGEST DRAMA QUEEN i've ever met. he said that relationships shouldn't be this hard at the beginning. i'm thinking that if he didn't jump to conclusions and make everything a huge production, it probably wouldn't be hard. it would probably be quite simple, actually.
how much do you want to be that he's going to get back with the ex? i think his over-reaction to this last "issue" was just a ruse. and i bet you that phone call had a little somethin' somethin' to do with it.
ok. i'm done. :)
Thursday, November 03, 2005
36 going on 3
if i was certain he'd never phone me again, i think it would hurt like hell for a few days but then i'd get over it. it's the fact that things are up in the air (yet again) that is bothering me.
why does he have to be such a child? and a hypocrite? he can make plans without me on the same day we've talked about doing something together but i can't?
perhaps this relationship has run its course. two "misunderstandings" in less than two months? that's two more than i would like and both were turned around on me and made my fault. if i were a stronger person, i'd end this RFN.
unfortunately for me, i'm not as strong as i like to pretend i am. i can talk the talk but when it comes down to it, i'm about as tough as jell-o. that's sitting outside. in the sun. under the sprinkler.
why does he have to be such a child? and a hypocrite? he can make plans without me on the same day we've talked about doing something together but i can't?
perhaps this relationship has run its course. two "misunderstandings" in less than two months? that's two more than i would like and both were turned around on me and made my fault. if i were a stronger person, i'd end this RFN.
unfortunately for me, i'm not as strong as i like to pretend i am. i can talk the talk but when it comes down to it, i'm about as tough as jell-o. that's sitting outside. in the sun. under the sprinkler.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
deja vu?
my last LTR began unraveling when i realized he was still in regular contact with his ex-girlfriend. i don't know if they hung out (i'm sure they did) but i know they e-mailed and talked on the phone. when i first confronted him about it, he told me he wouldn't let it affect our relationship and if it bothered me that much, he would do something about it. he never did. in fact, when i confronted him about it again a year or so later, he told me that i was paranoid and he wasn't going to stop talking to a friend because i was being insecure. (he wasn't a very nice guy, in hindsight).
anyhoo, jump forward to the present and to my current beau. today we were at my house watching the hockey game. his phone rang and he scoffed when he saw the caller. then, he showed me his call display and said, "wanna say hi to your buddy?" it was his ex. i was so tempted to grab the phone out of his hand and say hello. in hindsight, maybe i should've. that would've shown him not to mess with me! :) anyway, she left a message. and i struggled as to whether or not i would say anything to him about it.
on the one hand, it did bother me. why is she calling him? has he told her he's seeing someone else? he doesn't need to tell her he's dating me but it would be nice if she knew that he wasn't waiting around for her anymore. and why does he still have her phone number in his phone? he just got a new phone a couple of weeks ago so he would have had to physically input her name and phone number into this new phone. so it's in there on purpose. WTF? and why, if he couldn't stand to be with her romantically anymore, is it okay now that they are just "friends"? i never understood why couples who break up insist on keeping in touch. no, i do understand because i did it too. i remained "friends" with my ex for a good month because where else was i going to get laid? find and break-in someone new? no thanks! so is that why they're still "in touch"? so they can reach out and touch each other if the drunken mood strikes? i say to you again - WTF?
on the other hand, i think i wanted to freak out and confront him because that's the way i've always done it. i've always been irrational and suspicious and accusatory. so i wanted to react that way by habit, but not necessarily because i felt like something was going on. it's not like he's hiding the fact that she phoned him. and in fact, he said he did it because he didn't want me to think he was hiding something from me. but he did say that they still "talk". whatever that means.
when he left, he asked me, "it doesn't bother you that she called me, does it?" the old me would've said, "no, not at all," and then freaked out on him later, either in an e-mail or in a totally unrelated situation. the new me said, "yes, it does, actually." point blank, no whining or accusing. he said, "you know there's no way i'll ever get back with her, don't you?" and i said, "no, i don't." it was somewhat comforting that he tried to assure me that he wouldn't get back together with her but at the same time, we're talking about two people who were together for six years and found a way to break up and get back together numerous times in those six years. how can he know that for sure? particularly if she actually doesn't know that he's dating someone new. i mean, really - whose feelings are more important to him? mine or hers?
but, the new me says that if he really wants to be with her, then he will. and like all the other heart breaks i've suffered, i will survive.
anyhoo, jump forward to the present and to my current beau. today we were at my house watching the hockey game. his phone rang and he scoffed when he saw the caller. then, he showed me his call display and said, "wanna say hi to your buddy?" it was his ex. i was so tempted to grab the phone out of his hand and say hello. in hindsight, maybe i should've. that would've shown him not to mess with me! :) anyway, she left a message. and i struggled as to whether or not i would say anything to him about it.
on the one hand, it did bother me. why is she calling him? has he told her he's seeing someone else? he doesn't need to tell her he's dating me but it would be nice if she knew that he wasn't waiting around for her anymore. and why does he still have her phone number in his phone? he just got a new phone a couple of weeks ago so he would have had to physically input her name and phone number into this new phone. so it's in there on purpose. WTF? and why, if he couldn't stand to be with her romantically anymore, is it okay now that they are just "friends"? i never understood why couples who break up insist on keeping in touch. no, i do understand because i did it too. i remained "friends" with my ex for a good month because where else was i going to get laid? find and break-in someone new? no thanks! so is that why they're still "in touch"? so they can reach out and touch each other if the drunken mood strikes? i say to you again - WTF?
on the other hand, i think i wanted to freak out and confront him because that's the way i've always done it. i've always been irrational and suspicious and accusatory. so i wanted to react that way by habit, but not necessarily because i felt like something was going on. it's not like he's hiding the fact that she phoned him. and in fact, he said he did it because he didn't want me to think he was hiding something from me. but he did say that they still "talk". whatever that means.
when he left, he asked me, "it doesn't bother you that she called me, does it?" the old me would've said, "no, not at all," and then freaked out on him later, either in an e-mail or in a totally unrelated situation. the new me said, "yes, it does, actually." point blank, no whining or accusing. he said, "you know there's no way i'll ever get back with her, don't you?" and i said, "no, i don't." it was somewhat comforting that he tried to assure me that he wouldn't get back together with her but at the same time, we're talking about two people who were together for six years and found a way to break up and get back together numerous times in those six years. how can he know that for sure? particularly if she actually doesn't know that he's dating someone new. i mean, really - whose feelings are more important to him? mine or hers?
but, the new me says that if he really wants to be with her, then he will. and like all the other heart breaks i've suffered, i will survive.
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