cold

i just spent the evening with MGF. i met him at his office (i wondered about that, actually. i walked up to the receptionist and said, "i'm here to see Mr. MGF. i'm a little early, though so don't worry if you don't catch him in his office." and then i sat there and read my book. i'm sure she thought i was a client or something until he walked up to me with is bag and said, "what, are you applying for a job?" and then we walked out together like it was no big thing. the GF works there too, is what i'm sayin'). he was gruuuumppppy! he could've warned me. actually, the whole evening was rather sullen. we usually spend a couple of hours talking and laughing and trash talking and tonight was sombre, sad and almost sentimental conversation. i asked him how things were going with the GF (not that i really wanted to know but i thought i should ask - don't ask, it's a me-thing). he said they had gotten into a huge fight and weren't really speaking. apparently, she had done a lingerie internet fashion show on the weekend or last week or something and he tuned in to watch - bad idea. he told her that if she wanted to continue to do stuff like that in her spare time, then he didn't want to see her anymore. yikes. so, they are at a low point in their relationship.

last week, i was talking to Baby Man about how he though i could approach the whole "backup" thing with MGF. he said at this point, it couldn't be done. well, the opportunity lent itself tonight and i didn't ask him. i even asked him if he had a backup and he said that he hadn't thought about it. i told him i used to have a backup but i don't anymore. and yet i didn't ask him if he would be mine. maybe i thought it would be weird.

the weird thing is, i can honestly say that - as a friend - i love him. i value his friendship very much. and yet there is only, maybe 5% that wants to be with him in more than just a friendship. truthfully, i think we'd be great together and yet there's something missing. anyway.

on another (sad) note, my OC is back from his holidays. he was very tired as he just got in last night so perhaps i should give him the benefit of the doubt. first day back, lots of e-mails to catch up on, etc. but he barely acknowledged me today (except when i was holding the baby...one of the girls on mat leave brought her 4 week old in - again- and they convinced me to hold him. i don't like holding newborns as a rule but mostly because i don't like the hand-off, floppy heads and all. but he was just fine with me and started to fall asleep the minute i held him. but i digress). maybe i am over him. and oddly enough, that makes me sad.

on the baby-tip, Baby Man brought his baby man in one day and i was standing in the hallway with the baby - he was about 6 months at the time so he was getting to the "fun" age. anyway, i was holding him and bouncing him around, cooing, etc. just being the total dork i am with kids, and i happened to glance over in the direction of my OC's office and, even though i wasn't in his direct line of sight, he had obviously been watching me and had the cutest smile on his face (my OC, not the baby...although the baby was right there with him). he had that same look today when he was leaning over to look at the newborn as i was holding him. i think we'd have pretty babies.

but i'm not there anymore. and all it took was three weeks. i thought about him the entire three weeks and now that's he's back, i don't think i even want to bother anymore.

p.s. done with the online dating. did i mention that the last time i wrote?

giant leap

let me tell you a story.

first, some background: my friend asked me a few months ago if i could recommend a good divorce lawyer in town as her parents, who have been separated for most of her 24 years, have finally decided to make it legal and get a divorce. naturally, i suggested a lawyer at my firm but i wanted to give her a couple of other alternatives. so, i asked my boss, the Ninja, if he knew of any good family law lawyers (he doesn't practice it himself). he gave me a couple of names and then said, "Joe Smith - he's the one I'd use."

further background to my story... the Ninja has marital problems. serious, serious marital problems. i don't think he knows that i know, but i do.

jump to the present. the Ninja has been very moody lately - kind of sad, tense and a host of other emotions that i've picked up on. we Cancers are very sensitive to other people's feelings and his moods have been killing me lately. he's just been so sad. i finally asked him last week, "are you stressed?" and he said, "yes." and i said, "is there something i can help with?" and he said, "no, it's all self-imposed."

today, he sends me an e-mail and asks me, "does the firm get discounted rates at any of the local hotels around here? if so, can you find out how much?" he has no files that i know of that require clients or witnesses to be put up in a hotel. but then again, he lives out in the valley and commutes every day so i thought, perhaps, he was looking for an alternative to working late (as if!) and then driving home in the late hours in the dark.

the sealer of the paranoid deal for me was as he was leaving today. he said, "ok, i have a dinner meeting with the Board guy. can you do me a favor before you leave today?" dutifully, i say, "sure". he looks skyward and i swear his voice cracked slightly as he asked me, "can you e-mail me Joe Smith's number?"

holy F.

boys!

MGF responded to a harmless e-mail i had sent him on friday afternoon, after i had seen him at the call ceremony. he finishes his response with, "You looked hot today according to one of my friends. I told him that I nailed you, even if it isn't true - it's a guy thing, sorry." i had to laugh. we traded a few responses back and forth, mostly about whether his friend was hot and whether he was married. i kept pestering him to tell me more, send me his picture, etc. i don't know why i needed to know; i just did. at one point he said, "If it helps, I thought you looked amazing too." i responded with a heartfelt, "thanks, it did help." his final e-mail before i logged off today was, "If you're really thankful, you'll send me naked pictures. I'll be sure to forward them onto my friend. Ha, ha, hee, hee." boys.

however, he didn't specify naked pictures of whom. :)

maybe it IS me

i went out on a brunch date with a guy i met online. we've been trading e-mails for a number of weeks (a no-no for me) and finally managed to find a mutually convenient date for ... well, a date.

from his first e-mail to me, which detailed the recent breakup of his 13 year marriage, i had my doubts as to whether he would be someone i wanted to even meet. he's a bit older than me - he just turned 41 - which was also a bit of a concern. and if it wasn't the narrative of his divorce that put me on red alert, it was his mention of the fact the had attended several Tony Robbins seminars in the past few years. not that there's anything wrong with that. he's also considers himself a Buddhist (he's caucasian, not that there's anything wrong with that) and went to all events concerning the Dalai Lama last weekend or the weekend before. in fact, he was a few minutes late for our date because he had to run down to Wal-Mart to buy a VCR because his broke and there was a show on the Dalai Lama on TV today that he wanted to watch. ok. but, his pictures were cute and he seemed nice enough in his e-mails (albeit wordy), so i thought i would give it a shot.

the two voicemails he left me over the past week were normal. nice voice, didn't ramble. when i spoke with him on the phone on saturday night, he sounded fine. he almost insisted that he pick me up for our date (he lives in langley and we were going to south surrey for brunch at northlands golf & country club - home of the PGA tour, thanks very much). i told him it would be fine by me if i just met him there since it didn't make sense that he drive all the way out to pick me up, only to drive all the way back to where he started from. i think it was just an "old-fashioned" thing to suggest, which i appreciate, but i had no idea whether he was a serial killer or not. and then he kept suggesting that we go for a walk at the pier in white rock after brunch, if i was feeling comfortable.

i won't detail the date but i will summarize my thoughts - he's a really nice guy. boyishly cute, very successful businessman, seems very grounded, generally a happy person. yet he came across (to me) as a bit of a fruitcake (and not in the gender-specific way). it's not that he preached what he learned at his Tony Robbins seminars, because he didn't. it's not that he was loopy or did weird things at brunch, because he didn't. but the overall package... he was dressed in a hawaiian shirt, shorts, runners and white athletic socks...yes, pulled up. he pressed his hands together and bowed at me when i walked up to meet him. he was severely encroaching on my personal space, which he warned me about but i didn't realize he would be such a frequent offender. he did this weird sort of audible breath intake thing at the end of some of his sentences. he crinkled his face at me when he smiled after saying something about himself. and then he bailed on the pier walk idea (which was fine because i was going to bail on it anyway).

i don't know that he'll call me again and i don't know whether i want him to. he was a good hugger (he said i was too and went in for a second one, which i gladly gave) but i can't see myself as anymore than friends with him. not that we have anything in common enough to be friends.

i know i'm a little slow but i think i've realized why most of the guys i like but aren't attracted to are not my friends - we just don't have anything in common. it's arguable that i have anything in common with MGF, for example, but for some reason, we manage to stay in touch and fairly regularly. heck, i see him more often than i see my good friends from school. i wonder what the motivation is.

incidentally, i saw him at the call ceremony at the law courts on friday afternoon. i don't know that he was surprised to see me but he hugged me twice. he knows Baby Man (they said hey and shook hands). odd, because i talk about MGF with Baby Man. and it turns out they know each other. spooky.

serious mad crush

i just finished watching "House". how can an old guy be so hot?

my cousin says it's the character - the ascerbic, loner doctor whom you know has the capacity to love and be loved yet doesn't allow himself because he's been hurt so he dedicates himself to his work. i believe that.

yet, i saw hugh laurie on "Ellen" the other day and ... still sexy. i think it's the scruffiness factor too. and the british accent. and he's tall. and has blue eyes. and that one-sided half-smile. and he plays tortured so well.

the part in the show tonight where he's eye-flirting with the almost-18 year old girl... rrrrr. he can eye-flirt with me anyday. yow!

more flirting?

MGF and i have been e-mail chatting for the past couple of work days. i am only surprised because we never do it. usually i send him some sort of information e-mail and then he asked how things are, i tell him and then ask him how things are, he tells me and then suggest we meet for coffee. we figure out a date and then don't chat again until the day of, whenever that happens to be.

friday and then again today, we spent the whole day e-mailing each other. and again today, he says something like, "i would love the day when you call me and say, i've met the guy of my dreams - be happy for me. and truthfully, i would be happy for you and i look forward to when i can share that happiness with you." WTF?

i asked Baby Man what he thought of that and he said, in all seriousness, "he obviously cares about you and wants you to be happy, even if it means it's not with him." and then he said, "it's a good thing for you. i think you should go for it. get in between him and his girlfriend ... figuratively speaking, of course." then we started talking about my OC.

he and i had this conversation last week that turned to my OC's sexual orientation. Baby Man has come up with a plan wherein we will test his theory by me seducing my OC. my deadline is the Christmas party. i have not agreed to this plan...but i like it :)

handy woman

i fixed my oven lock. after some banging on the latch with the hammer and poking around the spring with the screwdriver, i finally decided to use the pliers and bent the damn latch up so the oven door can close. i can't lock it anymore but it's not like it matters - who's going to open the oven door if it's in cleaning mode?

hmmm

MGF and i had a bit of an e-mail exchange today, after i forwarded him an excerpt from an impaired driving charge defence. he asked me in a P.S. how things were going with the guy he dropped me off with the night before. i told him that i had ended it. this started our usual cheeky exchange but at the end, he said something something to the effect of, "i'm really sorry it didn't work out with this guy. i know you weren't interested in him but i was hoping he would be someone who would make you happy. i guess i will be your sounding board for guy problems for a little while longer." i know it sounds a bit backhanded but he meant well and i appreciated it.

in the midst of other e-mails, we touched on my project for him wherein i am to arrange a threesome for him (his GF has allowed him one freebie). this project, as we both know fully know, is a farce. it will never happen. but it's always fun to talk about. so i sent him an e-mail that said, "just out of curiosity, what is your age limit or do you have one? what do you think, maybe one cougar and one kitten, just for variety's sake?" he e-mailed me back, "i laughed so hard when i read the part about the kitten. so, are you the cougar then?" har har. i e-mailed back with a final, "i fancy myself more as the kitten - meow."

at least i've had some flirty e-mail exchange this week.

how am i supposed to cook?

i broke the lock on my oven door. i was making french fries and thought i'd try out the lock while i was waiting. it worked too well. something snapped inside and locked the door permanently. so i did some "work" and managed to force the handle back to the unlocked position...except the latch is still in the latched position. so, i can open my oven door but i can't close it all the way now. think about all of the wonderful things i am missing out on making because i broke the lock! i was going to try and make spanakopita this weekend. and i just bought two huge bags of french fries (2 for $8.00!). i loathe having to call a repair guy to come in and fix it but i'm sure it'll cost me less than buying a new oven, not that i can afford a new oven right now. not that i can really afford to buy the food that goes in the oven right now. i need to stay off e-bay.

stuck

how can you tell whether you're being too picky or whether you're just not attracted to someone?

none of the guys i've met and been out with this time around on my dating site have made me want to make any effort to get to know them better or want to see them more often than when they phone me and say, "do you want to get together again?" to be polite, i always just say yes, and then try to find excuses as to why i have to cancel at the last minute.

there have been ones that i've had a seemingly mutual interest in getting to know, but they never call when they say they will nor do they respond to my "feeler" follow-up e-mails to say i enjoyed our coffee. and it doesn't bother me.

it's like my ability to feel anything for anyone is temporarily out of order. but the guilt i feel for not feeling anything is still very much there. i don't get it.

like the guy i went out with after my coffee with MGF. he e-mailed me that night to apologize for the abrupt goodbye and told me that he wanted to hug me goodbye because i smelled good but he didn't because the train came right away and he realized that if he left right then, he could catch his bus home. he told me that he thought i always looked good (elegant and stylish is what he actually said). then, he phoned and left a message for me last saturday night, saying the same thing and also apologizing for putting me on the spot when he said he wasn't seeing anyone else. he is still on two other dating sites and he still checks them regularly (so why isn't he seeing anyone else??). on paper, a great guy - nice, intersting stories, polite, well groomed. but in person, a bit dry and doesn't really seem all that interested. i don't know. am i wrong for not being attracted to him?

is there something wrong with me for wanting more than what these guys i've been meeting have to offer? am i wrong for not giving them more of a chance to show me what they can offer? i've always been a big believer in the first few impressions but then again, i was wrong when it came to MGF. i never thought he'd want to settle down and that's why i stopped dating him and yet a year later, he's got a girlfriend and i'm still single.

i think i'll go for a walk tomorrow at lunch and smile at people. let's see where that gets me.

sour grapes

once again, i had a fantastic time with MGF tonight. i met him at his office (there was a misunderstanding as to where we were supposed to meet - he meant i should come upstairs and meet him at reception and i thought we were going to meet where we always do in the lobby of his office building. a mock argument ensued and a bet was laid. i think he was unclear as to his instructions but we'll see tomorrow.). we walked to his apartment because he wanted to change his shoes (they were new and his feet hurt). we got to his apartment and we chatted while he changed out of his work clothes (he always keeps the door open, the little perv). he suggested we go to McD's for ice cream. i jumped on that bandwagon pretty quickly. we walked and talked. stood in line and talked. i stood back and let him order, watching the cashier flirt shameless with him (in front of me, how rude!) while he was completely oblivious ("how many ketchups would you like?" moan, moan, wink, wink). we sat on the library steps, as we always do, had an impromptu picnic and people watched. we talked. while i don't know how the subject even came up, he complimented me on how i looked ("you look amazing today. black is a really good color on you."). then i mentioned to him that i had a date after i met with him. we talked about it and he chastized me for agreeing to go out with someone when i had no real feelings for him. i was thisclose to standing my date up and spending the rest of the evening with MGF.

he offered to drive me to the date because i would've been late otherwise (actually, he said, "let me drop you off where he can see me and you can tell him i was your 5 o'clock!"). as we walked back to his apartment, and i verbally agonized over why i was going out with the guy i was about to go out with, MGF said, "why don't you just tell him you met someone? tell him that you've met someone that you want to get to know better." and i said, without really thinking, "you mean, what i told you?"

as the words came tumbling out of my mouth, i looked at his face. he sort of smiled as he realized the truth to what i had just said but he didn't look at me. i tried to make light of it, laughed and gave him a hug as we were walking, and he laughed and said, "oh, don't touch me now!" i managed to save some face by saying, "well, i obviously picked the wrong guy back then, now didn't i?"

i love being with him. i feel we get along so well. i'd like to think that eventually, one day, we'll end up together but i don't think it will be that way. a combination of bad timing and poor frame of mind (the latter on my part) prevented us from forming more than just a friendship and i think bad timing and circumstance will prevail. i know it's not positive thinking but at this point, it's not going to happen.

c'est la vie. zut alors!

done.

i am emotionally burned out. i think that's the best way to describe it. i would literally like to just hibernate for about a month or two - no socializing, no phone calls, no chatting, no online dates, no going out. just me in my apartment, reading or writing or pondering the meaning of life. alone. by myself.

it kind of scares me when i get like this. i mean, i'm fully aware of it so it can't be all that bad. and it's not as though i haven't been on the phone or visited with my friends this weekend. but just the thought of having to converse and be interested in someone i know i'm not interested it - that takes too much energy. i've already let one of my online potentials know i'm not interested. i only have a few more to go. maybe i'm not ready. maybe i really am too picky.

there's this lady at work who has been talking about setting me up with her son's friend. i'm open to it but today, i asked her, "how tall is he?" and she said, "oh, not tall. average, i guess." she said not much taller than my OC, who (if he didn't slouch) is still only about 5'10". i responded with an, "oh." and she said, "oh, this girl. you are picky. no wonder you haven't met anyone!" that may be so, but i don't think that makes me wrong. i mean, one of the guys i'm "dating" right now told me how much he weighs. it turns out (although i didn't say anything but in hindsight, perhaps i should've), i weigh 5 lbs more than he does. that freaking sucks. perhaps that's when i lost interest. and i know that's not much but how many men do you know want to weigh less than their significant others? and how many women want to be physically larger than the guy they are dating? if that makes me shallow, then call me a puddle.

i hate it when they try to figure out everything we have in common. maybe i really don't like them but it just irritates me. i don't want someone exactly like me - i need someone who's different from me but can appreciate what i have to offer (and vice versa). great, you like to stay home and do nothing on your days off? that's a selling point, isn't it? you're really going to encourage me to be more than what i am.

fuck i'm cranky. i'm going to bed.

p.s. coffee with MGF tomorrow (assuming he doesn't reschedule again). i'm looking forward to seeing him, just not the date i have afterwards.

before sunset

there was a delightfully refreshing moving that came out in 1994 or 1995 called "before sunrise". it starred ethan hawke and a french actress/singer named julie delpy. if you don't know it, the story is of these two young people who meet on a train heading to vienna. she is on her way home to france from budapest and he is stopping in vienna to catch a flight home to america. after chatting on the train, he convinces her to stop in vienna and kill time with him while he waits for his flight home the next morning. she agrees. they spend the evening wandering the streets of vienna, taking in local culture but mostly, talking. i loved this movie because it wasn't your typical love story set-up. anyway, they part and vow to meet in vienna six months later.

in 2004 or 2005, they released the sequel to the movie called "before sunset". it takes place 10 years after their parting in vienna (while the girl doesn't look too much older than the 10 years that have elapsed between the making of the movie and the time in the movie itself, ethan hawke looks like hell - he looks about 30 years older). he is now a successful writer who is stopping in paris on the last leg of his book tour. she is an environmental activist who lives in paris and comes to his book signing, hoping that he will remember her. he does. they spend the movie wandering the streets of paris, talking about their lives since their last meeting, and what their lives would have been like had they actually met up when they said they were going to (he showed up; she had to go to her grandmother's funeral; he wrote the book about the night they spent together in vienna). i loved that they took up the story 10 years later, and 10 years after the last movie was released. real time, real aging (at least on julie delpy's part; what the heck happened to ethan hawke???).

i tell you about this because both movies were shown last night on tv, back-to-back. i didn't watch the first one (truthfully, i have both on DVD) but i caught the second one just as he was doing his book signing at the paris bookstore and he sees her for the first time. the first time i watched the second movie, i don't remember what kind of headspace i was in but i cried at the end - not because it was sad and not because it was happy. i don't remember why. so, i watched the second movie again last night because i wanted to see what would happen. and i cried at the exact same spot. and it wasn't a happy or a sad cry. mournful, i think would be a better description.

it's the part in the movie where jesse and celine are riding in the car, driving celine home on his way to the airport to leave her for the second time. they are finally talking, discussing, airing out their feelings about their parting and what their lives might have been like had they met up again in vienna like they planned. when i was watching it last night, i started to get emotional when celine starts to lose it slightly and starts talking about how much she's been hurt in relationships and how now, she feels like she's unable to really love anyone. how every guy she dates ends up marrying the next woman he dates after her. the last emotional straw for me is when jesse tells her about his marriage and how he's tried everything he could to save it and the only reason he's in it is because of his little boy. he says that he doesn't want to get divorced at 52 because he realizes he never really loved his wife at all. and then he says that his idea of romantic love was never the same after the night he spent with celine in vienna. that he's never been able to feel the same way about anyone since then.

this one scene makes me realize that no matter how well you think you've dealt with your emotions in the past, there's always something left over that is going to be tweaked by the most unlikely thing and you'll have to deal with it, albeit on a smaller scale, all over again. to write this entry, i watched the scene again. and it made me cry again. and as the movie demonstrates, memory and emotions are powerful things, even if you're uncertain which one is driving the other.

breakthrough

last night, as i tried to get to sleep with a million and one things on my mind, an idea for a story came to me. it was just the premise and i only managed to get the first two paragraphs written at 11:30 last night but it's something. i'm inspired. i'm writing again.

not in the mood for criticism

i just need a pep talk.

i'm sitting here crying (finally). part of me is thinking, "i don't understand why he doesn't like me." before you roll your eyes at me, another part of me is thinking, "you have no less than four guys who are looking to see you again. why are you so hung up on this one?" why? i know why. i just don't understand why. why?

why do i not believe i deserve better than my OC?

why am i so focused on getting him to like me (as a friend or otherwise) that i feel nothing towards these four very nice guys that are asking me out on second and third dates?

why am i not allowing myself to emotionally distance myself from him?

OMG, does all of this really stem from childhood? a psychological need to be accepted? i know i'm like that - but why am i making special efforts for him? i just don't get it.

if you are going to respond in an e-mail, then tell me something i don't already know about this stupid, emotionally one-sided situation i've trapped myself in. can't think of anything new? then don't say anything. just pray that i come to my senses soon. did i tell you that A has already moved out of her love nest and back in with her sister? it seems like the break has happened sooner than anyone thought.

i got three e-mails today from former co-workers, forwarding a memo from the big boss at the AG's office that paralegals will be "tested out" in an 18-month long pilot project. i also learned today that i am still being covered under my old work's medical plan, even though it's been at least a year since i've paid any premiums and at least three years since they have. it's almost like it's a sign: the mother ship is calling me home.

on a similar note, my Mentor said to me today, "they may hire another paralegal to help me and take on all of the Ninja's stuff." i just smiled and nodded but internally, i was thinking, "WTF? i'm a freaking paralegal and i work for the Ninja! why do they need to hire someone else? if anything, they need to hire another secretary to take on my stuff so i can start doing what i was trained to do!" mother ship, indeed.

strange things are afoot at the circle K. is it a full moon?

the blahs

is anyone monitoring the days i feel "blah"? it's starting to feel like it's more often, or perhaps the days are starting to run together.

it was one of those days when i stopped at one point and thought, "how did i get to work today?" i didn't feel like flirting with my OC. i didn't feel like standing and conversing at reception. i wanted to just sit in my chair and spin. i feel very indifferent today. like, if the world were to end tomorrow, it wouldn't make a difference to me. it didn't matter whether i ate or not. it didn't matter whether i went home or not. and even though my neck and shoulders are hurting again, it doesn't seem to matter if i get an appointment with an MT or not. heck, i'm not even overthinking anything right now. yes, indifference has set in, at least today.

i figure it's because i had such a busy weekend. i was non-stop from friday 'til last night. i don't even have the TV on right now. no music. nothing. i've been sitting on my couch, staring at the wall for a good 15 minutes. i'd actually like to go to sleep. maybe i should.

i don't even think crying would help. you know, sometimes you just need to cry. i don't even want to watch my sure-fire crying aid - imagine me, indifferent to seeing Ryan Gosling in "The Notebook". i can't even use exclamation points right now.

blah.

pest from the past

picture it: i was sitting at my desk on friday afternoon, working away. my phone rings. it's a transferred call from the switchboard. i have a couple of messages that i had left in the morning, plus one of my lawyers is out of town but in contact by phone. i answer and i hear, "hi." it's not a voice i immediately recognize so i wait a brief second for him to follow up with, "i'm just returning your call." he doesn't say it. i finally say, "who's this?" he says, "it's mike." i immediately think, "shit - is this greek-mike, hell's kitchen-mike or banker-mike?" a split second later, the voice registers in my head and i say, "Oh. Hi." i told you it wasn't over yet.

i was civil. i didn't get upset at him for phoning me at work and i even asked him how his new job was going. he asked me how i knew and i said, "the last e-mail you sent me had your work signature on it." he said, "oh, you mean the last e-mail you ignored and didn't respond to?" i said, "yes, that one." we didn't talk long and at the end, he said, "well, you have my e-mail if you ever want to say hi." i said, "yup."

when i got home, he had sent me an e-mail. it went a little something like this:

Thanks for taking my call. I hope you will read this and understand things a little more.

I wanted to tell you so many things before, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t in the right place to do anything in my life, let alone include someone in my life. So why did I even start seeing you? I don’t know - I was selfish? The smart thing for me would have been for me to recognize where I was in my life and stay away from you until I had a clue what I was doing. And for that I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you in any way. I never meant to be aloof around you. I never meant to act as though I didn’t care or that you didn’t matter – because I did care and you do matter! I was just in the wrong place in my life and I was being selfish. Without a job, I was drinking way too much and carrying on like an idiot half the time. I had no consideration for anyone but myself and for that, I’m sorry. I never, ever meant to make you feel like a “doormat,” as you once said to me. You’re a very special person and you deserved more than I was giving you. I understand why you pulled away.

For the record… that is not who I am. I am not a jealous person – I never have been. I am a very caring and considerate person who loves being in love and spending a lot of time with the one I love. I wish I would have let you see more of that side rather than the ugliness.

Having said all of that, in the end I had extremely strong feelings for you. I still think about you all the time and it has taken every ounce of strength not to call you or show up at your door. I e-mailed earlier you because I was hoping you would e-mail back and then I could explain all of this. I am not trying to get back into your life, because I understand that that ship has sailed, but it has been killing me that I never got the chance to say what was on my mind. I understand if you hate me, but I wanted you to know that I am sorry for everything and you really did mean a lot to me – even if I never showed it.

I would like it if you could respond to this e-mail. I am not looking to be exonerated from anything, but I do want to know if you understand. I’m quite sure you have already dealt with all of this on your end and I am sorry if I am bringing up bad memories. But I really needed to tell you all of this because the person you new six-eight months ago is not who I am.


And yes, I did send a response (just now):

i understood all of this a long time ago. i don't want to sound insensitive or clinical about this but it seems counter-productive and almost self-destructive for you to keep going over this, particularly six months after the fact. i made a choice to continue seeing you, even though i knew that you had just broken up with a long-time girlfriend and that you weren't interested in anything serious. i made a choice to continue seeing you after you told me you didn't want to see me anymore....twice...in two months. i also made a choice to stop seeing you.

i know you think i hate you but i don't. i've told you several times in the past that i didn't hate you but it seems that you want to believe i do. that's your choice.

finally, just a comment about how you say that you're not a jealous person and you never have been. you are an educated and intelligent person so surely you must realize that how one person sees themselves is not necessarily how another person sees them. for example, i think of myself as shy and reserved. my close family and friends think this is bullshit and people that just meet me casually think i'm a snobby bitch. so who's right? a lot of experiences contribute to a person's opinion of someone else and i never met the mike that you know as the 'real' mike. there's not much that you (or i) can do to change that. it's water under the bridge. it's done.

i hope me answering your e-mail helps you put this whole thing behind you and i know you understand that by answering, it doesn't mean i'm inviting you back in to my life. this was simply for me to dispel any bad thoughts you might still have and to confirm that i think you're a good person and i'm glad you've got your life back on track. let's leave the past in the past and continue on our respective paths.

best of luck.

i was going to be a lot more abrupt. but i knew that would just invite a retaliation. why is it always the ones that aren't good (enough) for me the ones that chase?

on a different note, A, who just moved in with her boyfriend of 8 years about a month ago, is moving back home soon. when i questioned her about it, she said that they were fighting a lot more than usual and that it was time for a break from each other. she said this as she was trying to snuggle up with my OC at joey's on broadway. i met them for drinks on friday night. it was the Student's last day and that cutie friend of my OCs was there too. for a spell, i was sandwiched in a squishy, odd-shaped booth between my OC and his cutie friend, who claimed to have a paper route. we spent the evening chatting about his paper route (oh, he was totally bullshitting, by the way, but it was the conversation we chose to expand and embellish for the night). my OC's ex (of several years, i learned) phoned. i learned that he had recently lent her $500 because she's going to europe (and he booked the tickets for her) and that they are talking about being business partners. she's a fashion designer. i asked him if she was involved in the fashion expo at the plaza of nations this weekend that showcased new and upcoming designers. he said, wryly, "no, she's taking a more low-key approach to developing her business." they broke up december 31, 2002. he looked sad talking about her. i felt bad for him. but at least i have a little more insight. it helps.

rhetorical question

am i ever going to have a first date where the guy doesn't talk about his ex and i don't end up pseudo-counselling him about their breakup? i need to stop online dating.

i had yet another first date tonight. it's this guy that, everytime i go back to my dating site, he messages me. so, we finally met. oh, was he ever cute! quite the talker too (that's a bit of a strike against him but he was really nice). and then, we were talking about parking tickets and speeding tickets and he managed to slip in something about his ex-gf, whom apparently he has been broken up with for...oh, a month and a half. oy. he talked about their relationship and how he knew it wouldn't work from the beginning but he went out with her anyway. it was an interesting dinner (yes, dinner and against MY better judgment). i was actually the one who started the "date wrap-up" talk (you know, "so, what are your plans for the rest of the night?" and looking at my watch) and he kept talking. he hugged me as a greeting and as a goodbye so i'm not sure if he likes me or not. we'll see, i guess.

the guy i went out with on wednesday, the one i wasn't sure whether he was into me at all, phoned me last night and left a message saying he had a lot of fun and he wanted to see me again. it's funny but if i had just judged him on his profile on the site and his two messages he's left me, i would never, ever have considered going out with him. but he's one of those people that you really just have to meet to "get". i'd definitely go out with him again, just because he's lived such an interesting life that i'd like to know more about him (although apparently, i could read his mom's book and read all about it). he's probably the only guy i've been out with that didn't mention another woman once during the entire conversation. what does that say? although, he didn't walk me to the skytrain - in fact, he asked me to wait with him at his bus stop. geesh, where is the chivalry??? at least the guy today offered to drive me to the skytrain. don't worry, i walked. he was cute though.

my OC and i had a very flirty day yesterday. we had this e-mail exchange that probably could've gone on forever. at one point, he said something about eating better because he was watching his figure. i said, "i've been watching your figure - you've trimmed down in the past year, haven't you?" he responded with, "no, but i would say the same to you." it was fun. today, he was grumpy. i don't think i said more than a few words to him. tomorrow is drinks after work for the Student's last day. i won't be able to go. friends whom i haven't seen since march are more important than some guy who only pays attention to me sometimes. :)

epiphany of sorts

there is no magic to online dating, i've finally discovered. i think the idealist-dreamer in me figured that as long as i had a profile up that asked for what i wanted in a guy and in a relationship, i would eventually meet someone who fulfilled my wish list. i'm finally starting to realize (i.e. it's starting to sink into the thick skull) that online dating is not the answer to my relationship woes. since i started online dating many, many moons ago, i've had several first dates. several. lots and lots. i've run out of appendages to count the number of first dates i've had. but i could probably count on one hand (the one with five fingers on it) how many second dates i've had. in five years. not many. so what's the deal?

i've done the whole "online dating is too clinical and methodical" -thing. then i embraced the fact that online dating is really "just another way to meet people". and now, i think i really need to get out at lunch and walk around and smile at people. seriously. i think it's the only thing i haven't tried.

when i really am thinking clearly and with normal levels of estrogen (and testosterone, for that matter), i would really like to be in a relationship now. i'd love to meet someone, fall in love, get married and have a couple of kids. and a dog. and a white picket fence (kidding). but at the same time, i really, honestly and truly believe that if i never find someone, i'll be okay with that. what's the saying? "a life without love is not a life but a love with no life is no love at all"? something like that. but it's true. i'd rather have a life with no love (i.e. romantic love) than a "romantic" love that was just there because you didn't know what else to do with it. i've been there and done that and it sucks. i've spent too much time in relationships that i was too scared to leave because i thought i'd never find anyone else. or that it was too comfortable to leave. or that i would just stick with it until i found someone else. so much time wasted, so much time spent trying to convince someone to love me when they didn't deserve the love i gave to them, so much time convincing myself that things would get better when i knew (not so deep down) that they would only get worse, so little time believing that i deserved better. so little. none, actually.

the idealist-dreamer me believes that there is someone "out there" for everyone. but the realist me knows that relationships are complicated and that i am still trying to carve out a place for myself in the world and perhaps i need to decide which one is more important to me. and, the guy for me might be living on the other side of the world and i may never meet him (which is why i need to travel more). of course, cynical me thinks that perhaps one of the several different guys that i have dated or been friends with or met but discounted, may have been The One, although at this time, i can't think of which one that might be.

i like to think that, outside my own life, i have heightened clarity of vision - that i can see life and the world around me from different perspectives and that i know that seeing things from multiple perspectives allows me to appreciate the complexities of people and life and situations. but it amazes me how difficult it is to step outside myself and sort out my own life. actually, i am able to step outside myself and assess my situation, life or what have you, from an all-points perspective (stop laughing). what i am not able to do is do anything about it. it's like i stand on the sidelines, watching myself make the same relationship mistakes over and over again and i'm helpless to do anything about it. i am emotionally unable to do anything about it. i hope too much. i dream too much. i'm too scared. i'm too emotional. i think too much. i don't take enough chances.

to condense a piece of writing by Nadine Stair (age 85) to really sum up what i hope to do with my life now, and not what i hope to do the next time around, "if i had to live my life over, i would take fewer things seriously, i would take more chances...i would perhaps have more actual troubles but i'd have fewer imaginary ones...."

here's hoping.

digging myself out of the hole

fuck. why do i let myself do this to...myself? i really do need professional help - not a matchmaker or a dating coach. i need counselling. i think i really do enjoy being miserable, pining after him. even Baby Man noticed that my OC was ignoring me at after-work drinks today. when i asked him for input, he said, "that's between the two of you." this from the guy who, two days ago said, "he's excited about his Canada-US relations conference but he doesn't have anyone to go with. why don't you go with him?" he was weird today - my OC, not Baby Man. did i mention that after the boardroom renos are finished, my OC's office will be even closer to my desk than it is now? when he walks down the hall towards his office, he'll see me. he'll have to take the route by my desk more often because now that route is closer to the library than his old office is. oy. thankfully, i won't be able to see him anymore from where i am. i think him going on holidays in a couple of weeks will be good for me. distance makes the heart grow fungus. i did say to my boss today, "do you realize that once renos are over, your office will be sandwiched in between the two loudest people in the office?" doors will need to be closed more often.

poor travis. poor, poor, cute little blonde technician travis. let's face it, benji did have a lot of personality but the celine dion show is basically contemporary choreography. it's mia that choreographs the show! i bet she'll hire travis anyway. she should. he's cuter. yes, i can say that i was happy for benji but i wasn't pleased with the results, overall. and now i can't wait until next year!

so, the guy i had such a good time with, that reminded me of MGF? the one that asked me if he could call me when he got back and we could go for a walk or dinner or something? he's been back a week and hasn't called or e-mailed. i knew it.

the guy i was 45 minutes late for - he cancelled thursday night. i'm hoping he just doesn't call...or rather, e-mail...again. no chemistry. none. fizzle.

one date scheduled next week for thursday. it's a guy that, everytime i go back on my dating site, he always sends me a message or a pre-fab "hello". always. this time around, i finally said, "you know, we say hello to eachother everytime i put a profile up but we've never met. let's bypass all of this and just go for a coffee." i gave him my number a few weeks ago and he finally called me the other night. next week it is. he's half-greek too. oy!