road trip

i'm going to a wedding this weekend - in penticton. i'm driving there - by myself. someone shoot me. i hate driving to the grocery store, let alone driving halfway across the province! i am seriously considering bailing on this trip but my friend would have a fit. i would never hear the end of it. why didn't i just hitch a ride with someone??? HOLY F - i don't want to drive. and, of course, it would be faster for me to take the coquihalla but i'm so damn cheap that i don't want to spend the $20 round-trip toll. but if i took the hope-princeton, i'd tack on at least 30 minutes onto an already too long of a drive. and, it's 11pm and i'm not sleeping yet. i haven't even finished packing (trust me, it's a big thing, even for a weekend that i'll pretty much be spending in shorts and a tank top). this sucks.

putting out

good vibes, that is :)

my boss is on holidays from august 3 - 10th. one of the other vancouver lawyers is also on holidays during this time. this leaves me with the VP for six days. we don't want this - i'd be too stressed, i'd never get a break and i'd probably end up work 60 hours. so, say it with me:

"waterloooooo"

i figure if i think positively and anticipate being sent there for the week, the positive energy will make it happen. as well, i figure if things are meant to happen with my cute lawyer at head office (which quite obviously, they're not but i live in hope), then i will get sent to head office next week.

"waterloooooo"

in the alternative, he could get sent here and we could hang out at my basement office for the week... ooh, the scenarios that are running through my head right now...

"waterloooooo"

i believe in the power of positive thinking!

new opportunity

so i didn't end up getting yelled at by the VP. she was definitely cranky because she was sick but her sister had also come with me to work with her on an agreement and i was left to my own devices. dodged that bullet. but i've decided that for the remainder of my time at my job, i'm going to need to care more. this is my problem: i don't care about my work. it's unusual for me because my reputation at work is everything, particularly in such a small community as the legal one. but since i work with people who aren't in the private sector, my reputation doesn't mean as much as if i were working at an actual law firm. but i need to care - i'm ashamed of some of the work i've been producing and that's no good. i'm turning over the new leaf, three months after the fact.

speaking of new leaf, a friend of mine at my old work e-mailed me a secondment opportunity that she thought i'd be interested in. i have a feeling she has much more confidence in my abilities than i do, judging by the job requirement sheet that was attached to her forwarded e-mail. initially, i briefly glanced over the "Core Competencies" section of the requirements sheet and was immediately intimidated - i didn't feel like i possessed anything they were looking for. i had some of the "Additonal Qualifications" but i figured if i couldn't hack the "Core" then I might as well not even try.

she sent it to me earlier this week and it was only yesterday that i decided i would take a good look at it. while i'm still not sure exactly what the position entails nor what this particular facet of the organization does (much like when i started with the Crown), the idea sounds interesting. i don't think it would involve anything particularly "legal" in nature, which is a bit of a turn-off, but it's only a one-year secondment and it could prove to be a very eye-opening experience. i've decided that, despite the fact that i don't feel i'm at all qualified for it, i'm going to apply for the position. after all, you can't get something you don't try for, right? the only downside is that the position is at headquarters in victoria. i guess it doesn't really matter as it seems that all of my friends are moving away for work and school or they live elsewhere anyway. i guess i figured that if i was going to move somewhere to work, that i'd go big - across the country, to the states or to another continent. not just across the pond :) but that's me counting the proverbial chickens - and my chickens get counting more than most people's, i think.

oh, the anticipation!

you know what's worse than getting yelled at? knowing you're going to get yelled at in advance and having to wait for it. i made a boo-boo at work - i was using a USB drive to work on files that one of the lawyers, who was borrowing a computer, was working on. i saved the work to the USB drive (which isn't mine) but failed to save it to my own computer nor did i save it to the shared file on the network. and guess which files were urgently needed by the VP on monday? i thought about saving all the files on that drive to my computer "just in case" and i would sort it out later but ended up not doing it. in hindsight... anyway, on monday, they were on a frantic search and discovered my error. i was supposed to go by the VP's house to pick it up on monday but was told to "swing by and pick it up when she's back home on thursday" (read: you're in trouble). if that wasn't bad enough, they phoned me again today to ask for another file that i hadn't saved to the network, nor to my computer (which led me to believe I hadn't worked on it until the lawyer said otherwise - I still don't remember working on it). it was on the USB drive, though. it's not enough to get me fired but it's enough to get an earful. crap.

numb

i'm not feeling much about anything lately. work's ok, although i'm still determined to leave after my 6-month stint (and since i think i'm going to get yelled at on thursday, i'd like to leave as of today!). love life is non-existent but i'm feeling fine about that. family life is still a bit rocky, although it shouldn't be anymore but it's better than it was a week ago. no, nothing's going on in my life right now. perhaps that's why i'm feeling a bit down. i worked three 12-hour days last week so perhaps i'm still tired. i spent all of sunday reading the new harry potter book so perhaps that relaxed feeling has carried into the week. i don't know what it is. i feel blah today. did i feel like that yesterday? have i felt like that all this week? hard to tell. i had a grand time on saturday night. i went to my grandma's house for her birthday party and i was laughing it up with some of my cousins, which is not something i get to do often anymore. but did i feel blah that day too? i'm no longer aware of how i feel day-to-day...bad sign. :) i need to get back to the gym or some regular form of physical activity - perhaps that will give me the pick-me-up i need.

i wish it was october 28th.

write-off

when do you write off a member of your family? it's a question i've been asking myself for a couple of weeks now and i'm stuck between 21st century, north american sensibilities and good, ol' fashioned family values. on the one hand, family is everything - when your friends and acquaintances have faded away, all you have left is your family. on the other hand, is maintaining a relationship with a family member (just for the sake of having the relationship and alleviating some guilt) worth risking your mental health and all-around happiness? what if this person has written you off first - do you become the "bigger person" and continue to maintain a thread of the former relationship to keep up appearances or do you respect their feelings and become part of their history? what if you don't even care? a lot of questions that i don't have any answers for. no clue.

waterloo de-brief

on paper, i work for a really great company. visiting head office last week was eye-opening, but not all in a good way. the company itself is one of the best to work for in Canada - they seem to really value their employees and reward them with lots of little perks (free Star Wars preview, logo clothing, free exclusive concerts - the rolling stones for their 20th anniversary, great physical working environment, picnics and golf tournaments and can you say "expense it?"). if i could move the legal department to vancouver, i'd stay with this company indefinitely. or would i? the one thing i learned about the "legal assistants" in waterloo is that they are really glorified secretaries (no disrespect intended) / personal assistants. i mean, i know it's hot out and you're the VP but really, couldn't you walk to the other building? it's across the street! and doing the nails of my lawyer is way beyond where I draw the line. maybe i just have a really self-important view of what a paralegal is but in staying with this company for a long period, i don't think i'll ever realize my vision of what a paralegal is. i might be able to make it more than what it is now but in reality, they'll never move the legal department here and that's pretty much what will determine whether i actually stay or whether i go.

the lawyers were awesome - and two of them were really cute :) (although, one I work with directly and another...well, I thought he was showing some interest until, as i was leaving the building on my last day, I saw him chatting up some bottle-blonde princess in the parking lot. then i realized i wasn't his type!). the support staff was mostly good but you could sense that some of them didn't really like that i was there - nor did they appreciate the circumstances which brought me there (i.e. the VP's favouritism). doesn't matter - i had fun, despite the 12 hour days - of doing nothing. i was begging for work on the monday - so much so that rumour got around and one of the lawyers whom i don't really work with asked me if i wanted to do some filing - i jumped at the chance. but, i'm glad i got to meet everyone.

waterloo itself is...um...boring. because of the 12 hours days, i never did get to shop at the outlet mall, which was probably a good thing. i didn't get to go to the african lion safari but that's ok - really, lions in Waterloo? i did get to catch the tail end of the multi-cultural fest on the sunday but it was wrapping up, literally, as we walked into the park. there area lot of parks in waterloo. and a lot of brick houses (the Commodores' song runs through my head everytime i think about the houses there). the seagram's distillery was turned into loft housing - gorgeous. one of the lawyers told me that he looked into buying one when he moved there a couple of years back. the lofts were about 1400 sq ft., in a decent area of town and cost about $216,000. my jaw dropped. you can get a loft that's about half that size in gastown (!!!) for the same price. apparently, they're not selling well as for the same price, you can buy a house. i'd buy the loft :)

i seriously considered moving to waterloo after my six month stint so i could work with everyone at head office - seriously. and then, the tuesday thunderstorm hit and i was longing to be back on the west coast. they all laughed at me, cowering in my cubicle. "this is nothing - we had a tornado touchdown last week." excuse me - when is the next flight out of kansas??? and i don't know how many people expressed how lucky i was to be living in the most beautiful city in canada and how many people told me that the food was way better in vancouver than toronto.

so, my decision for the week is that i'll wait out my six months, go back to my job with the crown after that and try to get into the DOJ while i work my old job. gimme my pension!

waterloo-woo-hoo!

i am writing from the st. jacob's inn in waterloo-woo-hoo! i left vancouver at 7am - dropped off my car at the park n fly and set off on my little adventure. the flight went fine - the in-flight movie was "Hitch" so it couldn't get much better than that (unless they showed "Batman Begins" - and Christian Bale was in the seat beside me. then it would've been sweet!). the food was bad but that's not a surprise. the hotel is nice but way the hell out of the way. i hope the outlet mall across the street makes up for the fact that, despite the fact i'm in a college town, i'm not seeing any cute college boys! i saw some when michelle came to take me for dinner - she took me on a tour of kitchener-waterloo and i had dinner at eastside mario's (now that i've done it, i don't need to do it again!). we had gelato on king street and went to the multicultural festival in victoria park. and it's only day one! we also toured the new building - it's huge. i really do work for a huge company. you just can't tell from my basement windows in vancouver. looking at the time on my computer, it's only 6:40 in vancouver but it's bedtime for me here. the office is only 10 minutes away so i could actually sleep in quite a bit. had i known this, i would've brought more hair care products - curling iron, etc - as i now have time to make myself up in the morning. i guess i'll just eat breakfast instead. i hate continental breakfasts. i even hate the name. they make it sound all important and foreign when it's really just stupid pastries. where are the eggs and sausages???

Waterloo, here I come!

Well, just when i think i'm ready to quit my job, they do something nice like send me on a business trip! Ok, it's not to the UK, which i was hoping for but i do get to check out the "campus" in Waterloo, Ontario. Waterloo-woo-hoo. I'll be gone from Sunday to Thursday - I'll probably have no time for myself to explore the Outlet Mall that is across the street from my hotel but what the hell, at least I'll be working in a real office for four days. And when I get back, it's a long weekend! There's a wild animal park that offers a safari that I'd like to check out but I'd have to leave early, early Sunday morning in order to do that. If that's what they book, then that's what I'll do but I'll likely get into Waterloo in the evening. Oh well, it is, after all, a bid-ness trip, right? I guess I can't quit just yet... :)

would you like some cheese with that whine?

i'm unhappy. i spent last thursday night and last saturday night relaying to anyone who would ask that i don't like my job. and i felt bad doing it - i mean, they were probably just trying to be polite by asking, "so, how's the new job going?" but i figure, if they're going to ask, they'd better be prepared for the answer!

it's not that i don't like the people - person - i work with. she's great - very patient and jovial, albeit a little unclear in giving instructions but that's just a matter of asking for clarification (four or five times). it's not that i don't like the company i work for - i've already received a couple of the "perks" that go along with working for a big company (movie tickets, free logo-embossed clothing, umpteen free lunches). but happiness is not free coffee and a paycheque. at least, for me it isn't.

i've been going over it a lot in my head since last thursday. am i just looking for something bigger and better because a friend of mine is going to law school and i think i should be going too? am i looking for acceptance, praise and security? i could go back to my old job for that. am i looking to utilize the knowledge and skills i've accumulated over the past two years because they're paid for so i should use them? or am i looking for the love boat - something exciting and new?

there's a small possibility that they could be opening up a proper, satellite office here. when i found that out, i thought, "okay, definitely staying on at least for another six months if this happens. i'll be able to work in a real office, meet real people, be involved in real office politics, go for real coffee breaks. excellent!" and then i remember that one of my wants was to get back to government - provincial or federal - and continue earning my much-sought-after pension. and i compared my company's benefits plan with the government's and the government's (medical and dental at least) is much better. i probably won't make as much money as i would in my present job (although, i'm not so sure about that) but i'd make enough and have my time off too. that's good, isn't it? until i remember my friend that is off to law school and think, "i can do that too" even though i don't have any real desire to practice law as a lawyer. or am i just scared of the responsiblity? hmmm... yikes. and then i think of my cousin who's living in san francisco and my friend who is moving to new york today and think, "i'm not tied down to anything here - boy, mortgage or kid - why not work elsewhere and live a little?"decisions, decisions.

i don't know why i can't just be happy with what i have, why i'm always looking for something better. they say that if you hear something enough, you start to believe it. people i used to work with would tell me that i deserved better, usually in reference to a boy i had a crush on but also referring to my entry-level position jobs. maybe it's a bad thing that an indecisive person like me begins to believe that i deserve better because i'll never be able to decide what "better" actually is.

back to the small picture - my current job. i'm seriously considering going back to my program coordinator, asking for a new practicum and pretending this one never happened. but it's my damned pride that gets in my way - the preservation of my reputation in the legal community is of utmost importance to me! i can't just quit after 6 weeks but i don't see how my issues with this job will ever be resolved, aside from by my contract ending. but can i last another 4 1/2 months doing nothing that involves my training or my brain???????

moments

on my drive into work this morning, i was listening to a CD that i made a couple of years ago called "you remind me" (referring, of course, to the Usher song of the same name). all the songs on the CD remind me of memorable moments or people in my life, either present or past. r. kelly's "i believe i can fly" came on and a really sweet and cool memory came back to me:

i was volunteering as a chaperone for my brother's grade 4 or 5 field trip - i don't even know where we went. we were on the school bus which was equipped with speakers. the bus driver, being the cool old guy that he was, had hooked up his portable CD player and was playing the "Space Jam" soundtrack as we drove. i remember that all the kids were chattering away and the adults were scattered around the bus to ensure that no one got out of hand. no one was really paying attention to the drive or the music that accompanied us. then, "i believe i can fly" came on. it starts of soft so you couldn't even tell it was playing. at the first round of the chorus, one ham in the class started singing at the top of his lungs - crazy 10 year old boys. at the second round of the chorus, a few more kids joined in - still just goofing off but with a little more feeling now. the final round of the chorus, when the gospel choir in the song joins in, the whole bus - teachers, bus driver and yours truly included - started singing. it sounds like nothing - just a single moment in time that wasn't even significant. but i still get goosebumps just thinking about it - it almost makes me cry.

i read somewhere once that life is made up of moments and i believe it. when i look back on my life (particularly now that it's only 8 days until my 29th birthday - my 30th year of being on this earth), all i can remember are moments. some more clear than others and others more memorable than some. i think when people talk about having a good life, they are talking about having a life of moments - moments to remember, whether good or bad. some moments are always in the short term memory and others are retrieved from the long term memory by a subtle reminder - like a song.

secrets

i found a blogsite that has a really interesting premise: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ . i'm thinking of sending my own postcard in, though which secret to reveal might take some deciding...

decisions, decisions

i went to a goodbye dinner for our regional crown, who has transferred to (shudder) Main St. it's actually a bad thing for us but a good thing for Vancouver - they might end up being half-way decent place to work under his leadership. and talk about fate - as i stood there, waiting for the elevator to get to the party, who walks into the building but dave - breakfast-jammer dave. he looked good but i looked better :). we chatted briefly on the elevator and he apologized again for skipping on our breakfast plans and once again, i told him it was fine. later that night, i was at the bar buying a drink and he pops up behind me and says, "are you buying me a beer?" so i did. it was a Heineken too. what a sucker, eh? even dea asked me later that night, "when are you going to stop torturing yourself?" i couldn't come up with a definite answer.

anyway, spending the evening with my old crown cronies made me miss my work there a lot - made me miss everyone even more. i joked that i was going to return to crown after my practicum because i wanted my pension! that's half right - i know that if i stick it out where i am long enough, i'll start to feel like a contributor soon enough but there are just so many things that i can't get over that it doesn't even seem worth it to stay beyond my committment. and so i don't think i will - that much is decided. what is not decided is where i'll go.

my biggest problem is that i'm always looking a little further ahead to see if i can get something better - hence, my problem. i would be perfectly happy going back to work for government but at the same time, i'd wonder what i was missing in private practice - would i be missing more money, prestige, recognition, love? i have a quote on my ever-changing yahoo page from ben stein that says: The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. sounds simple but it isn't. what do i want?

i was all bent out of shape last night. a friend of mine has just gotten accepted into law school and i'm thrilled for her. but at the same time, i'm a little green because that could've been me. and i was even more green when my favourite boss of all time, who is now a very Honourable Judge of the Provincial Court of BC, came up to her and started chatting to her about what law school would be like. he was telling her about how she should look forward to reading the decisions of a very controversial but brilliant English Justice that wrote decisions in the 1950s and 60s that just don't get the same recognition as they used to. he couldn't remember the name and neither could she but as he talked about him, i piped up and said, "is that Lord Denning?" much to my chagrin, he didn't hear me but she did and she said, "is it Lord Denning?" i was a bit cheesed because he said, "yes! denning, that's right. brilliant writer." steal my thunder! i stole it back when they were having a discussion about who owns police notebooks - the police or the officer? she thought that the RCMP did because the notes were taken in the course of their employment. he thought that it was the officer because it was their thoughts on the paper. i piped up and said, "well, from an intellectual property standpoint, it's the officer because it's their intellectual property on the paper." he said, "hey, that's a good point!" i was glowing :)

anyway, i've had my accolades given to me (is that right?) - i've done my school and people have thrown me parties and congratulated me for my courage to leave my comfort zone and branch off to new territories. but i can't help but think of how thrilled some people would be if i got into law school - more than one of the crown i've worked with have tried to sway me and quite successfully as the idea is still sitting in the back of my mind. i always say to give me time to rest - 24 years straight of going to school is a bit much. maybe in two or three years? or one!

one thing's for sure - i need to move!

the older i get, the more i cry

is that the way it is with everyone? when i was in my early 20s, the only time i would ever cry was when ... well, almost never. sure, i cried when my boyfriend made me mad or when i would have an argument with my mom. but over TV commercials and movies - never! now that i'm reaching my 30s, it's not that way anymore.

i watched the movie "The Notebook" the other weekend. the story is a heart-wrencher anyway but the first time i saw it in the theatre last year, my eyes remained dry throughout the entire flick. even the ending to one of the stories didn't tug at my rusty-ol' heartstrings. my teenage cousin, who cried almost from the beginning, turned to me as the lights went up and looked at me with her red, puffy eyes and said, "you are a robot!" but i did love the movie and so i bought it for my collection. i'm very glad that i watched it while i was alone and housesitting a couple of weeks ago because i cried like a baby with colic - i could barely control myself. by the end of the movie, i wasn't fit to be seen and i had a headache from all the crying. can you believe that?

it's not limited to movies, either. a touching (but cheesy) moment on prime-time TV has been known to start the waterworks in me of late. picking out a birthday card for a good friend sometimes does it. heck, i cry in the car if i sing along to a particularly sappy song. i've had many strange looks from other people driving alongside me. is it PMS or am i losing what's left of the marbles?

perhaps it is because i have more experiences to draw from now - when i was 20, i had one and half boyfriends in my past to draw any kind of emotional response from. now, i have had several successful failures of relationships to be able to relate to any given movie, love song or the like. perhaps with age comes maturity and with maturity comes a more heightened sense of loss and sorrow. or perhaps i'm just feeling a little melancholy.

naw! i think i'm a sap at heart - it's just the tough, crabby exterior that protects my oversized, ultra-sensitive heart from getting trampled on. perhaps this is why i have such trouble connecting with people on a sub-surface level?

i think too much

it all began (again) when i was debating with myself whether to get out of the online dating circle again. i've been doing it for a good two months this time around and it's yielded two or three potentials, one casualty and a lot of doubts about whether it is the right thing to do. one the one hand, who's to say that meeting someone online is any better or any worse than meeting someone at a bar? personally, i'm just as hesitant to advertise that the guy i'm interested in was the result of a bar pickup as i would be if i had met him on a dating website. in fact, i think the dating website is much more logical than meeting a drunk guy at the pub. but then i think, "is love supposed to be logical?"

i love the idea of online dating because it's organized and it cuts out a lot of the usual malarky that goes along with "getting to know someone". you put up a profile and tell potential dates about what you're looking for. if they don't measure up, they shouldn't even try. if they do try but don't get a response, they shouldn't be surprised. you tell them about yourself and they can determine whether you are what they are looking for. then you meet for coffee and determine whether there is any real chemistry. and it goes from there. simple, eh?

but it hasn't turned out to be simple. i've spent so much time wondering what i was doing wrong - i was "meeting" all of these great-on-paper guys that looked great in person but there were no sparks. not even a flicker. and then it occurred to me: perhaps it's not working because it's just not happening the way it's supposed to. you know, "naturally".

i subscribe to many schools of thought about how men and women should get together. the romantic in me thinks that it should all happen "when it happens". you know - the stolen glance across the bread aisle at Safeway, the shy smiles exchanged in the elevator on the way to work, that sort of thing. the realist in me knows that Mr. Right isn't going to come knocking at my door (although there was a cute FedEx guy that came to my door a little while ago...but i digress) and that i have to take some initiative to find a date. since my friends are either single and looking or married and only hang out with other married people (or, they say they're going to set me up with "this great guy at the office" but they never do), i can't really depend on someone else to deal me my fate. my fate is in my own hands. or is it?

this brings me to my further thoughts on relationships - do you make your own fate or does fate just happen? did my turning on the radio and hearing the song that reminds me of the guy that i was going to breakup with mean that i should give him another chance? or was it just a coincidence? does the fact that i hear the somewhat-unusual (but not altogether unique) name of my crush in a stranger's conversations mean that it was meant to be or does it mean that i'm just more atune to his name? does this rather lengthy and quasi-philosophical post mean that i need to stop leading with my head and start leading with my heart? easier said than done.

the head vs. heart battle is one i will be fighting for the rest of my life. listening to my heart is what gets me into these messes. listening to my head is what gets me out of them. the problem is, i kind of like being in messes sometimes. but i can't figure out which ends up hurting more: my head or my heart?

glutton for punishment

as you know, i'm in yaletown for the weekend. i e-mailed my friend from work who i know lives down here and whom i've been trying to get out for about...oh, two years now. i used to have a crush on him...used to, listen to her!...but now, i just have friendly feelings towards him (read: i still like him but i've given up on any hope that he'll like me in return). we've been out once. it was awkward, to say the least. i had asked him out on valentine's day (!!!) and he said no and that he'd rather stay in bed and listen to sad songs. but he suggested a movie the following week. we went. i met him at the theatre and after the movie, we went for a drink. he walked me to my car and i basically jumped in it and left. it wasn't that abrupt but you get what i'm saying - i didn't hang around long enough to see if there would be any good-night extras. it's never been the same since. we get along so well and he's so easy to talk to. i don't know that he feels the same way about me but i'd like to think so :) all of our plans over the past two years to get together, just for coffee, have always fallen by the way-side.

anyway, i know he lives downtown so i e-mailed him on thursday and asked him if he wanted to go for coffee or lunch this weekend. i told him where i'd be staying (the cross-streets) and it turns out he lives a block away from here. we agreed on a sunday morning coffee. i was so looking forward to it. he e-mailed me last night, late, saying that he had just gotten home from the office and that he was going out that night. he asked me to phone him after 10AM. so, i waited until 10:30 and phoned him. he was still in bed. he apologized and i asked him about his night (which he said sucked) and then i told him to go back to bed. and now, i'm sad.

i knew this would happen. i always know what's going to happen. yet, i always try anyway. perhaps i'm more emotionally masochistic than i thought (or is it sadistic?). anyway, i'm done trying (for now). i'll never e-mail or phone him again (until the next time i get the urge to see him). he's not my type anyway (if nice and sweet and smart and adorable is not my type). blah.

not that i'm counting...

but yesterday was exactly a month until my birthday.

nice weather we're having...

i love how predictable people can be. you know that when you get on a elevator with two or three people already on it, when the doors shut, all eyes will look up. if they don't, inevitably, someone will talk about the weather - how about that rain, what a beautiful day, can you believe how windy it was last night... you know that when you walk into a store, there will be someone who asks you how you are doing. students know that when they meet fellow students, the first question that is asked after, "where do you go?" is, "so, what are you taking?" all of these niceties that people exchange everyday but perhaps, don't even mean. i know i've been guilty of asking someone how they were and, after they told me they were fine (and they're almost always fine, good, doing well, or okay), i immediately responded "i'm good, thanks." how many times have i had to blubber my way through the embarrassing realization that they didn't ask me how I was doing?

my favourite example of habitual actions is one involving a greeting card that got sent around at my old workplace one day. it was for a delightfully ascerbic woman in accounting who had just had gall bladder surgery. as i opened up the card and tried to find space to write my well-wishes, i noticed that our GM (the very cute but obviously very preoccupied, son of the CEO of the corporation we worked for) had written, "happy birthday! love luke".

i've tried to make a conscious effort to be aware of what i say and what sentiments i express. i try never to tell someone they look good if they don't. i try never to tell someone their newborn is the cutest baby i've ever seen (because newborns are not cute in the two-year old, look-at-me-i'm-so-precocious-way - they are little, wrinkled alien children). admittedly, i've been guilty of saying, "it was good seeing you. we should get together soon!" to people i would never normally want to admit knowing. i have even been known to (shudder) do the mini-scream, outstretched arms and hug for people i haven't seen in a long time (and there's always a reason why i haven't seen them in a long time...). but for the most part, i try to be sincere. at least, i try to make myself believe that i'm being sincere.

if the outfit my friend is wearing is horrific and i don't think she can take the honest truth, i'll pick out two or three separate things i like about it: love the color, is that Ralph Lauren?, the cut on those pants is great. granted, i don't have many friends that dress outrageously and if they do, they don't normally ask for my opinion so i'm safe there. same with the alien babies. i pick something innocuous and say something cute - look at your tiny feet! i can't believe how tiny she is! ooh, i could just eat you up! it's what psychologists call "lies of omission". you learn to do it as a kid and you continue to do it as an adult. the little white lies. but that's what i love about human nature. everyone does it. and everyone always will.

so much for progress.

damn seagulls

it wasn't the ever-present sound of sirens or late-night revellers that kept waking me up last night. it was the call of the rats with wings at 5AM this morning. and no, they weren't saying, "mine, mine, mine" a la "Finding Nemo" but, if translated from the seagull language, i'm sure it would be close. don't get me wrong; the sound of a seagull's cry reminds me of being by the ocean. but since i am three blocks from the seawall at the moment, the sound is not as appreciated as it would be were i lying on a sandy beach somewhere.

time for a shower. i've got a yaletown apartment to myself for the long weekend. so what am i going to do? go to bellingham for the day :)

yaletown weekend

keeping in line with my role as a cat-sitter, i have agreed to look after my friend, kerri's, cat for the weekend. the clincher? she and her boyfriend live in yaletown. like i could say no! i am currently sitting in their solarium, looking out at their 11th floor view. i can see "the elbow room" from here and a guy digging through the garbage bins. ah, downtown life.

their apartment is great. craig gave me the grand tour yesterday. the funniest part was that i had parked at one of the metered parking stalls but didn't have any change. since i figured he was only going to hand me the keys and run out to his dragonboat practice, i figured i'd be okay for five minutes. twenty minutes later, i came out to my car - it was still parked where it was supposed to be and there was no ticket. i'm telling you, things keep going like this (aside from when my car got locked in the underground parkade - also in yaletown, about a block away from here), i'm really going to start believing that i'm above the parking laws in this city. ah, the power. anyway, back to the apartment. it overlooks the hundreds of other apartments within a four block radius but it's kind of nice. so different from suburbia. perhaps not really me but different in a good way. i think i may have to try out the hot tub on the 2nd floor - it's outdoors.

the only thing i forgot to ask them was how to buzz people into the building. i know the code to give and i've finally found the phone that you use to do so but i don't know which key it is. some places is "6"; others, it's the "#" sign. how am i supposed to eat if i can't order in??? normally, i'd be okay going out to eat on my own but for some reason, doing it in yaletown just doesn't feel right. i haven't been eating dinner the past few weeks anyway but, of course, i'm feeling hungry now. i wish i had someone in town that i could call - i asked dave if he wanted to go for lunch this weekend and he said he's working all weekend on a file but can make it for coffee on sunday morning. he lives about a block and a half from here - what a coincidence, eh?

anyway, i'm going to "unpack" (i managed to bring one small overnight back for three nights!) and then figure out if i'm really hungry or not. probably not.