crowd

i have thirteen students in my class this time around. not sure i'll still have all thirteen next week, but i guess we'll see.

it was a weird feeling. i've been dreading this day since december. i whined all day that i didn't want to go. and then, when i get there, i'm calm. i'm organized. i'm not at all nervous (i can tell because neither my hands nor my voice was shaking). i was confident in my delivery and the way i answered questions. and i felt good. almost good enough to continue on to another class.

almost. not quite. and most certainly not for this particular school board's program!

incidentally, when i went to the office to pick up my books, there was a very attractive guy that was sort of lumbering around the office area. turns out he was a teacher at the school and i was using his classroom. he helped me carry my text books to the class. yes, i tried to flirt with him but he was stonier than i am normally. didn't even crack a smile. science geeks.

pay it forward

i was feeling slightly down today. another coffee date last night, another lukewarm reaction from the guy. i know it has more to do with what their expectation of me was going to be, but it doesn't mean it's not going to affect me in some way. work was a bit of a drag as i'm feeling slightly overwhelmed again. i was looking forward to coming home and vegging on the couch.

i stopped off at IGA because i ran out of bread this morning. the cashier went through the usual drill with me (hi, how are you, blah blah blah). when she gave me my receipt, i smiled and said thanks. as i went to reach for my bag that was sitting at the end of the counter, the cashier reached over to me and said, "thank you for giving me a nice smile!" i was surprised. it made me further aware that retail jobs are some of the most thankless and that a genuine smile can brighten up a person's day, even for just that one moment.

needless to say, her compliment paid itself forward. i'm feeling cheery again.

zut alors!

i don't mean this to sound conceited but i think i may be too photogenic. like, i think i look really good in photos, but then when people meet me in person, they're disappointed that i don't look the same as my picture.

i met an online date for coffee yesterday. Nico and i met and started exchanging e-mails only a couple of weeks ago but it seemed like the right time to meet. we had exchanged some really good e-mails - not just the "what's your favorite song" type of e-mails but ones where actual conversations and exchanges were taking place. he came across as very real, with no hint of arrogance or pompousness. and i'm not saying i expected either just because he's from France.

when i got to the coffee shop, i saw him in the window. i was almost certain it was him. i walked in the door and stood five feet from where he was sitting. i stood there and scanned the room, giving him enough time to see me, ensure it was probably me, and then by the time my eyes reached his, he would smile and i would walk over and say, "bonjour!"

as my eyes reached where he sat, i realized he was not looking at me. he was looking in the other direction. he didn't realize it was me. he was expecting someone better looking.

i managed to make my way over to him and say hello and he returned my hello and we sat and chatted for about an hour. when it was time to part ways, he said, "i would hug you but i don't want to get you sick," because he was still battling the cold he had caught over Christmas. pas de probleme!

except when i ran through the whole evening in my head this morning, it played more like, "get me out of here" than "get me home so i can rest and see this wonderful angel of a woman again soon." i don't even remember him suggesting that we should meet again. sigh.

against my better judgment (head, not heart), i sent him the Follow-Up Note (ironically acronymed as "FUN") this morning, just wishing him a speedy recovery and expressing that if he wanted to get together again, i would like to see him.

will he respond? je ne sais pas. do i want him to? OUI! he was so nice and seemed so kind. i don't even want to date him, necessarily, but someone like him would be a nice friend to spend time with every now and then. but how do you say that without sounding like you're expecting anything else? bah.

c'est la vie.

in-som-ni-ya

night four. it didn't help that i forgot to ask for a "decaf mocha" tonight when i met my newest online match for coffee. he was really nice.

i don't understand why i'm having trouble sleeping. i toss and i turn. i stare at the clock (or rather, i think it's staring at me). i'm tired but i can't sleep. perhaps two weeks of sleeping a one or two or three in the morning wasn't such a good idea after all.

ring my bell

nothing like a fire alarm to kick start your morning. at least this time, it was in the morning!

the bell went off, just as i was taking stuff out of the fridge for brunch. i woke up late today (don't know why) and then puttered instead of following my newly instigated schedule. as the bell and alarms screamed, i thought to myself, "this is why i should always change into lounging clothes, instead of just lounging in my pjs." i quickly changed into something decent and went down to the front.

less than ten neighbours joined me, which is frightening. i know that it's probably a false alarm, but why would want to take that risk?

the fire department came because they're the only ones who can switch off the alarm. the one that did it - HOT. but also a firefighter who probably gets more than his share of the women-folk because he's hot and a firefighter, which probably means he has an ego the size of Montana (is Montana big, because that's what i was going for), which means i want nothing to do with him. well, maybe ONE thing to do with him. but before the cheesy 70s porn soundtrack starts, i digress...

it turns out the alarm went off because of an over-flowing washing machine (don't ask me how that works). a guy on the main floor left his washing machine going and went out for a few minutes. he got back just as the alarm was starting. apparently the water is now seeping into the games room directly below him. that sucks because it means yet another insurance claim for the strata if the owner doesn't have insurance. at the same time, i'm glad it wasn't an owner's suite because that would suck for them.

and that reminds me, i really should get that emergency ladder that i've been putting off getting. safety before more shoes!

my ears are still ringing.

sally ann

i went for a walk today in the 'hood, wellies and all, with the sole purpose of finding out some wedding dress info for Cess. i did, and then ended up walking by the Salvation Army on the way home. i decided to pop in to check it out and ended up buying three purses and two books, all for under $30 canadian dollars. i've said this before, but i think i found my new favorite store.

i bought a red pocketbook style purse, an ivory envelope clutch and a black cord messenger bag. the first two are no-name but the last one is a fossil so i paid the premium price of $12.00. not bad. i don't know that i can buy anything else there (like clothes or coats or ... shudder... towels and underwear) but accessories, i can handle. i forgot to look for a belt, though. guess i'll have to go back tomorrow.

and i can't believe i've lived 30 years in Vancouver and have never had a pair of rain boots. i used my new pair today and it was fantastic! my pant hems aren't wet and neither are my feet. my pants are a bit wrinkled from stuffing them in the boot, but they'll get over it, as will i.

oh, and the wedding dress? i checked out the designer's website and fricken eh, i want to get married just so i can buy one of her dresses!

eve of the eve

i'm feeling pensive and reflective. i can't believe it's almost the end of the year. i see it on the calendar and i know it in my head, but it just doesn't feel like a year has gone by.

i'm starting to see a trend. every year for the past few years, Christmas has seemed like less of a "thing" and new years has been less monumental. my birthday has become less and less important, and i sometimes feel like i make a big deal about it because i'm supposed to. actually, if i remember correctly, i feel that way up to the day, and then the day of, i'm like a kid again. okay, so birthday is not included.

i don't know what it is. Christmas came and went. i love Christmas. i bought three gifts this year. i should have bought more gifts for more people because maybe it would've felt like the giving season again. i did participate in a couple of charity gift things, so that was part of it. we had a white Christmas, the first in about 10 years, and it still didn't feel like Christmas (maybe because our Christmases are normally green).

and new years eve is tomorrow. where did that come from? i've had my new years plans booked for about a month or so now, so i knew what i was going to do, but i almost just want to stay at home in my pyjamas. not unlike every other night this week. sad.

is it because i'm getting older or is it because i've become jaded? i don't want to think it's either. it can't be because i'm older. it's not an age thing with me. and being jaded just isn't an option. despite all of the crap that's gone on in my family the past three years, compared to other people i have an ideal family life. compared to. isn't that what it's all about?

life is about comparisons, whether you like it or not. i don't like it. my favorite quote is, "our greatest unhappiness comes when we compare ourselves to others." i don't know who the quote is attributed to, but it's always been one that hits home with me. whenever i am feeling particularly jealous or slighted or inferior or superior, i think about this quote because it is so true. i am never unhappy with my life until i start looking at other peoples' lives and wondering how they came about it. how can she afford to live that lifestyle? how is he so bright and clever?

it's not that i can't talk myself out of being envious and just come to terms with what i have. i've managed to make my peace with my body image and my decision not to go to law school. okay, so that's two things out of many. but i did it! so why can't i let go of other things? why do i make myself a prisoner to my thoughts, my wants? captive in my own head and by my own volition? there is a masochistic part of me that i can only deal with part of the time. sporadically.

why is it so hard to let go?

hack

my eyes are itchy. i've been with cold since Christmas Eve. it's gotten much better - i no longer sound like Barry White with bronchitis, but i still have the sore eyes and sniffly nose. i'm tired of drinking juice and hacking myself awake in the middle of the night. but if i only have to suffer like this once a year, then so be it.

i'm so bored.

2

she pooed today too. i'm definitely not getting a dog. not unless i have a backyard and a doggie door.

i can't say i miss her, but she was kind of nice to have around.

fawning

so when i saw him today, he said, "where were you? i thought you were going to come out after and meet us at Stella's?" i told him that i wanted to, but i didn't want to lug my stuff around. he said, "you could've put your bag in my car. that's what everyone else did." i said, "you had your car??? you didn't tell me that?" and so it went on. it ended with him saying, "i was disappointed you didn't join us." they ended up at Havana's and he said it was really nice. not busy, but a good vibe. i really wish i had gone. i let stupid little things hold me back from doing things i want to do. honestly, my bag? i didn't want to tote my bag around? apparently their group broke up the same time i headed home, so i guess i didn't miss too much.

he caught on that the two yunguns of the office were hanging off him and he told me he was counting on me to help him shake them. i told him we needed a signal, like in baseball. then we did a bunch of stupid, made-up signals and laughed. i enjoy being his friend.

the Ninja took me for my Christmas lunch today at Saltlick. MMMMM, i had The Best sandwich there. it was the daily special (i chose it over the clubhouse because our server said they only had it every now and then): shaved prime rib sandwich au jus, and skinny french fries. i could've done without the fries - yam fries have spoiled me for life. but the sandwich was so amazingly good, i only ate half of it (even though I was still hungry), just so i could have it for lunch tomorrow. so, so good. did i mention it was good?

Mon confessed to me that she bought 7 pairs of boots at Browns on the weekend. SEVEN! all Stuart Weitzman, all 70% off. so each pair was only about $200. i thought I had a problem. but it got me thinking that i need to swing by Browns on the way home tomorrow. oh wait, i still have the dog tomorrow afternoon. she peed on the carpet. i knew she would but i was hoping that she could hold out until i got home. 12 hours isn't too much to ask to hold a pee, is it? at least she waited until i took her out for her second Second of the day. she's lying beside me on the floor right now, snoring away. i should take her out for one last pee before i go to bed.

i should not get a dog.

midnight confessions

i find it interesting, in a psychanalytic way, that i can't admit a crush i have on someone, even to myself. is that weird? is that untruthful? does it mean more than i think it means? i admitted my crush to Nige a while back, but have not mentioned it to him since. he told me immediately that i should create some space. even he knows it won't end up well.

i can't even bring myself to admit it now. we had our office christmas party tonight. i was inwardly miffed that my crush didn't sit with me, but instead sat with The Student (NB - i should change her name. she's a lawyer now!). he only managed to come up to me when i moved to another table and was chatting with other people and taking pictures. i managed to take a couple of him and then (because I was sitting on a chair and he was standing behind me), i said, "come down here, i want to take a picture." so he put his arm around my neck and gave me a good squeeze and i took the picture. we both look drunk; everyone else says it's a good picture.

i feel guilty looking at the picture, you know? mooning over it, like he was someone that i could be with. he and The Student took off early and went to Stella's. he beckoned me to come with them and i was going to go, but i had that sneaking suspicion that nothing good would come of it.

i don't drink, but i tend to take advantage of the fact that other people do. especially on a night like tonight, when guards are down and people are a lot more relaxed. i know in my heart i would have tried something and i have a feeling that he wouldn't have been opposed to even a small advance.

ugh, i feel guilty just admitting it. ugh. UGH. don't get me wrong - i am not after him. he's married, with a 2 year old and twins on the way. i don't need to involve myself with that kind of drama. but it's slightly beyond crush, you know? ugh. UGH.

i just shivered. what is wrong with me???

snow

it's snowing. the first snow of the season. i had to drive home in but it wasn't so bad.

the General's 50th surprise party was tonight. it was fun. the Ninja was there sans Pop Tart, which is a good sign. maybe he actually is smart enough not to bring her to social gatherings that involve important people (i.e. his work colleagues and partners). she's an embarassment. i've never even met the girl, but i know this.

the General's wife came up to us and chatted for a bit. i guess she had gone up to Nicbal, who has fairly recently become the General's assistant, and said, "dear, who are you?" when Nicbal told her she said, "i thought you were a party crasher!" Nicbal then brought her to our group where she introduced everyone. when Mrs. General got to me, she shook my hand, recognized that we had met briefly at the office, repeated my name three or four times and said, "you're the only name he's brought home. i don't know the names of anyone else. except KSpazz. which one is she?" i was so tempted to ask her why he mentioned KSpazz, but i resisted. Mrs. General then went on to give us her condolences for having to work with the General. i thought that was funny.

all in all, an early night. i left at 10, but only because the snow looked like it was starting to get heavy and i didn't want to drive in it when it got bad. the Ninja must've been more drunk than i thought because he gave me a hug goodbye, which he never does.

i need a GPS unit, but apparently only when i drive in Richmond. that place, i don't even get. except that all roads lead to the airport.

celery

i'm obsessing again. i'm going backwards. i don't go backwards. but this guy was a good catch. we just didn't ... i don' t know. actually, i do know. i was stupid enough to give him the address to my previous blog. and then he read it and thought i was a headcase. in comparison to others, i don't think i'm much of a headcase, if at all. but he thought i was. had i not given him access to the blog, perhaps we would've lasted a little longer.

it turns out, we have mutual friends, although not in the facebook sort of way (and yes, he is on facebook. profile is locked, damn it!). i happened to mention his name to BrendaLou the other day (because she is a WV Girl) and she knows his sister. and she knows him. and his mother was just at her mother's house, buying some Christmas ornaments for her students. i'm hoping that BrendaLou takes it upon herself to re-connect us, but i don't think she will. i could send him a FB message, but that would be a bit much after three years, don't you think?

headcase indeed.

p.s. not that i'm obsessing about it, but first thing this morning when i stepped on the scale (after my morning pee, before my morning water or breakfast, without breathing and without moving too much to aggravate the position of the scale's needle), i was down almost 20 lbs. WTF.

truth and consequences

had coffee with MGF tonight. i still find my feelings for him, such that they are, difficult to define. on the one hand, i wish in a way that it was me he was marrying in july. on the other hand, i know i would never be able to trust him fully when it came to fidelity so why even belabour any regrets?

but i do, in a way, regret not "choosing" him when i had that option and i told him so last year. but in no way do i regret my relationship (such that it was!) with Mike. he taught me a very important lesson that i really needed to learn: that drama is not a requirement or a desire in any of my relationships. particularly over-drama. had i chosen MGF over Mike, i would not have learned that very important lesson that Mike inadvertently taught me. and who's to say that MGF and i would have worked out anyway?

i suppose the twisting i feel in my chest when i meet with MGF for our quarterly coffee dates is similar to the one i get when i think about the Ex and his getting married. i want to feel bad and feel hurt and feel cheated, but i don't. there is still a small part of me that wants to be the victim of "the one that got away", but the other, more sensible and mature part of me squashes that feeling. gives me a mental slap upside the head, so to speak.

i still have a lot to learn.

back to green

i spent the week eating chinese food, cinnamon buns, croissants and pizza, the latter being from work. i feel gross. i'm back to salads, except for the chocolate cravings i've been having. is it bad that i'm still eating chocolate, even though it doesn't taste good to me anymore? goes to show how deeply rooted my sweet tooth actually is.

my PMS really affects the way i perceive me and work. i know it's only a few days a month that i have to suffer through it (the PMS, i mean), but when my feelings about my job are magnified like that, it makes me wonder. but then i realized, i shouldn't wonder.

everyone is in the same position as me. i think at least half of people who are working are doing work that is not what they were trained to do or not challenging to them. but they do it because they're getting paid. i get paid well to do what i do, as i've always said (when i'm not on my high horse). i did the paralegal program so i could continue with the type of work i did at Crown, but get paid more. and now i am. i've determined a little substantive knowledge is a bad thing when put into the wrong head.

and we've also already determined that enough is never enough for me. if i were to go to law school, i would still face my challenges of not having complete autonomy and having people above me. once i became a lawyer, i'd just be an associate, not a partner. if i became partner, i'd want to be a judge. and even if i were a judge, my on-the-job actions would still be bound by the laws that govern. there is no real freedom in the corporate word. you are always accountable to someone. not that i don't want to be. but sometimes i do.

i shall challenge myself with other things - further courses, crosswords, languages...but not men. :)

did i mention i met the guy from the mixer a few weeks ago, Moe, for coffee last week? it was okay. i was tired and not feeling at all social so it was brief. i was feeling kind of bad about it. after all, the guy is in a new city and he doesn't know anyone here. his only family is in ottawa and it's just his sister. he's alone and he's just trying to make a friend and here i am, automatically assuming he wants to date me. i vowed that if he asked me to do something again that i would do it. well, he e-mailed me today and said he met a guy who was going to teach him salsa dancing in exchange for him teaching the salsa teacher how to do web design. i guess i'm going to learn how to salsa dance because he asked me if i wanted to go with him. i thought it sounded fun. will keep you posted.

hello, random.

trip

i miss my iPod. i have to endure over-hearing some of the most inane conversations on the skytrain. yesterday, i was on my way home and marking final exams. this group of hoodlums got on the train about two stops after i did and immediately continued their overly-loud, attention-getting conversation that had obviously started prior to boarding the train. i tried very hard to ignore it. but once i was finished my marking and then finished my crossword, i had no choice but to tune in and out of it. the gist? they were on their way to surrey to hang out in a park and get high. the loudest guy said, "i'm so excited!" this girl beside him said, "why? you aren't even high yet." and he said, "yeah, but we're going to be!"

really? Really. i seriously lost five IQ points just allowing myself to take that one exchange in.

my shoulders are killing me. i am going to buy some sort of posture-support brace because i just can't hold my shoulders back and sit straight like i should. i've maxed out on massage and physio visits covered under my extended for this year so i'm biding my time until january. maybe i should check out acupuncture as it is covered separately under medical.

my dad informed me that he's not buying us Christmas gifts this year. he's not expecting them either, but he ain't buying them for us for sure. i suppose i shouldn't expect a gift but that just means one less thing to open on Christmas day. i suppose he'll make us a nice Christmas dinner which will be nice (or will we end up at sharon's?) but i suppose the magic of Christmas that only kids really fully enjoy is now lost to me too.

i'm feeling particularly anti-social these days. i have a date with one of the guys i met at the mixer last month and i really don't want to go. i'm of two minds about the whole thing: 1) i should go out with him because i don't really know him and who knows? he might be a good friend; or 2) if the tables were turned, i wouldn't want to be going out with someone if i was really looking forward to seeing them but they were feeling either lukewarm or downright cold about seeing me, but were forcing themselves to see me because "who knows". i encourage Doc Tardy to explore her options, yet i am not that willing to explore mine. i don't find this guy particularly interesting but... who knows?

i know. maybe that's a bad attitude. i'm going to bed. i had a bad sleep last night and was a bear this morning.

greener

i don't know why i'm always looking, regardless of what it is. i'm always looking for a better pair of pants or a better face cream or a better looking guy to crush on. i always seem to be looking for a better job that pays better money and where the people respect your work and treat you as an equal.

i always want to learn something new instead of improving, and perfecting, what i already know. i'm always looking at going back to school and always looking at what different courses i can take, or how far i can go with another degree.

it's like i'm never 100% happy with what i have, even though what i have is generally pretty good. my work, while it can get very boring, can be pretty interesting when things heat up. for the most part, the people i work with respect me and my opinion and treat me pretty well. i have a pretty good education and earn a pretty good living (knock on wood).

i wrote to Nige the other day in answer to his question about whether i thought i wanted to find someone special to spend the rest of my life with and whether i thought i would. in my answer, i said to him, "i am most unhappy with my life when i compare what i have and what i have done with other people." it's true - if you compare yourself with what your friends have, you're bound to find someone who is much better off than you. you're also bound to find someone who is not as well off as you.

i think if i could stay on track and just focus on what i have and how i can make myself better, i would obsess less about keeping up with the rest of the world, even though i don't think that's what i'm doing. but i am. and it's driving me crazy.

maybe now that i now practice (for the most part) "No More Drama", it is no longer required as my mantra and i can use something else. How about:

Focus.......

draft of something

i've been skulking on a speed-dating website for some time now. i routinely receive their newsletters and i'll log on every now and then to look at the pictures of all the pretty singles having fun and meeting people. every once in awhile, it sparks something in me. nothing big enough to light the proverbial fire under my tush that would cause me to sign up for one of the events, but it sparks something nonetheless.

the other day, i opened my e-mail to find another newsletter from them. i wasn't in the mood to read up on what other people were getting up to, but i read it over quickly and found that it wasn't just any event notice - it was a FREE event notice.

not being someone who can resist anything free, much less something that i'm curious about, i clicked on the link and found that their speed dating event, taking place the very next night, had two spots available for women and those spots would be free to whomever responded first. i quickly e-mailed them and reserved the two spots for my girlfriend and i. she wasn't able to join me, but i decided i was going to go anyway.

the event was scheduled to start at 7:30 p.m. i arrived at about 7:20 p.m. and as i walked up to the door of the cafe it was being held at, i noticed that there was no one else there. i opened the doors, and there were two other women standing there. i smiled and said hello and commented about the lack of people at such a late hour. we ended up sitting together while waiting for the rest of the event-goers to show up.

as we sat and chatted (it was their first time speed-dating as well), men started to show up. lots and lots of men. they joined us at our table and we all started talking. it felt "against the rules" to be chatting up people you'd be soon learning about in the process anyway, but i thought i could warm up my "A" game before anything really started.

the concept is simple: in our case, there were two rows of eight tables. on the inside of the rows sat the women and the men rotated from table to table on the outside. we were all given cards with a list of the opposite sex's names - if I liked someone, i'd put a checkmark next to their name. if he liked me in return, he would check my name. we had five minutes per person to chat. let the games begin.

the first guy that sat with me worked in computers. when he talked, he wouldn't look directly at me but rather, would gaze just past me. if i was talking, he'd try to make eye contact. but the minute he started saying something, he would look off into the distance. no checkmark there.

the next guy was really nice - he loved the beach and hot weather and did jive dancing as a hobby. and he worked with computers.

a couple of guys later, i re-met one of the men that sat down with me and the other two girls at the beginning of the night. because we had already met, he started off by taking my hand, putting three different coins into my palm and asking me what he deemed a "skill-testing question" to see if i was more than just a pretty face. i passed. i had heard the riddle before (many times, the first time being on an episode of "The Brady Bunch"), so I ended up impressing him with my brain as well. it bothered me, slightly, that all he talked about was where he was going to take me for our first date. presumption is not exactly attractive in those kinds of situations.

another guy immediately launched into how embarrassed he was to be there and how he would never own up to having attended speed dating if asked. then he started talking about how his last relationship had just ended a couple of months prior. note to the brokenhearted out there: don't go to speed dating for therapy. five minutes is not enough time.

there was one guy who sat down and i immediately felt the chemistry as i gazed across the table at him. he didn't have much to say, but he said enough with his eyes. i made a mental note to check off his name when the time came. it did not bother me that he worked with computers.

the guy after that one was pleasant enough, but when the gong sounded, he immediately opened his card in front of me, made a very obvious motion of checking off my name, and then smiled and moved on to the next table. i was stymied. but i didn't do the same for him. the fact that he worked with computers probably didn't help.

and finally, the guy i had been eyeing since he had sat down beside me at the beginning of the night was sitting in front of me. he was a mixture of cute but geeky and smart but a bit shy. his family background was similar to mine (in that he actually spent a lot of time with his family) and he seemed like he was geniunely interested in what i had to say. he started off his career as an engineer (he's smart!) but was now teaching math and science at a high school (he cares!). his background was chinese and italian (he speaks fluent italian but doesn't look like he should!) did i mention he did not work with computers?

when the final gong rang and we all had a chance to review the list of names, i played it cautious and only checked off two names: the guy with the chemistry and the guy with a future.

i left the event feeling very positive and light-hearted. it was a lot of fun; more fun than i've ever had on my own with a room full of strangers.

i tried not to check my e-mail constantly for the next two days but i must say that when i received the matches e-mail two days later, i was excited. however, i had only matched with Mr. Chemistry. i guess Mr. Future did not feel the same about me as i did about him!

for a minute after realizing Mr. Future had not selected me, i felt a bit like one of the women at the rose ceremony on "The Bachelor". i thought we really had a connection. i thought we would've been great together. i thought i saw a future with him. but not to be. sob, sob, sob. ahem.

Mr. Chemistry contacted me immediately. we set up a coffee date for that weekend.

we met up and it was awkward. we chatted for awhile and it was awkward. i decided pretty early on in the meeting that this guy was not it. about an hour after we met up, i delivered my usual, date-ending line, "so, what are your plans for the rest of today?" and he shifted uncomfortably, smiled sheepishly and said, "well...uh...i'm going to meet another one of the girls i met at speed dating the other night." i tried not to laugh or show any reaction on my face. i merely said, "that's great!" when he walked me to the train and we parted ways, i wished him a good evening and good luck with the other girl.

back to the drawing board!

pattern

i was snarly today. i hated everything and every one. everything was stupid. everyone was a moron. at about 10 am, i said to myself, "Self, what is wrong with you??" and then i realized - i'm PMSing.

i forgot about my mood journal about mid-way through October so i will have to start again so i can see the pattern. but i think this pattern, the snarly-i-hate-everything pattern is firmly established. i feel ridiculous being so grumpy and miserable, but it's very hard to control. i figure i'm doing well because i'm not snapping at people or getting angry for no reason - all i do i stay quiet and stew in my own thoughts but apparently, that makes people edgy too. what, am i supposed be Little Miss Sunshine all the freaking time??? would they rather me ignore them or get angry at every stupid thing that makes me GRRR? i think i'd rather be ignored for the day and then be treated normally the next day, wouldn't you?

i wonder if the Rx needs to be changed up again. although, i'm not crying at random things so that's a plus. snarly-me is just really hard to deal with, even just for myself.

GRRRRRR. Rowr.

busy much?

i've been to three singles events in four days. i'm tired.

but i did get inspired to write about them. i wish i had approached saturday's event as research rather than social, because i think i could've gotten a good story out of it. actually, friday's cooking event would have been better as a story. maybe i can salvage something.

i met a seer at saturday's event. he made a generalization of me based on my birthdate and he was pretty accurate. he said he gives readings but he doesn't charge because it's a gift. it sounds like he's the real deal. he's also a career coach, which i think is funny, and yet somehow apt. he told me i should be working in sales or client relations because he felt i really enjoyed the meeting people aspect of work. i don't know about sales, but i would like to work in a job where i managed files and clients. maybe he's on to something.

i also met a guy named Moe. i don't know.