i was a little blue last night and of course, when i'm down, i look for pictures of my exes. i was on the Ex's mom's facebook page and found a picture of him with his parents and wife on their wedding day. i don't know how long ago they got married but if he still looks like that, well then i don't feel so bad about packing on a few pounds. he doesn't even look like the same guy. it made me happy :)
i went to bed after that and it was probably about 11 or so. i wake up this morning and have a message from the Ex that says, "Poke :)" WTF! do you think he has some sort of program that says who is searching for him? if so, i'd like that program!! it's just so weird and even now, i'm still a bit creeped out by the whole coincidence. i'll send a message back because i'm dying to know how he is but i'll wait until tomorrow. i have loads of things to do today and couldn't possibly formulate a proper response to such an eloquent e-mail as the one he sent me.
if you can't play mind games with your Ex, then why have an Ex at all?? ;)
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
tasteless
this taste bud issue is disheartening. not that i haven't said that already.
my grandma's birthday party was scheduled for yesterday but it didn't happen - my aunt is sick so it has been postponed til next week. having already purchased all the ingredients for my favorite dessert that has no trace of chocolate in it, i decided to make the strawberry cheesecake trifle anyways. i carefully sliced each strawberry. i whipped the cream cheese and icing sugar until it was smooth and spreadable. i tore the angel food cake into bite sized pieces. i carefully layered everything and placed it in the refrigerator to cool. i didn't even have any until this morning. and how was it? salty. MF.
and then, i'm quite certain it was the strawberries and cream cheese that gave me the migraine i've been nursing since yesterday. okay, i did make myself a small spoonful with the leftover mix and strawberries yesterday. and then i got a headache. WTF.
and because of the dairy, my tum is bloated so i'm feeling frustrated with the weight even though i know it's artificial girth growth. argh. i'm bringing the damn trifle with me to work tomorrow, although i have no idea if it's any good or not (did i put enough icing sugar? is there enough cake? is there too much sour cream?). oh well, someone will eat it. someone always eats it if you leave it on the counter. heh, heh, heh.
my grandma's birthday party was scheduled for yesterday but it didn't happen - my aunt is sick so it has been postponed til next week. having already purchased all the ingredients for my favorite dessert that has no trace of chocolate in it, i decided to make the strawberry cheesecake trifle anyways. i carefully sliced each strawberry. i whipped the cream cheese and icing sugar until it was smooth and spreadable. i tore the angel food cake into bite sized pieces. i carefully layered everything and placed it in the refrigerator to cool. i didn't even have any until this morning. and how was it? salty. MF.
and then, i'm quite certain it was the strawberries and cream cheese that gave me the migraine i've been nursing since yesterday. okay, i did make myself a small spoonful with the leftover mix and strawberries yesterday. and then i got a headache. WTF.
and because of the dairy, my tum is bloated so i'm feeling frustrated with the weight even though i know it's artificial girth growth. argh. i'm bringing the damn trifle with me to work tomorrow, although i have no idea if it's any good or not (did i put enough icing sugar? is there enough cake? is there too much sour cream?). oh well, someone will eat it. someone always eats it if you leave it on the counter. heh, heh, heh.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
rebel
after being bombarded with dozens upon dozens of E-Harmony commercials, both on TV and on the radio, i decided to fill out their questionnaire, mostly to get my personality profile.
i was instantly matched up with 12 guys with great profiles. the catch? unlike lavalife, you both have to be subscribers to communicate with each other (i.e. no freebies). i got a few requests to "exchange first questions" but i couldn't send them my answers because i wasn't a subscriber. at that point, i turned off the matching because i figured there was no point in being matched up with other guys if i couldn't communicate with them. then, i went to their subscription page thinking that i would pay the $20 for a month-long subscription just so i could meet a couple of the guys. well, the $20 subscription was the bulk deal - i'd have to sign up for 6 months to get that price! month-to-month was $60. i'd rather buy a pair of shoes, thanks.
instead, in the last question box, which was, "is there anything else you'd like your matches to know about you?" i said, "yes, my e-mail address is ...." and filled in one of my many web-based addresses. the next day, i get an "urgent" message saying that i had violated one of the terms of the agreement (i.e. i put my e-mail address in my profile!) and that they had turned off the matching feature and wouldn't turn it back on until i wrote to them, 'splaining why i violated the agreement. i thought, "big deal, i already turned off the matching." if my matches are smart, they'll read over my profile one more time before they close the match :)
did i mention that i haven't been able to taste anything properly for about two weeks now? it's certainly helping with my weight loss as i'm just so disheartened by the fact that everything tastes either salty or like nothing at all that i've decided only to eat when i am about to pass out. any other reason is pointless. i went to the doctor yesterday and she couldn't figure out what the cause was either. she told me to monitor the condition for another few weeks and if it didn't improve, then she would send me to a neurologist to get some tests done. i googled the symptoms and all i got were people with a salty taste in their mouth. i have a perpetual sweet taste in my mouth but when i eat chocolate (which i do a lot...at least, i used to), it tastes salty. in fact, almost everything tastes salty. but if it's not salty, then it is bland and tasteless. sad. so sad. the ironic part is that i've been trying to cut down on my salt intake because of the high-blood pressure incident a month ago. incidentally, they took my blood pressure and it's normal and so is my heartbeat. weirdness.
but if i had to see the silver lining in all of this (and there are a few), one would be that i'm going to drop some weight. guaranteed. the other is that it's not my sight or hearing that is affected. if i stopped being able to see and hear, then i don't think life would be worth living for much longer after that. it's not like i'm a gourmet who can taste individual spices and flavourings in a dish. i just like what i like. but if i couldn't listen to my music anymore or people watch, that would be tragic. i guess we all have our favorite senses. those would be my two.
i was entering a contest on www.concierge.com last night and boy, was i waxing poetic when submitting my entries! it made me think that i should start writing again. it's like i go in cycles - sometimes i can write and write and it's effortless. then all of a sudden i go into a slump and i can barely string a sentence together.
there's so much i want to do with the rest of my life, career-wise. in a way, it's unfortunate that i grew up so comfortable, because i don't know how to be uncomfortable. i had a small, tiny taste of that "living hand-to-mouth" feeling when i first moved out on my own and it sucked. i hated it. i feel like i'm now at a place in my life where i am comfortable on my own and i don't want to do anything to mess with that. but i'm having the school yearnings again. and i think if i ignore this one, it will be the big regret of my life. granted, i feel like that with every action i decide against but this one...well, i think this one is the real deal. so much so that i don't want to tell anyone about it because i think this one is it.
my dining room table is a mess.
i was instantly matched up with 12 guys with great profiles. the catch? unlike lavalife, you both have to be subscribers to communicate with each other (i.e. no freebies). i got a few requests to "exchange first questions" but i couldn't send them my answers because i wasn't a subscriber. at that point, i turned off the matching because i figured there was no point in being matched up with other guys if i couldn't communicate with them. then, i went to their subscription page thinking that i would pay the $20 for a month-long subscription just so i could meet a couple of the guys. well, the $20 subscription was the bulk deal - i'd have to sign up for 6 months to get that price! month-to-month was $60. i'd rather buy a pair of shoes, thanks.
instead, in the last question box, which was, "is there anything else you'd like your matches to know about you?" i said, "yes, my e-mail address is ...." and filled in one of my many web-based addresses. the next day, i get an "urgent" message saying that i had violated one of the terms of the agreement (i.e. i put my e-mail address in my profile!) and that they had turned off the matching feature and wouldn't turn it back on until i wrote to them, 'splaining why i violated the agreement. i thought, "big deal, i already turned off the matching." if my matches are smart, they'll read over my profile one more time before they close the match :)
did i mention that i haven't been able to taste anything properly for about two weeks now? it's certainly helping with my weight loss as i'm just so disheartened by the fact that everything tastes either salty or like nothing at all that i've decided only to eat when i am about to pass out. any other reason is pointless. i went to the doctor yesterday and she couldn't figure out what the cause was either. she told me to monitor the condition for another few weeks and if it didn't improve, then she would send me to a neurologist to get some tests done. i googled the symptoms and all i got were people with a salty taste in their mouth. i have a perpetual sweet taste in my mouth but when i eat chocolate (which i do a lot...at least, i used to), it tastes salty. in fact, almost everything tastes salty. but if it's not salty, then it is bland and tasteless. sad. so sad. the ironic part is that i've been trying to cut down on my salt intake because of the high-blood pressure incident a month ago. incidentally, they took my blood pressure and it's normal and so is my heartbeat. weirdness.
but if i had to see the silver lining in all of this (and there are a few), one would be that i'm going to drop some weight. guaranteed. the other is that it's not my sight or hearing that is affected. if i stopped being able to see and hear, then i don't think life would be worth living for much longer after that. it's not like i'm a gourmet who can taste individual spices and flavourings in a dish. i just like what i like. but if i couldn't listen to my music anymore or people watch, that would be tragic. i guess we all have our favorite senses. those would be my two.
i was entering a contest on www.concierge.com last night and boy, was i waxing poetic when submitting my entries! it made me think that i should start writing again. it's like i go in cycles - sometimes i can write and write and it's effortless. then all of a sudden i go into a slump and i can barely string a sentence together.
there's so much i want to do with the rest of my life, career-wise. in a way, it's unfortunate that i grew up so comfortable, because i don't know how to be uncomfortable. i had a small, tiny taste of that "living hand-to-mouth" feeling when i first moved out on my own and it sucked. i hated it. i feel like i'm now at a place in my life where i am comfortable on my own and i don't want to do anything to mess with that. but i'm having the school yearnings again. and i think if i ignore this one, it will be the big regret of my life. granted, i feel like that with every action i decide against but this one...well, i think this one is the real deal. so much so that i don't want to tell anyone about it because i think this one is it.
my dining room table is a mess.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
brick wall
why?
i'm chatting online with my cousin's girlfriend. they've been dating for almost 9 years and they've just gotten back together after another breakup over the "M" word. so i ask her whether they've started talking about it now that they're back together (because, what's the point in getting back together if you're not going to talk marriage, right?). she said that it was far too soon to be talking about marriage and that they're still trying to heal over the last bought of drama. huh?
then i asked her about how her fitness thing was going (because after they broke up, she started working out to get some aggression out and found out she loved it so she was going to take a personal trainer course and some day open up a gym), and she said that she had kind of loss her interest in it. but now she's looking into a real estate course or perhaps something else. she's still trying to find herself. whuh?
i know, i know. i have been there and i have done that and i could write the book about all the emotions that go with it. but because i've been there, i know. whatever version of herself she found when they were apart is being overshadowed by the her that was. it doesn't seem like there's been any growth in the six months they were apart. no growth means no lessons learned!!!
aaargh. why do i care? it's not my life and it doesn't affect me. but it hurts me to hear when people allow themselves to be railroaded - "allowed" being the operative word. BabyMan was telling me about his older brother who is going through a divorce. the brother and his wife are still living in the same house together, but his wife has a boyfriend and doesn't take care of the kids after work because she goes out with her boyfriend so the brother has to stay home with the kids. and when all is said and done, he's leaving the house (which is fully paid off, by the way) with just his clothes and some personal belongings. he's giving her everything. granted, he's doing that so he doesn't have to pay spousal support but that ends eventually!
why, why, why do i care? i spend so much time agonizing over other peoples' relationship mistakes and for what? i can't fix them. i can't tell them what to do. and they wouldn't do it even if i told them. i know people need to make their own mistakes but it kills me to see them making them!
probably a good thing i'm not a parent. my kid would be the most sheltered child ever.
i'm chatting online with my cousin's girlfriend. they've been dating for almost 9 years and they've just gotten back together after another breakup over the "M" word. so i ask her whether they've started talking about it now that they're back together (because, what's the point in getting back together if you're not going to talk marriage, right?). she said that it was far too soon to be talking about marriage and that they're still trying to heal over the last bought of drama. huh?
then i asked her about how her fitness thing was going (because after they broke up, she started working out to get some aggression out and found out she loved it so she was going to take a personal trainer course and some day open up a gym), and she said that she had kind of loss her interest in it. but now she's looking into a real estate course or perhaps something else. she's still trying to find herself. whuh?
i know, i know. i have been there and i have done that and i could write the book about all the emotions that go with it. but because i've been there, i know. whatever version of herself she found when they were apart is being overshadowed by the her that was. it doesn't seem like there's been any growth in the six months they were apart. no growth means no lessons learned!!!
aaargh. why do i care? it's not my life and it doesn't affect me. but it hurts me to hear when people allow themselves to be railroaded - "allowed" being the operative word. BabyMan was telling me about his older brother who is going through a divorce. the brother and his wife are still living in the same house together, but his wife has a boyfriend and doesn't take care of the kids after work because she goes out with her boyfriend so the brother has to stay home with the kids. and when all is said and done, he's leaving the house (which is fully paid off, by the way) with just his clothes and some personal belongings. he's giving her everything. granted, he's doing that so he doesn't have to pay spousal support but that ends eventually!
why, why, why do i care? i spend so much time agonizing over other peoples' relationship mistakes and for what? i can't fix them. i can't tell them what to do. and they wouldn't do it even if i told them. i know people need to make their own mistakes but it kills me to see them making them!
probably a good thing i'm not a parent. my kid would be the most sheltered child ever.
Monday, July 07, 2008
angels
my angels told me i was meant to have a dog and i was meant to have kids. it's complicated.
my mom went to a new-agey seminar with her friend a couple of weeks ago. she was so impressed by the speaker that she booked a private session. when she told me about it, i signed up too. you know how i love that shit.
without getting into details (because i can't tell you much more than what i already have!), i brought seven angels with me in this life. they're here to guide me with the questions i have about the things that are happening in my life. she even showed me how to communicate with them. and the eerie part is, it works. i can't tell you how. it's just weird.
so when i got home from the session, i tried it out. i started off with easy questions, like, "Am I meant to own a dog," and "Will I be a paralegal for the rest of my life." yes and no, in case you were wondering. i'm kind of scared to ask too many questions in case they stop answering me. but i already asked them if i could ask as many questions as i wanted and they said yes. i still won't ask them stupid things, like, "should i buy these shoes" (yes).
but the consultant said that, because i brought so many angels with me this time around, it means that my purpose on earth in this life is to help people. that makes sense. i have an idea of how i'm going to do that, but i have to do a little more research before i begin to really roll i around in my head. you know me - always about the research.
Doc Tardy and i went to see "The Flight of the Red Balloon" at the French Film Festival last week. sitting in the movie, which was very good for what it was, reminded me that i'm not an academic and for the life of me, i should only watch movies that are made for entertainment. when i got home, i had to google reviews to understand what actually happened in the movie. once i read that the balloon represented childhood fancifulness and also the waywardness of life (seriously), it made sense. but it also reminded me why i only watch rom-coms: life is curious and mystical enough and requires far too much thinking. my "escapes" should not be the sam way.
i had a night out with girlfriends on saturday night and it was so much fun. i was suppose to go and see the Howler's show but ended up just hanging out with the girls after dinner, and the rolling to another place for a drink. it was great because i got home at midnight and it felt like i had a full night. i'm finally starting to learn that a "night out" no longer means Denny's at 2 am for breakfast after the bar and then sleeping until noon on sunday. most importantly, it's okay that i'm home and in bed before the coach turns into a pumpkin!
hard to believe that the august long weekend is almost upon us. that means penticton! and then three weeks after that, san francisco! and then after that, i still have seven days of vacation left. don't ask, i don't know how i did it either. wait, yes i do. it was on my envisioning wish list for work :) this shit really works.
my mom went to a new-agey seminar with her friend a couple of weeks ago. she was so impressed by the speaker that she booked a private session. when she told me about it, i signed up too. you know how i love that shit.
without getting into details (because i can't tell you much more than what i already have!), i brought seven angels with me in this life. they're here to guide me with the questions i have about the things that are happening in my life. she even showed me how to communicate with them. and the eerie part is, it works. i can't tell you how. it's just weird.
so when i got home from the session, i tried it out. i started off with easy questions, like, "Am I meant to own a dog," and "Will I be a paralegal for the rest of my life." yes and no, in case you were wondering. i'm kind of scared to ask too many questions in case they stop answering me. but i already asked them if i could ask as many questions as i wanted and they said yes. i still won't ask them stupid things, like, "should i buy these shoes" (yes).
but the consultant said that, because i brought so many angels with me this time around, it means that my purpose on earth in this life is to help people. that makes sense. i have an idea of how i'm going to do that, but i have to do a little more research before i begin to really roll i around in my head. you know me - always about the research.
Doc Tardy and i went to see "The Flight of the Red Balloon" at the French Film Festival last week. sitting in the movie, which was very good for what it was, reminded me that i'm not an academic and for the life of me, i should only watch movies that are made for entertainment. when i got home, i had to google reviews to understand what actually happened in the movie. once i read that the balloon represented childhood fancifulness and also the waywardness of life (seriously), it made sense. but it also reminded me why i only watch rom-coms: life is curious and mystical enough and requires far too much thinking. my "escapes" should not be the sam way.
i had a night out with girlfriends on saturday night and it was so much fun. i was suppose to go and see the Howler's show but ended up just hanging out with the girls after dinner, and the rolling to another place for a drink. it was great because i got home at midnight and it felt like i had a full night. i'm finally starting to learn that a "night out" no longer means Denny's at 2 am for breakfast after the bar and then sleeping until noon on sunday. most importantly, it's okay that i'm home and in bed before the coach turns into a pumpkin!
hard to believe that the august long weekend is almost upon us. that means penticton! and then three weeks after that, san francisco! and then after that, i still have seven days of vacation left. don't ask, i don't know how i did it either. wait, yes i do. it was on my envisioning wish list for work :) this shit really works.
Friday, June 27, 2008
projection
i don't think i actually want a dog. i mean, i love dogs but i don't think i actually want one of my own. i don't think it has to do with a fear of commitment (although it does strike the fear of God into me when i think of taking care of something sentient other than myself). i think it has more to do with greed and self-interest than anything else. i've always wanted a dog. always, for my entire life. and yet i still don't have one. there's nothing and no one holding me back from getting one of my own and yet, i haven't done very much about it. i could've lied to the SPCA and told them i lived in a house with a big fenced yard and had a roommate that worked from home all the time. but i didn't. i told the truth because i knew the truth would prevent me from getting a dog. i'm sabotaging this because i don't feel it's right. why get a dog to curb my own feelings of loneliness (such that they are), only to have the dog be lonely because i'm never here? not fair. not right. no dog.
i am thinking of starting a vision board. i mean, i think i kind of have one started already (it has dogs on it). i think i just have to abandon all doubt that projecting what i want will bring me what i want, because subconsciously, i don't think i believe it. i was watching Harpo today and she had Louise Hay on again, talking about the law of attraction. i think i practice the law of attraction everyday, but i don't think i do it wholeheartedly with certain things and probably because i don't want to be disappointed if and/or when i don't get what i projected for. that's sort of detrimental to the law of attraction. that's the law of detraction. and that's not what i want.
i gotta throw it all out there - body, mind and soul. i have to let the universe know what i want - what i really want, and not just what i think i want because i've always wanted it - so that it will bring it to me. so that i can attract it. so that it will come to me. or whatever other manifestation of getting there is. i have to believe i deserve it and i have to really want it.
but first, i have to take the dogs down from my vision board.
i am thinking of starting a vision board. i mean, i think i kind of have one started already (it has dogs on it). i think i just have to abandon all doubt that projecting what i want will bring me what i want, because subconsciously, i don't think i believe it. i was watching Harpo today and she had Louise Hay on again, talking about the law of attraction. i think i practice the law of attraction everyday, but i don't think i do it wholeheartedly with certain things and probably because i don't want to be disappointed if and/or when i don't get what i projected for. that's sort of detrimental to the law of attraction. that's the law of detraction. and that's not what i want.
i gotta throw it all out there - body, mind and soul. i have to let the universe know what i want - what i really want, and not just what i think i want because i've always wanted it - so that it will bring it to me. so that i can attract it. so that it will come to me. or whatever other manifestation of getting there is. i have to believe i deserve it and i have to really want it.
but first, i have to take the dogs down from my vision board.
Friday, June 20, 2008
channeling carrie
i saw "sex and the city" tonight with a bunch girls from work. it was so much fun. we got there late so i was irritated (of course) because we were supposed to get there 30 minutes before but the restaurant took so long (with 10 orders, yeah, i think so) and then paying (does anyone have change?) and then the mixup with the tickets (will-call means you pick up the tickets - you can't just bring the printout and expect them to let you in). but we sat down (in the fourth row up from the gigangic screen) and the screen went dark and that oh-so-familiar piano tinkling and carrie-voice-over came on and i relaxed. it was so fun just sitting there with girlfriends, gasping at outrageous outfits and trying not to cry when Big messed up everything...again. i miss that. i miss having girlfriends.
as i sit here, typing away at my computer, not more than 24 minutes before i officially turn 32, i can't help but wonder why it had to change. why boyfriends and husbands and children and work became more important than girlfriends. why it's so difficult for people who live within 30 minutes driving distance of each other to get together once a month - a month! why when we do get together, it's more of a bitch session about how ungrateful their children are or how lazy their husbands are than catching up with each other's lives. i guess that's it. that is their life. and since life is about change, so change is a part of life. and i welcome change.
i was rejected by an SPCA partner today. it's ironic that i want to adopt a dog from the SPCA because it means i'm not supporting puppy mills and irresponsible breeders, but the SPCA won't let me adopt a dog because they don't feel i can take care of one. so, i have to go to a breeder instead. i don't get it. but i do.
eleven minutes. how did i get to 32? i still feel like i'm 25. that's a good thing.
here's to another great year. and to girlfriends that help make it that much better.
as i sit here, typing away at my computer, not more than 24 minutes before i officially turn 32, i can't help but wonder why it had to change. why boyfriends and husbands and children and work became more important than girlfriends. why it's so difficult for people who live within 30 minutes driving distance of each other to get together once a month - a month! why when we do get together, it's more of a bitch session about how ungrateful their children are or how lazy their husbands are than catching up with each other's lives. i guess that's it. that is their life. and since life is about change, so change is a part of life. and i welcome change.
i was rejected by an SPCA partner today. it's ironic that i want to adopt a dog from the SPCA because it means i'm not supporting puppy mills and irresponsible breeders, but the SPCA won't let me adopt a dog because they don't feel i can take care of one. so, i have to go to a breeder instead. i don't get it. but i do.
eleven minutes. how did i get to 32? i still feel like i'm 25. that's a good thing.
here's to another great year. and to girlfriends that help make it that much better.
Monday, June 09, 2008
hesitation
so, the breeder that Mon got her dogs at is selling some of her adults. i e-mailed the breeder and asked about both. she's selling them for $400 each (Mon says i should get both, because two is better than one).
i was going to send the breeder another email, asking whether she would consider loaning out the dogs to me over a weekend, just so i could see how they were and see whether we got along. as i was about to press "send" on the e-mail, a wave of anxiousness passed over me and i quickly backed the mouse cursor away.
i shouldn't be spending $400 on a dog right now (or $400 plus if i get the havanese, which is the one i'd want). i have my house insurance due at the end of the month, my property taxes have increased, i just spent $500 on a new timing belt for the Blue Bunny and i'm anticipating that my brakes will need to be done in the next few months two (after all, i'm still running on the original, 7+ year old brakes!). i have a holiday coming up in penticton that i'd have to cancel my b&b and bunk with my friend (and all the rest of her guests). i'd have to re-consider my trip to Prague and Vienna next Christmas. excuse, excuses...
just because i've always wanted something, doesn't mean i should get it. i've always wanted a dog and i've been waiting until i got out on my own to get one. i've been on my own for almost three years and no dog. not even a hint of one. my life would change so much if i got one. i'd have to come home right after work every day (no hanging out after work or stopping off somewhere before i came home). i'd have to get up even earlier to take the dog out for a morning walk. i'd have to find someone to take care of him whenever i went away somewhere that i couldn't take him (although, no shortage of dog-sitters with the people i work with!). the cost of maintaining a dog. what happens if he gets sick? i'd get pet insurance but pets are expensive. there's food and routine checkups that aren't covered by insurance. there's so much stuff. i can't be a SINK and own a dog!
i asked my dad if he wanted one. he immediately said no. i'm pretty certain, though, that if i got a dog, he'd soon be coming by to take it for a walk when he got home from work, every now and then. eventually, it would probably become his. maybe that's the solution. he'd eventually take it over so he wasn't lonely anymore, and i'd have a dog in my life but not full-time.
it's still going to cost me $400.
i was going to send the breeder another email, asking whether she would consider loaning out the dogs to me over a weekend, just so i could see how they were and see whether we got along. as i was about to press "send" on the e-mail, a wave of anxiousness passed over me and i quickly backed the mouse cursor away.
i shouldn't be spending $400 on a dog right now (or $400 plus if i get the havanese, which is the one i'd want). i have my house insurance due at the end of the month, my property taxes have increased, i just spent $500 on a new timing belt for the Blue Bunny and i'm anticipating that my brakes will need to be done in the next few months two (after all, i'm still running on the original, 7+ year old brakes!). i have a holiday coming up in penticton that i'd have to cancel my b&b and bunk with my friend (and all the rest of her guests). i'd have to re-consider my trip to Prague and Vienna next Christmas. excuse, excuses...
just because i've always wanted something, doesn't mean i should get it. i've always wanted a dog and i've been waiting until i got out on my own to get one. i've been on my own for almost three years and no dog. not even a hint of one. my life would change so much if i got one. i'd have to come home right after work every day (no hanging out after work or stopping off somewhere before i came home). i'd have to get up even earlier to take the dog out for a morning walk. i'd have to find someone to take care of him whenever i went away somewhere that i couldn't take him (although, no shortage of dog-sitters with the people i work with!). the cost of maintaining a dog. what happens if he gets sick? i'd get pet insurance but pets are expensive. there's food and routine checkups that aren't covered by insurance. there's so much stuff. i can't be a SINK and own a dog!
i asked my dad if he wanted one. he immediately said no. i'm pretty certain, though, that if i got a dog, he'd soon be coming by to take it for a walk when he got home from work, every now and then. eventually, it would probably become his. maybe that's the solution. he'd eventually take it over so he wasn't lonely anymore, and i'd have a dog in my life but not full-time.
it's still going to cost me $400.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
dancing machine
i signed up for a "bollywood jazz" class at the local rec centre and have been attending classes now for four weeks (two more classes to go). it's taught the "students" of the most sought-after bollywood choreographer today and my teacher, whose name i can't remember, is fricking awesome. he's a 5'3" Indian firecracker who is such an awesome teacher. i love this class so much, i've already signed up for the summer session, which is two classes a week for three weeks. you know how much i love this class? the summer sessions are on tuesdays and fridays, from 18:40 to 19:40. i am having so much fun!
other classes i've taken, whether it be for exercise or for interest, i always attend the first few sessions and skip the last few because i've lost interest. i can't imagine skipping this class. i'd miss out on all the fun!
i loved the bellydancing class i took last fall, but eventually stopped going to that. singing i really, really enjoyed but skipped at least one of those classes too. i can't believe i've finally found something that i love...i mean actually LOVE!
i also signed up for "cuban salsa" lessons in the summer, which also fall in the weeks of my bollywood classes. basically, i'll be dancing four out of five weekdays for three straight weeks. if i don't drop an inch or two after that, i'll have to consider liposuction.
on another note, i found out today that my cousin's ex-girlfriend (at least, i think she's still an ex, but you never know) is going with his family (heck, our whole family, except for my clan) to the Philippines for a cousin's wedding. color me confused, but i think that's kind of weird. i obviously don't know the back-story to all of this but perhaps i won't understand even if i did.
kind of like Mon and her loser of a boyfriend. he's finally moved out of her apartment (she kicked him out for cheating on her and lying to her about it...thrice), but she's still seeing him, still helping him out with his two legal matters (criminal and family - double whammy), still figuratively banging her head against the solid concrete wall. why do women do it?
i think i've been out of the game too long, but i do still understand that women do things in relationships that stymie those outside of those relationships. we know why they do it. we just can't understand why they do it. why they would put themselves through that. why????
i need to be more understanding or, at the very least, less judgmental. i've done a lot of stupid things in my past so I can't really talk. but then again, perhaps that's why i do talk - so that other people don't end up making the same mistakes i did.
and yet, then again, it's their mistake to make, just as it was mine.
sigh.
other classes i've taken, whether it be for exercise or for interest, i always attend the first few sessions and skip the last few because i've lost interest. i can't imagine skipping this class. i'd miss out on all the fun!
i loved the bellydancing class i took last fall, but eventually stopped going to that. singing i really, really enjoyed but skipped at least one of those classes too. i can't believe i've finally found something that i love...i mean actually LOVE!
i also signed up for "cuban salsa" lessons in the summer, which also fall in the weeks of my bollywood classes. basically, i'll be dancing four out of five weekdays for three straight weeks. if i don't drop an inch or two after that, i'll have to consider liposuction.
on another note, i found out today that my cousin's ex-girlfriend (at least, i think she's still an ex, but you never know) is going with his family (heck, our whole family, except for my clan) to the Philippines for a cousin's wedding. color me confused, but i think that's kind of weird. i obviously don't know the back-story to all of this but perhaps i won't understand even if i did.
kind of like Mon and her loser of a boyfriend. he's finally moved out of her apartment (she kicked him out for cheating on her and lying to her about it...thrice), but she's still seeing him, still helping him out with his two legal matters (criminal and family - double whammy), still figuratively banging her head against the solid concrete wall. why do women do it?
i think i've been out of the game too long, but i do still understand that women do things in relationships that stymie those outside of those relationships. we know why they do it. we just can't understand why they do it. why they would put themselves through that. why????
i need to be more understanding or, at the very least, less judgmental. i've done a lot of stupid things in my past so I can't really talk. but then again, perhaps that's why i do talk - so that other people don't end up making the same mistakes i did.
and yet, then again, it's their mistake to make, just as it was mine.
sigh.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
full-figured
i borrowed a book from the library the other day called, "The Science of Sexy", by bradley bayou, stylist to the stars. i didn't bother actually reading the book, cover to cover. instead, i looked to see what my shape was (rectangle) and looked on the height/weight chart to see what color i fit under so i could flip to the three pages that would tell me what i should and shouldn't wear. when i did so, i skimmed the pages, looked at the pictures and decided that, for the most part, i was dressing in the right shapes for my body. then, i looked at the beginning page of my section and it said, "Rectangle, Full-Figured." i paused and thought about it. i flipped through the rest of the book and tried to find what else i could have been. i found "petite" and "medium" descriptions and the back of the book was all "plus-sized". i was stymied. i went back to the height/weight chart and subtracted about 30 lbs from where i was, found the color and flipped to that page - "Rectangle, Medium". there was nothing between "medium" and "full-figured". it then occurred to me: i'm full-figured. i'm not medium anymore!
you know that show, "how to look good naked?" they do a "figure line-up" where models of a certain shape and general size, on each end of the size spectrum, line up and the subject-guest has to place herself where she thinks she is on the scale? she almost always picks at least three sizes bigger than she actually is (i.e. women's body perceptions are skewed). if i were on that show, i'd place myself where i thought i fit in, and they would have to do a re-take because carson kressley can't say, "no, honey, you're not that thin."
honestly, in my mind's eye, i still think i look like i did when i was 21. i get dressed in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "i still look the same. why don't thost damn pants fit me then?" it shocks me sometimes to see myself in pictures because i don't think i've gained that much size. but i have. i really have.
i picked up another book at the library, totally unrelated to fashion, called "Everyday Commitments - Choosing a Life of Love, Realism, and Acceptance", by david richo. when i skimmed through it, i decided to borrow it because i thought i had picked up on the premise - make a commitment to yourself everyday and keep it. if you can keep a commitment to yourself, then you can be committed to other things in your life too.
when i got down to reading it, i was different than i thought. it's still something i am going to practice, but it had nothing to do with keeping particular commitments to the self. but i'm still stuck on that thought. after all, i can keep promises to other people but i can't keep them to myself. why do i not think i'm worthy of keeping a commitment to?
so, here is my commitment to myself: i'm going to make better efforts to trim down and get myself back into shape. i'll never look like heidi klum, but then again, it's not my job to look model-perfect everyday. but i can look more like i did two years ago...or seven years ago...or maybe even ten years ago. i just have to believe that i am worthy of that promise.
i think i am.
you know that show, "how to look good naked?" they do a "figure line-up" where models of a certain shape and general size, on each end of the size spectrum, line up and the subject-guest has to place herself where she thinks she is on the scale? she almost always picks at least three sizes bigger than she actually is (i.e. women's body perceptions are skewed). if i were on that show, i'd place myself where i thought i fit in, and they would have to do a re-take because carson kressley can't say, "no, honey, you're not that thin."
honestly, in my mind's eye, i still think i look like i did when i was 21. i get dressed in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "i still look the same. why don't thost damn pants fit me then?" it shocks me sometimes to see myself in pictures because i don't think i've gained that much size. but i have. i really have.
i picked up another book at the library, totally unrelated to fashion, called "Everyday Commitments - Choosing a Life of Love, Realism, and Acceptance", by david richo. when i skimmed through it, i decided to borrow it because i thought i had picked up on the premise - make a commitment to yourself everyday and keep it. if you can keep a commitment to yourself, then you can be committed to other things in your life too.
when i got down to reading it, i was different than i thought. it's still something i am going to practice, but it had nothing to do with keeping particular commitments to the self. but i'm still stuck on that thought. after all, i can keep promises to other people but i can't keep them to myself. why do i not think i'm worthy of keeping a commitment to?
so, here is my commitment to myself: i'm going to make better efforts to trim down and get myself back into shape. i'll never look like heidi klum, but then again, it's not my job to look model-perfect everyday. but i can look more like i did two years ago...or seven years ago...or maybe even ten years ago. i just have to believe that i am worthy of that promise.
i think i am.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
thinking, feeling and being
i'm not fat. but somedays, i feel like i am. it's not the same as being fat. i wish people would realize that.
feeling you are something, thinking your are something and being something are sometimes three different things. somedays, as we all know, i feel crazy. but (most days) i'm not.
i was reading a back-post on my favorite blog and in one of her posts, she complained that because of the cold weather and the clothes she had to wear to keep warm, she felt fat. the first comment was something to the effect of, "take it from a big woman whose had a lot of therapy to come to grips with he weight - you're not fat." no, she didn't say she was fat - she said she felt fat. different.
i got an e-mail from a former classmate and fellow paralegal today. she must have had her annual salary review because she asked us all what a 3 year paralegal should be making. she said her HR person lowballed her (although she didn't give a number), but she thinks she should be making about $50 to 60K. i hate this, because i've recently accepted my own salary as what i should be earning, and now someone is suggesting that i should be making more.
like i told her in my response e-mail, it really all depends on the type of work you do, the level of experience you've gained, the type of law you work in and what is actually expected of you. i don't work overtime or weekends or take work home with me. i don't have a billable target for the year. and i'm going to be getting flex days. so the fact that i'm making a comfortable salary that happens to be under $50K sucks, but may very well be fair. let's face it - i don't have to work very hard and i have a lot of pull at my firm. i have a very good reputation and i don't want a war-over-wages to ruin that. at the same time, if i know that all of my friends from class are making more than i am, there is something fundamentally wrong with that.
i think i make enough. i feel i should make more. i don't know if i make what is actually fair.
luckily, i'm still very chill from my holidays, so nothing's really bothering me right now. what a difference a vacation makes. before i left, i was stumbling into work five or ten minutes late and leaving as soon as practically possible after 4pm (provided my 6.5 hours were duly recorded). now, i've been into work happily about 7:45 each morning, leaving equally happily at about 4:30 or 5. i think the exercise helps, but i think the brain vacation helped more.
i need to do it more often!
feeling you are something, thinking your are something and being something are sometimes three different things. somedays, as we all know, i feel crazy. but (most days) i'm not.
i was reading a back-post on my favorite blog and in one of her posts, she complained that because of the cold weather and the clothes she had to wear to keep warm, she felt fat. the first comment was something to the effect of, "take it from a big woman whose had a lot of therapy to come to grips with he weight - you're not fat." no, she didn't say she was fat - she said she felt fat. different.
i got an e-mail from a former classmate and fellow paralegal today. she must have had her annual salary review because she asked us all what a 3 year paralegal should be making. she said her HR person lowballed her (although she didn't give a number), but she thinks she should be making about $50 to 60K. i hate this, because i've recently accepted my own salary as what i should be earning, and now someone is suggesting that i should be making more.
like i told her in my response e-mail, it really all depends on the type of work you do, the level of experience you've gained, the type of law you work in and what is actually expected of you. i don't work overtime or weekends or take work home with me. i don't have a billable target for the year. and i'm going to be getting flex days. so the fact that i'm making a comfortable salary that happens to be under $50K sucks, but may very well be fair. let's face it - i don't have to work very hard and i have a lot of pull at my firm. i have a very good reputation and i don't want a war-over-wages to ruin that. at the same time, if i know that all of my friends from class are making more than i am, there is something fundamentally wrong with that.
i think i make enough. i feel i should make more. i don't know if i make what is actually fair.
luckily, i'm still very chill from my holidays, so nothing's really bothering me right now. what a difference a vacation makes. before i left, i was stumbling into work five or ten minutes late and leaving as soon as practically possible after 4pm (provided my 6.5 hours were duly recorded). now, i've been into work happily about 7:45 each morning, leaving equally happily at about 4:30 or 5. i think the exercise helps, but i think the brain vacation helped more.
i need to do it more often!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
turtle
i fell while on a moving bus today. i had rung for my stop and started to walk (using the poles and hand straps provided) towards the exit door. the bus driver decided to brake suddenly (a few feet before the actual stop, naturally) and i lost my grip on the pole. i was wearing heels and was just stepping off the first step down from the back upper level of the bus. so, i turned on my heel (promptly twisting it), grasped for air and fell flat on my back, knocking my sun glasses off my head. how embarrasing! i would've been more hurt if i hadn't been wearing my backpack but luckily, it broke my fall. i felt like a turtle on its back. this guy that was sitting in front of my came to see if i was okay and the bus driver stopped the bus, walked back towards me to see if i was okay, and took one look at my shoes and said jovially, "you'd better be careful on those heels. next time, sit closer to the door!" i was tired and hungry so i waved off any help, said i was okay, and went home and began employing the RICE principle. i've iced my ankle. it's currently wrapped in a pashmina to reduce mobility (like i own a tensor bandage!). and i've been sitting with my ankle elevated on two pillows.
i'll be hobbling onto the plane on thursday.
i'll be hobbling onto the plane on thursday.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
worth
i finally had my annual review yesterday (only four months behind schedule). i had in my mind what i wanted to say about my job and what i wanted for a salary increase. i was going to stick to my guns. i even received the BCPA salary survey in the mail the day before. it was like fate.
well, my salary did increase over and above the 3% cost of living increase, which is fantastic. but, it's $1200 less annually than what i had decided i would agree to / settle for. $1200. for the partnership, not a lot a year. only $100 more per month. daily, it would be less than what some of them pay for lunch everyday. or beer.
my admin told me that the salary is negotiable and that i should write a memo outlining what i would like and why i think i deserve it (basically).
and now, i've sat down to write it. and i'm wondering if it's even worth asking for. i know that i'm worth it. i feel i bring a lot of value to the firm, if not all through my work. i'm sure that if i were to find somewhere else to work and quit my current job, $1200 wouldn't be much to offer me to stay. i like to think they would offer me that to stay.
but then i remember that i've only been in this job for 2.5 years. and i've only been doing real paralegal work for less than a year. am i being greedy? or am i talking myself out of something i deserve (yet again)?
it's a difficult thing to do, determining what you're worth to a company. i took a glance over the salary survey and, while there are people who are earning more than me with the same level of experience (probably less, since I still have my legal secretary background and four years of it), they didn't get a bonus and they actually have targets they have to meet. plus, they work at least 15 hours a week more than i do.
am i talking myself out of requesting more money? probably. am i sorry i'm doing it? probably will be later. but i think i'll wait until i get back from my holiday to make any decisions, either big or small.
six more days!
well, my salary did increase over and above the 3% cost of living increase, which is fantastic. but, it's $1200 less annually than what i had decided i would agree to / settle for. $1200. for the partnership, not a lot a year. only $100 more per month. daily, it would be less than what some of them pay for lunch everyday. or beer.
my admin told me that the salary is negotiable and that i should write a memo outlining what i would like and why i think i deserve it (basically).
and now, i've sat down to write it. and i'm wondering if it's even worth asking for. i know that i'm worth it. i feel i bring a lot of value to the firm, if not all through my work. i'm sure that if i were to find somewhere else to work and quit my current job, $1200 wouldn't be much to offer me to stay. i like to think they would offer me that to stay.
but then i remember that i've only been in this job for 2.5 years. and i've only been doing real paralegal work for less than a year. am i being greedy? or am i talking myself out of something i deserve (yet again)?
it's a difficult thing to do, determining what you're worth to a company. i took a glance over the salary survey and, while there are people who are earning more than me with the same level of experience (probably less, since I still have my legal secretary background and four years of it), they didn't get a bonus and they actually have targets they have to meet. plus, they work at least 15 hours a week more than i do.
am i talking myself out of requesting more money? probably. am i sorry i'm doing it? probably will be later. but i think i'll wait until i get back from my holiday to make any decisions, either big or small.
six more days!
Friday, April 18, 2008
begging the question
as i walked to the train after work today, i heard sobbing behind me. not just sniffling. not just crying. but sobbing. i turned around and saw, about five feet behind me, a woman with dark sunglasses on and her coat collar turned up, and she was audibly weeping.
i immediately felt that wanted to help her. but how do you ask a perfect stranger if they want to talk about what's bothering them? i kept walking, and she kept crying behind me. finally, i decided to slow down and let her catch up with me. as she walked by me, i said the only thing i could say, "are you okay?"
obviously, she was not okay. they were not tears of joy. she was not suffering with allergies that caused uncontrollable eye-watering. she was so the opposite of "okay" at that point in time.
she managed to choke out, "i'm fine," and walked by me. i felt better, at least knowing that i tried. not very hard, but who wants to be pushed into spilling their guts by a total stranger?
i had my review at work today. more like a whining session but my admin, once again, emphasized that no one wanted me to leave so they wanted to make me happy. i asked for flex days. i asked for a headset for my phone (the numb fingers thing). i even asked for office space once they got it (whenever that is). i should've also asked for more holidays but i figured i might be pushing it. when she gave me the piece of paper that said what my salary increase was, i wasn't too disappointed. but it was still $1,200.00 less than what i wanted. i asked if the salary was negotiable and she said it was. i am to write a memo outlining why i would like the increase.
they want a memo? i'll give them a memo, with appendices and all! for less than a sandwich a day, i could get exactly what i want.
i did confess to my admin that i wasn't sure that my job was it for me. i emphasized that a lot of my frustration these days is just tiredness. i just need a vacation. i told her that my plan was to take my holiday next week, relax and think about nothing, and then come home and re-assess my place in the world. she told me to come back and see her after i had done my assessment.
i think i will.
i immediately felt that wanted to help her. but how do you ask a perfect stranger if they want to talk about what's bothering them? i kept walking, and she kept crying behind me. finally, i decided to slow down and let her catch up with me. as she walked by me, i said the only thing i could say, "are you okay?"
obviously, she was not okay. they were not tears of joy. she was not suffering with allergies that caused uncontrollable eye-watering. she was so the opposite of "okay" at that point in time.
she managed to choke out, "i'm fine," and walked by me. i felt better, at least knowing that i tried. not very hard, but who wants to be pushed into spilling their guts by a total stranger?
i had my review at work today. more like a whining session but my admin, once again, emphasized that no one wanted me to leave so they wanted to make me happy. i asked for flex days. i asked for a headset for my phone (the numb fingers thing). i even asked for office space once they got it (whenever that is). i should've also asked for more holidays but i figured i might be pushing it. when she gave me the piece of paper that said what my salary increase was, i wasn't too disappointed. but it was still $1,200.00 less than what i wanted. i asked if the salary was negotiable and she said it was. i am to write a memo outlining why i would like the increase.
they want a memo? i'll give them a memo, with appendices and all! for less than a sandwich a day, i could get exactly what i want.
i did confess to my admin that i wasn't sure that my job was it for me. i emphasized that a lot of my frustration these days is just tiredness. i just need a vacation. i told her that my plan was to take my holiday next week, relax and think about nothing, and then come home and re-assess my place in the world. she told me to come back and see her after i had done my assessment.
i think i will.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
waxing and waning
well, i think i'm a little less despairing than i was in my last post. not any less frustrated but a little less suicidal!
i'm currently a fan of a fellow-blogger. i came upon her site when i was trying to figure out what shoes to wear (i.e. flats or heels) with jeans and a dress. this is her site: http://whatiwore2day.blogspot.com/
she has such style! some of her outfits are a little too wild for me but she carries even the weirdest (for someone as conservative as me, that is) combos of pieces with such confidence that i have to admire her chutzpah. she's recently posted her outfits from the past couple of years and i must say, she used to be just a regular ol' dresser like yours truly. i have hope!!
i've been on the weather watch for punta cana lately. honestly, if it rains once in awhile while i'm there, i don't care too much. but i don't want any thunderstorms or hurricanes! my mom, ever the pseudo-storm chaser, is hoping for a hurricane but i think that's insanity and a bit of dementia on her part. i just want to get a tan, swim a bit, relax and remember what it feels like to be somewhat sane, if only for a little while.
i got some new exercises from my physiotherapist. we'll see how it works. i go back again tomorrow. she's going to work on my arm tomorrow. hopefully that helps with the shooting pains. i've almost given up on the numbness in my fingers. almost.
my apartment is a mess.
i'm currently a fan of a fellow-blogger. i came upon her site when i was trying to figure out what shoes to wear (i.e. flats or heels) with jeans and a dress. this is her site: http://whatiwore2day.blogspot.com/
she has such style! some of her outfits are a little too wild for me but she carries even the weirdest (for someone as conservative as me, that is) combos of pieces with such confidence that i have to admire her chutzpah. she's recently posted her outfits from the past couple of years and i must say, she used to be just a regular ol' dresser like yours truly. i have hope!!
i've been on the weather watch for punta cana lately. honestly, if it rains once in awhile while i'm there, i don't care too much. but i don't want any thunderstorms or hurricanes! my mom, ever the pseudo-storm chaser, is hoping for a hurricane but i think that's insanity and a bit of dementia on her part. i just want to get a tan, swim a bit, relax and remember what it feels like to be somewhat sane, if only for a little while.
i got some new exercises from my physiotherapist. we'll see how it works. i go back again tomorrow. she's going to work on my arm tomorrow. hopefully that helps with the shooting pains. i've almost given up on the numbness in my fingers. almost.
my apartment is a mess.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
just call me george
ever feel like your life has no purpose? i feel that today. i feel like everything i've done to this point has had no impact on the world or the people around me and that i'm still wandering aimlessly. i feel like george bailey in "it's a wonderful life", except at the very beginning of the movie, not at the end.
Mon asked Niko, the Ninja's new assistant, to help her today. you know what she asked her to do? research. so i jokingly said, "bill it to my number, would you?" and the minute i said that, i opened up a can of worms, the inhabitants of which are now burrowing tiny holes into my head and heart. i heard Mon say that she wasn't allowed to give me stuff to do which is why she gave the project to Niko. but Mon has no problem asking me to track down files or photocopy stuff. she doesn't think twice about asking me to do revisions on letters or mail things out for her. but to do actual paralegal work - work that i've been trained to do but never actually used my skills? nope, she gives that to someone who has been working in litigation for all of 6 weeks. thanks for the vote of confidence.
it just made me realize further that no one actually sees me as a paralegal at the firm. how could they? i started as a legal secretary and will always be that in some people's eyes. my own boss sees me as a faithful assistant rather than a trained and knowledgable member of the team.
i know i'm just tired and need a vacation. but i'm tired of complaining about the work i get and the people i work with. nothing is being done and nothing is changing, even though i'm on the path to change. i know i need to wait until i get back from holidays to make any rash decisions but i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm tired. i don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to go to work anymore, feeling like i serve no other purpose but to be a seat warmer and accurate typist. i'm tired of everything. i'm tired of feeling like my two years of studying to be a paralegal were all for nought. i'm tired of spending my days hole punching documents and making pretty binders.
fuck the binders!
i'm tired. i'm tired of being tired. something must be done.
Mon asked Niko, the Ninja's new assistant, to help her today. you know what she asked her to do? research. so i jokingly said, "bill it to my number, would you?" and the minute i said that, i opened up a can of worms, the inhabitants of which are now burrowing tiny holes into my head and heart. i heard Mon say that she wasn't allowed to give me stuff to do which is why she gave the project to Niko. but Mon has no problem asking me to track down files or photocopy stuff. she doesn't think twice about asking me to do revisions on letters or mail things out for her. but to do actual paralegal work - work that i've been trained to do but never actually used my skills? nope, she gives that to someone who has been working in litigation for all of 6 weeks. thanks for the vote of confidence.
it just made me realize further that no one actually sees me as a paralegal at the firm. how could they? i started as a legal secretary and will always be that in some people's eyes. my own boss sees me as a faithful assistant rather than a trained and knowledgable member of the team.
i know i'm just tired and need a vacation. but i'm tired of complaining about the work i get and the people i work with. nothing is being done and nothing is changing, even though i'm on the path to change. i know i need to wait until i get back from holidays to make any rash decisions but i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm tired. i don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to go to work anymore, feeling like i serve no other purpose but to be a seat warmer and accurate typist. i'm tired of everything. i'm tired of feeling like my two years of studying to be a paralegal were all for nought. i'm tired of spending my days hole punching documents and making pretty binders.
fuck the binders!
i'm tired. i'm tired of being tired. something must be done.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
getting old
no one hates getting old more than i do. i'm seeing the little white hairs peeking through the black hair around my temples. i've started noticing that my laugh lines (which were never there with much prominence before) are starting to deepen. I even have the fine lines under my eyes now too.
but my biggest complaint to-date is my ever-expanding problem of muscle soreness and stiffness. for the past few months, i've been experiencing numbness and tingling in my left arm. back in january, i went for 2 sessions of massage therapy which helped. but because i favour sleeping on my left side, the problem came back within a month or so. i went for more massages but nothing has helped. in fact, as i type, there is a shooting pain in my forearm near my elbow and my left hand is going numb. things are better when i stand. but i can't stand forever.
my doctor seemed unconcerned (big surprise there). she suggested i go for physiotherapy, which i will be doing on tuesday. i was talking to the Ninja about it at work and when i described the pain i was having (which, i'm noticing today is now also in my right arm...oh, god, i hope it's not arthritis), he immediately pointed to his neck and said, "neck problems. i have the exact same problem. you need a chiropractor." i just had to get up and wander around for a minute because my arms were starting to seize. this is not good.
physio on tuesday and then, if no improvement, i'm going to get cracked.
but my biggest complaint to-date is my ever-expanding problem of muscle soreness and stiffness. for the past few months, i've been experiencing numbness and tingling in my left arm. back in january, i went for 2 sessions of massage therapy which helped. but because i favour sleeping on my left side, the problem came back within a month or so. i went for more massages but nothing has helped. in fact, as i type, there is a shooting pain in my forearm near my elbow and my left hand is going numb. things are better when i stand. but i can't stand forever.
my doctor seemed unconcerned (big surprise there). she suggested i go for physiotherapy, which i will be doing on tuesday. i was talking to the Ninja about it at work and when i described the pain i was having (which, i'm noticing today is now also in my right arm...oh, god, i hope it's not arthritis), he immediately pointed to his neck and said, "neck problems. i have the exact same problem. you need a chiropractor." i just had to get up and wander around for a minute because my arms were starting to seize. this is not good.
physio on tuesday and then, if no improvement, i'm going to get cracked.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
slouch!
in more ways than one.
it's been about two months since i last wrote. i've been busy! the teaching thing is almost over (my last class is monday) and i must say, i've learned a lot. A LOT! it's amazing how much you don't know about your own job, until you try to teach it to other people who have "outsider" questions.
did i enjoy it? yes.... will i do it again? yes.... do you feel a "but" coming on? yes.... i liken my teaching days to going to the gym - the mere thought of going sent me into a mild depression and whenever i walked out the door to leave for class, it felt more like i was going to get my teeth extracted by a medieval dentist. but once i was there and i was in the groove, i felt pretty damn good.
the cat is gone. i missed her for about two days. then, the realization that i didn't have to watch where i sat for fear of cat hair, sunk in. no more animal hair! life is good.
i'm getting fatter. i'm trying to exercise but my sweet tooth has been unbelieveable lately. actually, my food tooth has been worse. i've been over-eating a lot lately and i can't stop myself from doing so. perhaps i need to try a bit harder.
i'm not doing much better on the money front either (as i type away on my brand-spanking new computer!). instead of spending money on clothes, i spend money on food (see the problem one paragraph above). but, i have a plan and i will pay off my amex by june! well, i'll pay off the old stuff by june. once i go on holidays, i'll rack up a few more hundred dollars.
which brings me to my next piece of news: i'm going on holidays. not sure when exactly, nor where, nor with whom, but the idea is firmly implanted in my brain and we all know what that means: aut viam inveniam aut faciam.
it's the end of daylight savings time so we're springing forward tonight. which means when i go into work tomorrow (yes, on a sunday), i'll actually be there at 9am and not 10. ouch.
i was on the skytrain yesterday, coming home from work. it was about 6:30. there was this kid, probably about 6 or 7 but no more than that, with his mom. there were no seats for his mom so he sat down. he was the cutest thing. very well-behaved and so sweet and innocent-looking. when a spot beside him freed up, he pointed to it and said something to his mom (don't know what he said because it was in Korean or something but i can only assume he was telling her to sit down) and she told him that it was okay, she would stand. he started to drift off to sleep, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier as the train went on. he was the epitome of a child for me at that moment. and i felt myself starting to tear up. i'm not hormonal (that i know of) so i don't know why it made me teary. in a sad way too. is it the biological clock ticking? are my maternal feelings starting to grow stronger?
not surprisingly, i ended up having a bit of a meltdown last night. i was watching an episode i had taped of "Eli Stone", and the part where he's telling the judge at his disbarment hearing that he's always wanted to be a lawyer and can't imagine his life without his work, i broke down. i had an absolute meltdown. i felt like my life was pointless. i've been drifting aimlessly for 31 years and may continue to do so for another 31. i couldn't figure out why it was bothering me so much.
it's no secret that i've always envied people who have known what they wanted to do for a career for their whole life. while most days, i don't mind thinking that another, more fulfilling career is just around the corner, once in awhile i wonder why i just can't be happy doing what i'm doing.
the truth is, i do love my job still. sure, i'm frustrated right now but i think that has more to do with how i'm seeing things than what's actually happening. sure, lawyers i don't work for are asking me to help them when their assistants are away on holidays or are sick. instead of complaining about how they should have asked for a temp to sit at their desk, i should be flattered that they are singling me out (partners, no less!) to do their work for them. they may be menial tasks, but they know i won't screw them up.
once i come back from the Dominican, i will be refreshed and ready to go again. but until then, i'm hanging on by some very frayed, emotional strings.
and i'm still slouching. at least when i'm sitting.
it's been about two months since i last wrote. i've been busy! the teaching thing is almost over (my last class is monday) and i must say, i've learned a lot. A LOT! it's amazing how much you don't know about your own job, until you try to teach it to other people who have "outsider" questions.
did i enjoy it? yes.... will i do it again? yes.... do you feel a "but" coming on? yes.... i liken my teaching days to going to the gym - the mere thought of going sent me into a mild depression and whenever i walked out the door to leave for class, it felt more like i was going to get my teeth extracted by a medieval dentist. but once i was there and i was in the groove, i felt pretty damn good.
the cat is gone. i missed her for about two days. then, the realization that i didn't have to watch where i sat for fear of cat hair, sunk in. no more animal hair! life is good.
i'm getting fatter. i'm trying to exercise but my sweet tooth has been unbelieveable lately. actually, my food tooth has been worse. i've been over-eating a lot lately and i can't stop myself from doing so. perhaps i need to try a bit harder.
i'm not doing much better on the money front either (as i type away on my brand-spanking new computer!). instead of spending money on clothes, i spend money on food (see the problem one paragraph above). but, i have a plan and i will pay off my amex by june! well, i'll pay off the old stuff by june. once i go on holidays, i'll rack up a few more hundred dollars.
which brings me to my next piece of news: i'm going on holidays. not sure when exactly, nor where, nor with whom, but the idea is firmly implanted in my brain and we all know what that means: aut viam inveniam aut faciam.
it's the end of daylight savings time so we're springing forward tonight. which means when i go into work tomorrow (yes, on a sunday), i'll actually be there at 9am and not 10. ouch.
i was on the skytrain yesterday, coming home from work. it was about 6:30. there was this kid, probably about 6 or 7 but no more than that, with his mom. there were no seats for his mom so he sat down. he was the cutest thing. very well-behaved and so sweet and innocent-looking. when a spot beside him freed up, he pointed to it and said something to his mom (don't know what he said because it was in Korean or something but i can only assume he was telling her to sit down) and she told him that it was okay, she would stand. he started to drift off to sleep, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier as the train went on. he was the epitome of a child for me at that moment. and i felt myself starting to tear up. i'm not hormonal (that i know of) so i don't know why it made me teary. in a sad way too. is it the biological clock ticking? are my maternal feelings starting to grow stronger?
not surprisingly, i ended up having a bit of a meltdown last night. i was watching an episode i had taped of "Eli Stone", and the part where he's telling the judge at his disbarment hearing that he's always wanted to be a lawyer and can't imagine his life without his work, i broke down. i had an absolute meltdown. i felt like my life was pointless. i've been drifting aimlessly for 31 years and may continue to do so for another 31. i couldn't figure out why it was bothering me so much.
it's no secret that i've always envied people who have known what they wanted to do for a career for their whole life. while most days, i don't mind thinking that another, more fulfilling career is just around the corner, once in awhile i wonder why i just can't be happy doing what i'm doing.
the truth is, i do love my job still. sure, i'm frustrated right now but i think that has more to do with how i'm seeing things than what's actually happening. sure, lawyers i don't work for are asking me to help them when their assistants are away on holidays or are sick. instead of complaining about how they should have asked for a temp to sit at their desk, i should be flattered that they are singling me out (partners, no less!) to do their work for them. they may be menial tasks, but they know i won't screw them up.
once i come back from the Dominican, i will be refreshed and ready to go again. but until then, i'm hanging on by some very frayed, emotional strings.
and i'm still slouching. at least when i'm sitting.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
those who can't...
i can add "teacher" to my list of titles now. i'm teaching an intro litigation course for a local school board's legal admin assistant program. how crazy is that? my first class is january 21st. i think i'd better phone and meet with the coordinator because i'm doing up a course syllabus and i'm thinking that there's a lot of material to cover and i don't really know how much to get into. i'll phone her tomorrow.
i'm excited about the teaching, though. nervous about being a big screw up, but then again, it's a fledgling program and the course is $96 for eight weeks - a pittance compared to what the Cap fee was for one course. and let's face it, some of my instructors in that course weren't even worth the $96. i think i'll be fine.
i've also signed myself up for a singing class - something i've been wanting to do for awhile but just haven't made the effort. i would also like to sign up for a bellydancing class again, but i fear that might be too much to deal with. maybe next semester.
i spent too much (on myself) over the holidays. mostly on clothes. if i could just give away some clothes, perhaps my purchases would be less unnecessary. but i can't even find the time (or is it that i don't want to?) to purge the old clothes. slowly but surely.
for once in many years, i made a concerted effort not to make resolutions. i was talking to BabyMan before new years and he asked me if i had made my resolutions. i told him it was the same list of ten or so things i resolved every year. he made me realize that in doing that, i was trying to change my entire self (which is very difficult), instead of just picking one thing that i can improve on. so, aside from less spending and less eating (which is just the responsible thing to do), i'm going to try and be a little more tolerant and a little less critical. i'm very critical. i don't know why. it's not like i'm perfect, nor do i like to be criticized.
to date, not doing so well on the eating thing. i think i ate a pound of chocolate this weekend, and i'm not exaggerating. i finished a one pound box of Purdy's chocolates on my own (okay, i threw out four of the cherry and orange type-chocolates, but that only really amounts to, maybe, 10 ounces under the pound. but i made it up with mini-eggs). i'm sure i gained five pounds to show for it, though.
the spending thing, well i'm paying cash for things. we're only 6 days in though so i can't be too excited about anything.
i just need to stay out of places that sell stuff. how hard could that be?
i am also obsessed with my new Nintendo DS and Brain Age and My Word Coach games. if in future blog entries i seem more astute and more linguistically adept, you'll know why. my best Brain Age to date is 25 and my worst is 58. they say 20 is what to aim for. yikes.
my other and final resolution? stand up straight!
i'm excited about the teaching, though. nervous about being a big screw up, but then again, it's a fledgling program and the course is $96 for eight weeks - a pittance compared to what the Cap fee was for one course. and let's face it, some of my instructors in that course weren't even worth the $96. i think i'll be fine.
i've also signed myself up for a singing class - something i've been wanting to do for awhile but just haven't made the effort. i would also like to sign up for a bellydancing class again, but i fear that might be too much to deal with. maybe next semester.
i spent too much (on myself) over the holidays. mostly on clothes. if i could just give away some clothes, perhaps my purchases would be less unnecessary. but i can't even find the time (or is it that i don't want to?) to purge the old clothes. slowly but surely.
for once in many years, i made a concerted effort not to make resolutions. i was talking to BabyMan before new years and he asked me if i had made my resolutions. i told him it was the same list of ten or so things i resolved every year. he made me realize that in doing that, i was trying to change my entire self (which is very difficult), instead of just picking one thing that i can improve on. so, aside from less spending and less eating (which is just the responsible thing to do), i'm going to try and be a little more tolerant and a little less critical. i'm very critical. i don't know why. it's not like i'm perfect, nor do i like to be criticized.
to date, not doing so well on the eating thing. i think i ate a pound of chocolate this weekend, and i'm not exaggerating. i finished a one pound box of Purdy's chocolates on my own (okay, i threw out four of the cherry and orange type-chocolates, but that only really amounts to, maybe, 10 ounces under the pound. but i made it up with mini-eggs). i'm sure i gained five pounds to show for it, though.
the spending thing, well i'm paying cash for things. we're only 6 days in though so i can't be too excited about anything.
i just need to stay out of places that sell stuff. how hard could that be?
i am also obsessed with my new Nintendo DS and Brain Age and My Word Coach games. if in future blog entries i seem more astute and more linguistically adept, you'll know why. my best Brain Age to date is 25 and my worst is 58. they say 20 is what to aim for. yikes.
my other and final resolution? stand up straight!
Sunday, December 02, 2007
snow day
i'm staring out the window right now (yes, as i type. i'm a multi-tasker) and it's snowing. big, fat flakes and lots of them. it's amazing. it hasn't snowed like this in a long time. i mean, it snowed last year but not like this. it's like a blizzard out there. fat flakes. fat, fat flakes. it's a soup-day. a snuggle on the couch with a good movie-day. it's a veritable Winter Wonderland.
but tonight's forecast is for heavy rain. gotta love global warming.
but tonight's forecast is for heavy rain. gotta love global warming.
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