no more drama

Sam dropped off his son and his ex at the airport this morning as they are headed east to visit her family for the holidays.  it occurred to me that right now, he is a single man with no ties for the next seven days.

he was out for drinks tonight with workmates as it was his partner's last day today.  he texted me at 6:30 to touch base and i replied with something funny.  he thought it was funny, anyway.  i then texted him at 9:30, just to see if he was home.  no response, and it's been over an hour.  the good news is he hasn't logged onto the dating website.  the bad news is he could be hooking up with someone from work as i type.  the only time he doesn't have his phone with him (at least, in my experiences with him) is when he is in flagrante.  my mind has been reeling ever since i came to this realization.

so here are the crazy thoughts i've had in the past hour:  he met someone at the restaurant and he took her home; he hooked up with a co-worker that he had a fling with when he was at the retreat at the beginning of the month; he met someone on the dating site and arranged to meet with her after drinks tonight and he's still with her; i should drive to his apartment and stalk his windows to see if there are any lights on (that was the worst thought, truly).

before i sat down to write this entry, i was puffing around the apartment, talking to the dogs (who else?) and asking them why it was so gaddam hard to just text me back with either a "working" or "still out, ttyl".  he doesn't leave me hanging often, but when he does, it's usually a long wait.  it then occurred to me, as i was talking it out to the dogs, that i am creating this drama in my head because i love(d) it.  i use to love the drama that went along with relationships - i think it made me feel like i was doing it right, because that's how it was in the movies and on TV.  but i know how much happier i am when i just avoid the drama all together.  no more drama.  and that's when i sat down at the computer to hash this out.

it is coming up to new years and come the end of next week, we'll have known each other 8 months (dating for 7, he'll say 4).  that's a long time.  but then again, it's not once you take into account how often we see each other.  

the last time we had a chat, i mentioned to him that new year's was my cut-off point and i jokingly said that after that, i'd basically just be stuck waiting for him to cut me loose because i'd be too far gone to do anything about it.  he laughed.  what's funny is that i was pretty serious.

this man is my Eliza Bennett - he has bewitched me, body and soul.  but for some reason, i can't seem to tell him that.  or show him.

he bought me a Christmas gift.  i haven't opened it yet because BabyMan shamed me into waiting until Sam and I saw each other again so we could open presents together.  Sam even urged me to open it when he gave it to me, citing the fact that i wouldn't be able to sleep knowing it was there and i insisted that i wanted something to open on Christmas day.  he didn't really resist, but thinking back on it, i think he wanted me to open it in front of him.  it's been that long since i've been in a relationship - it didn't even occur to me that opening our gifts together was an option.  i just figured i'd open it on Christmas day and text him my thanks.  WTF is wrong with me?  

ninety minutes later, and no text.  maybe he's sleeping.  he did have to drive to the airport at 6 am this morning.

transitory

it occurred to me today that i may very well be Sam's transition-woman.  that's not a good thought to have, at least not for me.  i've been the transition-woman for at least three men that i've dated.  and when i say "transition-woman", i mean the woman that a guy dated, broke up with (or who I broke up with) and then ultimately went on to marry the next woman he met.

if i spin it positively, that means that i am the woman that makes these commitment-phobe men realize they have to step it up in relationships or they're getting left behind.

in the negative vein, it means that i haven't yet been considered marriage-material.

i don't actually see this too negatively.  and again, it's really only my twisted thoughts that brought this idea into my head. it's not that Sam makes me feel like i'm transitory, but i think it's because the nature of our relationship (how it came about and how it is progressing) feels tenuous.

i had a minor freak out again this weekend because Sam was barely in touch.  yes, he did have his son all weekend, but i had visions of him putting the boy to bed and then getting on the phone and chatting with women he met online, lining up dates for tonight because it is his first free night since last tuesday when i saw him last.  forget that he asked me for lunch today and that when i sat in front of him and talked to him for an hour, all of my doubts faded.

i suppose it doesn't help that his profile is still up and that he still goes online every now and again.  certainly not as frequently as he used to, but certainly not as infrequently as i'd like him to.  i may bring that up tomorrow, though how do you do that without sounding like a total controlling psycho?  "i've been keeping tabs on your online dating usage and it appears that you're logging on and checking your profile an average of once every other day.  what exactly are you looking for while you're on there?"  no, i don't think so.

i vacillate between thinking, "well, if it ends, then it was the best six months i've had in 13 years" and thinking, "oh, God, please don't let this end now.  i promise i'll try harder to be normal and stop questioning his actions so much."  i will find a happy medium.  but it has to be fast before he realizes that i'm a complete headcase.

maybe the Architect was right.  or maybe we're just all different levels of headcase and i'm just more aware of my level.

have i mentioned that Sam is amazing?  he is.  he's amazing.  sigh.

a little more secure

at least, that's what i'm trying to tell myself i am.  it's almost as though my mind is thinking, "he's doing so many things that make it seem like he's settling down with you - he told you he's not seeing anyone else, he has started complimenting you more than he ever has before, he left a couple of things at your place over the weekend instead of taking them home with him...he's just trying to get you to feel comfortable so that you stop questioning his actual motives."  which are what?  i don't know.

i was so maudlin all day.  all day!  i vacillated between "i should just end it now" and "i should wait it out and see what happens".  all.freaking.day.  i questioned all of the little things that he's said that don't add up in my head (the whole Facebook thing - really?  just family and old friends?  are people you work with old friends?).  i questioned whether he was telling the truth when he said he wasn't dating anyone else and wasn't looking (why is your profile still up then?  and why do you still check it?)  i questioned his real intentions for staying (his brother stayed in a relationship just for the sex - why would Sam be above it?).  and then i read passages from my Mandy Hale and Jereme Ford books, encouraging me to be a strong woman and walk away from a situation that gave me pause.  W.O.M.A.N.!

but, the other self-talk creeped in slowly:  if he didn't like you, he wouldn't be with you.  if it ends now, at least you had an amazing six months.  better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  enjoy the experience instead of trying to analyze it.  go with your gut instincts....except i think and overthink so much that i no longer know what my gut instinct is.  i can't even sense which direction it's pointing in right now.

you know, when we had the Talk on saturday, he said again that he had dated a couple of crazies before me, but he didn't expect to meet someone like me. he told me everything he thought was amazing about me. a couple of days ago, he sent me a text in response to something i had written that said, "you are different than any other woman i've dated, that is for sure" and i'm pretty certain he meant it as a compliment.

i have decided myself to believe that good things are going to happen with us and if they don't, well then at least i had a great six months.  remind me about this in four weeks when this thought process happens all over again (it will be year end, after all).

Q&A

another Talk was had this past weekend.  i was reminded of two things after it was over: 1) i need to ask more questions of him and; 2) he really is amazing.

i didn't intend of having the Talk with him, though we are reaching the end of the year which we all know is my natural expiry date for relationships.  but, i have been bothered of late.  we've had some great weekends and great evening dates, and everything feels like it's progressing naturally.  yet, he still has an active profile and, although i don't think he checks it as often as he used to, he still checks it.

BabyMan said it was akin to him checking out some hot girl as she walked by.  i disagreed.  the real-time equivalent of Sam checking his online profile is him going to a bar by himself and checking out hot girls.  he may not have any intention of messaging anyone (or picking anyone up in the bar example), but the intention behind the action is to see what else is out there.

i often wonder when these talks have come up whether he steers the conversation towards the subject to allow me to bring up whatever it is that has been bothering me.  he isn't the typical male - i.e. he gets that i need to talk about it and is perfectly willing to talk about it - so i wouldn't put it past him.  plus, it helps that i often post stuff on my social media accounts that point to what is bothering me.

i apologize if this post is all over the place but that is where my mind is right now.  for example, i keep wondering why it's so difficult for me to just ask him questions.  i find it so hard and he knows that he unnerves me.  i just don't understand why.  i must really like him if i turn into a 13 year old girl when i'm around him.

anyway, i learned a few things that i probably should've learned about weeks ago if i were a normal person in a normal relationship.  first, there is a divorce in the works (hurrah!).  second, people in his family know i exist. third, his ex has a boyfriend and she's introduced their son to the boyfriend already (already?  wow.). fourth, he's open to meeting my friends.  fifth, he confirmed that he is still not dating anyone else.  sixth, he thinks i am a great catch (my interpretation of what he said, of course) and he really didn't expect to meet someone like me.  here are the questions i should've asked when this information was coming up:  who started the divorce proceedings?  when do i get to meet your friends? what do you want from me going forward?  what exactly is it that you're waiting for? why is your freaking profile still online? and why do you still check it???  he also thought that our relationship as it is now really only got started in September - the months previous were basically just dates, even though we were sleeping together (huh?).  actually, i understand what he's saying, but i still don't buy it.

anyway, none of the aforementioned questions came out of my mouth.  there was a lot of hand-gesturing, half-sentences and exasperated expressions, all on my part.  basically, he knows that i'm near my relationship-breaking point and he said, if I remember correctly, that when i got to that point, to just talk to him and we would work something out.  at the time, it sounded really sensitive and understanding.  now, all i think is, "WTF would i talk to you about it then?  why can't we just deal with it now??"

in hindsight, it was a weird thing to say.  basically, it sounds to me like he's not willing to really discuss any kind of serious relationship, unless i'm ready to walk away.  then he'll consider it.  but shouldn't i be insulted that he wouldn't consider it before then?

therein lies my problem - i have been inundated by all of this "single, empowered woman" stuff when really, i just need to listen to my heart.  my head is telling me to walk away and turn back only if he follows.  but my heart keeps telling me to stick it out just a little while longer and maybe he'll come around sooner rather than later.

i am absolutely willing to wait - but he has to take down his profile first. W.T.F. is wrong with him?  or should i be asking what is wrong with me?

getaway

i had a great weekend with Sam.  i took him to a football game i won tickets to, and we ended up on the "Kiss Cam" in the 3rd quarter.  quite funny as i wondered whether we would be selected, but then realized we were in the cheap seats so we probably wouldn't get chosen.  i was wrong.  they must scan the crowd to find couples that are either interacting with each other a lot, or not at all.  he gave me a kiss on the cheek (so far back, it was basically my ear) and the guy behind us said, "Man, that was LAME." then he kissed me on the lips, but the camera had already panned away.  i wondered briefly if it was nerves, or if it was a serious attempt to downplay our involvement to the crowd.  i knew two friends were on the opposite end of the arena and they texted me right away, but i got two other texts from two separate friends and then when i got to work on Monday, three of the guys i work with were sitting in my office, wondering who the guy i was kissing on Friday was.  hilarious!

Sam had prepared me earlier in the week and warned me that he had a surprise outing for me on the Saturday morning after the game.  he said all i would need is a swim suit.  WTF.  three months' notice would've been nice!  i had a hunch where he was going to take me, given the wardrobe required and the length of the drive, but i wasn't going to spoil it by asking too many questions or even trying to guess.  if he's going to go to some trouble to think of it and then surprise me, then i'll play along.

it was a lovely Saturday morning for the drive into the Valley.  along the way, Sam pointed out pictures i might like to take and slowed down (and in some instances, turned right around!) so that i could get my shots for my IG feed.  so sweet!

we arrived in Harrison and made our way to the pool.  it was so nice, but really warm.  i just wanted to curl up in a ball and nap.  we stayed in the pool for over an hour and then had some lunch, walked around, took some photos (he even paused to take a selfie of us before I did! the first one he's taken of us) and then we headed home.

it's weekends like that which make me think he's finally falling for me.  and then i see he was back online today, and i realize that i still don't have his full attention.  and i may never have his full attention.  what's a girl to do when the most amazing person she's met in 15 years still may not think she is the one for him?

and now for something not so different

i have to admit - i'm feeling a little crazy today.  not surprising that i used the hashtag "infatuation" in one of my IG posts.  i know it's completely hormonal (i think i may be getting my Friend - and as an aside, i've never been more excited about it.  she's a little late this month and it was starting to become a concern!), but honestly, i was reading his old Twitter posts (crazy sign #1) and i started crying after reading ones that referenced his ex and their life together (crazy sign #2). another aside, the extra hormones are the main reason why i am no longer on the Pill.  i can barely stand my own genetic brand of craziness - i don't need a drug company's assistance adding manufactured hormones.

one of the picture quotes i read today was something about how what a shame it was that people these days spent so much time pretending that they didn't care about the person they liked when really, they should be doing everything they can to show they care.  the worst part is that i know i'm like that and i know it's just self-preservation but what is love if it's not putting yourself out there, heart exposed and all?

right now, i'm not answering a text message he just sent me simply because it took him two hours to respond to the one i sent him.  TWO HOURS.  no, my mind isn't going crazy with what (or who) he might have been doing in those two hours.  how juvenile am i?  but why couldn't he just answer the damn text when it came in???

BabyMan always says that this craziness is my fault because i don't trust him.  and for a minute, i always buy into that and feel bad that i don't trust him.  and then i remember that there isn't anything to trust because there is no commitment.

flapping in the breeze.  shit, i feel a poem coming on.  this is not good.

Autumn

work. school.  Sam.  those are the only three things i have been writing about lately it seems.  seriously.  so, this is a non-WSS related entry!  (ok, it was inspired by Sam, and the background has to do with work, and it's about being at a school, but that's the only similarity!)

i was sent on a minion-mission by Bertrand  to procure a book from the UBC library.  he and Grumpypants have a three week trial where they need this book to cross-examine an expert witness.  the mission not only included a jaunt out to Point Grey, but the book was actually a resident of the biomedical library at VGH (who knew VGH had a library?).  the task was simple:  apply for a library card at the UBC campus library, and then head to VGH and take out the medical textbook from the biomedical library.  basically, criss-cross town in a cab and bring back a heavy, medical tome.  and make sure it's the right one.

i wanted to pick a nice, fall day, one where i could truly enjoy my "field work".  one of those bright, crisp, sunny autumn days that i live for, where i grabbed a coffee, sat on a bench and watched the young, fresh-faced and still idealistic students cross back and forth in front of me on their way to wherever they were needed next.  too bad YVR's been socked-in with fog for the past week.  Grumpypants lived up to his name on Monday when he said to me, "I thought you were getting the book on Friday?  I need it to prep for cross this week."  so, on a foggy, misty Monday, i set off in my yellow chariot to UBCity.

there's a reason why i chose SFU over UBC - i could actually travel from one end of campus to the other, without having to take a rest or water break.  UBC is huge and winding and it's always scared me a little.  my taxi driver must have sensed my hesitation because he dropped me off at the bookstore, pointed me in a vague direction and said, "East Mall is that way."  (Note: there was construction so he couldn't take me any further than where he dropped me off, but still!).

i did the only thing i could do:  i faked it until i maked it.  okay, not really.  i just walked until i saw a "You Are Here" sign, and i knew it would point me in the direction of the main library.  it did.

i was definitely regretting sending my phone in for repairs, though.  the campus is filled with deciduous trees and at this time of year, you get the best of both words - the trees still hold most of their leaves but have started carpeting the ground with the best of the fall colors.  as i walked the short distance to the library, i discretely kicked my way through the piles of red and orange leaves that had accumulated near the fountain, and that were being blown around by an industrial-strength leaf blower.  i couldn't help myself; despite my need for the battery on my phone to stay charged (and knowing full-well that the battery couldn't hold a charge to begin with), i took a few shots of the leaves, pirouetting over the grass and onto a pile for the compost.

i can see how they could be seen as a pain - the raking and the bagging and the composting, only to be done again when the trees continue to molt a few days later.  i'm sure homeowners and other people who have to deal with autumn foliage are dreading the end of October and the beginning of November, when the rain and windstorms kick up and the remaining dead leaves are blown into gutters, into sewer grates, plugging drainage systems, and forcing wet, soppy leaves into places they were never meant.

but for now, they are still a thing of beauty, something to be gazed upon and admired.  the reds and yellows and oranges bringing life and color to an otherwise gray and dull, nearly-winter landscape.  at this time of year if you were to ask me what my favorite color was, i'd say "Autumn".

did he?

it occurred to me that, when Sam quoted my email address (you know, the one I didn't give him), it wasn't just a guess.

i mean, he knows my "usual" handle, and it's easy enough to attach it to a domain name.  but how can you guess which domain name - there are so many.  he doesn't use one that's typical, so maybe i wouldn't either.

oddly enough, the email address he quoted is the one i use for my fake account on the fishing website.  you know, the one he works at?  (enter the conspiracy theory) i know it's a long stretch, but maybe, just maybe, he searched me out at work and found my email address there and, without thinking (or maybe absolutely thinking), he blurted out what he shouldn't have known in the first place.  i digress.

after much upset on my part, including a gut-wrenching cry on Saturday morning, i decided that i was going to really give Sam a piece of my mind about him still being "active", and then i was going to suggest we take some time apart.  all that fell to the far reaches of my mind the minute he walked through the door and kissed me hello.  in fact, we had another wonderful weekend, and one that i didn't expect to have because it was his weekend with his son.  he brought me my favorite dessert from True Confections, we had dinner and then he took me on a surprise drive up Cypress, just to show me the city poking up through the fog.  he was on a bit of a time crunch the next morning, but we still were able to enjoy a leisurely morning and breakfast at a local spot we tried out last week.

i fricken hate uncertainty.  but given the stress i'm under with school and uncertainty with work duties, ending a relationship with someone i really like is not a good idea for me right now.  but six months is coming up fast, and that is my deadline.

until then, i've decided to stop checking his profile.....so often.  :)  check back with me in three weeks and see whether i feel the same way.

misery maker

his profile now shows "replies often" instead of "no one has contact him this week".  but it's done that before, and then reverted back to the latter.  what to believe?

it has brought my mood down considerably, even though i have no idea whether it's accurate or not.  sure, he was online again this morning but i have no idea what he was doing.  maybe he logged on to check to see who had checked out his profile.  or maybe he logged on to check responses to messages he sent out.  i won't know unless i ask him.  and you know i won't ask him.

this raises the question: why do i check?  why do i create this misery?  when i don't check, i feel really good about everything.  for example, he is going to be free on Saturday night because his son is going to be at a sleepover, so he asked me whether i wanted to do something.  yesterday, when i got this text, i was happy because it felt like he was offering me this "time slot" when he could've offered it to someone else or moreover, could've made a date with someone else and i would never know.  i would NEVER know.  Never.  Never!

today, after the "replies often" tag, i think that maybe he did ask other people but didn't get a positive response.  why do i do this?  

i was scrolling my FB feed today and a picture on one of the "positive quotes" pages i follow had the reminder, "What you allow is what will continue."  so why do i?  because i'm afraid he'll remind me that we're just "casual" and that it's well within his right?  i'm in the mindset that this ends in December, so why not just speed up the process and pose the question to him now?  i have a feeling that his feelings aren't going to change in 7 weeks if they haven't really changed in four and a half months, so why prolong the inevitable?  why?

i don't feel i've opened up to him at all, because he told me this was casual and that is how i'm approaching it.  you don't open up to someone casual; you see them once a week or so and don't talk to them in between.  that is what i was expecting, but i've gotten much more than that.  i've gotten a pseudo-relationship.  that is confusing.  very, very confusing.  and old-me would've taken his casual words, thrown them aside and gone by his actions.  new-me has taken his casual words and held them close, because that is all i can do.  i'm not even sure he knows what he wants; in fact, i know he doesn't.  all HE has are his words to hang on to.  so here we are, two people that only know how to love, clinging to words that continue to separate us emotionally, thereby ruining any chance of us moving forward together.  one word - casual - hangs between us, at arm's length.  

what a waste.  and yet i wouldn't trade these four and a half months for anything.

off-hand

Sam off-handedly quoted my Gmail address to me on Saturday, and i'm quite certain i have never given it to him.  it's not that hard to figure out - people tend to use the same handle on every social medium if they can, and i'm no exception.  and, he's a smart guy and is good with computers so i'm not surprised he hasn't found more stuff about me, given my fairly prominent online presence.  not that i think he will find this blog and if he does, not that i think he'll read it and if he does, not that it matters because if i'm posting my thoughts and feelings on an online blog, i obviously don't mind if he reads it, but that's how things went sideways with the Architect years ago.  however, i don't think Sam is as headcasey as the Architect was, so i'm not too concerned that he'll freak out.  and if he does, well he shouldn't have been reading the blog then.

he also mentioned yesterday that he tended to make the same mistakes in relationships over and over again, and it's usually the reason why they end the way they do.  of course, i jumped on that but he wouldn't reveal what that mistake was.  naturally, i spent the rest of the day thinking about what it could possibly be.  and then i realized that, right now, i am in the midst of the same mistake i always make in relationships, so who am i to judge?

what's the definition of insane?  doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result?  lovers are lunatics indeed.

clarity

a couple of weeks ago, Sam and i ended up having an abbreviated, inconclusive version of The Talk.

i had planned to just ask him about his online activities, as i had noticed he continued to monitor both his online profiles on a fairly regular basis (not that i was checking up on him, naturally).  i happened to notice on a day when everything seemed to be happening at the same time (not unlike the last time i had a mini-meltdown), and so i was determined to at least clear that part up, though i knew the natural result would be The Talk.

fatalist that i am, i anticipated that after asking him why he felt the need to continue to have an online presence on two dating sites, he would want nothing more to do with me.  i wanted to lessen the eventual blowup by bringing the subject up when he was at his most vulnerable (and therefore, less likely to get defensive) - post-coitus.

i can't remember how the subject came up, but instead of ignoring the lead in like i always have in the past, i said, "are you seeing anyone else?"  i tried to ask as casually and unconcerned as i could.  i may have succeeded.  he said, "if you think i have the energy to see two women at the same time, you're crazy.  i can barely keep up with you!"  i laughed.  and then i said, "so....is that confirmation then?"  his turn to laugh and he said, "yes, that's confirmation that i am not seeing anyone else."  then i asked the hard question: "are you still looking?" without hesitation, he said, "no, not really. i think if we had only been seeing each other for a few weeks, i might, but after four months, i wouldn't feel right looking for someone else."  i have to paraphrase his answer, because after he confirm that he wasn't really still looking, i breathed a small sigh of relief and forgot to listen to the rest of his response.  he did go on to say that, "casual is hard because i don't know where i am, and that means you don't know where you are.  i didn't expect to meet someone like you." he used the words "emotionally stunted" to describe himself and mentioned that he was surprised that i didn't walk away after our second date when he told me that he was just looking for a casual relationship.  i told him i was surprised too.  then i asked him to tell me if he did start dating someone else and he said he would.  that's torturous for me, but at least then i'll know it's time to end it.

he never asks me if i'm dating anyone; i'm not sure if that's because he doesn't want to know or doesn't care.  he mentioned that a co-worker had asked him something about me recently - he couldn't remember what - and he told her that he didn't know.  when she said she was surprised he didn't know, he told her there are certain things he didn't need to know, that whatever it was was one of them.  of course, i am wracking my brain to figure out what it might be and the only thing i can think is whether or not i'm seeing anyone else.  there's nothing else he wouldn't want to know, other than my stance on marriage and babies, and that's something he wouldn't not want to know.

i'm pretty sure he has wanted to talk about this for a few weeks now - natural lead-ins have been dropped by him in the recent past but i haven't picked them up, and he hasn't pursued them.

at my lowest point, which precipitated this talk, i realized that our relationship isn't casual - it's convenient (for him).  while he calls it casual, we are both still getting the physical trappings of an exclusive relationship, but we're not really sharing any of the emotional trappings.  sure, we share about our day and we talk about our pasts and all of that, but it occurred to me recently that we don't seek emotional support from each other.  we give it freely, but we don't seek it out.  he doesn't look for bolstering if he's had a bad day and i don't look for advice when i think he can give it.  it's kind of strange.

i am of two minds about this:  the first is that it needs to end before New Years.  that's my natural break point and so i now have two months.  it still drives me crazy that his profiles are still active (yes, i check them and while he's still logging into them daily, it has been pointed out to me that it doesn't mean he's actively looking - he could just be curious as to who is looking at his profile and then logging off) and that he checks them.  i don't like that our time together is so segmented from the rest of our lives - yes, our outside lives from each other have crossed in uneventful ways (we bumped into two of my acquaintances at the park and he introduced me to his building manager) and clearly there are certain people from his "other" life that know about me.  i eventually want to integrate him into my life and vice-versa.

on the flip side, this slow-roll has not really been bad.  it has made me realize that my expectations for romantic relationships were stuck in 2001, when i had lots of free time and fewer responsibilities.  i honestly expected Sam to call me at least twice a day, email me when he wasn't calling, and see me three to four times a week.  i ain't got time for that now!  i see him once, sometimes twice a week depending on his kid schedule, and one of those is almost always an overnighter.  the rest of the week, we text regularly and when we have more than five days without seeing eachother , he'll usually call.  admittedly, our texts were always either "touching base" (how's your day sort of thing) and always had a point.  since The Talk, it seems like we're both more comfortable just sending random texts about the day or random thoughts, and he's answering back more often than he used to.

i honestly don't know what i'm going to do.  my head is telling me to give it up after 6 months - that's half my year he's had to himself.  if he doesn't know after 6 months how he feels about me or being with me or exclusive relationships, etc. then he'll never know or he's just fooling himself for thinking that this will ever be anything more than it is.  my heart, on the other hand, wants to hang on.  not because it's lonely or desperate for the attention but more because it knows something.  i've never had the kind of chemistry i've have with him with anyone else.  i know i say, "i've never felt this way about anyone before" a lot, but it feels like i mean it this time! i was planning on just ending it over the phone with him earlier last week but decided to do it in person.  well good luck with that.  i blame it on his pheromones.  there is something about him that i just can't resist.  it's insane!  i am pretty sure he feels the same as far as that goes.  and how do you give up something that continues to evolve?  six months isn't a long time in the greater scheme of things, and it's not like there is someone else that's trying to get my attention.  i could very well continue on until something else comes along.  but we know how that works with me.

no end in sight?  i don't know.  for now, i'm going to try to stop overanalyzing, stop wondering what the future holds, and just enjoy the ride.

saboteur

i can't help myself.  just when i'm feeling good about the way things are going with Sam, feeling more secure, feeling more connected, i have to go and make mountains out of pebbles.  i had two great days with him - a wonderful date on Tuesday night and then he surprised me with lunch on Wednesday.

i sent a text today that i shouldn't have, at least not in the mood i sent it in.  i shared something trivial about my day, asked him how his day was and then said, "So, anyone interesting on OKC today? ;)"  and i sent it because not five minutes before, he was showing online.

i know, i know.  we are not in a committed relationship and i know that's not what he wanted from the beginning.  it was terribly foolish to think that i could exist in my version of our relationship while he existed in his.

he hasn't answered me back.  i'm hoping he's just going to ignore the dig (or maybe he doesn't think it's a dig at all) and life will return to normal.

i think it has more to do with me not quite believing i deserve something great rather than me believing that he should be with me.  i do think that, but i have to believe in myself too.

some days are harder than others and when i'm under so much stress with work and school, sometimes i find stupid outlets.  this was one of them.

damn it.

bizarre

let me just re-cap my day for you:

work was busy.  i am still struggling with this stupid document database that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me but somehow, they think that because i'm so smart at other things, i'll pick this up no problem.  don't worry about the fact that i'm still doing my job and someone else's, and trying not to miss any important deadlines while doing either.

then, for whatever reason, my rationale and logic go completely squirrelly and i start to freak out internally about Sam.  he check his profile three times today, which is more often than he's checked it in as many weeks.  i know he's got his kid with him today so it's not like he's going out after work on a date.  but why? why check it?  and why three times in a day??  must be communicating with someone interesting, right?  i sent a text that hinted at that and he didn't respond.  so i continued to freak out throughout the day.  excellent.

then, just as i'm hitting my emotional threshold, the Ex messages me on Twitter, seemingly innocuously but then drops the bomb that his wife (you know, the one who basically tried to subvert my relationship with him when they first met, and who he eventually married) asked him to ask me whether i want to be the third wheel in their little wheelbarrow of love.  W.T.F.  so, given that my brain was already going haywire, i laid into him (no pun intended...not really, anyway) and poured on the mellow drama.  something syrupy and 90210-esque about asking me to hook up with the last guy i ever truly loved and the woman he chose over me (i know - so bad, so overdramatic).  he apologized profusely and said he never meant to bring up old feelings and that a little bit of fun wasn't worth risking hurting me.  as i wrote it, i felt ridiculous but it was just that kind of day.

and then, to top it all off, as i get off the train and i'm making my way home, the skies open up and the thunderstorm starts.  wunderbar.  by the time i got home, i shrank to the floor, dogs jumping around on the floor in excitement of my arrival and me in tears.  i cried.  i cried at how silly i felt for being so weak.  i haven't read all these self-help and empowerment books only to fall apart over perceived slights.  ridiculous.

yet, i'm exhausted mentally.  Sam texted me the minute the storm started so it's not like he wasn't thinking about me. and the Ex and i ended our strange exchange on a good note - i was feeling raw and honest so i told him how much i missed talking to him and that us as friends was something really good.  he agreed and said he missed talking to me too and he's thought about me a lot over the years and he still cares SO much for me (he put SO in capitals, so you KNOW it's sincere). 

sleep, take me now.

in case you were keeping track

it is almost labour day, and Sam and I are still dating.  admittedly, up until about two weeks ago, i was still on high-alert and questioning whether he was going to continue to call me.  i no longer question that, but i still question whether he's seeing other people.  i know i could just ask, and i probably should (after three months - good lord), but i can't.  i know that's stupid.

in the meantime, i'm just going to continue to enjoy his company and spend time with him.  the future is there and it's not static.  if he's meant to be there, he'll find a way.

lesson #7

my 37th birthday is now three weeks behind me (seems like longer!) and i'm sitting here trying to figure out what this year's life lesson is.  and i think i have it:  slow the frack down and stop over-thinking.  you don't actually experience anything, good or bad, if all you're doing is thinking about what could go wrong.

someone please remind me of this every 10 days.

smitten kitten

i'm sure i've used that title before, but it's appropriate to use again now.  and of course, i only write now because i'm wallowing in disappointment.

i met this guy on a dating website (of course - not possible for me to meet someone in real life!).  his first message to me was two or three paragraphs of seeming-nonsense that most days, i wouldn't bother answering.  in fact, i did ignore it.  there were no questions to answer and it was such jibber-jabber (mostly taking what i had written, agreeing with it and sharing his own rather disjointed thoughts about it), that i left it alone for about a week.

because of my recent belief that i should always at least answer emails sent to me with the same level of effort that was made (you wouldn't ignore someone who said "hi" to you on the street, would you?), i decided to finally answer him.  i ended up thanking him for the message but admitted that there wasn't much more i could say because the message didn't really have anything concrete to respond to.  that started off a series of emails that were more in my realm of normal.  about a month after his initial email, we met for a coffee after work.

my initial impressions - nice guy, normal, cute, thoughtful (in a cerebral way, at least until i get to know him better, then i might be able to say also in gesture), happily employed.  i'd definitely see this guy again.  wasn't sure if he would contact me again, just because the first coffee is usually where it ends with me, but i guess i made some sort of impression because he messaged me again.

i've seen him about four times now, all after-work get togethers, which make for somewhat less casual dates.  i don't know - they seem less date-like and more friend-like, which i guess is his intention.

he told me after our second date that he wasn't really looking for anything serious right now.  he's separated and has a young child that he shares custody of.  at that point, i was cool with that.  i had two or three other prospects, also just casual without any formality, so i was excited to just be in the "dating world" and not worry about where the given relationship was going and what to expect next.

but you know my brain (and more importantly, my heart).  it doesn't do casual.  already, my two other prospects have taken a backseat to this guy (let's call him Sam).  i am trying to continue with the casual dating/meeting people thing (i have a blind date tomorrow, for example....in Seattle), but my mind keeps flitting back to Sam.  had i really thought about what i was getting into, i never would have continued seeing him.  separated less than a year is not the same as divorced.  the emotions are still there.  he cancelled our date today because his wife (because legally, she still is!) was really sick and so he was keeping his kid for an extra day.  i can't help thinking that he should just go over there and take care of her because that's his wife, that's his kid's mother and regardless of where his feelings are (or hers; i'm not sure who ended it), they are, and will always be, a family.

muddy, muddy waters i have my toes dipped in.  and yet, i am smitten.  when he texted me to cancel (i know; but it's the 2010s and that's how people do it now), my heart got a wee bit heavier.  i was really looking forward to a "weekend" date (as opposed to our three-hour chat-a-thons over dinner after work) and for the second weekend in a row, it was usurped by family (last weekend, his brother got taken to the ER with internal bleeding.  I gave him a pass on that one too).

admittedly, i feel like i have held back on him and that i am not as flirty-flirty as i would really like to be.  i am acting like a friend.  he always gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek as a greeting and goodbye.  i hug back but i don't kiss him.  but i want to.  and i know that if i did act like i want to, it would turn up the heat on our interaction, but then what?  it won't change his mind about being casual but it would dig me in deeper.

i know i have to pull back and find someone else (or maybe 2) to take my mind off Sam, at least partially.  again, you know how i am and i could easily let myself fall into that pit.  i was getting that way a couple of weeks ago but i managed to mentally slap myself until i was reasonable again.  all it takes is one weak moment for me and i could descend into that relationship-limbo darkness where i love to wallow and do the backstroke.

don't do it, CG.  it will be your ruin!  the best part about all of this though is that love songs finally mean something again :)  thank you, adam levine, for "love somebody".

/Crush

my brother says that a "/" followed by a word means the word has "ended".  ergo, my blog title means that i am over my crush on Bertrand.  or rather, i am over the silly notion that he and i could actually be a couple.

i was going to ask him out - seriously.  and i was going to wait until holy thursday.  why?  because then i would have four days to get over any kind of humiliation i may have felt before i had to see him again.  i know it's not right to basically have made room for my failure, but hope for the best and prepare for the worse, right?

i am not discounting my gut feeling that he is in some way attracted to me.  i am merely admitting that perhaps it is one of those innocuous crushes that only pops up when we have a meaningful interaction.  that he flirts with me only because he thinks it is fun to flirt with me, but there are no other feelings involved.

i popped into his office at the end of the day yesterday.  no one was around to stay for drinks and i really just wanted to chat for a bit.  so i poked my head in and said, "hey!  what are you doing?"  and he said, "oh, just finishing up and then i'm going to meet Isis for a drink."  not a big deal - Isis is a friend of mine too and i knew they had been trying to get together for a catch-up drink for weeks but haven't gotten around to it.  but it was something in the way he said it or perhaps his body language that told me it was a bit of a shut-down - as in, "no, i'm not willing to spend any time with you today."  nothing that harsh, of course, but it was something i couldn't put my finger on.  so, i quickly covered up my true intentions (because of course, time with him was exactly what i had popped in for) and said, "anyway, have you talked to Mon lately?  we were just talking about her today and i thought maybe you might've seen her recently."  and he updated me briefly on his lack of news on her and then i wished him a good evening.

and like that, it was over.  the bubble burst and that small hope i had that was sheltered in that bubble drifted back to the earth where it belonged.  i'm not sorry that it's been grounded because there were too many big obstacles that i wasn't sure i'd be able to get over.

i'm not going to stop chatting with him when i can or being friendly.  but i think somehow my window to be work friends with him closed when i was too busy pretending like i didn't care.  like i was standoffish for too long and now trying to be friends seems forced and inorganic (which frankly, it is). 

perhaps another lesson to tuck away in my already bulging file labeled, "you can't get hurt if you're aloof."

flashback

i don't always remember what i dream about. in fact, i normally never remember. but in the past week, i've remembered specifics of each dream i had just before i woke up.

in one dream, i was undercover for some sort of secret operative and i was trying to get away from people that were chasing me, and i took cover in a flash mob of dancers on a football field somewhere in the Ridge. as i gangnam styled my way through the throng of people, i heard my pursuers yelling after me, but they were calling me by a co-worker's name. "Yo! You can run from us but you can't hide, Yo!" i made it to the street where my boss happened to be driving by, and he picked me up and took me to his house. i remember his house was much different than what it was the last time i was there. in fact, it wasn't really a house at all.

instead of the split-level house i knew, it was a sprawling rancher that was part house, part cafe. as i walked through the cafe, all of these people i used to work with at my government job were there, having tea and visiting.

in another dream, i was enjoying a good cuddle with an ex-boyfriend. not the one i still keep in touch with, but the one that was too chicken to break up with me in person after two years together, so he just stopped phoning me.

in the third remembered dream, i was trying to get rid of old stuff (furniture, clothes, household items) but i re-discovered an old desk that came in two parts, so i wanted to keep it. so, i moved it back into our old family house in Poco - and Bertrand was the one moving it for me.

i was thinking about what the dreams had in common and i realized that they all had elements of my past mingled with my present. and if dreams are the subconscious, then what is my subconscious trying to tell me?

let me segue into another story - i just had a team meeting with my boss and two new members of our group on tuesday. the two bosses explained to Yo and i how our work was going to be split and what was going to happen with the assistant that had been working with me. essentially, i was now going to handle all aspects of our files, like i always wanted. now i had complete control over what happened and i would know if a phone call was made or if a letter was sent out. it is all in my hands and i've said all along that this is the best way to handle these files.

when i asked my boss what was going to happen to our assistant when she came back from leave, he basically said that she'd be working with other teams at the office because there was still lots of work to go around. as harsh as that might sound, it all made sense. i was finally getting what i'd wanted for years.

but something niggled at me. and it's still niggling at me. and after the dreams i've had since that meeting, i know what it is - my past co-mingling with my future? it's obvious, isn't it? i feel like i'm taking a step backwards.

when i started this job, i ran the files. but the workload became too heavy and i needed help so they hired an assistant. seven and a half years later, i've come full circle. and now it makes me wonder whether it's time to start again somewhere new.

i always said that after five years, i was going to start looking again because if i got to ten years in one place, i'd never leave. i'm coming upon my eighth year with the company. is that a bad thing? i don't think so. am i unhappy? not really.

but i've seen so many people leave (or be politely asked to leave) and they move on to other places and seem happier and get paid better. i hear my co-workers complaining about how their work lives are being affected now that new management has come in and things are not the way they were 2 years ago when everything was rosy with everyone. all of that negative stuff rubs off on me and i start to question whether or not i'm really happy.

on the one hand, i have great autonomy in my job and a lot of respect from all the right people. as i've proven already, more money doesn't mean i'm going to be padding my savings or taking big trips around the world. it just means i'm going to spend more money on more stupid things, and probably more frequently. and i know my job, do it well and people rely on me everyday to make their lives easier just because i'm there, being a team player. i'm insulated from most work drama because i have a boss that i can talk with to help smooth out any rough patches or adversity that i come across with management. i have power (not a lot, but enough).

on the other hand, i haven't been challenged with my work in years. i go back to school to keep my brain sharp because it doesn't happen at work. it's so routine that i make stupid mistakes because i don't pay as much attention as i should. i still don't have an office, even though i've been asking for one for the past five years. management is not what it should be and i think i could do a much better job if i knew how to run an office. everyone is unhappy and their unhappiness makes me unhappy.

when is it time to go? i joke that my working relationship with my boss is like every other relationship i've had with a man - i'm too loyal, i can't see his faults (or i overlook them and make excuses) and i stay with him longer than i ever should. when i'm finally ready to leave him, i'll leave.

the market is good right now for people like me - i could probably get a pretty good job for more pay at a bigger company and not look back. but that's the problem - if the fit isn't good with a new company or i don't like the job and i dread going to work everyday, have i really moved forward? or am i just biding my time until i can safely move on without looking like i've quit before really giving it a chance? and then what? job-hop until i find another good fit? i have a good fit now - why would i mess with that?

so many questions, so many answers that lead to more questions. i guess i'll know when i know.