a little more secure

at least, that's what i'm trying to tell myself i am.  it's almost as though my mind is thinking, "he's doing so many things that make it seem like he's settling down with you - he told you he's not seeing anyone else, he has started complimenting you more than he ever has before, he left a couple of things at your place over the weekend instead of taking them home with him...he's just trying to get you to feel comfortable so that you stop questioning his actual motives."  which are what?  i don't know.

i was so maudlin all day.  all day!  i vacillated between "i should just end it now" and "i should wait it out and see what happens".  all.freaking.day.  i questioned all of the little things that he's said that don't add up in my head (the whole Facebook thing - really?  just family and old friends?  are people you work with old friends?).  i questioned whether he was telling the truth when he said he wasn't dating anyone else and wasn't looking (why is your profile still up then?  and why do you still check it?)  i questioned his real intentions for staying (his brother stayed in a relationship just for the sex - why would Sam be above it?).  and then i read passages from my Mandy Hale and Jereme Ford books, encouraging me to be a strong woman and walk away from a situation that gave me pause.  W.O.M.A.N.!

but, the other self-talk creeped in slowly:  if he didn't like you, he wouldn't be with you.  if it ends now, at least you had an amazing six months.  better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  enjoy the experience instead of trying to analyze it.  go with your gut instincts....except i think and overthink so much that i no longer know what my gut instinct is.  i can't even sense which direction it's pointing in right now.

you know, when we had the Talk on saturday, he said again that he had dated a couple of crazies before me, but he didn't expect to meet someone like me. he told me everything he thought was amazing about me. a couple of days ago, he sent me a text in response to something i had written that said, "you are different than any other woman i've dated, that is for sure" and i'm pretty certain he meant it as a compliment.

i have decided myself to believe that good things are going to happen with us and if they don't, well then at least i had a great six months.  remind me about this in four weeks when this thought process happens all over again (it will be year end, after all).