transitory

it occurred to me today that i may very well be Sam's transition-woman.  that's not a good thought to have, at least not for me.  i've been the transition-woman for at least three men that i've dated.  and when i say "transition-woman", i mean the woman that a guy dated, broke up with (or who I broke up with) and then ultimately went on to marry the next woman he met.

if i spin it positively, that means that i am the woman that makes these commitment-phobe men realize they have to step it up in relationships or they're getting left behind.

in the negative vein, it means that i haven't yet been considered marriage-material.

i don't actually see this too negatively.  and again, it's really only my twisted thoughts that brought this idea into my head. it's not that Sam makes me feel like i'm transitory, but i think it's because the nature of our relationship (how it came about and how it is progressing) feels tenuous.

i had a minor freak out again this weekend because Sam was barely in touch.  yes, he did have his son all weekend, but i had visions of him putting the boy to bed and then getting on the phone and chatting with women he met online, lining up dates for tonight because it is his first free night since last tuesday when i saw him last.  forget that he asked me for lunch today and that when i sat in front of him and talked to him for an hour, all of my doubts faded.

i suppose it doesn't help that his profile is still up and that he still goes online every now and again.  certainly not as frequently as he used to, but certainly not as infrequently as i'd like him to.  i may bring that up tomorrow, though how do you do that without sounding like a total controlling psycho?  "i've been keeping tabs on your online dating usage and it appears that you're logging on and checking your profile an average of once every other day.  what exactly are you looking for while you're on there?"  no, i don't think so.

i vacillate between thinking, "well, if it ends, then it was the best six months i've had in 13 years" and thinking, "oh, God, please don't let this end now.  i promise i'll try harder to be normal and stop questioning his actions so much."  i will find a happy medium.  but it has to be fast before he realizes that i'm a complete headcase.

maybe the Architect was right.  or maybe we're just all different levels of headcase and i'm just more aware of my level.

have i mentioned that Sam is amazing?  he is.  he's amazing.  sigh.