saboteur

i can't help myself.  just when i'm feeling good about the way things are going with Sam, feeling more secure, feeling more connected, i have to go and make mountains out of pebbles.  i had two great days with him - a wonderful date on Tuesday night and then he surprised me with lunch on Wednesday.

i sent a text today that i shouldn't have, at least not in the mood i sent it in.  i shared something trivial about my day, asked him how his day was and then said, "So, anyone interesting on OKC today? ;)"  and i sent it because not five minutes before, he was showing online.

i know, i know.  we are not in a committed relationship and i know that's not what he wanted from the beginning.  it was terribly foolish to think that i could exist in my version of our relationship while he existed in his.

he hasn't answered me back.  i'm hoping he's just going to ignore the dig (or maybe he doesn't think it's a dig at all) and life will return to normal.

i think it has more to do with me not quite believing i deserve something great rather than me believing that he should be with me.  i do think that, but i have to believe in myself too.

some days are harder than others and when i'm under so much stress with work and school, sometimes i find stupid outlets.  this was one of them.

damn it.