clarity

a couple of weeks ago, Sam and i ended up having an abbreviated, inconclusive version of The Talk.

i had planned to just ask him about his online activities, as i had noticed he continued to monitor both his online profiles on a fairly regular basis (not that i was checking up on him, naturally).  i happened to notice on a day when everything seemed to be happening at the same time (not unlike the last time i had a mini-meltdown), and so i was determined to at least clear that part up, though i knew the natural result would be The Talk.

fatalist that i am, i anticipated that after asking him why he felt the need to continue to have an online presence on two dating sites, he would want nothing more to do with me.  i wanted to lessen the eventual blowup by bringing the subject up when he was at his most vulnerable (and therefore, less likely to get defensive) - post-coitus.

i can't remember how the subject came up, but instead of ignoring the lead in like i always have in the past, i said, "are you seeing anyone else?"  i tried to ask as casually and unconcerned as i could.  i may have succeeded.  he said, "if you think i have the energy to see two women at the same time, you're crazy.  i can barely keep up with you!"  i laughed.  and then i said, "so....is that confirmation then?"  his turn to laugh and he said, "yes, that's confirmation that i am not seeing anyone else."  then i asked the hard question: "are you still looking?" without hesitation, he said, "no, not really. i think if we had only been seeing each other for a few weeks, i might, but after four months, i wouldn't feel right looking for someone else."  i have to paraphrase his answer, because after he confirm that he wasn't really still looking, i breathed a small sigh of relief and forgot to listen to the rest of his response.  he did go on to say that, "casual is hard because i don't know where i am, and that means you don't know where you are.  i didn't expect to meet someone like you." he used the words "emotionally stunted" to describe himself and mentioned that he was surprised that i didn't walk away after our second date when he told me that he was just looking for a casual relationship.  i told him i was surprised too.  then i asked him to tell me if he did start dating someone else and he said he would.  that's torturous for me, but at least then i'll know it's time to end it.

he never asks me if i'm dating anyone; i'm not sure if that's because he doesn't want to know or doesn't care.  he mentioned that a co-worker had asked him something about me recently - he couldn't remember what - and he told her that he didn't know.  when she said she was surprised he didn't know, he told her there are certain things he didn't need to know, that whatever it was was one of them.  of course, i am wracking my brain to figure out what it might be and the only thing i can think is whether or not i'm seeing anyone else.  there's nothing else he wouldn't want to know, other than my stance on marriage and babies, and that's something he wouldn't not want to know.

i'm pretty sure he has wanted to talk about this for a few weeks now - natural lead-ins have been dropped by him in the recent past but i haven't picked them up, and he hasn't pursued them.

at my lowest point, which precipitated this talk, i realized that our relationship isn't casual - it's convenient (for him).  while he calls it casual, we are both still getting the physical trappings of an exclusive relationship, but we're not really sharing any of the emotional trappings.  sure, we share about our day and we talk about our pasts and all of that, but it occurred to me recently that we don't seek emotional support from each other.  we give it freely, but we don't seek it out.  he doesn't look for bolstering if he's had a bad day and i don't look for advice when i think he can give it.  it's kind of strange.

i am of two minds about this:  the first is that it needs to end before New Years.  that's my natural break point and so i now have two months.  it still drives me crazy that his profiles are still active (yes, i check them and while he's still logging into them daily, it has been pointed out to me that it doesn't mean he's actively looking - he could just be curious as to who is looking at his profile and then logging off) and that he checks them.  i don't like that our time together is so segmented from the rest of our lives - yes, our outside lives from each other have crossed in uneventful ways (we bumped into two of my acquaintances at the park and he introduced me to his building manager) and clearly there are certain people from his "other" life that know about me.  i eventually want to integrate him into my life and vice-versa.

on the flip side, this slow-roll has not really been bad.  it has made me realize that my expectations for romantic relationships were stuck in 2001, when i had lots of free time and fewer responsibilities.  i honestly expected Sam to call me at least twice a day, email me when he wasn't calling, and see me three to four times a week.  i ain't got time for that now!  i see him once, sometimes twice a week depending on his kid schedule, and one of those is almost always an overnighter.  the rest of the week, we text regularly and when we have more than five days without seeing eachother , he'll usually call.  admittedly, our texts were always either "touching base" (how's your day sort of thing) and always had a point.  since The Talk, it seems like we're both more comfortable just sending random texts about the day or random thoughts, and he's answering back more often than he used to.

i honestly don't know what i'm going to do.  my head is telling me to give it up after 6 months - that's half my year he's had to himself.  if he doesn't know after 6 months how he feels about me or being with me or exclusive relationships, etc. then he'll never know or he's just fooling himself for thinking that this will ever be anything more than it is.  my heart, on the other hand, wants to hang on.  not because it's lonely or desperate for the attention but more because it knows something.  i've never had the kind of chemistry i've have with him with anyone else.  i know i say, "i've never felt this way about anyone before" a lot, but it feels like i mean it this time! i was planning on just ending it over the phone with him earlier last week but decided to do it in person.  well good luck with that.  i blame it on his pheromones.  there is something about him that i just can't resist.  it's insane!  i am pretty sure he feels the same as far as that goes.  and how do you give up something that continues to evolve?  six months isn't a long time in the greater scheme of things, and it's not like there is someone else that's trying to get my attention.  i could very well continue on until something else comes along.  but we know how that works with me.

no end in sight?  i don't know.  for now, i'm going to try to stop overanalyzing, stop wondering what the future holds, and just enjoy the ride.