misery maker

his profile now shows "replies often" instead of "no one has contact him this week".  but it's done that before, and then reverted back to the latter.  what to believe?

it has brought my mood down considerably, even though i have no idea whether it's accurate or not.  sure, he was online again this morning but i have no idea what he was doing.  maybe he logged on to check to see who had checked out his profile.  or maybe he logged on to check responses to messages he sent out.  i won't know unless i ask him.  and you know i won't ask him.

this raises the question: why do i check?  why do i create this misery?  when i don't check, i feel really good about everything.  for example, he is going to be free on Saturday night because his son is going to be at a sleepover, so he asked me whether i wanted to do something.  yesterday, when i got this text, i was happy because it felt like he was offering me this "time slot" when he could've offered it to someone else or moreover, could've made a date with someone else and i would never know.  i would NEVER know.  Never.  Never!

today, after the "replies often" tag, i think that maybe he did ask other people but didn't get a positive response.  why do i do this?  

i was scrolling my FB feed today and a picture on one of the "positive quotes" pages i follow had the reminder, "What you allow is what will continue."  so why do i?  because i'm afraid he'll remind me that we're just "casual" and that it's well within his right?  i'm in the mindset that this ends in December, so why not just speed up the process and pose the question to him now?  i have a feeling that his feelings aren't going to change in 7 weeks if they haven't really changed in four and a half months, so why prolong the inevitable?  why?

i don't feel i've opened up to him at all, because he told me this was casual and that is how i'm approaching it.  you don't open up to someone casual; you see them once a week or so and don't talk to them in between.  that is what i was expecting, but i've gotten much more than that.  i've gotten a pseudo-relationship.  that is confusing.  very, very confusing.  and old-me would've taken his casual words, thrown them aside and gone by his actions.  new-me has taken his casual words and held them close, because that is all i can do.  i'm not even sure he knows what he wants; in fact, i know he doesn't.  all HE has are his words to hang on to.  so here we are, two people that only know how to love, clinging to words that continue to separate us emotionally, thereby ruining any chance of us moving forward together.  one word - casual - hangs between us, at arm's length.  

what a waste.  and yet i wouldn't trade these four and a half months for anything.