the gigolo

why i'm upset about this, i don't know. it may be some real insight into my twisted psyche.

a couple of weeks ago, i got a message on the dating website i'm on from this smokin' hot guy. smokin' freakin' hot. hawt. and he told me he thought i was hot and came right out and told me he'd like to pleasure me. no apologies. he gave me his msn address (iscrew@domain.com - and he was serious) and said we should chat. he said he could come to my place or he would "host"at a nice hotel downtown (hence, the Gigolo moniker i've given him). his profile was bare-bones - one or two interests listed and a couple of sentences to list what he was looking for. i'll admit it. i bit. sort of.

i sent him an email that said that i was oh, so tempted because he was so fantastically hot, but that i was sure he had made the offer to other people already, so have fun.

he immediately sent me another email with his "real" msn. so i added him. we chatted once and to be honest, he came across as intelligent and nice. Moderately horny, but he didn't push the issue either. i was intrigued.

yesterday, Mon and i were talking about our matches on the site and we were talking about how we hate it when guys post gratuitous ab shots. then she starts telling me about this guy who emailed her and they had a brief exchange and then he blocked her for saying something he thought was stupid. she described him and i immediately thought it was the Gigolo.

today, we had a minute and she showed me his email. it was him. it was the Gigolo. but under a different profile. WTF! what a shyster! i read what his first email to her was and it was something to the effect of, "I was so intrigued by your smile, I had to write you." nothing, not one hint of anything sexual. it was just a normal email. i was stymied. he had even given her his "real" email address.

what was his motivation? i didn't understand but i wasn't too bothered. until now.

i just had a minute to read his "other" profile - it listed about 30 different interests and it had a funny "point" list of things he gaves points for and things he took points away for. i got 48 points, by the way. based on this profile, he seems like a great guy. i would have definitely messaged him with the profile alone (okay, the fact that he's uber-hot does help a bit).

so, why didn't he message me under his PG profile? why do i get dirty-Gigolo instead of the Boy Nextdoor?

the other side to this story? i met him online six (count 'em) years ago when he messaged me for the same thing. the odd part? i kept the photos he sent me because i was so intrigued by him then. what are the odds that we would meet again on a different site, six years later? what are the odds that he would proposition me again?

and here i go again, looking for oddities in the situation that will make me stand out from everyone else. what is wrong with me? the guy is so obviously a player, it shouldn't bother me that he didn't offer me his "real" self. grrr. i don't understand. i suppose i can take solace in the fact that, even after six years, he still thinks i'm hot.

but i'd rather be smart and funny.

busy

i've been busy with first dates and e-mails to and from potential dates and it's kind of fun. i was chatting with Mon today about the site and, of all people, she said she was scared of the in-person meet-up because she was afraid that they would judge her. i told her i had no problems with the first dates anymore; it's second dates i'm scared of. truth be told, i think i might actually be scared to meet someone i really like.

while i'm over the relationship itself, the scars from my relationship with the Ex are still very prominent, i realize now. it will probably sound odd, but i'm not scared of being judged or being compared to a previous girlfriend (not yet, anyway). it doesn't bother me if they think i'm a bit odd or boring or safe. i figure if they don't like who i am now, they're not going to take the time to grow to like me anyway, so why bother? i'm also not scared that i won't meet someone. if i don't, i'm fine with that.

what i am scared of is the next real relationship i actually have. how am i going to meet him? how will i know it's him? what happens if it's not everything i want it to be? do i adapt or do i leave? what happens if he's great, but our friendship isn't? for example, the Ex wasn't a very good boyfriend in the end. he would rather hang out with his friends and play video games and drink beer. but when it was just the two of us, at the time when it was really good between us, we would sit and laugh and say silly things. he wanted to spend time with me. he would bribe me with pizza so i would come over and watch Monday Night Football with him. and he didn't mind when i asked questions about what was going on. he liked teaching me about the sport he loved. and i turned him onto basketball and we started watching that together. we were so comfortable with each other. i'm scared i'll never find that level of comfort again.

dating isn't fun for me. it's a lot of work. but i don't mind putting in the effort and doing the hard work if i know that what it will yield will be a great friendship and an even better love relationship. but how will i know? will i ever stop looking? will i find someone that makes me want to stop looking? does it even matter to me anymore or am i just going through the motions because people think i should?

so many questions, so many possible answers.

pheremonal

my OB-Gyn has decided i need to try life off the Pill. i haven't been off the pill in over 10 years. it's a bit scary. but, if i could deal with the periods i was dealing with three years ago, i can deal with them off the Pill. i hope.

i confess that i've been thinking about going off the Pill for quite some time now, but not to help my periods. i read somewhere...somewhere...that being on the Pill (or any kind of hormone-affecting drug) affects ones pheremones. If my pheremones are off, that might (but only might) explain why i've had limited success in the love department in the past few years. as i get older, my hormones have shifted and changed, and who i was five years ago is most certainly not who i am today. maybe it was the drugs that were masking who i was. maybe that's why i seem invisible to some people - because my own pheromones are not really there.

i read a book called, "Perfume: The Story of a Murderer" and i must say i identified slightly with the title character. not in the sense that i need to murder in order to fulfill what i think is my destiny, but more that i seem invisible to the rest of the world. people still walk head-on into me on the street like i wasn't even there. it's a bit off-putting. i try very hard not to shoulder-check them as i walk by. hey, you walk into me, i'll walk into you.

perhaps being off the Pill will also help with my wonky moods and how i feel about my work. or maybe it will show me that it's not just the drugs that make me feel crazy.

there is so much i want to do - so many careers i want to try. i know i have to be patient and eventually, in this life or the next, i'll try them. it's hard to know which ones i actually want to be a part of, and which ones i just want to say i'm a part of, if you know what i mean.

i'm feeling like this post is all over the place, so i think i'll stop.

pressure

i think i'm too picky. and i think i'm too picky because i don't want to be in a relationship.

well, it's not that i don't want to be in a relationship - it's more that i don't want to have to work so hard at finding someone. what happened to the days when you could see someone in the lobby at work or at a pub and just smile and take it from there? okay, i guess i would help if i actually smiled at people but you know what i mean.

why is it necessary for me to be on not one, but two dating websites, and be completely unsuccessful at both, no matter how hard i try?

i sometimes think i'm bowing to the social pressure of being in a relationship. i'm 32 and i'm single and a portion of society thinks that's weird. i guess it's the whole Bridget Jones thing too - that all of my friends are going to get married and i get left off invitation lists because i'm not part of a couple. or, i get invited to the couple parties and have to sit at the head of the table because everyone else is paired off. and then people ask me weird questions about the single life and why i'm still single. shudder.

the thought that i might be single for the rest of my life doesn't scare me at all, but the thought of growing apart from my friends because they all have husbands, wives and children, does. it's already happening, although my close sets of friends will always be friends. i just don't see them anymore. because they're busy doing the couple-thing. and now the kid-thing.

so, i want a boyfriend so i can be part of the couple thing? so i don't get left behind? that doesn't sound like me and that's not someone i want to be either. i should want a partner because i want someone to spend time with and grow with, not because i want a built-in date for all holidays and weddings.

maybe that's why i'm having so much trouble connecting with people. i want it for the wrong reasons.

it's time to re-set the meter and start over again. oh, and smile.

self-help

i think i've figured out why i love formulaic, romantic comedies, and why i turn to them when i start to feel hopeless about the dating scene. i think they give me hope. as crazy as that sounds, rom-coms help me believe in love again - that love is possible and that love happens.

sure, FRCs are meant to be sugary and implausible, but for some reason, they re-vitalize my belief that there is someone out There for me. even the ones that make me cry give me that hope again.

i don't know if i ever told you the story, but on my way home from Punta Cana last year, the airline played, "P.S. I Love You". i was going to get a headset but decided that i really don't like Hilary Swank in general, so i didn't want to have to suffer through her ruining my favorite genre of movie.

when i got home, i kept hearing about how good the movie was so i finally broke down and rented it. i am, to this day, so glad i didn't watch it on the plane because i'm quite certain i would have been the laughing stock of the flight. i watched it again tonight and cried in almost every scene. can you imagine how nuts that would've been during a flight?

but it's renewed my faith. i shall continue on.

groundhog day

no, i'm not a day early. i'm faced with a similar situation i have been in twice, to varying degrees. and i am having a head v. heart dilemma, even though head should definitely win this one.

i have been trading e-mails with a guy i met on one of my dating websites. i had actually met him on one, initially, and he expressed interest on that one, but it was the one that i wasn't paying for. oddly, or not, i was matched up with him on the pay-site too and we started corresponding.

he's great. his emails are witting and engaging. he's a writer too and our styles are similar. we had great email chemistry (which we know does not always translate into in-person chemistry).

he sent me an email today, basically saying that when he first started corresponding with me, he had gone on one date with another woman. he didn't think anything would come of it so he continued to "meet" other people online. well, two dates turned into several and now he thinks there may be potential with her. he apologized if i thought he had wasted my time. i didn't think he had at all. that's just the way it is, right?

and then, he writes the following:

So, I wonder where we should go from here? Would you like to continue correspondence in a friendly way for now? Would you prefer to wait and check in a month or so to see if my date-match has turned into anything? Or do you prefer just to close things out and call it a poor twist of fate? I prefer options A or B, but I understand if you think option C is the way to go.

You seem unusually interesting to me so I'd hate to lose contact with you, but I respect whichever way you think is best.

i know what you're thinking, because that's exactly what i'm thinking too. WTF?

here's my take: i think he and i could potentially be good friends. and i've missed having a guy friend in my life. what could the harm be?

and then i remembered the two other times this has happened to me - the Server and MGF. the Server was just that - our favorite server at our favorite restaurant six years ago. we started to hang out and i'm pretty sure there were feelings on his side because one day, when i jokingly asked him why he hasn't asked me out yet, he alluded to the fact that he was going to, and then droped the bomb that someone asked him out instead. they're married now.

and we know the story with MGF. met online. i was just getting to know him and the Boy at the same time. both told me they weren't into anything serious. MGF acted like he meant it. the Boy didn't. i was hopeful and naive enough to think that i could change the Boy. six months later, the Boy was (almost) out of my life, MGF was still quite in my life but was also quite in his new girlfriend's life too. so much for "not serious". they're getting married in july.

i've basically written my response to No. 3 - that my initial reaction was, "Of course I still want to be friends! We get along so well!" and then i remembered that i already have two friends like that, and they're not really friends at all.

it makes me sad, though, that i am going to tell a guy that i feel very in-tune with that i don't want to continue to keep in touch. at the same time, my new year's resolution was to become the lead character in my own life, but i can't do that if i continue to allow myself to be a minor character in other peoples' lives. it's not healthy.

and really, who asks someone they've never met in person before to, in effect, "wait" for them while they test someone else out? really? really??

hot for teacher

i keep counting down the end of my days teaching as a good thing. now i am counting down with the sole purpose of getting one of the teachers to notice me.

i think i may have mentioned him - he's the science teacher whose classroom i'm using to teach my night class. if you were to see me when i get a chance to say something to him, you'd laugh. you know how with most guys i'm interested in, i can barely make eye contact? with Mr. G, i'm practically throwing myself at him. if i had to watch myself flick my hair and flash my 1000 watt grin, i'd puke.

six weeks and i will have a date with him. unless he's got a girlfriend, but if he's single, he's mine.

no more!

forecast overnight is for 5 to 10 cms of snow. no more. NO MORE!!!! AAAAARRGHHH!!

i hate freaking snow! fine, it's pretty when it falls at night and it's nice when it's just fallen. but then it gotsta go.

incidentally, i had a great day at work on friday, which i told my girlfriends about last night at dinner. today, i sat beside a woman on the skytrain that didn't believe in tissues (and didn't have one to give her), so i listened to her sniffing back her snot for 35 minutes. by the time i got off the train, i was about ready to scream. i was in a nasty mood all day today - not particulary mad, just snarly. my eyes are dry, either from the weather or the antibotics. the dryness is making me tired. i had a meagre lunch today and was hungry the rest of the day. and then i realized - PMS! this is the week. wow, the snarliness is like clockwork. who needs a calendar when you have my nasty moods to tell the time of the month?

incidentally, to remedy my paltry mid-afternoon meal, i stopped off at IGA to pick up some ground pork. got some ground beef too. took it home, mixed it up, seasoned it, mixed it and dashed it with extra chipotle tabasco and BAM! i had the best burger i've ever made - possibly ever had - in my entire life! along with the yam fries and chipotle mayo dip, by the end of the burger (which i was torn between scarfing down and savoring), my nose was running as badly as the woman from this morning.

talk about full circle.

evolution

i can literally see my evolution. i feel like i've changed overnight, but really, it's been over a matter of months.

the growth, the maturity, the foresight. maybe it's just cause i'm tired of complaining (really, finally!) and tired of worrying about the future.

i don't preface every comment on a meal with, "well, because of my taste affliction..." instead, i just say whether i think it tastes good or not. the "affliction" has been in my life for six months so i think i can safely say, it's here to stay. and with that, i have realized that perhaps my taste was affected because i needed to make that food change in my life. ruled by the decadence and comfort of food, i allowed it to take control over my life. the weight gain, the complacency. if the taste affliction taught me anything (and it taught me a lot!), it's that part of evolution is accepting that things are not going to always be the same and often, they don't stay the same. i can no longer go to Denny's at 3am, have a Grand Slam breakfast and not wake up feeling just a bit fatter than i did the day before. instead, i know that to change my life (and my waistline), i have to change my relationship with food and the way i eat. and as i always say, change is good. evolution of acceptance.

i don't immediately jump on my high horse when presented with tasks at work that i have previously deemed "beneath me". i have the respect of my peers and my superiors. they trust me enough to come to me when things need to be done efficiently and correctly, even if it's just to change flight plans. i have worked hard and earned that trust. i should be thankful. evolution of ego.

i don't lose control when i'm at the mall and i'm surrounded by sale signs. i take a quick mental stock of what i need versus what i want, and all of a sudden, the desire to buy another cozy sweater that's a shade darker than the one i bought the week before, has dissipated. except for the red patent ballerina flats. those i had to have. and i gave away one pair of flats to compensate. evolution of control.

i enjoy making plans in my head of what i'm going to do when i have money to spare, but a lot of those plans now include getting a real nest egg/rainy day fund going so i can start making more frequent payments on the mortgage. yes, a nice, yearly beach holiday is also in the plan, but not without a little sacrifice elsewhere in the budget. evolution of the future!

hallelujah, i think she's finally starting to get it!

crowd

i have thirteen students in my class this time around. not sure i'll still have all thirteen next week, but i guess we'll see.

it was a weird feeling. i've been dreading this day since december. i whined all day that i didn't want to go. and then, when i get there, i'm calm. i'm organized. i'm not at all nervous (i can tell because neither my hands nor my voice was shaking). i was confident in my delivery and the way i answered questions. and i felt good. almost good enough to continue on to another class.

almost. not quite. and most certainly not for this particular school board's program!

incidentally, when i went to the office to pick up my books, there was a very attractive guy that was sort of lumbering around the office area. turns out he was a teacher at the school and i was using his classroom. he helped me carry my text books to the class. yes, i tried to flirt with him but he was stonier than i am normally. didn't even crack a smile. science geeks.

pay it forward

i was feeling slightly down today. another coffee date last night, another lukewarm reaction from the guy. i know it has more to do with what their expectation of me was going to be, but it doesn't mean it's not going to affect me in some way. work was a bit of a drag as i'm feeling slightly overwhelmed again. i was looking forward to coming home and vegging on the couch.

i stopped off at IGA because i ran out of bread this morning. the cashier went through the usual drill with me (hi, how are you, blah blah blah). when she gave me my receipt, i smiled and said thanks. as i went to reach for my bag that was sitting at the end of the counter, the cashier reached over to me and said, "thank you for giving me a nice smile!" i was surprised. it made me further aware that retail jobs are some of the most thankless and that a genuine smile can brighten up a person's day, even for just that one moment.

needless to say, her compliment paid itself forward. i'm feeling cheery again.

zut alors!

i don't mean this to sound conceited but i think i may be too photogenic. like, i think i look really good in photos, but then when people meet me in person, they're disappointed that i don't look the same as my picture.

i met an online date for coffee yesterday. Nico and i met and started exchanging e-mails only a couple of weeks ago but it seemed like the right time to meet. we had exchanged some really good e-mails - not just the "what's your favorite song" type of e-mails but ones where actual conversations and exchanges were taking place. he came across as very real, with no hint of arrogance or pompousness. and i'm not saying i expected either just because he's from France.

when i got to the coffee shop, i saw him in the window. i was almost certain it was him. i walked in the door and stood five feet from where he was sitting. i stood there and scanned the room, giving him enough time to see me, ensure it was probably me, and then by the time my eyes reached his, he would smile and i would walk over and say, "bonjour!"

as my eyes reached where he sat, i realized he was not looking at me. he was looking in the other direction. he didn't realize it was me. he was expecting someone better looking.

i managed to make my way over to him and say hello and he returned my hello and we sat and chatted for about an hour. when it was time to part ways, he said, "i would hug you but i don't want to get you sick," because he was still battling the cold he had caught over Christmas. pas de probleme!

except when i ran through the whole evening in my head this morning, it played more like, "get me out of here" than "get me home so i can rest and see this wonderful angel of a woman again soon." i don't even remember him suggesting that we should meet again. sigh.

against my better judgment (head, not heart), i sent him the Follow-Up Note (ironically acronymed as "FUN") this morning, just wishing him a speedy recovery and expressing that if he wanted to get together again, i would like to see him.

will he respond? je ne sais pas. do i want him to? OUI! he was so nice and seemed so kind. i don't even want to date him, necessarily, but someone like him would be a nice friend to spend time with every now and then. but how do you say that without sounding like you're expecting anything else? bah.

c'est la vie.

in-som-ni-ya

night four. it didn't help that i forgot to ask for a "decaf mocha" tonight when i met my newest online match for coffee. he was really nice.

i don't understand why i'm having trouble sleeping. i toss and i turn. i stare at the clock (or rather, i think it's staring at me). i'm tired but i can't sleep. perhaps two weeks of sleeping a one or two or three in the morning wasn't such a good idea after all.

ring my bell

nothing like a fire alarm to kick start your morning. at least this time, it was in the morning!

the bell went off, just as i was taking stuff out of the fridge for brunch. i woke up late today (don't know why) and then puttered instead of following my newly instigated schedule. as the bell and alarms screamed, i thought to myself, "this is why i should always change into lounging clothes, instead of just lounging in my pjs." i quickly changed into something decent and went down to the front.

less than ten neighbours joined me, which is frightening. i know that it's probably a false alarm, but why would want to take that risk?

the fire department came because they're the only ones who can switch off the alarm. the one that did it - HOT. but also a firefighter who probably gets more than his share of the women-folk because he's hot and a firefighter, which probably means he has an ego the size of Montana (is Montana big, because that's what i was going for), which means i want nothing to do with him. well, maybe ONE thing to do with him. but before the cheesy 70s porn soundtrack starts, i digress...

it turns out the alarm went off because of an over-flowing washing machine (don't ask me how that works). a guy on the main floor left his washing machine going and went out for a few minutes. he got back just as the alarm was starting. apparently the water is now seeping into the games room directly below him. that sucks because it means yet another insurance claim for the strata if the owner doesn't have insurance. at the same time, i'm glad it wasn't an owner's suite because that would suck for them.

and that reminds me, i really should get that emergency ladder that i've been putting off getting. safety before more shoes!

my ears are still ringing.

sally ann

i went for a walk today in the 'hood, wellies and all, with the sole purpose of finding out some wedding dress info for Cess. i did, and then ended up walking by the Salvation Army on the way home. i decided to pop in to check it out and ended up buying three purses and two books, all for under $30 canadian dollars. i've said this before, but i think i found my new favorite store.

i bought a red pocketbook style purse, an ivory envelope clutch and a black cord messenger bag. the first two are no-name but the last one is a fossil so i paid the premium price of $12.00. not bad. i don't know that i can buy anything else there (like clothes or coats or ... shudder... towels and underwear) but accessories, i can handle. i forgot to look for a belt, though. guess i'll have to go back tomorrow.

and i can't believe i've lived 30 years in Vancouver and have never had a pair of rain boots. i used my new pair today and it was fantastic! my pant hems aren't wet and neither are my feet. my pants are a bit wrinkled from stuffing them in the boot, but they'll get over it, as will i.

oh, and the wedding dress? i checked out the designer's website and fricken eh, i want to get married just so i can buy one of her dresses!

eve of the eve

i'm feeling pensive and reflective. i can't believe it's almost the end of the year. i see it on the calendar and i know it in my head, but it just doesn't feel like a year has gone by.

i'm starting to see a trend. every year for the past few years, Christmas has seemed like less of a "thing" and new years has been less monumental. my birthday has become less and less important, and i sometimes feel like i make a big deal about it because i'm supposed to. actually, if i remember correctly, i feel that way up to the day, and then the day of, i'm like a kid again. okay, so birthday is not included.

i don't know what it is. Christmas came and went. i love Christmas. i bought three gifts this year. i should have bought more gifts for more people because maybe it would've felt like the giving season again. i did participate in a couple of charity gift things, so that was part of it. we had a white Christmas, the first in about 10 years, and it still didn't feel like Christmas (maybe because our Christmases are normally green).

and new years eve is tomorrow. where did that come from? i've had my new years plans booked for about a month or so now, so i knew what i was going to do, but i almost just want to stay at home in my pyjamas. not unlike every other night this week. sad.

is it because i'm getting older or is it because i've become jaded? i don't want to think it's either. it can't be because i'm older. it's not an age thing with me. and being jaded just isn't an option. despite all of the crap that's gone on in my family the past three years, compared to other people i have an ideal family life. compared to. isn't that what it's all about?

life is about comparisons, whether you like it or not. i don't like it. my favorite quote is, "our greatest unhappiness comes when we compare ourselves to others." i don't know who the quote is attributed to, but it's always been one that hits home with me. whenever i am feeling particularly jealous or slighted or inferior or superior, i think about this quote because it is so true. i am never unhappy with my life until i start looking at other peoples' lives and wondering how they came about it. how can she afford to live that lifestyle? how is he so bright and clever?

it's not that i can't talk myself out of being envious and just come to terms with what i have. i've managed to make my peace with my body image and my decision not to go to law school. okay, so that's two things out of many. but i did it! so why can't i let go of other things? why do i make myself a prisoner to my thoughts, my wants? captive in my own head and by my own volition? there is a masochistic part of me that i can only deal with part of the time. sporadically.

why is it so hard to let go?

hack

my eyes are itchy. i've been with cold since Christmas Eve. it's gotten much better - i no longer sound like Barry White with bronchitis, but i still have the sore eyes and sniffly nose. i'm tired of drinking juice and hacking myself awake in the middle of the night. but if i only have to suffer like this once a year, then so be it.

i'm so bored.

2

she pooed today too. i'm definitely not getting a dog. not unless i have a backyard and a doggie door.

i can't say i miss her, but she was kind of nice to have around.

fawning

so when i saw him today, he said, "where were you? i thought you were going to come out after and meet us at Stella's?" i told him that i wanted to, but i didn't want to lug my stuff around. he said, "you could've put your bag in my car. that's what everyone else did." i said, "you had your car??? you didn't tell me that?" and so it went on. it ended with him saying, "i was disappointed you didn't join us." they ended up at Havana's and he said it was really nice. not busy, but a good vibe. i really wish i had gone. i let stupid little things hold me back from doing things i want to do. honestly, my bag? i didn't want to tote my bag around? apparently their group broke up the same time i headed home, so i guess i didn't miss too much.

he caught on that the two yunguns of the office were hanging off him and he told me he was counting on me to help him shake them. i told him we needed a signal, like in baseball. then we did a bunch of stupid, made-up signals and laughed. i enjoy being his friend.

the Ninja took me for my Christmas lunch today at Saltlick. MMMMM, i had The Best sandwich there. it was the daily special (i chose it over the clubhouse because our server said they only had it every now and then): shaved prime rib sandwich au jus, and skinny french fries. i could've done without the fries - yam fries have spoiled me for life. but the sandwich was so amazingly good, i only ate half of it (even though I was still hungry), just so i could have it for lunch tomorrow. so, so good. did i mention it was good?

Mon confessed to me that she bought 7 pairs of boots at Browns on the weekend. SEVEN! all Stuart Weitzman, all 70% off. so each pair was only about $200. i thought I had a problem. but it got me thinking that i need to swing by Browns on the way home tomorrow. oh wait, i still have the dog tomorrow afternoon. she peed on the carpet. i knew she would but i was hoping that she could hold out until i got home. 12 hours isn't too much to ask to hold a pee, is it? at least she waited until i took her out for her second Second of the day. she's lying beside me on the floor right now, snoring away. i should take her out for one last pee before i go to bed.

i should not get a dog.

midnight confessions

i find it interesting, in a psychanalytic way, that i can't admit a crush i have on someone, even to myself. is that weird? is that untruthful? does it mean more than i think it means? i admitted my crush to Nige a while back, but have not mentioned it to him since. he told me immediately that i should create some space. even he knows it won't end up well.

i can't even bring myself to admit it now. we had our office christmas party tonight. i was inwardly miffed that my crush didn't sit with me, but instead sat with The Student (NB - i should change her name. she's a lawyer now!). he only managed to come up to me when i moved to another table and was chatting with other people and taking pictures. i managed to take a couple of him and then (because I was sitting on a chair and he was standing behind me), i said, "come down here, i want to take a picture." so he put his arm around my neck and gave me a good squeeze and i took the picture. we both look drunk; everyone else says it's a good picture.

i feel guilty looking at the picture, you know? mooning over it, like he was someone that i could be with. he and The Student took off early and went to Stella's. he beckoned me to come with them and i was going to go, but i had that sneaking suspicion that nothing good would come of it.

i don't drink, but i tend to take advantage of the fact that other people do. especially on a night like tonight, when guards are down and people are a lot more relaxed. i know in my heart i would have tried something and i have a feeling that he wouldn't have been opposed to even a small advance.

ugh, i feel guilty just admitting it. ugh. UGH. don't get me wrong - i am not after him. he's married, with a 2 year old and twins on the way. i don't need to involve myself with that kind of drama. but it's slightly beyond crush, you know? ugh. UGH.

i just shivered. what is wrong with me???