eve of the eve

i'm feeling pensive and reflective. i can't believe it's almost the end of the year. i see it on the calendar and i know it in my head, but it just doesn't feel like a year has gone by.

i'm starting to see a trend. every year for the past few years, Christmas has seemed like less of a "thing" and new years has been less monumental. my birthday has become less and less important, and i sometimes feel like i make a big deal about it because i'm supposed to. actually, if i remember correctly, i feel that way up to the day, and then the day of, i'm like a kid again. okay, so birthday is not included.

i don't know what it is. Christmas came and went. i love Christmas. i bought three gifts this year. i should have bought more gifts for more people because maybe it would've felt like the giving season again. i did participate in a couple of charity gift things, so that was part of it. we had a white Christmas, the first in about 10 years, and it still didn't feel like Christmas (maybe because our Christmases are normally green).

and new years eve is tomorrow. where did that come from? i've had my new years plans booked for about a month or so now, so i knew what i was going to do, but i almost just want to stay at home in my pyjamas. not unlike every other night this week. sad.

is it because i'm getting older or is it because i've become jaded? i don't want to think it's either. it can't be because i'm older. it's not an age thing with me. and being jaded just isn't an option. despite all of the crap that's gone on in my family the past three years, compared to other people i have an ideal family life. compared to. isn't that what it's all about?

life is about comparisons, whether you like it or not. i don't like it. my favorite quote is, "our greatest unhappiness comes when we compare ourselves to others." i don't know who the quote is attributed to, but it's always been one that hits home with me. whenever i am feeling particularly jealous or slighted or inferior or superior, i think about this quote because it is so true. i am never unhappy with my life until i start looking at other peoples' lives and wondering how they came about it. how can she afford to live that lifestyle? how is he so bright and clever?

it's not that i can't talk myself out of being envious and just come to terms with what i have. i've managed to make my peace with my body image and my decision not to go to law school. okay, so that's two things out of many. but i did it! so why can't i let go of other things? why do i make myself a prisoner to my thoughts, my wants? captive in my own head and by my own volition? there is a masochistic part of me that i can only deal with part of the time. sporadically.

why is it so hard to let go?

hack

my eyes are itchy. i've been with cold since Christmas Eve. it's gotten much better - i no longer sound like Barry White with bronchitis, but i still have the sore eyes and sniffly nose. i'm tired of drinking juice and hacking myself awake in the middle of the night. but if i only have to suffer like this once a year, then so be it.

i'm so bored.

2

she pooed today too. i'm definitely not getting a dog. not unless i have a backyard and a doggie door.

i can't say i miss her, but she was kind of nice to have around.

fawning

so when i saw him today, he said, "where were you? i thought you were going to come out after and meet us at Stella's?" i told him that i wanted to, but i didn't want to lug my stuff around. he said, "you could've put your bag in my car. that's what everyone else did." i said, "you had your car??? you didn't tell me that?" and so it went on. it ended with him saying, "i was disappointed you didn't join us." they ended up at Havana's and he said it was really nice. not busy, but a good vibe. i really wish i had gone. i let stupid little things hold me back from doing things i want to do. honestly, my bag? i didn't want to tote my bag around? apparently their group broke up the same time i headed home, so i guess i didn't miss too much.

he caught on that the two yunguns of the office were hanging off him and he told me he was counting on me to help him shake them. i told him we needed a signal, like in baseball. then we did a bunch of stupid, made-up signals and laughed. i enjoy being his friend.

the Ninja took me for my Christmas lunch today at Saltlick. MMMMM, i had The Best sandwich there. it was the daily special (i chose it over the clubhouse because our server said they only had it every now and then): shaved prime rib sandwich au jus, and skinny french fries. i could've done without the fries - yam fries have spoiled me for life. but the sandwich was so amazingly good, i only ate half of it (even though I was still hungry), just so i could have it for lunch tomorrow. so, so good. did i mention it was good?

Mon confessed to me that she bought 7 pairs of boots at Browns on the weekend. SEVEN! all Stuart Weitzman, all 70% off. so each pair was only about $200. i thought I had a problem. but it got me thinking that i need to swing by Browns on the way home tomorrow. oh wait, i still have the dog tomorrow afternoon. she peed on the carpet. i knew she would but i was hoping that she could hold out until i got home. 12 hours isn't too much to ask to hold a pee, is it? at least she waited until i took her out for her second Second of the day. she's lying beside me on the floor right now, snoring away. i should take her out for one last pee before i go to bed.

i should not get a dog.

midnight confessions

i find it interesting, in a psychanalytic way, that i can't admit a crush i have on someone, even to myself. is that weird? is that untruthful? does it mean more than i think it means? i admitted my crush to Nige a while back, but have not mentioned it to him since. he told me immediately that i should create some space. even he knows it won't end up well.

i can't even bring myself to admit it now. we had our office christmas party tonight. i was inwardly miffed that my crush didn't sit with me, but instead sat with The Student (NB - i should change her name. she's a lawyer now!). he only managed to come up to me when i moved to another table and was chatting with other people and taking pictures. i managed to take a couple of him and then (because I was sitting on a chair and he was standing behind me), i said, "come down here, i want to take a picture." so he put his arm around my neck and gave me a good squeeze and i took the picture. we both look drunk; everyone else says it's a good picture.

i feel guilty looking at the picture, you know? mooning over it, like he was someone that i could be with. he and The Student took off early and went to Stella's. he beckoned me to come with them and i was going to go, but i had that sneaking suspicion that nothing good would come of it.

i don't drink, but i tend to take advantage of the fact that other people do. especially on a night like tonight, when guards are down and people are a lot more relaxed. i know in my heart i would have tried something and i have a feeling that he wouldn't have been opposed to even a small advance.

ugh, i feel guilty just admitting it. ugh. UGH. don't get me wrong - i am not after him. he's married, with a 2 year old and twins on the way. i don't need to involve myself with that kind of drama. but it's slightly beyond crush, you know? ugh. UGH.

i just shivered. what is wrong with me???

snow

it's snowing. the first snow of the season. i had to drive home in but it wasn't so bad.

the General's 50th surprise party was tonight. it was fun. the Ninja was there sans Pop Tart, which is a good sign. maybe he actually is smart enough not to bring her to social gatherings that involve important people (i.e. his work colleagues and partners). she's an embarassment. i've never even met the girl, but i know this.

the General's wife came up to us and chatted for a bit. i guess she had gone up to Nicbal, who has fairly recently become the General's assistant, and said, "dear, who are you?" when Nicbal told her she said, "i thought you were a party crasher!" Nicbal then brought her to our group where she introduced everyone. when Mrs. General got to me, she shook my hand, recognized that we had met briefly at the office, repeated my name three or four times and said, "you're the only name he's brought home. i don't know the names of anyone else. except KSpazz. which one is she?" i was so tempted to ask her why he mentioned KSpazz, but i resisted. Mrs. General then went on to give us her condolences for having to work with the General. i thought that was funny.

all in all, an early night. i left at 10, but only because the snow looked like it was starting to get heavy and i didn't want to drive in it when it got bad. the Ninja must've been more drunk than i thought because he gave me a hug goodbye, which he never does.

i need a GPS unit, but apparently only when i drive in Richmond. that place, i don't even get. except that all roads lead to the airport.

celery

i'm obsessing again. i'm going backwards. i don't go backwards. but this guy was a good catch. we just didn't ... i don' t know. actually, i do know. i was stupid enough to give him the address to my previous blog. and then he read it and thought i was a headcase. in comparison to others, i don't think i'm much of a headcase, if at all. but he thought i was. had i not given him access to the blog, perhaps we would've lasted a little longer.

it turns out, we have mutual friends, although not in the facebook sort of way (and yes, he is on facebook. profile is locked, damn it!). i happened to mention his name to BrendaLou the other day (because she is a WV Girl) and she knows his sister. and she knows him. and his mother was just at her mother's house, buying some Christmas ornaments for her students. i'm hoping that BrendaLou takes it upon herself to re-connect us, but i don't think she will. i could send him a FB message, but that would be a bit much after three years, don't you think?

headcase indeed.

p.s. not that i'm obsessing about it, but first thing this morning when i stepped on the scale (after my morning pee, before my morning water or breakfast, without breathing and without moving too much to aggravate the position of the scale's needle), i was down almost 20 lbs. WTF.

truth and consequences

had coffee with MGF tonight. i still find my feelings for him, such that they are, difficult to define. on the one hand, i wish in a way that it was me he was marrying in july. on the other hand, i know i would never be able to trust him fully when it came to fidelity so why even belabour any regrets?

but i do, in a way, regret not "choosing" him when i had that option and i told him so last year. but in no way do i regret my relationship (such that it was!) with Mike. he taught me a very important lesson that i really needed to learn: that drama is not a requirement or a desire in any of my relationships. particularly over-drama. had i chosen MGF over Mike, i would not have learned that very important lesson that Mike inadvertently taught me. and who's to say that MGF and i would have worked out anyway?

i suppose the twisting i feel in my chest when i meet with MGF for our quarterly coffee dates is similar to the one i get when i think about the Ex and his getting married. i want to feel bad and feel hurt and feel cheated, but i don't. there is still a small part of me that wants to be the victim of "the one that got away", but the other, more sensible and mature part of me squashes that feeling. gives me a mental slap upside the head, so to speak.

i still have a lot to learn.

back to green

i spent the week eating chinese food, cinnamon buns, croissants and pizza, the latter being from work. i feel gross. i'm back to salads, except for the chocolate cravings i've been having. is it bad that i'm still eating chocolate, even though it doesn't taste good to me anymore? goes to show how deeply rooted my sweet tooth actually is.

my PMS really affects the way i perceive me and work. i know it's only a few days a month that i have to suffer through it (the PMS, i mean), but when my feelings about my job are magnified like that, it makes me wonder. but then i realized, i shouldn't wonder.

everyone is in the same position as me. i think at least half of people who are working are doing work that is not what they were trained to do or not challenging to them. but they do it because they're getting paid. i get paid well to do what i do, as i've always said (when i'm not on my high horse). i did the paralegal program so i could continue with the type of work i did at Crown, but get paid more. and now i am. i've determined a little substantive knowledge is a bad thing when put into the wrong head.

and we've also already determined that enough is never enough for me. if i were to go to law school, i would still face my challenges of not having complete autonomy and having people above me. once i became a lawyer, i'd just be an associate, not a partner. if i became partner, i'd want to be a judge. and even if i were a judge, my on-the-job actions would still be bound by the laws that govern. there is no real freedom in the corporate word. you are always accountable to someone. not that i don't want to be. but sometimes i do.

i shall challenge myself with other things - further courses, crosswords, languages...but not men. :)

did i mention i met the guy from the mixer a few weeks ago, Moe, for coffee last week? it was okay. i was tired and not feeling at all social so it was brief. i was feeling kind of bad about it. after all, the guy is in a new city and he doesn't know anyone here. his only family is in ottawa and it's just his sister. he's alone and he's just trying to make a friend and here i am, automatically assuming he wants to date me. i vowed that if he asked me to do something again that i would do it. well, he e-mailed me today and said he met a guy who was going to teach him salsa dancing in exchange for him teaching the salsa teacher how to do web design. i guess i'm going to learn how to salsa dance because he asked me if i wanted to go with him. i thought it sounded fun. will keep you posted.

hello, random.

trip

i miss my iPod. i have to endure over-hearing some of the most inane conversations on the skytrain. yesterday, i was on my way home and marking final exams. this group of hoodlums got on the train about two stops after i did and immediately continued their overly-loud, attention-getting conversation that had obviously started prior to boarding the train. i tried very hard to ignore it. but once i was finished my marking and then finished my crossword, i had no choice but to tune in and out of it. the gist? they were on their way to surrey to hang out in a park and get high. the loudest guy said, "i'm so excited!" this girl beside him said, "why? you aren't even high yet." and he said, "yeah, but we're going to be!"

really? Really. i seriously lost five IQ points just allowing myself to take that one exchange in.

my shoulders are killing me. i am going to buy some sort of posture-support brace because i just can't hold my shoulders back and sit straight like i should. i've maxed out on massage and physio visits covered under my extended for this year so i'm biding my time until january. maybe i should check out acupuncture as it is covered separately under medical.

my dad informed me that he's not buying us Christmas gifts this year. he's not expecting them either, but he ain't buying them for us for sure. i suppose i shouldn't expect a gift but that just means one less thing to open on Christmas day. i suppose he'll make us a nice Christmas dinner which will be nice (or will we end up at sharon's?) but i suppose the magic of Christmas that only kids really fully enjoy is now lost to me too.

i'm feeling particularly anti-social these days. i have a date with one of the guys i met at the mixer last month and i really don't want to go. i'm of two minds about the whole thing: 1) i should go out with him because i don't really know him and who knows? he might be a good friend; or 2) if the tables were turned, i wouldn't want to be going out with someone if i was really looking forward to seeing them but they were feeling either lukewarm or downright cold about seeing me, but were forcing themselves to see me because "who knows". i encourage Doc Tardy to explore her options, yet i am not that willing to explore mine. i don't find this guy particularly interesting but... who knows?

i know. maybe that's a bad attitude. i'm going to bed. i had a bad sleep last night and was a bear this morning.

greener

i don't know why i'm always looking, regardless of what it is. i'm always looking for a better pair of pants or a better face cream or a better looking guy to crush on. i always seem to be looking for a better job that pays better money and where the people respect your work and treat you as an equal.

i always want to learn something new instead of improving, and perfecting, what i already know. i'm always looking at going back to school and always looking at what different courses i can take, or how far i can go with another degree.

it's like i'm never 100% happy with what i have, even though what i have is generally pretty good. my work, while it can get very boring, can be pretty interesting when things heat up. for the most part, the people i work with respect me and my opinion and treat me pretty well. i have a pretty good education and earn a pretty good living (knock on wood).

i wrote to Nige the other day in answer to his question about whether i thought i wanted to find someone special to spend the rest of my life with and whether i thought i would. in my answer, i said to him, "i am most unhappy with my life when i compare what i have and what i have done with other people." it's true - if you compare yourself with what your friends have, you're bound to find someone who is much better off than you. you're also bound to find someone who is not as well off as you.

i think if i could stay on track and just focus on what i have and how i can make myself better, i would obsess less about keeping up with the rest of the world, even though i don't think that's what i'm doing. but i am. and it's driving me crazy.

maybe now that i now practice (for the most part) "No More Drama", it is no longer required as my mantra and i can use something else. How about:

Focus.......

draft of something

i've been skulking on a speed-dating website for some time now. i routinely receive their newsletters and i'll log on every now and then to look at the pictures of all the pretty singles having fun and meeting people. every once in awhile, it sparks something in me. nothing big enough to light the proverbial fire under my tush that would cause me to sign up for one of the events, but it sparks something nonetheless.

the other day, i opened my e-mail to find another newsletter from them. i wasn't in the mood to read up on what other people were getting up to, but i read it over quickly and found that it wasn't just any event notice - it was a FREE event notice.

not being someone who can resist anything free, much less something that i'm curious about, i clicked on the link and found that their speed dating event, taking place the very next night, had two spots available for women and those spots would be free to whomever responded first. i quickly e-mailed them and reserved the two spots for my girlfriend and i. she wasn't able to join me, but i decided i was going to go anyway.

the event was scheduled to start at 7:30 p.m. i arrived at about 7:20 p.m. and as i walked up to the door of the cafe it was being held at, i noticed that there was no one else there. i opened the doors, and there were two other women standing there. i smiled and said hello and commented about the lack of people at such a late hour. we ended up sitting together while waiting for the rest of the event-goers to show up.

as we sat and chatted (it was their first time speed-dating as well), men started to show up. lots and lots of men. they joined us at our table and we all started talking. it felt "against the rules" to be chatting up people you'd be soon learning about in the process anyway, but i thought i could warm up my "A" game before anything really started.

the concept is simple: in our case, there were two rows of eight tables. on the inside of the rows sat the women and the men rotated from table to table on the outside. we were all given cards with a list of the opposite sex's names - if I liked someone, i'd put a checkmark next to their name. if he liked me in return, he would check my name. we had five minutes per person to chat. let the games begin.

the first guy that sat with me worked in computers. when he talked, he wouldn't look directly at me but rather, would gaze just past me. if i was talking, he'd try to make eye contact. but the minute he started saying something, he would look off into the distance. no checkmark there.

the next guy was really nice - he loved the beach and hot weather and did jive dancing as a hobby. and he worked with computers.

a couple of guys later, i re-met one of the men that sat down with me and the other two girls at the beginning of the night. because we had already met, he started off by taking my hand, putting three different coins into my palm and asking me what he deemed a "skill-testing question" to see if i was more than just a pretty face. i passed. i had heard the riddle before (many times, the first time being on an episode of "The Brady Bunch"), so I ended up impressing him with my brain as well. it bothered me, slightly, that all he talked about was where he was going to take me for our first date. presumption is not exactly attractive in those kinds of situations.

another guy immediately launched into how embarrassed he was to be there and how he would never own up to having attended speed dating if asked. then he started talking about how his last relationship had just ended a couple of months prior. note to the brokenhearted out there: don't go to speed dating for therapy. five minutes is not enough time.

there was one guy who sat down and i immediately felt the chemistry as i gazed across the table at him. he didn't have much to say, but he said enough with his eyes. i made a mental note to check off his name when the time came. it did not bother me that he worked with computers.

the guy after that one was pleasant enough, but when the gong sounded, he immediately opened his card in front of me, made a very obvious motion of checking off my name, and then smiled and moved on to the next table. i was stymied. but i didn't do the same for him. the fact that he worked with computers probably didn't help.

and finally, the guy i had been eyeing since he had sat down beside me at the beginning of the night was sitting in front of me. he was a mixture of cute but geeky and smart but a bit shy. his family background was similar to mine (in that he actually spent a lot of time with his family) and he seemed like he was geniunely interested in what i had to say. he started off his career as an engineer (he's smart!) but was now teaching math and science at a high school (he cares!). his background was chinese and italian (he speaks fluent italian but doesn't look like he should!) did i mention he did not work with computers?

when the final gong rang and we all had a chance to review the list of names, i played it cautious and only checked off two names: the guy with the chemistry and the guy with a future.

i left the event feeling very positive and light-hearted. it was a lot of fun; more fun than i've ever had on my own with a room full of strangers.

i tried not to check my e-mail constantly for the next two days but i must say that when i received the matches e-mail two days later, i was excited. however, i had only matched with Mr. Chemistry. i guess Mr. Future did not feel the same about me as i did about him!

for a minute after realizing Mr. Future had not selected me, i felt a bit like one of the women at the rose ceremony on "The Bachelor". i thought we really had a connection. i thought we would've been great together. i thought i saw a future with him. but not to be. sob, sob, sob. ahem.

Mr. Chemistry contacted me immediately. we set up a coffee date for that weekend.

we met up and it was awkward. we chatted for awhile and it was awkward. i decided pretty early on in the meeting that this guy was not it. about an hour after we met up, i delivered my usual, date-ending line, "so, what are your plans for the rest of today?" and he shifted uncomfortably, smiled sheepishly and said, "well...uh...i'm going to meet another one of the girls i met at speed dating the other night." i tried not to laugh or show any reaction on my face. i merely said, "that's great!" when he walked me to the train and we parted ways, i wished him a good evening and good luck with the other girl.

back to the drawing board!

pattern

i was snarly today. i hated everything and every one. everything was stupid. everyone was a moron. at about 10 am, i said to myself, "Self, what is wrong with you??" and then i realized - i'm PMSing.

i forgot about my mood journal about mid-way through October so i will have to start again so i can see the pattern. but i think this pattern, the snarly-i-hate-everything pattern is firmly established. i feel ridiculous being so grumpy and miserable, but it's very hard to control. i figure i'm doing well because i'm not snapping at people or getting angry for no reason - all i do i stay quiet and stew in my own thoughts but apparently, that makes people edgy too. what, am i supposed be Little Miss Sunshine all the freaking time??? would they rather me ignore them or get angry at every stupid thing that makes me GRRR? i think i'd rather be ignored for the day and then be treated normally the next day, wouldn't you?

i wonder if the Rx needs to be changed up again. although, i'm not crying at random things so that's a plus. snarly-me is just really hard to deal with, even just for myself.

GRRRRRR. Rowr.

busy much?

i've been to three singles events in four days. i'm tired.

but i did get inspired to write about them. i wish i had approached saturday's event as research rather than social, because i think i could've gotten a good story out of it. actually, friday's cooking event would have been better as a story. maybe i can salvage something.

i met a seer at saturday's event. he made a generalization of me based on my birthdate and he was pretty accurate. he said he gives readings but he doesn't charge because it's a gift. it sounds like he's the real deal. he's also a career coach, which i think is funny, and yet somehow apt. he told me i should be working in sales or client relations because he felt i really enjoyed the meeting people aspect of work. i don't know about sales, but i would like to work in a job where i managed files and clients. maybe he's on to something.

i also met a guy named Moe. i don't know.

mangia!

now that i'm down to an acceptable size, clothing-wise, i find myself eating huge meals, even though they don't really taste the way they should. i don't eat often, but when i do, i go big. well, just on the weekends.

i ate the last of my turkey from thanksgiving dinner last sunday. i made a turkey sandwich on sprouted grain bread and made some yam fries and had a chipotle mayo dip on the side. oh, so goooooood. i even treated myself to a 100 calorie 7up and now, i'm stuuuuuuuffed. fricken, eh.

i need to start exercising again. i always said that once i took the excess weight/size off, i would start into the regular exercising again. i have not done so. not yet. but i will. soon.

i'm so full, i can't really see straight. things are starting to get a little swimmy.

ah, i do love food.

civic duty

it was voting day today. i decided to take advantage of the beautiful evening and walk to the voting station, which was about 1.5 kms (uphill!). i joked to myself, "maybe i'll bump into my hot neighbour!" yes, with the hundreds of other people there and a 12 hour window from when the voting stations opened to the 7pm closing time, of course i would bump into him. of course!

as i walked up to the table where i would get my ballot, who did i see dropping off their ballot into the box? my hot neighbour. we made eye contact, and then he quickly looked away and left.

i have hope!!!

mind over matter

well, the ENT said she couldn't find anything wrong with me either, but she's sending me for a CT scan to see if everything is kosher with the sinus cavities and such.

i am really beginning to believe that it is my brain that is instigating all of this. let's face it - the brain is a very powerful instrument. maybe it finally snapped and said, "that's it - i'm tired of you waffling on losing the weight when you so obviously need to. i'm tweaking the taste buds until you can do it on your own." judging by the potato chips and chocolate i forced down for a mid-afternoon snack, i'm not getting it yet.

i think i'm going to pop down to IGA and see if they have any salad. it's at least a couple of hours until thanksgiving dinner and i've only had four pieces of toast and two eggs (and the aforementioned chips and chocolate) to eat today. i'm starving!!!

sentimental reasons

my sentimentality often keeps me from growing and advancing, both personally and professionally. i've known that for a long time, but it's never occurred to me how much it's affected me until now.

i've been looking at job postings again, but this time it's not because i'm unhappy or frustrated. i'm wondering what else is out there and what i could be doing instead of what i'm doing now. it's not that i think i've done it all in my current job - but i can see the future and it's a lot more of the same.

what's the problem? i like my lawyers. i like the setup we have, for the most part. i like the size of the firm and that everyone knows everyone else's name. they pay me well enough for the job i do. it's a great bunch of people to work with.

but i have that itch - what's yonder, over the rainbow? and you know me, i don't move backwards, so once i leave, i'm gone for good.

aaaaahhh!

snarly

i was feeling particularly snarly today. everything annoyed me. everyone bothered me. i hated every task i had to do today. i hated everyone i had to deal with today. then, Sam emailed me and asked me if i wanted to go for a walk so i said sure. i shared how i was feeling and she immediately said, "where are you in your cycle?" DING! i'm PMS'ing.

i should really start keeping a mood journal again, but it does make me wonder: when do you give up on what you have? i love my job but some of the people i have to deal with PISS ME OFF!!!!!

granted, one person is getting booted to a new job on monday and partly because of my whining. and let's face it, if A is still employed with us next year at this time, i'll be shocked. so once she's canned, my work life is back to good. maybe i shouldn't mess with it.

maybe i shouldn't.

headache

when i have a hunger-induced migraine, it invariably comes hand-in-hand with a bloated tummy and a constant hunger pang, even when i've eaten more than i could possibly imagine.

and yet, at least once every couple of months, i do this to myself. i suffer the whole day with a headache, with which the pain level varies, and at the end of the day decide that i must never do this again.

but i always do. and i think i learn from my mistakes!