i miss my iPod. i have to endure over-hearing some of the most inane conversations on the skytrain. yesterday, i was on my way home and marking final exams. this group of hoodlums got on the train about two stops after i did and immediately continued their overly-loud, attention-getting conversation that had obviously started prior to boarding the train. i tried very hard to ignore it. but once i was finished my marking and then finished my crossword, i had no choice but to tune in and out of it. the gist? they were on their way to surrey to hang out in a park and get high. the loudest guy said, "i'm so excited!" this girl beside him said, "why? you aren't even high yet." and he said, "yeah, but we're going to be!"
really? Really. i seriously lost five IQ points just allowing myself to take that one exchange in.
my shoulders are killing me. i am going to buy some sort of posture-support brace because i just can't hold my shoulders back and sit straight like i should. i've maxed out on massage and physio visits covered under my extended for this year so i'm biding my time until january. maybe i should check out acupuncture as it is covered separately under medical.
my dad informed me that he's not buying us Christmas gifts this year. he's not expecting them either, but he ain't buying them for us for sure. i suppose i shouldn't expect a gift but that just means one less thing to open on Christmas day. i suppose he'll make us a nice Christmas dinner which will be nice (or will we end up at sharon's?) but i suppose the magic of Christmas that only kids really fully enjoy is now lost to me too.
i'm feeling particularly anti-social these days. i have a date with one of the guys i met at the mixer last month and i really don't want to go. i'm of two minds about the whole thing: 1) i should go out with him because i don't really know him and who knows? he might be a good friend; or 2) if the tables were turned, i wouldn't want to be going out with someone if i was really looking forward to seeing them but they were feeling either lukewarm or downright cold about seeing me, but were forcing themselves to see me because "who knows". i encourage Doc Tardy to explore her options, yet i am not that willing to explore mine. i don't find this guy particularly interesting but... who knows?
i know. maybe that's a bad attitude. i'm going to bed. i had a bad sleep last night and was a bear this morning.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
greener
i don't know why i'm always looking, regardless of what it is. i'm always looking for a better pair of pants or a better face cream or a better looking guy to crush on. i always seem to be looking for a better job that pays better money and where the people respect your work and treat you as an equal.
i always want to learn something new instead of improving, and perfecting, what i already know. i'm always looking at going back to school and always looking at what different courses i can take, or how far i can go with another degree.
it's like i'm never 100% happy with what i have, even though what i have is generally pretty good. my work, while it can get very boring, can be pretty interesting when things heat up. for the most part, the people i work with respect me and my opinion and treat me pretty well. i have a pretty good education and earn a pretty good living (knock on wood).
i wrote to Nige the other day in answer to his question about whether i thought i wanted to find someone special to spend the rest of my life with and whether i thought i would. in my answer, i said to him, "i am most unhappy with my life when i compare what i have and what i have done with other people." it's true - if you compare yourself with what your friends have, you're bound to find someone who is much better off than you. you're also bound to find someone who is not as well off as you.
i think if i could stay on track and just focus on what i have and how i can make myself better, i would obsess less about keeping up with the rest of the world, even though i don't think that's what i'm doing. but i am. and it's driving me crazy.
maybe now that i now practice (for the most part) "No More Drama", it is no longer required as my mantra and i can use something else. How about:
Focus.......
i always want to learn something new instead of improving, and perfecting, what i already know. i'm always looking at going back to school and always looking at what different courses i can take, or how far i can go with another degree.
it's like i'm never 100% happy with what i have, even though what i have is generally pretty good. my work, while it can get very boring, can be pretty interesting when things heat up. for the most part, the people i work with respect me and my opinion and treat me pretty well. i have a pretty good education and earn a pretty good living (knock on wood).
i wrote to Nige the other day in answer to his question about whether i thought i wanted to find someone special to spend the rest of my life with and whether i thought i would. in my answer, i said to him, "i am most unhappy with my life when i compare what i have and what i have done with other people." it's true - if you compare yourself with what your friends have, you're bound to find someone who is much better off than you. you're also bound to find someone who is not as well off as you.
i think if i could stay on track and just focus on what i have and how i can make myself better, i would obsess less about keeping up with the rest of the world, even though i don't think that's what i'm doing. but i am. and it's driving me crazy.
maybe now that i now practice (for the most part) "No More Drama", it is no longer required as my mantra and i can use something else. How about:
Focus.......
Sunday, November 09, 2008
draft of something
i've been skulking on a speed-dating website for some time now. i routinely receive their newsletters and i'll log on every now and then to look at the pictures of all the pretty singles having fun and meeting people. every once in awhile, it sparks something in me. nothing big enough to light the proverbial fire under my tush that would cause me to sign up for one of the events, but it sparks something nonetheless.
the other day, i opened my e-mail to find another newsletter from them. i wasn't in the mood to read up on what other people were getting up to, but i read it over quickly and found that it wasn't just any event notice - it was a FREE event notice.
not being someone who can resist anything free, much less something that i'm curious about, i clicked on the link and found that their speed dating event, taking place the very next night, had two spots available for women and those spots would be free to whomever responded first. i quickly e-mailed them and reserved the two spots for my girlfriend and i. she wasn't able to join me, but i decided i was going to go anyway.
the event was scheduled to start at 7:30 p.m. i arrived at about 7:20 p.m. and as i walked up to the door of the cafe it was being held at, i noticed that there was no one else there. i opened the doors, and there were two other women standing there. i smiled and said hello and commented about the lack of people at such a late hour. we ended up sitting together while waiting for the rest of the event-goers to show up.
as we sat and chatted (it was their first time speed-dating as well), men started to show up. lots and lots of men. they joined us at our table and we all started talking. it felt "against the rules" to be chatting up people you'd be soon learning about in the process anyway, but i thought i could warm up my "A" game before anything really started.
the concept is simple: in our case, there were two rows of eight tables. on the inside of the rows sat the women and the men rotated from table to table on the outside. we were all given cards with a list of the opposite sex's names - if I liked someone, i'd put a checkmark next to their name. if he liked me in return, he would check my name. we had five minutes per person to chat. let the games begin.
the first guy that sat with me worked in computers. when he talked, he wouldn't look directly at me but rather, would gaze just past me. if i was talking, he'd try to make eye contact. but the minute he started saying something, he would look off into the distance. no checkmark there.
the next guy was really nice - he loved the beach and hot weather and did jive dancing as a hobby. and he worked with computers.
a couple of guys later, i re-met one of the men that sat down with me and the other two girls at the beginning of the night. because we had already met, he started off by taking my hand, putting three different coins into my palm and asking me what he deemed a "skill-testing question" to see if i was more than just a pretty face. i passed. i had heard the riddle before (many times, the first time being on an episode of "The Brady Bunch"), so I ended up impressing him with my brain as well. it bothered me, slightly, that all he talked about was where he was going to take me for our first date. presumption is not exactly attractive in those kinds of situations.
another guy immediately launched into how embarrassed he was to be there and how he would never own up to having attended speed dating if asked. then he started talking about how his last relationship had just ended a couple of months prior. note to the brokenhearted out there: don't go to speed dating for therapy. five minutes is not enough time.
there was one guy who sat down and i immediately felt the chemistry as i gazed across the table at him. he didn't have much to say, but he said enough with his eyes. i made a mental note to check off his name when the time came. it did not bother me that he worked with computers.
the guy after that one was pleasant enough, but when the gong sounded, he immediately opened his card in front of me, made a very obvious motion of checking off my name, and then smiled and moved on to the next table. i was stymied. but i didn't do the same for him. the fact that he worked with computers probably didn't help.
and finally, the guy i had been eyeing since he had sat down beside me at the beginning of the night was sitting in front of me. he was a mixture of cute but geeky and smart but a bit shy. his family background was similar to mine (in that he actually spent a lot of time with his family) and he seemed like he was geniunely interested in what i had to say. he started off his career as an engineer (he's smart!) but was now teaching math and science at a high school (he cares!). his background was chinese and italian (he speaks fluent italian but doesn't look like he should!) did i mention he did not work with computers?
when the final gong rang and we all had a chance to review the list of names, i played it cautious and only checked off two names: the guy with the chemistry and the guy with a future.
i left the event feeling very positive and light-hearted. it was a lot of fun; more fun than i've ever had on my own with a room full of strangers.
i tried not to check my e-mail constantly for the next two days but i must say that when i received the matches e-mail two days later, i was excited. however, i had only matched with Mr. Chemistry. i guess Mr. Future did not feel the same about me as i did about him!
for a minute after realizing Mr. Future had not selected me, i felt a bit like one of the women at the rose ceremony on "The Bachelor". i thought we really had a connection. i thought we would've been great together. i thought i saw a future with him. but not to be. sob, sob, sob. ahem.
Mr. Chemistry contacted me immediately. we set up a coffee date for that weekend.
we met up and it was awkward. we chatted for awhile and it was awkward. i decided pretty early on in the meeting that this guy was not it. about an hour after we met up, i delivered my usual, date-ending line, "so, what are your plans for the rest of today?" and he shifted uncomfortably, smiled sheepishly and said, "well...uh...i'm going to meet another one of the girls i met at speed dating the other night." i tried not to laugh or show any reaction on my face. i merely said, "that's great!" when he walked me to the train and we parted ways, i wished him a good evening and good luck with the other girl.
back to the drawing board!
the other day, i opened my e-mail to find another newsletter from them. i wasn't in the mood to read up on what other people were getting up to, but i read it over quickly and found that it wasn't just any event notice - it was a FREE event notice.
not being someone who can resist anything free, much less something that i'm curious about, i clicked on the link and found that their speed dating event, taking place the very next night, had two spots available for women and those spots would be free to whomever responded first. i quickly e-mailed them and reserved the two spots for my girlfriend and i. she wasn't able to join me, but i decided i was going to go anyway.
the event was scheduled to start at 7:30 p.m. i arrived at about 7:20 p.m. and as i walked up to the door of the cafe it was being held at, i noticed that there was no one else there. i opened the doors, and there were two other women standing there. i smiled and said hello and commented about the lack of people at such a late hour. we ended up sitting together while waiting for the rest of the event-goers to show up.
as we sat and chatted (it was their first time speed-dating as well), men started to show up. lots and lots of men. they joined us at our table and we all started talking. it felt "against the rules" to be chatting up people you'd be soon learning about in the process anyway, but i thought i could warm up my "A" game before anything really started.
the concept is simple: in our case, there were two rows of eight tables. on the inside of the rows sat the women and the men rotated from table to table on the outside. we were all given cards with a list of the opposite sex's names - if I liked someone, i'd put a checkmark next to their name. if he liked me in return, he would check my name. we had five minutes per person to chat. let the games begin.
the first guy that sat with me worked in computers. when he talked, he wouldn't look directly at me but rather, would gaze just past me. if i was talking, he'd try to make eye contact. but the minute he started saying something, he would look off into the distance. no checkmark there.
the next guy was really nice - he loved the beach and hot weather and did jive dancing as a hobby. and he worked with computers.
a couple of guys later, i re-met one of the men that sat down with me and the other two girls at the beginning of the night. because we had already met, he started off by taking my hand, putting three different coins into my palm and asking me what he deemed a "skill-testing question" to see if i was more than just a pretty face. i passed. i had heard the riddle before (many times, the first time being on an episode of "The Brady Bunch"), so I ended up impressing him with my brain as well. it bothered me, slightly, that all he talked about was where he was going to take me for our first date. presumption is not exactly attractive in those kinds of situations.
another guy immediately launched into how embarrassed he was to be there and how he would never own up to having attended speed dating if asked. then he started talking about how his last relationship had just ended a couple of months prior. note to the brokenhearted out there: don't go to speed dating for therapy. five minutes is not enough time.
there was one guy who sat down and i immediately felt the chemistry as i gazed across the table at him. he didn't have much to say, but he said enough with his eyes. i made a mental note to check off his name when the time came. it did not bother me that he worked with computers.
the guy after that one was pleasant enough, but when the gong sounded, he immediately opened his card in front of me, made a very obvious motion of checking off my name, and then smiled and moved on to the next table. i was stymied. but i didn't do the same for him. the fact that he worked with computers probably didn't help.
and finally, the guy i had been eyeing since he had sat down beside me at the beginning of the night was sitting in front of me. he was a mixture of cute but geeky and smart but a bit shy. his family background was similar to mine (in that he actually spent a lot of time with his family) and he seemed like he was geniunely interested in what i had to say. he started off his career as an engineer (he's smart!) but was now teaching math and science at a high school (he cares!). his background was chinese and italian (he speaks fluent italian but doesn't look like he should!) did i mention he did not work with computers?
when the final gong rang and we all had a chance to review the list of names, i played it cautious and only checked off two names: the guy with the chemistry and the guy with a future.
i left the event feeling very positive and light-hearted. it was a lot of fun; more fun than i've ever had on my own with a room full of strangers.
i tried not to check my e-mail constantly for the next two days but i must say that when i received the matches e-mail two days later, i was excited. however, i had only matched with Mr. Chemistry. i guess Mr. Future did not feel the same about me as i did about him!
for a minute after realizing Mr. Future had not selected me, i felt a bit like one of the women at the rose ceremony on "The Bachelor". i thought we really had a connection. i thought we would've been great together. i thought i saw a future with him. but not to be. sob, sob, sob. ahem.
Mr. Chemistry contacted me immediately. we set up a coffee date for that weekend.
we met up and it was awkward. we chatted for awhile and it was awkward. i decided pretty early on in the meeting that this guy was not it. about an hour after we met up, i delivered my usual, date-ending line, "so, what are your plans for the rest of today?" and he shifted uncomfortably, smiled sheepishly and said, "well...uh...i'm going to meet another one of the girls i met at speed dating the other night." i tried not to laugh or show any reaction on my face. i merely said, "that's great!" when he walked me to the train and we parted ways, i wished him a good evening and good luck with the other girl.
back to the drawing board!
Monday, November 03, 2008
pattern
i was snarly today. i hated everything and every one. everything was stupid. everyone was a moron. at about 10 am, i said to myself, "Self, what is wrong with you??" and then i realized - i'm PMSing.
i forgot about my mood journal about mid-way through October so i will have to start again so i can see the pattern. but i think this pattern, the snarly-i-hate-everything pattern is firmly established. i feel ridiculous being so grumpy and miserable, but it's very hard to control. i figure i'm doing well because i'm not snapping at people or getting angry for no reason - all i do i stay quiet and stew in my own thoughts but apparently, that makes people edgy too. what, am i supposed be Little Miss Sunshine all the freaking time??? would they rather me ignore them or get angry at every stupid thing that makes me GRRR? i think i'd rather be ignored for the day and then be treated normally the next day, wouldn't you?
i wonder if the Rx needs to be changed up again. although, i'm not crying at random things so that's a plus. snarly-me is just really hard to deal with, even just for myself.
GRRRRRR. Rowr.
i forgot about my mood journal about mid-way through October so i will have to start again so i can see the pattern. but i think this pattern, the snarly-i-hate-everything pattern is firmly established. i feel ridiculous being so grumpy and miserable, but it's very hard to control. i figure i'm doing well because i'm not snapping at people or getting angry for no reason - all i do i stay quiet and stew in my own thoughts but apparently, that makes people edgy too. what, am i supposed be Little Miss Sunshine all the freaking time??? would they rather me ignore them or get angry at every stupid thing that makes me GRRR? i think i'd rather be ignored for the day and then be treated normally the next day, wouldn't you?
i wonder if the Rx needs to be changed up again. although, i'm not crying at random things so that's a plus. snarly-me is just really hard to deal with, even just for myself.
GRRRRRR. Rowr.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
busy much?
i've been to three singles events in four days. i'm tired.
but i did get inspired to write about them. i wish i had approached saturday's event as research rather than social, because i think i could've gotten a good story out of it. actually, friday's cooking event would have been better as a story. maybe i can salvage something.
i met a seer at saturday's event. he made a generalization of me based on my birthdate and he was pretty accurate. he said he gives readings but he doesn't charge because it's a gift. it sounds like he's the real deal. he's also a career coach, which i think is funny, and yet somehow apt. he told me i should be working in sales or client relations because he felt i really enjoyed the meeting people aspect of work. i don't know about sales, but i would like to work in a job where i managed files and clients. maybe he's on to something.
i also met a guy named Moe. i don't know.
but i did get inspired to write about them. i wish i had approached saturday's event as research rather than social, because i think i could've gotten a good story out of it. actually, friday's cooking event would have been better as a story. maybe i can salvage something.
i met a seer at saturday's event. he made a generalization of me based on my birthdate and he was pretty accurate. he said he gives readings but he doesn't charge because it's a gift. it sounds like he's the real deal. he's also a career coach, which i think is funny, and yet somehow apt. he told me i should be working in sales or client relations because he felt i really enjoyed the meeting people aspect of work. i don't know about sales, but i would like to work in a job where i managed files and clients. maybe he's on to something.
i also met a guy named Moe. i don't know.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
mangia!
now that i'm down to an acceptable size, clothing-wise, i find myself eating huge meals, even though they don't really taste the way they should. i don't eat often, but when i do, i go big. well, just on the weekends.
i ate the last of my turkey from thanksgiving dinner last sunday. i made a turkey sandwich on sprouted grain bread and made some yam fries and had a chipotle mayo dip on the side. oh, so goooooood. i even treated myself to a 100 calorie 7up and now, i'm stuuuuuuuffed. fricken, eh.
i need to start exercising again. i always said that once i took the excess weight/size off, i would start into the regular exercising again. i have not done so. not yet. but i will. soon.
i'm so full, i can't really see straight. things are starting to get a little swimmy.
ah, i do love food.
i ate the last of my turkey from thanksgiving dinner last sunday. i made a turkey sandwich on sprouted grain bread and made some yam fries and had a chipotle mayo dip on the side. oh, so goooooood. i even treated myself to a 100 calorie 7up and now, i'm stuuuuuuuffed. fricken, eh.
i need to start exercising again. i always said that once i took the excess weight/size off, i would start into the regular exercising again. i have not done so. not yet. but i will. soon.
i'm so full, i can't really see straight. things are starting to get a little swimmy.
ah, i do love food.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
civic duty
it was voting day today. i decided to take advantage of the beautiful evening and walk to the voting station, which was about 1.5 kms (uphill!). i joked to myself, "maybe i'll bump into my hot neighbour!" yes, with the hundreds of other people there and a 12 hour window from when the voting stations opened to the 7pm closing time, of course i would bump into him. of course!
as i walked up to the table where i would get my ballot, who did i see dropping off their ballot into the box? my hot neighbour. we made eye contact, and then he quickly looked away and left.
i have hope!!!
as i walked up to the table where i would get my ballot, who did i see dropping off their ballot into the box? my hot neighbour. we made eye contact, and then he quickly looked away and left.
i have hope!!!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
mind over matter
well, the ENT said she couldn't find anything wrong with me either, but she's sending me for a CT scan to see if everything is kosher with the sinus cavities and such.
i am really beginning to believe that it is my brain that is instigating all of this. let's face it - the brain is a very powerful instrument. maybe it finally snapped and said, "that's it - i'm tired of you waffling on losing the weight when you so obviously need to. i'm tweaking the taste buds until you can do it on your own." judging by the potato chips and chocolate i forced down for a mid-afternoon snack, i'm not getting it yet.
i think i'm going to pop down to IGA and see if they have any salad. it's at least a couple of hours until thanksgiving dinner and i've only had four pieces of toast and two eggs (and the aforementioned chips and chocolate) to eat today. i'm starving!!!
i am really beginning to believe that it is my brain that is instigating all of this. let's face it - the brain is a very powerful instrument. maybe it finally snapped and said, "that's it - i'm tired of you waffling on losing the weight when you so obviously need to. i'm tweaking the taste buds until you can do it on your own." judging by the potato chips and chocolate i forced down for a mid-afternoon snack, i'm not getting it yet.
i think i'm going to pop down to IGA and see if they have any salad. it's at least a couple of hours until thanksgiving dinner and i've only had four pieces of toast and two eggs (and the aforementioned chips and chocolate) to eat today. i'm starving!!!
Sunday, October 05, 2008
sentimental reasons
my sentimentality often keeps me from growing and advancing, both personally and professionally. i've known that for a long time, but it's never occurred to me how much it's affected me until now.
i've been looking at job postings again, but this time it's not because i'm unhappy or frustrated. i'm wondering what else is out there and what i could be doing instead of what i'm doing now. it's not that i think i've done it all in my current job - but i can see the future and it's a lot more of the same.
what's the problem? i like my lawyers. i like the setup we have, for the most part. i like the size of the firm and that everyone knows everyone else's name. they pay me well enough for the job i do. it's a great bunch of people to work with.
but i have that itch - what's yonder, over the rainbow? and you know me, i don't move backwards, so once i leave, i'm gone for good.
aaaaahhh!
i've been looking at job postings again, but this time it's not because i'm unhappy or frustrated. i'm wondering what else is out there and what i could be doing instead of what i'm doing now. it's not that i think i've done it all in my current job - but i can see the future and it's a lot more of the same.
what's the problem? i like my lawyers. i like the setup we have, for the most part. i like the size of the firm and that everyone knows everyone else's name. they pay me well enough for the job i do. it's a great bunch of people to work with.
but i have that itch - what's yonder, over the rainbow? and you know me, i don't move backwards, so once i leave, i'm gone for good.
aaaaahhh!
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
snarly
i was feeling particularly snarly today. everything annoyed me. everyone bothered me. i hated every task i had to do today. i hated everyone i had to deal with today. then, Sam emailed me and asked me if i wanted to go for a walk so i said sure. i shared how i was feeling and she immediately said, "where are you in your cycle?" DING! i'm PMS'ing.
i should really start keeping a mood journal again, but it does make me wonder: when do you give up on what you have? i love my job but some of the people i have to deal with PISS ME OFF!!!!!
granted, one person is getting booted to a new job on monday and partly because of my whining. and let's face it, if A is still employed with us next year at this time, i'll be shocked. so once she's canned, my work life is back to good. maybe i shouldn't mess with it.
maybe i shouldn't.
i should really start keeping a mood journal again, but it does make me wonder: when do you give up on what you have? i love my job but some of the people i have to deal with PISS ME OFF!!!!!
granted, one person is getting booted to a new job on monday and partly because of my whining. and let's face it, if A is still employed with us next year at this time, i'll be shocked. so once she's canned, my work life is back to good. maybe i shouldn't mess with it.
maybe i shouldn't.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
headache
when i have a hunger-induced migraine, it invariably comes hand-in-hand with a bloated tummy and a constant hunger pang, even when i've eaten more than i could possibly imagine.
and yet, at least once every couple of months, i do this to myself. i suffer the whole day with a headache, with which the pain level varies, and at the end of the day decide that i must never do this again.
but i always do. and i think i learn from my mistakes!
and yet, at least once every couple of months, i do this to myself. i suffer the whole day with a headache, with which the pain level varies, and at the end of the day decide that i must never do this again.
but i always do. and i think i learn from my mistakes!
Monday, September 15, 2008
channelling
you know how i said i needed a distraction? i found one.
i just read in a newspaper today that my future-boyfriend, Dwayne "No Longer the Rock" Johnson is now in town to shoot a movie and he was seen working out at the Steve Nash gym just the other day, not five blocks from my work.
i think it's time to put on a pretty dress and stalk....i mean, try to meet him. see, he's getting ready to meet me in this picture. yes, okay, that was stupid.
but i have purpose again!
(well, i do have purpose and that purpose's class starts in two weeks! aaaarrgh!)
i just read in a newspaper today that my future-boyfriend, Dwayne "No Longer the Rock" Johnson is now in town to shoot a movie and he was seen working out at the Steve Nash gym just the other day, not five blocks from my work.
i think it's time to put on a pretty dress and stalk....i mean, try to meet him. see, he's getting ready to meet me in this picture. yes, okay, that was stupid.
but i have purpose again!
(well, i do have purpose and that purpose's class starts in two weeks! aaaarrgh!)
Sunday, September 14, 2008
next!
the neurologist was just as puzzled as everyone else. he offered an MRI but also said, "i'd be deeply surprised if we found anything" (read: let's not waste the money on something we know isn't there). he is going to refer me to an ears, nose and throat specialist. that actually makes more sense. keep you posted
on a redundant note, i think i am a compulsive shopper (don't snort at me). i mean, not in the "Confessions of a Shopaholic" sense, but i do have an addiction. i bought decorations for Hallowe'en and fall yesterday at Michael's and at HomeSense. I'm returning half of it this week. I was on the shopaholics anonymous website, and found this helpful checklist. it doesn't have a description, but i think i am a "bulimic shopaholic". i love to buy stuff and then return it because just the sheer act of buying it makes me feel good. actually owning the thing is of no great importance in 95% of my purchases, but buying it is a must.
i like to think that mentally, i'm quite healthy, but it's quite obvious i'm not. the fact that i have a need and desire to obsess about something...anything, really... cannot be considered healthy. so, if i focus my energy on something other than shopping, then the credit card bill will lessen. but everything else i like to obsess about (men, mainly) leads me to unhappiness and self-doubt. shopping at least makes me feel good. that addiction feeds me and clothes me and makes me smell good (i think). but obsessing about men or my weight/health or career/education has never led me to happy places. i end up feeling very unsatisfied about love or physical being or education. i think all of that has sunk me into deeper depressions than shopping too much ever did. the money aspect does sneak its way in, true, but it's never about what i buy or whether i need it vs. want it. it's always about control.
perhaps that's why i like to control other aspects of my life. what happens at work, for example. complaining about my co-workers and their poor work ethic is one thing but if it's solely because i am trying to control them, that's another thing entirely. i don't want that. i don't want to control them or be the boss of them. but i do like things to run smoothly. so maybe that's it. or maybe it's not.
my rhetorical question, therefore, is what?
on a redundant note, i think i am a compulsive shopper (don't snort at me). i mean, not in the "Confessions of a Shopaholic" sense, but i do have an addiction. i bought decorations for Hallowe'en and fall yesterday at Michael's and at HomeSense. I'm returning half of it this week. I was on the shopaholics anonymous website, and found this helpful checklist. it doesn't have a description, but i think i am a "bulimic shopaholic". i love to buy stuff and then return it because just the sheer act of buying it makes me feel good. actually owning the thing is of no great importance in 95% of my purchases, but buying it is a must.
i like to think that mentally, i'm quite healthy, but it's quite obvious i'm not. the fact that i have a need and desire to obsess about something...anything, really... cannot be considered healthy. so, if i focus my energy on something other than shopping, then the credit card bill will lessen. but everything else i like to obsess about (men, mainly) leads me to unhappiness and self-doubt. shopping at least makes me feel good. that addiction feeds me and clothes me and makes me smell good (i think). but obsessing about men or my weight/health or career/education has never led me to happy places. i end up feeling very unsatisfied about love or physical being or education. i think all of that has sunk me into deeper depressions than shopping too much ever did. the money aspect does sneak its way in, true, but it's never about what i buy or whether i need it vs. want it. it's always about control.
perhaps that's why i like to control other aspects of my life. what happens at work, for example. complaining about my co-workers and their poor work ethic is one thing but if it's solely because i am trying to control them, that's another thing entirely. i don't want that. i don't want to control them or be the boss of them. but i do like things to run smoothly. so maybe that's it. or maybe it's not.
my rhetorical question, therefore, is what?
Monday, September 08, 2008
harp on
i think she's an ego-maniac, but that Oprah sure attracts great people. i found this article on her website tonight, and i think i am selling myself short. her basic advice to the "stymied" woman was to just create. don't think about whether it's good or not. don't think about whether what you create is going to bring you success. as Nike so wisely advised, "just do it!"
the only problem now is - which thing to do? i have a couple of ideas in my head about what i want to do, but the problem is i don't know how to go about doing them, while at the same time paying my bills and living a decent life. ah, that's just my Clever Critic talking. but that Critic sure makes sense....
still can't taste properly. neurologist appointment on wednesday. he'll tell me it's not neurological. and then, i will accept my fate, without any further medical intervention. holistic is next :)
my iPod is dead. i mean, it might come back to life just like it did a couple of times before, but i think this time, it's on it's final leg. or earbud. or something. it's not working, that's for sure. will have to read on the skytrain from now until the budget allows for a new one to be purchased.
so, i signed up for a cooking class in October. specifically, the one called, "Cook! and the City". yes, it's a singles cooking class. i know, totally unlike me right? no, what's unlike me is spending $125.00 on a single-night activity. oy. but, it sounded like fun. three girlfriends have expressed their interest. i e-mailed them all and let them know i signed up for it. i bet you that none of them will end up signing up. it's typical - i suggest an activity and everyone is on board, except if we all have to get ourselves individually motivated to do it. then there's no way. and there was no way ... that i was putting their registration fees on my card. i love them, but i don't need an extra $375 on my MC, you know what i'm saying? (oh, but the airmiles).
oh, that martha beck - she knows what she's talking about. yes, she's affiliated with Harpo but if i could have her as my personal life coach, i would totally do it. she is so wise.
and once again, i've spent my evening NOT preparing my lessons for the 29th. oy.
the only problem now is - which thing to do? i have a couple of ideas in my head about what i want to do, but the problem is i don't know how to go about doing them, while at the same time paying my bills and living a decent life. ah, that's just my Clever Critic talking. but that Critic sure makes sense....
still can't taste properly. neurologist appointment on wednesday. he'll tell me it's not neurological. and then, i will accept my fate, without any further medical intervention. holistic is next :)
my iPod is dead. i mean, it might come back to life just like it did a couple of times before, but i think this time, it's on it's final leg. or earbud. or something. it's not working, that's for sure. will have to read on the skytrain from now until the budget allows for a new one to be purchased.
so, i signed up for a cooking class in October. specifically, the one called, "Cook! and the City". yes, it's a singles cooking class. i know, totally unlike me right? no, what's unlike me is spending $125.00 on a single-night activity. oy. but, it sounded like fun. three girlfriends have expressed their interest. i e-mailed them all and let them know i signed up for it. i bet you that none of them will end up signing up. it's typical - i suggest an activity and everyone is on board, except if we all have to get ourselves individually motivated to do it. then there's no way. and there was no way ... that i was putting their registration fees on my card. i love them, but i don't need an extra $375 on my MC, you know what i'm saying? (oh, but the airmiles).
oh, that martha beck - she knows what she's talking about. yes, she's affiliated with Harpo but if i could have her as my personal life coach, i would totally do it. she is so wise.
and once again, i've spent my evening NOT preparing my lessons for the 29th. oy.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
lazy
i'm supposed to be prepping for my classes. instead, i'm playing the Sims. i knew it was a bad idea to load it onto my computer!
a few more days until i'm in san fran. honestly, i just want to hang out, see a couple of sights, and relax. and maybe work on my "meeting people" skills. hard to do with two otherwise taken friends!
i had a gigantic bowl of fruit for dinner. i cut up some peaches, strawberries, and tossed in some raspberries and blueberries. it was so delish. but then i got hungry (it's mostly water, you know) so i had two slices of garlic bread. i've been practically living on garlic bread lately. and fruit. what a combo.
i believe it's going to rain tonight and for the next two days. too bad i have to go to work.
sing-a-long mamma mia is out on friday. i don't know how long it's being released for. if it's only for the week, then i'd better see it on friday. if not, maybe next week while i'm in SF. or, when i get back.
after seeing my doctor again today, i believe it is neither diabetes nor a neurological problem that is causing my taste issues. i have a feeling it's permanent. but as long as it's not Parkinson's or MS or Alzheimer's or any other neurodegenerative disease, then i think i'm okay with that.
i wonder if it has to do with my stainless steel water bottle. if so, the Mother is so going to hear from me!
the weirdest part is that sometimes, i can't tell if i'm hungry or not. i'll feel hungry, but then i see food and i'm not hungry anymore. maybe it's a Pavlovian response - i know the food isn't going to taste right so i'd rather no eat it. funny how that works.
i had a great idea for a new story and i started writing it. and now i've stalled again. oh, the challenges of being a writer.
i managed to stop myself from buying a book today. it was very tempting, and i was walking around the store with it in my hand, but once i neared the cashier, i turned around and put it back on the shelf. sometimes, i can guilt myself into being sensible. sometimes.
you know what's the worst part about not being able to taste things properly? yes, it's the not being able to taste things properly but it's also the frustration-aspect. for 32 years, i've eaten what i've eaten and it's always tasted the same. and then one day, i wake up and it's not the same. do you know how frustrating that is? my favorite hamburger at mcdonald's is no longer deliciously bad - it's just bad! i love spaghetti bolognese, which is a tomato-based sauce and now, it just tastes like something sweet that's been sitting in the sun for too long. ketchup - why bother? whole wheat bread doesn't taste like anything. and don't even talk to me about chocolate, cake and doughnuts because that will just make me cry.
it's like if one day, you woke up and the sky was yellow but everyone was telling you that it was still blue. after awhile, you give up trying to fight it and just accept your reality for what it is.
a few months ago, i decided my mantra would be "i want to be thin". apparently, i just had to be more specific on how i would get there! "be careful what you wish for" has never been more true for me than now.
a few more days until i'm in san fran. honestly, i just want to hang out, see a couple of sights, and relax. and maybe work on my "meeting people" skills. hard to do with two otherwise taken friends!
i had a gigantic bowl of fruit for dinner. i cut up some peaches, strawberries, and tossed in some raspberries and blueberries. it was so delish. but then i got hungry (it's mostly water, you know) so i had two slices of garlic bread. i've been practically living on garlic bread lately. and fruit. what a combo.
i believe it's going to rain tonight and for the next two days. too bad i have to go to work.
sing-a-long mamma mia is out on friday. i don't know how long it's being released for. if it's only for the week, then i'd better see it on friday. if not, maybe next week while i'm in SF. or, when i get back.
after seeing my doctor again today, i believe it is neither diabetes nor a neurological problem that is causing my taste issues. i have a feeling it's permanent. but as long as it's not Parkinson's or MS or Alzheimer's or any other neurodegenerative disease, then i think i'm okay with that.
i wonder if it has to do with my stainless steel water bottle. if so, the Mother is so going to hear from me!
the weirdest part is that sometimes, i can't tell if i'm hungry or not. i'll feel hungry, but then i see food and i'm not hungry anymore. maybe it's a Pavlovian response - i know the food isn't going to taste right so i'd rather no eat it. funny how that works.
i had a great idea for a new story and i started writing it. and now i've stalled again. oh, the challenges of being a writer.
i managed to stop myself from buying a book today. it was very tempting, and i was walking around the store with it in my hand, but once i neared the cashier, i turned around and put it back on the shelf. sometimes, i can guilt myself into being sensible. sometimes.
you know what's the worst part about not being able to taste things properly? yes, it's the not being able to taste things properly but it's also the frustration-aspect. for 32 years, i've eaten what i've eaten and it's always tasted the same. and then one day, i wake up and it's not the same. do you know how frustrating that is? my favorite hamburger at mcdonald's is no longer deliciously bad - it's just bad! i love spaghetti bolognese, which is a tomato-based sauce and now, it just tastes like something sweet that's been sitting in the sun for too long. ketchup - why bother? whole wheat bread doesn't taste like anything. and don't even talk to me about chocolate, cake and doughnuts because that will just make me cry.
it's like if one day, you woke up and the sky was yellow but everyone was telling you that it was still blue. after awhile, you give up trying to fight it and just accept your reality for what it is.
a few months ago, i decided my mantra would be "i want to be thin". apparently, i just had to be more specific on how i would get there! "be careful what you wish for" has never been more true for me than now.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
crave
i love to shop. i love to spend money. i get a thrill out of having new things. even if it's just a new pair of socks or a fresh tube of toothpaste, i want it. it's my addiction. it's controllable when i stay out of the mall and stay focused on other things. but i had to go see my eye doctor today and it was at metropolis. and there were back to school/end of summer sales everywhere. and i had 15 minutes to kill. and i almost bought this , in red. but i resisted. it was really hard because this style of handbag is one i've been wanting for a very long time. i rationlized that i did not need a new purse. i reminded myself that i'm trying to pay off my existing debt so i can find out what it's like to actually live on my salary (instead of just paying off debt and living off the bare minimum). but i modeled it in the mirror. and i smelled the leather. and it was so hard to walk away when it was the only red one left. soooooooooooooooo hard.
then i walked by ronsons and they were having a sandals sale. i found these, which I already have in red:
but then i walked by tristan and they had an additional 50% off on their summer staples. so i bought three shirts for $24. will i wear them? most definitely. did i need them? nope. but i did it anyway. and yet i know it wasn't right because when i walked out of the store, i didn't feel good. it didn't feel right.
i hate it when i do this to myself.
then i walked by ronsons and they were having a sandals sale. i found these, which I already have in red:
i love my red pair. i could run in them. in fact, had i know how much i had loved them, i would've bought them in other colors at the shoe sale. but i didn't. and then i found them at the mall today, at warehouse sale prices. but i resisted. it was hard.
but then i walked by tristan and they had an additional 50% off on their summer staples. so i bought three shirts for $24. will i wear them? most definitely. did i need them? nope. but i did it anyway. and yet i know it wasn't right because when i walked out of the store, i didn't feel good. it didn't feel right.
i hate it when i do this to myself.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
sticky
and not in a good way. it's been stinking hot and grossly humid the past couple of days. really only yesterday but that made it feel like it had been weeks and weeks. it did rain this morning (with an accompanying thundershower....[shiver]) but i could've danced in that rain. it made the air so refreshing. now, it's just humid again. but the sun's out.
the Ninja and i (with Mon in tow) went for drinks the other night after work. i should've known something was up because instead of just coming to my desk to invite me out (where Mon would've heard and invited herself), he sent me an e-mail. but, i don't like being one on one with him, just because of the uncomfortable silences filled (from my end anyway) with stuff i want to say and questions i want to ask but avenues i just don't want to go down on my own, you know? anyway, it turns out he wanted to bounce some ideas off me and tell me things that were going on in his life (in his own way, of course). i regretted dragging Mon into it because without her, i would've delved into more in-depth information. like, how are the kids handling the breakup and how is he doing? what is he doing with a 24-year old chippy? etc, etc. i wish he would just say, "hey, i have some ideas i want to run by you. do you want to get a drink after work?" how hard is that? hard, i know.
and on that note, and i am not quite sure how i'm going to do this, but i've decided to stop getting so invested in what happens in other people's lives. Mon is dating this new guy she met in Whistler (he's come down from Whistler to meet her for lunch, then hung around so he could take her to dinner too). he sends her texts and cute e-mails. i get a good feeling about him - this could be the guy for her! so i've been telling her she needs to get rid of her current live-in. nagging, more like it. i mean, really, if the tables were turned and it was her that was making all this effort, would she like to learn after a month that this fabulous guy she's been pursuing has a sort-of ex-girlfriend who is also his financially-convenient "roommate" who still shares his bed and for all intents and present-day purposes is his girlfriend? she'd flip out and have a melt-down. and yet, she doesn't see that this is what she's doing to him? i hope she tells him soon. and i hope his laid-back Aussie personality takes over when she tells him because it's not going to be pretty otherwise.
and then there's Doc Tardy. she has this (by her description) hot, young guy after her (in serious pursuit) and she's dismissing him before even spending any time with him because she thinks he's younger than her and therefore too young for her. i have told her numerous times to just give the guy a chance and she always says, "you're right, you're right" and then the next time i talk to her, she's talking about blowing off the next rescheduled coffee date because "he's too young." she claimed his text messages were so immature and that's why she thinks he's too young. yesterday, she read one of the exchanges to me and what did she think was immature? he wrote her after seeing her briefly one day and said, "you looked so beautiful when i saw you today." wow, so immature eh? tell him to start sending them to me - at least i'd appreciate it!
yes, okay, i get it - she's not used to getting those kinds of compliments, but do you think it's going to get any better as she gets older? if she keeps pushing these guys away that are chasing her , she'll just continue to chase guys who have no real interest in her. and then her frustrations will continue and she will continue to think that there are no men out there to date when really, she's rejected all of the ones that were viable candidates because they were too young...or too old...or weren't in the right job...or not Italian enough...or too Italian...or who worked too much...or didn't work enough....or was too silly....or too serious. the list goes on.
and then there's my cousin's girlfriend. we were all at a family gathering the other day, talking wedding plans for Kitch's wedding. and when we were all gushing over Kitch's engagement ring and then talking about centrepieces and wedding colors and venues... i don't know for sure, but i was definitely getting a "why isn't that me?' vibe from the look on MCG's face. i feel for her, i really do, and i hope it works out for them sooner rather than later, but how much more can you feel for someone who has voluntarily returned to the same the same situation she was in, with no improvements or advancements to my knowledge, not once but twice? she has set the precedent for how things will naturally work themselves out - she will always have to give in, with no compromise. it's heartbreaking.
but i'm tired of beating my head against the wall for people that don't care to better their situation. more than tired. it's not my life. i have no stake in the outcome of the situation. if a person chooses to live their life in a way that is not in line with my own beliefs, who am i to say they're wrong? live and let live, right? i'll do my best. and i'll be there if and/or when they fall. but i will try not to say, "i told you so!"
i don't know if i mentioned it before, but i talked to Mike (the one from Creston, not the crazy one) on the phone last monday. we didn't get a chance to talk much over the long weekend. i managed to position myself in a spot where i could be alone but visible and he took the bait and sat with me. we managed to chat for a couple of minutes before someone came up and sat with us. the whole weekend was a wash as far as he was concerned but i figured i would take Nike's advice (and the advice Zen master, Seung Sahn) and just do it. i wrote him a message on FB that just said it was nice to see him over the long weekend and that it was a shame we didn't get to chat more. i acknowledged that it was hard for us to talk with all of the other people present and then invited him to call me if he felt like chatting or if he was in town. within two days, he phoned. and not once, but three times because the first two times, i wasn't home. we talked for about an hour and a half and it wasn't me that did all the talking!
i realize that whatever it is with Mike will probably not come to anything. i mean it could and i'd definitely be in to trying for something but i don't know how it would end up in the long run. i could go and visit him (and i was kind of getting that vibe from him but then, i could be and probably am totally off) and he could come and visit me and we could have a LDR. apparently that's how most of his relationships have gone. but i wouldn't move to Creston. and he doesn't want to move from there. there is less for me there, work and family/friend wise, than if he were to live here, but he's just not the big city type. there are 10,000 people in Creston and even then, he lives on the outskirts of town. i don't know. i won't count my chickens before the cart goes before the horse, but i think all this will end up being is an annual distraction. but he is cute. :)
noon. i really hope my boss doesn't call me to come in now.
the Ninja and i (with Mon in tow) went for drinks the other night after work. i should've known something was up because instead of just coming to my desk to invite me out (where Mon would've heard and invited herself), he sent me an e-mail. but, i don't like being one on one with him, just because of the uncomfortable silences filled (from my end anyway) with stuff i want to say and questions i want to ask but avenues i just don't want to go down on my own, you know? anyway, it turns out he wanted to bounce some ideas off me and tell me things that were going on in his life (in his own way, of course). i regretted dragging Mon into it because without her, i would've delved into more in-depth information. like, how are the kids handling the breakup and how is he doing? what is he doing with a 24-year old chippy? etc, etc. i wish he would just say, "hey, i have some ideas i want to run by you. do you want to get a drink after work?" how hard is that? hard, i know.
and on that note, and i am not quite sure how i'm going to do this, but i've decided to stop getting so invested in what happens in other people's lives. Mon is dating this new guy she met in Whistler (he's come down from Whistler to meet her for lunch, then hung around so he could take her to dinner too). he sends her texts and cute e-mails. i get a good feeling about him - this could be the guy for her! so i've been telling her she needs to get rid of her current live-in. nagging, more like it. i mean, really, if the tables were turned and it was her that was making all this effort, would she like to learn after a month that this fabulous guy she's been pursuing has a sort-of ex-girlfriend who is also his financially-convenient "roommate" who still shares his bed and for all intents and present-day purposes is his girlfriend? she'd flip out and have a melt-down. and yet, she doesn't see that this is what she's doing to him? i hope she tells him soon. and i hope his laid-back Aussie personality takes over when she tells him because it's not going to be pretty otherwise.
and then there's Doc Tardy. she has this (by her description) hot, young guy after her (in serious pursuit) and she's dismissing him before even spending any time with him because she thinks he's younger than her and therefore too young for her. i have told her numerous times to just give the guy a chance and she always says, "you're right, you're right" and then the next time i talk to her, she's talking about blowing off the next rescheduled coffee date because "he's too young." she claimed his text messages were so immature and that's why she thinks he's too young. yesterday, she read one of the exchanges to me and what did she think was immature? he wrote her after seeing her briefly one day and said, "you looked so beautiful when i saw you today." wow, so immature eh? tell him to start sending them to me - at least i'd appreciate it!
yes, okay, i get it - she's not used to getting those kinds of compliments, but do you think it's going to get any better as she gets older? if she keeps pushing these guys away that are chasing her , she'll just continue to chase guys who have no real interest in her. and then her frustrations will continue and she will continue to think that there are no men out there to date when really, she's rejected all of the ones that were viable candidates because they were too young...or too old...or weren't in the right job...or not Italian enough...or too Italian...or who worked too much...or didn't work enough....or was too silly....or too serious. the list goes on.
and then there's my cousin's girlfriend. we were all at a family gathering the other day, talking wedding plans for Kitch's wedding. and when we were all gushing over Kitch's engagement ring and then talking about centrepieces and wedding colors and venues... i don't know for sure, but i was definitely getting a "why isn't that me?' vibe from the look on MCG's face. i feel for her, i really do, and i hope it works out for them sooner rather than later, but how much more can you feel for someone who has voluntarily returned to the same the same situation she was in, with no improvements or advancements to my knowledge, not once but twice? she has set the precedent for how things will naturally work themselves out - she will always have to give in, with no compromise. it's heartbreaking.
but i'm tired of beating my head against the wall for people that don't care to better their situation. more than tired. it's not my life. i have no stake in the outcome of the situation. if a person chooses to live their life in a way that is not in line with my own beliefs, who am i to say they're wrong? live and let live, right? i'll do my best. and i'll be there if and/or when they fall. but i will try not to say, "i told you so!"
i don't know if i mentioned it before, but i talked to Mike (the one from Creston, not the crazy one) on the phone last monday. we didn't get a chance to talk much over the long weekend. i managed to position myself in a spot where i could be alone but visible and he took the bait and sat with me. we managed to chat for a couple of minutes before someone came up and sat with us. the whole weekend was a wash as far as he was concerned but i figured i would take Nike's advice (and the advice Zen master, Seung Sahn) and just do it. i wrote him a message on FB that just said it was nice to see him over the long weekend and that it was a shame we didn't get to chat more. i acknowledged that it was hard for us to talk with all of the other people present and then invited him to call me if he felt like chatting or if he was in town. within two days, he phoned. and not once, but three times because the first two times, i wasn't home. we talked for about an hour and a half and it wasn't me that did all the talking!
i realize that whatever it is with Mike will probably not come to anything. i mean it could and i'd definitely be in to trying for something but i don't know how it would end up in the long run. i could go and visit him (and i was kind of getting that vibe from him but then, i could be and probably am totally off) and he could come and visit me and we could have a LDR. apparently that's how most of his relationships have gone. but i wouldn't move to Creston. and he doesn't want to move from there. there is less for me there, work and family/friend wise, than if he were to live here, but he's just not the big city type. there are 10,000 people in Creston and even then, he lives on the outskirts of town. i don't know. i won't count my chickens before the cart goes before the horse, but i think all this will end up being is an annual distraction. but he is cute. :)
noon. i really hope my boss doesn't call me to come in now.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
high horse
i perched atop my high horse today, and then realized i was not happy with the height i was at and jumped off.
i don't know what's wrong with me these days. i'm just not happy at work anymore. i still feel the same way getting up every morning and hopping on the train, but the minute the elevator doors open to our floor, the lightness in my heart disappears and i can't wait until 4 o'clock when i can run out of there.
i'm not sure what's going on with me. i just know that something's not right. i haven't been feeling right lately, physically and mentally, and it's affecting me emotionally. i've been craving one-on-one contact with people (which is unusual, because that usually means i have to talk) but being in groups is a source of annoyance, both socially and at work. even my usual groups at work are irking me and i find myself seeking out people individually to have a laugh or a venting session, instead of trying to round up a fun group to sit around and chat with.
i know i go through stages in sociability and i know that it's the end of summer so i tend to crawl back into my introvert-cave when september rolls around, but there's something wrong. i'm so irritated all the time. my fuse has been short. i have a feeling it has something to do with this whole taste bud-thing. it sucks to sit down to a meal when you know what it is supposed to taste like, but it doesn't taste like that. it's depressing. it's frustrating.
that's it - i'm frustrated, and more so than before. i don't think i've done anything to alleviate this frustration. i'm not happy with the changes (or lack of changes) that have been made at work. i'm not happy with how i've been dealing with the lack of changes. i've been doing what i always do - running away. i've taken vacations and come back feeling refreshed, only to fall back into the pattern again a few weeks later.
it's time to change the tape (or CD...or MP3) in my head. i'm unhappy because i know i could be doing more, but i don't do anything to make more happen. as i've told many people, and as i just explained to someone the other day, i can't change the people around me but i can change the situation i'm in. if i'm not willing to change the situation, then i need to figure out how to live with it. and if i can't live with it, then i need to make the hard decision and move on.
as the saying goes, it's better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don't know but at this point, the unknown devils are looking better and better. at least there is no set pattern when i start a new job - it is yet to be made. but the patterns at my work are established now and they'll be very hard to change if other people aren't willing to work with me to change them. i can only do so much, and then i have to let go.
i don't know what's wrong with me these days. i'm just not happy at work anymore. i still feel the same way getting up every morning and hopping on the train, but the minute the elevator doors open to our floor, the lightness in my heart disappears and i can't wait until 4 o'clock when i can run out of there.
i'm not sure what's going on with me. i just know that something's not right. i haven't been feeling right lately, physically and mentally, and it's affecting me emotionally. i've been craving one-on-one contact with people (which is unusual, because that usually means i have to talk) but being in groups is a source of annoyance, both socially and at work. even my usual groups at work are irking me and i find myself seeking out people individually to have a laugh or a venting session, instead of trying to round up a fun group to sit around and chat with.
i know i go through stages in sociability and i know that it's the end of summer so i tend to crawl back into my introvert-cave when september rolls around, but there's something wrong. i'm so irritated all the time. my fuse has been short. i have a feeling it has something to do with this whole taste bud-thing. it sucks to sit down to a meal when you know what it is supposed to taste like, but it doesn't taste like that. it's depressing. it's frustrating.
that's it - i'm frustrated, and more so than before. i don't think i've done anything to alleviate this frustration. i'm not happy with the changes (or lack of changes) that have been made at work. i'm not happy with how i've been dealing with the lack of changes. i've been doing what i always do - running away. i've taken vacations and come back feeling refreshed, only to fall back into the pattern again a few weeks later.
it's time to change the tape (or CD...or MP3) in my head. i'm unhappy because i know i could be doing more, but i don't do anything to make more happen. as i've told many people, and as i just explained to someone the other day, i can't change the people around me but i can change the situation i'm in. if i'm not willing to change the situation, then i need to figure out how to live with it. and if i can't live with it, then i need to make the hard decision and move on.
as the saying goes, it's better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don't know but at this point, the unknown devils are looking better and better. at least there is no set pattern when i start a new job - it is yet to be made. but the patterns at my work are established now and they'll be very hard to change if other people aren't willing to work with me to change them. i can only do so much, and then i have to let go.
Monday, July 28, 2008
minefield of weirdness
i told BabyMan about the Ex's e-mail to me and his very first reaction, after the wide-eyed stare of disbelief, was, "Don't even go there."
i guess if i were to take the figurative step back and see it from someone else's point of view, i would question why, after 7 years of absolute zero contact, he would choose to send me an e-mail. it is very possible that he's been looking me up on facebook for awhile now (well, so have i but him doing it is much more surprising and perhaps a bit dramatic). has he been thinking about me all this time? or perhaps just since last spring, when i saw him at the casino? incidentally, he saw me too that night. he just didn't know how to approach me or what to say, so he didn't. we've been trading messages back and forth, just catching up on each other's lives. it's funny because i have no problem throwing out question after question - how's the family? how long have you been married? do you have kids yet? where are you working now? and all he could ask, and almost sheepishly, was, "do you still have your Civic?" then he said that he felt weird asking me personal questions. i think that's weird. everything about this is a bit weird.
and the last question i asked him? "so, why contact me after 7 years?" a girl's gotta know, right?
once again, i'm dreading the drive to the okanagan this weekend. i have my CDs all planned but ugh... four hours of driving is not my idea of fun. at least i'll get to chill out at my B&B when i get there. and at least i'll be away from here!
i guess if i were to take the figurative step back and see it from someone else's point of view, i would question why, after 7 years of absolute zero contact, he would choose to send me an e-mail. it is very possible that he's been looking me up on facebook for awhile now (well, so have i but him doing it is much more surprising and perhaps a bit dramatic). has he been thinking about me all this time? or perhaps just since last spring, when i saw him at the casino? incidentally, he saw me too that night. he just didn't know how to approach me or what to say, so he didn't. we've been trading messages back and forth, just catching up on each other's lives. it's funny because i have no problem throwing out question after question - how's the family? how long have you been married? do you have kids yet? where are you working now? and all he could ask, and almost sheepishly, was, "do you still have your Civic?" then he said that he felt weird asking me personal questions. i think that's weird. everything about this is a bit weird.
and the last question i asked him? "so, why contact me after 7 years?" a girl's gotta know, right?
once again, i'm dreading the drive to the okanagan this weekend. i have my CDs all planned but ugh... four hours of driving is not my idea of fun. at least i'll get to chill out at my B&B when i get there. and at least i'll be away from here!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
on my own
i don't know what happened, but it appears my angels have decided that i need to figure life out on my own. i've asked them a number of things over the past few days, but i don't get the definitive answer from them like i did when i first was shown now to communicate with them. i guess the questions i've been asking them have been about how i feel about other people, rather than what i should do about me. either that, or they want me to do a lot of different things because they're saying 'yes' to all of my questions. weird.
i'm looking forward to my time away next weekend. yes, it will be with a bunch of rowdy and raucous friends but hopefully the presence of children will keep it more at a family-event level than the constant barrage of sex references it turns out to be. don't get me wrong - i like a good double entendre any day, but when it's all penis, all the time, it gets a bit sophomorish and boring. it's why i stay at a b&b and not at my friend's house. at least i can spend time away from the seemingly never-ending sexual references. and it's not even like the culprits are sex-starved - they get it more often in one night than most people get it in a year. over-sexed and over-loud. a bad combination.
okay, maybe i'm just looking forward to not being here, then.
i'm looking forward to my time away next weekend. yes, it will be with a bunch of rowdy and raucous friends but hopefully the presence of children will keep it more at a family-event level than the constant barrage of sex references it turns out to be. don't get me wrong - i like a good double entendre any day, but when it's all penis, all the time, it gets a bit sophomorish and boring. it's why i stay at a b&b and not at my friend's house. at least i can spend time away from the seemingly never-ending sexual references. and it's not even like the culprits are sex-starved - they get it more often in one night than most people get it in a year. over-sexed and over-loud. a bad combination.
okay, maybe i'm just looking forward to not being here, then.
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