angels

my angels told me i was meant to have a dog and i was meant to have kids. it's complicated.

my mom went to a new-agey seminar with her friend a couple of weeks ago. she was so impressed by the speaker that she booked a private session. when she told me about it, i signed up too. you know how i love that shit.

without getting into details (because i can't tell you much more than what i already have!), i brought seven angels with me in this life. they're here to guide me with the questions i have about the things that are happening in my life. she even showed me how to communicate with them. and the eerie part is, it works. i can't tell you how. it's just weird.

so when i got home from the session, i tried it out. i started off with easy questions, like, "Am I meant to own a dog," and "Will I be a paralegal for the rest of my life." yes and no, in case you were wondering. i'm kind of scared to ask too many questions in case they stop answering me. but i already asked them if i could ask as many questions as i wanted and they said yes. i still won't ask them stupid things, like, "should i buy these shoes" (yes).

but the consultant said that, because i brought so many angels with me this time around, it means that my purpose on earth in this life is to help people. that makes sense. i have an idea of how i'm going to do that, but i have to do a little more research before i begin to really roll i around in my head. you know me - always about the research.

Doc Tardy and i went to see "The Flight of the Red Balloon" at the French Film Festival last week. sitting in the movie, which was very good for what it was, reminded me that i'm not an academic and for the life of me, i should only watch movies that are made for entertainment. when i got home, i had to google reviews to understand what actually happened in the movie. once i read that the balloon represented childhood fancifulness and also the waywardness of life (seriously), it made sense. but it also reminded me why i only watch rom-coms: life is curious and mystical enough and requires far too much thinking. my "escapes" should not be the sam way.

i had a night out with girlfriends on saturday night and it was so much fun. i was suppose to go and see the Howler's show but ended up just hanging out with the girls after dinner, and the rolling to another place for a drink. it was great because i got home at midnight and it felt like i had a full night. i'm finally starting to learn that a "night out" no longer means Denny's at 2 am for breakfast after the bar and then sleeping until noon on sunday. most importantly, it's okay that i'm home and in bed before the coach turns into a pumpkin!

hard to believe that the august long weekend is almost upon us. that means penticton! and then three weeks after that, san francisco! and then after that, i still have seven days of vacation left. don't ask, i don't know how i did it either. wait, yes i do. it was on my envisioning wish list for work :) this shit really works.

projection

i don't think i actually want a dog. i mean, i love dogs but i don't think i actually want one of my own. i don't think it has to do with a fear of commitment (although it does strike the fear of God into me when i think of taking care of something sentient other than myself). i think it has more to do with greed and self-interest than anything else. i've always wanted a dog. always, for my entire life. and yet i still don't have one. there's nothing and no one holding me back from getting one of my own and yet, i haven't done very much about it. i could've lied to the SPCA and told them i lived in a house with a big fenced yard and had a roommate that worked from home all the time. but i didn't. i told the truth because i knew the truth would prevent me from getting a dog. i'm sabotaging this because i don't feel it's right. why get a dog to curb my own feelings of loneliness (such that they are), only to have the dog be lonely because i'm never here? not fair. not right. no dog.

i am thinking of starting a vision board. i mean, i think i kind of have one started already (it has dogs on it). i think i just have to abandon all doubt that projecting what i want will bring me what i want, because subconsciously, i don't think i believe it. i was watching Harpo today and she had Louise Hay on again, talking about the law of attraction. i think i practice the law of attraction everyday, but i don't think i do it wholeheartedly with certain things and probably because i don't want to be disappointed if and/or when i don't get what i projected for. that's sort of detrimental to the law of attraction. that's the law of detraction. and that's not what i want.

i gotta throw it all out there - body, mind and soul. i have to let the universe know what i want - what i really want, and not just what i think i want because i've always wanted it - so that it will bring it to me. so that i can attract it. so that it will come to me. or whatever other manifestation of getting there is. i have to believe i deserve it and i have to really want it.

but first, i have to take the dogs down from my vision board.

channeling carrie

i saw "sex and the city" tonight with a bunch girls from work. it was so much fun. we got there late so i was irritated (of course) because we were supposed to get there 30 minutes before but the restaurant took so long (with 10 orders, yeah, i think so) and then paying (does anyone have change?) and then the mixup with the tickets (will-call means you pick up the tickets - you can't just bring the printout and expect them to let you in). but we sat down (in the fourth row up from the gigangic screen) and the screen went dark and that oh-so-familiar piano tinkling and carrie-voice-over came on and i relaxed. it was so fun just sitting there with girlfriends, gasping at outrageous outfits and trying not to cry when Big messed up everything...again. i miss that. i miss having girlfriends.

as i sit here, typing away at my computer, not more than 24 minutes before i officially turn 32, i can't help but wonder why it had to change. why boyfriends and husbands and children and work became more important than girlfriends. why it's so difficult for people who live within 30 minutes driving distance of each other to get together once a month - a month! why when we do get together, it's more of a bitch session about how ungrateful their children are or how lazy their husbands are than catching up with each other's lives. i guess that's it. that is their life. and since life is about change, so change is a part of life. and i welcome change.

i was rejected by an SPCA partner today. it's ironic that i want to adopt a dog from the SPCA because it means i'm not supporting puppy mills and irresponsible breeders, but the SPCA won't let me adopt a dog because they don't feel i can take care of one. so, i have to go to a breeder instead. i don't get it. but i do.

eleven minutes. how did i get to 32? i still feel like i'm 25. that's a good thing.

here's to another great year. and to girlfriends that help make it that much better.

hesitation

so, the breeder that Mon got her dogs at is selling some of her adults. i e-mailed the breeder and asked about both. she's selling them for $400 each (Mon says i should get both, because two is better than one).

i was going to send the breeder another email, asking whether she would consider loaning out the dogs to me over a weekend, just so i could see how they were and see whether we got along. as i was about to press "send" on the e-mail, a wave of anxiousness passed over me and i quickly backed the mouse cursor away.

i shouldn't be spending $400 on a dog right now (or $400 plus if i get the havanese, which is the one i'd want). i have my house insurance due at the end of the month, my property taxes have increased, i just spent $500 on a new timing belt for the Blue Bunny and i'm anticipating that my brakes will need to be done in the next few months two (after all, i'm still running on the original, 7+ year old brakes!). i have a holiday coming up in penticton that i'd have to cancel my b&b and bunk with my friend (and all the rest of her guests). i'd have to re-consider my trip to Prague and Vienna next Christmas. excuse, excuses...

just because i've always wanted something, doesn't mean i should get it. i've always wanted a dog and i've been waiting until i got out on my own to get one. i've been on my own for almost three years and no dog. not even a hint of one. my life would change so much if i got one. i'd have to come home right after work every day (no hanging out after work or stopping off somewhere before i came home). i'd have to get up even earlier to take the dog out for a morning walk. i'd have to find someone to take care of him whenever i went away somewhere that i couldn't take him (although, no shortage of dog-sitters with the people i work with!). the cost of maintaining a dog. what happens if he gets sick? i'd get pet insurance but pets are expensive. there's food and routine checkups that aren't covered by insurance. there's so much stuff. i can't be a SINK and own a dog!

i asked my dad if he wanted one. he immediately said no. i'm pretty certain, though, that if i got a dog, he'd soon be coming by to take it for a walk when he got home from work, every now and then. eventually, it would probably become his. maybe that's the solution. he'd eventually take it over so he wasn't lonely anymore, and i'd have a dog in my life but not full-time.

it's still going to cost me $400.

dancing machine

i signed up for a "bollywood jazz" class at the local rec centre and have been attending classes now for four weeks (two more classes to go). it's taught the "students" of the most sought-after bollywood choreographer today and my teacher, whose name i can't remember, is fricking awesome. he's a 5'3" Indian firecracker who is such an awesome teacher. i love this class so much, i've already signed up for the summer session, which is two classes a week for three weeks. you know how much i love this class? the summer sessions are on tuesdays and fridays, from 18:40 to 19:40. i am having so much fun!

other classes i've taken, whether it be for exercise or for interest, i always attend the first few sessions and skip the last few because i've lost interest. i can't imagine skipping this class. i'd miss out on all the fun!

i loved the bellydancing class i took last fall, but eventually stopped going to that. singing i really, really enjoyed but skipped at least one of those classes too. i can't believe i've finally found something that i love...i mean actually LOVE!

i also signed up for "cuban salsa" lessons in the summer, which also fall in the weeks of my bollywood classes. basically, i'll be dancing four out of five weekdays for three straight weeks. if i don't drop an inch or two after that, i'll have to consider liposuction.

on another note, i found out today that my cousin's ex-girlfriend (at least, i think she's still an ex, but you never know) is going with his family (heck, our whole family, except for my clan) to the Philippines for a cousin's wedding. color me confused, but i think that's kind of weird. i obviously don't know the back-story to all of this but perhaps i won't understand even if i did.

kind of like Mon and her loser of a boyfriend. he's finally moved out of her apartment (she kicked him out for cheating on her and lying to her about it...thrice), but she's still seeing him, still helping him out with his two legal matters (criminal and family - double whammy), still figuratively banging her head against the solid concrete wall. why do women do it?

i think i've been out of the game too long, but i do still understand that women do things in relationships that stymie those outside of those relationships. we know why they do it. we just can't understand why they do it. why they would put themselves through that. why????

i need to be more understanding or, at the very least, less judgmental. i've done a lot of stupid things in my past so I can't really talk. but then again, perhaps that's why i do talk - so that other people don't end up making the same mistakes i did.

and yet, then again, it's their mistake to make, just as it was mine.

sigh.

full-figured

i borrowed a book from the library the other day called, "The Science of Sexy", by bradley bayou, stylist to the stars. i didn't bother actually reading the book, cover to cover. instead, i looked to see what my shape was (rectangle) and looked on the height/weight chart to see what color i fit under so i could flip to the three pages that would tell me what i should and shouldn't wear. when i did so, i skimmed the pages, looked at the pictures and decided that, for the most part, i was dressing in the right shapes for my body. then, i looked at the beginning page of my section and it said, "Rectangle, Full-Figured." i paused and thought about it. i flipped through the rest of the book and tried to find what else i could have been. i found "petite" and "medium" descriptions and the back of the book was all "plus-sized". i was stymied. i went back to the height/weight chart and subtracted about 30 lbs from where i was, found the color and flipped to that page - "Rectangle, Medium". there was nothing between "medium" and "full-figured". it then occurred to me: i'm full-figured. i'm not medium anymore!

you know that show, "how to look good naked?" they do a "figure line-up" where models of a certain shape and general size, on each end of the size spectrum, line up and the subject-guest has to place herself where she thinks she is on the scale? she almost always picks at least three sizes bigger than she actually is (i.e. women's body perceptions are skewed). if i were on that show, i'd place myself where i thought i fit in, and they would have to do a re-take because carson kressley can't say, "no, honey, you're not that thin."

honestly, in my mind's eye, i still think i look like i did when i was 21. i get dressed in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "i still look the same. why don't thost damn pants fit me then?" it shocks me sometimes to see myself in pictures because i don't think i've gained that much size. but i have. i really have.

i picked up another book at the library, totally unrelated to fashion, called "Everyday Commitments - Choosing a Life of Love, Realism, and Acceptance", by david richo. when i skimmed through it, i decided to borrow it because i thought i had picked up on the premise - make a commitment to yourself everyday and keep it. if you can keep a commitment to yourself, then you can be committed to other things in your life too.

when i got down to reading it, i was different than i thought. it's still something i am going to practice, but it had nothing to do with keeping particular commitments to the self. but i'm still stuck on that thought. after all, i can keep promises to other people but i can't keep them to myself. why do i not think i'm worthy of keeping a commitment to?

so, here is my commitment to myself: i'm going to make better efforts to trim down and get myself back into shape. i'll never look like heidi klum, but then again, it's not my job to look model-perfect everyday. but i can look more like i did two years ago...or seven years ago...or maybe even ten years ago. i just have to believe that i am worthy of that promise.

i think i am.

thinking, feeling and being

i'm not fat. but somedays, i feel like i am. it's not the same as being fat. i wish people would realize that.

feeling you are something, thinking your are something and being something are sometimes three different things. somedays, as we all know, i feel crazy. but (most days) i'm not.

i was reading a back-post on my favorite blog and in one of her posts, she complained that because of the cold weather and the clothes she had to wear to keep warm, she felt fat. the first comment was something to the effect of, "take it from a big woman whose had a lot of therapy to come to grips with he weight - you're not fat." no, she didn't say she was fat - she said she felt fat. different.

i got an e-mail from a former classmate and fellow paralegal today. she must have had her annual salary review because she asked us all what a 3 year paralegal should be making. she said her HR person lowballed her (although she didn't give a number), but she thinks she should be making about $50 to 60K. i hate this, because i've recently accepted my own salary as what i should be earning, and now someone is suggesting that i should be making more.

like i told her in my response e-mail, it really all depends on the type of work you do, the level of experience you've gained, the type of law you work in and what is actually expected of you. i don't work overtime or weekends or take work home with me. i don't have a billable target for the year. and i'm going to be getting flex days. so the fact that i'm making a comfortable salary that happens to be under $50K sucks, but may very well be fair. let's face it - i don't have to work very hard and i have a lot of pull at my firm. i have a very good reputation and i don't want a war-over-wages to ruin that. at the same time, if i know that all of my friends from class are making more than i am, there is something fundamentally wrong with that.

i think i make enough. i feel i should make more. i don't know if i make what is actually fair.

luckily, i'm still very chill from my holidays, so nothing's really bothering me right now. what a difference a vacation makes. before i left, i was stumbling into work five or ten minutes late and leaving as soon as practically possible after 4pm (provided my 6.5 hours were duly recorded). now, i've been into work happily about 7:45 each morning, leaving equally happily at about 4:30 or 5. i think the exercise helps, but i think the brain vacation helped more.

i need to do it more often!

turtle

i fell while on a moving bus today. i had rung for my stop and started to walk (using the poles and hand straps provided) towards the exit door. the bus driver decided to brake suddenly (a few feet before the actual stop, naturally) and i lost my grip on the pole. i was wearing heels and was just stepping off the first step down from the back upper level of the bus. so, i turned on my heel (promptly twisting it), grasped for air and fell flat on my back, knocking my sun glasses off my head. how embarrasing! i would've been more hurt if i hadn't been wearing my backpack but luckily, it broke my fall. i felt like a turtle on its back. this guy that was sitting in front of my came to see if i was okay and the bus driver stopped the bus, walked back towards me to see if i was okay, and took one look at my shoes and said jovially, "you'd better be careful on those heels. next time, sit closer to the door!" i was tired and hungry so i waved off any help, said i was okay, and went home and began employing the RICE principle. i've iced my ankle. it's currently wrapped in a pashmina to reduce mobility (like i own a tensor bandage!). and i've been sitting with my ankle elevated on two pillows.

i'll be hobbling onto the plane on thursday.

worth

i finally had my annual review yesterday (only four months behind schedule). i had in my mind what i wanted to say about my job and what i wanted for a salary increase. i was going to stick to my guns. i even received the BCPA salary survey in the mail the day before. it was like fate.

well, my salary did increase over and above the 3% cost of living increase, which is fantastic. but, it's $1200 less annually than what i had decided i would agree to / settle for. $1200. for the partnership, not a lot a year. only $100 more per month. daily, it would be less than what some of them pay for lunch everyday. or beer.

my admin told me that the salary is negotiable and that i should write a memo outlining what i would like and why i think i deserve it (basically).

and now, i've sat down to write it. and i'm wondering if it's even worth asking for. i know that i'm worth it. i feel i bring a lot of value to the firm, if not all through my work. i'm sure that if i were to find somewhere else to work and quit my current job, $1200 wouldn't be much to offer me to stay. i like to think they would offer me that to stay.

but then i remember that i've only been in this job for 2.5 years. and i've only been doing real paralegal work for less than a year. am i being greedy? or am i talking myself out of something i deserve (yet again)?

it's a difficult thing to do, determining what you're worth to a company. i took a glance over the salary survey and, while there are people who are earning more than me with the same level of experience (probably less, since I still have my legal secretary background and four years of it), they didn't get a bonus and they actually have targets they have to meet. plus, they work at least 15 hours a week more than i do.

am i talking myself out of requesting more money? probably. am i sorry i'm doing it? probably will be later. but i think i'll wait until i get back from my holiday to make any decisions, either big or small.

six more days!

begging the question

as i walked to the train after work today, i heard sobbing behind me. not just sniffling. not just crying. but sobbing. i turned around and saw, about five feet behind me, a woman with dark sunglasses on and her coat collar turned up, and she was audibly weeping.

i immediately felt that wanted to help her. but how do you ask a perfect stranger if they want to talk about what's bothering them? i kept walking, and she kept crying behind me. finally, i decided to slow down and let her catch up with me. as she walked by me, i said the only thing i could say, "are you okay?"

obviously, she was not okay. they were not tears of joy. she was not suffering with allergies that caused uncontrollable eye-watering. she was so the opposite of "okay" at that point in time.

she managed to choke out, "i'm fine," and walked by me. i felt better, at least knowing that i tried. not very hard, but who wants to be pushed into spilling their guts by a total stranger?

i had my review at work today. more like a whining session but my admin, once again, emphasized that no one wanted me to leave so they wanted to make me happy. i asked for flex days. i asked for a headset for my phone (the numb fingers thing). i even asked for office space once they got it (whenever that is). i should've also asked for more holidays but i figured i might be pushing it. when she gave me the piece of paper that said what my salary increase was, i wasn't too disappointed. but it was still $1,200.00 less than what i wanted. i asked if the salary was negotiable and she said it was. i am to write a memo outlining why i would like the increase.

they want a memo? i'll give them a memo, with appendices and all! for less than a sandwich a day, i could get exactly what i want.

i did confess to my admin that i wasn't sure that my job was it for me. i emphasized that a lot of my frustration these days is just tiredness. i just need a vacation. i told her that my plan was to take my holiday next week, relax and think about nothing, and then come home and re-assess my place in the world. she told me to come back and see her after i had done my assessment.

i think i will.

waxing and waning

well, i think i'm a little less despairing than i was in my last post. not any less frustrated but a little less suicidal!

i'm currently a fan of a fellow-blogger. i came upon her site when i was trying to figure out what shoes to wear (i.e. flats or heels) with jeans and a dress. this is her site: http://whatiwore2day.blogspot.com/

she has such style! some of her outfits are a little too wild for me but she carries even the weirdest (for someone as conservative as me, that is) combos of pieces with such confidence that i have to admire her chutzpah. she's recently posted her outfits from the past couple of years and i must say, she used to be just a regular ol' dresser like yours truly. i have hope!!

i've been on the weather watch for punta cana lately. honestly, if it rains once in awhile while i'm there, i don't care too much. but i don't want any thunderstorms or hurricanes! my mom, ever the pseudo-storm chaser, is hoping for a hurricane but i think that's insanity and a bit of dementia on her part. i just want to get a tan, swim a bit, relax and remember what it feels like to be somewhat sane, if only for a little while.

i got some new exercises from my physiotherapist. we'll see how it works. i go back again tomorrow. she's going to work on my arm tomorrow. hopefully that helps with the shooting pains. i've almost given up on the numbness in my fingers. almost.

my apartment is a mess.

just call me george

ever feel like your life has no purpose? i feel that today. i feel like everything i've done to this point has had no impact on the world or the people around me and that i'm still wandering aimlessly. i feel like george bailey in "it's a wonderful life", except at the very beginning of the movie, not at the end.

Mon asked Niko, the Ninja's new assistant, to help her today. you know what she asked her to do? research. so i jokingly said, "bill it to my number, would you?" and the minute i said that, i opened up a can of worms, the inhabitants of which are now burrowing tiny holes into my head and heart. i heard Mon say that she wasn't allowed to give me stuff to do which is why she gave the project to Niko. but Mon has no problem asking me to track down files or photocopy stuff. she doesn't think twice about asking me to do revisions on letters or mail things out for her. but to do actual paralegal work - work that i've been trained to do but never actually used my skills? nope, she gives that to someone who has been working in litigation for all of 6 weeks. thanks for the vote of confidence.

it just made me realize further that no one actually sees me as a paralegal at the firm. how could they? i started as a legal secretary and will always be that in some people's eyes. my own boss sees me as a faithful assistant rather than a trained and knowledgable member of the team.

i know i'm just tired and need a vacation. but i'm tired of complaining about the work i get and the people i work with. nothing is being done and nothing is changing, even though i'm on the path to change. i know i need to wait until i get back from holidays to make any rash decisions but i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm tired. i don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to go to work anymore, feeling like i serve no other purpose but to be a seat warmer and accurate typist. i'm tired of everything. i'm tired of feeling like my two years of studying to be a paralegal were all for nought. i'm tired of spending my days hole punching documents and making pretty binders.

fuck the binders!

i'm tired. i'm tired of being tired. something must be done.

getting old

no one hates getting old more than i do. i'm seeing the little white hairs peeking through the black hair around my temples. i've started noticing that my laugh lines (which were never there with much prominence before) are starting to deepen. I even have the fine lines under my eyes now too.

but my biggest complaint to-date is my ever-expanding problem of muscle soreness and stiffness. for the past few months, i've been experiencing numbness and tingling in my left arm. back in january, i went for 2 sessions of massage therapy which helped. but because i favour sleeping on my left side, the problem came back within a month or so. i went for more massages but nothing has helped. in fact, as i type, there is a shooting pain in my forearm near my elbow and my left hand is going numb. things are better when i stand. but i can't stand forever.

my doctor seemed unconcerned (big surprise there). she suggested i go for physiotherapy, which i will be doing on tuesday. i was talking to the Ninja about it at work and when i described the pain i was having (which, i'm noticing today is now also in my right arm...oh, god, i hope it's not arthritis), he immediately pointed to his neck and said, "neck problems. i have the exact same problem. you need a chiropractor." i just had to get up and wander around for a minute because my arms were starting to seize. this is not good.

physio on tuesday and then, if no improvement, i'm going to get cracked.

slouch!

in more ways than one.

it's been about two months since i last wrote. i've been busy! the teaching thing is almost over (my last class is monday) and i must say, i've learned a lot. A LOT! it's amazing how much you don't know about your own job, until you try to teach it to other people who have "outsider" questions.

did i enjoy it? yes.... will i do it again? yes.... do you feel a "but" coming on? yes.... i liken my teaching days to going to the gym - the mere thought of going sent me into a mild depression and whenever i walked out the door to leave for class, it felt more like i was going to get my teeth extracted by a medieval dentist. but once i was there and i was in the groove, i felt pretty damn good.

the cat is gone. i missed her for about two days. then, the realization that i didn't have to watch where i sat for fear of cat hair, sunk in. no more animal hair! life is good.

i'm getting fatter. i'm trying to exercise but my sweet tooth has been unbelieveable lately. actually, my food tooth has been worse. i've been over-eating a lot lately and i can't stop myself from doing so. perhaps i need to try a bit harder.

i'm not doing much better on the money front either (as i type away on my brand-spanking new computer!). instead of spending money on clothes, i spend money on food (see the problem one paragraph above). but, i have a plan and i will pay off my amex by june! well, i'll pay off the old stuff by june. once i go on holidays, i'll rack up a few more hundred dollars.

which brings me to my next piece of news: i'm going on holidays. not sure when exactly, nor where, nor with whom, but the idea is firmly implanted in my brain and we all know what that means: aut viam inveniam aut faciam.

it's the end of daylight savings time so we're springing forward tonight. which means when i go into work tomorrow (yes, on a sunday), i'll actually be there at 9am and not 10. ouch.

i was on the skytrain yesterday, coming home from work. it was about 6:30. there was this kid, probably about 6 or 7 but no more than that, with his mom. there were no seats for his mom so he sat down. he was the cutest thing. very well-behaved and so sweet and innocent-looking. when a spot beside him freed up, he pointed to it and said something to his mom (don't know what he said because it was in Korean or something but i can only assume he was telling her to sit down) and she told him that it was okay, she would stand. he started to drift off to sleep, his eyelids getting heavier and heavier as the train went on. he was the epitome of a child for me at that moment. and i felt myself starting to tear up. i'm not hormonal (that i know of) so i don't know why it made me teary. in a sad way too. is it the biological clock ticking? are my maternal feelings starting to grow stronger?

not surprisingly, i ended up having a bit of a meltdown last night. i was watching an episode i had taped of "Eli Stone", and the part where he's telling the judge at his disbarment hearing that he's always wanted to be a lawyer and can't imagine his life without his work, i broke down. i had an absolute meltdown. i felt like my life was pointless. i've been drifting aimlessly for 31 years and may continue to do so for another 31. i couldn't figure out why it was bothering me so much.

it's no secret that i've always envied people who have known what they wanted to do for a career for their whole life. while most days, i don't mind thinking that another, more fulfilling career is just around the corner, once in awhile i wonder why i just can't be happy doing what i'm doing.

the truth is, i do love my job still. sure, i'm frustrated right now but i think that has more to do with how i'm seeing things than what's actually happening. sure, lawyers i don't work for are asking me to help them when their assistants are away on holidays or are sick. instead of complaining about how they should have asked for a temp to sit at their desk, i should be flattered that they are singling me out (partners, no less!) to do their work for them. they may be menial tasks, but they know i won't screw them up.

once i come back from the Dominican, i will be refreshed and ready to go again. but until then, i'm hanging on by some very frayed, emotional strings.

and i'm still slouching. at least when i'm sitting.

those who can't...

i can add "teacher" to my list of titles now. i'm teaching an intro litigation course for a local school board's legal admin assistant program. how crazy is that? my first class is january 21st. i think i'd better phone and meet with the coordinator because i'm doing up a course syllabus and i'm thinking that there's a lot of material to cover and i don't really know how much to get into. i'll phone her tomorrow.

i'm excited about the teaching, though. nervous about being a big screw up, but then again, it's a fledgling program and the course is $96 for eight weeks - a pittance compared to what the Cap fee was for one course. and let's face it, some of my instructors in that course weren't even worth the $96. i think i'll be fine.

i've also signed myself up for a singing class - something i've been wanting to do for awhile but just haven't made the effort. i would also like to sign up for a bellydancing class again, but i fear that might be too much to deal with. maybe next semester.

i spent too much (on myself) over the holidays. mostly on clothes. if i could just give away some clothes, perhaps my purchases would be less unnecessary. but i can't even find the time (or is it that i don't want to?) to purge the old clothes. slowly but surely.

for once in many years, i made a concerted effort not to make resolutions. i was talking to BabyMan before new years and he asked me if i had made my resolutions. i told him it was the same list of ten or so things i resolved every year. he made me realize that in doing that, i was trying to change my entire self (which is very difficult), instead of just picking one thing that i can improve on. so, aside from less spending and less eating (which is just the responsible thing to do), i'm going to try and be a little more tolerant and a little less critical. i'm very critical. i don't know why. it's not like i'm perfect, nor do i like to be criticized.

to date, not doing so well on the eating thing. i think i ate a pound of chocolate this weekend, and i'm not exaggerating. i finished a one pound box of Purdy's chocolates on my own (okay, i threw out four of the cherry and orange type-chocolates, but that only really amounts to, maybe, 10 ounces under the pound. but i made it up with mini-eggs). i'm sure i gained five pounds to show for it, though.

the spending thing, well i'm paying cash for things. we're only 6 days in though so i can't be too excited about anything.

i just need to stay out of places that sell stuff. how hard could that be?

i am also obsessed with my new Nintendo DS and Brain Age and My Word Coach games. if in future blog entries i seem more astute and more linguistically adept, you'll know why. my best Brain Age to date is 25 and my worst is 58. they say 20 is what to aim for. yikes.

my other and final resolution? stand up straight!

snow day

i'm staring out the window right now (yes, as i type. i'm a multi-tasker) and it's snowing. big, fat flakes and lots of them. it's amazing. it hasn't snowed like this in a long time. i mean, it snowed last year but not like this. it's like a blizzard out there. fat flakes. fat, fat flakes. it's a soup-day. a snuggle on the couch with a good movie-day. it's a veritable Winter Wonderland.

but tonight's forecast is for heavy rain. gotta love global warming.

it's official

i will never own a cat. and it's becoming more likely that i'll never own a dog either. this cat is driving me insane. i know it's because she misses her companion of a decade and i try to spend as much time with her as i can. but she's become so needy - i don't remember her being like this, ever. if i don't sit with her, she whines. if i don't pet her, she whines. if i'm not looking at her, she whines. if she were a dog, i might be able to deal with it because at least i know she'd be able to go for a walk or play. this houseguest of mine just lounges. plays string every once in awhile. but mostly just stares and whines. oy!

things have been very quiet. i'm almost getting bored. i'd like to have people over but i'm afraid this cat might have a heart attack from all the new faces. plus, all the covers i've put on the couch look kind of ridiculous and are a pain to put back on properly so no parties for me until the new year.

Doc Tardy may be moving back home soon. i'm a bit disappointed because she had accepted a job in England previously and i was looking forward to visiting her for my birthday. ah well, i guess i can still celebrate the summer solstice in england, just more expensively. but it'll be good if she moves back - we'll get each other out and socializing again.

i wish i could learn better from my mistakes. last year at this time, i was grounding myself (for the umpteenth time, no doubt) for spending too much money. had i just bit the bullet last year at this time, i'd be out of credit card debt, probably would have a new computer, and would have a little more savings. instead, it's Christmas time again with gifts to buy, i have more credit card debt than i did last year and my car's regular maintenance is going to cost me at least $1500 because i'm about to hit 100,000 km and my timing belt needs to be changed. that doesn't include my brakes -i've been waiting for them to tell me i need them changed since the summer but since i don't drive as much now, i've been saved for a few months. i hate this. i hate that i just can't seem to learn. i can learn from my mistakes at work but in my personal life, generally, it's like Groundhog Day.

aside from the money-thing and the cat-thing, i'm quite happy. Mon was obsessing about this guy that she hasn't heard from in a week. she met him at Earls on Friday at lunch (randomly, of course), which turned into a 12 hour makeout session at her place. they planned on doing something the next week but he never phoned or sent her a text or anything. and she's obsessing. just the way i would. she says she's never felt this kind of chemistry with a guy since 1998 so she doesn't want to let him go, even though he smokes weed on a regular basis, occasionally does coke and is a self-professed partier. oy. meanwhile, she's got another guy that she's pushing away, even though he's got a great job, owns a house, is stable and established, and thoughtful (although it sounds like it could border on controlling sometimes). i told her she needs to simplify her life. she's the one who told me to read "eat, pray, love" and yet she learned nothing from that book. nada. i'm so glad i surround myself with people who invite so much drama into their lives. it reminds me that i don't want any in mine.

loss

how quickly things change. ginny was euthanized this morning. she'd been sick since monday night and she's been at the vet since tuesday morning. i was afraid i'd have to make the decision to put her down because i wasn't able to get a hold of Jam for a few days and ginny got progressively worse. it was an awful decision to have to make when you're on the other side of the world but i'm glad she made it.

it made me realize that perhaps i'm not fit to have a pet like a dog or a cat. her sickness was so upsetting to me that on thursday night, i found myself kneeling in front of ginny's cage at the vet, sobbing and apologizing to her (yes, the cat) because i didn't know what to do. perhaps my sadness came from the standpoint that i had no guidance and had never been through this kind of situation before. perhaps it will be different when i have my own dog, but i think the pain of losing them will be much worse. can i deal with that?

i think a lot of my avoidance of dating and relationships stems from the fact that i don't want to ever feel that pain of losing someone again. love is great when you have it but when you lose it, you feel like you may have been better off having not had it at all. maybe it's worse for me; i'm not a person that wears my heart on my sleeve. as the saying goes, still waters run deep. i feel pain very deeply and the only way for me to deal with it is just to avoid it. perhaps not the most healthy way of self-preservation but it's what works for me.

that being said, i may be inheriting a dog pretty soon. if it comes to that, the next three months will be interesting, to say the least!

serious regret

i wish i had never said i would look after my friend's cats. it's only been a week but it feels like they've been here for months. i'm frustrated with Ginny, the cat with the heart condition. i know i shouldn't be. but she's figured out that the "treat" food i give her is laced with her meds so now she won't eat it. yesterday, i was forced to try to shove the pills down her throat by sitting on her and yanking her mouth open. i thought she'd taken it, and i gave her extra pets and cooed at her for doing so. later on, i found the pill lying on the floor. fucking cat.

i tried to do the same today and granted, today was my fault. i opened up the pill and was going to pour the contents down her throat. that got spit out too. i was so mad, i started to vacuum. they hate the vacuum.

i know i'm being too hard on them (and on me) but i hate having them here. the cat hair is driving me mental. i hate cleaning the litter. one of them puked on the carpet yesterday - hated cleaning that too. and the benefit of have two little critters to sit and watch TV with me lost its lustre many days ago.

granted, the money my friend gave me in payment for looking after them will probably buy my new computer (finally). or buy my Christmas present for the year. or pay down my credit card. or allow me to finally have a nice housewarming party (once these damn cats are gone, of course, because a crowd of new people hanging around for an extended period of time would probably give Ginny a heart attack, literally). or supplement my away-trip next year. but i will never, ever, EVER agree to take care of someone else's cats at my place again. i don't care who it's for.

only 15 more weeks to go. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

invasion

the cats are moving in today. i really hope they like it here. they'd better because they'll be with me for the next four months. i just learned that 90% of the plants i own are poisonous to cats so i've had to move them into my den and will shut the door when i'm not here or sleeping. hopefully that works. it's very sad because now my livingroom looks bare without the big plant on the floor by the window and, of course, that window gets the most light so my plants will suffer. i hope they don't die. i'd be pissed.

i've gotten over the whole cat-hair thing (okay, almost). almost gotten over the fact that they will likely scratch the hell out of my couch. i just don't want them to get angry with their owner and take it out on me (or rather, my furniture) by peeing everywhere. one of the cats did that (peed on my friend's mattress) after my friend's return from a month-long trip. i suspect that they will punish her once they all get home in March, but there's always that possibility that they're just not going to like me. and then, the other possibility that the one with the heart condition will die. that would suck! i've never had to deal with dead animals before and to have to deal with it for the first time with a friend's pet would be awful. here's hoping things go well.

i worry too much, eh?