i miss my doctor

my "old" doctor "retired" last year - he's now the director of some private medical clinic in the city. the new doctor that took over his patients (or that the clinic referred patients to when he left) is younger, a female but not as good. i always feel so rushed when i'm in there to see her and really, i only ever go for my annual checkup. and i'm convinced now that she doesn't prepare before she sees patients because she walked into the exam room today and said, "so, what can i do for you today?" you asked me to come in, remember? it should at least say that much in the notes. grr.

in a hour, i am meeting another online date, for sushi. usually i don't do meals on the first date but for a number of reasons, i had to give in. first, i don't drink alcohol. second, he doesn't drink coffee. third, i really wanted to go for sushi. fourth, he doesn't live downtown and doesn't work downtown but offered to come out my way to meet up. i think that's it.

about him - not sure why i'm meeting him, actually. he seems nice enough, although i think he's more of a boozer than he lets on. not that that's a bad thing necessarily but it's certainly not something i do so it's something to consider when screening for potential dates. in fact, his picture had him hoisting a mug of beer up to the camera - again, i can't remember why i smiled at him but i did. oh well, i guess we'll find out what he's like in a short while. i'll keep you posted.

stupid thing

over a month ago, i confessed about this guy that i had met on my dating site and began chatting with. i think i mentioned that MGF admonished me for phoning this guy before he phoned me. i haven't heard from the guy since. remember i thought he was lying dead somewhere?

well, i was on my dating site earlier this week and who should be on at the same time as me but this guy - i don't even think i gave him a name. anyway, he's alive and well. no, i didn't talk to him. i haven't see him on MSN since i saw him on the dating site and today, i checked (yes, i checked) and he's deleted me from his MSN list.

i know it's a stupid thing to feel sad about but i am a little sad. if i take MGF's word, this guy never bothered calling me back because i was too accessible (too "easy" i think were his exact words) - i called him so why should he bother calling me, type-of-thing. no challenge. go figure.

i went for a medical test a week ago today and last friday, there was a message from my doctor's office. she wants me to come in to discuss the test results. that sounds good, eh? :) i see her tomorrow afternoon.

of course, i'm letting my imagination run wild with this one. she might just be updating me on the status of things or she might be telling me my situation has gotten worse (i could have told her that). she could prescribe a higher dose drug (which would suck because my moods are just fine, thanks very much) or it may be that surgery is the only way to go. in which case, i'll start looking for my dog now. har har.

some assistant fire warden

i decided to go to bed early tonight. at 9:30, i packed it in and was probably sleeping by 10. about fifteen minutes ago, i was awoken by the shrieks of the building's fire alarm. i should be thankful that: a) they work; and b) i heard them. i got up, wandered to the window to see if i could see fire or smoke. i then wandered out to the livingroom window to get a better view. then, i checked just outside my front door. i peeked around the corner and saw a neighbour trying to press the smoke alarm. he saw me, shrugged and walked away. i spent the next five minutes trying to find my ear plugs and hemming and hawing about whether to phone 911 or just our property manager. then, i got dressed, grabbed my cell phone and wallet and keys and wandered down the hall. i met up with my neighbour who said she couldn't find her cat and that we should mosey on outside. i could see a firetruck outside the window.

we get to the ground floor and open the lobby door and there are four firefighters, fiddling with the sprinkler panel (all about 6'3" in their uniforms but none to write home about). outside, a handful of neighbours stood. i thought to myself, "huh. i guess i should take these things seriously, even if i know it's just the sprinklers malfunctioning."

it's comforting to know that i really am calm in these types of situations. but perhaps a sense of urgency is needed when it comes to fire safety. thank goodness i live in a lowrise.

hopefully, i can get back to sleep.

vincent

i've been singing with my Magic Mic for the past hour or so now (poor neighbours). i've sang everything from laura branigan's showstopper, "Gloria", to bette midler's "The Rose". i've laughed as sang the carpenters' "Goodbye to Love" and cheesed my way through Queen's "Somebody to Love". i've been fine. i've laughed at myself. i've wondered if the neighbours can hear me and if they can, do they think i'm nuts? and then, i get to one of my very favorites, don maclean's "Vincent".

lately, when i've sang it, i've started to cry when i get to the part where he sings, "and when no hope was left in sight on the starry, starry night / you took your life as lovers often do / but i could have told you, vincent / this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you". this time, i started to tear up and my voice started to crack as i sang, "now i understand / what you tried to say to me / and how you suffered for your sanity / and how you tried to set them free..."

i can't understand it. i'm starting to think that perhaps, my subconscious knows something that i don't. perhaps i am mentally ill - clinically depressed or schizophrenic maybe - and i don't know it yet. why the song about the genius yet suicidal artist makes me cry, i don't know. "...perhaps [i] never will".

signs, signs, everywhere there's signs

the Department of Justice has a posting for a paralegal. i've received the posting no less than four different times from four different, unrelated sources. do you think it's a sign? i should apply for it. the starting salary is more than i make now. what's the worse they could do? hire me?

volunteered at the judges' dinner again tonight. and again, two years in a row, public transportation done me wrong. last year, i think it was snow related or the traffic was at a standstill. this year, a skytrain car decided to go off the rails (when i was not on it) and messed up the entire system. a trip that normally would take me 25 minutes took me almost 2 1/2 hours. i was suppose to be the first person to get there (with the nametags and the attendance list) and i was one of the last. luckily, i arrived with so much adrenaline pumping through me that i was able to butterfly around to different tables and socialize. i joked around in the buffet lineup with one of the provincial court judges. i joked around at the receiving table with an appeal judge. i made great conversation with a very attractive male lawyer sitting beside me at our table (he's married with child on the way). i was even able to say hello and sustain a good conversation with my former boss, now PCJ in Surrey. it was fab. but next year, i'm taking the day off so i can actually get to the event on time.

and now, to bed for this girl.

OD

my mom phoned and left a message on my voicemail about an hour ago. it was something to the effect of, "i don't know where you are right now and i know your brother normally goes to your grandma's on saturday night but can you two come over tonight? there's something i need to talk to you about."

i phoned my dad's and no one was home. i phoned my mom and she said basically the same thing she said on her message. and then told me to phone my brother because she hadn't talked to him yet.

i phoned him and asked him if he was going to grandma's tonight. he said no. i said, "ok, mom wants the two of us to come over tonight." i don't even think i told him that she wanted to talk to us about something. he said okay and i told him to phone me when he got home.

a few minutes later, he phoned again and said, "what's this about?" i don't know. why? "dad wants to know if he has to be there." huh? "dad wants to know if he's supposed to come with us tonight." i told him that as far as i knew, it was just supposed to be the two of us. so my dad will go to my grandma's instead. i hung up the phone.

and now, as i am thinking about it, it was a strange question for my dad to ask. as far as i know, they're not even speaking to each other right now; why would she want him to come over with us?

there's something going on - something is amiss. he knows something we don't which means they've been talking. or communicating in some way. knowing my mom, she's just being over-dramatic about wanting to tell us something but then again, you never know.

weathered

i know i bitch about this whenever i get the chance but i hate it when it snows! i don't still live on the west coast because i was hoping for a climate change. i live here for the mild weather. a foot of snow on the cars is not mild. this is freaking ridiculous.

because i live by mostly side streets and gigantic hills, they don't bother clearing the streets or the sidewalks so this morning, i slipped my way to the train. i should've bought ice-skates instead of snow boots.

i don't mind the cold weather - i actually like how cold and crisp the air is. but enough of the damn snow. enough of the ice. enough of the skytrain malfunctions. enough of the buses not running because they haven't cleared the hills.

i mean it - if it's like this next year, i'm moving. to san diego.

on a different note, i am entertaining the idea of becoming a foster parent. i know that the kids that need fostering aren't angels but i think it's a good way to see whether or not i could actually handle being a parent while at the same time, helping out kids who need it. not that i have any room in my apartment to do this. "entertaining" the idea is really the only think i can do right now.

had coffee with MGF yesterday. nothing out of the ordinary was said or happened. nothing more to say. although, when i told him about that guy that i was MSNing with and then he never got in contact with me again (you know, the one that reminded me of my ex), he was a bit frustrated with me when i told him i e-mailed and phoned him. his said something to the effect of, "i wish you had phoned me for a consult first! you shouldn't have called him. men like the chase, even if they don't like the chase." again, i learn so much from him. he also chastised me for not applying for the paralegal position in his department. i don't know if i would like working with him - it would be with him too. when we went up to his office to get his stuff, he pointed to a small office across from his and said, "that would've been your office." as much as i would like my own office, my current desk is enormous; that office was tiny. i'll keep my desk, thanks.

but if i did leave my firm, which i won't, i would want to get into a bigger firm. apparently, BLG has a pension plan. and they currently have two litigation paralegal positions advertised. i'm not ready to leave my firm yet. but i'm "entertaining" the idea.

fixation

my coffee / after-work-bite-to-eat date with the persistent-but-not-pushy guy this evening was not unlike the temperature of my hot water when they switched the boiler tanks in my apartment building this summer: lukewarm.

i don't know if he was trying to be cool and not act like we'd never met before or what but when i walked up to him in front of the restaurant, he was very blase. gave me a one-armed, half-hearted hug (which we all know i hate) and the rest of the evening was chit chat, some discussion about our respective families, our jobs, the weather. one or two references to us getting together again but when we parted ways, he said, "let's keep in touch and maybe we can do this again," which translates into, "not going to call you."

don't get me wrong; i felt no chemistry with him. but once again, i wonder whether it's me. do i take that good of a picture that when they meet me in person, it's a disappointment? did i talk too much? not enough? did it seem like i wasn't interested in what he had to say? admittedly, i don't bend over backward to impress someone; that's just not my style. i always figure if we get along then everything else should come naturally. should i have more of a fighting impulse? should i be more aggressive?

i have a coffee date with MGF tomorrow afternoon. i know he will tell me the truth so i'm going to ask him what kind of impression i make. perhaps it's not a fair question since, at one point, he did like me enough to date me so he's probably a little biased. who else could i ask?

i know what you might say to all of this ranting; that it's not me, it's him. but at some point, i have to wonder, "it can't always be them so maybe it IS me..."

at this point, i don't care. there's a new "House" on tonight :)

on the other fixation point, ever since i read my journals, i've been thinking about 4M. a lot. i've been very, very, very close to calling him on his old cell phone number (like it's still the same one from 8 years ago but then again, mine is). like, phone in my hand, dialing the first three numbers-close. i've looked him up in the phone book and there are only two possible entries. this is all assuming that he: a) still lives in vancouver; and b) is in the phone book. i can't get him out of my head. i mean, there are a lot of guys that i've had crushes on over the past few years but i don't think of them much anymore. but 4M.... every so often, he pops into my head and then stays there for awhile. i'll see something that reminds me of him or i'll hear a song that reminds me of him. i think i just want to know if i pop into his head every now and then too. maybe. maybe not.

p.s. one of our girls on mat leave brought her baby in today. he's 4 1/2 months old and what a cutie! everyone said he really took to me and, let's face it, i was the only one that was able to get him to belly-laugh. just call me the Baby Whisperer.

skewed memories

yesterday, i decided to hack into my old journal file (well, one of them) that i had on disk. i know i have other ones but the disks may be lost forever now. anyway, i found four disks that had some of my stuff on it. one disk of poetry (which wouldn't open - luckily the originals are in a binder under my bed), two disks of short story drafts (only two drafts but they weren't bad for a 22 year old who thought she had seen it all) and one disk that had my new years resolutions from 1999 and my journal. i knew i would have trouble opening my journal as i always set passwords to open them and, wouldn't you know it, i threw away my password book when i moved (just another argument for packrattedness!). throughout the course of my evening, i read my short stories - a couple of which i might try to run with again - and chatted with a new guy on MSN (i've actually been avoiding him and was hoping he'd just get tired of waiting and stop contacting me - nice eh? - but he's persistent, but not pushy, so i'm finally meeting him on tuesday - i promise this time!) and intermittently, i tried every password i could possibly remember from six years ago. you can imagine how successful i was. until, late in the evening, long after MSN conversations had ended and after my movie was finished, i sat down and tried a few more passwords. i finally cracked it and my journal (from 1997 to 2001) opened up. and i read it - not every single entry but the ones i wanted to remember. mainly, the ones that involved 4M and of course, my Ex.

lemme tell ya, the memory works in mysterious ways. for the longest time, I was sure 4M initiated all of the shenanigans that happened the night of the game but it turns out, some of the really bad stuff was started by me. i read how not careful we were about keeping it a secret at work - that i remembered but what i didn't remember was that it actually started over that summer. the flirting was rampant over that summer but it all came to head at the game. amazing what alcohol will do, eh? i read over all of the sweet things he said to me and that i was smitten enough to have recorded in my journal and not surprisingly, it made me miss him. it made me really think about him and what he was doing now. i won't try to contact him but that doesn't mean i don't want to. he's probably completely bald now but he'll still have those amazing eyes and that perfect mouth. hmmm.

as for my Ex... i was unhappy for so long! why did i put up with it? why did i let myself be fooled by the pockets of happiness that were becoming increasingly rare? of course, i can look back now with a critical and impartial eye and see that he stopped putting effort into the relationship no less than two years in but i still stuck around for another year and a bit! that's me: always wanting to fix something that can't be fixed. stubborn.

i also enjoyed reading about my pursuit of Shtiny Jim. i was so on that year - meeting new people, unabashed flirting. what happened to me? how did i become so reserved and cautious? i wish i had kept entries about the two years following my breakup with the Ex. those years were a pretty wild ride, at least by the standards i set for myself (which we all know are different than the ones i unilaterally set for other people). since then, i think i've kept a pretty low profile. maybe that's my problem. or maybe, it's not a problem at all.

so, a week after the fact, here are my New Years' Resolutions (in no particular order):

1) Eat better and exercise more regularly;
2) Get out and meet people while doing fun things;
3) Live within my means (i.e. don't buy stupid things i don't need) and save more money
4) Learn something new this year (whether it be a skill or a hobby)
5) Keep better contact with friends and family.

or, to put it in another way, stop being a hermit...that likes to shop too much. :)

happy new year!

happy, new year?

went to an open house/housewarming at a friend's house on the 30th. i was hoping i would catch Dutch there. he's my friend's husband's best friend. we met at a bowling event the girls put together with the hubbies about three years ago and Jen had decided to invite some of her hubby's single guy friends. Dutch was the one i was interested in but he was only lukewarm to me. i never pursued it. but i'd end up seeing him or bumping into him in the weirdest places that didn't have any relation to my friendship with Jen. dragonboat races. beer festivals. at the mall. walking down the street at work. and he never remembers where he knows me from. he knows i look familiar. he knows he knows me from somewhere. but he can never place me. last year at their Christmas party, i was chatting with him at the buffet table (where else would i be?) and he asked me where i ended up after practicum. i told him the cross-streets where i worked and he said, "which building?" as fate would have it, he works in the building right next door to mine. no wonder i see him wandering around ever now and then.

anyway, this time around, it was getting to the point in the evening when i didn't think i'd see him at all. i had been there mingling for about an hour and a half when the people that i knew finally came. and i didn't even see when he came in but he did. i was standing with Tiger at the buffet table (where else would i be?) and up walks Tiger's hubby and Dutch. Tiger introduces herself and then Dutch looks at me and says, "and i think we've met but i'm sorry, i don't remember your name..." so i told him and he said, "of course, at bowling right?" Tiger pipes in, "we haven't gone bowling in a long time! we should go again soon." and Dutch heartily agrees. we stood there and made small talk for a bit and then he got called away. over the course of the rest of the night, we exchanged some fleeting glances but that was about it for interaction. there was one instance where someone asked me if i wanted a drink and Dutch made a comment about me needing some tequila but it fell on deaf ears (except i heard it). when he left, he remembered my name and said, "i'm sure i'll see you again soon." he has a girlfriend.

i had some of my single girlfriends over for new years last night, including one home from NY for the holidays. it was nice. my apartment is so clutter-free right now, i'm thinking of having people over every weekend, just so it stays that way. it's so nice to see the floor in my den again! my dining set is here now and i put it together by myself on friday morning. it looks really nice and it pits the space ferfectly. :)

anyway, new years was low-key, which i was hoping for. i had some appies and some champagne. we sat around and talked for awhile and then we watched "little miss sunshine" (which i had seen about a week or so ago but i loved steve carrell in this movie so i willingly watched it again. plus the end scene was worth it!) and then finished the movie in time for us to watch a bit of Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve 2007 and then toast in the new year. which brings me to my post du jour.

it doesn't feel like a new year. i didn't even bother with my tradition of writing my top ten resolutions after midnight. they're the same every year anyway (at least, the first four or five usually are). i think i'm just feeling off. not even blah because i'm not sad or depressed. i'm tired. i'm not bored. i'm listless. i've been away from work for 10 days and i haven't missed it once (normally i'm longing to go back after day 5). i don't want to go to work tomorrow. i want to stay home and sit on the couch and watch DVDs all day. it sounds like depression but it doesn't feel like it. i'm not sad. it's weird. i don't know what i am.

holy crap, my apartment is so tidy right now!!!

holy f.

my mom phones me at 9:oo this morning, first on the land line, then on the cell phone. i was still sleeping. when i finally pick up both messages about 30 minutes later, there's a dire tone to her voice. normally, i wouldn't phone her back until i had breakfast and was out of my "morning grump". but i'm afraid something bad's happened. so, i phone her back. she says, "help me! i've started my Christmas baking and i don't have everything i need." so she wants me to borrow a list of things from my dad AND buy some stuff from the store. and she wants me to pick them up and deliver them to her. should i remind you that she lives a block from my dad and i live about 10 minutes walking-distance away?

FUCK YOU! you wake me up because you weren't smart enough to figure out that lemon sugar cookies may require some sort of grating device for the rind? that if you're making a bunch of different kinds of cookies, you may require cookie cooling racks? that if you're making Rolo cookies, you may need the fucking Rolos?

merry fucking christmas. what the fuck. in any event, i just phoned my dad's house and no one's home. hopefully, he'll be out all day. that will teach her to read just what she needs for ingredients and not what she needs for hardware.

fuck, fuck, fuck.

it's beginning to look a lot like...

i did some Christmas shopping today. i was actually intending to go grocery shopping but i got this overwhelming desire to buy more decorations and toys for my two little nieces so i veered away from the direction of save-on and towards winners.

i spent at least an hour and a half looking for toys that weren't useless and didn't put the wrong ideas into the kids' heads. my one niece is 7 (or did she just turn 8? i'm losing track) and the other one is just 2. everything they had for 7 year olds was all that Bratz crap, with the little dolls wearing dark lipstick and whore clothes, driving convertibles and talking on cell phones. no thanks. my niece picked up on the whole "britney spears" thing when she was five or six and the results were disturbing (think of a 6 year old lipsynching to "Baby, One More Time" and crawling around on the floor like some sort of karaoke stripper - can you say 'creepy'?). don't get me wrong - i'm not against buying girly toys for her but not ones that advocate children wearing makeup, high heels and adult-style clothes made in children's sizes. it's arguable that she already does that.

i did end up buying her one of those giant Barbie heads where you can style her hair (brush, clip, braid and what have you). T was talking about buying her 8 year old niece that for Christmas because she was begging for it so i guess it must be something that girls this age like. the other niece, i bought a toy that she would find fun but is also a developmental toy. actually, the back of the box says that some of the skills kids learn are, "hand-eye coordination, grasping, keeping busy and hitting." i thought the last one was hilarious and it was even funnier when i saw the exact same toy by the same company (but with bed bugs instead of mice) but the back of the box conveniently left out the "hitting" reference. anyway, it's a whack-a-mole type of toy so she gets to hit things, maybe get out some baby-aggression, and have some fun at the same time.

for me, i bought another wreath (it was too cute not to buy and it was only $13), which is hanging on my den door on the too-small $2 wreath holder i bought from the dollar store, and a Christmas stocking (although it will be empty when i wake up on Christmas day...). i'm inadvertently creating a "snowman" theme in my apartment as my new wreath has a snow-family sitting on it (all dressed up in scarves and hats - so cute!) and my stocking has a snowman on it. kind of funny for someone who really doesn't like the snow.

i can't believe it's almost Christmas. i'm already thinking about my vacation next year. there are so many things i want to do and it all requires a bit of creative saving and financial restraint on my part. i want to go to mexico in the next four months for a nice, week-long, all-inclusive beach holiday. or, i'd like to use my airmiles and visit my cousin in san francisco. or, i'd like to save up and finally visit my friend in NY (and finally visit NY!). or, i'd like to really save up and meet up with my friend from south africa in two years, although he's thinking of selling his flat and buying a house soon so he may not be able to meet me. in that case, i'd have to really, really save up (money and time off) and meet him in SA. that would be cool. they have beaches there too. or, i'd like to get a dog. but that would keep me in one place for a very long time.

decisions, decisions. oh well, they're easy to make when you're just dreaming :)

you know you want it

so, i'm sitting in the lunchroom and A sits in front of me. after some idle chit chat with the new student, A says, "so, the OC called last night." i said, "oh, yeah." she said, "he was asking about you." i said, "oh? what did he have to say?" and she said, "he was wondering why he hadn't heard from you. so i told him you'd found much more interesting people to spend time with and that he was old news." i smiled. then she told me he was on saltspring.

what a dork he is. maybe if he made some effort to keep in touch with me, i would keep in touch with him.

still no word from my ex-double. maybe he's in a hospital somewhere, battling pneumonia. maybe he's passed out on the floor of his apartment from a high fever. or maybe, as greg would say, he's just not that into you.

i found this fantabulous book at the library today. it's called "historica - 1000 years of our lives and times". it's right up my alley - a thousand years of history condensed into 500 page coffee-table book. i sent it to my brother as a "hint hint" for christmas. hopefully, if the General decides to give me a gift again this year, it's a GC to Chapters and not the Body Shop again. there was also this lovely arthur erickson coffee table book that had his most well-known designs and buildings. i don't care what anyone says - i think his style is great.

things are not going so well with the new girl. i was really hoping she would have caught on by now but she's still having trouble with the computer programs we use. i know i shouldn't expect her to be like me - i fool around on computers and different programs so i know how to navigate my way through things. but she's looking for digital transcription files on Word and she keeps closing her e-mail/document management system when that's the one thing she should always be referring to. i can tell she's knowledgeable with procedural matters but she just doesn't have the hang of the computer yet and that's really the help that's most required. i think i billed a total of 4 hours today because most of my day was spent helping her do things that i had showed her how to do before and that she had written down how to do. it's not even that - she's not using her common sense to figure out problems. let's face it - finding something on the computer is just common sense. today, she called me over to look at an e-mail the General had sent her. the e-mail said to take the changes from the attached document and make them in redline on the document we had on the system. she showed me the e-mail (with the attachment unopened) and said, "i don't understand - i can't see the changes anywhere. where am i supposed to make them and how do i make them red?" she never even thought to open up the attachment or read the entire e-mail to see what the attachment was. i don't know. hopefully, it gets better soon because i'm getting busier.

i don't know

a couple of weeks ago, i received 12 free credits from my dating site to "come back" and put up another profile. so, i did. i used my 12 free credits (actually, i ended up getting a freebie so it was actually 18 credits) but none of the guys ever got in contact with me. figures.

this one guy who didn't send me a smile and didn't try to IM me sent me an e-mail with his backstage pictures and basically just said he liked my profile and would i like to chat sometime. i read his profile (his picture was hidden) and he seemed nice enough, although didn't have the tons and tons of interests that most guys have, which was oddly refreshing. he basically liked going out for dinner to different places and had travelled extensively. at that point, i could've taken it or left it. then, i opened up his backstage pictures. holy F, is he hot. blue, blue eyes, dark curly hair. we'll get back to his looks in just a moment.

i immediately e-mailed him with my MSN contact information and i added him to my list of contacts, even though i'm never online to chat. i hate it; it's a waste of time. you sit there for three hours, typing, when you could easily chat on the phone or meet up for a drink. anyway, i made the exception for him because he's so incredibly good looking...and nice.

we had about three or four very lengthy chats, and each time it was really fun. he had good stories, remembered stuff i told him (although he could've been reading the message history but i'll give him the benefit of the doubt), and we had similar interests in things. he sent me all of this music he thought i would like and that he was into and most of it was really good. a couple of the songs he sent me have made it onto my iPod.

the last time we chatted, he gave me his number and i returned the favour by giving him mine. he had the flu. that was the night of my christmas party. i haven't seen him online since. i sent him a quick e-mail in the middle of last week, just asking him how he was. no response. i plucked up the courage and phoned him on sunday afternoon and left a voicemail. no response. so, he's either dead or he's lost interest. either way, i'm not sure how i feel about it (ok, if he's dead, which i hope he isn't, then i'd be sad for him. but you know what i mean.)

on the one hand, yeah i'm disappointed! we had good chemistry (well, it was over MSN which i don't think is the best way to judge but it's all i have). he's interesting. he's cute. he's funny in that dry, English way (he's a Londoner by birth but lived in the States for his adult life). he was in a very long term relationship but has been out of it for 2 1/2 years (i.e. he's ready...and hence why he's so hot but still single!). he seemed to be really interested in me and getting to know stuff about me. and then, silence. was it because i didn't phone him? he didn't phone me. but then again, he was sick.

on the other hand (and i hate to say this because i want to believe that it was him that i was really interested in), almost everything about him reminded me of my ex. his dark curly hair. the way he smiles in pictures. his sensitive yet no-nonsense approach to conversation (it makes sense to me, ok?). he's even a computer guy for crying out loud! in fact, the other day, i was thinking in my head, "i wonder if he is ever going to call me or e-mail me again," but instead of thinking his name, i thought my ex's name. bad, right? i know.

i'm telling you this now because after a week of not hearing from him or seeing him online, i know that ship has sailed so there is no possibility of "jinxing" it because it's already done. and even if it wasn't, he leaves for london on friday for a three-week visit home. and let's face it, he's here on a work visa. his project is done in february and he said that he's not sure whether he's going to stay on the west coast, although his company offered to pay for his landed immigrant status (he's a British/US citizen). his company has branches in NY and Chicago. he could move back there. why do i bother?

back to the drawing board.

pavlov

i now know why growing up, i was so miserable. my parents are no fun to be with when they're together. i got a call from the dad this morning, asking if i could drive him and the mother to the insurance place to get his car insurance switched over to his name. i asked him why he needed a ride. it was obvious he didn't want to go with her by himself.

we went to go pick her up and he was in good spirits. the minute we drive up to her building and he sees she's not waiting for us (even though she'd just called and he said we'd leave to pick her up right then), he immediately got irritated. she got in the car and said, "hello" to him. he grunted. i thought, "WTF have i gotten myself into?" i was so cranky the whole trip and it was a total of about 15 minutes. my mom decided to walk home in the rain. not that it was far but i'm sure she didn't want to be anywhere near him. he perked right up after she left.

i cannot believe the two of them survived being married to each other for 30 years. what were they thinking? if they can survive that kind of emotional punishment, they can survive just about anything.

holy F, no wonder i'm happier being alone. i don't ever want to deal with a partner who is anything like either of them. miserable, miserable.

on a happier note, last night, very impromptu, i decided to go to the new west bar association Christmas dinner. i'm not a member nor do i attend meetings but Sam's always on me to come and join them and so last night, i did. i did know a few people there so it wasn't completely uncomfortable and since i haven't been out in awhile, i chatted quite amiably with my table-mates (only two of the eight i actually knew). i only planned to stay for dinner but ended up closing the place down. the dancing was so much fun - as much as last week's dancing was fun, there is something to be said about a DJ that knows the right songs to play to get people to dance. and, he played "Thriller" for me! to top it all off, it was held at the Hart House in Deer Lake Park, which is this beautiful old tudor-style mansion-turned-restaurant. i didn't to see the entire restaurant but what i did see was so quaint and so nice.

a side note - i think there is something going on with Sam and the Ninja. not anything like their previous relationship but it's obvious that feelings are still there (when the DJ played "Dancing Queen", Sam yelled out, "FUCK ABBA!", obviously because the Ninja loves ABBA). she had asked him to get people from the firm to come out to the dinner and asked him to ask me to come but he never mentioned anything and when i confronted him about it later, he said, "oh, are you going to go?" things aren't going as planned with her and her new love so i think she's regressing (is that a word? it looks funny) back to her old one. i'd rather have her be with the Ninja but he's got get his act together.

my dad and i just finished hanging my Christmas lights. they look so nice! actually, my place is starting to come together slowly. of course, it will never look the way i want it to because i would have to get rid of all of my junk before that happened. i wonder if that chest of drawers is still at that little store on columbia. i might check it out tomorrow.

but really, i should buy a dining room table first.

the season

we had the firm Christmas party last night. the skit was a hit. i was so happy. i mean, you know how i get about creative things like this - i start to get really possessive of my work and i get "uncomfortable" when my cohorts in the execution want to change things once i've gotten everything the way i want it. ok, i'm a bit of a control freak, which is why i don't like to spearhead these sorts of things. a friend of mine was giving me shit for being so secretive, calling me a snob and ridiculous for wanting to keep it secret. i finally said to her in mid-whine, "oh, get over it! you can't always get what you want when you want it. i'm not your husband." that shut her up.

the beginning of the day was rough. Jax had sent out the e-mail to all participants about what they were being asked to do. the General sent her one back that said, "you've got to be kidding me." and A was being such a grump about it. for someone who is always on me to participate and have fun, she certainly wasn't happy about doing the skit. and she's an amateur ballroom dancer anyway but she refused to dance. oy. i had another girl playfully threatening me all day with revenge next year (her dance with one of the partners turned out to be my favorite, although i'm not sure that the traditional chacha has pole dancing in it but it was funny!).

no one really knew what was going to happen when we assembled. we handed out my professional pamphlets, with judges' bios and descriptions of the dance and what to look for, and set up my powerpoint slide show. all in all, the dances were entertaining, the judges' comments were really good, and everyone was laughing. really, that's all i wanted.

then, we got our Christmas gifts from the partners to the staff. last year, we got these beautiful cuff-style silver bracelets with a native animal picture engraved into it. this year, we got $125 gift certificates to Spa Utopia. let's just say, all the women were going crazy. it was a very nice gift!

we went to this little italian restaurant for dinner and dancing. dinner was good but i had a big bowl of pasta for lunch (not intentional - i went out for lunch the day before and left my lunch from home in the fridge) so i wasn't really hungry. but there was a cheesy italian trio playing everything from italian polkas to billie jean. it was so much fun. i danced with the General - i don't think i could've gotten out of it politely but it was fine. i tend to like to lead so it was hard just letting him lead me because surprisingly, he wasn't a strong lead. i've danced with guys who know how to lead and it just makes you want to follow. it was a lot of fun. i hope we go somewhere with dancing next year too.

well, the snow has finally let up, the streets are now safer to drive so i'm heading off to find me some Christmas decorations!

snow day

it's snowing. it's been snowing since yesterday afternoon. and it hasn't stopped. i may not all have stuck but it's still snowing. unbelieveable.

it was a lazy day today. i had every intention of cleaning my apartment and doing some winter cleaning but my back still hurts and i spent most of the day writing and preparing the slide show for the skit on friday. it looks quite good, although i wish we had better pictures for some people.

i finally turned on the tv at 8 to flip around, maybe watch a CSI if it was on or maybe watch one of the DVDs i borrowed from the library last week when all of a sudden, on the CBC, i saw that "love, actually" was playing. i had tuned in just as the wedding was ending so i hadn't missed much. and i can't stop myself from watching it. i own it and yet i would rather watch it (again) on tv than watch a CSI episode that i haven't seen. what is it about this movie?

ah, i know what it is. we all know what it is.

google me

i just googled myself and i came up with a thread on a cannabis website. my full name and all. my first thought was, "WTF?"

it turns out, some pothead took offense to my letter to the editor of 24hrs newspaper this summer and cut and posted it onto this discussion thread. they took it slightly out of context, however. they seem to think that just because i'm defending the police for trying to keep the public safe that i'm also anti-legalization. dumb fucks. i'm only offended because some guy called me delusional. them's fightin' words!

basically, i responded to a letter from a woman who said that the police are wasting the public's money by raiding grow ops because pot smokers are peaceful and would never hurt anyone. i responded with a, "yes, you're right. pot smokers probably couldn't stay upright long enough to hurt anyone. but the ultimate suppliers i.e. the grow operators and not the dealers) employ many methods of protection to keep their investments safe - vicious dogs, guards who assault people and people that use guns." (i was much more eloquent in my actual letter but you get my point)

i will return the guy's favor by posting his letter that he sent but obviously didn't get printed (maybe because he was high when he wrote it or maybe because he can't spell):

dear editors, your email writer, makes the case herself. We should legalize and end all the harm and costs. unfortunately your writer is delusional as her world doesn't really exist out side of her mind. you have a better chance of being harmed by the machinery of prohibition (police, jail, stigma, lost assets, lost job, etc) than you do from some anti-prohibitionists protection scheme , that harms only robbers of their products. there are no drive-by shootings at liquor stores because they are protected by the police force we all pay for. its too bad we are not all afforded the same rights in this country. NO DRUGS ARE SOLD AT GUN POINT THEY ARE VOLUNTEERINGLY RECEIVED some of your readers were spoiled, self centered, tattal-tailing children as they grew up and it seems they are the same as adults.

i'm not sure which world he is speaking of when he says my world doesn't really exist. does he mean the world of grow ops and the means operators take to protect them? i worked with freaking Crown for four years and i can tell you that my world does exist and there are color pictures to prove it. i concede that his world also exists but, quite obviously, in a cloud of second-hand smoke.

when will we learn?

i got a phone call today at work from a friend of mine. i was a bit surprised to hear from her as she doesn't often call me. whenever we get together, it's always fun, but she often does things with her boyfriend and their couple friends. her bf is actually how i met her - we used to work together. they are the ones i cat-sat for when i was staying in yaletown.

anyway, she said, "so you know we broke up..." my jaw dropped. this is the couple i ... nay, everyone ... thought were literally created for each other. the couple that was always stealing kisses and holding hands and making faces at each other. they bought their apartment together three years ago. they went to jamaica earlier this year and they just got back from a month-long jaunt in europe. and she kicked his ass out of their apartment friday after last. WTF?

we had a three-hour long coffee together after work. she seemed very together but obviously needed to vent. so i let her. i didn't say much (she said it all) and i learned a lot of things i didn't know. for one, i always thought he was loving and caring and totally spoiled her. she says he ruined their europe trip (where she celebrated her 30th birthday) by being sullen and grumpy. for her birthday, he complained about everything they did and didn't even give her a gift or anything to unwrap when she woke up. despite what i ... nay, everyone! ... thought, they only have sex once a month and it's only because she has to ask him for it.

i feel bad because i was going to tell her about my observations at new years (when he was grinding with another friend of ours) but i didn't have to - the other couple we were with told her about it. and after she broke up with him (after, not the cause of the breakup), he told her he cheated on her a year and a half ago. they broke up the friday before last and he tolder her about his infidelities just this past saturday. how hurtful can you be?

she sat there for three hours, rhetorically asking me how she could've been such a fool. we all know why. i know why i was such a fool for my ex and i know why she was such a fool for hers.

you believe he is going to become something better than what he is. you believe that if you love him enough, if you give him what he wants (sex, space, attention, gifts, or what have you), that your over-compensation will make up for his lack of trying and that he will change for you. you blame yourself for the troubles in the relationship when he had just as much to do with it as you did. you hope that he doesn't really mean it when he says he doesn't want to get married and doesn't want to have children. you take it as a good sign that he wants to move in together and make financial commitments with you (i.e. buying a place together, taking big vacations).

i think the problem with relationships is that women tend to live in the future while men live in the present. if you're not in the same place to begin with, how can you get anywhere together?

breakups are hard. they suck, actually. i think my reluctance to connect with anyone in the past six years has something to do with the fact that i don't think i could take another big breakup if it came down to that. the last one sucked the soul out of me. i feel bad for what happened with my friends and, despite witnessing his indiscretions, i was shocked to hear they had actually split up. i won't take sides; i don't hate him for what he's done to her because he's suffering in his own way. he's an ass. he's a jerk. he's a fool (he said the sex wasn't even worth it - i say, if you're going to fuck up your relationship, go big!). but she chose to ignore her intuition.

and in the immortal words of shakespeare (or was it marvin gaye?), "it takes two, baby. me and you."

parachuting rodentia

everyone left at 4 a.m. i finally dragged my ass out of bed at almost 11 this morning.

the sprinkler guys (the first one) came by at about noon today. unannounced. they came in and assessed the situation. it looks like some sort of small animal chewed through the sprinkler pipe. i told them i heard scurrying in the ceiling about a week ago and i guess this is the product.

at this point, they need to let the glue dry for a full 24 hours so one sprinkler guy is coming back tomorrow at lunch time to test the sprinkler again. but that doesn't change the fact that there is a hole in my bathroom ceiling and a potential rodent running around that could fall through it!

i will hope that nothing happens and that whatever critter that chewed through the pipe has now moved on.

what bothers me most is that, while i have experience with squirrels in the attic, the sprinkler guy said that the teethmarks were too small and it was probably a mouse.

EEEEEEEEK!