detox

i was supposed to see him today at work. he said he'd likely be in, but he wasn't. he starts PLTC tomorrow and will be out of the office for the next 10 weeks. provided he doesn't attend the firm BBQ on the 24th or the mixer on he 30th, i guess the Crush-Detox starts now.

dancing fool

i went out dancing with a friend last night. she's new to the city and so it was easy to suggest places to go. she's just 30 this year, but still likes to go out dancing, so i figured she'll be the one i go to when my other friends fail me (which they always do).

we went to Cinema, which is part of the Donnelly Pub Group so i basically knew what to expect. i knew it would likely be a younger crowd and truly, i may have been the oldest patron there. i couldn't sing along to any of the songs (and what's to sing along to? they play 60 seconds of a song and then they remix something else in. what's up with that?), i wasn't falling over drunk at 11:00 p.m. (really? that's pretty early, kids), and i didn't have my smartphone in my hand, checking for texts and BBMs while i was dancing (again, really? is your attention span that short that you can't even enjoy a few minutes of dancing without getting updates from your friends at another club?). we lasted until 1:30 and then it was time to go.

at the start of the night, Nia suggested we should try a different club every week until we find one that suits us. but even as we walked back to her place, she said, "are there any clubs that have people more our age?"

the worst part is, i've never had much patience for the club-going crowd, even when i was young enough to be part of it. now that i'm ... gulp ... 8 years older than when i last went to clubs on a regular basis, i have less patience but am far more amused at the things that go on. the hook-ups, the girl drama, the guy bravado... all the same, but with different players and in a different decade. oy.

and my feet still hurt, all the way home. some things really do never change.

Poem: La Lune

Luminescent orb
Suspended in an inky-black sky
I’m in awe of your splendor
Simple and yet breathtaking
Where will you be tomorrow?
Peeking through the trees,
Hanging weightless above the water
Shining rays through my window as I welcome sleep.

In the morning, you’ll have faded
Against the backdrop of a new day.
Peering through the curtains
I can still see your outline
As you slowly descend into the west
Biding your time before it’s your turn again
Strong and silent, but beautiful to behold

growing up

i decided to do a bit of FB stalking and searched the Ex's name. i was expecting to see another photo of him kayaking or hiking. instead, i see his face, staring into the camera with a look of awe mixed with abject fear, holding a newborn baby.

growing up. crazy.

wrong!

maybe it's because i'm 2 days away from my monthly visitor, but i'm feeling particularly glum today. here's the background:

yesterday, i had a particularly inspired idea to e-mail Crush on FB and ask him to go to the Fair. at 2pm, i did so. at 4pm, i headed out to meet another friend, not having heard from him. when i got home at 8:30, i had an e-mail from him from 4:45, saying he probably wouldn't be able to make it out now as he was at his parents. he then asked if i ended up going. i said yes, and then, taking the opportunity, i said if he felt like going with me on tuesday, i could get him in for $5.00 because my credit union was sponsoring the day. or, i continued, i was going to ask him to go to a movie in the park on friday and gave him the link. did i mention my e-mail subject was "i don't have your number..."? guess what? i still don't.

he only came to see me once today and granted, it may have been because he was actually working, but the Cougar reported that he had come to talk to her about three or four times that day so i think i'm being avoided.

just for fun and because i'm a glutton for punishment, i popped by his office before i left for the day. i asked him how his weekend was and he proceeded to tell me about it in detail. he stayed in on saturday and just watched a movie (Shawshank!). it occurred to me that his low-key weekend could have been spent with a new lady friend. i have zero evidence of this, but you know how my mind runs.

i spent the rest of the afternoon on my ride home thinking about why i was feeling bad. i didn't feel bad about the invitations to do things (although, i guess three invites in one night may have been a bit much, granted). and when he came by to see me, someone else muscled their way in to tell me something sort-of work related (you'd think she'd see him there and take a hint, but nooooooo) and so he left and never returned. i never did see him wandering around the office, so perhaps he really was busy.

and then it occurred to me - i'm feeling bad because i was wrong, and i hate being wrong. i was wrong about who he was and how he felt about me. i was wrong to project what i wanted him to be on him and then get miffed because he wasn't behaving the way i wanted him to. i was wrong to have any expectations that things would work out in my favor, or any expectations at all. i was wrong to have jumped the gun, once again, and asked him out when i said i was going to at least wait until he left for PLTC before i made a final move. i hate being wrong!!! it sucks.

and now, i am feeling blue that i have to let this go so early on in my pursuit. you know me - i can't give up anything until i've thrown everything i have at it but i feel i have to now.

not that he isn't a great person but logically, he has made zero effort to ask me to do anything. i need someone with bigger cohones, you know? it may just be because he's shy but i don't think i can risk it. no, the next effort will have to be his if this infatuation is to continue. i shall not write further about it until he makes a step (i'll take any sized step too, but it has to be a step in my direction this time).

and BTW, why is he assuming i want to date him? maybe i just want to be friends. (yes, i'm assuming that he's assuming that i want to date him. i guess that makes asses out of both of us.).

up the river

i think i got sold up the river today.

yesterday, our accountant, whose office i sit outside of, was chatting with me about something or other and managed to ask me how i felt about Crush hanging out around my desk and we ended up talking about how he was so hard to read and blah blah blah. i figured it wouldn't make a difference if one other person other than Sands and BabyMan knew about it.

this afternoon, i was walking down the hall and Sands mouths to me, "call me!" i get back to my desk and phone her and she says, "Scrooge just told me he walked into Crush's office and said, 'i have it on good authority that if you were to ask CG out on a date, she'd say yes.'" i burst out laughing.

about an hour later, BabyMan phones me and says, "are you holding out on me?" i immediately hung up the phone, marched into his office and closed the door. we spent five minutes going back and forth saying, "you tell me what you know and i'll tell you what i know." we determined we knew the same thing. the only thing he's holding out on is what Crush's response was. although, he was awfully smiley so it was probably favourable. granted, why would Crush tell Scrooge what his plans were?

and now, i feel really bad. i mean, i didn't ask to be fodder but i can take the teasing. Crush, however, he didn't ask for this. okay, well, he does hang out at my desk an awful lot but he doesn't deserve actual advice.

don't get me wrong - i'm not embarrassed about it. i was going to lay all the cards out on the table, remember? someone else just stole my deck and laid them out for me, that's all.

i guess we'll see what happens.

whoa, nellie!

as in, "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair." does anyone actually believe me when i say that?

okay, i need to wash that man right out of my hair, that man being Crush. the wondering, the waiting, the looks, the hoping...it's slowly killing me. you know how i get. for the past week, i've been living in my head, which is a terrible place to be. i become this melancholy, sullen, unconsolable shell of a person and i hate that. i don't want to be that. i spent a good part of my 20s like that. my 30s are supposed to be better than that.

BabyMan brought up a good point the other day when he was really trying to make me feel better and encourage me. Crush is on a year-long interview - it wouldn't do for him to start dating one of the staff while he's trying to land himself a job. for this alone, i feel bad for even trying. granted, i do just want to start with being friends first but unfortunately, it doesn't ever seem to work that way.

he turned 30 on tuesday and, true to form, i couldn't resist myself. i put together a party hat, a birthday blower, a list of 30 quotes about turning 30, a flower necklace and a slice of cake with a 30th birthday candle and put it into a box labelled, "DIY Birthday-in-a-Box". i got to work at 7:30 to put all of these things together (i had to format the quotes and then put together the description of the items in the box). that's saying something, since these days i can't get myself to work by my required 8:00 am. i described each item and it's use (ex. "Chocolate cake - standard fare. Sharing is optional.") and when i got to the flower necklace, which i saved for last, i said, "Flower necklace - because I think everyone should get 'lei-d' on their birthday (although if you actually do, please don't tell me. it'd break my heart!"). oh yeah. i said it.

he was appropriately appreciative (i wish i could've seen his face when he walked into his office and saw it), and the next day, i noticed he had displayed the stuff i gave him around his office. the flower lei, i discovered, hangs on the knob behind his door. i thought that was cute.

but he's either been busy with work (shock and nerve!) or he's feeling like he needs to back off or something because this week, after the show, he hasn't been coming around as much. i miss him. i've been falling asleep at my desk because of the tedium!

he leaves for PLTC as of sept 13th. maybe the 10 weeks is what i need to just get over this infatuation. it's not like we can do anything about it right now. and maybe he doesn't want to. maybe he likes me but not enough to do anything about it. and what does that mean? he's just not that into me.

undaunted

i feel strangely undaunted by the events of this evening. Crush's friend ended up coming to the show. he had phoned me and said he'd be leaving the office at about 6:30 or 7 and would be walking to the venue. i told him my plan was to park near the office and take the bus down but if i got there before he left, i would walk with him.

when i got to the office, i was just about to push the elevator button when one opened. out Crush came. i went in the elevator and he told me that he was going to meet his friend. i said i would meet him at the venue. that was my first "huh." of the night.

i ended up taking the bus to the venue just because it'd be faster and lord help me if i ended up walking behind them. i was seated for about 10 minutes and they arrived. she was adorable. dark, almost black hair and turquoise blue eyes. cute as a button and nice. he sat in between us and she and i ended up chatting over him. they chatted, he and i chatted, she and i chatted. if i were assessing the situation, i would have to say that he did make an effort to include me in conversation. i would put in my two bits in their conversations but basically, i felt like someone who ended up sitting beside two people who knew each other.

during intermission, i had to go to the loo. she got up to get food and asked him if he was going to stay there. he said he'd go walk around. he walked ahead and she and i chatted about feeling old (because the average age of the musical's cast was probably 20). i branched off and braved the port-o-potties and met them back at the seats.

when the show was over, all three of us got up to leave and they led the way. she looked like she was making an effort to walk ahead of us and he looked like he was torn between hanging back to walk with me and walk up with her. second "huh." of the night.

when we got to the top exit, they looked like they were heading towards the road. i said, "are you guys gonna walk back?" and she said, "i'm going to," and she looked at Crush, who asked me if i drove. i told him i parked by the office and i said i'd just take the bus back. the girl gave me a look, almost imploring ("huh." #3) but i said that it was already 10 and the bus would get me back faster than walking. i told her it was nice to meet her and i am quite certain i saluted him and said, "see you tomorrow." i don't have a poker face and i'm not sure what look i gave him but that was the end of the night.

and yet, despite how nutso i was yesterday (and this morning, to be honest), i don't feel like this has been a set-back at all. i just shows me that i need to step back and he needs to man up. he's interested in me - i'd bet money on it - and for me to say that, you know it's obvious, but thus far, it's been me prodding him along. i will take my psychic's advice (and the advice of all of my girls so far) and now that this night is done, leave it up to him to make the next move.

as far as i can analyze, i don't feel i did anything improper tonight, as in i don't feel like i was being sulky in not being with him, if that makes any sense. his intention was to take this girl and his brother's girlfriend to the show. the latter bowed out and i bought the ticket from him. his objective wasn't to go to the show with me, and by not even suggesting that we walk together or pick up his friend together and then all walk there, says to me that he didn't see this evening as us going to the show together. he saw it as him going to the show with is friend and that i would be there too. i was pleasant and chatty but i didn't try to insert myself between them because i didn't feel i was "with" them. i was a third wheel, but it's okay. truly.

i am now very glad i left my business card for our cute server this morning. haven't done that in a long time but he, he hugged me and told me he loved me. he deserved it. :)

out of my head

i feel like a complete lunatic right now. i am going out of my head and it's all my fault! again! you think by now, i would have learned my lesson about obsessing and over-thinking and over-anticipating but nooooo...

Crush and i are going out tomorrow. not on a date. he had an extra ticket to see an outdoor show tomorrow night and it was one i really wanted to see so i offered to buy it from him. we had talked about this show over lunch one day. he had mentioned he was online looking at tickets and i mentioned that i wanted to see it and asked him who he was going with. he told me but of course, didn't ask me to go. clueless boys.

fast forward about an hour later and he's at my desk (of course), telling me that he bought the tickets but then was advised by his intended invitees that they weren't available on the date he chose. i didn't invite myself. not yet.

a couple of days later, he brings up the show again and says that he won't bother going and that he'll just give the tickets away or something. i should've said, "i'll go with you," but instead wanted to make it seem like i wasn't trying to snag a date with him (dumbass), and said i would buy one of the tickets from him. luckily, he intimated that this meant i wanted to go with him and not just save myself the trouble of going online to buy a ticket for myself. phew.

before i left for the day yesterday, i wrote my phone number on a post-it note and bravely walked into his office, handed it to him and said, "in case you need to call...or, if you want to go for a drink beforehand or something...." he took it and said he'd likely be at the office for the day but said he'd call me.

at 9:30 that night, he sent me a friend request on FB. i don't know why he waited until now, but he did. i accepted it this morning and i spent most of my day looking through his pictures. getting him into my head. crafting scenarios (the best one - parking my car downtown and taking the bus into Stanley Park. then when it's time to leave, he'll say, "where'd you park?" and i'll say, "at the IGA - i didn't want to try to find parking here." and he'll say, "do you want to walk together then?" and I'll say, "why yes, on this lovely, moonlit night, i'd love to walk with you." and then we'd amble our way through the downtown core to my car, talking about the show and life. crud. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccckk.

and now, i'm feeling completely wild. i have butterflies both in my stomach and they're currently travelling up my throat, and it's more than 18 hours until i'm to see him. we're not even going together to the show - i think i'm just meeting him there, if he even goes! oy. i so want this to be a date but it isn't. cripes, there may even be someone else with us and then i'll be the third wheel. wheeeeee! argh. ARGH!!!!

this is why i don't date. i like him too much. i know how i am. if this doesn't go well, i'll be miserable. work will be unbearable. he'll end up dating someone else and i'll be maniacal. insane with jealousy and regret.

someone should just commit me now and save us all the trouble. argh. i feel physically ill now - can you imagine if it were an actual date?

on the upside, i may be tortured enough to start writing again. look on the bright side of life, yes?

read handed

wandering around the Penticton Farmers' Market, A and I happened upon a palm reader. after my experience with a tarot card reader in Victoria, i was very skeptical and didn't want to fork over $17 (it was one read for $20 or two reads for $35). but A had never had her palms read and, since she's actually more frugal than i am, the fact that she was willing to pay the $17 meant that she really wanted to do it. so we did.

and suzie (a delightful but apparently deodorant-challenged Hungarian palm-reader) was nearly bang on. she read my palms and said that i was wasting my creative talents by not doing anything with them. she said that i was the type to hold a grudge and wallow in it. she said that i grew attached to people easily and that it was hard for me to say goodbye if and when the time came. and she said that although i could be a laid-back person, i tended to let things build up until i exploded. in fact, i believe her exact words were, "you're an aggressive person." i laughed until she explained herself, and then i realized she was right. she described me as someone not to be crossed because when i finally lose it, it's going to be big and there will be carnage. okay, not exactly in those words but that was the gist. and she said i was wasting my creative talent, did i mention that? she did. about 20 times. i think it's time for me to start taking my art seriously again. whatever my art is.

she suggested that i scan my palms and then when the lines change, it's time to get them read again. did you know they change? and that the left hand (or your less dominant hand) represents your potential and the other hand represents you, now?

tomorrow, i see the psychic again. it's a spiritual kind of week.

gifts from heaven

my Lola passed away at 05:40 on sunday morning, a few day shy of her 90th birthday. i can't remember if i wrote about it before, but she had suffered a stroke between Christmas and boxing day past, and hasn't been the same since. she was basically in palliative care for the first few days. they even brought in the priest to administer last rites. but she hung on. stubbornness isn't just on one side of my family.

last week, my mom said she took a turn for the worst. i don't know about you, but i don't know how much worse you can get if you're already hooked up to a catheter, feeding tube and morphine 24/7. and then she stabilized. a fighter.

i think she was tired of fighting, because she left us for greener pastures, higher plains, a better place, whatever you want to call it. she decided she was ready.

my mom phoned me at 6 a.m. i've never had a call at 6 a.m. before, so i basically knew that it was bad news. i wasn't surprised and i didn't feel sad. i was relieved that she wasn't suffering anymore. i got up and sat on the couch and started to watch the news. and then i started to cry.

you know how i feel about crying at the death of someone who has lived a full and complete life - i feel that we're crying for our loss, not theirs. it's not them we feel sorry for; it's us. for me, it was guilt. i haven't seen my Lola since before she was transferred to her care home in january. but the last time i saw her, she was cognizant and she told me she loved me. i think that's a pretty good memory to be left with.

that's why when my mom phoned an hour later and said that they were going to the home to say goodbye and did i want to come, i burst into tears and said, "i don't want to see her like that." she understood. almost everyone was there (and i say that lightly, because this is my dad's family we're talking about. there are a lot of them).

instead, i stayed home and decided to Skype my brother so he wouldn't find out about her death from a status update on Facebook. he asked me right away, "why are you up so early?" and i'm not one to mince words when it comes to this sort of thing so all i said was, "i have bad news. Lola Mama's gone." it was hard to see him cry, but i didn't want him to find out on the phone or through e-mail and then have to deal with it alone. at least being on Skype, you're face to face. we talked for about an hour. he's coming home on Saturday for the funeral on Tuesday.

i was sketchy yesterday evening when we went to my aunt's house for the first night of the Novena. my cousin, Ash, came up to gave me a hug and i lost it. i was weepy when i got home too. i knew this Lola's death would be the worst for me because she was the one i knew the best, the one that used to live with me and take care of me.

i wasn't sure i'd be able to go to work today. i felt so sad this morning but i managed to actually get out of the house on time so i thought i'd see how it went and if i couldn't hold it together throughout the day, i'd just go home.

standing on the skytrain, i felt sad. i looked sad. everything was glum. and then we got to Broadway station and the guy that i had smiled at...twice...just before the Olympics walked onto my car. and we made eye contact. and i kept trying to catch his eye and was successful at least twice. i thought hard about fishing out one of my business cards, scrawling the word "Coffee?" on it and handing it to him as i left the train. by the time we approached my station, i had my purse open and was looking for a pen.

and then i realized, as he smiled at me again and my gloom lifted almost entirely, that his appearance was a gift from my Lola. it was her telling me to stop being sad and to remember the living as much as the dead. his smile made me smile and it made me feel happy again.

okay, maybe it was just a coincidence that i saw him. but it certainly makes me feel better to think that my Lola is watching over me, trying to orchestrate something good from where she is.

superfox

not surprisingly, i was going a little out of my mind last night. i got to the point where i was googling "shy guy behaviour" and reading endless posts from said shy-guys and the women that love them, and trying to see any similarities in their situations and mine. i am also hormonal, which does not help.

so, i did what i always do when i am feeling particularly frantic about dating and men and relationships. i turned to the bible of greg and liz, "He's Just Not That Into You." and i read the first chapter again: "He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out." and they reminded me of the things that i forget or that i talk myself out of or convince myself i should do because i don't want to wait: that i should not try to trick him into asking me out, nor should i ask him out myself. most importantly, that i am WORTH being asked out.

and so it goes. he's just a guy. if he ends up going out with someone else because she was super aggressive, backed him into a corner and told him they were going out (as has happened with several men i've been interested in in the past few years, a few resulting in marriage), then good for her. i'll send you a wedding gift.

all that being said, i can't shrink back into wallflower status. i still need to show my interest, but i won't go further than that.

besides, our new German exchange student started yesterday and as Nicbal noticed, he's already making eyes at me.

Deustchland vor!

out

he loves me, he loves me not.

oh Crush. how you tease me so. it's great when he's hanging out at my desk with partners swarming around, looking at us wasting company time. but we sit in the boardroom alone together, after hours, and all he can talk about is work. oy!

i think i may back off for a little while. it's too frustrating.

11:2

Doc Tardy and i were supping on a patio in Kits on saturday night. beside us, a group of 11 (count 'em!) men, aged 30 - 40, all watching the replay of one of the world cup games. we were on the patio beside them for three hours. ask me how many numbers i got.

you're correct! zero. i turned to Doc and said, "this is punishment. this is God testing my chutzpah and proving to me that i am not willing to make myself available for a nice guy, or any guy." she pooh-poohed that and said, "it'll happen when it's meant to happen for us."

i said, without even trying to lower my voice, "it ain't happening because we're not letting it happen!!! there are 11 of them and we haven't made eye contact or smiled at any one of them! ELEVEN!" and they just kept coming. at one point, there were 13. i nearly cried.

but i didn't make eye contact. not even by mistake.

you wonder why i'm single? it's because i MAKE myself single!

self-check

i'm fascinated by non-verbal communication and have been since i was in high school. i remember one summer i read every book that the local public library had on face reading and body language that was written for the general public (they had academic texts as well, but i was 15 at the time and it was beyond me. still is, to be honest). the TV show "Lie to Me" was a godsend. it brought all of what i learned into context.

i think it interests me so much because i feel like i already have an innate sense of feelings and emotions and learning the academic side of it just assists in honing that in-born skill.

i use what i know to take stock of how people are feeling in social situations. and of course, i use it to analyze potential love-interests to see whether or not they feel the same about me. if i were to go by non-verbals alone, i'd say Bertrand is really interested in me and Crush is not.

this week, i decided that i would study my books again, because i've now accumulated lots of books on body language over the past few years. this time, i would study one action each week and look for it in every person i saw. i think that would ensure that i understood what the action looked like and what it said.

as i was re-reading one of my books, it reminded me that, as with everything in life, you have to look at non-verbal cues in context with everything else. so, crossed-arms generally say that the person is closed off or unfriendly, but what happens if the air conditioning is blasting and they're in bare arms and no sweater?

of course, then it made me think that i should assess my own body language and see whether how i think i feel about both Bertrand and Crush is actually how i feel. i know that when i see and talk to Bertrand, which is rare, both of us are really open in our non-verbals. there's a lot of maintained eye contact and he always turns to face me. he keeps a close distance, standing in what's called the "intimate zone" (between 1 - 3 feet from the other person), instead of the "social zone", which is generally 3 - 5 feet from the other person. if we're sitting around the boardroom table at after work drinks, his feet and sometimes his entire body is pointed towards me, even though he may be speaking to someone else. and yet, we never talk at any other time. i don't make efforts to stop by his office to chat and he only chats with me when he needs something or is waiting to speak to someone near my desk and that person is busy and he wants to kill time.

in contrast, Crush chats with me all the time (although not nearly as much now that he's in a different office on the other side of the office), albeit about work, but he makes efforts. other people have remarked that he's always chatting with me and that he doesn't make many efforts to make convo with anyone else. yet his body language is so different. if we're around the boardroom table, he'll turn his head to talk to me, but his feet and body stay pointing straight ahead of him. if we're standing in a group, his feet are never pointed towards me. he does raise his eyebrows, and therefore widens his eyes, if he walks past me in the hallway (the eyes' way of taking in a sight they like) and he'll talk to me endlessly about work-things that most people would have spent five minutes on.

as for me, i think i hold back. i was chatting with Sands yesterday and could see Crush walking through the library in the reflection in the window. it looked like he changed his direction once he saw me (i assume, since he knew Sands would be sitting in her desk but wouldn't necessarily think i would be standing there too), and lumbered his way towards us. but then, he pointed his entire body towards Sands while telling both of us about his day at a mediation. he'd turn his head to tell me about it (and mostly me about it), but his feet and shoulders were pointed straight towards Sands. I turned my body fully towards him and saw a piece of lint on his shoulder. i was going to pick it off but decided not to as it was a little personal, but i think i should have. if i'm going to convey interest, i have to start touching him soon. otherwise, it will go no where.

which makes me think - is he holding back? i mean, if i'm holding back because i don't want to appear too over-eager, then maybe he is too. or maybe i'm not as interested as i think i am, or want to be.

people wonder why i'm still single. it's because it's far too complicated to be anything else, at least in my head. :)

although, there was this one time i was sitting in my chair at my desk and turned with my back to the shared printer. Crush came around my desk to get something he had printed and two seconds later, i turned to face him and noticed that when i was facing him full on (or his mid-section full-on), he sucked in is gut. i thought that was either coincidental, or really cute.

huh.

i was with my mom this evening and we were chatting about my dad. she said she knew something that she wasn't sure she should tell me. she had previously been telling me how my dad was reporting to her that i spent so much money and that i was making more than him and i still didn't have any money. i gathered from that that he had been looking at my paystubs and mastercard bills. that's okay - i left them out so it was fair game.

so, when she said she knew something, i thought perhaps that my dad ratted me out and told her i still had a large balance on my credit card. what she told me really surprised me. apparently, my dad is worried about me because i don't have kids yet.

the story is this: she picked him up to take him somewhere because she had borrowed his car. he gets in the car and closes the door with a heavy sigh. she says, "what's wrong?" and he says, "it's CG. i'm worried about her." she says, "why?" he says, "she's 33 years old and instead of taking care of her kids, she's taking care of her dog. and, look at me! instead of taking care of my grand-kids, i'm taking care of her dog." she said he actually got a little emotional; maybe even teared up a bit.

huh? this i expected from my mom. that's why i had the talk with her a few years ago (that she conveniently doesn't remember) about how i wasn't sure that i was meant to have kids and that i wasn't concerned about whether i had them or not. maybe i should have included my dad in that conversation too.

i know it's not the right reason to have kids but i have a feeling it would really help my dad out of his funk if he had little ones to take care of.

no pressure.

rain

just got in from an afternoon stroll with my Lunatic. it's pissing outside. i'm quite certain she is now sitting on top of my clean clothes on my bed, still a little damp from being Sham-wowed.

i attempted to do some purging today. i tackled my 3 rubbermaid totes and managed to purge a whack of sweaters and some too-tight capris pants from summers past. but i still have a bursting closet. and i want to buy more clothes.

it's june and you know what that means - the gloves are slowly coming off. the three-month moratorium on Crush is now over. i am going to ramp-up my attempts at... i don't know. do we call it 'flirting'? anyway, yeah. that's my plan.

in other news, BabyMan is away for the week and has asked me to revive his bonsai tree while he's away. (hmm. that sounds dirty.) he said, and i quote, "that can be your new challenge." arse.

did i tell you i think there might be something neurologically wrong with me? more often than not, as i type i spell out words wrong. and not as in a typo - as in when i just typed out "not", my brain told me to type out "knot". and up top, where i said rubbermaid totes, my brain told me and i did, type out "rubbermaide toates". toates m'goats.

time to get ready for ballet.

just cause

yesterday was the friday before the long weekend, so i knew there wouldn't be too many people sticking around for a drink. i had plans to meet Mandy at 5:15 to go for nachos anyway, but i ended up finishing work (or being tired of working) at about 4:15 so i had some time to kill.

earlier in the day, i walked by Bertrand's office and he called me back. he asked if i had bought snacks for that evening and i said, "it's the friday before the long weekend - no one is going to be here for drinks after work!" he said, "no one will be there because there is no food!" he joked about how he had assigned the task to me and i joked that he forgot to confirm in writing, so there was no written agreement. he said, "it was a verbal agreement!" we talked about our upcoming weekends and then i left.

at 4:25, i walked into Crush's office with my bags and said, "what are you doing?" he told me he was working on an affidavit and then said, "are you headed to the boardroom?" and i said, "yeah, can you keep me company for 30 minutes?" and he said he would.

short story long, i ended up in the boardroom with not only Crush but Bertrand. it was the best. until Crush brought up the Student, who has since left the firm. i have a sneaking suspicion that he has a bit of a thing for her. then again, i have a bit of a thing for Bertrand so i guess what's good for the goose, etc.

as it sits, i am still here, waiting to hear from people about tonight. the Howler's last show is tonight and Doc Tardy and i are planning on going. except, she hasn't responded to my texts about dinner or what time to meet i guess for now, i'll make plans to head down on my own. typical.

i kind of lost it on her the other day. i went off about how i needed new friends because no one ever kept get together dates and people kept jamming. WTF. i do need new friends. or i just have to get over the fact that some people are just flighty and just because they say, "yes, let's do this!" it doesn't mean, "yes, let's do this!" it means, "yes, perhaps if something better doesn't come up in the meantime, i may consider possibly doing this!"

you know what's wrong with the world today? people are innundated with choice and now, no one wants to commit because there may be something better to do later on. so frustrating.

huh

Crush was hanging out by my desk (again), digging through my candy dish. i said to him, "i was going to pick out some new candy this weekend, but i wasn't sure how it would go over so i decided not to."

he answers and says, "did you ask BabyMan?"

i said, "why would i ask BabyMan?"

he says, "you always consult with him." huh?

i said, "no i don't. BabyMan doesn't even eat these candies. he just asks for real food."

he said, "so you only bake him cookies." huh?

i said, "no, i bake everyone cookies. he just takes a lot of them."

i then went to BabyMan's office and relayed my conversation, hoping he would tell me that i was reading too much into things.

he said, "OMG, he's jealous! wait, wait, we're over him, i forgot. OMG, he's jealous!!! ooh, the tension!!"

yeah, that's what i thought. so agonized - what do i do? do i step this flirtation up a notch? do i leave it alone? do i ask BabyMan tomorrow what i should do? decisions, decisions.

i finally decided to do the only thing i know - i baked him cookies. i'll leave most of them for the office, but i'm going to bring him his own bag with a note that says, "you get first dibs this time."

if cookies don't show my affection, i'm going to have to go with beer.

tacos

about 7 years ago, i met this guy online who lived in las vegas. i can't remember if we talked or if we just MSN chatted but i remember really liking him, not as a "guy" but as a friend. he said that if i were ever in vegas to look him up and he would take me to his favorite bar, the Pink Taco. i thought that was a funny name. he said it was a strip club. i thought it was an odd name for a peeler bar.

fast-forward 7 years to this past tuesday. i was watching "Glee" and Sue Sylvester threatened to kick another woman in her taco. i gasped at the visual that popped into my head and laughed at the chutzpah that the show had to have that particular turn of phrase on such a teen-driven show.

fast forward to 8:30 this evening. i was walking home from the skytrain and something reminded me of the name Pink Taco. and all of a sudden, i understood why the nudie bar was called the Pink Taco.

yes, sometimes, i actually AM that slow.