i had a great weekend with Sam. i took him to a football game i won tickets to, and we ended up on the "Kiss Cam" in the 3rd quarter. quite funny as i wondered whether we would be selected, but then realized we were in the cheap seats so we probably wouldn't get chosen. i was wrong. they must scan the crowd to find couples that are either interacting with each other a lot, or not at all. he gave me a kiss on the cheek (so far back, it was basically my ear) and the guy behind us said, "Man, that was LAME." then he kissed me on the lips, but the camera had already panned away. i wondered briefly if it was nerves, or if it was a serious attempt to downplay our involvement to the crowd. i knew two friends were on the opposite end of the arena and they texted me right away, but i got two other texts from two separate friends and then when i got to work on Monday, three of the guys i work with were sitting in my office, wondering who the guy i was kissing on Friday was. hilarious!
Sam had prepared me earlier in the week and warned me that he had a surprise outing for me on the Saturday morning after the game. he said all i would need is a swim suit. WTF. three months' notice would've been nice! i had a hunch where he was going to take me, given the wardrobe required and the length of the drive, but i wasn't going to spoil it by asking too many questions or even trying to guess. if he's going to go to some trouble to think of it and then surprise me, then i'll play along.
it was a lovely Saturday morning for the drive into the Valley. along the way, Sam pointed out pictures i might like to take and slowed down (and in some instances, turned right around!) so that i could get my shots for my IG feed. so sweet!
we arrived in Harrison and made our way to the pool. it was so nice, but really warm. i just wanted to curl up in a ball and nap. we stayed in the pool for over an hour and then had some lunch, walked around, took some photos (he even paused to take a selfie of us before I did! the first one he's taken of us) and then we headed home.
it's weekends like that which make me think he's finally falling for me. and then i see he was back online today, and i realize that i still don't have his full attention. and i may never have his full attention. what's a girl to do when the most amazing person she's met in 15 years still may not think she is the one for him?
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
and now for something not so different
i have to admit - i'm feeling a little crazy today. not surprising that i used the hashtag "infatuation" in one of my IG posts. i know it's completely hormonal (i think i may be getting my Friend - and as an aside, i've never been more excited about it. she's a little late this month and it was starting to become a concern!), but honestly, i was reading his old Twitter posts (crazy sign #1) and i started crying after reading ones that referenced his ex and their life together (crazy sign #2). another aside, the extra hormones are the main reason why i am no longer on the Pill. i can barely stand my own genetic brand of craziness - i don't need a drug company's assistance adding manufactured hormones.
one of the picture quotes i read today was something about how what a shame it was that people these days spent so much time pretending that they didn't care about the person they liked when really, they should be doing everything they can to show they care. the worst part is that i know i'm like that and i know it's just self-preservation but what is love if it's not putting yourself out there, heart exposed and all?
right now, i'm not answering a text message he just sent me simply because it took him two hours to respond to the one i sent him. TWO HOURS. no, my mind isn't going crazy with what (or who) he might have been doing in those two hours. how juvenile am i? but why couldn't he just answer the damn text when it came in???
BabyMan always says that this craziness is my fault because i don't trust him. and for a minute, i always buy into that and feel bad that i don't trust him. and then i remember that there isn't anything to trust because there is no commitment.
flapping in the breeze. shit, i feel a poem coming on. this is not good.
one of the picture quotes i read today was something about how what a shame it was that people these days spent so much time pretending that they didn't care about the person they liked when really, they should be doing everything they can to show they care. the worst part is that i know i'm like that and i know it's just self-preservation but what is love if it's not putting yourself out there, heart exposed and all?
right now, i'm not answering a text message he just sent me simply because it took him two hours to respond to the one i sent him. TWO HOURS. no, my mind isn't going crazy with what (or who) he might have been doing in those two hours. how juvenile am i? but why couldn't he just answer the damn text when it came in???
BabyMan always says that this craziness is my fault because i don't trust him. and for a minute, i always buy into that and feel bad that i don't trust him. and then i remember that there isn't anything to trust because there is no commitment.
flapping in the breeze. shit, i feel a poem coming on. this is not good.
Autumn
work. school. Sam. those are the only three things i have been writing about lately it seems. seriously. so, this is a non-WSS related entry! (ok, it was inspired by Sam, and the background has to do with work, and it's about being at a school, but that's the only similarity!)
i was sent on a minion-mission by Bertrand to procure a book from the UBC library. he and Grumpypants have a three week trial where they need this book to cross-examine an expert witness. the mission not only included a jaunt out to Point Grey, but the book was actually a resident of the biomedical library at VGH (who knew VGH had a library?). the task was simple: apply for a library card at the UBC campus library, and then head to VGH and take out the medical textbook from the biomedical library. basically, criss-cross town in a cab and bring back a heavy, medical tome. and make sure it's the right one.
i wanted to pick a nice, fall day, one where i could truly enjoy my "field work". one of those bright, crisp, sunny autumn days that i live for, where i grabbed a coffee, sat on a bench and watched the young, fresh-faced and still idealistic students cross back and forth in front of me on their way to wherever they were needed next. too bad YVR's been socked-in with fog for the past week. Grumpypants lived up to his name on Monday when he said to me, "I thought you were getting the book on Friday? I need it to prep for cross this week." so, on a foggy, misty Monday, i set off in my yellow chariot to UBCity.
there's a reason why i chose SFU over UBC - i could actually travel from one end of campus to the other, without having to take a rest or water break. UBC is huge and winding and it's always scared me a little. my taxi driver must have sensed my hesitation because he dropped me off at the bookstore, pointed me in a vague direction and said, "East Mall is that way." (Note: there was construction so he couldn't take me any further than where he dropped me off, but still!).
i did the only thing i could do: i faked it until i maked it. okay, not really. i just walked until i saw a "You Are Here" sign, and i knew it would point me in the direction of the main library. it did.
i was definitely regretting sending my phone in for repairs, though. the campus is filled with deciduous trees and at this time of year, you get the best of both words - the trees still hold most of their leaves but have started carpeting the ground with the best of the fall colors. as i walked the short distance to the library, i discretely kicked my way through the piles of red and orange leaves that had accumulated near the fountain, and that were being blown around by an industrial-strength leaf blower. i couldn't help myself; despite my need for the battery on my phone to stay charged (and knowing full-well that the battery couldn't hold a charge to begin with), i took a few shots of the leaves, pirouetting over the grass and onto a pile for the compost.
i can see how they could be seen as a pain - the raking and the bagging and the composting, only to be done again when the trees continue to molt a few days later. i'm sure homeowners and other people who have to deal with autumn foliage are dreading the end of October and the beginning of November, when the rain and windstorms kick up and the remaining dead leaves are blown into gutters, into sewer grates, plugging drainage systems, and forcing wet, soppy leaves into places they were never meant.
but for now, they are still a thing of beauty, something to be gazed upon and admired. the reds and yellows and oranges bringing life and color to an otherwise gray and dull, nearly-winter landscape. at this time of year if you were to ask me what my favorite color was, i'd say "Autumn".
i was sent on a minion-mission by Bertrand to procure a book from the UBC library. he and Grumpypants have a three week trial where they need this book to cross-examine an expert witness. the mission not only included a jaunt out to Point Grey, but the book was actually a resident of the biomedical library at VGH (who knew VGH had a library?). the task was simple: apply for a library card at the UBC campus library, and then head to VGH and take out the medical textbook from the biomedical library. basically, criss-cross town in a cab and bring back a heavy, medical tome. and make sure it's the right one.
i wanted to pick a nice, fall day, one where i could truly enjoy my "field work". one of those bright, crisp, sunny autumn days that i live for, where i grabbed a coffee, sat on a bench and watched the young, fresh-faced and still idealistic students cross back and forth in front of me on their way to wherever they were needed next. too bad YVR's been socked-in with fog for the past week. Grumpypants lived up to his name on Monday when he said to me, "I thought you were getting the book on Friday? I need it to prep for cross this week." so, on a foggy, misty Monday, i set off in my yellow chariot to UBCity.
there's a reason why i chose SFU over UBC - i could actually travel from one end of campus to the other, without having to take a rest or water break. UBC is huge and winding and it's always scared me a little. my taxi driver must have sensed my hesitation because he dropped me off at the bookstore, pointed me in a vague direction and said, "East Mall is that way." (Note: there was construction so he couldn't take me any further than where he dropped me off, but still!).
i did the only thing i could do: i faked it until i maked it. okay, not really. i just walked until i saw a "You Are Here" sign, and i knew it would point me in the direction of the main library. it did.
i was definitely regretting sending my phone in for repairs, though. the campus is filled with deciduous trees and at this time of year, you get the best of both words - the trees still hold most of their leaves but have started carpeting the ground with the best of the fall colors. as i walked the short distance to the library, i discretely kicked my way through the piles of red and orange leaves that had accumulated near the fountain, and that were being blown around by an industrial-strength leaf blower. i couldn't help myself; despite my need for the battery on my phone to stay charged (and knowing full-well that the battery couldn't hold a charge to begin with), i took a few shots of the leaves, pirouetting over the grass and onto a pile for the compost.
i can see how they could be seen as a pain - the raking and the bagging and the composting, only to be done again when the trees continue to molt a few days later. i'm sure homeowners and other people who have to deal with autumn foliage are dreading the end of October and the beginning of November, when the rain and windstorms kick up and the remaining dead leaves are blown into gutters, into sewer grates, plugging drainage systems, and forcing wet, soppy leaves into places they were never meant.
but for now, they are still a thing of beauty, something to be gazed upon and admired. the reds and yellows and oranges bringing life and color to an otherwise gray and dull, nearly-winter landscape. at this time of year if you were to ask me what my favorite color was, i'd say "Autumn".
Monday, October 21, 2013
did he?
it occurred to me that, when Sam quoted my email address (you know, the one I didn't give him), it wasn't just a guess.
i mean, he knows my "usual" handle, and it's easy enough to attach it to a domain name. but how can you guess which domain name - there are so many. he doesn't use one that's typical, so maybe i wouldn't either.
oddly enough, the email address he quoted is the one i use for my fake account on the fishing website. you know, the one he works at? (enter the conspiracy theory) i know it's a long stretch, but maybe, just maybe, he searched me out at work and found my email address there and, without thinking (or maybe absolutely thinking), he blurted out what he shouldn't have known in the first place. i digress.
after much upset on my part, including a gut-wrenching cry on Saturday morning, i decided that i was going to really give Sam a piece of my mind about him still being "active", and then i was going to suggest we take some time apart. all that fell to the far reaches of my mind the minute he walked through the door and kissed me hello. in fact, we had another wonderful weekend, and one that i didn't expect to have because it was his weekend with his son. he brought me my favorite dessert from True Confections, we had dinner and then he took me on a surprise drive up Cypress, just to show me the city poking up through the fog. he was on a bit of a time crunch the next morning, but we still were able to enjoy a leisurely morning and breakfast at a local spot we tried out last week.
i fricken hate uncertainty. but given the stress i'm under with school and uncertainty with work duties, ending a relationship with someone i really like is not a good idea for me right now. but six months is coming up fast, and that is my deadline.
until then, i've decided to stop checking his profile.....so often. :) check back with me in three weeks and see whether i feel the same way.
i mean, he knows my "usual" handle, and it's easy enough to attach it to a domain name. but how can you guess which domain name - there are so many. he doesn't use one that's typical, so maybe i wouldn't either.
oddly enough, the email address he quoted is the one i use for my fake account on the fishing website. you know, the one he works at? (enter the conspiracy theory) i know it's a long stretch, but maybe, just maybe, he searched me out at work and found my email address there and, without thinking (or maybe absolutely thinking), he blurted out what he shouldn't have known in the first place. i digress.
after much upset on my part, including a gut-wrenching cry on Saturday morning, i decided that i was going to really give Sam a piece of my mind about him still being "active", and then i was going to suggest we take some time apart. all that fell to the far reaches of my mind the minute he walked through the door and kissed me hello. in fact, we had another wonderful weekend, and one that i didn't expect to have because it was his weekend with his son. he brought me my favorite dessert from True Confections, we had dinner and then he took me on a surprise drive up Cypress, just to show me the city poking up through the fog. he was on a bit of a time crunch the next morning, but we still were able to enjoy a leisurely morning and breakfast at a local spot we tried out last week.
i fricken hate uncertainty. but given the stress i'm under with school and uncertainty with work duties, ending a relationship with someone i really like is not a good idea for me right now. but six months is coming up fast, and that is my deadline.
until then, i've decided to stop checking his profile.....so often. :) check back with me in three weeks and see whether i feel the same way.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
misery maker
his profile now shows "replies often" instead of "no one has contact him this week". but it's done that before, and then reverted back to the latter. what to believe?
it has brought my mood down considerably, even though i have no idea whether it's accurate or not. sure, he was online again this morning but i have no idea what he was doing. maybe he logged on to check to see who had checked out his profile. or maybe he logged on to check responses to messages he sent out. i won't know unless i ask him. and you know i won't ask him.
this raises the question: why do i check? why do i create this misery? when i don't check, i feel really good about everything. for example, he is going to be free on Saturday night because his son is going to be at a sleepover, so he asked me whether i wanted to do something. yesterday, when i got this text, i was happy because it felt like he was offering me this "time slot" when he could've offered it to someone else or moreover, could've made a date with someone else and i would never know. i would NEVER know. Never. Never!
today, after the "replies often" tag, i think that maybe he did ask other people but didn't get a positive response. why do i do this?
i was scrolling my FB feed today and a picture on one of the "positive quotes" pages i follow had the reminder, "What you allow is what will continue." so why do i? because i'm afraid he'll remind me that we're just "casual" and that it's well within his right? i'm in the mindset that this ends in December, so why not just speed up the process and pose the question to him now? i have a feeling that his feelings aren't going to change in 7 weeks if they haven't really changed in four and a half months, so why prolong the inevitable? why?
i don't feel i've opened up to him at all, because he told me this was casual and that is how i'm approaching it. you don't open up to someone casual; you see them once a week or so and don't talk to them in between. that is what i was expecting, but i've gotten much more than that. i've gotten a pseudo-relationship. that is confusing. very, very confusing. and old-me would've taken his casual words, thrown them aside and gone by his actions. new-me has taken his casual words and held them close, because that is all i can do. i'm not even sure he knows what he wants; in fact, i know he doesn't. all HE has are his words to hang on to. so here we are, two people that only know how to love, clinging to words that continue to separate us emotionally, thereby ruining any chance of us moving forward together. one word - casual - hangs between us, at arm's length.
what a waste. and yet i wouldn't trade these four and a half months for anything.
Monday, October 14, 2013
off-hand
Sam off-handedly quoted my Gmail address to me on Saturday, and i'm quite certain i have never given it to him. it's not that hard to figure out - people tend to use the same handle on every social medium if they can, and i'm no exception. and, he's a smart guy and is good with computers so i'm not surprised he hasn't found more stuff about me, given my fairly prominent online presence. not that i think he will find this blog and if he does, not that i think he'll read it and if he does, not that it matters because if i'm posting my thoughts and feelings on an online blog, i obviously don't mind if he reads it, but that's how things went sideways with the Architect years ago. however, i don't think Sam is as headcasey as the Architect was, so i'm not too concerned that he'll freak out. and if he does, well he shouldn't have been reading the blog then.
he also mentioned yesterday that he tended to make the same mistakes in relationships over and over again, and it's usually the reason why they end the way they do. of course, i jumped on that but he wouldn't reveal what that mistake was. naturally, i spent the rest of the day thinking about what it could possibly be. and then i realized that, right now, i am in the midst of the same mistake i always make in relationships, so who am i to judge?
what's the definition of insane? doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result? lovers are lunatics indeed.
he also mentioned yesterday that he tended to make the same mistakes in relationships over and over again, and it's usually the reason why they end the way they do. of course, i jumped on that but he wouldn't reveal what that mistake was. naturally, i spent the rest of the day thinking about what it could possibly be. and then i realized that, right now, i am in the midst of the same mistake i always make in relationships, so who am i to judge?
what's the definition of insane? doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result? lovers are lunatics indeed.
Friday, October 11, 2013
clarity
a couple of weeks ago, Sam and i ended up having an abbreviated, inconclusive version of The Talk.
i had planned to just ask him about his online activities, as i had noticed he continued to monitor both his online profiles on a fairly regular basis (not that i was checking up on him, naturally). i happened to notice on a day when everything seemed to be happening at the same time (not unlike the last time i had a mini-meltdown), and so i was determined to at least clear that part up, though i knew the natural result would be The Talk.
fatalist that i am, i anticipated that after asking him why he felt the need to continue to have an online presence on two dating sites, he would want nothing more to do with me. i wanted to lessen the eventual blowup by bringing the subject up when he was at his most vulnerable (and therefore, less likely to get defensive) - post-coitus.
i can't remember how the subject came up, but instead of ignoring the lead in like i always have in the past, i said, "are you seeing anyone else?" i tried to ask as casually and unconcerned as i could. i may have succeeded. he said, "if you think i have the energy to see two women at the same time, you're crazy. i can barely keep up with you!" i laughed. and then i said, "so....is that confirmation then?" his turn to laugh and he said, "yes, that's confirmation that i am not seeing anyone else." then i asked the hard question: "are you still looking?" without hesitation, he said, "no, not really. i think if we had only been seeing each other for a few weeks, i might, but after four months, i wouldn't feel right looking for someone else." i have to paraphrase his answer, because after he confirm that he wasn't really still looking, i breathed a small sigh of relief and forgot to listen to the rest of his response. he did go on to say that, "casual is hard because i don't know where i am, and that means you don't know where you are. i didn't expect to meet someone like you." he used the words "emotionally stunted" to describe himself and mentioned that he was surprised that i didn't walk away after our second date when he told me that he was just looking for a casual relationship. i told him i was surprised too. then i asked him to tell me if he did start dating someone else and he said he would. that's torturous for me, but at least then i'll know it's time to end it.
he never asks me if i'm dating anyone; i'm not sure if that's because he doesn't want to know or doesn't care. he mentioned that a co-worker had asked him something about me recently - he couldn't remember what - and he told her that he didn't know. when she said she was surprised he didn't know, he told her there are certain things he didn't need to know, that whatever it was was one of them. of course, i am wracking my brain to figure out what it might be and the only thing i can think is whether or not i'm seeing anyone else. there's nothing else he wouldn't want to know, other than my stance on marriage and babies, and that's something he wouldn't not want to know.
i'm pretty sure he has wanted to talk about this for a few weeks now - natural lead-ins have been dropped by him in the recent past but i haven't picked them up, and he hasn't pursued them.
at my lowest point, which precipitated this talk, i realized that our relationship isn't casual - it's convenient (for him). while he calls it casual, we are both still getting the physical trappings of an exclusive relationship, but we're not really sharing any of the emotional trappings. sure, we share about our day and we talk about our pasts and all of that, but it occurred to me recently that we don't seek emotional support from each other. we give it freely, but we don't seek it out. he doesn't look for bolstering if he's had a bad day and i don't look for advice when i think he can give it. it's kind of strange.
i am of two minds about this: the first is that it needs to end before New Years. that's my natural break point and so i now have two months. it still drives me crazy that his profiles are still active (yes, i check them and while he's still logging into them daily, it has been pointed out to me that it doesn't mean he's actively looking - he could just be curious as to who is looking at his profile and then logging off) and that he checks them. i don't like that our time together is so segmented from the rest of our lives - yes, our outside lives from each other have crossed in uneventful ways (we bumped into two of my acquaintances at the park and he introduced me to his building manager) and clearly there are certain people from his "other" life that know about me. i eventually want to integrate him into my life and vice-versa.
on the flip side, this slow-roll has not really been bad. it has made me realize that my expectations for romantic relationships were stuck in 2001, when i had lots of free time and fewer responsibilities. i honestly expected Sam to call me at least twice a day, email me when he wasn't calling, and see me three to four times a week. i ain't got time for that now! i see him once, sometimes twice a week depending on his kid schedule, and one of those is almost always an overnighter. the rest of the week, we text regularly and when we have more than five days without seeing eachother , he'll usually call. admittedly, our texts were always either "touching base" (how's your day sort of thing) and always had a point. since The Talk, it seems like we're both more comfortable just sending random texts about the day or random thoughts, and he's answering back more often than he used to.
i honestly don't know what i'm going to do. my head is telling me to give it up after 6 months - that's half my year he's had to himself. if he doesn't know after 6 months how he feels about me or being with me or exclusive relationships, etc. then he'll never know or he's just fooling himself for thinking that this will ever be anything more than it is. my heart, on the other hand, wants to hang on. not because it's lonely or desperate for the attention but more because it knows something. i've never had the kind of chemistry i've have with him with anyone else. i know i say, "i've never felt this way about anyone before" a lot, but it feels like i mean it this time! i was planning on just ending it over the phone with him earlier last week but decided to do it in person. well good luck with that. i blame it on his pheromones. there is something about him that i just can't resist. it's insane! i am pretty sure he feels the same as far as that goes. and how do you give up something that continues to evolve? six months isn't a long time in the greater scheme of things, and it's not like there is someone else that's trying to get my attention. i could very well continue on until something else comes along. but we know how that works with me.
no end in sight? i don't know. for now, i'm going to try to stop overanalyzing, stop wondering what the future holds, and just enjoy the ride.
i had planned to just ask him about his online activities, as i had noticed he continued to monitor both his online profiles on a fairly regular basis (not that i was checking up on him, naturally). i happened to notice on a day when everything seemed to be happening at the same time (not unlike the last time i had a mini-meltdown), and so i was determined to at least clear that part up, though i knew the natural result would be The Talk.
fatalist that i am, i anticipated that after asking him why he felt the need to continue to have an online presence on two dating sites, he would want nothing more to do with me. i wanted to lessen the eventual blowup by bringing the subject up when he was at his most vulnerable (and therefore, less likely to get defensive) - post-coitus.
i can't remember how the subject came up, but instead of ignoring the lead in like i always have in the past, i said, "are you seeing anyone else?" i tried to ask as casually and unconcerned as i could. i may have succeeded. he said, "if you think i have the energy to see two women at the same time, you're crazy. i can barely keep up with you!" i laughed. and then i said, "so....is that confirmation then?" his turn to laugh and he said, "yes, that's confirmation that i am not seeing anyone else." then i asked the hard question: "are you still looking?" without hesitation, he said, "no, not really. i think if we had only been seeing each other for a few weeks, i might, but after four months, i wouldn't feel right looking for someone else." i have to paraphrase his answer, because after he confirm that he wasn't really still looking, i breathed a small sigh of relief and forgot to listen to the rest of his response. he did go on to say that, "casual is hard because i don't know where i am, and that means you don't know where you are. i didn't expect to meet someone like you." he used the words "emotionally stunted" to describe himself and mentioned that he was surprised that i didn't walk away after our second date when he told me that he was just looking for a casual relationship. i told him i was surprised too. then i asked him to tell me if he did start dating someone else and he said he would. that's torturous for me, but at least then i'll know it's time to end it.
he never asks me if i'm dating anyone; i'm not sure if that's because he doesn't want to know or doesn't care. he mentioned that a co-worker had asked him something about me recently - he couldn't remember what - and he told her that he didn't know. when she said she was surprised he didn't know, he told her there are certain things he didn't need to know, that whatever it was was one of them. of course, i am wracking my brain to figure out what it might be and the only thing i can think is whether or not i'm seeing anyone else. there's nothing else he wouldn't want to know, other than my stance on marriage and babies, and that's something he wouldn't not want to know.
i'm pretty sure he has wanted to talk about this for a few weeks now - natural lead-ins have been dropped by him in the recent past but i haven't picked them up, and he hasn't pursued them.
at my lowest point, which precipitated this talk, i realized that our relationship isn't casual - it's convenient (for him). while he calls it casual, we are both still getting the physical trappings of an exclusive relationship, but we're not really sharing any of the emotional trappings. sure, we share about our day and we talk about our pasts and all of that, but it occurred to me recently that we don't seek emotional support from each other. we give it freely, but we don't seek it out. he doesn't look for bolstering if he's had a bad day and i don't look for advice when i think he can give it. it's kind of strange.
i am of two minds about this: the first is that it needs to end before New Years. that's my natural break point and so i now have two months. it still drives me crazy that his profiles are still active (yes, i check them and while he's still logging into them daily, it has been pointed out to me that it doesn't mean he's actively looking - he could just be curious as to who is looking at his profile and then logging off) and that he checks them. i don't like that our time together is so segmented from the rest of our lives - yes, our outside lives from each other have crossed in uneventful ways (we bumped into two of my acquaintances at the park and he introduced me to his building manager) and clearly there are certain people from his "other" life that know about me. i eventually want to integrate him into my life and vice-versa.
on the flip side, this slow-roll has not really been bad. it has made me realize that my expectations for romantic relationships were stuck in 2001, when i had lots of free time and fewer responsibilities. i honestly expected Sam to call me at least twice a day, email me when he wasn't calling, and see me three to four times a week. i ain't got time for that now! i see him once, sometimes twice a week depending on his kid schedule, and one of those is almost always an overnighter. the rest of the week, we text regularly and when we have more than five days without seeing eachother , he'll usually call. admittedly, our texts were always either "touching base" (how's your day sort of thing) and always had a point. since The Talk, it seems like we're both more comfortable just sending random texts about the day or random thoughts, and he's answering back more often than he used to.
i honestly don't know what i'm going to do. my head is telling me to give it up after 6 months - that's half my year he's had to himself. if he doesn't know after 6 months how he feels about me or being with me or exclusive relationships, etc. then he'll never know or he's just fooling himself for thinking that this will ever be anything more than it is. my heart, on the other hand, wants to hang on. not because it's lonely or desperate for the attention but more because it knows something. i've never had the kind of chemistry i've have with him with anyone else. i know i say, "i've never felt this way about anyone before" a lot, but it feels like i mean it this time! i was planning on just ending it over the phone with him earlier last week but decided to do it in person. well good luck with that. i blame it on his pheromones. there is something about him that i just can't resist. it's insane! i am pretty sure he feels the same as far as that goes. and how do you give up something that continues to evolve? six months isn't a long time in the greater scheme of things, and it's not like there is someone else that's trying to get my attention. i could very well continue on until something else comes along. but we know how that works with me.
no end in sight? i don't know. for now, i'm going to try to stop overanalyzing, stop wondering what the future holds, and just enjoy the ride.
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