reality

i was flipping channels and came upon the end of a show where the main character (i'm assuming, since she was doing the final, Wonder Years-esque voice-over) watched as her mom was sentenced to spend a month in a rehab facililty. the voice-over said something about how the fog of childhood lifts when you finally see your parents as people, and not just your parents. how true that is.

it's become readily apparent to me in the past four years that the fog has lifted and just like Jimmy Cliff, i can see clearly now. or at least, a little more clear.

i think my dad is sinking into a deeper depression. i didn't want to believe he was depressed before, but there's no other way i can describe it. i've asked The Angels whether i should intervene and try to help him, and they said no. i understand - he's a big boy and can take care of himself. but that doesn't mean it doesn't worry me.

it's not that i think he'll do anything to harm himself. i think he just wants people to feel sorry for him, which is pretty sad in itself. i know he sees himself as a victim of the separation. he hears about my mom spending three weeks in Europe after having spent three weeks earlier this year in the Philippines and i know he's bitter. or jealous. or angry. or something. but he sloughs everything off like it's nothing. but you can just feel that it's eating away at him.

i have the opportunity to get a dog for free, basically. i know it's not the right time for me, but i have this feeling that if i get the dog, and if my dad warms up to it, then perhaps the dog might be some built-in therapy for him. something that accepts him for who he is, but loves him unconditionally anyway - you know, what my mom couldn't do for him. i think he just needs someone or something to care about again.

it's a bit of a risk, getting a dog and hoping that it will help my dad emotionally, but i think i'm willing to do it. it'll probably help me out a little too.

in touch

George suggested a lunch for all us girls for this past saturday. she had thrown out white rock, which i loved. i responded to the e-mail and said, "that's great! i was going to suggest lonsdale because of this artisan market that will be there, but white rock is good too!" and of course, everyone else said, "both sound good. doesn't matter to me." i was so ticked off, i purposefully didn't respond until saturday morning.

by then, the responses were all pointing towards lonsdale, so we all made our plans. George parked her car at my building and we walked to the skytrain together. we then took the seabus (which i've never taken) to the Quay. we did a bit of a wander whilst waiting for Doc Tardy and T to show up. once we were all together, we picked a restaurant for lunch and sat on the patio. we chatted and ate and chatted. then we wandered around the shops, ending up in a little jewelry store specializing in local, Canadian artists. we all ended up buying rings and T and George ended up buying earrings and necklaces to go with their rings. then we drove to park royal village and did a bit more shopping there. we ended the afternoon with a coffee and then Doc drove us to the skytrain. it was probably one of the best days i've spent in a really long time. and i almost didn't end up going because of how stubborn i am.

i think .... i know over the years, i've tended to turn inwards for everything because i haven't wanted to deal with the rejection from friends or potential dates or family. it's made me a colder person. i don't think i'm a cold person, but i now come across that way because of this fear of failure and rejection that i have. it's weird.

and even though i was at work today until 5:30, i did spend some time with Mon, just chatting but also building the bond we have started to form. it sounds a bit corny when i say it, but ultimately that's what is happening. i know she's looking for a new attachment now that A is gone, but that doesn't mean i'm second or a consolation prize. it just means she now has time to get to know me and vice-versa.

in a weird way, spending more time at work is fostering new friendships and strengthening existing ones. but it probably also means my work suffers a little too :)

speaking of work, the new guy started today. OMG, is he ever adorable! we called him hot new guy behind his back but now that i've gotten a good look at him, he is just so adorable, there's no way i can call him hot, or even be hot for him. the 7 year age difference probably helps keep my hormones in check too. seriously, he is so cute, i want to pinch his cheeks. and no, not those ones.

brevity

i was tired this morning. i didn't have a very good sleep, despite the fact that i went to bed fairly early. i kept waking up in the middle of the night, not wanting to open my eyes because i knew it wasn't time to get up, but at the same time wondering if i was wrong.

when the elevator door opened to our floor at work, i took one step out and saw the Mentor staring at me expectantly. i thought, "she couldn't possibly be rude enough to stalk me at the elevator like the lawyers do. who does she think she is?"

but she launched right into her spiel, "i have to do this response today and i don't know anything about this file. it's A's file and she's not here anymore and i don't know what to do..." blah, blah, blah. she followed me from the reception area to the kitchen, and then to my desk. i stared at her incredulously, but it was lost on her. i was so angry.

in fact, i was pissy all morning. everytime i heard that parrot-voice of hers (squawk, squawk), i cringed internally. i barely said a word to anyone.

then, i was angry at myself for letting her get to me. so i was in an even pissier mood. and then i remembered Lesson 3 of the 45 Life Lessons:

"life is too short to waste time hating anyone." so true. instead of letting myself wallow in my anger as i do, i did my best to shake it off. and i managed to do it before lunch. i think the mocha and chocolate chip banana bread helped. i suppose it's also not helpful that i'm PMSing. well, whatever works, yeh?

small steps

A's last day at work was friday. i believe she was politely asked to leave. i think it's pretty obvious that was the case. in any event, there are a few of us left now to pick up the pieces. literally, to deal with the messes she left. i came to work yesterday and there were stacks of files on my floor with memos attached and boxes of binders for files i hadn't seen in years. i was surrounded by files.

now, normally that's the way i work anyway, but this was ridiculous. everytime i rolled my chair back, i'd run over a file. whenever someone would bring me more work, i'd take it, look at the various piles on my desk, shake my head and make space for it.

i found myself sitting in my chair, more work than i've had in months staring me in the face, and all i could do was stare back at the piles and wonder, "how am i even going to deal with this?"

when in doubt, take small steps. so that's what i did. i took one thing off the pile of emergencies and started to work. when the Ninja came up to me and handed me something he said was urgent, i put my other task aside, tackled the Ninja's assignment and then went back to what i was doing. when Mr. Postman came up to me and handed me a file he wanted me to prep for trial next week, i put aside my self-assigned task and spent an hour organizing his file.

the piles on my desk are not any smaller and the personal day i'm taking today is not going to make those piles shrink, but i can only do what i can do.

the journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step. and the journey of a thousand files begins with one small piece of paper.

the truth shall set you back on track

i went to go visit my dad yesterday. i hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks. about 45 minutes into the visit, i sit on the couch near the chair where he is sitting. he says, "are you getting fat again?"

i said no. and then i said maybe. time to cut out the ice cream and chocolate again.

damn.

competition

i'm very competitive. and i'm also fairly realistic. does the combination of the two make for a go-getter? no, not in my case.

i hate to lament once more and for the umpteenth time about online dating, but i really don't know why i continue to subject myself to it. i enjoy the variety that is offered but as i said before, i tend to stick with the same thing. it's like when i go to certain restaurants - i always look at the menu, and always consider my options but in the end, i always get my usual. i'm a girl that likes having options. lots and lots of options. i'd be one of those celebrities with the yard-long list of food demands in my dressing room, but only ended up nibbling on the M&Ms. (actually, who am i kidding - when it comes to a buffet of food, i'll one of everything).

anyhoo, i'm once again feeling like a competitor, and i don't like that feeling. i know that's just the way it is when you're trying to meet someone, but honestly, the online experience heightens that feeling. it's probably because the talent pool is much larger because the arms of the web extend far past the reaches of downtown or my neighbourhood. i'm meeting people that i never would have met had it not been for online dating and once again, i think that perhaps there was a reason for that

meeting JW tomorrow. you wonder why i'm feeling bleh about it.

midnight sparks

i just finished watching "nights in rodanthe". damn it, if nicholas sparks got me again. as i watched, kept checking the time to see how far into the movie i was, and how much longer it was going to take. not always a good sign. it's not that it was a long movie - in fact, i think it was under 2 hours. i just kept wondering when something bad was going to happen (because you know something is). in fact, something did but i didn't get teary when i found out something bad happened. i got teary when diane lane's character sank into such a state of despondence and depression that her 15 year old daughter had to pick up her pieces.

but that didn't make me sad. what made me sad is that i haven't felt that way about someone in so long. sure, i've gotten so attached to someone that i thought i felt that sad when they were no longer a part of my life. but feeling that heart-wrenching, stomach-twisting ache for someone...it's such a foreign feeling to me now.

i know the walls that i've put up are to keep me feeling safe and emotionally unhurt, but it's tough on a softie like me. i wonder sometimes when it all turned around for me; when did the walls begin to go up? it's one of those things you don't realize has happened until one day, you try to reach out and make a connection, but end up hitting the walls you've built around you (obviously not you, specifically, but you as a generalization).

i've always said that i never want to feel that kind of hurt again - it sucks, you know? what i am starting to realize is that i'm not just keeping hurt at arm's length; i'm keeping the potential for love at arm's length too. great love doesn't come without great pain (although i always think that love should be the dominant feeling, at least 90% of the time), just like great success doesn't come without great sacrifice. have i become so scared of the possibility of being hurt again that i've sacrificed my potential for an important facet of happiness?

the body and mind are such amazing mechanisms. the body's ability to heal itself is a constant source of wonder to me (it brings to mind my first trip to Mexico many years ago). and the mind's ability to facilitate physical healing is nothing short of a miracle. it fascinates me that while the mind has healing powers, it also has the power to cast doubt and raise suspicion in its thinker. like an awkward, teen-aged Clark Kent who is just discovering his powers or an aging wizard who has lost some control over his magic wand, sometimes the mind is so powerful, it can hurt itself and its owner.

i think it's time for bed.

all's fair

i was listening to Sands complaining about how the Cougar always seems to get what she wants, be it a free parking spot or some guy helping her re-model her kitchen for just the cost of materials. she knew she shouldn't complain because the Cougar has had her share of hard knocks and besides, those who don't ask, don't get, right?

so i told her to look at the siuation with some perspctive. the Cougar gets free parking spots and free tickets to hockey games because she has zero shame and just asks. she's not proud - she'll ask for anything if she thinks she can get it. Sands isn't like that. she is very proud and i pointed out to her that her pride is what keeps her from getting the freebies. no one gets freebies who doesn't ask for it. and Sands won't part with her pride for one minute. so, she has to sacrifice a good parking space every now and then because she doesn't want to lower herself to the Cougar's standard.

and take a look at the Cougar's life. she is a survivor and self-provider because she has to be. she raised two kids on her own after she left an emotionally-abusive marriage. would Sands trade her life for the Cougar's? nope.

some traits, such as that "go get 'em" attitude are borne from necessity. i'm thankful that i've lived a life where i've had to "go get 'em" because i wanted to, not because i had no choice.

life isn't always fair, but it's good when you put it in perspective.

45 life lessons

i received one of those "life lesson" forwards today from a friend. i always read them because i always like to be reminded of what i should be thankful of, but what i often lose sight of. so now, i produce them here for you:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

and now, i have a new project for myself. for the next 45 entries (or at least, when i don't have anything in particular to write about), i will write about a life lesson. in order. and the entry will either be about the lesson itself and how i feel about it, or a story that i can share that deals with the lesson. perhaps i can write about how i plan on learning the lesson or why i don't think the lesson is quite up to scratch.

this should be interesting. thank goodness there's no good TV on. ooh, except SYTYCD. ciao!

oy.

yes, two posts in one day. what can i say? i'm trying to get my 10,000 hours in.

i was just looking at my "favorites" list on the fishing site and WTF. every single guy i've marked on my favorites looks exactly like the guy above him and below. talk about Type.

forget hypnotherapy for over-eating or compulsive shopping. i need hypnotherapy to get over my dark-haired, pretty-boy obsession.

ha! they weren't even blond.

Ms. Complacent

last week, i came in to work and it was raining from the ceiling above my computer. two floors up on the 18th floor, the plumbed-in coffee machine had burst a pipe, and it leaked all the way down to the fourth floor. needless to say, there was some water damage to our little corner of the office.

a good part of the week, i was working with two industrial-sized fans blowing my papers around. i had to clean off my desk so the drywaller guys could get access to the window and the ceiling. i had to deal with walls banging and de-humidifying. okay, it wasn't just me that had to deal with it, but apparently i dealt with it in the most pleasing way because one of the partners handed me an envelope today and said, "here ya go."

i opened it up and there was a thank you card that basically said thank you for putting up with all of the disturbance, and they enclosed a $50 gift certificate to the Milestones chain of restaurants. nice! i didn't want to bring it up to Mon, mostly because i don't think she'll get one for her troubles (and her office sustained the most damage, including that to her law degree). however, she was the most vocal about how displeased she was, so i think i will keep my bounty to myself.

on the JW front, we had a long conversation on the phone yesterday. what i find unusual about him is that he wants to know how to handle me - most guys could care less. he wanted to know what he could expect from me (behaviour-wise) as we got to know each other, what he should do to make things easier to get to know me, etc. it was weird just being able to say, "okay, so i'm an introvert. you need to be patient enough with me to let me get accustomed to you at my own pace, but forward enough to just drag me out and say, 'enough sitting around, let's go out and do something.'" i told him that he was doing well as far as getting to know me was concerned, because i was still talking to him and he hadn't done anything to annoy me once. he thought that was pretty funny.

oddly, he never mentioned the whole HPV thing. i suppose he assumes i'll see it on his profile, or perhaps he'll mention it when we've decided to actually start spending time together. right now, we're basically just getting to know each other through emails and phone calls but nothing has been established yet as far as whether we'll actually try to be friends or more. we have to meet in person first.

and again, i don't know if i can do more just because of his medical situation. he alluded a lot to "creative sex" yesterday, but never really said why. i didn't ask because it's an icky conversation to have ("so, did you cheat on your girlfriend or did your girlfriend cheat on you?"). i definitely think we could be friends though. he's different enough from me that he'll draw me out, but not so different that i wouldn't want to spend any time with him.

it helps that he's hot, too.

heat

it's probably the hottest day of the year so far, and i've been in the kitchen since 6:15. i made my szechuan green beans for tomorrow and Wednesday's lunch. then i made a cake (which is still baking - remind me never to use glassware to bake ever again). and then i made some chicken breasts to go with the beans. it's so hot in this apartment right now.

but i've been listening to my Chillaxin' mix, enjoying my pseudo-domesticity. i even washed and dried all the dishes! i must be PMSing.

that's the good thing about this time of year. all my favorite shows are now on re-runs so i have time in the evenings to do real stuff - read a book, work on my writing, go for a walk, bake, cook, date.

i was sitting in the boardroom with some people from work on friday and MK happened to mention that i was single (or lumped me in with her and other single girlfriends) and one of the lawyers said, "you don't have a boyfriend? that surprises me." someone else piped in, "i know; i just don't get it." then they all took turns listing off the reasons why i am such a great catch - i cook, i bake, i own my own place, i'm good-looking, i'm smart, i'm funny... i finally said, "exactly! who wants to put up with that kind of perfection?'' :)

i watched the movie "Up" on Saturday. it was really cute and it made me cry a bit. i always cry at movies where the male character shows undying love and devotion to the female one. and then, yesterday, i saw "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past". i thought it was really cute! i'm starting to like Jennifer Garner. she annoyed me before but she's got her charm. and Matthew McConaughey....mmmm, delicious. and then, the icing on the cake was that Daniel Sunjata was the romantic rival. i audibly "oh'd". T laughed at me. but he is worth an oh and so much more. tasty morsel of a man! ah, but this movie made me cry too. it was completely predictable how it ended and i don't think it made any apologies about that, but that Matthew McConnaughey is so earnest when he pleads for a second chance, i couldn't help myself.

too romantic in the head, not enough in the heart. or is it the other way around?