I can't believe that February was my last post. And it was about boredom. It actually wasn't half bad.
I'm not writing today because I'm bored, nor am I writing to report anything. I just thought I'd write.
I turned 35 three weeks ago. I can't remember what last year's lesson was. Maybe if I went back into previous posts, I could glean exactly what I learned as at my 34th birthday. But this year, I think I've finally come to realize that everyone's life is different and that just because you're not on the same path, it doesn't mean you're lost (thank you to his Holiness, the Dalai Lama, for that thought!).
I spent yesterday at my cousin's house for what would've been my Lola's 91st birthday (or 90th - no one really knows for sure). There were some relatives that hadn't been over in awhile and so we all got to catch up with them. Then came the uncomfortable part of the evening when those relatives who haven't seen us in awhile start to catch up on all the cousins' lives. Oh, where are you working now? Oh, that's your new husband? Oh, you're living on your own? Oh, when are you due? I knew what question was coming up for me and with my mom sitting in the room, and being with relatives who were going to become grandparents for the first time within the next three months (one being my cousin, who is only 47), I felt a pang of guilt. Just a pang. Not a sharp stab when the blow is cast, but definitely a pang that lingers long after attention is focused onto someone else.
My uncle started in on me about who I was dating. When I said no one, he said, "Oh, lots of boyfriends then." And I said, "No, not one and not many." Then the "why not" question. And then the "what about children" question. I guiltily stole a glance over at my mom, who was busy wiping her glasses clean of spots that weren't there to begin with. Pang.
I didn't want to get into a philosophical discussion about boyfriends and marriage and children, at least not with my drunk uncle. But no one came to my rescue either. Usually one person says, "Oh, it'll happen - don't worry about that." I guess at 35, no one really hopes for you anymore, at least not out loud.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not feeling sorry for myself. That's not a life I feel I need to have right now. But I do feel sorry for my parents, who I know desperately want grandchildren, but who continue to wait with forced patience. I feel sorry for my mom whose own sister tells her she knows nothing about raising children because she doesn't have grandchildren. I feel sorry for my dad, who dutifully comes to my place everyday to walk my dog, when he really wants to be changing his grandchild's diaper. But when it is instilled in you, through words, through actions, or through observation of someone else's trial and error, that you should not settle and that you should not do things because other people expect you to do them, then conforming with society's standard becomes very hard to do.
I have thought about having a kid on my own - Lord knows my parents would be there to help with childcare. But to have a child for someone else's satisfaction is not the answer. I know enough people who have had a child, planned or otherwise, who rely on other people to raise it while they continue on with their pre-baby lives. Not fair to the parents, both new and old, and most certainly not fair to the baby, who didn't ask to be born in the first place.
I have no way of ending this entry, because it's the middle of an on-going story.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
boredom
i'm bored. i'm not even sure how it happened.
i haven't felt this bored since i was home over the Christmas break. i'm literally wandering from room to room, thinking about what to do.
i lie - i know how it happened. i remembered that Ballet BC was doing a performance tonight and i went online to see if i could find tickets as tonight was the last night of the show. there were still tickets left, even the cheapest ones, and i contemplated going alone. i decided to text Doc Tardy to see if she wanted to go but she already had plans. my mistake came when i decided that i shouldn't go, because i reminded myself that February was going to be the month i did not spend extraneously.
instead, i finished the book for my new book club (where we are only studying this one book) and then took some notes for our meeting tomorrow. and then, this overwhelming feeling over me - restlessness.
however, i also don't know what i feel like doing, or whether i even have the energy to do anything at all, which is making the boredom difficult to ease.
i considered stepping outside of my box and going to the pub down the street to get a bite to eat. and then i realized that it was a saturday night and i didn't really want to be that woman who went to a pub on a saturday night at 9 pm, alone. but i'm still hungry. and i have no good food in the house.
i listened to my Italian language CDs. i looked through my DVDs. i eyeballed my stacks of unread books. i already danced this morning while i was doing some chores so i don't feel like doing that again. i took the Lunatic for a walk in the cool, crisp air and she really wasn't that interested in it so i came back inside. i'm not tired enough to go to sleep.
i even thought of CALLING people. on the PHONE. THAT is how bored i am. instead, i turn to the only thing i know how to do when nothing else will do - write and overanalyze.
what is boredom? moreover, is this boredom i'm feeling, or is it something else entirely, like depression? does boredom stem from over-stimulation of the senses or from lack of motivation? what cures boredom for someone whose usual activities signal boredom to other people?
admittedly, i sent Crush a text to see what he was doing in the hopes that his answer would be nothing so i'd have an opening. but he said he was staying home with his housemate and watching a movie. he didn't mention what movie when i asked. i think it's porn. and i think he might be gay. but that's another post entirely.
anyway, back to my boredom. i don't even want to watch a movie or one of my favorite shows on DVD. i've been "fishing" for 30 minutes, and have cast out a few friendly nets just to see if i can get a bite, if you pick up what i'm layin' down.
it's 10:30. i'm going to bed.
i haven't felt this bored since i was home over the Christmas break. i'm literally wandering from room to room, thinking about what to do.
i lie - i know how it happened. i remembered that Ballet BC was doing a performance tonight and i went online to see if i could find tickets as tonight was the last night of the show. there were still tickets left, even the cheapest ones, and i contemplated going alone. i decided to text Doc Tardy to see if she wanted to go but she already had plans. my mistake came when i decided that i shouldn't go, because i reminded myself that February was going to be the month i did not spend extraneously.
instead, i finished the book for my new book club (where we are only studying this one book) and then took some notes for our meeting tomorrow. and then, this overwhelming feeling over me - restlessness.
however, i also don't know what i feel like doing, or whether i even have the energy to do anything at all, which is making the boredom difficult to ease.
i considered stepping outside of my box and going to the pub down the street to get a bite to eat. and then i realized that it was a saturday night and i didn't really want to be that woman who went to a pub on a saturday night at 9 pm, alone. but i'm still hungry. and i have no good food in the house.
i listened to my Italian language CDs. i looked through my DVDs. i eyeballed my stacks of unread books. i already danced this morning while i was doing some chores so i don't feel like doing that again. i took the Lunatic for a walk in the cool, crisp air and she really wasn't that interested in it so i came back inside. i'm not tired enough to go to sleep.
i even thought of CALLING people. on the PHONE. THAT is how bored i am. instead, i turn to the only thing i know how to do when nothing else will do - write and overanalyze.
what is boredom? moreover, is this boredom i'm feeling, or is it something else entirely, like depression? does boredom stem from over-stimulation of the senses or from lack of motivation? what cures boredom for someone whose usual activities signal boredom to other people?
admittedly, i sent Crush a text to see what he was doing in the hopes that his answer would be nothing so i'd have an opening. but he said he was staying home with his housemate and watching a movie. he didn't mention what movie when i asked. i think it's porn. and i think he might be gay. but that's another post entirely.
anyway, back to my boredom. i don't even want to watch a movie or one of my favorite shows on DVD. i've been "fishing" for 30 minutes, and have cast out a few friendly nets just to see if i can get a bite, if you pick up what i'm layin' down.
it's 10:30. i'm going to bed.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
happy chinese new year
goodbye, year of the tiger. you know, i may have said this before, but everyone has said that 2010 was a really rough year and they're all glad it's over. i don't know why, but it wasn't that bad for me. yes, my grandma died, which is never easy, but overall, i had a pretty good 2010. i guess i'd actually have to view my posts for 2010 to really know, but i don't remember anything really awful happen. my goldfish memory serves me well, yet again.
BabyMan was born the same year as me, but on january 22. for 34 years, he honestly believed he was born in the year of the dragon. last year, i broke the news to him that because he was born before chinese new year, that he was actually born in the previous animal year. being a guy, he said, "which one is that? year of the tiger? the ox? the snake??" i looked it up and reported back to him with the bad news. he was a Rabbit. a fluffy, white bunny. he was not pleased.
on thursday, i wished him a happy new year and he refused to believe he was not a dragon. if anything, he said, he was a fire-breathing rabbit. so i sent him a picture of a fire-breathing rabbit. he asked where i could have possibly found it from. i said, "i googled it." you can get just about anything from the internet in a matter of seconds.
tomrrow is the superbowl. i am going to be meeting A for lunch and we're going to wander around her neck of the woods to see whether we can find a place to sit and watch the game. and watch guys watching the game. and maybe meet the guys watching the game. here's hoping!
BabyMan was born the same year as me, but on january 22. for 34 years, he honestly believed he was born in the year of the dragon. last year, i broke the news to him that because he was born before chinese new year, that he was actually born in the previous animal year. being a guy, he said, "which one is that? year of the tiger? the ox? the snake??" i looked it up and reported back to him with the bad news. he was a Rabbit. a fluffy, white bunny. he was not pleased.
on thursday, i wished him a happy new year and he refused to believe he was not a dragon. if anything, he said, he was a fire-breathing rabbit. so i sent him a picture of a fire-breathing rabbit. he asked where i could have possibly found it from. i said, "i googled it." you can get just about anything from the internet in a matter of seconds.
tomrrow is the superbowl. i am going to be meeting A for lunch and we're going to wander around her neck of the woods to see whether we can find a place to sit and watch the game. and watch guys watching the game. and maybe meet the guys watching the game. here's hoping!
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
in all seriousness
i was visiting with my mom on sunday and, as usual, we started talking about money. five years ago, this post would be about how my mom was just trying to ruin my life and boss me around and blah, blah, blah. now, i realize that when it comes to money, you listen to a woman who paid off fully the mortgage on a duplex at the age of 35. that kind of woman deserves respect.
but she also made me really depressed. she encouraged me to look for work where company or government pensions were offered (because we all know that i'm not a good saver). i got my back up, of course, and was just about to say, "that's my plan when i'm 35!" and then i realized that i turn 35 in six months. faaaaaaaaaaaaack.
i went home feeling despondent. i still love my job. i still have so much more to learn in my job. it's a job and a career that i could be working in for the next ten years, without being bored. but she's absolutely right. and further, the reality is that the older i get, the less likely it is that i'm going to get married and have that elusive second income. i can't keep hoping that the other half of my "DINK" fantasy is coming my way. i have to start planning for my future, now.
the way i see it, if all goes well, i'll retire in good health in 30 years. i can work for 30 more years. it doesn't daunt me. that's plenty of time to jolt my RRSP back to life. but she kept pushing me to get a job with a pension. the problem with that is those kinds of jobs bore me to tears.
i can't say that - maybe there is a job out there that offers a nice pension that i can grow in. or maybe there's a reason why i left my nice, cushy union job that was earning me a government pension and good benefits.
i decided to look at my old pay stubs from my union days to see how much was being taken from each paycheque and being put into the pension fund. but i discovered that i recycled those long ago (see? the minute i throw something out, i need it!). i looked over my yearly pension statements and it appears that every year, maybe about $1000 - 1300 was being taken from my paycheque. i know they invest in mutual funds. if i can do that, plus my RRSP, it'll be like i had a union job. except that i won't have the benefits when i retire.
being an adult sucks sometimes. but at least i now have a new focus, a new "project" to consider once i get back to work and have to deal with seeing Crush everyday again.
and no, the cute guy hasn't called. i'll give it until friday, and then i'll delete his number. yes, i realize i can call him but i'd really like him to call me first. decisions, decisions.
but she also made me really depressed. she encouraged me to look for work where company or government pensions were offered (because we all know that i'm not a good saver). i got my back up, of course, and was just about to say, "that's my plan when i'm 35!" and then i realized that i turn 35 in six months. faaaaaaaaaaaaack.
i went home feeling despondent. i still love my job. i still have so much more to learn in my job. it's a job and a career that i could be working in for the next ten years, without being bored. but she's absolutely right. and further, the reality is that the older i get, the less likely it is that i'm going to get married and have that elusive second income. i can't keep hoping that the other half of my "DINK" fantasy is coming my way. i have to start planning for my future, now.
the way i see it, if all goes well, i'll retire in good health in 30 years. i can work for 30 more years. it doesn't daunt me. that's plenty of time to jolt my RRSP back to life. but she kept pushing me to get a job with a pension. the problem with that is those kinds of jobs bore me to tears.
i can't say that - maybe there is a job out there that offers a nice pension that i can grow in. or maybe there's a reason why i left my nice, cushy union job that was earning me a government pension and good benefits.
i decided to look at my old pay stubs from my union days to see how much was being taken from each paycheque and being put into the pension fund. but i discovered that i recycled those long ago (see? the minute i throw something out, i need it!). i looked over my yearly pension statements and it appears that every year, maybe about $1000 - 1300 was being taken from my paycheque. i know they invest in mutual funds. if i can do that, plus my RRSP, it'll be like i had a union job. except that i won't have the benefits when i retire.
being an adult sucks sometimes. but at least i now have a new focus, a new "project" to consider once i get back to work and have to deal with seeing Crush everyday again.
and no, the cute guy hasn't called. i'll give it until friday, and then i'll delete his number. yes, i realize i can call him but i'd really like him to call me first. decisions, decisions.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
happy new year
my first post of 2011. hurrah!
i was a bit of a new year's grinch last night. as Doc Tardy and i were driving to our new year's party venue, she was being (unusually) pro-active/positive about 2011, telling me that it would be "our year". i grumped and said, "we've been saying that for the past three years."
i wasn't even particularly excited about going out for new year's. once again, it was something that i felt i had to do in order to be "interesting" or "normal" or "cool". i chose the venue we went to because, at the very least, it wouldn't be overrun with 19-year olds on their first legal new year's bender.
the evening turned out to be great. we had planned to meet up with a guy from high school who we knew was going to be there with friends. i remembered him as a little awkward and a bit annoying but he turned out to be loads of fun. very positive and up for a good time. and as luck would have it, a good thing we met up as all six of the friends he was with (3 couples) bailed on him before midnight. i guess they thought it would be okay since Doc and i were there. anyway, both he and Doc Tardy got decidedly buzzed on the 6 bottles of mini-champagnes we acquired. it amounted to about one bottle of full-sized champagne each.
i also met a cute guy while on the nearly-empty dance floor. his friend was the one who sidled up to me first. initially, i thought the friend was the one who was interested in me and, while there was no attraction to him on my part, he was funny and hey, it's 2011 - time to put away pretenses, at least for the night. turns out he was the wingman because once his friend and i started chatting, he took off. the cute guy and i had several dances and indeed, he enjoyed twirling me and did so at every chance he got.
at one point, we were standing and chatting about the movie they had been looping on the TV screens all night and this young guy who had been watching us from the sidelines came up to us and started talking to me. the cute guy sat down with another one of his friends and the young guy and i continued to chat. he was a bit more than loaded and said to me, "you see that guy in the blue shirt to your left? i think he was hitting on you." i feigned surprise and he continued, "yeah, so i decided to come in for the rescue. see, he walked off!" i figured he was too drunk to explain that i was okay about being hit on. but he left eventually.
when my little group decided it was time to go, i walked over to the cute guy and said we were going. he asked for one last twirl, which turned into a lot of turning, a some close-hold dancing, and a lot of hand holding. finally, i had to say goodbye and told him that it was really nice to meet him. lots of smiling, lots of eye contact and he said, "can i call you?" and i walked away with a phone number.
Eug educated me that he won't call until monday, but we'll see if he calls at all. i'd like him to. he was nice. he didn't even try to kiss me, even though i could tell he wanted to. maybe he wasn't as drunk as i thought he was...or at least, as drunk as his wingman was.
as for Crush, i had asked him to come to my venue if he didn't end up doing anything for new years. he was predictably vague. i was predictably disheartened. but the cute guy kind of softens that blow, at least for the time being.
2011 - this is our year! ;)
i was a bit of a new year's grinch last night. as Doc Tardy and i were driving to our new year's party venue, she was being (unusually) pro-active/positive about 2011, telling me that it would be "our year". i grumped and said, "we've been saying that for the past three years."
i wasn't even particularly excited about going out for new year's. once again, it was something that i felt i had to do in order to be "interesting" or "normal" or "cool". i chose the venue we went to because, at the very least, it wouldn't be overrun with 19-year olds on their first legal new year's bender.
the evening turned out to be great. we had planned to meet up with a guy from high school who we knew was going to be there with friends. i remembered him as a little awkward and a bit annoying but he turned out to be loads of fun. very positive and up for a good time. and as luck would have it, a good thing we met up as all six of the friends he was with (3 couples) bailed on him before midnight. i guess they thought it would be okay since Doc and i were there. anyway, both he and Doc Tardy got decidedly buzzed on the 6 bottles of mini-champagnes we acquired. it amounted to about one bottle of full-sized champagne each.
i also met a cute guy while on the nearly-empty dance floor. his friend was the one who sidled up to me first. initially, i thought the friend was the one who was interested in me and, while there was no attraction to him on my part, he was funny and hey, it's 2011 - time to put away pretenses, at least for the night. turns out he was the wingman because once his friend and i started chatting, he took off. the cute guy and i had several dances and indeed, he enjoyed twirling me and did so at every chance he got.
at one point, we were standing and chatting about the movie they had been looping on the TV screens all night and this young guy who had been watching us from the sidelines came up to us and started talking to me. the cute guy sat down with another one of his friends and the young guy and i continued to chat. he was a bit more than loaded and said to me, "you see that guy in the blue shirt to your left? i think he was hitting on you." i feigned surprise and he continued, "yeah, so i decided to come in for the rescue. see, he walked off!" i figured he was too drunk to explain that i was okay about being hit on. but he left eventually.
when my little group decided it was time to go, i walked over to the cute guy and said we were going. he asked for one last twirl, which turned into a lot of turning, a some close-hold dancing, and a lot of hand holding. finally, i had to say goodbye and told him that it was really nice to meet him. lots of smiling, lots of eye contact and he said, "can i call you?" and i walked away with a phone number.
Eug educated me that he won't call until monday, but we'll see if he calls at all. i'd like him to. he was nice. he didn't even try to kiss me, even though i could tell he wanted to. maybe he wasn't as drunk as i thought he was...or at least, as drunk as his wingman was.
as for Crush, i had asked him to come to my venue if he didn't end up doing anything for new years. he was predictably vague. i was predictably disheartened. but the cute guy kind of softens that blow, at least for the time being.
2011 - this is our year! ;)
Monday, December 27, 2010
i am love
while scrolling through my news feed on FB, i noticed a post from the Jason Mraz page that read, "And Now Back To Being In Love". of course, that got my attention.
i read the post and it introduced me to a book by Cafe Gratitude (the owners or something like that) about being love. not being in love, but being love itself. the book is called "Kindred Spirit: Fulfilling Love's Promise." it is a book-version of a relationship seminar that they offer at the cafe. their premise is that instead of waiting for love to come to us, that we should just be love itself. i was intrigued.
i read the page-excerpt from the book that was posted and, honestly, it sounded like a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo. but i think that between all of the airy-fairy sentiments, there is something there.
and, like Mraz says on his post, the idea of it comes from many major religions so it's not something that's new. but as i always say, the reminder is nice to have. "Be the change you want to see in the world" is one of my favorite quotes. perhaps the idea of being love is something that i need to integrate into my life. still waters run very deep with me, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let a ripple or two cut the smooth surface every now and then.
i went onto the Cafe Gratitude website and was poised to buy the book, but then saw a tote bag with the cafe's logo, "What are you grateful for?" printed on it, and i decided to buy that too. except i didn't know how big the bag was, so i emailed the store to see what the dimensions were. no point in buying it if it's too small to carry anything in, yes? so, my Cafe Gratitude shopping cart is sitting, waiting to hear back from the administrative office. ah, red tape.
anyway, the thought of the book inspired me (again) to start my 10 commandments for 2011. and during my annual viewing of "The Holiday", i had another inspired thought for a new project for the year (and possibly down the road, my book): "365 Day Hi". the play on words refers to the "high" you get from getting a smile or hello response from a stranger. i've decided that, come january 1, 2011, i am going to say hi or smile genuinely at a stranger everyday, and see what comes of it. lord knows i can expound on any experience i have, ad nauseum, so it shouldn't be hard to do a 1 or 2 page chapter on each day. i don't expect to be able to do it on all days next year, but i'm certainly going to try. it'll give me something to focus on, other than things that i focus on that i shouldn't focus on. ahem.
i read the post and it introduced me to a book by Cafe Gratitude (the owners or something like that) about being love. not being in love, but being love itself. the book is called "Kindred Spirit: Fulfilling Love's Promise." it is a book-version of a relationship seminar that they offer at the cafe. their premise is that instead of waiting for love to come to us, that we should just be love itself. i was intrigued.
i read the page-excerpt from the book that was posted and, honestly, it sounded like a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo. but i think that between all of the airy-fairy sentiments, there is something there.
and, like Mraz says on his post, the idea of it comes from many major religions so it's not something that's new. but as i always say, the reminder is nice to have. "Be the change you want to see in the world" is one of my favorite quotes. perhaps the idea of being love is something that i need to integrate into my life. still waters run very deep with me, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let a ripple or two cut the smooth surface every now and then.
i went onto the Cafe Gratitude website and was poised to buy the book, but then saw a tote bag with the cafe's logo, "What are you grateful for?" printed on it, and i decided to buy that too. except i didn't know how big the bag was, so i emailed the store to see what the dimensions were. no point in buying it if it's too small to carry anything in, yes? so, my Cafe Gratitude shopping cart is sitting, waiting to hear back from the administrative office. ah, red tape.
anyway, the thought of the book inspired me (again) to start my 10 commandments for 2011. and during my annual viewing of "The Holiday", i had another inspired thought for a new project for the year (and possibly down the road, my book): "365 Day Hi". the play on words refers to the "high" you get from getting a smile or hello response from a stranger. i've decided that, come january 1, 2011, i am going to say hi or smile genuinely at a stranger everyday, and see what comes of it. lord knows i can expound on any experience i have, ad nauseum, so it shouldn't be hard to do a 1 or 2 page chapter on each day. i don't expect to be able to do it on all days next year, but i'm certainly going to try. it'll give me something to focus on, other than things that i focus on that i shouldn't focus on. ahem.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Benylin day
i woke up this morning and i wasn't feeling great. i could've gone to work and i could've made it through the day operating at about 55 to 60%. i even showered and had a nice breakfast. but as i sat on my bed, willing myself to get dressed, i remembered earlier this year when i forced myself to go to work, only to leave at 10:30. at that point, i decided to call in "crappy".
i emailed my lawyers and my admin and said i felt like crap but i'd be in tomorrow. i then called Sands and left her a voicemail on the general mailbox. and then i slept for another 3 hours.
i woke up feeling rested, but i was achy. not a good sign. i then got up, took an advil. things got better from there.
i checked my email and there were a few messages from work, mostly of the "feel better" kind. then i see BabyMan, who was not on the email i sent initially, had sent me a message that said, "Crush is not in either. This place is exploding with suggestions and innuendo."
i emailed him back, saying, "When he gets out of the shower, I’ll tell him." he didn't respond, but i'm sure i heard him laugh from here.
i slept more during the day and really, today's BD was the best thing i could've done for myself. i feel much better and i now feel like i can get through the next two weeks before i'm off. why other people don't do it, i'll never understand.
i emailed my lawyers and my admin and said i felt like crap but i'd be in tomorrow. i then called Sands and left her a voicemail on the general mailbox. and then i slept for another 3 hours.
i woke up feeling rested, but i was achy. not a good sign. i then got up, took an advil. things got better from there.
i checked my email and there were a few messages from work, mostly of the "feel better" kind. then i see BabyMan, who was not on the email i sent initially, had sent me a message that said, "Crush is not in either. This place is exploding with suggestions and innuendo."
i emailed him back, saying, "When he gets out of the shower, I’ll tell him." he didn't respond, but i'm sure i heard him laugh from here.
i slept more during the day and really, today's BD was the best thing i could've done for myself. i feel much better and i now feel like i can get through the next two weeks before i'm off. why other people don't do it, i'll never understand.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
someone else gets it!
i'm skipping a choir concert this afternoon because i'm feeling run down and i have too much to do. so what do i do? a bunch of chores and now am surfing the internet whilst listening to (not watching) Disney's "Fantasia".
anyway, while on my favorite style blogger's website, i happened upon another website. i didn't think much of it when i linked to it - i figured it was just someone like me, pontificating about life and their philosopies on same.
i was right, but this woman has taken it to a new level - the public level. i read her post about finding your purpose, which we all know is my obsession in life, among other things.
it's not so much about what she wrote, it's more that she discussed "ego v. spirit", which is something i struggle with constantly. basically, you know you're capable of doing one thing, but you're "stuck" doing something else that brings you a certain level of satisfaction (perhaps a great level of satisfaction). your ego tells you, "there's more to life than this!" and even though you're happy with where you are or with what you're doing or with who you have become, your ego knocks you off balance and makes you think you're still a long way from success.
but whose idea of success? yours? your parents'? your friends'? society's? in that post, she encourages her readers to be patient and to have faith that the trajectory of our lives is what we set it on, and not what other people want it set on. it's not about sitting back and seeing how things go but rather, that if you continue on with what brings you joy and what makes you feel fulfilled, that your ideal life (i.e. not someone else's version of ideal) will unfold before you.
it's not something i didn't know before, but it's nice to be reminded, not just for my own life, but to remind me that other peoples' lives are products of their own hopes, wishes and ideas. just because someone isn't living the life i would lead or do lead, doesn't mean they're not living a full life, which means i don't have any right to try to change it. i may have an opinion (and as i get older and more comfortable with who i have become, i have a lot of opinions), but it doesn't mean it's transferrable to someone else's life.
ego-check.
anyway, while on my favorite style blogger's website, i happened upon another website. i didn't think much of it when i linked to it - i figured it was just someone like me, pontificating about life and their philosopies on same.
i was right, but this woman has taken it to a new level - the public level. i read her post about finding your purpose, which we all know is my obsession in life, among other things.
it's not so much about what she wrote, it's more that she discussed "ego v. spirit", which is something i struggle with constantly. basically, you know you're capable of doing one thing, but you're "stuck" doing something else that brings you a certain level of satisfaction (perhaps a great level of satisfaction). your ego tells you, "there's more to life than this!" and even though you're happy with where you are or with what you're doing or with who you have become, your ego knocks you off balance and makes you think you're still a long way from success.
but whose idea of success? yours? your parents'? your friends'? society's? in that post, she encourages her readers to be patient and to have faith that the trajectory of our lives is what we set it on, and not what other people want it set on. it's not about sitting back and seeing how things go but rather, that if you continue on with what brings you joy and what makes you feel fulfilled, that your ideal life (i.e. not someone else's version of ideal) will unfold before you.
it's not something i didn't know before, but it's nice to be reminded, not just for my own life, but to remind me that other peoples' lives are products of their own hopes, wishes and ideas. just because someone isn't living the life i would lead or do lead, doesn't mean they're not living a full life, which means i don't have any right to try to change it. i may have an opinion (and as i get older and more comfortable with who i have become, i have a lot of opinions), but it doesn't mean it's transferrable to someone else's life.
ego-check.
Monday, November 22, 2010
filter
as i get older, larger holes appear in the filter on my mouth that prevents things that i will regret saying from coming out.
Crush's first day back from his training course was today. i'll admit - i was excited but trying to be cool and aloof. by 8:45 he was at my desk for a candy. the first thing he said was, "Exams suck." i asked him how things went and he repeated his initial statement. i then decided to up the teasing and asked him whether he had to take any of the remedial classes.
he smiled and said, "not for a couple of weeks, anyway." and then went on to say how stressful it was to be waiting for his marks to find out whether he passed. and this is when it all flashed before me - that little being that sits on your shoulder (or, in this specific instance, the little being that was perched atop his shaved, pre-maturely bald head) and whispers, "no, don't say that. don't...wait, don't!" as i was saying it, i knew i shouldn't, but i did anyway:
"well, at least you can't lose anymore hair." oh.no.you.did.nt.
he smiled (only slightly) and said, "ouch." i relayed the story to BabyMan, who promptly shook his bowed head and said, "no, no! you're supposed to be showering him with compliments and blinking a lot!"
despite the slight, Crush still came to see me twice afterwards - once when he came back to the office on a lunch break and once after he returned from court for the day. he couldn't have been that offended. but i am placing the filter on hypersort for the next little while, anyway.
Crush's first day back from his training course was today. i'll admit - i was excited but trying to be cool and aloof. by 8:45 he was at my desk for a candy. the first thing he said was, "Exams suck." i asked him how things went and he repeated his initial statement. i then decided to up the teasing and asked him whether he had to take any of the remedial classes.
he smiled and said, "not for a couple of weeks, anyway." and then went on to say how stressful it was to be waiting for his marks to find out whether he passed. and this is when it all flashed before me - that little being that sits on your shoulder (or, in this specific instance, the little being that was perched atop his shaved, pre-maturely bald head) and whispers, "no, don't say that. don't...wait, don't!" as i was saying it, i knew i shouldn't, but i did anyway:
"well, at least you can't lose anymore hair." oh.no.you.did.nt.
he smiled (only slightly) and said, "ouch." i relayed the story to BabyMan, who promptly shook his bowed head and said, "no, no! you're supposed to be showering him with compliments and blinking a lot!"
despite the slight, Crush still came to see me twice afterwards - once when he came back to the office on a lunch break and once after he returned from court for the day. he couldn't have been that offended. but i am placing the filter on hypersort for the next little while, anyway.
Monday, November 15, 2010
food
the thing about eating healthier? all i think about is food.
on thursday, day six of my staycation and for the SECOND time in six days, i ate an entire bag of old dutch ketchup chips (the 225 g bag) in one sitting. two things occurred to me, as i licked that delicious, tangy, red chemical-seasoning off my fingers:
a) i am obviously having some undiscovered issues that i'm dealing with by eating; and
b) it's time to start being accountable for my eating habits again.
so, i counted my calories for thursday and did the initial weigh-in and measurements. i've gained 7 lbs since january, although my measurements haven't changed too much.
i've been pretty good about not bingeing, although that half-eaten bag of ketchup chips that still in the cupboard was calling me today. i staved off the craving by munching on chocolate-covered macadamia nuts (only 4 - that's 98 calories - oh, god, i'm becoming one of Those People).
i've also been doing TV exercises - a mixed-bag of weights, yoga, cardio and boxing. not all at the same time.
all i really want to do is melt off some of the fat i've gained in the mid-section. the reason i got the stupid navel ring was so that i could keep myself in check. after all, a navel ring isn't sexy if it's trapped in between layers of stomach fat. oh, i just shuddered at the mental picture.
my other motivation? the sexy dress i got for the Christmas party this year. it'll be hard to act like Crush should be eating his heart out when i'm too busy eating everyone's leftovers and wishing i had worn a empire-waist dress instead of a sheath cut.
time to count today's TCI.
on thursday, day six of my staycation and for the SECOND time in six days, i ate an entire bag of old dutch ketchup chips (the 225 g bag) in one sitting. two things occurred to me, as i licked that delicious, tangy, red chemical-seasoning off my fingers:
a) i am obviously having some undiscovered issues that i'm dealing with by eating; and
b) it's time to start being accountable for my eating habits again.
so, i counted my calories for thursday and did the initial weigh-in and measurements. i've gained 7 lbs since january, although my measurements haven't changed too much.
i've been pretty good about not bingeing, although that half-eaten bag of ketchup chips that still in the cupboard was calling me today. i staved off the craving by munching on chocolate-covered macadamia nuts (only 4 - that's 98 calories - oh, god, i'm becoming one of Those People).
i've also been doing TV exercises - a mixed-bag of weights, yoga, cardio and boxing. not all at the same time.
all i really want to do is melt off some of the fat i've gained in the mid-section. the reason i got the stupid navel ring was so that i could keep myself in check. after all, a navel ring isn't sexy if it's trapped in between layers of stomach fat. oh, i just shuddered at the mental picture.
my other motivation? the sexy dress i got for the Christmas party this year. it'll be hard to act like Crush should be eating his heart out when i'm too busy eating everyone's leftovers and wishing i had worn a empire-waist dress instead of a sheath cut.
time to count today's TCI.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
ire
i have this week off. when i was chatting with Bertrand at after work drinks on friday and mentioned i took this week off, he said, "of course you do. there's a stat holiday right in the middle." it's sweet he remembers my penchant for taking holidays around stat holidays so i get more bang for my buck, so to speak.
my plan this week was to get out and be a tourist in my own town and maybe do a day trip to another town here and there. i was going to see the botanical gardens at UBC, visit the suspension bridge, check out the exhibit at the museum, get a mani/pedi. so far, i went shopping at bellis and that's about it. my secondary plan, should the weather not cooperate, was to finally clean out the den and toss/recycle/donate a bunch of stuff. so far, i've managed to vet my closet, but i've been doing that slowly over the past few months. i took four huge bags of clothes to drop off at the donation bin and i still have a closet and drawers full of stuff.
my den. oh my den. when i look at it, i can see that it's easy enough to just put stuff away where it's supposed to be, or put stuff in storage. i know the desk needs to be cleaned and things need to be thrown away. i've already determined i'm going to donate a lot of my text books (novels) that i've been holding onto so that when i finally have bookshelves, i can line them with books that make me look smarter than i am (they're all paperbacks anyway. that doesn't say smart.). i was even smart enough not to think i'd even get to painting it (i'm hoping that gets done during my two weeks off at Christmas and new years). so what am i doing, blogging about it?
i'm not angry enough to throw anything out. i need to be upset or angry or feel hopeless about something. then i don't hesitate. everything just gets tossed out and i never think about it again (except my old cassette tapes. i just saw something on etsy.com where a girl re-fashions cassette tape cases into business card holders. i could do that for my desk!). right now, i'm feeling good and relaxed which means when i try to clean, i just look at stuff and reminisce. instead of tossing out clothes, i try them on and either think about how the me now measures up (literally and figuratively) to the me when i bought it the first time or i try to think of ways to refashion it so i can use it now. then i start trying on outfits and all of a sudden, three hours have passed and all i've done is parade around in high heels and an array of old clothes that should be donated but "i could still wear". yes, i could still wear it, but why would i when i can just go out and buy new things?
so then i think i should put on some good music to motivate me, but then i spend an hour doing bad mariah carey impressions (think finger to one ear and a waving stop with the other) and re-living my bar star days with the one-person dance party.
as you can tell, i'm procrastinating.
my plan this week was to get out and be a tourist in my own town and maybe do a day trip to another town here and there. i was going to see the botanical gardens at UBC, visit the suspension bridge, check out the exhibit at the museum, get a mani/pedi. so far, i went shopping at bellis and that's about it. my secondary plan, should the weather not cooperate, was to finally clean out the den and toss/recycle/donate a bunch of stuff. so far, i've managed to vet my closet, but i've been doing that slowly over the past few months. i took four huge bags of clothes to drop off at the donation bin and i still have a closet and drawers full of stuff.
my den. oh my den. when i look at it, i can see that it's easy enough to just put stuff away where it's supposed to be, or put stuff in storage. i know the desk needs to be cleaned and things need to be thrown away. i've already determined i'm going to donate a lot of my text books (novels) that i've been holding onto so that when i finally have bookshelves, i can line them with books that make me look smarter than i am (they're all paperbacks anyway. that doesn't say smart.). i was even smart enough not to think i'd even get to painting it (i'm hoping that gets done during my two weeks off at Christmas and new years). so what am i doing, blogging about it?
i'm not angry enough to throw anything out. i need to be upset or angry or feel hopeless about something. then i don't hesitate. everything just gets tossed out and i never think about it again (except my old cassette tapes. i just saw something on etsy.com where a girl re-fashions cassette tape cases into business card holders. i could do that for my desk!). right now, i'm feeling good and relaxed which means when i try to clean, i just look at stuff and reminisce. instead of tossing out clothes, i try them on and either think about how the me now measures up (literally and figuratively) to the me when i bought it the first time or i try to think of ways to refashion it so i can use it now. then i start trying on outfits and all of a sudden, three hours have passed and all i've done is parade around in high heels and an array of old clothes that should be donated but "i could still wear". yes, i could still wear it, but why would i when i can just go out and buy new things?
so then i think i should put on some good music to motivate me, but then i spend an hour doing bad mariah carey impressions (think finger to one ear and a waving stop with the other) and re-living my bar star days with the one-person dance party.
as you can tell, i'm procrastinating.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
games
if i had to base my future interactions with men on what i've read on askmen.com, i'd be screwed. everything i've read on that site so far is exactly the opposite of what i've been lead to believe. by whom, i can't remember.
i was reading a couple of the "Top 10" lists on the site, both having to do with how guys should meet women or get a woman to notice him. the lists encouraged men to try to stand out from the crowd, but they also encouraged them to not show they were too interested. "it's even more important to give the impression you're too busy to even care if she (texts) you back. Plus, when you lie back and stay cool, she’ll assume you're busy with other women."
they want to drive us crazy! they're not just being thoughtless guys; they're playing the game! now, granted, some guys really are just thoughtless guys, but this site, these lists, these advice columns written by guys for guys, are all throwing everything i thought true about men and relationships in the toilet.
this requires a complete overhaul of my game plan, for Crush and in general. it turns out that men actually may be thinking about the whole process of dating more than i thought.
oh the humanity!
i was reading a couple of the "Top 10" lists on the site, both having to do with how guys should meet women or get a woman to notice him. the lists encouraged men to try to stand out from the crowd, but they also encouraged them to not show they were too interested. "it's even more important to give the impression you're too busy to even care if she (texts) you back. Plus, when you lie back and stay cool, she’ll assume you're busy with other women."
they want to drive us crazy! they're not just being thoughtless guys; they're playing the game! now, granted, some guys really are just thoughtless guys, but this site, these lists, these advice columns written by guys for guys, are all throwing everything i thought true about men and relationships in the toilet.
this requires a complete overhaul of my game plan, for Crush and in general. it turns out that men actually may be thinking about the whole process of dating more than i thought.
oh the humanity!
four-leaf jasmine?
i am lucky. i usually get pretty darn good parking spaces. i always seem to find great deals on clothes and shoes. i manage to make the best out of f-ups i make at work and in fact, make it look like i pulled a rabbit out of the proverbial hat at the last minute. i was always a "B" student, regardless of how hard, or how little, i tried at school. things have generally come easy for me, and i'm thankful for that.
but i think my luck has run out. this past weekend, i had to trim down my beloved jasmine plant yet again. i went 10 days without watering it, which is not something i've never done before. sometimes i overwater and that's not good for her either. but this time, for some reason, she decided she wasn't going to make it easy for me to revive her.
she's trimmed to the bare twigs and it's not looking promising. the bottom twigs are brown, not green, so those are basically just tubes for transporting nutrients further up the way. but there isn't a lot of green to be seen right now, and i don't think the tide will turn in my favour.
it was a $7.00 plant - i got it at home depot on the clearance rack. it was just a small plant, but it managed to bloom again this summer, there was an abundance of the fragrant, little white flowers this summer. that might be the last for awhile.
just a reminder that i should never just rely on my luck to get me by in life - that life requires active participation and nurturing in order to flourish. as far as reminders go, i think i'd rather lose a plant than lose something else.
but i think my luck has run out. this past weekend, i had to trim down my beloved jasmine plant yet again. i went 10 days without watering it, which is not something i've never done before. sometimes i overwater and that's not good for her either. but this time, for some reason, she decided she wasn't going to make it easy for me to revive her.
she's trimmed to the bare twigs and it's not looking promising. the bottom twigs are brown, not green, so those are basically just tubes for transporting nutrients further up the way. but there isn't a lot of green to be seen right now, and i don't think the tide will turn in my favour.
it was a $7.00 plant - i got it at home depot on the clearance rack. it was just a small plant, but it managed to bloom again this summer, there was an abundance of the fragrant, little white flowers this summer. that might be the last for awhile.
just a reminder that i should never just rely on my luck to get me by in life - that life requires active participation and nurturing in order to flourish. as far as reminders go, i think i'd rather lose a plant than lose something else.
Friday, October 22, 2010
3 times
on tuesday, i was sitting at my desk at about 8:30, just getting into my day and i felt a presence walk behind me. i looked up into the glass of the picture beside me and saw Crush. before i had time to rub my eyes and ensure i was not seeing things, he said, "hey."
i turned around to face him in total surprise and said, "what are you doing here? don't you have class this morning?" and he said, as he rounded my corner to stand in front of me, "yeah, but i had to get some research." i asked him how things were going and he said he hated it. he gave a brief account of how he had gotten into some "interesting" arguments with his groupmates and i said mockingly, "well, at least you're making friends." he replied with, "apparently i don't like to be wrong..." i then wished him a good day and he walked off.
he hadn't been by since a couple of weeks ago when he had to change into his suit for one of his oral exams. i made a concerted effort since then not to contact him on FB, and began to get used to not seeing him everyday. in fact, the last day i saw him a couple of weeks ago, i had met a couple of my single girlfriends for dinner that night and they convinced me that he was totally playing me. i knew they were wrong, as he really is too thick to be that clever, but i knew they were right when they said i had to move the candy dish to spot on my desk where, if he happened to come by and get candy, i wouldn't have to face him. so i did.
fast forward to yesterday. again, sitting at my desk in the afternoon, working away, and i look up at the glass in the picture again and i see Crush. says he's returning a book he borrowed the other day to finish his paper. i think that's a fair excuse, no?
when he was in yesterday, Sands invited him to the lawyers' appreciation lunch that happened today. he said he likely wouldn't be able to make it but he'd try. he didn't make it. but come 5:15 pm when the after-work drinks group is breaking up and some people are starting to leave, who do i hear in the kitchen? Crush. he didn't come in to say hi, but i poked my head in his door to see if he was there but he was nose-deep in a book. i decided to wait and see whether he'd come find me.
i was one of the last people to leave tonight. i made sure that i bid a loud adieu in the main hallway to a couple of people that left before me, so that Crush would likely hear me. i went to grab my stuff and log off my computer. five minutes later as i am about to walk through the library to get to the elevators, guess who's standing there, reading a book.
i feign surprise, and stop on the other side of the table from him. i ask him what he's doing there and he says he's doing research for a paper he has to finish by monday. i would have thought nothing of it until he said, "yeah, i decided to do my research here so i could avoid signing in at the law library." really? that's the only reason why? come on! we chat a bit more, make a couple of eyes at each other, and i even managed a flirty-flirty smack on the hand and a "shut up!" when he said that the only reason people were crying during my speech was because i was making them sit through a speech. (NB they weren't actually crying. i just told him they were because it was a damn good speech)
maybe this ignoring thing is working. or maybe he really is just doing research. time will tell.
i turned around to face him in total surprise and said, "what are you doing here? don't you have class this morning?" and he said, as he rounded my corner to stand in front of me, "yeah, but i had to get some research." i asked him how things were going and he said he hated it. he gave a brief account of how he had gotten into some "interesting" arguments with his groupmates and i said mockingly, "well, at least you're making friends." he replied with, "apparently i don't like to be wrong..." i then wished him a good day and he walked off.
he hadn't been by since a couple of weeks ago when he had to change into his suit for one of his oral exams. i made a concerted effort since then not to contact him on FB, and began to get used to not seeing him everyday. in fact, the last day i saw him a couple of weeks ago, i had met a couple of my single girlfriends for dinner that night and they convinced me that he was totally playing me. i knew they were wrong, as he really is too thick to be that clever, but i knew they were right when they said i had to move the candy dish to spot on my desk where, if he happened to come by and get candy, i wouldn't have to face him. so i did.
fast forward to yesterday. again, sitting at my desk in the afternoon, working away, and i look up at the glass in the picture again and i see Crush. says he's returning a book he borrowed the other day to finish his paper. i think that's a fair excuse, no?
when he was in yesterday, Sands invited him to the lawyers' appreciation lunch that happened today. he said he likely wouldn't be able to make it but he'd try. he didn't make it. but come 5:15 pm when the after-work drinks group is breaking up and some people are starting to leave, who do i hear in the kitchen? Crush. he didn't come in to say hi, but i poked my head in his door to see if he was there but he was nose-deep in a book. i decided to wait and see whether he'd come find me.
i was one of the last people to leave tonight. i made sure that i bid a loud adieu in the main hallway to a couple of people that left before me, so that Crush would likely hear me. i went to grab my stuff and log off my computer. five minutes later as i am about to walk through the library to get to the elevators, guess who's standing there, reading a book.
i feign surprise, and stop on the other side of the table from him. i ask him what he's doing there and he says he's doing research for a paper he has to finish by monday. i would have thought nothing of it until he said, "yeah, i decided to do my research here so i could avoid signing in at the law library." really? that's the only reason why? come on! we chat a bit more, make a couple of eyes at each other, and i even managed a flirty-flirty smack on the hand and a "shut up!" when he said that the only reason people were crying during my speech was because i was making them sit through a speech. (NB they weren't actually crying. i just told him they were because it was a damn good speech)
maybe this ignoring thing is working. or maybe he really is just doing research. time will tell.
Monday, October 11, 2010
what to do?
i need new friends. except, the new friends i do have aren't as fun as my "old" friends so i don't like to go out with them as much. but my old friends don't like to go out, period. what's a girl to do?
i don't think it's that they don't want to go out. i think it's more that as adults, we just have so much more on our plate than we did ten years ago. but does everything have to centre around going for coffee/dinner/drinks? can't we head to a football game between our rival universities? get together for game night? bake cookies?
okay, i don't really know what girlfriends are supposed to do now that we're passed the bar stage. i have one girlfriend who spends her free time looking at condos. another who's just starting up a new relationship. a third who is studying for a big qualifying exam so doesn't have a lot of free time and when she does, she has a lot of other friends she spends that time with.
i miss having a best friend. i don't think i've really had one since i was in elementary school. i've have close friends, partners-in-crime, girlfriends, etc. but not a best friend. no one i feel the need to talk to every single day. no one i feel i need to share every single piece of news with. actually, i guess the last best friend i had, by the above-definition, was the Ex. that was still 9 years ago.
perhaps i've just turned so far in that i don't know how to turn out again. i sometimes feel like when i talk or tell people stories or share news, that they're only half listening. i sometimes think it's the way i relate information - maybe i spend too much time setting up the story so by the time i get to the meat of it, no one cares anymore. i don't know. but it's gotten to the point where i just don't bother talking about everyday news. it has to be news or information that is really eating at me to be worthy of sharing. and then, i over-share and over-analyze. no happy medium.
i also considered, and was one click away from paying for, another session of speed-dating. it is to happen tomorrow and it's only $20. i figure i'd like to get out and just date, seeing as my friends need 4 - 6 weeks notice to plan anything as organized as a dinner or movie (not that we go to movies either). the age range was 25 - 35, and i realized that i was on the other end of that scale. i would have signed up, but something was nagging at me inside to just leave it for now.
i guess i'll just have to start my smile campaign again. maybe this time it'll get me somewhere.
i don't think it's that they don't want to go out. i think it's more that as adults, we just have so much more on our plate than we did ten years ago. but does everything have to centre around going for coffee/dinner/drinks? can't we head to a football game between our rival universities? get together for game night? bake cookies?
okay, i don't really know what girlfriends are supposed to do now that we're passed the bar stage. i have one girlfriend who spends her free time looking at condos. another who's just starting up a new relationship. a third who is studying for a big qualifying exam so doesn't have a lot of free time and when she does, she has a lot of other friends she spends that time with.
i miss having a best friend. i don't think i've really had one since i was in elementary school. i've have close friends, partners-in-crime, girlfriends, etc. but not a best friend. no one i feel the need to talk to every single day. no one i feel i need to share every single piece of news with. actually, i guess the last best friend i had, by the above-definition, was the Ex. that was still 9 years ago.
perhaps i've just turned so far in that i don't know how to turn out again. i sometimes feel like when i talk or tell people stories or share news, that they're only half listening. i sometimes think it's the way i relate information - maybe i spend too much time setting up the story so by the time i get to the meat of it, no one cares anymore. i don't know. but it's gotten to the point where i just don't bother talking about everyday news. it has to be news or information that is really eating at me to be worthy of sharing. and then, i over-share and over-analyze. no happy medium.
i also considered, and was one click away from paying for, another session of speed-dating. it is to happen tomorrow and it's only $20. i figure i'd like to get out and just date, seeing as my friends need 4 - 6 weeks notice to plan anything as organized as a dinner or movie (not that we go to movies either). the age range was 25 - 35, and i realized that i was on the other end of that scale. i would have signed up, but something was nagging at me inside to just leave it for now.
i guess i'll just have to start my smile campaign again. maybe this time it'll get me somewhere.
Sunday, October 03, 2010
hopeless
the title of this post is a lot less happy than i'd like it to be, but it's how i'm feeling. but not in a bad way. or at least, not in a way that is making me feel bad.
i had a complete and utter meltdown on friday night. have i said that recently? anyway, i was out walking the Lunatic at about 11:30 and was feeling like i was going to cry. like, sob. and not in a hormonal way. so, we took the elevator up from the basement and, because it was 11:30 on a friday night, i felt it should be safe to let one or two tears fall. after all, the elevator is about 50 feet from my front door. who was going to be in the hallway?
of course, my next-door neighbour, and the only male on my side of the floor, was just coming out of his door just as we were walking down the hall and my tears started to flow a little more freely. he always does this cute wave at me, and he didn't disappoint on friday night. i don't think he noticed i was crying. i tried to wipe away as many of the more-than-two tears that fell before he turned to look at me and he was walking in the other direction, down the other set of stairs, so he didn't have to walk right by me to see me. i managed a weak, "hey," to counter his cute-wave, and then ducked into my apartment.
and then i lost it. it was a mixture of grief and disappointment and anger and hopelessness. not a lot of positive feelings. but it was a good cry. and a long cry. and it hurt. but it's one of those cries you have when you are completely honest with yourself. and i was, for once. a rarity, but it does happen every now and then.
i am introspective - we all know this. so i know in my head that the way things happen in life aren't the way things are actually happening. like, objects in the rear-view mirror are not as close as they seem. but it takes a long, long time for that knowledge to reach and be understood and accepted by my heart.
i knew Crush wasn't going to do anything to keep in touch while he was gone for these ten weeks. i *knew* that. i *KNEW* that. but my heart hoped. and it wished. and it prayed that he would keep in touch. and for the first week and a half, he did. but then he stopped. and i told everyone i had given up. but i hadn't. and i knew i couldn't. and i didn't. and i continued to hope.
well, all hope flowed out of my heart and through my eyes in the form of a waterfall of tears on friday and now, i know. and i feel. and i get it. it doesn't make it any less sucky, but at least i feel it now.
the myers-briggs type indicator has always classified me as a "feeler" and not a "thinker", although everytime i've taken the test, i think they've both been pretty close in score (unlike my introversion v. extraversion, which is always heavily sided towards ... you guessed it, introversion). it's not like there is a disconnect between my head and my heart - there's just a slower connection. like, my head is working on a super-DSL and my heart is connected to it via dial-up rotary phone. eventually the two connect, just not at the same time.
am i feeling better about Crush and the hopelessness of the situation? yes, but only because i will drive myself crazy if i don't.
incidentally, a blast from the past friended and emailed me on FB last week. Casanova, whose comments about my blog prompted me to start this new, more "unsearchable" one, basically felt i was too much of a headcase and decided he didn't want to continue to see me (we had gone out on about three or four dates). that was the pot calling the kettle black, if i ever met a kettle. he had problems with everything to do with me - i didn't drink, i lived at home, i overthought everything, i didn't live in the city, i posted my thoughts on a blog.
i had a problem that he never kissed me, and then blamed me for it. headcase indeed.
anyway, i check my email last wednesday and who should send me a message but Casanova. i didn't prompt it and was shocked by it. okay, not shocked, but definitely surprised. basically, he said i had just "popped into his head" and he decided to say hi. really? after five years?
i relayed the story to BabyMan and he immediately gasped, "he wants you back! don't screw this up."
i will not overthink this one. but if he really did just want to say hi, why did he ask to be a friend too? and, a whole six minutes after he sent me the message [cue dramatic music]. oh stop.
anyway, i asked him how things were and what was new and he mentioned, in this order: his new dog, work, martial status and parental status. i thought that was really interesting, from a psychological and sociological standpoint. i would have gone with: work, home ownership, friend activities, and then martial status. i wouldn't even mention kids, furry or otherwise. interesting what people find important and how they classify their lives, eh?
oh, and in case you were wondering, it's hopeless with him too. "hopeless" is my new "fugetaboutit".
i had a complete and utter meltdown on friday night. have i said that recently? anyway, i was out walking the Lunatic at about 11:30 and was feeling like i was going to cry. like, sob. and not in a hormonal way. so, we took the elevator up from the basement and, because it was 11:30 on a friday night, i felt it should be safe to let one or two tears fall. after all, the elevator is about 50 feet from my front door. who was going to be in the hallway?
of course, my next-door neighbour, and the only male on my side of the floor, was just coming out of his door just as we were walking down the hall and my tears started to flow a little more freely. he always does this cute wave at me, and he didn't disappoint on friday night. i don't think he noticed i was crying. i tried to wipe away as many of the more-than-two tears that fell before he turned to look at me and he was walking in the other direction, down the other set of stairs, so he didn't have to walk right by me to see me. i managed a weak, "hey," to counter his cute-wave, and then ducked into my apartment.
and then i lost it. it was a mixture of grief and disappointment and anger and hopelessness. not a lot of positive feelings. but it was a good cry. and a long cry. and it hurt. but it's one of those cries you have when you are completely honest with yourself. and i was, for once. a rarity, but it does happen every now and then.
i am introspective - we all know this. so i know in my head that the way things happen in life aren't the way things are actually happening. like, objects in the rear-view mirror are not as close as they seem. but it takes a long, long time for that knowledge to reach and be understood and accepted by my heart.
i knew Crush wasn't going to do anything to keep in touch while he was gone for these ten weeks. i *knew* that. i *KNEW* that. but my heart hoped. and it wished. and it prayed that he would keep in touch. and for the first week and a half, he did. but then he stopped. and i told everyone i had given up. but i hadn't. and i knew i couldn't. and i didn't. and i continued to hope.
well, all hope flowed out of my heart and through my eyes in the form of a waterfall of tears on friday and now, i know. and i feel. and i get it. it doesn't make it any less sucky, but at least i feel it now.
the myers-briggs type indicator has always classified me as a "feeler" and not a "thinker", although everytime i've taken the test, i think they've both been pretty close in score (unlike my introversion v. extraversion, which is always heavily sided towards ... you guessed it, introversion). it's not like there is a disconnect between my head and my heart - there's just a slower connection. like, my head is working on a super-DSL and my heart is connected to it via dial-up rotary phone. eventually the two connect, just not at the same time.
am i feeling better about Crush and the hopelessness of the situation? yes, but only because i will drive myself crazy if i don't.
incidentally, a blast from the past friended and emailed me on FB last week. Casanova, whose comments about my blog prompted me to start this new, more "unsearchable" one, basically felt i was too much of a headcase and decided he didn't want to continue to see me (we had gone out on about three or four dates). that was the pot calling the kettle black, if i ever met a kettle. he had problems with everything to do with me - i didn't drink, i lived at home, i overthought everything, i didn't live in the city, i posted my thoughts on a blog.
i had a problem that he never kissed me, and then blamed me for it. headcase indeed.
anyway, i check my email last wednesday and who should send me a message but Casanova. i didn't prompt it and was shocked by it. okay, not shocked, but definitely surprised. basically, he said i had just "popped into his head" and he decided to say hi. really? after five years?
i relayed the story to BabyMan and he immediately gasped, "he wants you back! don't screw this up."
i will not overthink this one. but if he really did just want to say hi, why did he ask to be a friend too? and, a whole six minutes after he sent me the message [cue dramatic music]. oh stop.
anyway, i asked him how things were and what was new and he mentioned, in this order: his new dog, work, martial status and parental status. i thought that was really interesting, from a psychological and sociological standpoint. i would have gone with: work, home ownership, friend activities, and then martial status. i wouldn't even mention kids, furry or otherwise. interesting what people find important and how they classify their lives, eh?
oh, and in case you were wondering, it's hopeless with him too. "hopeless" is my new "fugetaboutit".
Thursday, September 23, 2010
personal consultant
i went to see another "personal consultant" (read: psychic) on saturday. the whole experience made me re-think the whole psychic thing.
i mean, yeah, she was pretty accurate about a few things...many things...most things...and her specific predictions were almost identical to the ones from the first "personal consultant", so it's kind of eerie that way. but at the same time, why do most women seek psychic advice? to find out about a guy.
her read on Crush was fairly accurate, as far as i know. but her advice was right out the pages of a dating guide (as was the first psychic's): step back and let him come to you.
she basically said to give him five more months (he's a number 5). she says he's not sure how he feels about me: one minute he likes me and the next, he's not sure. she told me to be careful about sleeping with him, because he'd get me pregnant (she said i'd have four kids, as opposed to the zero the other PC said, which was basically the only thing that differed in their readings). she also says there were two women in his past that really messed him up and that's why he's so hesitant to start something with me. in my own assessment, i think his last girlfriend was really, really critical of him. when we first started talking (you know, when we could talk freely about everything and not just work, work, work), i was nitpicking about something trivial and he said to me, jokingly but in a way that made it stick in my head, "you're so critical! just let it be!" dollars to donuts, that's what his fear is - that i'll nitpick him to death.
further, in 6 - 8 months, i'll randomly bump into a tall, blond, hazel-eyed foreign transplant. he'll have moved here from back east, but originally be from europe. apparently if i choose this guy, things will go really smoothly with him (i.e. no guessing games with him) and i'll have to move to europe to live with him. oh choices.
the other PC saw another guy coming too. she gave no details about him, just that another one was coming on the heels of Crush. sounds like i have an interesting spring lined up.
i mean, yeah, she was pretty accurate about a few things...many things...most things...and her specific predictions were almost identical to the ones from the first "personal consultant", so it's kind of eerie that way. but at the same time, why do most women seek psychic advice? to find out about a guy.
her read on Crush was fairly accurate, as far as i know. but her advice was right out the pages of a dating guide (as was the first psychic's): step back and let him come to you.
she basically said to give him five more months (he's a number 5). she says he's not sure how he feels about me: one minute he likes me and the next, he's not sure. she told me to be careful about sleeping with him, because he'd get me pregnant (she said i'd have four kids, as opposed to the zero the other PC said, which was basically the only thing that differed in their readings). she also says there were two women in his past that really messed him up and that's why he's so hesitant to start something with me. in my own assessment, i think his last girlfriend was really, really critical of him. when we first started talking (you know, when we could talk freely about everything and not just work, work, work), i was nitpicking about something trivial and he said to me, jokingly but in a way that made it stick in my head, "you're so critical! just let it be!" dollars to donuts, that's what his fear is - that i'll nitpick him to death.
further, in 6 - 8 months, i'll randomly bump into a tall, blond, hazel-eyed foreign transplant. he'll have moved here from back east, but originally be from europe. apparently if i choose this guy, things will go really smoothly with him (i.e. no guessing games with him) and i'll have to move to europe to live with him. oh choices.
the other PC saw another guy coming too. she gave no details about him, just that another one was coming on the heels of Crush. sounds like i have an interesting spring lined up.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
you again?
Sands and Fry were discussing how Crush is the only student in the firm's history of articled students that has come back to visit...every day since he's been gone (okay, that's three days). Sands said to me with a knowing look, "i think we all know why..."
i said, "i wish, but he has to finish a memo for the Ninja and he hasn't gotten through it yet." she looked very disappointed.
this morning, i said to her, "okay, so he's apparently finished the memo. if he comes back today, then i guess we know why."
this afternoon, as i was taking a break from my otherwise crazy hectic day, i was standing at reception with Sands and the elevator door opens. "hi Crush!" Sands says. and then gave me a knowing look.
i stood with him to chat and asked him about his day. he said he had finished his memo at 11 pm last night. i read it - he used a case i found for him. i know it sounds weird, but i was flattered he used it. he could've found something just like it, or could've left it out entirely, but he chose to use it. i don't know about you, but i feel it shows he respects me on an intellectual level. that's a good feeling. kinda like gilbert liking anne better than josie pye.
he came by to see me once, and then i bumped into him in the kitchen before i left. i didn't go to his office to say goodbye to him, and i felt indifferent about that. he won't be in tomorrow. he's having drinks with his group from school - a bonding thing.
i said, "i wish, but he has to finish a memo for the Ninja and he hasn't gotten through it yet." she looked very disappointed.
this morning, i said to her, "okay, so he's apparently finished the memo. if he comes back today, then i guess we know why."
this afternoon, as i was taking a break from my otherwise crazy hectic day, i was standing at reception with Sands and the elevator door opens. "hi Crush!" Sands says. and then gave me a knowing look.
i stood with him to chat and asked him about his day. he said he had finished his memo at 11 pm last night. i read it - he used a case i found for him. i know it sounds weird, but i was flattered he used it. he could've found something just like it, or could've left it out entirely, but he chose to use it. i don't know about you, but i feel it shows he respects me on an intellectual level. that's a good feeling. kinda like gilbert liking anne better than josie pye.
he came by to see me once, and then i bumped into him in the kitchen before i left. i didn't go to his office to say goodbye to him, and i felt indifferent about that. he won't be in tomorrow. he's having drinks with his group from school - a bonding thing.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
acceptance
i think i went through all the stages of grief in one day.
okay, so Crush was at work again today, wearing a paper-thin black sweater that clung in all the right ways. and he was unshaven. and he didn't ask me about how my weekend was, even though i asked (and he told me) how his was.
and then, it finally... FINALLY! ... sunk in. i can finally move on.
but i can still admire the view. i just won't fantasize that it'll be MY view anymore.
okay, so Crush was at work again today, wearing a paper-thin black sweater that clung in all the right ways. and he was unshaven. and he didn't ask me about how my weekend was, even though i asked (and he told me) how his was.
and then, it finally... FINALLY! ... sunk in. i can finally move on.
but i can still admire the view. i just won't fantasize that it'll be MY view anymore.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
detox
i was supposed to see him today at work. he said he'd likely be in, but he wasn't. he starts PLTC tomorrow and will be out of the office for the next 10 weeks. provided he doesn't attend the firm BBQ on the 24th or the mixer on he 30th, i guess the Crush-Detox starts now.
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