dancing fool

i went out dancing with a friend last night. she's new to the city and so it was easy to suggest places to go. she's just 30 this year, but still likes to go out dancing, so i figured she'll be the one i go to when my other friends fail me (which they always do).

we went to Cinema, which is part of the Donnelly Pub Group so i basically knew what to expect. i knew it would likely be a younger crowd and truly, i may have been the oldest patron there. i couldn't sing along to any of the songs (and what's to sing along to? they play 60 seconds of a song and then they remix something else in. what's up with that?), i wasn't falling over drunk at 11:00 p.m. (really? that's pretty early, kids), and i didn't have my smartphone in my hand, checking for texts and BBMs while i was dancing (again, really? is your attention span that short that you can't even enjoy a few minutes of dancing without getting updates from your friends at another club?). we lasted until 1:30 and then it was time to go.

at the start of the night, Nia suggested we should try a different club every week until we find one that suits us. but even as we walked back to her place, she said, "are there any clubs that have people more our age?"

the worst part is, i've never had much patience for the club-going crowd, even when i was young enough to be part of it. now that i'm ... gulp ... 8 years older than when i last went to clubs on a regular basis, i have less patience but am far more amused at the things that go on. the hook-ups, the girl drama, the guy bravado... all the same, but with different players and in a different decade. oy.

and my feet still hurt, all the way home. some things really do never change.

Poem: La Lune

Luminescent orb
Suspended in an inky-black sky
I’m in awe of your splendor
Simple and yet breathtaking
Where will you be tomorrow?
Peeking through the trees,
Hanging weightless above the water
Shining rays through my window as I welcome sleep.

In the morning, you’ll have faded
Against the backdrop of a new day.
Peering through the curtains
I can still see your outline
As you slowly descend into the west
Biding your time before it’s your turn again
Strong and silent, but beautiful to behold

growing up

i decided to do a bit of FB stalking and searched the Ex's name. i was expecting to see another photo of him kayaking or hiking. instead, i see his face, staring into the camera with a look of awe mixed with abject fear, holding a newborn baby.

growing up. crazy.

wrong!

maybe it's because i'm 2 days away from my monthly visitor, but i'm feeling particularly glum today. here's the background:

yesterday, i had a particularly inspired idea to e-mail Crush on FB and ask him to go to the Fair. at 2pm, i did so. at 4pm, i headed out to meet another friend, not having heard from him. when i got home at 8:30, i had an e-mail from him from 4:45, saying he probably wouldn't be able to make it out now as he was at his parents. he then asked if i ended up going. i said yes, and then, taking the opportunity, i said if he felt like going with me on tuesday, i could get him in for $5.00 because my credit union was sponsoring the day. or, i continued, i was going to ask him to go to a movie in the park on friday and gave him the link. did i mention my e-mail subject was "i don't have your number..."? guess what? i still don't.

he only came to see me once today and granted, it may have been because he was actually working, but the Cougar reported that he had come to talk to her about three or four times that day so i think i'm being avoided.

just for fun and because i'm a glutton for punishment, i popped by his office before i left for the day. i asked him how his weekend was and he proceeded to tell me about it in detail. he stayed in on saturday and just watched a movie (Shawshank!). it occurred to me that his low-key weekend could have been spent with a new lady friend. i have zero evidence of this, but you know how my mind runs.

i spent the rest of the afternoon on my ride home thinking about why i was feeling bad. i didn't feel bad about the invitations to do things (although, i guess three invites in one night may have been a bit much, granted). and when he came by to see me, someone else muscled their way in to tell me something sort-of work related (you'd think she'd see him there and take a hint, but nooooooo) and so he left and never returned. i never did see him wandering around the office, so perhaps he really was busy.

and then it occurred to me - i'm feeling bad because i was wrong, and i hate being wrong. i was wrong about who he was and how he felt about me. i was wrong to project what i wanted him to be on him and then get miffed because he wasn't behaving the way i wanted him to. i was wrong to have any expectations that things would work out in my favor, or any expectations at all. i was wrong to have jumped the gun, once again, and asked him out when i said i was going to at least wait until he left for PLTC before i made a final move. i hate being wrong!!! it sucks.

and now, i am feeling blue that i have to let this go so early on in my pursuit. you know me - i can't give up anything until i've thrown everything i have at it but i feel i have to now.

not that he isn't a great person but logically, he has made zero effort to ask me to do anything. i need someone with bigger cohones, you know? it may just be because he's shy but i don't think i can risk it. no, the next effort will have to be his if this infatuation is to continue. i shall not write further about it until he makes a step (i'll take any sized step too, but it has to be a step in my direction this time).

and BTW, why is he assuming i want to date him? maybe i just want to be friends. (yes, i'm assuming that he's assuming that i want to date him. i guess that makes asses out of both of us.).

up the river

i think i got sold up the river today.

yesterday, our accountant, whose office i sit outside of, was chatting with me about something or other and managed to ask me how i felt about Crush hanging out around my desk and we ended up talking about how he was so hard to read and blah blah blah. i figured it wouldn't make a difference if one other person other than Sands and BabyMan knew about it.

this afternoon, i was walking down the hall and Sands mouths to me, "call me!" i get back to my desk and phone her and she says, "Scrooge just told me he walked into Crush's office and said, 'i have it on good authority that if you were to ask CG out on a date, she'd say yes.'" i burst out laughing.

about an hour later, BabyMan phones me and says, "are you holding out on me?" i immediately hung up the phone, marched into his office and closed the door. we spent five minutes going back and forth saying, "you tell me what you know and i'll tell you what i know." we determined we knew the same thing. the only thing he's holding out on is what Crush's response was. although, he was awfully smiley so it was probably favourable. granted, why would Crush tell Scrooge what his plans were?

and now, i feel really bad. i mean, i didn't ask to be fodder but i can take the teasing. Crush, however, he didn't ask for this. okay, well, he does hang out at my desk an awful lot but he doesn't deserve actual advice.

don't get me wrong - i'm not embarrassed about it. i was going to lay all the cards out on the table, remember? someone else just stole my deck and laid them out for me, that's all.

i guess we'll see what happens.

whoa, nellie!

as in, "I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair." does anyone actually believe me when i say that?

okay, i need to wash that man right out of my hair, that man being Crush. the wondering, the waiting, the looks, the hoping...it's slowly killing me. you know how i get. for the past week, i've been living in my head, which is a terrible place to be. i become this melancholy, sullen, unconsolable shell of a person and i hate that. i don't want to be that. i spent a good part of my 20s like that. my 30s are supposed to be better than that.

BabyMan brought up a good point the other day when he was really trying to make me feel better and encourage me. Crush is on a year-long interview - it wouldn't do for him to start dating one of the staff while he's trying to land himself a job. for this alone, i feel bad for even trying. granted, i do just want to start with being friends first but unfortunately, it doesn't ever seem to work that way.

he turned 30 on tuesday and, true to form, i couldn't resist myself. i put together a party hat, a birthday blower, a list of 30 quotes about turning 30, a flower necklace and a slice of cake with a 30th birthday candle and put it into a box labelled, "DIY Birthday-in-a-Box". i got to work at 7:30 to put all of these things together (i had to format the quotes and then put together the description of the items in the box). that's saying something, since these days i can't get myself to work by my required 8:00 am. i described each item and it's use (ex. "Chocolate cake - standard fare. Sharing is optional.") and when i got to the flower necklace, which i saved for last, i said, "Flower necklace - because I think everyone should get 'lei-d' on their birthday (although if you actually do, please don't tell me. it'd break my heart!"). oh yeah. i said it.

he was appropriately appreciative (i wish i could've seen his face when he walked into his office and saw it), and the next day, i noticed he had displayed the stuff i gave him around his office. the flower lei, i discovered, hangs on the knob behind his door. i thought that was cute.

but he's either been busy with work (shock and nerve!) or he's feeling like he needs to back off or something because this week, after the show, he hasn't been coming around as much. i miss him. i've been falling asleep at my desk because of the tedium!

he leaves for PLTC as of sept 13th. maybe the 10 weeks is what i need to just get over this infatuation. it's not like we can do anything about it right now. and maybe he doesn't want to. maybe he likes me but not enough to do anything about it. and what does that mean? he's just not that into me.

undaunted

i feel strangely undaunted by the events of this evening. Crush's friend ended up coming to the show. he had phoned me and said he'd be leaving the office at about 6:30 or 7 and would be walking to the venue. i told him my plan was to park near the office and take the bus down but if i got there before he left, i would walk with him.

when i got to the office, i was just about to push the elevator button when one opened. out Crush came. i went in the elevator and he told me that he was going to meet his friend. i said i would meet him at the venue. that was my first "huh." of the night.

i ended up taking the bus to the venue just because it'd be faster and lord help me if i ended up walking behind them. i was seated for about 10 minutes and they arrived. she was adorable. dark, almost black hair and turquoise blue eyes. cute as a button and nice. he sat in between us and she and i ended up chatting over him. they chatted, he and i chatted, she and i chatted. if i were assessing the situation, i would have to say that he did make an effort to include me in conversation. i would put in my two bits in their conversations but basically, i felt like someone who ended up sitting beside two people who knew each other.

during intermission, i had to go to the loo. she got up to get food and asked him if he was going to stay there. he said he'd go walk around. he walked ahead and she and i chatted about feeling old (because the average age of the musical's cast was probably 20). i branched off and braved the port-o-potties and met them back at the seats.

when the show was over, all three of us got up to leave and they led the way. she looked like she was making an effort to walk ahead of us and he looked like he was torn between hanging back to walk with me and walk up with her. second "huh." of the night.

when we got to the top exit, they looked like they were heading towards the road. i said, "are you guys gonna walk back?" and she said, "i'm going to," and she looked at Crush, who asked me if i drove. i told him i parked by the office and i said i'd just take the bus back. the girl gave me a look, almost imploring ("huh." #3) but i said that it was already 10 and the bus would get me back faster than walking. i told her it was nice to meet her and i am quite certain i saluted him and said, "see you tomorrow." i don't have a poker face and i'm not sure what look i gave him but that was the end of the night.

and yet, despite how nutso i was yesterday (and this morning, to be honest), i don't feel like this has been a set-back at all. i just shows me that i need to step back and he needs to man up. he's interested in me - i'd bet money on it - and for me to say that, you know it's obvious, but thus far, it's been me prodding him along. i will take my psychic's advice (and the advice of all of my girls so far) and now that this night is done, leave it up to him to make the next move.

as far as i can analyze, i don't feel i did anything improper tonight, as in i don't feel like i was being sulky in not being with him, if that makes any sense. his intention was to take this girl and his brother's girlfriend to the show. the latter bowed out and i bought the ticket from him. his objective wasn't to go to the show with me, and by not even suggesting that we walk together or pick up his friend together and then all walk there, says to me that he didn't see this evening as us going to the show together. he saw it as him going to the show with is friend and that i would be there too. i was pleasant and chatty but i didn't try to insert myself between them because i didn't feel i was "with" them. i was a third wheel, but it's okay. truly.

i am now very glad i left my business card for our cute server this morning. haven't done that in a long time but he, he hugged me and told me he loved me. he deserved it. :)

out of my head

i feel like a complete lunatic right now. i am going out of my head and it's all my fault! again! you think by now, i would have learned my lesson about obsessing and over-thinking and over-anticipating but nooooo...

Crush and i are going out tomorrow. not on a date. he had an extra ticket to see an outdoor show tomorrow night and it was one i really wanted to see so i offered to buy it from him. we had talked about this show over lunch one day. he had mentioned he was online looking at tickets and i mentioned that i wanted to see it and asked him who he was going with. he told me but of course, didn't ask me to go. clueless boys.

fast forward about an hour later and he's at my desk (of course), telling me that he bought the tickets but then was advised by his intended invitees that they weren't available on the date he chose. i didn't invite myself. not yet.

a couple of days later, he brings up the show again and says that he won't bother going and that he'll just give the tickets away or something. i should've said, "i'll go with you," but instead wanted to make it seem like i wasn't trying to snag a date with him (dumbass), and said i would buy one of the tickets from him. luckily, he intimated that this meant i wanted to go with him and not just save myself the trouble of going online to buy a ticket for myself. phew.

before i left for the day yesterday, i wrote my phone number on a post-it note and bravely walked into his office, handed it to him and said, "in case you need to call...or, if you want to go for a drink beforehand or something...." he took it and said he'd likely be at the office for the day but said he'd call me.

at 9:30 that night, he sent me a friend request on FB. i don't know why he waited until now, but he did. i accepted it this morning and i spent most of my day looking through his pictures. getting him into my head. crafting scenarios (the best one - parking my car downtown and taking the bus into Stanley Park. then when it's time to leave, he'll say, "where'd you park?" and i'll say, "at the IGA - i didn't want to try to find parking here." and he'll say, "do you want to walk together then?" and I'll say, "why yes, on this lovely, moonlit night, i'd love to walk with you." and then we'd amble our way through the downtown core to my car, talking about the show and life. crud. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccckk.

and now, i'm feeling completely wild. i have butterflies both in my stomach and they're currently travelling up my throat, and it's more than 18 hours until i'm to see him. we're not even going together to the show - i think i'm just meeting him there, if he even goes! oy. i so want this to be a date but it isn't. cripes, there may even be someone else with us and then i'll be the third wheel. wheeeeee! argh. ARGH!!!!

this is why i don't date. i like him too much. i know how i am. if this doesn't go well, i'll be miserable. work will be unbearable. he'll end up dating someone else and i'll be maniacal. insane with jealousy and regret.

someone should just commit me now and save us all the trouble. argh. i feel physically ill now - can you imagine if it were an actual date?

on the upside, i may be tortured enough to start writing again. look on the bright side of life, yes?

read handed

wandering around the Penticton Farmers' Market, A and I happened upon a palm reader. after my experience with a tarot card reader in Victoria, i was very skeptical and didn't want to fork over $17 (it was one read for $20 or two reads for $35). but A had never had her palms read and, since she's actually more frugal than i am, the fact that she was willing to pay the $17 meant that she really wanted to do it. so we did.

and suzie (a delightful but apparently deodorant-challenged Hungarian palm-reader) was nearly bang on. she read my palms and said that i was wasting my creative talents by not doing anything with them. she said that i was the type to hold a grudge and wallow in it. she said that i grew attached to people easily and that it was hard for me to say goodbye if and when the time came. and she said that although i could be a laid-back person, i tended to let things build up until i exploded. in fact, i believe her exact words were, "you're an aggressive person." i laughed until she explained herself, and then i realized she was right. she described me as someone not to be crossed because when i finally lose it, it's going to be big and there will be carnage. okay, not exactly in those words but that was the gist. and she said i was wasting my creative talent, did i mention that? she did. about 20 times. i think it's time for me to start taking my art seriously again. whatever my art is.

she suggested that i scan my palms and then when the lines change, it's time to get them read again. did you know they change? and that the left hand (or your less dominant hand) represents your potential and the other hand represents you, now?

tomorrow, i see the psychic again. it's a spiritual kind of week.