eve of the eve

i'm feeling pensive and reflective. i can't believe it's almost the end of the year. i see it on the calendar and i know it in my head, but it just doesn't feel like a year has gone by.

i'm starting to see a trend. every year for the past few years, Christmas has seemed like less of a "thing" and new years has been less monumental. my birthday has become less and less important, and i sometimes feel like i make a big deal about it because i'm supposed to. actually, if i remember correctly, i feel that way up to the day, and then the day of, i'm like a kid again. okay, so birthday is not included.

i don't know what it is. Christmas came and went. i love Christmas. i bought three gifts this year. i should have bought more gifts for more people because maybe it would've felt like the giving season again. i did participate in a couple of charity gift things, so that was part of it. we had a white Christmas, the first in about 10 years, and it still didn't feel like Christmas (maybe because our Christmases are normally green).

and new years eve is tomorrow. where did that come from? i've had my new years plans booked for about a month or so now, so i knew what i was going to do, but i almost just want to stay at home in my pyjamas. not unlike every other night this week. sad.

is it because i'm getting older or is it because i've become jaded? i don't want to think it's either. it can't be because i'm older. it's not an age thing with me. and being jaded just isn't an option. despite all of the crap that's gone on in my family the past three years, compared to other people i have an ideal family life. compared to. isn't that what it's all about?

life is about comparisons, whether you like it or not. i don't like it. my favorite quote is, "our greatest unhappiness comes when we compare ourselves to others." i don't know who the quote is attributed to, but it's always been one that hits home with me. whenever i am feeling particularly jealous or slighted or inferior or superior, i think about this quote because it is so true. i am never unhappy with my life until i start looking at other peoples' lives and wondering how they came about it. how can she afford to live that lifestyle? how is he so bright and clever?

it's not that i can't talk myself out of being envious and just come to terms with what i have. i've managed to make my peace with my body image and my decision not to go to law school. okay, so that's two things out of many. but i did it! so why can't i let go of other things? why do i make myself a prisoner to my thoughts, my wants? captive in my own head and by my own volition? there is a masochistic part of me that i can only deal with part of the time. sporadically.

why is it so hard to let go?

hack

my eyes are itchy. i've been with cold since Christmas Eve. it's gotten much better - i no longer sound like Barry White with bronchitis, but i still have the sore eyes and sniffly nose. i'm tired of drinking juice and hacking myself awake in the middle of the night. but if i only have to suffer like this once a year, then so be it.

i'm so bored.

2

she pooed today too. i'm definitely not getting a dog. not unless i have a backyard and a doggie door.

i can't say i miss her, but she was kind of nice to have around.

fawning

so when i saw him today, he said, "where were you? i thought you were going to come out after and meet us at Stella's?" i told him that i wanted to, but i didn't want to lug my stuff around. he said, "you could've put your bag in my car. that's what everyone else did." i said, "you had your car??? you didn't tell me that?" and so it went on. it ended with him saying, "i was disappointed you didn't join us." they ended up at Havana's and he said it was really nice. not busy, but a good vibe. i really wish i had gone. i let stupid little things hold me back from doing things i want to do. honestly, my bag? i didn't want to tote my bag around? apparently their group broke up the same time i headed home, so i guess i didn't miss too much.

he caught on that the two yunguns of the office were hanging off him and he told me he was counting on me to help him shake them. i told him we needed a signal, like in baseball. then we did a bunch of stupid, made-up signals and laughed. i enjoy being his friend.

the Ninja took me for my Christmas lunch today at Saltlick. MMMMM, i had The Best sandwich there. it was the daily special (i chose it over the clubhouse because our server said they only had it every now and then): shaved prime rib sandwich au jus, and skinny french fries. i could've done without the fries - yam fries have spoiled me for life. but the sandwich was so amazingly good, i only ate half of it (even though I was still hungry), just so i could have it for lunch tomorrow. so, so good. did i mention it was good?

Mon confessed to me that she bought 7 pairs of boots at Browns on the weekend. SEVEN! all Stuart Weitzman, all 70% off. so each pair was only about $200. i thought I had a problem. but it got me thinking that i need to swing by Browns on the way home tomorrow. oh wait, i still have the dog tomorrow afternoon. she peed on the carpet. i knew she would but i was hoping that she could hold out until i got home. 12 hours isn't too much to ask to hold a pee, is it? at least she waited until i took her out for her second Second of the day. she's lying beside me on the floor right now, snoring away. i should take her out for one last pee before i go to bed.

i should not get a dog.

midnight confessions

i find it interesting, in a psychanalytic way, that i can't admit a crush i have on someone, even to myself. is that weird? is that untruthful? does it mean more than i think it means? i admitted my crush to Nige a while back, but have not mentioned it to him since. he told me immediately that i should create some space. even he knows it won't end up well.

i can't even bring myself to admit it now. we had our office christmas party tonight. i was inwardly miffed that my crush didn't sit with me, but instead sat with The Student (NB - i should change her name. she's a lawyer now!). he only managed to come up to me when i moved to another table and was chatting with other people and taking pictures. i managed to take a couple of him and then (because I was sitting on a chair and he was standing behind me), i said, "come down here, i want to take a picture." so he put his arm around my neck and gave me a good squeeze and i took the picture. we both look drunk; everyone else says it's a good picture.

i feel guilty looking at the picture, you know? mooning over it, like he was someone that i could be with. he and The Student took off early and went to Stella's. he beckoned me to come with them and i was going to go, but i had that sneaking suspicion that nothing good would come of it.

i don't drink, but i tend to take advantage of the fact that other people do. especially on a night like tonight, when guards are down and people are a lot more relaxed. i know in my heart i would have tried something and i have a feeling that he wouldn't have been opposed to even a small advance.

ugh, i feel guilty just admitting it. ugh. UGH. don't get me wrong - i am not after him. he's married, with a 2 year old and twins on the way. i don't need to involve myself with that kind of drama. but it's slightly beyond crush, you know? ugh. UGH.

i just shivered. what is wrong with me???

snow

it's snowing. the first snow of the season. i had to drive home in but it wasn't so bad.

the General's 50th surprise party was tonight. it was fun. the Ninja was there sans Pop Tart, which is a good sign. maybe he actually is smart enough not to bring her to social gatherings that involve important people (i.e. his work colleagues and partners). she's an embarassment. i've never even met the girl, but i know this.

the General's wife came up to us and chatted for a bit. i guess she had gone up to Nicbal, who has fairly recently become the General's assistant, and said, "dear, who are you?" when Nicbal told her she said, "i thought you were a party crasher!" Nicbal then brought her to our group where she introduced everyone. when Mrs. General got to me, she shook my hand, recognized that we had met briefly at the office, repeated my name three or four times and said, "you're the only name he's brought home. i don't know the names of anyone else. except KSpazz. which one is she?" i was so tempted to ask her why he mentioned KSpazz, but i resisted. Mrs. General then went on to give us her condolences for having to work with the General. i thought that was funny.

all in all, an early night. i left at 10, but only because the snow looked like it was starting to get heavy and i didn't want to drive in it when it got bad. the Ninja must've been more drunk than i thought because he gave me a hug goodbye, which he never does.

i need a GPS unit, but apparently only when i drive in Richmond. that place, i don't even get. except that all roads lead to the airport.

celery

i'm obsessing again. i'm going backwards. i don't go backwards. but this guy was a good catch. we just didn't ... i don' t know. actually, i do know. i was stupid enough to give him the address to my previous blog. and then he read it and thought i was a headcase. in comparison to others, i don't think i'm much of a headcase, if at all. but he thought i was. had i not given him access to the blog, perhaps we would've lasted a little longer.

it turns out, we have mutual friends, although not in the facebook sort of way (and yes, he is on facebook. profile is locked, damn it!). i happened to mention his name to BrendaLou the other day (because she is a WV Girl) and she knows his sister. and she knows him. and his mother was just at her mother's house, buying some Christmas ornaments for her students. i'm hoping that BrendaLou takes it upon herself to re-connect us, but i don't think she will. i could send him a FB message, but that would be a bit much after three years, don't you think?

headcase indeed.

p.s. not that i'm obsessing about it, but first thing this morning when i stepped on the scale (after my morning pee, before my morning water or breakfast, without breathing and without moving too much to aggravate the position of the scale's needle), i was down almost 20 lbs. WTF.

truth and consequences

had coffee with MGF tonight. i still find my feelings for him, such that they are, difficult to define. on the one hand, i wish in a way that it was me he was marrying in july. on the other hand, i know i would never be able to trust him fully when it came to fidelity so why even belabour any regrets?

but i do, in a way, regret not "choosing" him when i had that option and i told him so last year. but in no way do i regret my relationship (such that it was!) with Mike. he taught me a very important lesson that i really needed to learn: that drama is not a requirement or a desire in any of my relationships. particularly over-drama. had i chosen MGF over Mike, i would not have learned that very important lesson that Mike inadvertently taught me. and who's to say that MGF and i would have worked out anyway?

i suppose the twisting i feel in my chest when i meet with MGF for our quarterly coffee dates is similar to the one i get when i think about the Ex and his getting married. i want to feel bad and feel hurt and feel cheated, but i don't. there is still a small part of me that wants to be the victim of "the one that got away", but the other, more sensible and mature part of me squashes that feeling. gives me a mental slap upside the head, so to speak.

i still have a lot to learn.

back to green

i spent the week eating chinese food, cinnamon buns, croissants and pizza, the latter being from work. i feel gross. i'm back to salads, except for the chocolate cravings i've been having. is it bad that i'm still eating chocolate, even though it doesn't taste good to me anymore? goes to show how deeply rooted my sweet tooth actually is.

my PMS really affects the way i perceive me and work. i know it's only a few days a month that i have to suffer through it (the PMS, i mean), but when my feelings about my job are magnified like that, it makes me wonder. but then i realized, i shouldn't wonder.

everyone is in the same position as me. i think at least half of people who are working are doing work that is not what they were trained to do or not challenging to them. but they do it because they're getting paid. i get paid well to do what i do, as i've always said (when i'm not on my high horse). i did the paralegal program so i could continue with the type of work i did at Crown, but get paid more. and now i am. i've determined a little substantive knowledge is a bad thing when put into the wrong head.

and we've also already determined that enough is never enough for me. if i were to go to law school, i would still face my challenges of not having complete autonomy and having people above me. once i became a lawyer, i'd just be an associate, not a partner. if i became partner, i'd want to be a judge. and even if i were a judge, my on-the-job actions would still be bound by the laws that govern. there is no real freedom in the corporate word. you are always accountable to someone. not that i don't want to be. but sometimes i do.

i shall challenge myself with other things - further courses, crosswords, languages...but not men. :)

did i mention i met the guy from the mixer a few weeks ago, Moe, for coffee last week? it was okay. i was tired and not feeling at all social so it was brief. i was feeling kind of bad about it. after all, the guy is in a new city and he doesn't know anyone here. his only family is in ottawa and it's just his sister. he's alone and he's just trying to make a friend and here i am, automatically assuming he wants to date me. i vowed that if he asked me to do something again that i would do it. well, he e-mailed me today and said he met a guy who was going to teach him salsa dancing in exchange for him teaching the salsa teacher how to do web design. i guess i'm going to learn how to salsa dance because he asked me if i wanted to go with him. i thought it sounded fun. will keep you posted.

hello, random.