he's out of my life

and i don't know whether to laugh or cry...

ok, so i won't sing the song. but today was my OC's last day at work. i stopped by his office on my way out, said my goodbye, good luck. i didn't bother suggesting exchanging numbers, as we know how much he uses mine, although he did say, "Baby Man has my digits and he says he's going to haul you into his office and you guys are going to call me every day."

i asked him if he was going to A's hallowe'en party tonight and he was vague. he wanted to take his god-daughter out trick or treating but wasn't sure what he was going to do afterwards. he asked me if i was going to and i said i hadn't decided but probably not. told him my cousin was in town and it was her last night here so i was going to see what her plans were first.

i told him to keep in touch - twice - and then i bid my farewell. i don't know if the saddness showed on my face but i guess it doesn't matter. he wouldn't have detected it anyway.

moving on.

possession

the General and the Ninja interviewed a girl for my job-sharing thing today. when they were done, the General came to my desk and asked me to come in and meet her. it was sort of weird but my curious self couldn't wait to meet her.

i sat down beside her and the General went over what the arrangement would be, mentioned that i would be doing most of the training and then he excused himself and the Ninja so the two of us could talk. she seems really nice and was more concerned with what i thought about the two lawyers we would be working with than what the workload was like. i asked her what they had told her about the way the work would be split and she said that she understood it as she would be taking instruction from me or the two lawyers and she didn't really mind from whom.

now, i know she's not MY secretary... but it's kind of neat to think i'll have help the way the Mentor does!

except, when i went to go tell the Mentor about the interview, she immediately said, "how come they didn't ask ME to meet her?" and then she started going on about how we should convince her to work on mondays (she wants to work tuesday, wednesday and thursday, which is just fine with me). i immediately thought, "i need to talk to our administrator first thing in the morning before they offer her the job!"

not your help, my help! it's not my fault that none of her lawyer's secretaries have gotten along with her. seriously, after awhile and after a few secretaries have passed through the office unsatisfactorily, wouldn't you start to think, "maybe it is me?"

she'd better not scare of my secretary! i mean, not my secretary :)

countdown

i'm sad he's leaving.

the e-mail went out to everyone late last night and by 8:30, it was the talk of the office. my receptionist said to me, "so, do you think you'll stay friends?" for obvious reasons, that question posed to me in that way by someone who cares about me hit me hard and made me very aware of the obvious. i said, "probably not. you know him."

in more amusing news, that courier that was going to ask me out but didn't was in the office today. i was trying to get information for one of the lawyers (not one of mine but i happened to be available when they couldn't find his assistant) and the Courier was dropping something off (it was actually for me but he didn't realize it). i was running past him down the hall into the waiting lawyer's office and was not really paying attention to him, except to ask him whether he had picked up my envelope at the courthouse library. we exchanged a few hurried words and then he said he'd go drop the envelope off at my desk. i ran around a bit more and when the heat was off me, i walked back to reception.

i said to our receptionist, "i'm sorry i wasn't able to chit-chat with the Courier more." she said, "oh, i don't think he minded. he stood here and said, "don't mind me; i'm going to stand here and watch. i'm hoping she'll run down the hall one more time." at least someone appreciates me!

anyway, the e-mail that went out said that they were all meeting for drinks after work on monday. and oddly enough, i can't stay after work on monday. it's not his last day but i guess because it's halloween on his last day, no one will stay. instead of sitting around with the guys, i'll be learning to cook with curries. fair trade? maybe. fated? probably.

i'm going to miss him.

under control?

i managed to control myself and only bought two pairs of shoes at the Ronson's shoe sale today! ok, only one pair i really actually "needed" (it's arguable that i need ANY new shoes). and i only saw two pairs that i really liked. the rest were not in my size... but still, that's pretty good! had i not had a course to go to at 9:30 this morning, i would've been in richmond at 8:30, waiting for the doors to open with my fellow shoe shoppers. there's always the spring. :)

gap band

as in, "you dropped the bomb on me..."

my OC pssted me into his office at about 5:15 as i was walking to the kitchen. i walked back and he had a big smile on his face. he motioned me in. and then he said to close the door. very, very unusual.

i sat down and said, "what's going on?" he smiled and said, "i'm off in 10 days!" confused, because he just came back from 3 weeks holidays, i said, "where are you going?" he said, "home." even more confused, i was going to say, "salt spring? victoria? greece?" but i just sat there with a confused look on my face and said, "what are you talking about?" he said, "i'm leaving the firm."

i don't know if the look of shock / disappointment / sadness / anger / disbelief / devastation registered right away on my face but i did manage to say, "what?????"

we talked for about 20 minutes about his plans and why he was leaving and what he was going to do. he said it's been in the works for about two months now. he's only told Baby Man and A (which doesn't really surprise me and really, there's no one else at the firm he would feel the need to tell...which i guess means i should be flattered that he considers me someone who should know before the general public knows. and now i am remembering a day when he had them both in his office, behind closed doors, a couple of weeks ago. it's all coming back to me now). his last day is hallowe'en. trick or treat indeed.

i let him know that i was not happy about him leaving. i also wished him well and congratulated him. he said, "for what? i haven't done anything yet." i said, "you're doing something that not a lot of people would have the courage to do." and he said, "what, be voluntarily unemployed?" and i said, "no, you're leaving your stable, bill-paying job to pursue something that really interests you. not many people would take that risk." he figures the General will send out the e-mail next week, probably monday or tuesday.

i'm sad but i also know that (and say it with me now because i won't hear it enough from everyone at work), "things happen for a reason and if it's really meant to be, then it will happen eventually."

not so thrifty

ooooh, i got my Amex bill today. i spent so much, they upped my limit. actually, compared to most people, i don't think i spent all that much but it's a lot to me. i am therefore grounding myself (didn't i already do this in another entry?). i am not allowed to buy anymore frivolous or unnecessary things until i've paid off the balance on my Amex. you heard me!

shit, i still have to buy a wedding present. sigh.

on a high note, my bellyaching paid off. i got called in to my administrator's office today and when i was off yesterday, a whole whack of meetings went on between various parties and i was informed today that my duties as a secretary will be limited to two days a week and my paralegal duties will be upped to three days a week. they will be hiring a secretary to come in on my paralegal days so she can do my secretarial stuff. she won't be my secretary, but she'll be working with me. awesome! i will now be able to bill without feeling guilty about it. i've billed a couple of things already but i tend not to, just because i get help with stuff sometimes so it's not really me doing the "thinking" part of the work. they are also taking away a lawyer from me, which i'm a bit sad about but i can't handle all three. it's ironic because he's the only one that really treats me like a paralegal - he'll give me overview instructions on something and just let me run with it. i'll miss the type of work he does - IP, bankruptcy (not so much) and estates. but, i had to sacrifice something.

A asked me if i was still thinking about law school. i told her it was on the backburner but at the moment, i'm so sick of school. i just want to come home and do nothing. although at the moment, i am doing some review of my insurance notes. not that i really need to know too much about indemnity with the work i'm doing right now. maybe when they hire the new girl!

a rainy day

nothing much to write about on this rainy sunday. i've spent the past couple of days helping out my dad with his new apartment. he took possession yesterday and moves on friday. so, yesterday we went to pick up paint and i managed to drag my mom into helping out. she didn't need much convincing - she loves to paint for some reason. my dad and brother had picked out paint chips from benjamin moore and then expected to find the same colors at home depot. took me a good 20 minutes trying to match up the colors they had chosen with the ones available at the store. he picked out an olive color for the master bedroom and this neutral tan-yellow for the livingroom. my brother picked gray for his room - carry over from his room now, which is dark grey with white curtains and his headboard is painted on - it's the Canucks logo. kind of cool but i don't think he's going to do it in this room.

so now i have paint all over my hands but my dad let me go early. he said he would finish up and then go visit my aunt who just had throat surgery. i went to see her last night. my mom had bought her flowers and reminded me twice before my brother and i left to bring them. and of course, i forgot them.

it is an ugly, cold, rainy sunday. it's one of those days when i just want to sit and read a book. so i think i will.

here comes the bride...

across the street from our office building there is a low-rise parking structure. atop the parking structure for the past few weeks, they have been building what looked to be a mini-golf course but what has turned out to be the set for the wedding of the Invisible Woman and some other dude in the Fantastic Four movie.

all of us on the south side of the office have been dutifully watching the filming of the wedding (we can't help but hear when they cue the wedding march) and seeing jessica alba in her wedding dress and that michael chikilis (or however you spell it) in his tux as the Thing. so cool! apparently, they are going to be blowing up the set after the wedding is done. hopefully during work hours so we can see. we need more binoculars. for some reason, we actually had a set of binoculars in the office. should i be worried?

speaking of worried, the Ninja comes up to my desk at lunch and says, "do you have lunch plans?" i said no so he asked me if i wanted to go for lunch with him. i thought for sure he was going to talk to me about something - work or personal matters.

we went for lunch and sat and ate and watched TV (he was hoping for baseball but no dice). it was awkward for me because i was expecting him to say something but he didn't. at the end, i realized he just wanted to go for lunch. i could've said to him, "so, is there anything you wanted to talk about specifically?" but i didn't. too chicken. i didn't want to hear about work or something going wrong in his personal life. not that he would tell me because he's more secretive than i am, not that i'm secretive but if i were, he'd be more so. so instead of having a lovely time at lunch with a friend and colleague, i sat uncomfortably chatting about mundane and surface things (which i hate!), waiting for something that never came. dumb.

O.G.

one of my unnecessary purchases of late was the DVD of "The Phantom of the Opera". i wasn't sure whether or not it was a good remake or rendition or whatever you want to call it but it was $7.50 at Target so i couldn't resist.

perhaps i should've waited until i was done ovulating to watch it because i cried through almost every song - and not just teared up but literally sobbed. and then, when i decided to watch one scene again to see if it was really the song or if it was just me, i started to cry again. oy, i hate hormones.

my administrator spoke with one of my lawyers today and the results were almost instantaneous. it was the Ninja, after all, but still... he sent me an e-mail that basically said he had a couple of files set for mediation that required some babysitting and organization and was i interested in taking it on? hell yeah, i said. ok, i didn't say that but i did say of course i am!

on a sad note, i have grounded myself for spending too much money on crap i don't need. i am putting myself on a strict budget for the next month so that perhaps...just perhaps...i may have enough credit available to buy some paltry Christmas presents for my immediate family.

i really do need another outlet for my blues and blahs.

let it go

i know you don't understand. the only reason i understand is because it's the way i've felt and dealt with things for my whole life. so let me just use this entry as a way to release, and not an information/advice-seeking/sympathy entry.

i feel that any attempts i've made in the past couple of weeks to reconnect with my OC (and they are very, very few) have been made simply because it's what i do. i'm not dating anyone right now, nor have i any interest in anyone but him, so i automatically focus all of my attention on to him, even though i know i'm done. i've barely spoken to him since he's been back - this past monday at lunch as been the most time i've spent with him all week. he seems to be really busy with work since he's been back and lately, i've been run off my feet so there are no opportunities to chat during the day. he hasn't yet deleted the e-mail i sent him just before he left for holidays, although he deleted all replies leading up to it. he hasn't even deleted the FYI e-mail i had sent him on tuesday with the name of a norse sea monster (one of my crossword clues he wasn't able to help me with). and yet, he's spent a lot of time with A (she's been calling him by a nickname lately - his name with a 'y' at the end and in a baby-voice...very suspicious and very irritating). he's been chatting happily with everyone else but he seems to be avoiding me (granted, i'm PMSing so i'm feeling very overly-sensitive about everything). he's been eye-flirty but otherwise distant. and i have been avoiding him and ignoring him whenever it is polite to do so.

last night at drinks, i was sitting in the boardroom with the Ninja, across the table from each other. there was a spot beside him, a spot beside me, and the two spots at both ends of the table. when we had walked by A's office, both A and my OC were standing at the window, trying to take a picture of the movie set that was being built on top of the building across from us. when they walked in, A sat at the head of the table between me and the Ninja and my OC forewent the seat beside me and instead took the other head of the table. so i stole his beer. he took a couple of pictures of A and a couple of me and A (candids) and then shut off his camera. more people joined us and we all sat around just chatting and drinking for awhile. i motioned for his camera and scanned through the pictures. they were of his trip mostly. they were good pictures, actually - mostly of people he was there with. the pictures he took at the office were all of A. when i gave back his camera, he took it, put in another picture card, gave it back to me and said, "do you want to see NY?" there were 13 pictures on the card, 3 of NY and the rest of a ski trip and i think his parent's place on salt spring. one thing we have in common - we like to take pictures of ourselves :)

i feel like i'm mourning the loss of something. i'm not particularly unhappy, i guess. i knew it wasn't going to work and i've been at it for more than a few months and it hasn't yielded anything but ... well, nothing.

i think i hope too much. no, i know i hope too much. i see too much potential in things and people and relationships. i can see that we have potential to be good friends but the fact that he doesn't seem to be intersted in my friendship is perplexing. i guess i am hurt by it. i'm a fun person! i'm less irritating than A and yet he seems to like her company better. i guess i just feel bad that things are going to have to change. interactions are going to have to change.

i was in Baby Man's office, actually asking him a question about work, and then i said to him, "has the OC been chilly lately or is it me?" and he agreed. we talked about it for the briefest of moments when his assistant, Yo, walked in. he said, "we're talking about how cold the OC has been to everyone lately." and she looked at me, exasperated, and said, "Oh, give it up already!!!!" i laughed and she laughed and Baby Man looked at the two of us, a bit confused, and laughed as well. i honestly don't think he's figured it out. boys.

i have so many plans. so many plans. i want to buy a dog. i want to buy a dining room set. i want to go to greece next year but i also want to visit my cousin in SF and my friend in NY. i know i have to save my money so what do i do? i bought 3 DVDs last night and then a skirt and top for work. i spent just a smidge over $100, which i don't think is all that bad but for someone who is trying to trying to save money, it's a bit stupid to do. but i watched all of the movies last night and i needed a new black skirt and this one fit well, which is rare for me.

oy, if i'm not eating, i'm shopping for clothes or DVDs. and if i'm not buying clothes, i'm buying food. i need a new outlet for my emotions. this blogging thing isn't working.

i did it!

i finally spoke to my administrator about my job and who i worked with and my unhappiness with the whole situation. i emphasized to her that i was unsure how to proceed as there were several parties involved and several different ways i could approach the situation. she was very understanding and very encouraging. she emphasized that she wanted to be able to come up with a solution from within the firm (i.e. she didn't want me to leave). she also told me that many people, lawyers and support staff, enjoy working with me and she was sure that the firm in general would be upset if i were to leave.... that was good for the ego and it made me feel like i had made the right decision to talk to her instead of just putting up with stuff and then finally losing it one random day.

i did manage to drop in two things: 1) that my problems with the Mentor were there from the very beginning; 2) i had been considering looking elsewhere (although i didn't let on that i had been at an interview in the recent past).

i don't want to leave. i want to have a place where i've worked for more than 4 years. i like the people i work with, if only on a social level with some.

speaking of which, i think i'm done with my OC. i know i've said that before but he's just been so distant lately (but friendly with everyone else) that there is no motivation for me to continue. it makes me sad. but life goes on.

i really, really, really, really, really, really, reeeeaaaaalllly want a dog.

quelle fromage

i just watched the new episode of CSI: Miami i taped last night. it was their 100th episode and OMG, i can't believe how cheesy the ending was. i mean, it was cheesy even for CSI: Miami. what were they all doing on the beach, anyway? and, judging by lack of clothing changes of the cast in the show, taking down an international counterfeit operation/open water gambling establishment, plus solving the murder of not one but two people took less than three, maybe four hours, tops. we need that crime lab working in NY and Vegas because at least on those CSI shows, it takes at least a couple of days to solve their crimes. oy!

had the hockey pool draft this evening. i don't even know who we picked but i teamed up with one of my workmates to lessen the $35 entrance-fee burden. my OC was there, but only for the pizza. he didn't even have any beer. and he was pissy today so i stayed out of his way.

am tired today. going to read a bit more of The Alchemist before i go to bed. bon nuit!

pangs

i was sitting in the lunchroom today at a table with my OC and another lady we work with. my OC was reading through the financial pages, i was struggling over my crosswords and the NAML came over to sit with us once everyone else had left. she knows about my crush and she's a bit of a talker so i was a bit worried about what was about to be said.

it turned out that the conversation was pretty tame - although she did press him about the wedding he had attended on the weekend, whether he had met anyone, why he hadn't made any connections there, etc. at one point, he had said, "i had a few opportunities but i didn't take any of them." she scolded him for not seizing the opportunity and asked him why. he said, "i'm shy. i couldn't do it."

then she started telling us about this guy that she saw on the way home on the ferry. she said to me, "i've never felt this way before but it was like love at first sight. have you ever felt like that?" initially, i thought no. and then she went on to describe how she felt, "it's like the minute i laid eyes on him, i knew i wanted to be with him. i felt completely drawn to him and i knew i just wanted to talk to him." it turned out she didn't have the guts to because he was with a group of guy friends but her description of how she felt hit home with me, and not in an unpleasant way but in the end, it made me feel really kind of sad for awhile.

i remember the first time i saw my ex. i was walking into the dispatch area to bring one of the dispatchers a note and he was sitting at one of the new computers, staring at the screen. i did triple take. and then i made every possible excuse to walk by him for the rest of the day. he didn't look at me once. the first time i ever exchanged words with him, i was covering at reception. i was on the phone with a customer and saw him from the corner of my eye, waiting patiently for me to get off the phone (i think i passed off the customer to a salesman pretty quick). i turned to him and smiled (maybe even managed a 'hi') and he said, "do you have any glass cleaner? i thought there was some in one of the cupboards up here." i managed to point to a cupboard behind me that was under one of the counters and he smiled and said thanks. i didn't even get it for him (but i got to watch him bend over).

yeah, i know that feeling. i'd kill to have that feeling again.

i gots nothing

i'm bored. but i'm not. it's a sunday afternoon and i'm not doing anything. this morning, i did some laundry and vacuuming. i watched the rest of a movie i started last night. i played some video games. i read a little. i wrote a couple of e-mails. i entertained the idea of walking to the library to drop off books that are due today but instead, i renewed them online so i wouldn't have to. talk about a lazy sunday. i don't even feel like walking to my mom's to pick up a cheque for money she owes me. (that's funny - money SHE owes ME. i shouldn't even ask for it back).

i feel guilty about not doing anything. i feel like i should be doing something and that feeling takes away from the sheer happiness i feel by just sitting around. total north american guilt trip. busy culture.

last night, my mom invited me to go with her and her sisters, my uncles and my little cousin (ok, not so little - she's almost 19) to dinner at a new "upscale, filipino restaurant." uh, huh. i said, "what's upscale about it? better karaoke system?" my aunt made reservations and they informed her, "we will only hold your reservation for 10 minutes. we don't want to encourage 'filipino time'." upscale indeed.

with some skepticism, i went. it actually was quite nice. it was situated in a mini-mall at main street and 25th, beside a coin-laundry and an insurance broker. not the best area but it's along a strip of main street that has a lot of little, independent eateries so i think it might be ok.

the food was decent. i avoided eating anything that my dad has made, simply because i already know my dad's version is better and i didn't want to be comparing it. the number of dishes on the table at any one point was a bit ridiculous but it was fun. i tried the pork skewers, the pineapple curried chicken (could've been much spicier but oh well), sweet potato fries, and the calamari. yes, i had squid, don't get excited about it. for those that are shocked, i do eat some seafood now, although i still draw the line at shellfish. ugh. and, i don't make a point of ordering seafood as a main dish, but i will eat it if it's at a buffet or as an appetizer.

the rest of the table was obsessed with this one non-alcoholic slushy drink called the calamansi and honey slushy. my cousin tried to convince my aunt to let her have the version with vodka in it and her mom refused. she retorted with, "it's only two more months, what's the difference?" i offered to get her one but she refused.

as for my favorite part of any meal - dessert - i had the dark chocolate sampler. it was a cake, a ganache and an espresso-sized hot chocolate. the ganache was out of this world. screw the sampler, just give me a huge scoop of the ganache!

my cousin and i had a good laugh or two just talking about CSI: Miami and horatio-isms. when i got home, i was almost desperate to see CSI. it was on TV but it was one of the old ones with speedle. i can't watch him.

i could tidy my apartment. god knows it needs it.

i went to my friend's wedding shower yesterday afternoon. man, she almost has as many cousins as i do. it was fun. i feel bad that i'm not going to her stagette next weekend but there are several reasons. she got a lot of gifts. now i remember why i wanted to get married in the first place. :)