that gooey feeling

i wonder if i'm trying to rush things. actually, i don't need to wonder - i know i am. i just love this gooey, mushy, warm and fuzzy feeling i have had these past two or three weeks. ever since we hashed out the ex-GF thing, things have been so much better. and yet part of me wonders - is it really better or do i just want it to be better? am i making up things to create drama or am i really bothered by them?

i might just be having a hard time adjusting. after all, it's been four years since i've had to care about anyone else's feelings but my own. i have to get used to the differences between him and my previous BFs (not that he's got that title yet but it takes too long to call him "the guy i'm dating"). in many ways, probably in the "guy" ways, he's similar to my last BF. loves his sports and beer and macho, manly stuff. at the same time, also similar to the ex, he's really emotional and (even more so than the ex), emotive (i.e. he wears his heart firmly planted on his sleeve). that's pretty much where the similarities end but is that enough to make me feel cautious about what i'm getting myself into?

my insecurities have always gotten the better of me. i wonder when i'll finally allow myself to turn the tables and get a hold of them instead?

square two

well, things are back to normal. we had lunch earlier this week and hashed it out. there were no angry words or harsh tones. he said what he had to say, i said what i had to say and we came to an understanding that, really, was already there. it's just now spoken as opposed to un-.

after my lunch with him, i went back to my desk and my co-worker said to me, "so, do you always kiss strange men you meet on the street?" busted. apparently, as i began to answer, she could see my face turn from its normal color to a slightly more pink. i think it was just because i came in from the cold into a heated building. i don't blush.

it's a beautiful day in the neighbourhood - maybe one of the last nice fall days we'll have this year. time to go for a walk with the myPod.

limbo?

i phoned him last night and it went to voicemail. i phoned him this morning and his phone was off so i left a message. i phoned him again this afternoon and it was still off. no e-mails. nothing. what the F?

was what i did a big enough thing to break up over? i mean, seriously! admittedly, i should've just brought it up when he was talking about her. playfully shot him down, you know? but to ignore my phone calls and messages? he always has time to phone me. it's funny how he can go from absolute adoration to downright jerkiness. i always did hate that damn pedestal.

i imagined last night that he was at his ex-GF's for dinner (because he told me on friday that she invited him for the family thanksgiving dinner - WTF?). this morning when he didn't answer the phone, i imagined that he was still at her house: a) asleep after OD'ing on too much turkey; or b) asleep after OD'ing on too much make-up sex. what do you think, too much time on my hands?

my horoscope from astrology.com popped into my inbox while i was waiting for him to email me (i know i'm pathetic). it said: "Now that someone or something that was nothing but trouble and worry has officially moved out of your life, you may be privately worrying that the other shoe is about to drop. Well, stop that, because that's just not the case. While, at the moment, one never knows what the Universe may have up its sleeve, there's absolutely no doubt that it will be good -- if not immediately, then in the long run, for certain. There. Better?"

eerie, eh?

wait a minute...

so he wasn't too happy with my e-mail. he replied back, saying i should've told him in person instead of through an email. my first instinct was to apologize, which i did. i replied back to him, saying that i was sorry that i chose this particular medium to communicate how i was feeling. i told him i did want to talk to him about it in person. then i said i would phone him tomorrow. and then i realized that i'm doing it again.

he totally turned this around on me. instead of just addressing the issue that i brought up, he gets upset because of the way i brought it up. and then, of course, i feel bad. but the issue is still out there, unaddressed. how is this all my fault in my head?

i really hope this is something that will blow over in a couple of days. at the same time, if it doesn't, obviously it wasn't meant to be...and all the other cliches that go along with self-talk.

i need help.

old habits

it bothers me that he still talks about his ex. it's never anything too praising or too damning but rather, it's anecdotes about their life together. and it's driving me nuts. it doesn't help that he has brought up not once, but twice how big her boobs are. i don't need to know.

so i sent him an email. one of my infamous "non-confrontational" emails, used to facilitate discussion. in it, i even said that if he needed time to work things out with her (because she emailed him on friday to invite him to dinner at her parent's place for thanksgiving) that i would step back and let him do what he needed to do. the weird part is that, despite the fact that i really like him, i'm not scared that he might actually take me up on it. perhaps it's because we really haven't been together all that long. it just feels like we have.

i have mentioned this many times but i hate that i think so much. it is more of a hindrance than a help but i can't figure out a way to deal with it. most of my relationship problems stem from my insecurities and i'm fully aware of that. yet, i still manage to think myself into a slight frenzy everytime things don't go quite the way i planned.

i made sure that any "threat" i made in my email, i was okay with going through with. i just hope i don't have to. even when he's making me crazy, i'd still rather be with him than be alone with my thoughts and theories. that's quite something if you know me.