WTF

he came to my work today to drop off flowers. with a card that said, "can we have dinner tomorrow - i need to talk to you." fuck off.

then, he phoned my house again this evening. i didn't answer but i phoned him back a few minutes later. and he talked to me like nothing bad had ever happened between us. i was so mad, i don't even remember what i said. i just know i was annoyed and not very nice. well, i don't think i was mean - i was just blunt. he asked me how i could just "turn off my feelings". i told him it was three months in the making. when i asked him about that last e-mail he sent, he laughed it off and said, "well, you made me mad." so i said, "well, you make me mad. that's why we're not seeing each other anymore." he kept asking me to go for lunch or dinner with him. i kept saying no. at the end, i said, "i'm sorry (not really), but i thought i made myself clear before." he actually said, "well, you don't have to be mean about it."

What-The-Fuck. please, oh, please let this be the last I ever hear from him. i don't wish anything bad to happen to him but he needs to leave me alone. in the timeless words of emily dickenson (or was it gloria estefan?):

go away
won't you just go away
go away
don't you come back one day
take your stuff
take all of your precious things
leave right now
who knows what tomorrow brings
stay away
won't you please stay away
live your life but live it real far away
save yourself
there's no way to get it all
look around the writing is on the wall

and when you go i won't miss you at all
and when you go i'll be having a ball
you will see
thoughts of you won't ever cross my mind
it's the truth don't mean to be unkind
'cause people have the right to party
and you won't let them have their fun
see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya
auf wiedersehen, au revoir, shalom

go away
would you please go away
go away
you're outta here come what may
hit the road
don't bother to say goodbye
don't care how
don't even matter why

yes, people have the right to party
and we're not waiting till you're gone
ciao, bye bye, hasta la vista fare thee well,adios, so long

stupid or just dense?

he phoned me yesterday. twice. and left a message saying that he just wanted to hear my voice and hoped that everything was going well. and then he phoned me again today - both on the mobile and on the house phone. WTF?

is he stupid? is he ignoring the fact that our last communcation was by him and it specifically said, "i won't bother you anymore?" WTF!

he's always said that just "hearing my voice" makes him feel better. i have the right mind to change my outgoing message on my cell phone to the system greeting. WTF...

back on the chain gang

if you consider on-line dating to be a chain gang.

yes, i'm doing it again. i've put a profile up on my favorite site to see what i can see (not unlike the bear that went over the mountain). i'm trying to be positive about it all and have nearly convinced myself to meet everyone that asks to meet. after all, you don't have to marry them and you never know until you meet them, right? although the first guy that sent me a "smile" spelled something wrong in his profile. i know i shouldn't judge just by that but he spelled "trying" as "triing". twice.

i have not given up on the Office Crush but have given up on the idea that anything might come of it. he's not interested. at the same time, i'm thinking that perhaps i need to change my tactic. forget about saving face and just put myself out there - flirt shamelessly, even. screw the candies; they're not getting me anywhere. i don't know. i'll explore that idea tomorrow if i have time.

but he does have the most amazing blue eyes. he was at my desk again today, asking a litigation question (he was so excited about getting to do a chambers application on wednesday - it was so cute). of course, my area-mate answered the question for him (i think she might like him too - although she is older than both of us) so i kept working away at my stuff. i am comforted by the fact that, although she was helping him, he didn't take his file off my counter and move over to her, where he could've seen what she was doing. i am totally reading into things but it makes me feel better. he's so cute. OMG.

no pancakes

while i can't say that i'm even remotely Catholic anymore, i do know that it's the first day of Lent tomorrow and every year, i try to do something. i usually promise to exercise more regularly or attempt to give up sweets for the 40 days. this year, i'm going to do something that will benefit me all around and it'll be something that i not only should do, but want to do. tomorrow, i am going to be a better paralegal. i'm going to try harder to be what i'm supposed to be, and not be content with being what i am now. it's time.

on a different note, the Boy sent me an e-mail yesterday, telling me how much he missed me and how hard it was for him to not have me in his life. i sent one back, jokingly saying that it's only been two weeks. he sent me an e-mail today, asking me to go see a movie with him. i politely said that i didn't think it was a good idea. he fired one back at me that said, and i quote:

"What is wrong with you? I always forgave you when you had your "moments." I'm not allowed to have one or two of my own? I thought you were more understanding... I guess not.Don't worry, I won't bother you anymore."

oh, to dream of him not bothering me anymore! :) once again, he re-affirms my rock-solid belief that i've done the right thing.

as for my Office Crush....sigh. i know he just sees me as his candy pusher (or rather, the Candy Fairy, as he likes to refer to me when we speak of me in the third person), but it's totally worth it. to have him hang around my desk and beg for a treat like a little puppy... I LOVE IT.

the reader's digest version

i haven't posted in awhile and i know you are itching to hear what is going on in my life! oh dear.

the Boy and i are no longer. it ended a couple of weeks ago although he did send me flowers on Valentine's. we haven't spoken since then (ooh, a whole week). but it really is over for me. i have no desire to be with him right now and perhaps ever. i hope he is doing well, though, as i would hate to think of him self-destructing.

the Office Crush - he's so cute. but i don't think he's very interested, at least not from what i can tell. granted, i'm not doing too much to show my interest but that's just me. i asked our receptionist to be honest with me and inquired as to whether she thought he was at all interested and she said no. i wasn't surprised. i am close to giving up but i know that once i do, that'll be it. the desire to be with him will have dissipated like dust in a rainstorm.

i am in the process of getting "pre-approved" for a mortgage. however, i'm still a little hesitant. while it makes sense for me to buy something over renting a place, it doesn't make sense if i can't scrape up a decent downpayment. and i can't. it's frustrating.

knitting is going well. i think this might be a hobby i actually keep up longer than the span of the lessons. it's cheaper than golfing, although less active and certainly less helpful at releasing any pent-up aggression. i guess it's the opposite - it's very relaxing and it is something i can really get into and while at the same time, tune everything out.

my focus right now is on becoming a better paralegal - my personality is such that i need to focus my attention on something. so, instead of my focus being on a boy or the next good sale at Old Navy, i think i'll concentrate on getting my career off the ground. then, perhaps, if i discover that i don't want to make appeal books and do dictations for the rest of my life, i might seriously consider studying for the LSAT.

the moment

my Office Crush and i shared a Moment today. ok, maybe he didn't think it was a Moment, but i sure did!

picture it - i was on a file hunt. i happened to walk passed an office he was standing in the doorway of (seriously, i wasn't stalking him...this time). as i passed, i heard him end his conversation and he started down the hallway, about three paces behind me. i could've stopped or slowed down but i played it cool (ok, i was giving mixed messages again but whatever). he started humming behind me (tee hee, that sounds dirty!) and i slowed down and as we got to the front of his office door, i turned toward him. he stopped right in front of me and we were in the "personal distance" zone - no more than 18" away from each other. i swear, for a split second, he sort of leaned into me (or was he adjusting the file in the crook of his arm?) and it looked like he wanted to kiss me. then i said, "you wouldn't happen to have the smith file in your office? maybe working with Bob on the CPL?" i can't remember what he asked me and i can't remember what i said in return but he was definitely flitting his gaze from my mouth to my eyes and back again (sooo glad i put on lipgloss after lunch!). turns out he didn't have the file and i think i might have started walking away first (or maybe he was trying to escape the uncomfortableness of our close proximity by backing into his office), and it was probably for the best because i was about to comment on his eyes and ask them whether they were blue or whether they were green (regardless, they are the color of the ocean and i could drown in them...OMG, could you BE any gaggier?)

sigh. if only...

distraction

why is it that the only way i am able to deal with the breakup of a relationship is to either work more or obsess about another guy? today, i did both.

there's a guy i work with and i've had an office-crush on him since about november. it increased exponentially when we did the annual Christmas skit together. now i'm in full-blown crush mode. i look up everytime he walks by my desk. i look at him everytime i walk by his. i'm starting to stop into his office to chat at least once a day. and (gawd help us all), i'm leaving candies on his desk when he's not looking. (i did this with dave, remember?) granted, he's been leaving stuff for me too, although whether that means he's interested in me or whether he's just returning the favor, i'm not sure.

he's got the most amazing smile that lights up his entire face. he's got these dark blue eyes that (i swear!) twinkle when he smiles. he wears some of the ugliest ties i've ever seen and shirts that have obviously been put on straight out of the laundry bag and doesn't think twice about it. when he sits at his desk and reads, he twirls his hair. he's got a wry sense of humor and he's always singing or whistling or humming. and he's got a really nice singing voice. sigh.

i know it's not going to happen, although i'd really like it to.

the other thing i've found myself doing lately is working more than i should. as in today, my boss left the office by 3:30, one of my other lawyers was out to the pub by 4:15 and I was still happily working away at 4:45. i probably would've kept working through had i not had dinner plans. i'm considering going to law school because i figure that, if i throw myself into that, i'll be so preoccupied with that work that i won't have to fret about being single anymore. i'll just dedicate my life to my work. at the moment, i'm totally okay with that. sick eh?

i always encourage people to deal with their emotions - don't deny yourself the right to feel what you're feeling. yet i do it all the time. pretend that i'm not lonely, that it doesn't hurt, that i'm happy with the way my life has turned out thus far ... i figure if i do this, then maybe all the self-doubt, self-pity and emptiness will all go away.

not so much. :)

the ol' knitting injury

i hurt myself knitting last night. don't laugh.

i have always wanted to learn how to knit - so much so that i bought a "beginners learn to knit kit" and tried to teach myself through the kit's instructional book, tiny pictures and all.

as luck would have it, my mom also wanted to learn how to knit but she was smart enough (and not as cheap as me) to sign up for knitting lessons. she went to her first class last week and e-mailed me the next day, asking me if i wanted to take over for her. her reasons for quitting were that: a) it was boring; and b) she got so tense making sure that she was using the proper technique that her shoulders tensed up and she needed a massage. i laughed at her.

i went to her second knitting class last night - loved it! by the end, i felt like a pro. this morning, i felt like i had whiplash. so much for laughing at my mom's "knitting injuries" - i had my own!

turns out that knitting involves a lot of looking down and thus, bending your neck. i have a bad neck (along with the traps and shoulders) from various car accidents (none were my fault!) and RSIs from working with computers and mice (mouses, if you will) all the time. i know better than to strain my right shoulder with an ill-placed mouse or my neck with a monitor that is set too low or too high. yet it really didn't occur to me that knitting might aggravate any of my pre-existing injuries (is that thin-skull or crumbling-skull? i could never figure out which was which). so, i didn't do any of my post-strain exercises or stretches (why would i? i was KNITTING for crying out loud!) and now, i suffer. i couldn't even get a massage appointment for tonight so i settled for one on thursday. my neck should be sufficiently worse by then, i think.

still, the urge to knit is overpowering....

ain't it funny

he phoned me today just to chat. when i phoned him back, he was watching basketball. so he chatted away, but whenever i wanted to say something or elaborate on something, he seemed to be more interested in what LeBron James was doing on the court than what i was saying on the other end of the phone. and then he phoned me again, this time to watch one of his favorite parts on this one episode of "Frasier". i swear, he was giggling away like a schoolgirl and i thought for sure i heard him pee his pants. the clip was funny - but it wasn't that funny.

then he asked me whether we were going to see each other this week and he told me to pick a day because i was "so busy". i told him that any night this week but monday worked for me. he proceeded to say that wednesday was the only night this week that he was available to see me. fuck off.

i needed this phone call. it reminded me that perhaps i was correct in keeping my distance in the first place.

dropping the f-bomb

what a fucking asshole. i realize he was just reacting to what i said in the e-mail but gawd, it didn't even make much sense. it makes it that much easier for me to deal with the end of the relationship. but some of the stuff that he accuses me of is the fucking pot calling the fucking kettle black. fuck you.

fuck you for acting like you cared about me. fuck you for making me believe that you saw your future with me. fuck you for being so fucking selfish - for knowing damn, fucking well that you weren't ready for a relationship but being fucking selfish enough to continue to date me anyway. fuck you for calling me a prude about sex - at least i can be spontaneous about it. fuck you for acting as though we had been together for years with your fucking pet names and your fucking weekends in. fuck you for saying that the way i chose to end it was immature - do you need me to forward the original e-mail you sent me that ended it the first time? fuck you for not even making enough fucking time to have a coffee with me so this might have ended civilly. fuck you for not trusting me, even though i had never given you any reason not to. fuck you and your fucking drunken way of dealing with shit you can't handle. fuck you for acting like you were the one who was making all of the sacrifices. fuck you for making me feel like i was being unreasonable. fuck you and your over-emotional, over-wrought reactions to just about fucking everything. fuck you for bringing more drama into my life than i ever wanted, wished for or imagined was available.

and finally, fuck you and your fucking football - i am sooo glad your team got spanked in the playoffs. the only thing that would've made it sweeter was if they had made it to the Superbowl and lost it in a final second heartbreaker...in overtime.

grow up, you fucking baby.

the straw

after much thought and hesitation and self-doubt and tears, i finally sent The E-mail to end it all...for now. and after i had sent it, this was the daily horoscope that popped into my inbox an hour later:

"Don't let an important relationship in your life unravel, especially when it's so easy to pick up the threads. A simple phone call or a short email exchange can go much further than you'd think."

i don't know how he'll react. i don't know if he'll try to contact me. i left the door open but i also made it clear that he wasn't currently offering me what i needed.

if i can make it through the next 72 hours without hearing from him, i think this one might stick.

fix-it

i want to be with him because i think i can "fix him". he's so broken. he's had a heckuva life. his past relationships have obviously made him suspicous and untrusting. so i think i've actually taken it upon myself to make him right again. i know that i'm the right person to do it and yet i also know that it's not my job to do it. he's been broken for 30+ years - what makes me think i can change things and make his life better in less than 6 months?

have i said that i know how wrong he is for me? that he's taken advantage of the way i am in relationships? that he's getting everything he needs from me but i'm getting nothing i need from him? that he's having his cake and eating it too?

i have said all of that? twice, you say? ok, just checking.

subconscious

i think i am subconsciously trying to sabotage this relationship. but, it can't be subconscious if i am conscious of it. i am so messed up.

i've been "distant" with him lately - his words, not mine. it's not advertent - i guess i've just been trying to keep busy. i resent the fact that he just doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me - more specifically, any one-on-one time. he told me today that he wanted to see me this wednesday and then when i asked him whether i'd see him this weekend, he told me friday night. i was really hoping to spend the weekend with him - i have the apartment, after all. but he doesn't seem to think along those lines. he cares more about how big the TV is in the apartment than the fact that we'll be alone. he won't watch here because the TV isn't big enough but he suggested that we go to my house to watch. huh? i know how important the playoffs are to him and i am perfectly happy watching the games with him. but he seems to be avoiding being alone with me. and avoiding introducing me to his friends. avoiding any real placement in his everyday life in general, actually.

i am beginning to think that, while he obviously does like me, he's just not as attracted to me as he'd like to think he is. seriously, i could walk around topless and he would tell me to put a shirt on. should i be flattered that he doesn't see me as just a sexual object? or should i be insulted? is it because he's older so his sex drive isn't as high? i don't understand.

and he had the nerve to say to me today that i always have issues about something when i got really pouty about not being able to see him this weekend. EXCUSE ME???

all the wrong places

why do i seek validation from men who are not worth my time? i was at a friend's birthday party tonight and was very much looking forward to going as i haven't been able to see this particular group of friends for awhile. unbeknownst to me, this guy i had asked out last year was there (i didn't expect him to be there because he's not really a friend of my friend). anyway, last year when i asked him out, he sounded interested in actually going out and he took my number. he never phoned me. soon after, i heard about what he was really like - not that he was a boy whose day job was being a lawyer nor that he was a player (he's both, actually). no, it was that his dream was to buy a warehouse, convert the top into a loft so he could live there, and make the bottom part a BMX track. he's 33. um, yeah.

anyway, he was sitting with my friend and they were looking cozy enough that people started asking whether they were dating. for a lark, i took their picture and they hammed it up - she looked embarrassed and he looked very comfortable. and all i could think was, "why didn't he call me? why isn't he falling all over me now? what the hell is wrong with him?"

it is still bugging me, even though i know he's not the one for me. maybe it's because he's really, really, really cute. hot, almost. i am so shallow. ;)

what i gotta do

i need to break up with him. it took a stranger who was scouting for potential "daters" for a TV show called "manhattan matchmaker" to really hammer it home how much i need to end this relationship. and not just because they won't let me on the show if i don't.

this relationship has been very bad for my self-esteem. it's taken me back to square one, where i thought i had left my old self behind. and now, she's back and getting walked on, all over again. it's not right.

i've already started dropping hints (although we know how good he is at picking them up). like when he complained today about how he hasn't seen me in a long time, i said, "well, if you had some time for me, you'd see me. i could've seen you tonight." and he said, "but the hockey game was on." and i said, "you could've asked me to watch it with you." and he said, "yeah, i guess so." talk about out of sight, out of mind.

i want so much for this to work but the fact remains that it isn't - at least not for me.

happy new year

i went to a NYE party last night at the Commodore with two couples and one of my girlfriends. i wasn't looking forward to it as i figured it would be a night of smoochy couples and drunken revelry. i was sort of wrong.

i had a great time; probably the best time i've had at new year's in a long time. everyone was drinking but me but no one was annoying. the two couples each had an agreement that they could each flirt with other people - just no kissing. apparently, that limitation didn't include anyone in the group. my two friends from work (my girlfriend and one of the guys in the couples) were grinding on the dancefloor, holding hands, stroking thighs, even kissing necks. it was a very odd thing for me to witness and, had i been drinking, i probably would've said something in jest. i was just so weirded out that i couldn't say anything. one of the other girls kept flashing people but she did have a nice rack and she was very sweet about it (as sweet as you can be when you are flashing bartenders for free drinks). it was a very interesting night. i managed to get home and in bed by 4 a.m. and i was awake and up and at 'em (as much as you can be at 'em on NYD Sunday).

as for my yearly resolutions, i don't really want to make any this year. i always make the same ones every year and they are ones i should live by everyday anyway so why bother making them? but i'd feel like it was bad luck to not make them... so, here they are:

1. Learn to knit;
2. Learn a new language;
3. Go somewhere different for my birthday this year (not just a new place in Mexico, either);
4. Live my life based on what I actually need and want and not by what other people tell me I need and want or what I think I need and want based on comparing myself to other people;
5. No More Drama.

okay, so i stuck in a couple of less frivolous ones. but in the next few weeks, more than ever, i need to be reminded of those ones especially.

retail therapy

i spent $365.00 today on stuff i simply don't need. i've already packed up more than half of it to return it to their respective stores on the weekend. and you know what? it doesn't bother me.

in fact, the one thing i've learned about my shopping habits is that, although i do tend to buy stupid things and lots of them (albeit always on sale and always at a steal of a deal), even if i end up returning 95% of the stuff i've bought, it makes me feel good just to have known i owned it for a couple of days. sick, eh?

however, i'm not stupid about it. i never buy stuff that i've fallen in love with and can't afford because i end up justifying keeping the purchase and regret it later. the stuff i've bought at the boxing day sales are of the "like 'em but can leave 'em" kind, which is fine with me. who needs three new pairs of shoes when i have at least two pairs in my closet that are still in boxes? i keep buying pants because i get such a good deal on them (and i find it hard to buy pants that look good on me) but what i really need are tops - for work, for weekend, for going out. so i'm going to return the $10 pair of pants i bought at Reitmans because, even though they are only $10, for $20 i bought a nicer pair at the GAP and i know they will last longer.

and i bought a sweater for the Boy. it's only $20 and it would look so good on him but i will hold out on giving it to him. his birthday is in a month - i'll add this sweater to whatever else i might get him, if we make it to then. :)

christmas blues

i used to get so excited about Christmas. i loved going shopping and picking out gifts and putting up decorations and singing carols - and this was just within the past 5 years! i don't know why, as i get older, it seems like Christmas doesn't mean anything anymore.

every year, Christmas displays in stores go up earlier and earlier. at the rate they are going up, at some point they will actually coincide with the Christmas season. it doesn't feel like people care about spending time with family and friends - it's all about how much money you're going to spend and what you hope you'll get. i think i'm finally over-commercialized, if that's even possible.

it occurs to me that this feeling of nothingness has grown stronger over the past five years and i wonder if it is a coincidence that my Christmas Mass attendance has also waned over the past five years. it's not that i didn't like going to Christmas Eve Mass - it's more that it wasn't something that made sense to go to anymore. it's not that i don't still have the beliefs i grew up with. but when you make the effort to go to church on Christmas Eve and end up sitting in the adjacent school's gymnasium, watching what's going on in the Church by closed-circuit TV, the event loses its feeling. coupled with the fact that everyone else in the gym (usually late-comers or people with small children) end up chatting with each other throughout most of the hour instead of watching the priest on the TV, you stop taking it very seriously.

i'm not very Catholic anymore (but then again, how many Catholics do you know that are?) but i think i might go to Christmas Eve Mass this year. i know a lot of people will scoff at me but i think everyone, no matter what beliefs you subscribe to, needs to believe in something. even believing in nothing is believing in something, ironically enough. i think this is the year that i need to re-visit some things i believed in, even though it doesn't mean that i'm going back for good.

prayer for relief

God, give me the strength - any strength you can spare - to help me deal with this thing we call love.

he phoned me on sunday and apologized for his behaviour, although he says he's still mad. it irks me that he thinks we can just fall back into place - we are going to "talk" about it, but everything seems all the same now, pre-DQM (drama queen moment). i want him to know that he can't just blow up at me for no reason and expect everything to return to normal when he's ready for it to. yet i'm not sure if i'm really getting through to him with that.

i gave him what-for when he phoned. i told him it was up to him whether he believed what i was telling him but i insisted i wasn't dating anyone else but him. i told him that i have guy friends and asked him if he had female friends. he said he didn't and i said, "why, because you always end up dating them?" and he said something that sort of sounded like, "yes." i don't know if he was being facetious or just being stubborn but now i wonder. yet, what the fuck does he care? he's the one who said he wasn't ready to do the exclusive thing. i'm the one who's waiting around for him to make up his mind. there is some serious inequality going on here and i don't like it.

i'm not sure he trusts me, although i don't know why. i've never given him any reason not to.

this stupidness needs to stop. stop the insanity!!!

relief?

we had another dramatic episode this morning, culminating in him walking out the door (hastily packed bag in hand) saying, "well, i hope you two are very happy together." slam.

then he phones 30 minutes later and i answer. he's surprised that i answer and says, "i was just going to leave a nasty voicemail for you." and i said, "well, you've got me on the phone. tell me now." he refused. i told him he had left his scarf and a pair of socks in the room and he said, "OH WELL." then he hung up.

fucking drama queen. i finally feel like i've done everything i could. and i'm 95% glad it's over.