groundhog day

no, i'm not a day early. i'm faced with a similar situation i have been in twice, to varying degrees. and i am having a head v. heart dilemma, even though head should definitely win this one.

i have been trading e-mails with a guy i met on one of my dating websites. i had actually met him on one, initially, and he expressed interest on that one, but it was the one that i wasn't paying for. oddly, or not, i was matched up with him on the pay-site too and we started corresponding.

he's great. his emails are witting and engaging. he's a writer too and our styles are similar. we had great email chemistry (which we know does not always translate into in-person chemistry).

he sent me an email today, basically saying that when he first started corresponding with me, he had gone on one date with another woman. he didn't think anything would come of it so he continued to "meet" other people online. well, two dates turned into several and now he thinks there may be potential with her. he apologized if i thought he had wasted my time. i didn't think he had at all. that's just the way it is, right?

and then, he writes the following:

So, I wonder where we should go from here? Would you like to continue correspondence in a friendly way for now? Would you prefer to wait and check in a month or so to see if my date-match has turned into anything? Or do you prefer just to close things out and call it a poor twist of fate? I prefer options A or B, but I understand if you think option C is the way to go.

You seem unusually interesting to me so I'd hate to lose contact with you, but I respect whichever way you think is best.

i know what you're thinking, because that's exactly what i'm thinking too. WTF?

here's my take: i think he and i could potentially be good friends. and i've missed having a guy friend in my life. what could the harm be?

and then i remembered the two other times this has happened to me - the Server and MGF. the Server was just that - our favorite server at our favorite restaurant six years ago. we started to hang out and i'm pretty sure there were feelings on his side because one day, when i jokingly asked him why he hasn't asked me out yet, he alluded to the fact that he was going to, and then droped the bomb that someone asked him out instead. they're married now.

and we know the story with MGF. met online. i was just getting to know him and the Boy at the same time. both told me they weren't into anything serious. MGF acted like he meant it. the Boy didn't. i was hopeful and naive enough to think that i could change the Boy. six months later, the Boy was (almost) out of my life, MGF was still quite in my life but was also quite in his new girlfriend's life too. so much for "not serious". they're getting married in july.

i've basically written my response to No. 3 - that my initial reaction was, "Of course I still want to be friends! We get along so well!" and then i remembered that i already have two friends like that, and they're not really friends at all.

it makes me sad, though, that i am going to tell a guy that i feel very in-tune with that i don't want to continue to keep in touch. at the same time, my new year's resolution was to become the lead character in my own life, but i can't do that if i continue to allow myself to be a minor character in other peoples' lives. it's not healthy.

and really, who asks someone they've never met in person before to, in effect, "wait" for them while they test someone else out? really? really??

hot for teacher

i keep counting down the end of my days teaching as a good thing. now i am counting down with the sole purpose of getting one of the teachers to notice me.

i think i may have mentioned him - he's the science teacher whose classroom i'm using to teach my night class. if you were to see me when i get a chance to say something to him, you'd laugh. you know how with most guys i'm interested in, i can barely make eye contact? with Mr. G, i'm practically throwing myself at him. if i had to watch myself flick my hair and flash my 1000 watt grin, i'd puke.

six weeks and i will have a date with him. unless he's got a girlfriend, but if he's single, he's mine.

no more!

forecast overnight is for 5 to 10 cms of snow. no more. NO MORE!!!! AAAAARRGHHH!!

i hate freaking snow! fine, it's pretty when it falls at night and it's nice when it's just fallen. but then it gotsta go.

incidentally, i had a great day at work on friday, which i told my girlfriends about last night at dinner. today, i sat beside a woman on the skytrain that didn't believe in tissues (and didn't have one to give her), so i listened to her sniffing back her snot for 35 minutes. by the time i got off the train, i was about ready to scream. i was in a nasty mood all day today - not particulary mad, just snarly. my eyes are dry, either from the weather or the antibotics. the dryness is making me tired. i had a meagre lunch today and was hungry the rest of the day. and then i realized - PMS! this is the week. wow, the snarliness is like clockwork. who needs a calendar when you have my nasty moods to tell the time of the month?

incidentally, to remedy my paltry mid-afternoon meal, i stopped off at IGA to pick up some ground pork. got some ground beef too. took it home, mixed it up, seasoned it, mixed it and dashed it with extra chipotle tabasco and BAM! i had the best burger i've ever made - possibly ever had - in my entire life! along with the yam fries and chipotle mayo dip, by the end of the burger (which i was torn between scarfing down and savoring), my nose was running as badly as the woman from this morning.

talk about full circle.

evolution

i can literally see my evolution. i feel like i've changed overnight, but really, it's been over a matter of months.

the growth, the maturity, the foresight. maybe it's just cause i'm tired of complaining (really, finally!) and tired of worrying about the future.

i don't preface every comment on a meal with, "well, because of my taste affliction..." instead, i just say whether i think it tastes good or not. the "affliction" has been in my life for six months so i think i can safely say, it's here to stay. and with that, i have realized that perhaps my taste was affected because i needed to make that food change in my life. ruled by the decadence and comfort of food, i allowed it to take control over my life. the weight gain, the complacency. if the taste affliction taught me anything (and it taught me a lot!), it's that part of evolution is accepting that things are not going to always be the same and often, they don't stay the same. i can no longer go to Denny's at 3am, have a Grand Slam breakfast and not wake up feeling just a bit fatter than i did the day before. instead, i know that to change my life (and my waistline), i have to change my relationship with food and the way i eat. and as i always say, change is good. evolution of acceptance.

i don't immediately jump on my high horse when presented with tasks at work that i have previously deemed "beneath me". i have the respect of my peers and my superiors. they trust me enough to come to me when things need to be done efficiently and correctly, even if it's just to change flight plans. i have worked hard and earned that trust. i should be thankful. evolution of ego.

i don't lose control when i'm at the mall and i'm surrounded by sale signs. i take a quick mental stock of what i need versus what i want, and all of a sudden, the desire to buy another cozy sweater that's a shade darker than the one i bought the week before, has dissipated. except for the red patent ballerina flats. those i had to have. and i gave away one pair of flats to compensate. evolution of control.

i enjoy making plans in my head of what i'm going to do when i have money to spare, but a lot of those plans now include getting a real nest egg/rainy day fund going so i can start making more frequent payments on the mortgage. yes, a nice, yearly beach holiday is also in the plan, but not without a little sacrifice elsewhere in the budget. evolution of the future!

hallelujah, i think she's finally starting to get it!

crowd

i have thirteen students in my class this time around. not sure i'll still have all thirteen next week, but i guess we'll see.

it was a weird feeling. i've been dreading this day since december. i whined all day that i didn't want to go. and then, when i get there, i'm calm. i'm organized. i'm not at all nervous (i can tell because neither my hands nor my voice was shaking). i was confident in my delivery and the way i answered questions. and i felt good. almost good enough to continue on to another class.

almost. not quite. and most certainly not for this particular school board's program!

incidentally, when i went to the office to pick up my books, there was a very attractive guy that was sort of lumbering around the office area. turns out he was a teacher at the school and i was using his classroom. he helped me carry my text books to the class. yes, i tried to flirt with him but he was stonier than i am normally. didn't even crack a smile. science geeks.

pay it forward

i was feeling slightly down today. another coffee date last night, another lukewarm reaction from the guy. i know it has more to do with what their expectation of me was going to be, but it doesn't mean it's not going to affect me in some way. work was a bit of a drag as i'm feeling slightly overwhelmed again. i was looking forward to coming home and vegging on the couch.

i stopped off at IGA because i ran out of bread this morning. the cashier went through the usual drill with me (hi, how are you, blah blah blah). when she gave me my receipt, i smiled and said thanks. as i went to reach for my bag that was sitting at the end of the counter, the cashier reached over to me and said, "thank you for giving me a nice smile!" i was surprised. it made me further aware that retail jobs are some of the most thankless and that a genuine smile can brighten up a person's day, even for just that one moment.

needless to say, her compliment paid itself forward. i'm feeling cheery again.

zut alors!

i don't mean this to sound conceited but i think i may be too photogenic. like, i think i look really good in photos, but then when people meet me in person, they're disappointed that i don't look the same as my picture.

i met an online date for coffee yesterday. Nico and i met and started exchanging e-mails only a couple of weeks ago but it seemed like the right time to meet. we had exchanged some really good e-mails - not just the "what's your favorite song" type of e-mails but ones where actual conversations and exchanges were taking place. he came across as very real, with no hint of arrogance or pompousness. and i'm not saying i expected either just because he's from France.

when i got to the coffee shop, i saw him in the window. i was almost certain it was him. i walked in the door and stood five feet from where he was sitting. i stood there and scanned the room, giving him enough time to see me, ensure it was probably me, and then by the time my eyes reached his, he would smile and i would walk over and say, "bonjour!"

as my eyes reached where he sat, i realized he was not looking at me. he was looking in the other direction. he didn't realize it was me. he was expecting someone better looking.

i managed to make my way over to him and say hello and he returned my hello and we sat and chatted for about an hour. when it was time to part ways, he said, "i would hug you but i don't want to get you sick," because he was still battling the cold he had caught over Christmas. pas de probleme!

except when i ran through the whole evening in my head this morning, it played more like, "get me out of here" than "get me home so i can rest and see this wonderful angel of a woman again soon." i don't even remember him suggesting that we should meet again. sigh.

against my better judgment (head, not heart), i sent him the Follow-Up Note (ironically acronymed as "FUN") this morning, just wishing him a speedy recovery and expressing that if he wanted to get together again, i would like to see him.

will he respond? je ne sais pas. do i want him to? OUI! he was so nice and seemed so kind. i don't even want to date him, necessarily, but someone like him would be a nice friend to spend time with every now and then. but how do you say that without sounding like you're expecting anything else? bah.

c'est la vie.

in-som-ni-ya

night four. it didn't help that i forgot to ask for a "decaf mocha" tonight when i met my newest online match for coffee. he was really nice.

i don't understand why i'm having trouble sleeping. i toss and i turn. i stare at the clock (or rather, i think it's staring at me). i'm tired but i can't sleep. perhaps two weeks of sleeping a one or two or three in the morning wasn't such a good idea after all.

ring my bell

nothing like a fire alarm to kick start your morning. at least this time, it was in the morning!

the bell went off, just as i was taking stuff out of the fridge for brunch. i woke up late today (don't know why) and then puttered instead of following my newly instigated schedule. as the bell and alarms screamed, i thought to myself, "this is why i should always change into lounging clothes, instead of just lounging in my pjs." i quickly changed into something decent and went down to the front.

less than ten neighbours joined me, which is frightening. i know that it's probably a false alarm, but why would want to take that risk?

the fire department came because they're the only ones who can switch off the alarm. the one that did it - HOT. but also a firefighter who probably gets more than his share of the women-folk because he's hot and a firefighter, which probably means he has an ego the size of Montana (is Montana big, because that's what i was going for), which means i want nothing to do with him. well, maybe ONE thing to do with him. but before the cheesy 70s porn soundtrack starts, i digress...

it turns out the alarm went off because of an over-flowing washing machine (don't ask me how that works). a guy on the main floor left his washing machine going and went out for a few minutes. he got back just as the alarm was starting. apparently the water is now seeping into the games room directly below him. that sucks because it means yet another insurance claim for the strata if the owner doesn't have insurance. at the same time, i'm glad it wasn't an owner's suite because that would suck for them.

and that reminds me, i really should get that emergency ladder that i've been putting off getting. safety before more shoes!

my ears are still ringing.

sally ann

i went for a walk today in the 'hood, wellies and all, with the sole purpose of finding out some wedding dress info for Cess. i did, and then ended up walking by the Salvation Army on the way home. i decided to pop in to check it out and ended up buying three purses and two books, all for under $30 canadian dollars. i've said this before, but i think i found my new favorite store.

i bought a red pocketbook style purse, an ivory envelope clutch and a black cord messenger bag. the first two are no-name but the last one is a fossil so i paid the premium price of $12.00. not bad. i don't know that i can buy anything else there (like clothes or coats or ... shudder... towels and underwear) but accessories, i can handle. i forgot to look for a belt, though. guess i'll have to go back tomorrow.

and i can't believe i've lived 30 years in Vancouver and have never had a pair of rain boots. i used my new pair today and it was fantastic! my pant hems aren't wet and neither are my feet. my pants are a bit wrinkled from stuffing them in the boot, but they'll get over it, as will i.

oh, and the wedding dress? i checked out the designer's website and fricken eh, i want to get married just so i can buy one of her dresses!