smack

i think the Ninja and Mon kissed each other goodbye tonight - in public and on the mouth. after all, cheek kisses aren't really audible. we were at a dinner tonight and Mon was getting a ride home with someone else (the Ninja was actually going home to his family - weird, eh?). anyway, it was the three of us standing on the sidewalk, and a line up of other people in the street, waiting to cross. i was about to walk away from the group and happened to glance at the Ninja and Mon. they moved in for a hug and for whatever reason, i politely looked away. i heard a very audible kiss and looked at them again in time to see them hug and most definitely to see the sheepish look on the Ninja's face - caught red-handed, as they say? i'm pretty certain he was red-faced.

i decided awhile ago that i was going to let go of my indignant feelings about his indiscretions because, above everything, it's none of my business. it's his life and if he chooses to continue cheating on his wife and family with some woman from work, so be it. i don't like to see it, but that's why i choose not to spend any more time with them than i have to. unfortunately, i didn't leave soon enough. and i thought it was sketchy that it took them a over an hour to drive to the dinner. together.

uh huh

i'm nearing the end of my two weeks leave from work. it's been great. truly. okay so the first four days were spent in the wake of a morphine-induced haze. but this week has been truly amazing. the weather's been gorgeous. i'm feeling more spry. i've done nothing but relax. i probably could've gone back to work this week, but i decided to take this week off for my mental health. okay, so i haven't spent a lot of time thinking about my purpose in life and whether i'm fulfilling it but, as my brother would say, meh.

incidentally, the OC e-mailed me (and A) on facebook and told us about this costume party at a gallery in gastown on friday night. i replied back, but only in relation to some pictures he had on his profile. he wrote back, "so, are you going to the party? you should" A told him he should and i basically said i had other plans but thanks. he totally wants me.

LOL

under pressure

i've just officially had a panic attack. and now i'm making pizza. my last meal, so to speak.

my procedure is tomorrow - exactly 12 hours from now. i am worried. i am scared. i have this very unnerving feeling that i may not make it out alive. i'm not kidding. i don't really want to get into it, but i feel that perhaps my time has come. i don't want to die, but it may be that's what happens. maybe i'm over-reacting. i don't know. i guess i'll find out in 14 hours.

i haven't had a panic attack in a very long time. i started getting anxious when i left work (at 6:30, thank you very much). made it onto the skytrain and then to my station. as i was walking home, my heart started to beat faster and i felt a bit queasy. about 3 minutes into the walk, i started to tear up. i tried as best i could to hold it back but the minute i walked through the front door to my apartment, i lost it. i started hyperventilating and i was crying uncontrollably. i'd say that was a panic attack, yes?

i've calmed down since and i'm currently making a sundried tomato, spinach and feta cheese pizza. i've eaten three cookies in the meantime. i'm very nervous.

Doc Tardy just left a message on my voicemail, reminding me that this procedure was routine for the surgeons and not to panic. i started to cry again.

i think it's better that this happens now, rather than tomorrow. they may not do the procedure if i'm overly-anxious. then again, maybe they'll give me a stronger sedative. wish me luck.

chasm

my dad just phoned me. he said he just wanted to talk. i thought that was weird. and then he started talking and i could tell that he had been crying. he asked me to talk to my brother because he was worried that my brother just wasn't independent enough. and he isn't. he doesn't go out much by himself. when he and my dad go out, he just sticks with my dad and doesn't go off on his own. at first, my dad was just sort of venting - how he was tired of making dinner and my brother not eating anything because he didn't like it. and then he re-iterated that he thought he was a terrible father, and then i started crying. he said he was afraid that if he were gone, my brother would be alone - he wouldn't go to live with my mom but he wouldn't know how to live on his own and take care of himself. and then he started sobbing. do you know how hard it is to hear your stoic father sob on the phone and say to you, "i feel so alone." it's hard. it's really, really hard.

he talked more about how he felt like he had no life because all he did was work to live. he was concerned about his expenses (sound familiar? wonder where i got it from, eh?) and how he would never have enough money to do the things he wanted. i pointed out to him that his lifestyle was not so different now than when he was with my mom and they had two incomes. his argument was that at least now, he didn't have to explain to anyone why he bought something. i told him it was a small trade-off to live comfortably. he told me there was no chance for reconcilliation, and he was firm about it, but i said that wasn't what i meant. i meant that he had an opportunity to live the way he wanted, but he chose not to. so now, he has to figured out how to do it a different way. he lamented again about no money and that his car payment was holding him back. i asked him how much longer he had to pay it off and he said, "until next september." i said, "but think about how much money you'll have once you pay that off. you've been in your new place now for a year and it's flown by. another year and you'll have an extra $500 in your bank account. then, four months later, you can go to the Philippines. you just have to take it month-to-month." he seemed to understand that...at least, i hope he did.

the only time i ever regret my parents splitting up is times like this. if both of them had just tried a little bit hard to understand each other and were a little bit better and communicating with each other, they'd still be together. and probably a less alone than they are now, apart.

listen

i just got off the phone with Doc Tardy. she just doesn't really hear me sometimes. i was telling her about the procedure i'm going to have done in a couple of weeks. she asked if it would affect my fertility and i said, "it might, but they don't really have any real statistics either way because the procedure is fairly new." i then went on to tell her that it didn't really matter to me whether i could have kids or not because 1) i don't necessarily want children and 2) "having" kids to me does not equal "bearing" children. i could just as easily adopt - children are children. whether they have my eyes or not has no bearing on me. she said, "oh yeah." not two minutes later, she goes on to tell me a story of this woman she saw on Good Morning America who had to go through radiation treatment after her bout with cancer but managed to still bear her own children a few years later. "See?," she said, " You still have hope!" Oy.

the Duckster has announced that, after two years of being a paralegal, she's finally decided to take the plunge and go to law school. of course, the announcement made me think about my own path to law school again, but i'm happy just being happy for her. she loves the work too much to just be on the sidelines. she needs to be up front and leading the team. i hope she does well. she doesn't take well to doing poorly so i know she'll work hard but i am not sure she's really aware of how strenuous law school really is. rewarding, but strenuous.

last night, i decided to read over the material the doctor gave me about the procedure because i wanted to know what to expect the day i checked in and that sort of thing. bad idea because i started crying. it was obviously a necessary cry because everytime i thought of the procedure, i would tear up. but then i started thinking about work and i really started to sob. i think i'm just under stress, generally. as for the procedure itself, if they were to just put me under, i would be fine. because it's local, i'm not so sure. i don't want to be aware of whatever is going on. i can deal with waking up in pain - i just don't want to witness the procedure that causes it!

i e-mailed MGF today, just to see how his health ailments were (gawd, are we getting old or what?). he said, among other things, "it's weird you should e-mail me. i just had a dream about you the other night." i e-mailed back, "do i even want to know what it was about?" he sent back, "it's not appropriate to discuss over e-mail, but let's just say that your losing streak ended quite nicely." why does he tell me things like that? it's weird. he's weird. i'm not reading into it. he's a guy.

this weekend is thanksgiving and 20 of my closest family members are trucking down and across the border to a rented house on the water. it looks lovely. i think it will be fun - shopping and chilling and hanging out. if i could only convince my aunt that a turkey dinner is not required, it would be a perfect weekend. i will have to make something else or i'll go hungry. i wonder where the closest Olive Garden is?