not in the mood for criticism

i just need a pep talk.

i'm sitting here crying (finally). part of me is thinking, "i don't understand why he doesn't like me." before you roll your eyes at me, another part of me is thinking, "you have no less than four guys who are looking to see you again. why are you so hung up on this one?" why? i know why. i just don't understand why. why?

why do i not believe i deserve better than my OC?

why am i so focused on getting him to like me (as a friend or otherwise) that i feel nothing towards these four very nice guys that are asking me out on second and third dates?

why am i not allowing myself to emotionally distance myself from him?

OMG, does all of this really stem from childhood? a psychological need to be accepted? i know i'm like that - but why am i making special efforts for him? i just don't get it.

if you are going to respond in an e-mail, then tell me something i don't already know about this stupid, emotionally one-sided situation i've trapped myself in. can't think of anything new? then don't say anything. just pray that i come to my senses soon. did i tell you that A has already moved out of her love nest and back in with her sister? it seems like the break has happened sooner than anyone thought.

i got three e-mails today from former co-workers, forwarding a memo from the big boss at the AG's office that paralegals will be "tested out" in an 18-month long pilot project. i also learned today that i am still being covered under my old work's medical plan, even though it's been at least a year since i've paid any premiums and at least three years since they have. it's almost like it's a sign: the mother ship is calling me home.

on a similar note, my Mentor said to me today, "they may hire another paralegal to help me and take on all of the Ninja's stuff." i just smiled and nodded but internally, i was thinking, "WTF? i'm a freaking paralegal and i work for the Ninja! why do they need to hire someone else? if anything, they need to hire another secretary to take on my stuff so i can start doing what i was trained to do!" mother ship, indeed.

strange things are afoot at the circle K. is it a full moon?

the blahs

is anyone monitoring the days i feel "blah"? it's starting to feel like it's more often, or perhaps the days are starting to run together.

it was one of those days when i stopped at one point and thought, "how did i get to work today?" i didn't feel like flirting with my OC. i didn't feel like standing and conversing at reception. i wanted to just sit in my chair and spin. i feel very indifferent today. like, if the world were to end tomorrow, it wouldn't make a difference to me. it didn't matter whether i ate or not. it didn't matter whether i went home or not. and even though my neck and shoulders are hurting again, it doesn't seem to matter if i get an appointment with an MT or not. heck, i'm not even overthinking anything right now. yes, indifference has set in, at least today.

i figure it's because i had such a busy weekend. i was non-stop from friday 'til last night. i don't even have the TV on right now. no music. nothing. i've been sitting on my couch, staring at the wall for a good 15 minutes. i'd actually like to go to sleep. maybe i should.

i don't even think crying would help. you know, sometimes you just need to cry. i don't even want to watch my sure-fire crying aid - imagine me, indifferent to seeing Ryan Gosling in "The Notebook". i can't even use exclamation points right now.

blah.

pest from the past

picture it: i was sitting at my desk on friday afternoon, working away. my phone rings. it's a transferred call from the switchboard. i have a couple of messages that i had left in the morning, plus one of my lawyers is out of town but in contact by phone. i answer and i hear, "hi." it's not a voice i immediately recognize so i wait a brief second for him to follow up with, "i'm just returning your call." he doesn't say it. i finally say, "who's this?" he says, "it's mike." i immediately think, "shit - is this greek-mike, hell's kitchen-mike or banker-mike?" a split second later, the voice registers in my head and i say, "Oh. Hi." i told you it wasn't over yet.

i was civil. i didn't get upset at him for phoning me at work and i even asked him how his new job was going. he asked me how i knew and i said, "the last e-mail you sent me had your work signature on it." he said, "oh, you mean the last e-mail you ignored and didn't respond to?" i said, "yes, that one." we didn't talk long and at the end, he said, "well, you have my e-mail if you ever want to say hi." i said, "yup."

when i got home, he had sent me an e-mail. it went a little something like this:

Thanks for taking my call. I hope you will read this and understand things a little more.

I wanted to tell you so many things before, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t in the right place to do anything in my life, let alone include someone in my life. So why did I even start seeing you? I don’t know - I was selfish? The smart thing for me would have been for me to recognize where I was in my life and stay away from you until I had a clue what I was doing. And for that I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you in any way. I never meant to be aloof around you. I never meant to act as though I didn’t care or that you didn’t matter – because I did care and you do matter! I was just in the wrong place in my life and I was being selfish. Without a job, I was drinking way too much and carrying on like an idiot half the time. I had no consideration for anyone but myself and for that, I’m sorry. I never, ever meant to make you feel like a “doormat,” as you once said to me. You’re a very special person and you deserved more than I was giving you. I understand why you pulled away.

For the record… that is not who I am. I am not a jealous person – I never have been. I am a very caring and considerate person who loves being in love and spending a lot of time with the one I love. I wish I would have let you see more of that side rather than the ugliness.

Having said all of that, in the end I had extremely strong feelings for you. I still think about you all the time and it has taken every ounce of strength not to call you or show up at your door. I e-mailed earlier you because I was hoping you would e-mail back and then I could explain all of this. I am not trying to get back into your life, because I understand that that ship has sailed, but it has been killing me that I never got the chance to say what was on my mind. I understand if you hate me, but I wanted you to know that I am sorry for everything and you really did mean a lot to me – even if I never showed it.

I would like it if you could respond to this e-mail. I am not looking to be exonerated from anything, but I do want to know if you understand. I’m quite sure you have already dealt with all of this on your end and I am sorry if I am bringing up bad memories. But I really needed to tell you all of this because the person you new six-eight months ago is not who I am.


And yes, I did send a response (just now):

i understood all of this a long time ago. i don't want to sound insensitive or clinical about this but it seems counter-productive and almost self-destructive for you to keep going over this, particularly six months after the fact. i made a choice to continue seeing you, even though i knew that you had just broken up with a long-time girlfriend and that you weren't interested in anything serious. i made a choice to continue seeing you after you told me you didn't want to see me anymore....twice...in two months. i also made a choice to stop seeing you.

i know you think i hate you but i don't. i've told you several times in the past that i didn't hate you but it seems that you want to believe i do. that's your choice.

finally, just a comment about how you say that you're not a jealous person and you never have been. you are an educated and intelligent person so surely you must realize that how one person sees themselves is not necessarily how another person sees them. for example, i think of myself as shy and reserved. my close family and friends think this is bullshit and people that just meet me casually think i'm a snobby bitch. so who's right? a lot of experiences contribute to a person's opinion of someone else and i never met the mike that you know as the 'real' mike. there's not much that you (or i) can do to change that. it's water under the bridge. it's done.

i hope me answering your e-mail helps you put this whole thing behind you and i know you understand that by answering, it doesn't mean i'm inviting you back in to my life. this was simply for me to dispel any bad thoughts you might still have and to confirm that i think you're a good person and i'm glad you've got your life back on track. let's leave the past in the past and continue on our respective paths.

best of luck.

i was going to be a lot more abrupt. but i knew that would just invite a retaliation. why is it always the ones that aren't good (enough) for me the ones that chase?

on a different note, A, who just moved in with her boyfriend of 8 years about a month ago, is moving back home soon. when i questioned her about it, she said that they were fighting a lot more than usual and that it was time for a break from each other. she said this as she was trying to snuggle up with my OC at joey's on broadway. i met them for drinks on friday night. it was the Student's last day and that cutie friend of my OCs was there too. for a spell, i was sandwiched in a squishy, odd-shaped booth between my OC and his cutie friend, who claimed to have a paper route. we spent the evening chatting about his paper route (oh, he was totally bullshitting, by the way, but it was the conversation we chose to expand and embellish for the night). my OC's ex (of several years, i learned) phoned. i learned that he had recently lent her $500 because she's going to europe (and he booked the tickets for her) and that they are talking about being business partners. she's a fashion designer. i asked him if she was involved in the fashion expo at the plaza of nations this weekend that showcased new and upcoming designers. he said, wryly, "no, she's taking a more low-key approach to developing her business." they broke up december 31, 2002. he looked sad talking about her. i felt bad for him. but at least i have a little more insight. it helps.

rhetorical question

am i ever going to have a first date where the guy doesn't talk about his ex and i don't end up pseudo-counselling him about their breakup? i need to stop online dating.

i had yet another first date tonight. it's this guy that, everytime i go back to my dating site, he messages me. so, we finally met. oh, was he ever cute! quite the talker too (that's a bit of a strike against him but he was really nice). and then, we were talking about parking tickets and speeding tickets and he managed to slip in something about his ex-gf, whom apparently he has been broken up with for...oh, a month and a half. oy. he talked about their relationship and how he knew it wouldn't work from the beginning but he went out with her anyway. it was an interesting dinner (yes, dinner and against MY better judgment). i was actually the one who started the "date wrap-up" talk (you know, "so, what are your plans for the rest of the night?" and looking at my watch) and he kept talking. he hugged me as a greeting and as a goodbye so i'm not sure if he likes me or not. we'll see, i guess.

the guy i went out with on wednesday, the one i wasn't sure whether he was into me at all, phoned me last night and left a message saying he had a lot of fun and he wanted to see me again. it's funny but if i had just judged him on his profile on the site and his two messages he's left me, i would never, ever have considered going out with him. but he's one of those people that you really just have to meet to "get". i'd definitely go out with him again, just because he's lived such an interesting life that i'd like to know more about him (although apparently, i could read his mom's book and read all about it). he's probably the only guy i've been out with that didn't mention another woman once during the entire conversation. what does that say? although, he didn't walk me to the skytrain - in fact, he asked me to wait with him at his bus stop. geesh, where is the chivalry??? at least the guy today offered to drive me to the skytrain. don't worry, i walked. he was cute though.

my OC and i had a very flirty day yesterday. we had this e-mail exchange that probably could've gone on forever. at one point, he said something about eating better because he was watching his figure. i said, "i've been watching your figure - you've trimmed down in the past year, haven't you?" he responded with, "no, but i would say the same to you." it was fun. today, he was grumpy. i don't think i said more than a few words to him. tomorrow is drinks after work for the Student's last day. i won't be able to go. friends whom i haven't seen since march are more important than some guy who only pays attention to me sometimes. :)

epiphany of sorts

there is no magic to online dating, i've finally discovered. i think the idealist-dreamer in me figured that as long as i had a profile up that asked for what i wanted in a guy and in a relationship, i would eventually meet someone who fulfilled my wish list. i'm finally starting to realize (i.e. it's starting to sink into the thick skull) that online dating is not the answer to my relationship woes. since i started online dating many, many moons ago, i've had several first dates. several. lots and lots. i've run out of appendages to count the number of first dates i've had. but i could probably count on one hand (the one with five fingers on it) how many second dates i've had. in five years. not many. so what's the deal?

i've done the whole "online dating is too clinical and methodical" -thing. then i embraced the fact that online dating is really "just another way to meet people". and now, i think i really need to get out at lunch and walk around and smile at people. seriously. i think it's the only thing i haven't tried.

when i really am thinking clearly and with normal levels of estrogen (and testosterone, for that matter), i would really like to be in a relationship now. i'd love to meet someone, fall in love, get married and have a couple of kids. and a dog. and a white picket fence (kidding). but at the same time, i really, honestly and truly believe that if i never find someone, i'll be okay with that. what's the saying? "a life without love is not a life but a love with no life is no love at all"? something like that. but it's true. i'd rather have a life with no love (i.e. romantic love) than a "romantic" love that was just there because you didn't know what else to do with it. i've been there and done that and it sucks. i've spent too much time in relationships that i was too scared to leave because i thought i'd never find anyone else. or that it was too comfortable to leave. or that i would just stick with it until i found someone else. so much time wasted, so much time spent trying to convince someone to love me when they didn't deserve the love i gave to them, so much time convincing myself that things would get better when i knew (not so deep down) that they would only get worse, so little time believing that i deserved better. so little. none, actually.

the idealist-dreamer me believes that there is someone "out there" for everyone. but the realist me knows that relationships are complicated and that i am still trying to carve out a place for myself in the world and perhaps i need to decide which one is more important to me. and, the guy for me might be living on the other side of the world and i may never meet him (which is why i need to travel more). of course, cynical me thinks that perhaps one of the several different guys that i have dated or been friends with or met but discounted, may have been The One, although at this time, i can't think of which one that might be.

i like to think that, outside my own life, i have heightened clarity of vision - that i can see life and the world around me from different perspectives and that i know that seeing things from multiple perspectives allows me to appreciate the complexities of people and life and situations. but it amazes me how difficult it is to step outside myself and sort out my own life. actually, i am able to step outside myself and assess my situation, life or what have you, from an all-points perspective (stop laughing). what i am not able to do is do anything about it. it's like i stand on the sidelines, watching myself make the same relationship mistakes over and over again and i'm helpless to do anything about it. i am emotionally unable to do anything about it. i hope too much. i dream too much. i'm too scared. i'm too emotional. i think too much. i don't take enough chances.

to condense a piece of writing by Nadine Stair (age 85) to really sum up what i hope to do with my life now, and not what i hope to do the next time around, "if i had to live my life over, i would take fewer things seriously, i would take more chances...i would perhaps have more actual troubles but i'd have fewer imaginary ones...."

here's hoping.

digging myself out of the hole

fuck. why do i let myself do this to...myself? i really do need professional help - not a matchmaker or a dating coach. i need counselling. i think i really do enjoy being miserable, pining after him. even Baby Man noticed that my OC was ignoring me at after-work drinks today. when i asked him for input, he said, "that's between the two of you." this from the guy who, two days ago said, "he's excited about his Canada-US relations conference but he doesn't have anyone to go with. why don't you go with him?" he was weird today - my OC, not Baby Man. did i mention that after the boardroom renos are finished, my OC's office will be even closer to my desk than it is now? when he walks down the hall towards his office, he'll see me. he'll have to take the route by my desk more often because now that route is closer to the library than his old office is. oy. thankfully, i won't be able to see him anymore from where i am. i think him going on holidays in a couple of weeks will be good for me. distance makes the heart grow fungus. i did say to my boss today, "do you realize that once renos are over, your office will be sandwiched in between the two loudest people in the office?" doors will need to be closed more often.

poor travis. poor, poor, cute little blonde technician travis. let's face it, benji did have a lot of personality but the celine dion show is basically contemporary choreography. it's mia that choreographs the show! i bet she'll hire travis anyway. she should. he's cuter. yes, i can say that i was happy for benji but i wasn't pleased with the results, overall. and now i can't wait until next year!

so, the guy i had such a good time with, that reminded me of MGF? the one that asked me if he could call me when he got back and we could go for a walk or dinner or something? he's been back a week and hasn't called or e-mailed. i knew it.

the guy i was 45 minutes late for - he cancelled thursday night. i'm hoping he just doesn't call...or rather, e-mail...again. no chemistry. none. fizzle.

one date scheduled next week for thursday. it's a guy that, everytime i go back on my dating site, he always sends me a message or a pre-fab "hello". always. this time around, i finally said, "you know, we say hello to eachother everytime i put a profile up but we've never met. let's bypass all of this and just go for a coffee." i gave him my number a few weeks ago and he finally called me the other night. next week it is. he's half-greek too. oy!

slippery slope

ok, so i'm not helping my cause. i haven't been paying much attention to my OC directly but admittedly, i did leave two animal crackers strategically placed in his office today. i couldn't stop myself, even in my own head.

i chose a sad looking panther and a picasso-esque elephant (they're store brand so they're not as detailed as the real animal crackers). i wasn't sure he'd like them because he likes the sweets. but about an hour after i left them and after he finally found them, he sent me an e-mail. he had written me an Animal Cracker Haiku. it is, by far, the cutest thing he's ever done. holy F:

"(I) eat elephant
Calorific confection;
Endangered delight."

square one. or two.

on a different note, i was on my dating site tonight and this guy IMs me. it's obvious that we've met before when he says, "hope you're doing well - i guess you're in your new condo now..." but his profile doesn't have a picture so i have no idea who it is. we chat for a bit and i ask him to send me a picture or tell me his name. he refuses and says that we went out for dinner a couple of months ago. i can only think of one guy that i met off the site that i went to dinner with but he's taller than this guy is (his height is posted on his profile). i'm about to start randomly giving out names and then he says, "to be honest, i'm insulted that you don't remember me. i remember you, even without a picture of you." after a few more little hints, i finally remembered who it was. i don't remember his name but i do remember that the first 20 minutes of our dinner was him talking about how much money he had. then, he talked about his ex for awhile (not surprisingly, she's filipino too). then, when i mentioned i was going to greece in a month, instead of doing what normal people do and ask about the trip, he said, "oh, my birth father lives in greece. i've never met him but i'm thinking of going there and surprising him...." and he continues on about his family history. and then, he doesn't call me (not that i wanted him to but his excuse was, "i figured you were busy."). and i'm supposed to remember him? i do remember him, but for all the wrong reasons. oy.

my lunch date yesterday... he was cute. and funny. and charming. and then, he asked if i was filipino (you know nothing good can ever come of this question). i said yes. he said, and i'm paraphrasing but it was basically like this: "my ex, you know - the one i lived with in coquitlam - is filipino. yeah, she had two girls - 11 and 13 - and when i moved in with them, i wanted to be like their dad but they wouldn't see me that way. my ex thought i was too strict and i told her that if they were my kids, i'd be even most strict..." it went on. and he went down a few points on my scale. despite the fact that he spent the whole lunch either staring at me or telling me how beautiful he thought i was, i am unsure about him. i should've started talking about my ex, just to see what he would say. in any event, he asked me what i was "looking for" and i said that i was just looking to meet new people, make new friends and see what heppens. nothing serious. i meant it.

am i ever going to meet anyone normal? or at least, someone that doesn't talk about their ex the first chance they get?

let me check my calendar

is it normal to be this busy? i mean, seriously, i've actually had to tell potential dates that i'm booked this week, how about next week? do people actually say that??? in any event, my date tonight wanted to reschedule to either tomorrow or thursday but i am busy on both nights. he also suggested friday night but i don't make plans with people i don't know very well on a friday night. let's face it - friday is the end of the week and i don't want to be spending it with someone who might not make it fun! terrible, i know.

just so you know, the guy that cancelled on me tonight is the one that, on our first date, started telling me about this civil claim in which he and his company are named as the defendants and then said, "i'm going to save myself some money and defend myself. depending on how things go with us, maybe you could help me out." huh? i basically tried to brush aside the whole thing by suggesting he bring a motion to have the matter dismissed and he said, "well, next time, let's go for dinner and i'll bring the file." ok, buddy. in any event, i agreed to go out with him again. girl's gotta eat, right? yet, his voicemail today was something to the effect of, "i'm sorry i have to reschedule so let's go somewhere that's more convenient for you. maybe the cactus club or the keg...or something cheaper. anyway, give me a call...." Oh, no he didn't! did he really say "something cheaper?" oy.

i was on MSN last night talking to a guy that i met on another site (Hi5 - bad idea). turned out to be older (36) and filipino (ugh). in any event, this guy that i had added to MSN from my dating site IM'd me (usually they don't after i haven't been online for weeks and weeks). we ended up chatting and i suggested we meet for coffee sometime next week (you know, because i'm booked this week). he agreed and i said something like, "coffee or lunch or something" and he said, "lunch tomorrow? sounds great!" he works 3 blocks from me so we were planning on meeting at 1 pm today. i signed off on MSN and then looked at my calendar and realized i had a birthday lunch today. so, instead of avoiding talking to him on the phone and just e-mailing him (as i am wont to do), i phoned him, apologized profusely for the mixup and we made a date for tomorrow at lunch instead. he had an accent of some sort - maybe russian? anyway, i have a lunch date for tomorrow.

thursday is with the guy that i was 45 minutes late for our date. not too thrilled about seeing him again. i hope he suggests a movie.

had a minor setback with my OC today. as per my usual MO, i stayed out of his way and ignored him when he wasn't speaking directly to me if we were in a group. he must sense a change because he's been taking the route past my desk much more frequently than usual and he's trying to catch my eye and smile at me when he does walk by. i was chatting at reception for the first time in the past couple of days, delivering candy for the ladies up front. they were both going, "mmmmmm. mmmmmm." in a rather inappropriate way and one of them said, "where did you get these? who gave them to you?" and my OC happened to walk down the hall towards us at that moment. they both looked at him and continued to "mmmmm" and one of them showed him the candy wrapper. he stopped and leaned on the counter and said, "huh. i haven't gotten a candy in awhile." we all chatted a bit about the candy and who it belonged to (i pointed at him and he said, "she holds it in trust."). he talked about his upcoming holidays and where he was going (not with whom, though). he hung out for much longer than he normally does and we walked away together. The Ghost came in to meet him for lunch today. i walked by my OC's office as he and Baby Man chatted about work and as i walked by, the Ghost was walking towards me. i smiled a big smile and said, "hey! how are you?" and with an equally big smile, he said, "good! how are you?" i didn't hang around to chat with him, although i should've.

i sent an e-mail to the OC that just said, "when are you leaving for holidays?" he answered, "as soon as possible. actually, it'll be the weekend after labour day." very, very surprising answer. he normally would've left it at "as soon as possible", just to drive me nuts. he never gives me a straight answer.

anyway, the day ended with me leaving at 5:15 (to make up for my 2 hour lunch!) and guess who gets on the elevator? we chatted on the way down about how he hasn't gotten any candy from me lately and i teased him about not taking his vitamins in a long time because otherwise, he would've found the chocolate i left him. we stood in the lobby for a bit longer, bantering mostly, and then we parted ways. i was stupid enough to listen to my Valentine's mix on myPod on the way home and by the time i got to my stop, my mental progress with Operation Forget OC had been seriously set back. oh well, back to square one. maybe square 2.

hey, notice my operation name is "OFOC". hee hee!

i'm getting there

it's a process. i had little interaction with the OC today. he walked by my desk in the late afternoon, looked back at me and smiled his little mischievous smile. that was about it. i didn't try to engage him in any conversation, didn't send him any e-mails and i stayed out of view (avoided walking by his office, didn't hover at reception, that sort of thing) for most of the day. i had to walk by his office to get to the coffee room this morning and he walked in shortly after i did. we got into a banter with another lawyer that was in there about coffee mugs going missing. i hovered for an appropriate length of time, mentioned that i coveted the coffee mug he chose to use today (it has Van Gogh's "Starry Night" on it) and then politely walked away from the conversation, leaving them to discuss the mood required in order to use the Van Gogh cup as opposed to the Lone Cowboy cup. baby steps :)

i still don't understand why he doesn't want to be friends with me!

(oh, get over it).

stop encouraging me

i had a little round-table discussion at lunch yesterday with some of the ladies at work about my OC. two of them were trying to convince me that he was really shy and i just had to be less subtle about what i wanted. my receptionist was also part of the discussion and she just kept giving me the, "don't you do it! don't go back!" look. later on, she said to me, "you know how i feel about this. leave it alone. you're in a good place now." i agreed. my Trainmate is the worst. apparently her husband and she worked together when they started dating. he's really shy and she said she chased him for a year and a half before he finally called her. she said sometimes he would seem like he was interested and other times, he acted like she wasn't alive (sound familiar???). stop encouraging me. stop giving me hopeful scenarios to hold onto. stop. because i want to stop.

i know i've said this before but i'm ready to take my profile down and give online dating a rest for the next little while. it's time consuming and hasn't yielded particularly strong potentials. i guess it's like that in the regular dating world too but maybe i'm just feeling tired. it's been sort of non-stop for me the past couple of weeks. if i haven't been out after work with an online date, it's been out with a visiting friend or out with workmates or at work or family parties and get togethers. i need some downtime!!! yet, i have one or two events coming up (my cousin's wedding in two weeks and a friend is visiting from NY at the end of next week), as well as three or four online potentials that i have yet to meet.

what's the saying? no rest for the wicked? :)

baby steps

i'm thinking of moving. desks, i mean. it's a bit difficult to "get over" my OC when he sits ten feet from me. when he prints to the printer that sits on my desk. when he walks by on his way to the conveyancers. when he stands and chats with my deskmate but not with me.

i've been feeling oversensitive the past couple of days. he was standing at the printer yesterday morning and he says to me that his office is getting carved up to make room for the new meeting rooms and we start talking about the renos that are supposed to be happening. T interjects and says something about being within throwing sight now and he physically turns around, leans on the wall surrounding my desk with his back completely to me (we are in mid-conversation) and starts talking to her instead. my Trainmate walks by at this time and give me a look so i say to her, at a good volume, "how rude is he? look at him with his back to me. thanks for including me in the conversation." she started laughing, mostly because he had no clue that i was talking about him right at him. i was so ticked, i haven't talked or looked at him since.

i don't understand why i have to feel this way. i know it's not happening; i know he's not as interested in me as i am in him; i know it would be awkward if it did happen and didn't work out; and at the risk of sounding, oh i don't know, confident, i know i'm too good to be putting up with this shit. yet i do. i melt when i see the blue eyes and that boyish grin. i internally fall all over myself when he stops to chat with me (which is hardly ever but he did on tuesday for no apparent reason, other than to tell me his weekend was crappy). fucking ass.

i went out on another first date last night. he was so much fun! very reminiscent of my Guy Friend. we didn't just talk about surface stuff; we talked about some serious personal issues (family and that sort of thing), much like my first date with MGF. he's off to his brother's wedding this weekend but he' said he'd call me when he got back. we sat and talked for two hours so i do hope he calls. in the meantime, i'm going out with someone else this weekend. :)

BTW, the calendar has been busy again. i'd like it to be less busy so i can spend some time at home but it doesn't look like it's happening anytime soon. and me with no money to actually go out. not good. not good at all. is it normal that my entire upcoming paycheque has been spent already, without any exaggeration? fucking strata. gadamn bank.

speaking of strata, these fucking people are driving me fucking nuts. what a bunch of whiners. if anyone needed a lecture about living in the present and working towards the future, it's these shitheads. get over the past, you political-wannabe, control-freaks, and start working together to make the strata a better place (who put on my rose coloured glasses?)!!!!!

hmm. still feeling a bit irritated by everything. is it a full moon or something?

what you know

i've set up my new 17" flat screen monitor. holy crap is the screen ever big.

i want to start writing again. not blogging but really writing. and yet, i don't know what i want to write about. they say, "write what you know," but is what i know interesting enough to write about?

i initially started this blog to get my creative writing juices flowing again. i also started it to see whether my journal, stream-of-consciousness, informal writing style would work as fiction and then i thought, "of course it works - it's called 'Bridget Jones' Diary'." :)

i initially thought of putting together all of my blog entries to make a book of some sort. but there needs to be a theme and there needs to be some sort of coherance. i'm not sure what the common thread in my entries is. relationships perhaps? i have lots of different relationships but the one i'm really aiming for is one that has alluded me for going on five years now. how many books about love and loss and reinvention have been written? does the world need another one?

i think i'm inspired by this giant screen. well, i was using a 13" monitor prior to this one so this one is giant.

surprises

i went on two online dates this week. i mean, i went on date with two guys i met online :)

first guy, i don't think i ever would have considered going out with but he was so charming (in his IM) that i couldn't say no, even though he's only 5'8". he was kinda cute in his picture and his profile was nice enough. i went into it basically thinking that i was expanding my horizons and it wouldn't go anywhere. i met him for coffee after work on monday and we chatted and peoplewatched for two hours - and it didn't feel awkward or anything. in fact, it was like i was with MGF - except not. he was so much fun to talk to. i really enjoyed myself. we sat most of the time, seeing as though i was wearing 3" heels. he's irish and had an ever-so-slight accent. it helped! i don't know that he'll call me again but if he did, i would go out with him again - no consideration needed. despite the height thing.

second guy, i didn't have too much interest in after he told me he had spent a month in the philippines this year with his minister father and a group from their congregation, preaching religion and health. something about that struck me as wrong but maybe that's just me. in any event, i was 45 minutes late for our date (although i did phone him 4 times in the process of getting to the restaurant) and had a helluva time finding parking in Kits at 7pm the night of the fireworks (whose brilliant idea was it to meet in kits for dinner on fireworks night???). although he said he didn't mind waiting, he was obviously annoyed when i finally arrived and he managed to slide in a slag or two during dinner about me being late. really, i apologized and phoned in advance. what more do you want? he walked me to my car and asked me to a movie. i agreed but i don't see this going anywhere. he just didn't hold my attention the way the other guy did.

there is a third, although we have not been out yet. he seems really nice (but you know how that always ends up!). i am looking forward to meeting him but i won't get my hopes up.

as MGF always says to me, "so many guys, so little time." actually, every once in awhile, i'll say something, and he'll say stuff like, "i never said that. it must've been one of the other dozen guys you see."

i've been having dreams about my OC this week. nothing erotic (damn!) but increasingly emotional. monday night, he was just in my dream. i don't even remember what he was doing. tuesday night, we were about to step out into the rain and he put his left arm around me (enveloped is a better description, actually) while his right hand held two umbrellas to cover us both. wednesday night, we were in some sort of vehicle. there was a girl (not very attractive but well put together) and he leaned over and kissed her hand. i woke up from this dream, feathers completely ruffled and out of place, thinking, "OMG, he's dating someone." i was really unsettled. hopefully, no dreams tonight. moving on?

on my favorite reality program - i really want travis to win but only because he's the cute blonde. ok, he's a fabulous dancer too. benji is cute in his own way and has loads of personality and i think he'll win. neither of the girls left have enough chutzpah to take on either of the guys. that mia michaels is brutal! i now remember why i didn't like her as a judge - she's probably the most honest, though.

i took the day off tomorrow for an extra-long weekend. i walked into my boss' office today to drop of something and to pick up something and he started to chat about holidays. so, we chatted for a bit about holidays and then work and his files and i was waiting for him to give me something to do or ask me to find something but he didn't. it was just purely chat. it was nice. he was in a good mood today, probably because he's off tomorrow too.

i want to start taking on more stuff - specifically, more billable stuff. i need the money and the shot of self-esteem! if i can draft this statement of claim that's been sitting in my in-tray for about a month or so reasonably well (limitation date isn't for another year and a half so i think i'm good), i think i'll be on my way to taking stuff away from my mentor and billing more hours - or any hours for that matter.

there was an article in the paralegal association mailout that discussed some proposed changes to paralegal responsibilities. some included being able to appear on small claims matters, criminal matters where there was no chance of the accused being taken into custody and certain family matters. while i think that's great, i don't think it will happen. after all, that stuff is where articling students and junior associates get their courtroom experience. i think there is a certain autonomy i'd like to achieve in my job as a paralegal but if i wanted the kind of responsbility that some paralegals are lobbying for, i would've gone to law school. i'd rather hide behind my lawyer (and their large insurance fund), thanks very much!