waterloo-woo-hoo!

i am writing from the st. jacob's inn in waterloo-woo-hoo! i left vancouver at 7am - dropped off my car at the park n fly and set off on my little adventure. the flight went fine - the in-flight movie was "Hitch" so it couldn't get much better than that (unless they showed "Batman Begins" - and Christian Bale was in the seat beside me. then it would've been sweet!). the food was bad but that's not a surprise. the hotel is nice but way the hell out of the way. i hope the outlet mall across the street makes up for the fact that, despite the fact i'm in a college town, i'm not seeing any cute college boys! i saw some when michelle came to take me for dinner - she took me on a tour of kitchener-waterloo and i had dinner at eastside mario's (now that i've done it, i don't need to do it again!). we had gelato on king street and went to the multicultural festival in victoria park. and it's only day one! we also toured the new building - it's huge. i really do work for a huge company. you just can't tell from my basement windows in vancouver. looking at the time on my computer, it's only 6:40 in vancouver but it's bedtime for me here. the office is only 10 minutes away so i could actually sleep in quite a bit. had i known this, i would've brought more hair care products - curling iron, etc - as i now have time to make myself up in the morning. i guess i'll just eat breakfast instead. i hate continental breakfasts. i even hate the name. they make it sound all important and foreign when it's really just stupid pastries. where are the eggs and sausages???

Waterloo, here I come!

Well, just when i think i'm ready to quit my job, they do something nice like send me on a business trip! Ok, it's not to the UK, which i was hoping for but i do get to check out the "campus" in Waterloo, Ontario. Waterloo-woo-hoo. I'll be gone from Sunday to Thursday - I'll probably have no time for myself to explore the Outlet Mall that is across the street from my hotel but what the hell, at least I'll be working in a real office for four days. And when I get back, it's a long weekend! There's a wild animal park that offers a safari that I'd like to check out but I'd have to leave early, early Sunday morning in order to do that. If that's what they book, then that's what I'll do but I'll likely get into Waterloo in the evening. Oh well, it is, after all, a bid-ness trip, right? I guess I can't quit just yet... :)

would you like some cheese with that whine?

i'm unhappy. i spent last thursday night and last saturday night relaying to anyone who would ask that i don't like my job. and i felt bad doing it - i mean, they were probably just trying to be polite by asking, "so, how's the new job going?" but i figure, if they're going to ask, they'd better be prepared for the answer!

it's not that i don't like the people - person - i work with. she's great - very patient and jovial, albeit a little unclear in giving instructions but that's just a matter of asking for clarification (four or five times). it's not that i don't like the company i work for - i've already received a couple of the "perks" that go along with working for a big company (movie tickets, free logo-embossed clothing, umpteen free lunches). but happiness is not free coffee and a paycheque. at least, for me it isn't.

i've been going over it a lot in my head since last thursday. am i just looking for something bigger and better because a friend of mine is going to law school and i think i should be going too? am i looking for acceptance, praise and security? i could go back to my old job for that. am i looking to utilize the knowledge and skills i've accumulated over the past two years because they're paid for so i should use them? or am i looking for the love boat - something exciting and new?

there's a small possibility that they could be opening up a proper, satellite office here. when i found that out, i thought, "okay, definitely staying on at least for another six months if this happens. i'll be able to work in a real office, meet real people, be involved in real office politics, go for real coffee breaks. excellent!" and then i remember that one of my wants was to get back to government - provincial or federal - and continue earning my much-sought-after pension. and i compared my company's benefits plan with the government's and the government's (medical and dental at least) is much better. i probably won't make as much money as i would in my present job (although, i'm not so sure about that) but i'd make enough and have my time off too. that's good, isn't it? until i remember my friend that is off to law school and think, "i can do that too" even though i don't have any real desire to practice law as a lawyer. or am i just scared of the responsiblity? hmmm... yikes. and then i think of my cousin who's living in san francisco and my friend who is moving to new york today and think, "i'm not tied down to anything here - boy, mortgage or kid - why not work elsewhere and live a little?"decisions, decisions.

i don't know why i can't just be happy with what i have, why i'm always looking for something better. they say that if you hear something enough, you start to believe it. people i used to work with would tell me that i deserved better, usually in reference to a boy i had a crush on but also referring to my entry-level position jobs. maybe it's a bad thing that an indecisive person like me begins to believe that i deserve better because i'll never be able to decide what "better" actually is.

back to the small picture - my current job. i'm seriously considering going back to my program coordinator, asking for a new practicum and pretending this one never happened. but it's my damned pride that gets in my way - the preservation of my reputation in the legal community is of utmost importance to me! i can't just quit after 6 weeks but i don't see how my issues with this job will ever be resolved, aside from by my contract ending. but can i last another 4 1/2 months doing nothing that involves my training or my brain???????

moments

on my drive into work this morning, i was listening to a CD that i made a couple of years ago called "you remind me" (referring, of course, to the Usher song of the same name). all the songs on the CD remind me of memorable moments or people in my life, either present or past. r. kelly's "i believe i can fly" came on and a really sweet and cool memory came back to me:

i was volunteering as a chaperone for my brother's grade 4 or 5 field trip - i don't even know where we went. we were on the school bus which was equipped with speakers. the bus driver, being the cool old guy that he was, had hooked up his portable CD player and was playing the "Space Jam" soundtrack as we drove. i remember that all the kids were chattering away and the adults were scattered around the bus to ensure that no one got out of hand. no one was really paying attention to the drive or the music that accompanied us. then, "i believe i can fly" came on. it starts of soft so you couldn't even tell it was playing. at the first round of the chorus, one ham in the class started singing at the top of his lungs - crazy 10 year old boys. at the second round of the chorus, a few more kids joined in - still just goofing off but with a little more feeling now. the final round of the chorus, when the gospel choir in the song joins in, the whole bus - teachers, bus driver and yours truly included - started singing. it sounds like nothing - just a single moment in time that wasn't even significant. but i still get goosebumps just thinking about it - it almost makes me cry.

i read somewhere once that life is made up of moments and i believe it. when i look back on my life (particularly now that it's only 8 days until my 29th birthday - my 30th year of being on this earth), all i can remember are moments. some more clear than others and others more memorable than some. i think when people talk about having a good life, they are talking about having a life of moments - moments to remember, whether good or bad. some moments are always in the short term memory and others are retrieved from the long term memory by a subtle reminder - like a song.

secrets

i found a blogsite that has a really interesting premise: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ . i'm thinking of sending my own postcard in, though which secret to reveal might take some deciding...

decisions, decisions

i went to a goodbye dinner for our regional crown, who has transferred to (shudder) Main St. it's actually a bad thing for us but a good thing for Vancouver - they might end up being half-way decent place to work under his leadership. and talk about fate - as i stood there, waiting for the elevator to get to the party, who walks into the building but dave - breakfast-jammer dave. he looked good but i looked better :). we chatted briefly on the elevator and he apologized again for skipping on our breakfast plans and once again, i told him it was fine. later that night, i was at the bar buying a drink and he pops up behind me and says, "are you buying me a beer?" so i did. it was a Heineken too. what a sucker, eh? even dea asked me later that night, "when are you going to stop torturing yourself?" i couldn't come up with a definite answer.

anyway, spending the evening with my old crown cronies made me miss my work there a lot - made me miss everyone even more. i joked that i was going to return to crown after my practicum because i wanted my pension! that's half right - i know that if i stick it out where i am long enough, i'll start to feel like a contributor soon enough but there are just so many things that i can't get over that it doesn't even seem worth it to stay beyond my committment. and so i don't think i will - that much is decided. what is not decided is where i'll go.

my biggest problem is that i'm always looking a little further ahead to see if i can get something better - hence, my problem. i would be perfectly happy going back to work for government but at the same time, i'd wonder what i was missing in private practice - would i be missing more money, prestige, recognition, love? i have a quote on my ever-changing yahoo page from ben stein that says: The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want. sounds simple but it isn't. what do i want?

i was all bent out of shape last night. a friend of mine has just gotten accepted into law school and i'm thrilled for her. but at the same time, i'm a little green because that could've been me. and i was even more green when my favourite boss of all time, who is now a very Honourable Judge of the Provincial Court of BC, came up to her and started chatting to her about what law school would be like. he was telling her about how she should look forward to reading the decisions of a very controversial but brilliant English Justice that wrote decisions in the 1950s and 60s that just don't get the same recognition as they used to. he couldn't remember the name and neither could she but as he talked about him, i piped up and said, "is that Lord Denning?" much to my chagrin, he didn't hear me but she did and she said, "is it Lord Denning?" i was a bit cheesed because he said, "yes! denning, that's right. brilliant writer." steal my thunder! i stole it back when they were having a discussion about who owns police notebooks - the police or the officer? she thought that the RCMP did because the notes were taken in the course of their employment. he thought that it was the officer because it was their thoughts on the paper. i piped up and said, "well, from an intellectual property standpoint, it's the officer because it's their intellectual property on the paper." he said, "hey, that's a good point!" i was glowing :)

anyway, i've had my accolades given to me (is that right?) - i've done my school and people have thrown me parties and congratulated me for my courage to leave my comfort zone and branch off to new territories. but i can't help but think of how thrilled some people would be if i got into law school - more than one of the crown i've worked with have tried to sway me and quite successfully as the idea is still sitting in the back of my mind. i always say to give me time to rest - 24 years straight of going to school is a bit much. maybe in two or three years? or one!

one thing's for sure - i need to move!

the older i get, the more i cry

is that the way it is with everyone? when i was in my early 20s, the only time i would ever cry was when ... well, almost never. sure, i cried when my boyfriend made me mad or when i would have an argument with my mom. but over TV commercials and movies - never! now that i'm reaching my 30s, it's not that way anymore.

i watched the movie "The Notebook" the other weekend. the story is a heart-wrencher anyway but the first time i saw it in the theatre last year, my eyes remained dry throughout the entire flick. even the ending to one of the stories didn't tug at my rusty-ol' heartstrings. my teenage cousin, who cried almost from the beginning, turned to me as the lights went up and looked at me with her red, puffy eyes and said, "you are a robot!" but i did love the movie and so i bought it for my collection. i'm very glad that i watched it while i was alone and housesitting a couple of weeks ago because i cried like a baby with colic - i could barely control myself. by the end of the movie, i wasn't fit to be seen and i had a headache from all the crying. can you believe that?

it's not limited to movies, either. a touching (but cheesy) moment on prime-time TV has been known to start the waterworks in me of late. picking out a birthday card for a good friend sometimes does it. heck, i cry in the car if i sing along to a particularly sappy song. i've had many strange looks from other people driving alongside me. is it PMS or am i losing what's left of the marbles?

perhaps it is because i have more experiences to draw from now - when i was 20, i had one and half boyfriends in my past to draw any kind of emotional response from. now, i have had several successful failures of relationships to be able to relate to any given movie, love song or the like. perhaps with age comes maturity and with maturity comes a more heightened sense of loss and sorrow. or perhaps i'm just feeling a little melancholy.

naw! i think i'm a sap at heart - it's just the tough, crabby exterior that protects my oversized, ultra-sensitive heart from getting trampled on. perhaps this is why i have such trouble connecting with people on a sub-surface level?