it is almost labour day, and Sam and I are still dating. admittedly, up until about two weeks ago, i was still on high-alert and questioning whether he was going to continue to call me. i no longer question that, but i still question whether he's seeing other people. i know i could just ask, and i probably should (after three months - good lord), but i can't. i know that's stupid.
in the meantime, i'm just going to continue to enjoy his company and spend time with him. the future is there and it's not static. if he's meant to be there, he'll find a way.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
lesson #7
my 37th birthday is now three weeks behind me (seems like longer!) and i'm sitting here trying to figure out what this year's life lesson is. and i think i have it: slow the frack down and stop over-thinking. you don't actually experience anything, good or bad, if all you're doing is thinking about what could go wrong.
someone please remind me of this every 10 days.
someone please remind me of this every 10 days.
Sunday, July 07, 2013
smitten kitten
i'm sure i've used that title before, but it's appropriate to use again now. and of course, i only write now because i'm wallowing in disappointment.
i met this guy on a dating website (of course - not possible for me to meet someone in real life!). his first message to me was two or three paragraphs of seeming-nonsense that most days, i wouldn't bother answering. in fact, i did ignore it. there were no questions to answer and it was such jibber-jabber (mostly taking what i had written, agreeing with it and sharing his own rather disjointed thoughts about it), that i left it alone for about a week.
because of my recent belief that i should always at least answer emails sent to me with the same level of effort that was made (you wouldn't ignore someone who said "hi" to you on the street, would you?), i decided to finally answer him. i ended up thanking him for the message but admitted that there wasn't much more i could say because the message didn't really have anything concrete to respond to. that started off a series of emails that were more in my realm of normal. about a month after his initial email, we met for a coffee after work.
my initial impressions - nice guy, normal, cute, thoughtful (in a cerebral way, at least until i get to know him better, then i might be able to say also in gesture), happily employed. i'd definitely see this guy again. wasn't sure if he would contact me again, just because the first coffee is usually where it ends with me, but i guess i made some sort of impression because he messaged me again.
i've seen him about four times now, all after-work get togethers, which make for somewhat less casual dates. i don't know - they seem less date-like and more friend-like, which i guess is his intention.
he told me after our second date that he wasn't really looking for anything serious right now. he's separated and has a young child that he shares custody of. at that point, i was cool with that. i had two or three other prospects, also just casual without any formality, so i was excited to just be in the "dating world" and not worry about where the given relationship was going and what to expect next.
but you know my brain (and more importantly, my heart). it doesn't do casual. already, my two other prospects have taken a backseat to this guy (let's call him Sam). i am trying to continue with the casual dating/meeting people thing (i have a blind date tomorrow, for example....in Seattle), but my mind keeps flitting back to Sam. had i really thought about what i was getting into, i never would have continued seeing him. separated less than a year is not the same as divorced. the emotions are still there. he cancelled our date today because his wife (because legally, she still is!) was really sick and so he was keeping his kid for an extra day. i can't help thinking that he should just go over there and take care of her because that's his wife, that's his kid's mother and regardless of where his feelings are (or hers; i'm not sure who ended it), they are, and will always be, a family.
muddy, muddy waters i have my toes dipped in. and yet, i am smitten. when he texted me to cancel (i know; but it's the 2010s and that's how people do it now), my heart got a wee bit heavier. i was really looking forward to a "weekend" date (as opposed to our three-hour chat-a-thons over dinner after work) and for the second weekend in a row, it was usurped by family (last weekend, his brother got taken to the ER with internal bleeding. I gave him a pass on that one too).
admittedly, i feel like i have held back on him and that i am not as flirty-flirty as i would really like to be. i am acting like a friend. he always gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek as a greeting and goodbye. i hug back but i don't kiss him. but i want to. and i know that if i did act like i want to, it would turn up the heat on our interaction, but then what? it won't change his mind about being casual but it would dig me in deeper.
i know i have to pull back and find someone else (or maybe 2) to take my mind off Sam, at least partially. again, you know how i am and i could easily let myself fall into that pit. i was getting that way a couple of weeks ago but i managed to mentally slap myself until i was reasonable again. all it takes is one weak moment for me and i could descend into that relationship-limbo darkness where i love to wallow and do the backstroke.
don't do it, CG. it will be your ruin! the best part about all of this though is that love songs finally mean something again :) thank you, adam levine, for "love somebody".
i met this guy on a dating website (of course - not possible for me to meet someone in real life!). his first message to me was two or three paragraphs of seeming-nonsense that most days, i wouldn't bother answering. in fact, i did ignore it. there were no questions to answer and it was such jibber-jabber (mostly taking what i had written, agreeing with it and sharing his own rather disjointed thoughts about it), that i left it alone for about a week.
because of my recent belief that i should always at least answer emails sent to me with the same level of effort that was made (you wouldn't ignore someone who said "hi" to you on the street, would you?), i decided to finally answer him. i ended up thanking him for the message but admitted that there wasn't much more i could say because the message didn't really have anything concrete to respond to. that started off a series of emails that were more in my realm of normal. about a month after his initial email, we met for a coffee after work.
my initial impressions - nice guy, normal, cute, thoughtful (in a cerebral way, at least until i get to know him better, then i might be able to say also in gesture), happily employed. i'd definitely see this guy again. wasn't sure if he would contact me again, just because the first coffee is usually where it ends with me, but i guess i made some sort of impression because he messaged me again.
i've seen him about four times now, all after-work get togethers, which make for somewhat less casual dates. i don't know - they seem less date-like and more friend-like, which i guess is his intention.
he told me after our second date that he wasn't really looking for anything serious right now. he's separated and has a young child that he shares custody of. at that point, i was cool with that. i had two or three other prospects, also just casual without any formality, so i was excited to just be in the "dating world" and not worry about where the given relationship was going and what to expect next.
but you know my brain (and more importantly, my heart). it doesn't do casual. already, my two other prospects have taken a backseat to this guy (let's call him Sam). i am trying to continue with the casual dating/meeting people thing (i have a blind date tomorrow, for example....in Seattle), but my mind keeps flitting back to Sam. had i really thought about what i was getting into, i never would have continued seeing him. separated less than a year is not the same as divorced. the emotions are still there. he cancelled our date today because his wife (because legally, she still is!) was really sick and so he was keeping his kid for an extra day. i can't help thinking that he should just go over there and take care of her because that's his wife, that's his kid's mother and regardless of where his feelings are (or hers; i'm not sure who ended it), they are, and will always be, a family.
muddy, muddy waters i have my toes dipped in. and yet, i am smitten. when he texted me to cancel (i know; but it's the 2010s and that's how people do it now), my heart got a wee bit heavier. i was really looking forward to a "weekend" date (as opposed to our three-hour chat-a-thons over dinner after work) and for the second weekend in a row, it was usurped by family (last weekend, his brother got taken to the ER with internal bleeding. I gave him a pass on that one too).
admittedly, i feel like i have held back on him and that i am not as flirty-flirty as i would really like to be. i am acting like a friend. he always gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek as a greeting and goodbye. i hug back but i don't kiss him. but i want to. and i know that if i did act like i want to, it would turn up the heat on our interaction, but then what? it won't change his mind about being casual but it would dig me in deeper.
i know i have to pull back and find someone else (or maybe 2) to take my mind off Sam, at least partially. again, you know how i am and i could easily let myself fall into that pit. i was getting that way a couple of weeks ago but i managed to mentally slap myself until i was reasonable again. all it takes is one weak moment for me and i could descend into that relationship-limbo darkness where i love to wallow and do the backstroke.
don't do it, CG. it will be your ruin! the best part about all of this though is that love songs finally mean something again :) thank you, adam levine, for "love somebody".
Saturday, March 09, 2013
/Crush
my brother says that a "/" followed by a word means the word has
"ended". ergo, my blog title means that i am over my crush on Bertrand. or rather, i am over the silly notion that he and i could
actually be a couple.
i was going to ask him out - seriously. and i was going to wait until holy thursday. why? because then i would have four days to get over any kind of humiliation i may have felt before i had to see him again. i know it's not right to basically have made room for my failure, but hope for the best and prepare for the worse, right?
i am not discounting my gut feeling that he is in some way attracted to me. i am merely admitting that perhaps it is one of those innocuous crushes that only pops up when we have a meaningful interaction. that he flirts with me only because he thinks it is fun to flirt with me, but there are no other feelings involved.
i popped into his office at the end of the day yesterday. no one was around to stay for drinks and i really just wanted to chat for a bit. so i poked my head in and said, "hey! what are you doing?" and he said, "oh, just finishing up and then i'm going to meet Isis for a drink." not a big deal - Isis is a friend of mine too and i knew they had been trying to get together for a catch-up drink for weeks but haven't gotten around to it. but it was something in the way he said it or perhaps his body language that told me it was a bit of a shut-down - as in, "no, i'm not willing to spend any time with you today." nothing that harsh, of course, but it was something i couldn't put my finger on. so, i quickly covered up my true intentions (because of course, time with him was exactly what i had popped in for) and said, "anyway, have you talked to Mon lately? we were just talking about her today and i thought maybe you might've seen her recently." and he updated me briefly on his lack of news on her and then i wished him a good evening.
and like that, it was over. the bubble burst and that small hope i had that was sheltered in that bubble drifted back to the earth where it belonged. i'm not sorry that it's been grounded because there were too many big obstacles that i wasn't sure i'd be able to get over.
i'm not going to stop chatting with him when i can or being friendly. but i think somehow my window to be work friends with him closed when i was too busy pretending like i didn't care. like i was standoffish for too long and now trying to be friends seems forced and inorganic (which frankly, it is).
perhaps another lesson to tuck away in my already bulging file labeled, "you can't get hurt if you're aloof."
i was going to ask him out - seriously. and i was going to wait until holy thursday. why? because then i would have four days to get over any kind of humiliation i may have felt before i had to see him again. i know it's not right to basically have made room for my failure, but hope for the best and prepare for the worse, right?
i am not discounting my gut feeling that he is in some way attracted to me. i am merely admitting that perhaps it is one of those innocuous crushes that only pops up when we have a meaningful interaction. that he flirts with me only because he thinks it is fun to flirt with me, but there are no other feelings involved.
i popped into his office at the end of the day yesterday. no one was around to stay for drinks and i really just wanted to chat for a bit. so i poked my head in and said, "hey! what are you doing?" and he said, "oh, just finishing up and then i'm going to meet Isis for a drink." not a big deal - Isis is a friend of mine too and i knew they had been trying to get together for a catch-up drink for weeks but haven't gotten around to it. but it was something in the way he said it or perhaps his body language that told me it was a bit of a shut-down - as in, "no, i'm not willing to spend any time with you today." nothing that harsh, of course, but it was something i couldn't put my finger on. so, i quickly covered up my true intentions (because of course, time with him was exactly what i had popped in for) and said, "anyway, have you talked to Mon lately? we were just talking about her today and i thought maybe you might've seen her recently." and he updated me briefly on his lack of news on her and then i wished him a good evening.
and like that, it was over. the bubble burst and that small hope i had that was sheltered in that bubble drifted back to the earth where it belonged. i'm not sorry that it's been grounded because there were too many big obstacles that i wasn't sure i'd be able to get over.
i'm not going to stop chatting with him when i can or being friendly. but i think somehow my window to be work friends with him closed when i was too busy pretending like i didn't care. like i was standoffish for too long and now trying to be friends seems forced and inorganic (which frankly, it is).
perhaps another lesson to tuck away in my already bulging file labeled, "you can't get hurt if you're aloof."
Thursday, February 07, 2013
flashback
i don't always remember what i dream about. in fact, i normally never remember. but in the past week, i've remembered specifics of each dream i had just before i woke up.
in one dream, i was undercover for some sort of secret operative and i was trying to get away from people that were chasing me, and i took cover in a flash mob of dancers on a football field somewhere in the Ridge. as i gangnam styled my way through the throng of people, i heard my pursuers yelling after me, but they were calling me by a co-worker's name. "Yo! You can run from us but you can't hide, Yo!" i made it to the street where my boss happened to be driving by, and he picked me up and took me to his house. i remember his house was much different than what it was the last time i was there. in fact, it wasn't really a house at all.
instead of the split-level house i knew, it was a sprawling rancher that was part house, part cafe. as i walked through the cafe, all of these people i used to work with at my government job were there, having tea and visiting.
in another dream, i was enjoying a good cuddle with an ex-boyfriend. not the one i still keep in touch with, but the one that was too chicken to break up with me in person after two years together, so he just stopped phoning me.
in the third remembered dream, i was trying to get rid of old stuff (furniture, clothes, household items) but i re-discovered an old desk that came in two parts, so i wanted to keep it. so, i moved it back into our old family house in Poco - and Bertrand was the one moving it for me.
i was thinking about what the dreams had in common and i realized that they all had elements of my past mingled with my present. and if dreams are the subconscious, then what is my subconscious trying to tell me?
let me segue into another story - i just had a team meeting with my boss and two new members of our group on tuesday. the two bosses explained to Yo and i how our work was going to be split and what was going to happen with the assistant that had been working with me. essentially, i was now going to handle all aspects of our files, like i always wanted. now i had complete control over what happened and i would know if a phone call was made or if a letter was sent out. it is all in my hands and i've said all along that this is the best way to handle these files.
when i asked my boss what was going to happen to our assistant when she came back from leave, he basically said that she'd be working with other teams at the office because there was still lots of work to go around. as harsh as that might sound, it all made sense. i was finally getting what i'd wanted for years.
but something niggled at me. and it's still niggling at me. and after the dreams i've had since that meeting, i know what it is - my past co-mingling with my future? it's obvious, isn't it? i feel like i'm taking a step backwards.
when i started this job, i ran the files. but the workload became too heavy and i needed help so they hired an assistant. seven and a half years later, i've come full circle. and now it makes me wonder whether it's time to start again somewhere new.
i always said that after five years, i was going to start looking again because if i got to ten years in one place, i'd never leave. i'm coming upon my eighth year with the company. is that a bad thing? i don't think so. am i unhappy? not really.
but i've seen so many people leave (or be politely asked to leave) and they move on to other places and seem happier and get paid better. i hear my co-workers complaining about how their work lives are being affected now that new management has come in and things are not the way they were 2 years ago when everything was rosy with everyone. all of that negative stuff rubs off on me and i start to question whether or not i'm really happy.
on the one hand, i have great autonomy in my job and a lot of respect from all the right people. as i've proven already, more money doesn't mean i'm going to be padding my savings or taking big trips around the world. it just means i'm going to spend more money on more stupid things, and probably more frequently. and i know my job, do it well and people rely on me everyday to make their lives easier just because i'm there, being a team player. i'm insulated from most work drama because i have a boss that i can talk with to help smooth out any rough patches or adversity that i come across with management. i have power (not a lot, but enough).
on the other hand, i haven't been challenged with my work in years. i go back to school to keep my brain sharp because it doesn't happen at work. it's so routine that i make stupid mistakes because i don't pay as much attention as i should. i still don't have an office, even though i've been asking for one for the past five years. management is not what it should be and i think i could do a much better job if i knew how to run an office. everyone is unhappy and their unhappiness makes me unhappy.
when is it time to go? i joke that my working relationship with my boss is like every other relationship i've had with a man - i'm too loyal, i can't see his faults (or i overlook them and make excuses) and i stay with him longer than i ever should. when i'm finally ready to leave him, i'll leave.
the market is good right now for people like me - i could probably get a pretty good job for more pay at a bigger company and not look back. but that's the problem - if the fit isn't good with a new company or i don't like the job and i dread going to work everyday, have i really moved forward? or am i just biding my time until i can safely move on without looking like i've quit before really giving it a chance? and then what? job-hop until i find another good fit? i have a good fit now - why would i mess with that?
so many questions, so many answers that lead to more questions. i guess i'll know when i know.
in one dream, i was undercover for some sort of secret operative and i was trying to get away from people that were chasing me, and i took cover in a flash mob of dancers on a football field somewhere in the Ridge. as i gangnam styled my way through the throng of people, i heard my pursuers yelling after me, but they were calling me by a co-worker's name. "Yo! You can run from us but you can't hide, Yo!" i made it to the street where my boss happened to be driving by, and he picked me up and took me to his house. i remember his house was much different than what it was the last time i was there. in fact, it wasn't really a house at all.
instead of the split-level house i knew, it was a sprawling rancher that was part house, part cafe. as i walked through the cafe, all of these people i used to work with at my government job were there, having tea and visiting.
in another dream, i was enjoying a good cuddle with an ex-boyfriend. not the one i still keep in touch with, but the one that was too chicken to break up with me in person after two years together, so he just stopped phoning me.
in the third remembered dream, i was trying to get rid of old stuff (furniture, clothes, household items) but i re-discovered an old desk that came in two parts, so i wanted to keep it. so, i moved it back into our old family house in Poco - and Bertrand was the one moving it for me.
i was thinking about what the dreams had in common and i realized that they all had elements of my past mingled with my present. and if dreams are the subconscious, then what is my subconscious trying to tell me?
let me segue into another story - i just had a team meeting with my boss and two new members of our group on tuesday. the two bosses explained to Yo and i how our work was going to be split and what was going to happen with the assistant that had been working with me. essentially, i was now going to handle all aspects of our files, like i always wanted. now i had complete control over what happened and i would know if a phone call was made or if a letter was sent out. it is all in my hands and i've said all along that this is the best way to handle these files.
when i asked my boss what was going to happen to our assistant when she came back from leave, he basically said that she'd be working with other teams at the office because there was still lots of work to go around. as harsh as that might sound, it all made sense. i was finally getting what i'd wanted for years.
but something niggled at me. and it's still niggling at me. and after the dreams i've had since that meeting, i know what it is - my past co-mingling with my future? it's obvious, isn't it? i feel like i'm taking a step backwards.
when i started this job, i ran the files. but the workload became too heavy and i needed help so they hired an assistant. seven and a half years later, i've come full circle. and now it makes me wonder whether it's time to start again somewhere new.
i always said that after five years, i was going to start looking again because if i got to ten years in one place, i'd never leave. i'm coming upon my eighth year with the company. is that a bad thing? i don't think so. am i unhappy? not really.
but i've seen so many people leave (or be politely asked to leave) and they move on to other places and seem happier and get paid better. i hear my co-workers complaining about how their work lives are being affected now that new management has come in and things are not the way they were 2 years ago when everything was rosy with everyone. all of that negative stuff rubs off on me and i start to question whether or not i'm really happy.
on the one hand, i have great autonomy in my job and a lot of respect from all the right people. as i've proven already, more money doesn't mean i'm going to be padding my savings or taking big trips around the world. it just means i'm going to spend more money on more stupid things, and probably more frequently. and i know my job, do it well and people rely on me everyday to make their lives easier just because i'm there, being a team player. i'm insulated from most work drama because i have a boss that i can talk with to help smooth out any rough patches or adversity that i come across with management. i have power (not a lot, but enough).
on the other hand, i haven't been challenged with my work in years. i go back to school to keep my brain sharp because it doesn't happen at work. it's so routine that i make stupid mistakes because i don't pay as much attention as i should. i still don't have an office, even though i've been asking for one for the past five years. management is not what it should be and i think i could do a much better job if i knew how to run an office. everyone is unhappy and their unhappiness makes me unhappy.
when is it time to go? i joke that my working relationship with my boss is like every other relationship i've had with a man - i'm too loyal, i can't see his faults (or i overlook them and make excuses) and i stay with him longer than i ever should. when i'm finally ready to leave him, i'll leave.
the market is good right now for people like me - i could probably get a pretty good job for more pay at a bigger company and not look back. but that's the problem - if the fit isn't good with a new company or i don't like the job and i dread going to work everyday, have i really moved forward? or am i just biding my time until i can safely move on without looking like i've quit before really giving it a chance? and then what? job-hop until i find another good fit? i have a good fit now - why would i mess with that?
so many questions, so many answers that lead to more questions. i guess i'll know when i know.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
sloth
i sit here, at my desktop computer, surrounded by paper and paper and more paper. paper that needs to be filed; paper that needs to be recycled. paper that i probably won't ever look at again and yet somehow, i still think i need it around.
one of those papers is a crafty project idea that i cut out of the daily paper. it's how to make a silhouette image of your pet and hang it up. i have the dogs' photos ready to go. i don't even need to print them out in color - i just need to print them out and trace them onto black construction paper and stick them in frames. voila! have i done it? no. maybe at Christmas when i have more than just the weekend.
when i look out into my dining area, i see my laptop and the binder full of my workshop material that i really, really, really must take notes on so that i don't feel like a complete fraud when i lead a legal writing workshop (for junior associates and support staff) in less than three weeks.
i heard the dryer buzzer go off an hour ago, knowing full well there is another load to go in once that one is done.
i some how can't convince myself to do anything productive today. i am still in my lounging clothes. i figure i'll take a shower when i can't put it off any longer. i don't want to feel dirty and gross when i meet the girls for dinner tonight.
i suppose it's because i know i have an extra day to do my usual stuff that i feel like i can completely sloth out today. i don't even want to watch TV. i just want to sit and surf endlessly on the internet. write emails to far-away friends? work on my script for the promo video? read one of the dozens of books that sit dusty on my bookshelf? exercise?
later, i want to read this other article about selena gomez and justin bieber's breakup.
one of those papers is a crafty project idea that i cut out of the daily paper. it's how to make a silhouette image of your pet and hang it up. i have the dogs' photos ready to go. i don't even need to print them out in color - i just need to print them out and trace them onto black construction paper and stick them in frames. voila! have i done it? no. maybe at Christmas when i have more than just the weekend.
when i look out into my dining area, i see my laptop and the binder full of my workshop material that i really, really, really must take notes on so that i don't feel like a complete fraud when i lead a legal writing workshop (for junior associates and support staff) in less than three weeks.
i heard the dryer buzzer go off an hour ago, knowing full well there is another load to go in once that one is done.
i some how can't convince myself to do anything productive today. i am still in my lounging clothes. i figure i'll take a shower when i can't put it off any longer. i don't want to feel dirty and gross when i meet the girls for dinner tonight.
i suppose it's because i know i have an extra day to do my usual stuff that i feel like i can completely sloth out today. i don't even want to watch TV. i just want to sit and surf endlessly on the internet. write emails to far-away friends? work on my script for the promo video? read one of the dozens of books that sit dusty on my bookshelf? exercise?
later, i want to read this other article about selena gomez and justin bieber's breakup.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
mirror
God help me but I was watching "Tough Love Miami" this morning, after discovering that I have way more cable channels than I initially thought (I've only had digital TV for the past 8 months). Normally, I don't like reality "dating" shows (The Bachelor/ette, Love in the Wild, I can't even name anymore because I don't know what they are) because they pit men or women up against each other to vie for one person's attention. It usually leads to dramatics and crazy antics of each contestant to get the attention of their besotted.
Tough Love Miami is a dating show, but from what I can tell, no one gets voted off and there is no date-swapping. Each woman gets matched with a guy by a professional matchmaker, and they go on date after date with the same guy. After each date, the guy is interviewed about how he thought the date went and each woman is grilled on what they did wrong or praised for what they did corretly. The matchmaker also gives the woman assignments and pointers on what to do or say on the date (essentially, teaching them how to date properly). I like this idea, because it gives each woman the opportunity to make themselves better. Don't get me wrong - there was a lot of drama on the one-hour episode I just watched, but it all stems from the women themselves, what baggage they bring to the table and how they choose to deal with it.
Anyway, this post isn't about the show itself, but what the matchmaker said to one woman on the show that got me thinking (and hence, got me writing). He accused one woman for calling everyone's bullshit but not owning up to her own. Bravo, Matchmaker Steve, I thought.
My thought process then graduated to how closed-minded some people were and how I always tried to be open minded and non-judgmental. And then I laughed internally and thought, "Well, I am judgmental, but I know it. I could stop being judgmental whenever I want to." I reasoned with myself that I only think judgmental thoughst, but I don't say them out loud. Some people might say that's good - that as long as you don't say it and poison the atmosphere with your negativity, that's good for the world.
Then I wondered if saying something aloud that was not nice or mean or negative was bad for the Universe as a whole (if you subscribe do that way of thinking, as I do), then how much worse is it to keep those negative thoughts and emotions inside, effectively poisoning you from the inside and holding it there?
I'm not advocating speaking negatively so that you can keep yourself pure. On the contrary, I am questioning why...WHY?...I feel the need to be negative and/or judgmental about other people.
Yes, sometimes it just feels good to complain. Sometimes, it just feels good to pick apart someone's carefully (or not so carefully) pieced-together facade so I can feel (or think I feel) better about myself.
That brought me to another saying, that basically says that what you see negatively about other people is really what you see negatively about yourself. That your own insecurities are mirrored in what you criticize in other people.
And then it hit me, the cold, hard reality - I always criticize people for not being open-minded and accepting. For not recognizing their faults and either fixing them or accepting them for what they are. For trying to be someone they are not. For putting too much stock in other peoples' opinions and not accepting their own as valid and most important.
I remember how I felt the day after my 30th birthday as clearly as if it were this morning - I looked in the mirror and felt more wise and knowing than I had ever felt. A whole world of knowledge opened up to me in that one moment and I felt like I finally understood the secrets of the world. Six years later and I look back at that 30 year old me and think, "Good lord, you know nothing still!"
I feel today, right now, that I will never stop learning, never stop growing, never stop evolving as a person. If I ever I feel that I do, remind me to look back on this entry to remind myself that I am being foolish. Socrates was spot on when he opined that the only true wisdom is knowing that you know nothing.
If I may bastardize the words of another historical figure, if self-awareness be the education of life, then learn on!
Tough Love Miami is a dating show, but from what I can tell, no one gets voted off and there is no date-swapping. Each woman gets matched with a guy by a professional matchmaker, and they go on date after date with the same guy. After each date, the guy is interviewed about how he thought the date went and each woman is grilled on what they did wrong or praised for what they did corretly. The matchmaker also gives the woman assignments and pointers on what to do or say on the date (essentially, teaching them how to date properly). I like this idea, because it gives each woman the opportunity to make themselves better. Don't get me wrong - there was a lot of drama on the one-hour episode I just watched, but it all stems from the women themselves, what baggage they bring to the table and how they choose to deal with it.
Anyway, this post isn't about the show itself, but what the matchmaker said to one woman on the show that got me thinking (and hence, got me writing). He accused one woman for calling everyone's bullshit but not owning up to her own. Bravo, Matchmaker Steve, I thought.
My thought process then graduated to how closed-minded some people were and how I always tried to be open minded and non-judgmental. And then I laughed internally and thought, "Well, I am judgmental, but I know it. I could stop being judgmental whenever I want to." I reasoned with myself that I only think judgmental thoughst, but I don't say them out loud. Some people might say that's good - that as long as you don't say it and poison the atmosphere with your negativity, that's good for the world.
Then I wondered if saying something aloud that was not nice or mean or negative was bad for the Universe as a whole (if you subscribe do that way of thinking, as I do), then how much worse is it to keep those negative thoughts and emotions inside, effectively poisoning you from the inside and holding it there?
I'm not advocating speaking negatively so that you can keep yourself pure. On the contrary, I am questioning why...WHY?...I feel the need to be negative and/or judgmental about other people.
Yes, sometimes it just feels good to complain. Sometimes, it just feels good to pick apart someone's carefully (or not so carefully) pieced-together facade so I can feel (or think I feel) better about myself.
That brought me to another saying, that basically says that what you see negatively about other people is really what you see negatively about yourself. That your own insecurities are mirrored in what you criticize in other people.
And then it hit me, the cold, hard reality - I always criticize people for not being open-minded and accepting. For not recognizing their faults and either fixing them or accepting them for what they are. For trying to be someone they are not. For putting too much stock in other peoples' opinions and not accepting their own as valid and most important.
I remember how I felt the day after my 30th birthday as clearly as if it were this morning - I looked in the mirror and felt more wise and knowing than I had ever felt. A whole world of knowledge opened up to me in that one moment and I felt like I finally understood the secrets of the world. Six years later and I look back at that 30 year old me and think, "Good lord, you know nothing still!"
I feel today, right now, that I will never stop learning, never stop growing, never stop evolving as a person. If I ever I feel that I do, remind me to look back on this entry to remind myself that I am being foolish. Socrates was spot on when he opined that the only true wisdom is knowing that you know nothing.
If I may bastardize the words of another historical figure, if self-awareness be the education of life, then learn on!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
less
i turned off my desktop computer this morning. not because i decided that the laptop was the way to go but more because i wanted to not be on the computer all day. why, you wonder?
i'd like to say it's because i wanted to spend more quality time with my dogs. or i'd like to say that i wanted to try to wean myself off social media by not being online and in front of the computer for 80% of my weekends. and i could say those two things - to a point.
the reason i wanted to be off my computer is so i could rest my arms. specifically, my elbow. i have tendonitis. i feel like i'm 90 years old.
to be fair, the pain started when i bought my new hair dryer. it's one of those Conair, ceramic, negative-ion hairdryers. i knew i should've stopped using it when my elbow started to hurt but i was getting so many compliments on my hair, i felt i could power through the pain. i wish i were kidding.
now, i have been banned from participating in any racquet sports (so much for taking up squash in the winter) and it hurts to type. even when i stretch every 30 minutes. i am wondering how this will affect my long-term future, career-wise. semi-seriously.
i don't mind getting old in the number-sense or even in the experience-sense. but physically, it sucks.
i have to admit, though, that i didn't use the mouse all day and as a result, my elbow felt pretty good. until now, that is.
excuse me - i need to stretch. sigh.
i'd like to say it's because i wanted to spend more quality time with my dogs. or i'd like to say that i wanted to try to wean myself off social media by not being online and in front of the computer for 80% of my weekends. and i could say those two things - to a point.
the reason i wanted to be off my computer is so i could rest my arms. specifically, my elbow. i have tendonitis. i feel like i'm 90 years old.
to be fair, the pain started when i bought my new hair dryer. it's one of those Conair, ceramic, negative-ion hairdryers. i knew i should've stopped using it when my elbow started to hurt but i was getting so many compliments on my hair, i felt i could power through the pain. i wish i were kidding.
now, i have been banned from participating in any racquet sports (so much for taking up squash in the winter) and it hurts to type. even when i stretch every 30 minutes. i am wondering how this will affect my long-term future, career-wise. semi-seriously.
i don't mind getting old in the number-sense or even in the experience-sense. but physically, it sucks.
i have to admit, though, that i didn't use the mouse all day and as a result, my elbow felt pretty good. until now, that is.
excuse me - i need to stretch. sigh.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
laptype
over the holidays, and because i was once again too lazy to go out to the store to avail of boxing day sales, i went online and finally bought a laptop. i am typing on it as...i type.
i bought it for a number of useful reasons. first, i thought it would encourage me to write more - blog, journal, novel, anything. second, i figured it would be useful for school to take notes and such. third, i want Netflix and a laptop seemed to be the best way to use it. perhaps the third reason isn't the best, but hey, i spent $300 on this laptop. a friend of mine just spent $800 on bras at Dianes. She needs them, but still, that's a hella lot a money for five bras.
i digress.
so, wednesday was my first day of class and i was too lazy to bring this thing to work. turns out i don't really need it as the number of instances of "group work" and "talk this over with your neighbour" outweigh any instances of lengthy oration by the prof.
as for writing, this is my first attempt at writing something. the keyboard is driving me nuts. i'm used to the ergonomic ones.
and Netflix? i'm trying to stream Tuesday's ep of Glee on this thing and the starting and stopping is making me crazy.
i have a feeling i just bought a $300 paperweight. but i do feel a little like Carrie Bradshaw right now, what with the light of the screen being the only illumination as i type my thoughts while i sit in bed.
maybe this is the motivation i need to start writing regularly again. goodness knows i need a distraction. or is my feeling that i'm too busy to write just an easy excuse so that i don't have to write? time will tell. and hopefully it will tell sooner rather than later, and more often.
i bought it for a number of useful reasons. first, i thought it would encourage me to write more - blog, journal, novel, anything. second, i figured it would be useful for school to take notes and such. third, i want Netflix and a laptop seemed to be the best way to use it. perhaps the third reason isn't the best, but hey, i spent $300 on this laptop. a friend of mine just spent $800 on bras at Dianes. She needs them, but still, that's a hella lot a money for five bras.
i digress.
so, wednesday was my first day of class and i was too lazy to bring this thing to work. turns out i don't really need it as the number of instances of "group work" and "talk this over with your neighbour" outweigh any instances of lengthy oration by the prof.
as for writing, this is my first attempt at writing something. the keyboard is driving me nuts. i'm used to the ergonomic ones.
and Netflix? i'm trying to stream Tuesday's ep of Glee on this thing and the starting and stopping is making me crazy.
i have a feeling i just bought a $300 paperweight. but i do feel a little like Carrie Bradshaw right now, what with the light of the screen being the only illumination as i type my thoughts while i sit in bed.
maybe this is the motivation i need to start writing regularly again. goodness knows i need a distraction. or is my feeling that i'm too busy to write just an easy excuse so that i don't have to write? time will tell. and hopefully it will tell sooner rather than later, and more often.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Hello 2012
i was just re-reading a post from last year around this time that said that a lot of people felt 2010 was a really tough year, but that i didn't really get that. well, thank you, goldfish memory, because 2011 was exactly the same as last year. people said it sucked, but i don't really remember it being that bad.
this year's revelation seems to be related to my feelings or rather, lack thereof. it occurred to me today that i hang on to feelings for people or things or situations, long after i really should (or perhaps would normally) let go of them, not because i don't know that it's bad for me but more because if i don't feel those bad feelings, then i won't feel anything at all.
i can't remember where i saw it or what it was for, but i recall seeing a choice between "feeling too much" and "feeling nothing". i remember choosing "feeling too much" over "feeling nothing", because feeling nothing is awful. it occurs to me now that when i'm not pining or mopey or angry or hurt or ecstatic (all to do with a guy-du-jour, of course), i don't really feel anything at all. i don't feel overly happy or overly sad. i feel completely rational (maybe too rational) and worse, detached from everyone around me. like if they didn't exist, it wouldn't make a difference to me.
i know that when i'm feeling too much, i wish i couldn't feel anything at all. but when i'm feeling rational and "sane", i know that feeling more is so much better than feeling less. i must be tipping towards the "too much" side of the fence because the rational-me wouldn't care about this choice, one way or the other.
how's that for a new year's revelation?
this year's revelation seems to be related to my feelings or rather, lack thereof. it occurred to me today that i hang on to feelings for people or things or situations, long after i really should (or perhaps would normally) let go of them, not because i don't know that it's bad for me but more because if i don't feel those bad feelings, then i won't feel anything at all.
i can't remember where i saw it or what it was for, but i recall seeing a choice between "feeling too much" and "feeling nothing". i remember choosing "feeling too much" over "feeling nothing", because feeling nothing is awful. it occurs to me now that when i'm not pining or mopey or angry or hurt or ecstatic (all to do with a guy-du-jour, of course), i don't really feel anything at all. i don't feel overly happy or overly sad. i feel completely rational (maybe too rational) and worse, detached from everyone around me. like if they didn't exist, it wouldn't make a difference to me.
i know that when i'm feeling too much, i wish i couldn't feel anything at all. but when i'm feeling rational and "sane", i know that feeling more is so much better than feeling less. i must be tipping towards the "too much" side of the fence because the rational-me wouldn't care about this choice, one way or the other.
how's that for a new year's revelation?
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
commitment
my fear of commitment gets stronger as i get older. i first started talking about it as a joke, almost to disuade people from talking about my singleness. but now i think i'm not really joking. the fact that i can't even commit to a 2 year cell phone contract with a company i've been with for over 12 years makes me laugh.
i'm getting anxious about welcoming a new dog into my little pack. the Lunatic is really starting to bond with me. she's playful, affectionate and sassy. i'm afraid that bringing a new dog into the mix is going to erase all of that progress. but my friends with two or more dogs assure me that this is the right thing to do.
doesn't make it any less scary. at least i have an escape clause.
i'm getting anxious about welcoming a new dog into my little pack. the Lunatic is really starting to bond with me. she's playful, affectionate and sassy. i'm afraid that bringing a new dog into the mix is going to erase all of that progress. but my friends with two or more dogs assure me that this is the right thing to do.
doesn't make it any less scary. at least i have an escape clause.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Fatigues
My medical healer told me that in one of my past lives, I was fighting in a war and was shot down in an air balloon. One of the psychics I went to also told me that in one of my past lives, I was a soldier.
If this is true, it explains my obsession with wearing army green when it clearly does not look good on me, and my love of red poppy flowers.
I'm currently looking for an original painting (oil, preferrably) of a red poppy field. I saw one at an art gallery near my work but was too scared of the price to go in and look at it more closely. I didn't need to go in, really. I saw how beautiful it was from the window.
Fast forward to my browsing on my favorite waste of time and money, etsy.com, and I found a painting. It's only $245 and it's an original. I found a similar one, larger, for $345 by another artist. Ever since Mon told me about her original oil, I've been thinking that I should invest in an original painting, but I wasn't sure what to buy. I like to buy art that reflects me as a person, but I feel like a fraud when I think of putting paintings of a Parisienne patisserie or ballet dancers on my wall. They're beautiful, but they represent more of what I want to be rather than what I am. There is something to be said about the projection of an idea yielding its reality, but if it doesn't feel like who you are at your core, there's no point.
Red poppies are at my core. I can feel them.
If this is true, it explains my obsession with wearing army green when it clearly does not look good on me, and my love of red poppy flowers.
I'm currently looking for an original painting (oil, preferrably) of a red poppy field. I saw one at an art gallery near my work but was too scared of the price to go in and look at it more closely. I didn't need to go in, really. I saw how beautiful it was from the window.
Fast forward to my browsing on my favorite waste of time and money, etsy.com, and I found a painting. It's only $245 and it's an original. I found a similar one, larger, for $345 by another artist. Ever since Mon told me about her original oil, I've been thinking that I should invest in an original painting, but I wasn't sure what to buy. I like to buy art that reflects me as a person, but I feel like a fraud when I think of putting paintings of a Parisienne patisserie or ballet dancers on my wall. They're beautiful, but they represent more of what I want to be rather than what I am. There is something to be said about the projection of an idea yielding its reality, but if it doesn't feel like who you are at your core, there's no point.
Red poppies are at my core. I can feel them.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Absent but not gone
I can't believe that February was my last post. And it was about boredom. It actually wasn't half bad.
I'm not writing today because I'm bored, nor am I writing to report anything. I just thought I'd write.
I turned 35 three weeks ago. I can't remember what last year's lesson was. Maybe if I went back into previous posts, I could glean exactly what I learned as at my 34th birthday. But this year, I think I've finally come to realize that everyone's life is different and that just because you're not on the same path, it doesn't mean you're lost (thank you to his Holiness, the Dalai Lama, for that thought!).
I spent yesterday at my cousin's house for what would've been my Lola's 91st birthday (or 90th - no one really knows for sure). There were some relatives that hadn't been over in awhile and so we all got to catch up with them. Then came the uncomfortable part of the evening when those relatives who haven't seen us in awhile start to catch up on all the cousins' lives. Oh, where are you working now? Oh, that's your new husband? Oh, you're living on your own? Oh, when are you due? I knew what question was coming up for me and with my mom sitting in the room, and being with relatives who were going to become grandparents for the first time within the next three months (one being my cousin, who is only 47), I felt a pang of guilt. Just a pang. Not a sharp stab when the blow is cast, but definitely a pang that lingers long after attention is focused onto someone else.
My uncle started in on me about who I was dating. When I said no one, he said, "Oh, lots of boyfriends then." And I said, "No, not one and not many." Then the "why not" question. And then the "what about children" question. I guiltily stole a glance over at my mom, who was busy wiping her glasses clean of spots that weren't there to begin with. Pang.
I didn't want to get into a philosophical discussion about boyfriends and marriage and children, at least not with my drunk uncle. But no one came to my rescue either. Usually one person says, "Oh, it'll happen - don't worry about that." I guess at 35, no one really hopes for you anymore, at least not out loud.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not feeling sorry for myself. That's not a life I feel I need to have right now. But I do feel sorry for my parents, who I know desperately want grandchildren, but who continue to wait with forced patience. I feel sorry for my mom whose own sister tells her she knows nothing about raising children because she doesn't have grandchildren. I feel sorry for my dad, who dutifully comes to my place everyday to walk my dog, when he really wants to be changing his grandchild's diaper. But when it is instilled in you, through words, through actions, or through observation of someone else's trial and error, that you should not settle and that you should not do things because other people expect you to do them, then conforming with society's standard becomes very hard to do.
I have thought about having a kid on my own - Lord knows my parents would be there to help with childcare. But to have a child for someone else's satisfaction is not the answer. I know enough people who have had a child, planned or otherwise, who rely on other people to raise it while they continue on with their pre-baby lives. Not fair to the parents, both new and old, and most certainly not fair to the baby, who didn't ask to be born in the first place.
I have no way of ending this entry, because it's the middle of an on-going story.
I'm not writing today because I'm bored, nor am I writing to report anything. I just thought I'd write.
I turned 35 three weeks ago. I can't remember what last year's lesson was. Maybe if I went back into previous posts, I could glean exactly what I learned as at my 34th birthday. But this year, I think I've finally come to realize that everyone's life is different and that just because you're not on the same path, it doesn't mean you're lost (thank you to his Holiness, the Dalai Lama, for that thought!).
I spent yesterday at my cousin's house for what would've been my Lola's 91st birthday (or 90th - no one really knows for sure). There were some relatives that hadn't been over in awhile and so we all got to catch up with them. Then came the uncomfortable part of the evening when those relatives who haven't seen us in awhile start to catch up on all the cousins' lives. Oh, where are you working now? Oh, that's your new husband? Oh, you're living on your own? Oh, when are you due? I knew what question was coming up for me and with my mom sitting in the room, and being with relatives who were going to become grandparents for the first time within the next three months (one being my cousin, who is only 47), I felt a pang of guilt. Just a pang. Not a sharp stab when the blow is cast, but definitely a pang that lingers long after attention is focused onto someone else.
My uncle started in on me about who I was dating. When I said no one, he said, "Oh, lots of boyfriends then." And I said, "No, not one and not many." Then the "why not" question. And then the "what about children" question. I guiltily stole a glance over at my mom, who was busy wiping her glasses clean of spots that weren't there to begin with. Pang.
I didn't want to get into a philosophical discussion about boyfriends and marriage and children, at least not with my drunk uncle. But no one came to my rescue either. Usually one person says, "Oh, it'll happen - don't worry about that." I guess at 35, no one really hopes for you anymore, at least not out loud.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not feeling sorry for myself. That's not a life I feel I need to have right now. But I do feel sorry for my parents, who I know desperately want grandchildren, but who continue to wait with forced patience. I feel sorry for my mom whose own sister tells her she knows nothing about raising children because she doesn't have grandchildren. I feel sorry for my dad, who dutifully comes to my place everyday to walk my dog, when he really wants to be changing his grandchild's diaper. But when it is instilled in you, through words, through actions, or through observation of someone else's trial and error, that you should not settle and that you should not do things because other people expect you to do them, then conforming with society's standard becomes very hard to do.
I have thought about having a kid on my own - Lord knows my parents would be there to help with childcare. But to have a child for someone else's satisfaction is not the answer. I know enough people who have had a child, planned or otherwise, who rely on other people to raise it while they continue on with their pre-baby lives. Not fair to the parents, both new and old, and most certainly not fair to the baby, who didn't ask to be born in the first place.
I have no way of ending this entry, because it's the middle of an on-going story.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
boredom
i'm bored. i'm not even sure how it happened.
i haven't felt this bored since i was home over the Christmas break. i'm literally wandering from room to room, thinking about what to do.
i lie - i know how it happened. i remembered that Ballet BC was doing a performance tonight and i went online to see if i could find tickets as tonight was the last night of the show. there were still tickets left, even the cheapest ones, and i contemplated going alone. i decided to text Doc Tardy to see if she wanted to go but she already had plans. my mistake came when i decided that i shouldn't go, because i reminded myself that February was going to be the month i did not spend extraneously.
instead, i finished the book for my new book club (where we are only studying this one book) and then took some notes for our meeting tomorrow. and then, this overwhelming feeling over me - restlessness.
however, i also don't know what i feel like doing, or whether i even have the energy to do anything at all, which is making the boredom difficult to ease.
i considered stepping outside of my box and going to the pub down the street to get a bite to eat. and then i realized that it was a saturday night and i didn't really want to be that woman who went to a pub on a saturday night at 9 pm, alone. but i'm still hungry. and i have no good food in the house.
i listened to my Italian language CDs. i looked through my DVDs. i eyeballed my stacks of unread books. i already danced this morning while i was doing some chores so i don't feel like doing that again. i took the Lunatic for a walk in the cool, crisp air and she really wasn't that interested in it so i came back inside. i'm not tired enough to go to sleep.
i even thought of CALLING people. on the PHONE. THAT is how bored i am. instead, i turn to the only thing i know how to do when nothing else will do - write and overanalyze.
what is boredom? moreover, is this boredom i'm feeling, or is it something else entirely, like depression? does boredom stem from over-stimulation of the senses or from lack of motivation? what cures boredom for someone whose usual activities signal boredom to other people?
admittedly, i sent Crush a text to see what he was doing in the hopes that his answer would be nothing so i'd have an opening. but he said he was staying home with his housemate and watching a movie. he didn't mention what movie when i asked. i think it's porn. and i think he might be gay. but that's another post entirely.
anyway, back to my boredom. i don't even want to watch a movie or one of my favorite shows on DVD. i've been "fishing" for 30 minutes, and have cast out a few friendly nets just to see if i can get a bite, if you pick up what i'm layin' down.
it's 10:30. i'm going to bed.
i haven't felt this bored since i was home over the Christmas break. i'm literally wandering from room to room, thinking about what to do.
i lie - i know how it happened. i remembered that Ballet BC was doing a performance tonight and i went online to see if i could find tickets as tonight was the last night of the show. there were still tickets left, even the cheapest ones, and i contemplated going alone. i decided to text Doc Tardy to see if she wanted to go but she already had plans. my mistake came when i decided that i shouldn't go, because i reminded myself that February was going to be the month i did not spend extraneously.
instead, i finished the book for my new book club (where we are only studying this one book) and then took some notes for our meeting tomorrow. and then, this overwhelming feeling over me - restlessness.
however, i also don't know what i feel like doing, or whether i even have the energy to do anything at all, which is making the boredom difficult to ease.
i considered stepping outside of my box and going to the pub down the street to get a bite to eat. and then i realized that it was a saturday night and i didn't really want to be that woman who went to a pub on a saturday night at 9 pm, alone. but i'm still hungry. and i have no good food in the house.
i listened to my Italian language CDs. i looked through my DVDs. i eyeballed my stacks of unread books. i already danced this morning while i was doing some chores so i don't feel like doing that again. i took the Lunatic for a walk in the cool, crisp air and she really wasn't that interested in it so i came back inside. i'm not tired enough to go to sleep.
i even thought of CALLING people. on the PHONE. THAT is how bored i am. instead, i turn to the only thing i know how to do when nothing else will do - write and overanalyze.
what is boredom? moreover, is this boredom i'm feeling, or is it something else entirely, like depression? does boredom stem from over-stimulation of the senses or from lack of motivation? what cures boredom for someone whose usual activities signal boredom to other people?
admittedly, i sent Crush a text to see what he was doing in the hopes that his answer would be nothing so i'd have an opening. but he said he was staying home with his housemate and watching a movie. he didn't mention what movie when i asked. i think it's porn. and i think he might be gay. but that's another post entirely.
anyway, back to my boredom. i don't even want to watch a movie or one of my favorite shows on DVD. i've been "fishing" for 30 minutes, and have cast out a few friendly nets just to see if i can get a bite, if you pick up what i'm layin' down.
it's 10:30. i'm going to bed.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
happy chinese new year
goodbye, year of the tiger. you know, i may have said this before, but everyone has said that 2010 was a really rough year and they're all glad it's over. i don't know why, but it wasn't that bad for me. yes, my grandma died, which is never easy, but overall, i had a pretty good 2010. i guess i'd actually have to view my posts for 2010 to really know, but i don't remember anything really awful happen. my goldfish memory serves me well, yet again.
BabyMan was born the same year as me, but on january 22. for 34 years, he honestly believed he was born in the year of the dragon. last year, i broke the news to him that because he was born before chinese new year, that he was actually born in the previous animal year. being a guy, he said, "which one is that? year of the tiger? the ox? the snake??" i looked it up and reported back to him with the bad news. he was a Rabbit. a fluffy, white bunny. he was not pleased.
on thursday, i wished him a happy new year and he refused to believe he was not a dragon. if anything, he said, he was a fire-breathing rabbit. so i sent him a picture of a fire-breathing rabbit. he asked where i could have possibly found it from. i said, "i googled it." you can get just about anything from the internet in a matter of seconds.
tomrrow is the superbowl. i am going to be meeting A for lunch and we're going to wander around her neck of the woods to see whether we can find a place to sit and watch the game. and watch guys watching the game. and maybe meet the guys watching the game. here's hoping!
BabyMan was born the same year as me, but on january 22. for 34 years, he honestly believed he was born in the year of the dragon. last year, i broke the news to him that because he was born before chinese new year, that he was actually born in the previous animal year. being a guy, he said, "which one is that? year of the tiger? the ox? the snake??" i looked it up and reported back to him with the bad news. he was a Rabbit. a fluffy, white bunny. he was not pleased.
on thursday, i wished him a happy new year and he refused to believe he was not a dragon. if anything, he said, he was a fire-breathing rabbit. so i sent him a picture of a fire-breathing rabbit. he asked where i could have possibly found it from. i said, "i googled it." you can get just about anything from the internet in a matter of seconds.
tomrrow is the superbowl. i am going to be meeting A for lunch and we're going to wander around her neck of the woods to see whether we can find a place to sit and watch the game. and watch guys watching the game. and maybe meet the guys watching the game. here's hoping!
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
in all seriousness
i was visiting with my mom on sunday and, as usual, we started talking about money. five years ago, this post would be about how my mom was just trying to ruin my life and boss me around and blah, blah, blah. now, i realize that when it comes to money, you listen to a woman who paid off fully the mortgage on a duplex at the age of 35. that kind of woman deserves respect.
but she also made me really depressed. she encouraged me to look for work where company or government pensions were offered (because we all know that i'm not a good saver). i got my back up, of course, and was just about to say, "that's my plan when i'm 35!" and then i realized that i turn 35 in six months. faaaaaaaaaaaaack.
i went home feeling despondent. i still love my job. i still have so much more to learn in my job. it's a job and a career that i could be working in for the next ten years, without being bored. but she's absolutely right. and further, the reality is that the older i get, the less likely it is that i'm going to get married and have that elusive second income. i can't keep hoping that the other half of my "DINK" fantasy is coming my way. i have to start planning for my future, now.
the way i see it, if all goes well, i'll retire in good health in 30 years. i can work for 30 more years. it doesn't daunt me. that's plenty of time to jolt my RRSP back to life. but she kept pushing me to get a job with a pension. the problem with that is those kinds of jobs bore me to tears.
i can't say that - maybe there is a job out there that offers a nice pension that i can grow in. or maybe there's a reason why i left my nice, cushy union job that was earning me a government pension and good benefits.
i decided to look at my old pay stubs from my union days to see how much was being taken from each paycheque and being put into the pension fund. but i discovered that i recycled those long ago (see? the minute i throw something out, i need it!). i looked over my yearly pension statements and it appears that every year, maybe about $1000 - 1300 was being taken from my paycheque. i know they invest in mutual funds. if i can do that, plus my RRSP, it'll be like i had a union job. except that i won't have the benefits when i retire.
being an adult sucks sometimes. but at least i now have a new focus, a new "project" to consider once i get back to work and have to deal with seeing Crush everyday again.
and no, the cute guy hasn't called. i'll give it until friday, and then i'll delete his number. yes, i realize i can call him but i'd really like him to call me first. decisions, decisions.
but she also made me really depressed. she encouraged me to look for work where company or government pensions were offered (because we all know that i'm not a good saver). i got my back up, of course, and was just about to say, "that's my plan when i'm 35!" and then i realized that i turn 35 in six months. faaaaaaaaaaaaack.
i went home feeling despondent. i still love my job. i still have so much more to learn in my job. it's a job and a career that i could be working in for the next ten years, without being bored. but she's absolutely right. and further, the reality is that the older i get, the less likely it is that i'm going to get married and have that elusive second income. i can't keep hoping that the other half of my "DINK" fantasy is coming my way. i have to start planning for my future, now.
the way i see it, if all goes well, i'll retire in good health in 30 years. i can work for 30 more years. it doesn't daunt me. that's plenty of time to jolt my RRSP back to life. but she kept pushing me to get a job with a pension. the problem with that is those kinds of jobs bore me to tears.
i can't say that - maybe there is a job out there that offers a nice pension that i can grow in. or maybe there's a reason why i left my nice, cushy union job that was earning me a government pension and good benefits.
i decided to look at my old pay stubs from my union days to see how much was being taken from each paycheque and being put into the pension fund. but i discovered that i recycled those long ago (see? the minute i throw something out, i need it!). i looked over my yearly pension statements and it appears that every year, maybe about $1000 - 1300 was being taken from my paycheque. i know they invest in mutual funds. if i can do that, plus my RRSP, it'll be like i had a union job. except that i won't have the benefits when i retire.
being an adult sucks sometimes. but at least i now have a new focus, a new "project" to consider once i get back to work and have to deal with seeing Crush everyday again.
and no, the cute guy hasn't called. i'll give it until friday, and then i'll delete his number. yes, i realize i can call him but i'd really like him to call me first. decisions, decisions.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
happy new year
my first post of 2011. hurrah!
i was a bit of a new year's grinch last night. as Doc Tardy and i were driving to our new year's party venue, she was being (unusually) pro-active/positive about 2011, telling me that it would be "our year". i grumped and said, "we've been saying that for the past three years."
i wasn't even particularly excited about going out for new year's. once again, it was something that i felt i had to do in order to be "interesting" or "normal" or "cool". i chose the venue we went to because, at the very least, it wouldn't be overrun with 19-year olds on their first legal new year's bender.
the evening turned out to be great. we had planned to meet up with a guy from high school who we knew was going to be there with friends. i remembered him as a little awkward and a bit annoying but he turned out to be loads of fun. very positive and up for a good time. and as luck would have it, a good thing we met up as all six of the friends he was with (3 couples) bailed on him before midnight. i guess they thought it would be okay since Doc and i were there. anyway, both he and Doc Tardy got decidedly buzzed on the 6 bottles of mini-champagnes we acquired. it amounted to about one bottle of full-sized champagne each.
i also met a cute guy while on the nearly-empty dance floor. his friend was the one who sidled up to me first. initially, i thought the friend was the one who was interested in me and, while there was no attraction to him on my part, he was funny and hey, it's 2011 - time to put away pretenses, at least for the night. turns out he was the wingman because once his friend and i started chatting, he took off. the cute guy and i had several dances and indeed, he enjoyed twirling me and did so at every chance he got.
at one point, we were standing and chatting about the movie they had been looping on the TV screens all night and this young guy who had been watching us from the sidelines came up to us and started talking to me. the cute guy sat down with another one of his friends and the young guy and i continued to chat. he was a bit more than loaded and said to me, "you see that guy in the blue shirt to your left? i think he was hitting on you." i feigned surprise and he continued, "yeah, so i decided to come in for the rescue. see, he walked off!" i figured he was too drunk to explain that i was okay about being hit on. but he left eventually.
when my little group decided it was time to go, i walked over to the cute guy and said we were going. he asked for one last twirl, which turned into a lot of turning, a some close-hold dancing, and a lot of hand holding. finally, i had to say goodbye and told him that it was really nice to meet him. lots of smiling, lots of eye contact and he said, "can i call you?" and i walked away with a phone number.
Eug educated me that he won't call until monday, but we'll see if he calls at all. i'd like him to. he was nice. he didn't even try to kiss me, even though i could tell he wanted to. maybe he wasn't as drunk as i thought he was...or at least, as drunk as his wingman was.
as for Crush, i had asked him to come to my venue if he didn't end up doing anything for new years. he was predictably vague. i was predictably disheartened. but the cute guy kind of softens that blow, at least for the time being.
2011 - this is our year! ;)
i was a bit of a new year's grinch last night. as Doc Tardy and i were driving to our new year's party venue, she was being (unusually) pro-active/positive about 2011, telling me that it would be "our year". i grumped and said, "we've been saying that for the past three years."
i wasn't even particularly excited about going out for new year's. once again, it was something that i felt i had to do in order to be "interesting" or "normal" or "cool". i chose the venue we went to because, at the very least, it wouldn't be overrun with 19-year olds on their first legal new year's bender.
the evening turned out to be great. we had planned to meet up with a guy from high school who we knew was going to be there with friends. i remembered him as a little awkward and a bit annoying but he turned out to be loads of fun. very positive and up for a good time. and as luck would have it, a good thing we met up as all six of the friends he was with (3 couples) bailed on him before midnight. i guess they thought it would be okay since Doc and i were there. anyway, both he and Doc Tardy got decidedly buzzed on the 6 bottles of mini-champagnes we acquired. it amounted to about one bottle of full-sized champagne each.
i also met a cute guy while on the nearly-empty dance floor. his friend was the one who sidled up to me first. initially, i thought the friend was the one who was interested in me and, while there was no attraction to him on my part, he was funny and hey, it's 2011 - time to put away pretenses, at least for the night. turns out he was the wingman because once his friend and i started chatting, he took off. the cute guy and i had several dances and indeed, he enjoyed twirling me and did so at every chance he got.
at one point, we were standing and chatting about the movie they had been looping on the TV screens all night and this young guy who had been watching us from the sidelines came up to us and started talking to me. the cute guy sat down with another one of his friends and the young guy and i continued to chat. he was a bit more than loaded and said to me, "you see that guy in the blue shirt to your left? i think he was hitting on you." i feigned surprise and he continued, "yeah, so i decided to come in for the rescue. see, he walked off!" i figured he was too drunk to explain that i was okay about being hit on. but he left eventually.
when my little group decided it was time to go, i walked over to the cute guy and said we were going. he asked for one last twirl, which turned into a lot of turning, a some close-hold dancing, and a lot of hand holding. finally, i had to say goodbye and told him that it was really nice to meet him. lots of smiling, lots of eye contact and he said, "can i call you?" and i walked away with a phone number.
Eug educated me that he won't call until monday, but we'll see if he calls at all. i'd like him to. he was nice. he didn't even try to kiss me, even though i could tell he wanted to. maybe he wasn't as drunk as i thought he was...or at least, as drunk as his wingman was.
as for Crush, i had asked him to come to my venue if he didn't end up doing anything for new years. he was predictably vague. i was predictably disheartened. but the cute guy kind of softens that blow, at least for the time being.
2011 - this is our year! ;)
Monday, December 27, 2010
i am love
while scrolling through my news feed on FB, i noticed a post from the Jason Mraz page that read, "And Now Back To Being In Love". of course, that got my attention.
i read the post and it introduced me to a book by Cafe Gratitude (the owners or something like that) about being love. not being in love, but being love itself. the book is called "Kindred Spirit: Fulfilling Love's Promise." it is a book-version of a relationship seminar that they offer at the cafe. their premise is that instead of waiting for love to come to us, that we should just be love itself. i was intrigued.
i read the page-excerpt from the book that was posted and, honestly, it sounded like a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo. but i think that between all of the airy-fairy sentiments, there is something there.
and, like Mraz says on his post, the idea of it comes from many major religions so it's not something that's new. but as i always say, the reminder is nice to have. "Be the change you want to see in the world" is one of my favorite quotes. perhaps the idea of being love is something that i need to integrate into my life. still waters run very deep with me, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let a ripple or two cut the smooth surface every now and then.
i went onto the Cafe Gratitude website and was poised to buy the book, but then saw a tote bag with the cafe's logo, "What are you grateful for?" printed on it, and i decided to buy that too. except i didn't know how big the bag was, so i emailed the store to see what the dimensions were. no point in buying it if it's too small to carry anything in, yes? so, my Cafe Gratitude shopping cart is sitting, waiting to hear back from the administrative office. ah, red tape.
anyway, the thought of the book inspired me (again) to start my 10 commandments for 2011. and during my annual viewing of "The Holiday", i had another inspired thought for a new project for the year (and possibly down the road, my book): "365 Day Hi". the play on words refers to the "high" you get from getting a smile or hello response from a stranger. i've decided that, come january 1, 2011, i am going to say hi or smile genuinely at a stranger everyday, and see what comes of it. lord knows i can expound on any experience i have, ad nauseum, so it shouldn't be hard to do a 1 or 2 page chapter on each day. i don't expect to be able to do it on all days next year, but i'm certainly going to try. it'll give me something to focus on, other than things that i focus on that i shouldn't focus on. ahem.
i read the post and it introduced me to a book by Cafe Gratitude (the owners or something like that) about being love. not being in love, but being love itself. the book is called "Kindred Spirit: Fulfilling Love's Promise." it is a book-version of a relationship seminar that they offer at the cafe. their premise is that instead of waiting for love to come to us, that we should just be love itself. i was intrigued.
i read the page-excerpt from the book that was posted and, honestly, it sounded like a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo. but i think that between all of the airy-fairy sentiments, there is something there.
and, like Mraz says on his post, the idea of it comes from many major religions so it's not something that's new. but as i always say, the reminder is nice to have. "Be the change you want to see in the world" is one of my favorite quotes. perhaps the idea of being love is something that i need to integrate into my life. still waters run very deep with me, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let a ripple or two cut the smooth surface every now and then.
i went onto the Cafe Gratitude website and was poised to buy the book, but then saw a tote bag with the cafe's logo, "What are you grateful for?" printed on it, and i decided to buy that too. except i didn't know how big the bag was, so i emailed the store to see what the dimensions were. no point in buying it if it's too small to carry anything in, yes? so, my Cafe Gratitude shopping cart is sitting, waiting to hear back from the administrative office. ah, red tape.
anyway, the thought of the book inspired me (again) to start my 10 commandments for 2011. and during my annual viewing of "The Holiday", i had another inspired thought for a new project for the year (and possibly down the road, my book): "365 Day Hi". the play on words refers to the "high" you get from getting a smile or hello response from a stranger. i've decided that, come january 1, 2011, i am going to say hi or smile genuinely at a stranger everyday, and see what comes of it. lord knows i can expound on any experience i have, ad nauseum, so it shouldn't be hard to do a 1 or 2 page chapter on each day. i don't expect to be able to do it on all days next year, but i'm certainly going to try. it'll give me something to focus on, other than things that i focus on that i shouldn't focus on. ahem.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Benylin day
i woke up this morning and i wasn't feeling great. i could've gone to work and i could've made it through the day operating at about 55 to 60%. i even showered and had a nice breakfast. but as i sat on my bed, willing myself to get dressed, i remembered earlier this year when i forced myself to go to work, only to leave at 10:30. at that point, i decided to call in "crappy".
i emailed my lawyers and my admin and said i felt like crap but i'd be in tomorrow. i then called Sands and left her a voicemail on the general mailbox. and then i slept for another 3 hours.
i woke up feeling rested, but i was achy. not a good sign. i then got up, took an advil. things got better from there.
i checked my email and there were a few messages from work, mostly of the "feel better" kind. then i see BabyMan, who was not on the email i sent initially, had sent me a message that said, "Crush is not in either. This place is exploding with suggestions and innuendo."
i emailed him back, saying, "When he gets out of the shower, I’ll tell him." he didn't respond, but i'm sure i heard him laugh from here.
i slept more during the day and really, today's BD was the best thing i could've done for myself. i feel much better and i now feel like i can get through the next two weeks before i'm off. why other people don't do it, i'll never understand.
i emailed my lawyers and my admin and said i felt like crap but i'd be in tomorrow. i then called Sands and left her a voicemail on the general mailbox. and then i slept for another 3 hours.
i woke up feeling rested, but i was achy. not a good sign. i then got up, took an advil. things got better from there.
i checked my email and there were a few messages from work, mostly of the "feel better" kind. then i see BabyMan, who was not on the email i sent initially, had sent me a message that said, "Crush is not in either. This place is exploding with suggestions and innuendo."
i emailed him back, saying, "When he gets out of the shower, I’ll tell him." he didn't respond, but i'm sure i heard him laugh from here.
i slept more during the day and really, today's BD was the best thing i could've done for myself. i feel much better and i now feel like i can get through the next two weeks before i'm off. why other people don't do it, i'll never understand.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
someone else gets it!
i'm skipping a choir concert this afternoon because i'm feeling run down and i have too much to do. so what do i do? a bunch of chores and now am surfing the internet whilst listening to (not watching) Disney's "Fantasia".
anyway, while on my favorite style blogger's website, i happened upon another website. i didn't think much of it when i linked to it - i figured it was just someone like me, pontificating about life and their philosopies on same.
i was right, but this woman has taken it to a new level - the public level. i read her post about finding your purpose, which we all know is my obsession in life, among other things.
it's not so much about what she wrote, it's more that she discussed "ego v. spirit", which is something i struggle with constantly. basically, you know you're capable of doing one thing, but you're "stuck" doing something else that brings you a certain level of satisfaction (perhaps a great level of satisfaction). your ego tells you, "there's more to life than this!" and even though you're happy with where you are or with what you're doing or with who you have become, your ego knocks you off balance and makes you think you're still a long way from success.
but whose idea of success? yours? your parents'? your friends'? society's? in that post, she encourages her readers to be patient and to have faith that the trajectory of our lives is what we set it on, and not what other people want it set on. it's not about sitting back and seeing how things go but rather, that if you continue on with what brings you joy and what makes you feel fulfilled, that your ideal life (i.e. not someone else's version of ideal) will unfold before you.
it's not something i didn't know before, but it's nice to be reminded, not just for my own life, but to remind me that other peoples' lives are products of their own hopes, wishes and ideas. just because someone isn't living the life i would lead or do lead, doesn't mean they're not living a full life, which means i don't have any right to try to change it. i may have an opinion (and as i get older and more comfortable with who i have become, i have a lot of opinions), but it doesn't mean it's transferrable to someone else's life.
ego-check.
anyway, while on my favorite style blogger's website, i happened upon another website. i didn't think much of it when i linked to it - i figured it was just someone like me, pontificating about life and their philosopies on same.
i was right, but this woman has taken it to a new level - the public level. i read her post about finding your purpose, which we all know is my obsession in life, among other things.
it's not so much about what she wrote, it's more that she discussed "ego v. spirit", which is something i struggle with constantly. basically, you know you're capable of doing one thing, but you're "stuck" doing something else that brings you a certain level of satisfaction (perhaps a great level of satisfaction). your ego tells you, "there's more to life than this!" and even though you're happy with where you are or with what you're doing or with who you have become, your ego knocks you off balance and makes you think you're still a long way from success.
but whose idea of success? yours? your parents'? your friends'? society's? in that post, she encourages her readers to be patient and to have faith that the trajectory of our lives is what we set it on, and not what other people want it set on. it's not about sitting back and seeing how things go but rather, that if you continue on with what brings you joy and what makes you feel fulfilled, that your ideal life (i.e. not someone else's version of ideal) will unfold before you.
it's not something i didn't know before, but it's nice to be reminded, not just for my own life, but to remind me that other peoples' lives are products of their own hopes, wishes and ideas. just because someone isn't living the life i would lead or do lead, doesn't mean they're not living a full life, which means i don't have any right to try to change it. i may have an opinion (and as i get older and more comfortable with who i have become, i have a lot of opinions), but it doesn't mean it's transferrable to someone else's life.
ego-check.
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