Hello 2012

i was just re-reading a post from last year around this time that said that a lot of people felt 2010 was a really tough year, but that i didn't really get that. well, thank you, goldfish memory, because 2011 was exactly the same as last year. people said it sucked, but i don't really remember it being that bad.

this year's revelation seems to be related to my feelings or rather, lack thereof. it occurred to me today that i hang on to feelings for people or things or situations, long after i really should (or perhaps would normally) let go of them, not because i don't know that it's bad for me but more because if i don't feel those bad feelings, then i won't feel anything at all.

i can't remember where i saw it or what it was for, but i recall seeing a choice between "feeling too much" and "feeling nothing". i remember choosing "feeling too much" over "feeling nothing", because feeling nothing is awful. it occurs to me now that when i'm not pining or mopey or angry or hurt or ecstatic (all to do with a guy-du-jour, of course), i don't really feel anything at all. i don't feel overly happy or overly sad. i feel completely rational (maybe too rational) and worse, detached from everyone around me. like if they didn't exist, it wouldn't make a difference to me.

i know that when i'm feeling too much, i wish i couldn't feel anything at all. but when i'm feeling rational and "sane", i know that feeling more is so much better than feeling less. i must be tipping towards the "too much" side of the fence because the rational-me wouldn't care about this choice, one way or the other.

how's that for a new year's revelation?