read handed

wandering around the Penticton Farmers' Market, A and I happened upon a palm reader. after my experience with a tarot card reader in Victoria, i was very skeptical and didn't want to fork over $17 (it was one read for $20 or two reads for $35). but A had never had her palms read and, since she's actually more frugal than i am, the fact that she was willing to pay the $17 meant that she really wanted to do it. so we did.

and suzie (a delightful but apparently deodorant-challenged Hungarian palm-reader) was nearly bang on. she read my palms and said that i was wasting my creative talents by not doing anything with them. she said that i was the type to hold a grudge and wallow in it. she said that i grew attached to people easily and that it was hard for me to say goodbye if and when the time came. and she said that although i could be a laid-back person, i tended to let things build up until i exploded. in fact, i believe her exact words were, "you're an aggressive person." i laughed until she explained herself, and then i realized she was right. she described me as someone not to be crossed because when i finally lose it, it's going to be big and there will be carnage. okay, not exactly in those words but that was the gist. and she said i was wasting my creative talent, did i mention that? she did. about 20 times. i think it's time for me to start taking my art seriously again. whatever my art is.

she suggested that i scan my palms and then when the lines change, it's time to get them read again. did you know they change? and that the left hand (or your less dominant hand) represents your potential and the other hand represents you, now?

tomorrow, i see the psychic again. it's a spiritual kind of week.

gifts from heaven

my Lola passed away at 05:40 on sunday morning, a few day shy of her 90th birthday. i can't remember if i wrote about it before, but she had suffered a stroke between Christmas and boxing day past, and hasn't been the same since. she was basically in palliative care for the first few days. they even brought in the priest to administer last rites. but she hung on. stubbornness isn't just on one side of my family.

last week, my mom said she took a turn for the worst. i don't know about you, but i don't know how much worse you can get if you're already hooked up to a catheter, feeding tube and morphine 24/7. and then she stabilized. a fighter.

i think she was tired of fighting, because she left us for greener pastures, higher plains, a better place, whatever you want to call it. she decided she was ready.

my mom phoned me at 6 a.m. i've never had a call at 6 a.m. before, so i basically knew that it was bad news. i wasn't surprised and i didn't feel sad. i was relieved that she wasn't suffering anymore. i got up and sat on the couch and started to watch the news. and then i started to cry.

you know how i feel about crying at the death of someone who has lived a full and complete life - i feel that we're crying for our loss, not theirs. it's not them we feel sorry for; it's us. for me, it was guilt. i haven't seen my Lola since before she was transferred to her care home in january. but the last time i saw her, she was cognizant and she told me she loved me. i think that's a pretty good memory to be left with.

that's why when my mom phoned an hour later and said that they were going to the home to say goodbye and did i want to come, i burst into tears and said, "i don't want to see her like that." she understood. almost everyone was there (and i say that lightly, because this is my dad's family we're talking about. there are a lot of them).

instead, i stayed home and decided to Skype my brother so he wouldn't find out about her death from a status update on Facebook. he asked me right away, "why are you up so early?" and i'm not one to mince words when it comes to this sort of thing so all i said was, "i have bad news. Lola Mama's gone." it was hard to see him cry, but i didn't want him to find out on the phone or through e-mail and then have to deal with it alone. at least being on Skype, you're face to face. we talked for about an hour. he's coming home on Saturday for the funeral on Tuesday.

i was sketchy yesterday evening when we went to my aunt's house for the first night of the Novena. my cousin, Ash, came up to gave me a hug and i lost it. i was weepy when i got home too. i knew this Lola's death would be the worst for me because she was the one i knew the best, the one that used to live with me and take care of me.

i wasn't sure i'd be able to go to work today. i felt so sad this morning but i managed to actually get out of the house on time so i thought i'd see how it went and if i couldn't hold it together throughout the day, i'd just go home.

standing on the skytrain, i felt sad. i looked sad. everything was glum. and then we got to Broadway station and the guy that i had smiled at...twice...just before the Olympics walked onto my car. and we made eye contact. and i kept trying to catch his eye and was successful at least twice. i thought hard about fishing out one of my business cards, scrawling the word "Coffee?" on it and handing it to him as i left the train. by the time we approached my station, i had my purse open and was looking for a pen.

and then i realized, as he smiled at me again and my gloom lifted almost entirely, that his appearance was a gift from my Lola. it was her telling me to stop being sad and to remember the living as much as the dead. his smile made me smile and it made me feel happy again.

okay, maybe it was just a coincidence that i saw him. but it certainly makes me feel better to think that my Lola is watching over me, trying to orchestrate something good from where she is.

superfox

not surprisingly, i was going a little out of my mind last night. i got to the point where i was googling "shy guy behaviour" and reading endless posts from said shy-guys and the women that love them, and trying to see any similarities in their situations and mine. i am also hormonal, which does not help.

so, i did what i always do when i am feeling particularly frantic about dating and men and relationships. i turned to the bible of greg and liz, "He's Just Not That Into You." and i read the first chapter again: "He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out." and they reminded me of the things that i forget or that i talk myself out of or convince myself i should do because i don't want to wait: that i should not try to trick him into asking me out, nor should i ask him out myself. most importantly, that i am WORTH being asked out.

and so it goes. he's just a guy. if he ends up going out with someone else because she was super aggressive, backed him into a corner and told him they were going out (as has happened with several men i've been interested in in the past few years, a few resulting in marriage), then good for her. i'll send you a wedding gift.

all that being said, i can't shrink back into wallflower status. i still need to show my interest, but i won't go further than that.

besides, our new German exchange student started yesterday and as Nicbal noticed, he's already making eyes at me.

Deustchland vor!

out

he loves me, he loves me not.

oh Crush. how you tease me so. it's great when he's hanging out at my desk with partners swarming around, looking at us wasting company time. but we sit in the boardroom alone together, after hours, and all he can talk about is work. oy!

i think i may back off for a little while. it's too frustrating.

11:2

Doc Tardy and i were supping on a patio in Kits on saturday night. beside us, a group of 11 (count 'em!) men, aged 30 - 40, all watching the replay of one of the world cup games. we were on the patio beside them for three hours. ask me how many numbers i got.

you're correct! zero. i turned to Doc and said, "this is punishment. this is God testing my chutzpah and proving to me that i am not willing to make myself available for a nice guy, or any guy." she pooh-poohed that and said, "it'll happen when it's meant to happen for us."

i said, without even trying to lower my voice, "it ain't happening because we're not letting it happen!!! there are 11 of them and we haven't made eye contact or smiled at any one of them! ELEVEN!" and they just kept coming. at one point, there were 13. i nearly cried.

but i didn't make eye contact. not even by mistake.

you wonder why i'm single? it's because i MAKE myself single!

self-check

i'm fascinated by non-verbal communication and have been since i was in high school. i remember one summer i read every book that the local public library had on face reading and body language that was written for the general public (they had academic texts as well, but i was 15 at the time and it was beyond me. still is, to be honest). the TV show "Lie to Me" was a godsend. it brought all of what i learned into context.

i think it interests me so much because i feel like i already have an innate sense of feelings and emotions and learning the academic side of it just assists in honing that in-born skill.

i use what i know to take stock of how people are feeling in social situations. and of course, i use it to analyze potential love-interests to see whether or not they feel the same about me. if i were to go by non-verbals alone, i'd say Bertrand is really interested in me and Crush is not.

this week, i decided that i would study my books again, because i've now accumulated lots of books on body language over the past few years. this time, i would study one action each week and look for it in every person i saw. i think that would ensure that i understood what the action looked like and what it said.

as i was re-reading one of my books, it reminded me that, as with everything in life, you have to look at non-verbal cues in context with everything else. so, crossed-arms generally say that the person is closed off or unfriendly, but what happens if the air conditioning is blasting and they're in bare arms and no sweater?

of course, then it made me think that i should assess my own body language and see whether how i think i feel about both Bertrand and Crush is actually how i feel. i know that when i see and talk to Bertrand, which is rare, both of us are really open in our non-verbals. there's a lot of maintained eye contact and he always turns to face me. he keeps a close distance, standing in what's called the "intimate zone" (between 1 - 3 feet from the other person), instead of the "social zone", which is generally 3 - 5 feet from the other person. if we're sitting around the boardroom table at after work drinks, his feet and sometimes his entire body is pointed towards me, even though he may be speaking to someone else. and yet, we never talk at any other time. i don't make efforts to stop by his office to chat and he only chats with me when he needs something or is waiting to speak to someone near my desk and that person is busy and he wants to kill time.

in contrast, Crush chats with me all the time (although not nearly as much now that he's in a different office on the other side of the office), albeit about work, but he makes efforts. other people have remarked that he's always chatting with me and that he doesn't make many efforts to make convo with anyone else. yet his body language is so different. if we're around the boardroom table, he'll turn his head to talk to me, but his feet and body stay pointing straight ahead of him. if we're standing in a group, his feet are never pointed towards me. he does raise his eyebrows, and therefore widens his eyes, if he walks past me in the hallway (the eyes' way of taking in a sight they like) and he'll talk to me endlessly about work-things that most people would have spent five minutes on.

as for me, i think i hold back. i was chatting with Sands yesterday and could see Crush walking through the library in the reflection in the window. it looked like he changed his direction once he saw me (i assume, since he knew Sands would be sitting in her desk but wouldn't necessarily think i would be standing there too), and lumbered his way towards us. but then, he pointed his entire body towards Sands while telling both of us about his day at a mediation. he'd turn his head to tell me about it (and mostly me about it), but his feet and shoulders were pointed straight towards Sands. I turned my body fully towards him and saw a piece of lint on his shoulder. i was going to pick it off but decided not to as it was a little personal, but i think i should have. if i'm going to convey interest, i have to start touching him soon. otherwise, it will go no where.

which makes me think - is he holding back? i mean, if i'm holding back because i don't want to appear too over-eager, then maybe he is too. or maybe i'm not as interested as i think i am, or want to be.

people wonder why i'm still single. it's because it's far too complicated to be anything else, at least in my head. :)

although, there was this one time i was sitting in my chair at my desk and turned with my back to the shared printer. Crush came around my desk to get something he had printed and two seconds later, i turned to face him and noticed that when i was facing him full on (or his mid-section full-on), he sucked in is gut. i thought that was either coincidental, or really cute.

huh.

i was with my mom this evening and we were chatting about my dad. she said she knew something that she wasn't sure she should tell me. she had previously been telling me how my dad was reporting to her that i spent so much money and that i was making more than him and i still didn't have any money. i gathered from that that he had been looking at my paystubs and mastercard bills. that's okay - i left them out so it was fair game.

so, when she said she knew something, i thought perhaps that my dad ratted me out and told her i still had a large balance on my credit card. what she told me really surprised me. apparently, my dad is worried about me because i don't have kids yet.

the story is this: she picked him up to take him somewhere because she had borrowed his car. he gets in the car and closes the door with a heavy sigh. she says, "what's wrong?" and he says, "it's CG. i'm worried about her." she says, "why?" he says, "she's 33 years old and instead of taking care of her kids, she's taking care of her dog. and, look at me! instead of taking care of my grand-kids, i'm taking care of her dog." she said he actually got a little emotional; maybe even teared up a bit.

huh? this i expected from my mom. that's why i had the talk with her a few years ago (that she conveniently doesn't remember) about how i wasn't sure that i was meant to have kids and that i wasn't concerned about whether i had them or not. maybe i should have included my dad in that conversation too.

i know it's not the right reason to have kids but i have a feeling it would really help my dad out of his funk if he had little ones to take care of.

no pressure.

rain

just got in from an afternoon stroll with my Lunatic. it's pissing outside. i'm quite certain she is now sitting on top of my clean clothes on my bed, still a little damp from being Sham-wowed.

i attempted to do some purging today. i tackled my 3 rubbermaid totes and managed to purge a whack of sweaters and some too-tight capris pants from summers past. but i still have a bursting closet. and i want to buy more clothes.

it's june and you know what that means - the gloves are slowly coming off. the three-month moratorium on Crush is now over. i am going to ramp-up my attempts at... i don't know. do we call it 'flirting'? anyway, yeah. that's my plan.

in other news, BabyMan is away for the week and has asked me to revive his bonsai tree while he's away. (hmm. that sounds dirty.) he said, and i quote, "that can be your new challenge." arse.

did i tell you i think there might be something neurologically wrong with me? more often than not, as i type i spell out words wrong. and not as in a typo - as in when i just typed out "not", my brain told me to type out "knot". and up top, where i said rubbermaid totes, my brain told me and i did, type out "rubbermaide toates". toates m'goats.

time to get ready for ballet.

just cause

yesterday was the friday before the long weekend, so i knew there wouldn't be too many people sticking around for a drink. i had plans to meet Mandy at 5:15 to go for nachos anyway, but i ended up finishing work (or being tired of working) at about 4:15 so i had some time to kill.

earlier in the day, i walked by Bertrand's office and he called me back. he asked if i had bought snacks for that evening and i said, "it's the friday before the long weekend - no one is going to be here for drinks after work!" he said, "no one will be there because there is no food!" he joked about how he had assigned the task to me and i joked that he forgot to confirm in writing, so there was no written agreement. he said, "it was a verbal agreement!" we talked about our upcoming weekends and then i left.

at 4:25, i walked into Crush's office with my bags and said, "what are you doing?" he told me he was working on an affidavit and then said, "are you headed to the boardroom?" and i said, "yeah, can you keep me company for 30 minutes?" and he said he would.

short story long, i ended up in the boardroom with not only Crush but Bertrand. it was the best. until Crush brought up the Student, who has since left the firm. i have a sneaking suspicion that he has a bit of a thing for her. then again, i have a bit of a thing for Bertrand so i guess what's good for the goose, etc.

as it sits, i am still here, waiting to hear from people about tonight. the Howler's last show is tonight and Doc Tardy and i are planning on going. except, she hasn't responded to my texts about dinner or what time to meet i guess for now, i'll make plans to head down on my own. typical.

i kind of lost it on her the other day. i went off about how i needed new friends because no one ever kept get together dates and people kept jamming. WTF. i do need new friends. or i just have to get over the fact that some people are just flighty and just because they say, "yes, let's do this!" it doesn't mean, "yes, let's do this!" it means, "yes, perhaps if something better doesn't come up in the meantime, i may consider possibly doing this!"

you know what's wrong with the world today? people are innundated with choice and now, no one wants to commit because there may be something better to do later on. so frustrating.

huh

Crush was hanging out by my desk (again), digging through my candy dish. i said to him, "i was going to pick out some new candy this weekend, but i wasn't sure how it would go over so i decided not to."

he answers and says, "did you ask BabyMan?"

i said, "why would i ask BabyMan?"

he says, "you always consult with him." huh?

i said, "no i don't. BabyMan doesn't even eat these candies. he just asks for real food."

he said, "so you only bake him cookies." huh?

i said, "no, i bake everyone cookies. he just takes a lot of them."

i then went to BabyMan's office and relayed my conversation, hoping he would tell me that i was reading too much into things.

he said, "OMG, he's jealous! wait, wait, we're over him, i forgot. OMG, he's jealous!!! ooh, the tension!!"

yeah, that's what i thought. so agonized - what do i do? do i step this flirtation up a notch? do i leave it alone? do i ask BabyMan tomorrow what i should do? decisions, decisions.

i finally decided to do the only thing i know - i baked him cookies. i'll leave most of them for the office, but i'm going to bring him his own bag with a note that says, "you get first dibs this time."

if cookies don't show my affection, i'm going to have to go with beer.

tacos

about 7 years ago, i met this guy online who lived in las vegas. i can't remember if we talked or if we just MSN chatted but i remember really liking him, not as a "guy" but as a friend. he said that if i were ever in vegas to look him up and he would take me to his favorite bar, the Pink Taco. i thought that was a funny name. he said it was a strip club. i thought it was an odd name for a peeler bar.

fast-forward 7 years to this past tuesday. i was watching "Glee" and Sue Sylvester threatened to kick another woman in her taco. i gasped at the visual that popped into my head and laughed at the chutzpah that the show had to have that particular turn of phrase on such a teen-driven show.

fast forward to 8:30 this evening. i was walking home from the skytrain and something reminded me of the name Pink Taco. and all of a sudden, i understood why the nudie bar was called the Pink Taco.

yes, sometimes, i actually AM that slow.

music therapy

i made a new playlist (the 2010 version of a mega mix-tape) called "I Love This Song!" i like themes when i make a new playlist and always give it a kooky name. i've been wanting to make this particular one for awhile, but it just took time to go through my entire list of songs and sort through.

i've been listening to it as i pack for mexico and everytime a new song starts, i say, "oh, i love this song!" and then i laugh. because i don't actually mean to be funny when i say i love this song, but it's why i made the playlist. i love all of my music but there are some songs that i absolutely love. my poor neighbours have had to listen to me sing all night.

not to be confused with my playlist, "Karaoke Wish List".

i miss my iPod. and i miss my little Lunatic.

i dropped her off at my dad's place at about 5 because i have to leave a an ungodly hour tomorrow morning and didn't want to have to fuss with her morning routine and then get me out the door in time. but i miss her! it's so weird. i didn't believe Sands when she said i would grow to love Luna. i laughed at all of those crazy dog people that talked about their dogs all the time. i don't talk about her very much but when i walked to my car after dropping her off, i started to tear up. i didn't actually cry, but i got emotional. i guess it doesn't help that i am very anxious about leaving her with my dad.

i called him about an hour or so later and asked him how she was. he said she played with him for a little while, but then she went to her kennel and won't come out. it breaks my heart. i think he's a little put off too. he doesn't take rejection well. i wonder where i get it from.

i assured him that she would be out of sorts for a couple of days but by monday, she'd be fine. i hope i'm not lying.

surface

i really shouldn't read into things. but i do.

our cute little associate, Bertrand, was away again last Friday. he had gone up to Whistler the weekend before and then before that had taken a personal day because he was feeling stressed. i call him "delicate". he's adorable.

there was a recurring event in my calendar that he was to be looking after but i wasn't sure if it was a past event or something coming up. i sent him an e-mail just asking whether or not he had dealt with it. i got the bounce back email saying he was away until monday and wouldn't have access to his e-mail. i didn't think too much of it.

ten minutes later, i get a message from him from his brand new BlackBerry, saying he had dealt with the matter. because i like to flirt with him, even though he's 8 years my junior in age and about 15 years my junior in how he acts sometimes, i sent him a note back that said something like, "thanks. i'll delete the rest of these reminders. miss your smiley face today. the office is dark without you. have a good weekend." i received no response back. i didn't think much of it either.

on tuesday, i was in the lunchroom with Sands and she said, "so, was that Bertran's dad that died?" whuh? she explained that he had apparently been back east on the weekend and that she had seen an obit in the paper with a guy who shared the same last name as Bertrand and listed Bertrand as a surviving child. when i got home, i did my own internet search and found the obit.

he looks just like his dad. i felt so bad for him. no one should lose their parent at 25 and the obit said that it was a sudden death. it must've been a heart attack or something.

anyway, that was last night. i was trying to get to sleep and something was just gnawing at me. and then i realized, it was the cheeky e-mail i sent to Bertrand on friday. i told him to have a good weekend for crying out loud! i knew he wouldn't take it the wrong way as really, he hadn't told anyone why he was away. he didn't even mention it when he got back. i'm not even sure his assistant knows why he was gone. but because i'm me i couldn't let it go.

i sent him an email on facebook (we're not friends, but i've sent him a message before at Christmas - flirty, of course). it said, "had i known why you were away on friday, i never would've sent you such a cheeky message. i'm very sorry for your loss. if you need an ear, i have two."

i didn't see him at all today and didn't get a response until after i got home from choir. it said, and i quote, "no worries. hearing from you, even in a cheeky manner, brings a smile to my face (wow, that is cheesy)."

is that sweet or what? but, uh, do you think he's being flirty too? he doesn't normally, which is fine. i've determined that since i'm a full generation older than him that i can sexually harrass him without much worry.

in my twisted head, of course, i see it as he's finally realizing that i'm the perfect woman for him, now that he sees i'm interested in someone else. in reality, it's just because he's such a sweet guy. ah, fantasy.

i remember

i remember why i don't like to crush on people (for real) at work. when something adverse happens...anything...i get mopey and miserable.

today, i received confirmation that my Crush is switching offices. not sure when, but it's going to happen. you'd think it was because he somehow ended up in the spare, corner-office. no student or associate should get a corner office. and yet, he's moving to Mon's old office, which is a corner office. just on the opposite corner to me.

it made me wonder whether the move was precipitated by the fact that he's always chatting with me. perhaps the partner that sits near us that often catches us chatting (albeit always about work, because he hasn't figured out how to chat with me about anything else) has caught on that there's a bit of interest on both of our parts. (not convinced about the interest on his part, or perhaps i don't want to get my hopes up). in any event, when i heard about it, i got really sulky. for once, it didn't last long, but it did happen.

i even went so far as to say to him before i left, "so, you're moving??" and he said, "yeah, you didn't know? i don't know when, but Scrooge told me i was moving. he said as much as he liked having me down here, i had to go!" curious.

what this means for me is that i'll have to try harder when it comes to flirting with him. we went out for lunch the other day (because i asked him) and i'm getting more and more comfortable with him, just chatting and teasing him about stuff. i whined at him today (my first whine!) that it felt like i hadn't seen him all day, he'd been so busy.

my worst fear, of course, is that once they hire the new girl (because the new girl has given her notice and so they have to hire a new girl to replace the new girl), they'll end up hiring someone cute and his age and much more forward than i am (it'll be like history repeating itself, over and over again), and they'll end up dating and of course, because it's me, he'll end up marrying her. oy. and i wonder why i've avoided dating for so long.

well, i have some time to work on it. oh wait, i leave for Mexico in four work days! i wonder if he'll miss me while i'm gone. or if i'll have any candy left in my candy dish when i get back. i'm quite certain he's the candy thief, but that's okay with me.

and so it begins. again.

inspiration

i was taking the Lunatic out for her last evening walk and as she sniffed the grass, i looked up to the tree above me. it's a cherry blossom tree in bloom. i adjusted my eyes to see the pale pink blooms contrast against the blue-black sky and thought, "i need to write a haiku." so i did:

With my eyes skyward
Blossoms against the dark sky
Pink arms outstretched

it's not much, but it's a reminder that i don't need to be depressed to write poetry. inspiration is all around me!

i kind of miss writing poetry. my running joke (to myself, because no one ever asks me why i don't write poetry anymore!) is that i used to write a lot of poetry, but now i'm much happier.

i've always been about writing when inspired and maybe this means i'm ready to be inspired again.

money talks

why do i do it? Mon's last day at the firm was on friday and we had a long talk at the end of the day about the partners and the firm. the new firm she's going to is paying her 40% more than she makes where i am. and it made me think: are they underpaying me too?

cut to saturday night nachos with the Duckster and A. i knew i couldn't just out and ask the Duckster how much money she made because she's very private about that stuff. however, she also doesn't like to know that people are getting screwed over when they deserve more. so i hedged a bet and started talking about Mon and how much more she'd be making and how i wondered what i should be making. she out and out told me what she makes and A chimed in with her salary (although hers isn't comparable to mine as we don't work in the same area of law and she has years more experience as a legal secretary than i do). they both make about $12,000.00 a year more than me. i think that's substantial. no wonder A can afford to travel so much!

Duckster also told me what her bonus was last year and again, over $3000.00 more than i got, and i thought i got a lot. now, i think her bonus was a lot but fuuuuuuuuuucck. she made a lot more too.

all day, i've been thinking about how if i don't get a raise this year and i don't get a bonus, then that's it. i was saddened to hear how Mon was treated by the partners in the last two weeks (it was like a bad breakup where you still had to deal with each other - very petty and childish behaviour on some of the partners' parts). is the firm as good as i think it is or are my glasses extra rosy?

i may not get much of a raise this year, if at all (although i should, because i'm at 5 years now), but i should damn well get a good bonus. i practically billed my entire salary last year - they got all my hard work for free, basically. they owe me something big.

i guess we'll see. i hate that i get hung up on this stuff. it should be good enough that i love my job and most of the people i work with. but it sucks that i can only just cover bills and make paltry contributions to various savings and RRSPs, having only a little left over for the week for incidentals.

then again, you can't take any of it with you so why get hung up on the fact that i can't buy more clothes or more purses or more shoes. i don't have anywhere to put them anyway.

but if i made more money, i could buy a bigger place and have more storage. sigh.

junk

i was watching my favorite CBC program, The Hour, with Strombo (i love him) and he did this quickie report about how addictive junk food really is. something to do with rats and how the control rats didn't go for the healthy food when the red light was on because they knew they would get a shock but the experiment rats would continually get shocked, even though they knew they were going to, because they were jonesing so bad for the crap.

i totally get it. i always say, "okay, you know what, i'm just going to finish this bag of mini- Reeses peanut butter cups because then i can just start afresh." but then the PBCs turn into a pint of ice cream or a bag of chips and all of a sudden, i'm struggling to do up my pants again.

no, no, my friend. i must stop now. just as soon as i finish this bag of mini creme eggs. seriously, there's only two left. ugh, weekly weigh in time. this is not going to be pretty.

cocky

i'm eating again. it's because i fit into shit that i haven't been able to wear in years. so somehow, that tells my mind that i need to start eating junky food again. it doesn't help that it's Easter and all of my favorite junky chocolates are available at every turn. i've been doing jumping jacks and shadow sparring in between commercial breaks (because i'm also just sitting on my arse watching TV while i eat), just to feel like i haven't completely lost motivation.

it doesn't help that i stopped recording what i eat everyday. i'm still doing my sunday evening weigh-in and recording my measurements, but i was far more careful about what i ate when i had to remain conscious of it.

at least i've selected healthy choices for easter dinner, that i'm preparing for my parents. roast, salmon, yams, carrots. i need some green in there too so i think i'll do asparagus.

it doesn't help that i have a bad cold so taking Luna for her walks has been reduced to up and down the block again because i'm having trouble keeping my breath. that and i have to blow my nose every half block.

not excuses, just reasons. and now i can start over again. just as soon as i finish this bag of mini-creme eggs.

sweats

i'm sick. i struggled into work this morning (against my gut feeling that i should stay home) and ended up leaving at 10. slept on the couch for a good part of the early afternoon and then read and hydrated for the rest of the day.

when i got dressed this morning, i put on tights under my pants (unheard of) because i was cold. i had a tank top under my sweater. by 9 am, i was in the washroom, peeling my extra layers off because i was sweating. i just thought it was warm. i realized it might be time to go home when i started sweating while sitting in my chair.

i don't recall being this sick for a long time. the last time i called in "sick", i was feeling not great, but i could've gone in. in fact, by 10 am that day, i was feeling better and should've gone in. this time, totally different. i'm achy and sweaty. i sound like Barry White with a cold. i've pretty much emptied out my nasal cavities several times over throughout the day. my nose is raw (and that's using Puffs with Lotion! imagine if i had used regular tissue!). my eyes hurt and are watery. i'm coughing. and i can't hear very well. what?

i'm hoping i feel better tomorrow. i hate missing work.

rugged

i read somewhere that when a woman is on the Pill, she is attracted to men that have more feminine qualities - pretty face, lean body, less hairy. conversely, women who are not on the Pill were supposed to be attracted to the complete opposite type of man - beefy, rugged, hairy. i never believed this theory, until now.

you know my type - blonde, blue-eyed, athletic build, short-cropped hair, clean-shaven. muscular has never been something i've been attracted to.

and yet, my long-standing celebrity obsession has been Dwayne Johnson. my newest crush at work is 6'2", broad and muscular. i've been more attracted to men that have a day's worth of growth on their chin (i went to work today to do some OT and 3 of the men had a day-old beard and each one was sexy in their own right because of it....rawr!).

don't get me wrong - my pretty boys still get my attention. but it's like a switch was flipped in my head and, although i still love to look at them, my belief that pretty boys are the ones I should be dating is no longer that strong. I would look ridiculous next to them! i don't want to compete with who has more hair care products, you know?

i like rugged men now. rugged men, not pretty boys. except my new work-crush is still four years younger than me :)