3 times

on tuesday, i was sitting at my desk at about 8:30, just getting into my day and i felt a presence walk behind me. i looked up into the glass of the picture beside me and saw Crush. before i had time to rub my eyes and ensure i was not seeing things, he said, "hey."

i turned around to face him in total surprise and said, "what are you doing here? don't you have class this morning?" and he said, as he rounded my corner to stand in front of me, "yeah, but i had to get some research." i asked him how things were going and he said he hated it. he gave a brief account of how he had gotten into some "interesting" arguments with his groupmates and i said mockingly, "well, at least you're making friends." he replied with, "apparently i don't like to be wrong..." i then wished him a good day and he walked off.

he hadn't been by since a couple of weeks ago when he had to change into his suit for one of his oral exams. i made a concerted effort since then not to contact him on FB, and began to get used to not seeing him everyday. in fact, the last day i saw him a couple of weeks ago, i had met a couple of my single girlfriends for dinner that night and they convinced me that he was totally playing me. i knew they were wrong, as he really is too thick to be that clever, but i knew they were right when they said i had to move the candy dish to spot on my desk where, if he happened to come by and get candy, i wouldn't have to face him. so i did.

fast forward to yesterday. again, sitting at my desk in the afternoon, working away, and i look up at the glass in the picture again and i see Crush. says he's returning a book he borrowed the other day to finish his paper. i think that's a fair excuse, no?

when he was in yesterday, Sands invited him to the lawyers' appreciation lunch that happened today. he said he likely wouldn't be able to make it but he'd try. he didn't make it. but come 5:15 pm when the after-work drinks group is breaking up and some people are starting to leave, who do i hear in the kitchen? Crush. he didn't come in to say hi, but i poked my head in his door to see if he was there but he was nose-deep in a book. i decided to wait and see whether he'd come find me.

i was one of the last people to leave tonight. i made sure that i bid a loud adieu in the main hallway to a couple of people that left before me, so that Crush would likely hear me. i went to grab my stuff and log off my computer. five minutes later as i am about to walk through the library to get to the elevators, guess who's standing there, reading a book.

i feign surprise, and stop on the other side of the table from him. i ask him what he's doing there and he says he's doing research for a paper he has to finish by monday. i would have thought nothing of it until he said, "yeah, i decided to do my research here so i could avoid signing in at the law library." really? that's the only reason why? come on! we chat a bit more, make a couple of eyes at each other, and i even managed a flirty-flirty smack on the hand and a "shut up!" when he said that the only reason people were crying during my speech was because i was making them sit through a speech. (NB they weren't actually crying. i just told him they were because it was a damn good speech)

maybe this ignoring thing is working. or maybe he really is just doing research. time will tell.

what to do?

i need new friends. except, the new friends i do have aren't as fun as my "old" friends so i don't like to go out with them as much. but my old friends don't like to go out, period. what's a girl to do?

i don't think it's that they don't want to go out. i think it's more that as adults, we just have so much more on our plate than we did ten years ago. but does everything have to centre around going for coffee/dinner/drinks? can't we head to a football game between our rival universities? get together for game night? bake cookies?

okay, i don't really know what girlfriends are supposed to do now that we're passed the bar stage. i have one girlfriend who spends her free time looking at condos. another who's just starting up a new relationship. a third who is studying for a big qualifying exam so doesn't have a lot of free time and when she does, she has a lot of other friends she spends that time with.

i miss having a best friend. i don't think i've really had one since i was in elementary school. i've have close friends, partners-in-crime, girlfriends, etc. but not a best friend. no one i feel the need to talk to every single day. no one i feel i need to share every single piece of news with. actually, i guess the last best friend i had, by the above-definition, was the Ex. that was still 9 years ago.

perhaps i've just turned so far in that i don't know how to turn out again. i sometimes feel like when i talk or tell people stories or share news, that they're only half listening. i sometimes think it's the way i relate information - maybe i spend too much time setting up the story so by the time i get to the meat of it, no one cares anymore. i don't know. but it's gotten to the point where i just don't bother talking about everyday news. it has to be news or information that is really eating at me to be worthy of sharing. and then, i over-share and over-analyze. no happy medium.

i also considered, and was one click away from paying for, another session of speed-dating. it is to happen tomorrow and it's only $20. i figure i'd like to get out and just date, seeing as my friends need 4 - 6 weeks notice to plan anything as organized as a dinner or movie (not that we go to movies either). the age range was 25 - 35, and i realized that i was on the other end of that scale. i would have signed up, but something was nagging at me inside to just leave it for now.

i guess i'll just have to start my smile campaign again. maybe this time it'll get me somewhere.

hopeless

the title of this post is a lot less happy than i'd like it to be, but it's how i'm feeling. but not in a bad way. or at least, not in a way that is making me feel bad.

i had a complete and utter meltdown on friday night. have i said that recently? anyway, i was out walking the Lunatic at about 11:30 and was feeling like i was going to cry. like, sob. and not in a hormonal way. so, we took the elevator up from the basement and, because it was 11:30 on a friday night, i felt it should be safe to let one or two tears fall. after all, the elevator is about 50 feet from my front door. who was going to be in the hallway?

of course, my next-door neighbour, and the only male on my side of the floor, was just coming out of his door just as we were walking down the hall and my tears started to flow a little more freely. he always does this cute wave at me, and he didn't disappoint on friday night. i don't think he noticed i was crying. i tried to wipe away as many of the more-than-two tears that fell before he turned to look at me and he was walking in the other direction, down the other set of stairs, so he didn't have to walk right by me to see me. i managed a weak, "hey," to counter his cute-wave, and then ducked into my apartment.

and then i lost it. it was a mixture of grief and disappointment and anger and hopelessness. not a lot of positive feelings. but it was a good cry. and a long cry. and it hurt. but it's one of those cries you have when you are completely honest with yourself. and i was, for once. a rarity, but it does happen every now and then.

i am introspective - we all know this. so i know in my head that the way things happen in life aren't the way things are actually happening. like, objects in the rear-view mirror are not as close as they seem. but it takes a long, long time for that knowledge to reach and be understood and accepted by my heart.

i knew Crush wasn't going to do anything to keep in touch while he was gone for these ten weeks. i *knew* that. i *KNEW* that. but my heart hoped. and it wished. and it prayed that he would keep in touch. and for the first week and a half, he did. but then he stopped. and i told everyone i had given up. but i hadn't. and i knew i couldn't. and i didn't. and i continued to hope.

well, all hope flowed out of my heart and through my eyes in the form of a waterfall of tears on friday and now, i know. and i feel. and i get it. it doesn't make it any less sucky, but at least i feel it now.

the myers-briggs type indicator has always classified me as a "feeler" and not a "thinker", although everytime i've taken the test, i think they've both been pretty close in score (unlike my introversion v. extraversion, which is always heavily sided towards ... you guessed it, introversion). it's not like there is a disconnect between my head and my heart - there's just a slower connection. like, my head is working on a super-DSL and my heart is connected to it via dial-up rotary phone. eventually the two connect, just not at the same time.

am i feeling better about Crush and the hopelessness of the situation? yes, but only because i will drive myself crazy if i don't.

incidentally, a blast from the past friended and emailed me on FB last week. Casanova, whose comments about my blog prompted me to start this new, more "unsearchable" one, basically felt i was too much of a headcase and decided he didn't want to continue to see me (we had gone out on about three or four dates). that was the pot calling the kettle black, if i ever met a kettle. he had problems with everything to do with me - i didn't drink, i lived at home, i overthought everything, i didn't live in the city, i posted my thoughts on a blog.

i had a problem that he never kissed me, and then blamed me for it. headcase indeed.

anyway, i check my email last wednesday and who should send me a message but Casanova. i didn't prompt it and was shocked by it. okay, not shocked, but definitely surprised. basically, he said i had just "popped into his head" and he decided to say hi. really? after five years?

i relayed the story to BabyMan and he immediately gasped, "he wants you back! don't screw this up."

i will not overthink this one. but if he really did just want to say hi, why did he ask to be a friend too? and, a whole six minutes after he sent me the message [cue dramatic music]. oh stop.

anyway, i asked him how things were and what was new and he mentioned, in this order: his new dog, work, martial status and parental status. i thought that was really interesting, from a psychological and sociological standpoint. i would have gone with: work, home ownership, friend activities, and then martial status. i wouldn't even mention kids, furry or otherwise. interesting what people find important and how they classify their lives, eh?

oh, and in case you were wondering, it's hopeless with him too. "hopeless" is my new "fugetaboutit".