minefield of weirdness

i told BabyMan about the Ex's e-mail to me and his very first reaction, after the wide-eyed stare of disbelief, was, "Don't even go there."

i guess if i were to take the figurative step back and see it from someone else's point of view, i would question why, after 7 years of absolute zero contact, he would choose to send me an e-mail. it is very possible that he's been looking me up on facebook for awhile now (well, so have i but him doing it is much more surprising and perhaps a bit dramatic). has he been thinking about me all this time? or perhaps just since last spring, when i saw him at the casino? incidentally, he saw me too that night. he just didn't know how to approach me or what to say, so he didn't. we've been trading messages back and forth, just catching up on each other's lives. it's funny because i have no problem throwing out question after question - how's the family? how long have you been married? do you have kids yet? where are you working now? and all he could ask, and almost sheepishly, was, "do you still have your Civic?" then he said that he felt weird asking me personal questions. i think that's weird. everything about this is a bit weird.

and the last question i asked him? "so, why contact me after 7 years?" a girl's gotta know, right?

once again, i'm dreading the drive to the okanagan this weekend. i have my CDs all planned but ugh... four hours of driving is not my idea of fun. at least i'll get to chill out at my B&B when i get there. and at least i'll be away from here!

on my own

i don't know what happened, but it appears my angels have decided that i need to figure life out on my own. i've asked them a number of things over the past few days, but i don't get the definitive answer from them like i did when i first was shown now to communicate with them. i guess the questions i've been asking them have been about how i feel about other people, rather than what i should do about me. either that, or they want me to do a lot of different things because they're saying 'yes' to all of my questions. weird.

i'm looking forward to my time away next weekend. yes, it will be with a bunch of rowdy and raucous friends but hopefully the presence of children will keep it more at a family-event level than the constant barrage of sex references it turns out to be. don't get me wrong - i like a good double entendre any day, but when it's all penis, all the time, it gets a bit sophomorish and boring. it's why i stay at a b&b and not at my friend's house. at least i can spend time away from the seemingly never-ending sexual references. and it's not even like the culprits are sex-starved - they get it more often in one night than most people get it in a year. over-sexed and over-loud. a bad combination.

okay, maybe i'm just looking forward to not being here, then.

spooky

i was a little blue last night and of course, when i'm down, i look for pictures of my exes. i was on the Ex's mom's facebook page and found a picture of him with his parents and wife on their wedding day. i don't know how long ago they got married but if he still looks like that, well then i don't feel so bad about packing on a few pounds. he doesn't even look like the same guy. it made me happy :)

i went to bed after that and it was probably about 11 or so. i wake up this morning and have a message from the Ex that says, "Poke :)" WTF! do you think he has some sort of program that says who is searching for him? if so, i'd like that program!! it's just so weird and even now, i'm still a bit creeped out by the whole coincidence. i'll send a message back because i'm dying to know how he is but i'll wait until tomorrow. i have loads of things to do today and couldn't possibly formulate a proper response to such an eloquent e-mail as the one he sent me.

if you can't play mind games with your Ex, then why have an Ex at all?? ;)

tasteless

this taste bud issue is disheartening. not that i haven't said that already.

my grandma's birthday party was scheduled for yesterday but it didn't happen - my aunt is sick so it has been postponed til next week. having already purchased all the ingredients for my favorite dessert that has no trace of chocolate in it, i decided to make the strawberry cheesecake trifle anyways. i carefully sliced each strawberry. i whipped the cream cheese and icing sugar until it was smooth and spreadable. i tore the angel food cake into bite sized pieces. i carefully layered everything and placed it in the refrigerator to cool. i didn't even have any until this morning. and how was it? salty. MF.

and then, i'm quite certain it was the strawberries and cream cheese that gave me the migraine i've been nursing since yesterday. okay, i did make myself a small spoonful with the leftover mix and strawberries yesterday. and then i got a headache. WTF.

and because of the dairy, my tum is bloated so i'm feeling frustrated with the weight even though i know it's artificial girth growth. argh. i'm bringing the damn trifle with me to work tomorrow, although i have no idea if it's any good or not (did i put enough icing sugar? is there enough cake? is there too much sour cream?). oh well, someone will eat it. someone always eats it if you leave it on the counter. heh, heh, heh.

rebel

after being bombarded with dozens upon dozens of E-Harmony commercials, both on TV and on the radio, i decided to fill out their questionnaire, mostly to get my personality profile.

i was instantly matched up with 12 guys with great profiles. the catch? unlike lavalife, you both have to be subscribers to communicate with each other (i.e. no freebies). i got a few requests to "exchange first questions" but i couldn't send them my answers because i wasn't a subscriber. at that point, i turned off the matching because i figured there was no point in being matched up with other guys if i couldn't communicate with them. then, i went to their subscription page thinking that i would pay the $20 for a month-long subscription just so i could meet a couple of the guys. well, the $20 subscription was the bulk deal - i'd have to sign up for 6 months to get that price! month-to-month was $60. i'd rather buy a pair of shoes, thanks.

instead, in the last question box, which was, "is there anything else you'd like your matches to know about you?" i said, "yes, my e-mail address is ...." and filled in one of my many web-based addresses. the next day, i get an "urgent" message saying that i had violated one of the terms of the agreement (i.e. i put my e-mail address in my profile!) and that they had turned off the matching feature and wouldn't turn it back on until i wrote to them, 'splaining why i violated the agreement. i thought, "big deal, i already turned off the matching." if my matches are smart, they'll read over my profile one more time before they close the match :)

did i mention that i haven't been able to taste anything properly for about two weeks now? it's certainly helping with my weight loss as i'm just so disheartened by the fact that everything tastes either salty or like nothing at all that i've decided only to eat when i am about to pass out. any other reason is pointless. i went to the doctor yesterday and she couldn't figure out what the cause was either. she told me to monitor the condition for another few weeks and if it didn't improve, then she would send me to a neurologist to get some tests done. i googled the symptoms and all i got were people with a salty taste in their mouth. i have a perpetual sweet taste in my mouth but when i eat chocolate (which i do a lot...at least, i used to), it tastes salty. in fact, almost everything tastes salty. but if it's not salty, then it is bland and tasteless. sad. so sad. the ironic part is that i've been trying to cut down on my salt intake because of the high-blood pressure incident a month ago. incidentally, they took my blood pressure and it's normal and so is my heartbeat. weirdness.

but if i had to see the silver lining in all of this (and there are a few), one would be that i'm going to drop some weight. guaranteed. the other is that it's not my sight or hearing that is affected. if i stopped being able to see and hear, then i don't think life would be worth living for much longer after that. it's not like i'm a gourmet who can taste individual spices and flavourings in a dish. i just like what i like. but if i couldn't listen to my music anymore or people watch, that would be tragic. i guess we all have our favorite senses. those would be my two.

i was entering a contest on www.concierge.com last night and boy, was i waxing poetic when submitting my entries! it made me think that i should start writing again. it's like i go in cycles - sometimes i can write and write and it's effortless. then all of a sudden i go into a slump and i can barely string a sentence together.

there's so much i want to do with the rest of my life, career-wise. in a way, it's unfortunate that i grew up so comfortable, because i don't know how to be uncomfortable. i had a small, tiny taste of that "living hand-to-mouth" feeling when i first moved out on my own and it sucked. i hated it. i feel like i'm now at a place in my life where i am comfortable on my own and i don't want to do anything to mess with that. but i'm having the school yearnings again. and i think if i ignore this one, it will be the big regret of my life. granted, i feel like that with every action i decide against but this one...well, i think this one is the real deal. so much so that i don't want to tell anyone about it because i think this one is it.

my dining room table is a mess.

brick wall

why?

i'm chatting online with my cousin's girlfriend. they've been dating for almost 9 years and they've just gotten back together after another breakup over the "M" word. so i ask her whether they've started talking about it now that they're back together (because, what's the point in getting back together if you're not going to talk marriage, right?). she said that it was far too soon to be talking about marriage and that they're still trying to heal over the last bought of drama. huh?

then i asked her about how her fitness thing was going (because after they broke up, she started working out to get some aggression out and found out she loved it so she was going to take a personal trainer course and some day open up a gym), and she said that she had kind of loss her interest in it. but now she's looking into a real estate course or perhaps something else. she's still trying to find herself. whuh?

i know, i know. i have been there and i have done that and i could write the book about all the emotions that go with it. but because i've been there, i know. whatever version of herself she found when they were apart is being overshadowed by the her that was. it doesn't seem like there's been any growth in the six months they were apart. no growth means no lessons learned!!!

aaargh. why do i care? it's not my life and it doesn't affect me. but it hurts me to hear when people allow themselves to be railroaded - "allowed" being the operative word. BabyMan was telling me about his older brother who is going through a divorce. the brother and his wife are still living in the same house together, but his wife has a boyfriend and doesn't take care of the kids after work because she goes out with her boyfriend so the brother has to stay home with the kids. and when all is said and done, he's leaving the house (which is fully paid off, by the way) with just his clothes and some personal belongings. he's giving her everything. granted, he's doing that so he doesn't have to pay spousal support but that ends eventually!

why, why, why do i care? i spend so much time agonizing over other peoples' relationship mistakes and for what? i can't fix them. i can't tell them what to do. and they wouldn't do it even if i told them. i know people need to make their own mistakes but it kills me to see them making them!

probably a good thing i'm not a parent. my kid would be the most sheltered child ever.

angels

my angels told me i was meant to have a dog and i was meant to have kids. it's complicated.

my mom went to a new-agey seminar with her friend a couple of weeks ago. she was so impressed by the speaker that she booked a private session. when she told me about it, i signed up too. you know how i love that shit.

without getting into details (because i can't tell you much more than what i already have!), i brought seven angels with me in this life. they're here to guide me with the questions i have about the things that are happening in my life. she even showed me how to communicate with them. and the eerie part is, it works. i can't tell you how. it's just weird.

so when i got home from the session, i tried it out. i started off with easy questions, like, "Am I meant to own a dog," and "Will I be a paralegal for the rest of my life." yes and no, in case you were wondering. i'm kind of scared to ask too many questions in case they stop answering me. but i already asked them if i could ask as many questions as i wanted and they said yes. i still won't ask them stupid things, like, "should i buy these shoes" (yes).

but the consultant said that, because i brought so many angels with me this time around, it means that my purpose on earth in this life is to help people. that makes sense. i have an idea of how i'm going to do that, but i have to do a little more research before i begin to really roll i around in my head. you know me - always about the research.

Doc Tardy and i went to see "The Flight of the Red Balloon" at the French Film Festival last week. sitting in the movie, which was very good for what it was, reminded me that i'm not an academic and for the life of me, i should only watch movies that are made for entertainment. when i got home, i had to google reviews to understand what actually happened in the movie. once i read that the balloon represented childhood fancifulness and also the waywardness of life (seriously), it made sense. but it also reminded me why i only watch rom-coms: life is curious and mystical enough and requires far too much thinking. my "escapes" should not be the sam way.

i had a night out with girlfriends on saturday night and it was so much fun. i was suppose to go and see the Howler's show but ended up just hanging out with the girls after dinner, and the rolling to another place for a drink. it was great because i got home at midnight and it felt like i had a full night. i'm finally starting to learn that a "night out" no longer means Denny's at 2 am for breakfast after the bar and then sleeping until noon on sunday. most importantly, it's okay that i'm home and in bed before the coach turns into a pumpkin!

hard to believe that the august long weekend is almost upon us. that means penticton! and then three weeks after that, san francisco! and then after that, i still have seven days of vacation left. don't ask, i don't know how i did it either. wait, yes i do. it was on my envisioning wish list for work :) this shit really works.