projection

i don't think i actually want a dog. i mean, i love dogs but i don't think i actually want one of my own. i don't think it has to do with a fear of commitment (although it does strike the fear of God into me when i think of taking care of something sentient other than myself). i think it has more to do with greed and self-interest than anything else. i've always wanted a dog. always, for my entire life. and yet i still don't have one. there's nothing and no one holding me back from getting one of my own and yet, i haven't done very much about it. i could've lied to the SPCA and told them i lived in a house with a big fenced yard and had a roommate that worked from home all the time. but i didn't. i told the truth because i knew the truth would prevent me from getting a dog. i'm sabotaging this because i don't feel it's right. why get a dog to curb my own feelings of loneliness (such that they are), only to have the dog be lonely because i'm never here? not fair. not right. no dog.

i am thinking of starting a vision board. i mean, i think i kind of have one started already (it has dogs on it). i think i just have to abandon all doubt that projecting what i want will bring me what i want, because subconsciously, i don't think i believe it. i was watching Harpo today and she had Louise Hay on again, talking about the law of attraction. i think i practice the law of attraction everyday, but i don't think i do it wholeheartedly with certain things and probably because i don't want to be disappointed if and/or when i don't get what i projected for. that's sort of detrimental to the law of attraction. that's the law of detraction. and that's not what i want.

i gotta throw it all out there - body, mind and soul. i have to let the universe know what i want - what i really want, and not just what i think i want because i've always wanted it - so that it will bring it to me. so that i can attract it. so that it will come to me. or whatever other manifestation of getting there is. i have to believe i deserve it and i have to really want it.

but first, i have to take the dogs down from my vision board.

channeling carrie

i saw "sex and the city" tonight with a bunch girls from work. it was so much fun. we got there late so i was irritated (of course) because we were supposed to get there 30 minutes before but the restaurant took so long (with 10 orders, yeah, i think so) and then paying (does anyone have change?) and then the mixup with the tickets (will-call means you pick up the tickets - you can't just bring the printout and expect them to let you in). but we sat down (in the fourth row up from the gigangic screen) and the screen went dark and that oh-so-familiar piano tinkling and carrie-voice-over came on and i relaxed. it was so fun just sitting there with girlfriends, gasping at outrageous outfits and trying not to cry when Big messed up everything...again. i miss that. i miss having girlfriends.

as i sit here, typing away at my computer, not more than 24 minutes before i officially turn 32, i can't help but wonder why it had to change. why boyfriends and husbands and children and work became more important than girlfriends. why it's so difficult for people who live within 30 minutes driving distance of each other to get together once a month - a month! why when we do get together, it's more of a bitch session about how ungrateful their children are or how lazy their husbands are than catching up with each other's lives. i guess that's it. that is their life. and since life is about change, so change is a part of life. and i welcome change.

i was rejected by an SPCA partner today. it's ironic that i want to adopt a dog from the SPCA because it means i'm not supporting puppy mills and irresponsible breeders, but the SPCA won't let me adopt a dog because they don't feel i can take care of one. so, i have to go to a breeder instead. i don't get it. but i do.

eleven minutes. how did i get to 32? i still feel like i'm 25. that's a good thing.

here's to another great year. and to girlfriends that help make it that much better.

hesitation

so, the breeder that Mon got her dogs at is selling some of her adults. i e-mailed the breeder and asked about both. she's selling them for $400 each (Mon says i should get both, because two is better than one).

i was going to send the breeder another email, asking whether she would consider loaning out the dogs to me over a weekend, just so i could see how they were and see whether we got along. as i was about to press "send" on the e-mail, a wave of anxiousness passed over me and i quickly backed the mouse cursor away.

i shouldn't be spending $400 on a dog right now (or $400 plus if i get the havanese, which is the one i'd want). i have my house insurance due at the end of the month, my property taxes have increased, i just spent $500 on a new timing belt for the Blue Bunny and i'm anticipating that my brakes will need to be done in the next few months two (after all, i'm still running on the original, 7+ year old brakes!). i have a holiday coming up in penticton that i'd have to cancel my b&b and bunk with my friend (and all the rest of her guests). i'd have to re-consider my trip to Prague and Vienna next Christmas. excuse, excuses...

just because i've always wanted something, doesn't mean i should get it. i've always wanted a dog and i've been waiting until i got out on my own to get one. i've been on my own for almost three years and no dog. not even a hint of one. my life would change so much if i got one. i'd have to come home right after work every day (no hanging out after work or stopping off somewhere before i came home). i'd have to get up even earlier to take the dog out for a morning walk. i'd have to find someone to take care of him whenever i went away somewhere that i couldn't take him (although, no shortage of dog-sitters with the people i work with!). the cost of maintaining a dog. what happens if he gets sick? i'd get pet insurance but pets are expensive. there's food and routine checkups that aren't covered by insurance. there's so much stuff. i can't be a SINK and own a dog!

i asked my dad if he wanted one. he immediately said no. i'm pretty certain, though, that if i got a dog, he'd soon be coming by to take it for a walk when he got home from work, every now and then. eventually, it would probably become his. maybe that's the solution. he'd eventually take it over so he wasn't lonely anymore, and i'd have a dog in my life but not full-time.

it's still going to cost me $400.

dancing machine

i signed up for a "bollywood jazz" class at the local rec centre and have been attending classes now for four weeks (two more classes to go). it's taught the "students" of the most sought-after bollywood choreographer today and my teacher, whose name i can't remember, is fricking awesome. he's a 5'3" Indian firecracker who is such an awesome teacher. i love this class so much, i've already signed up for the summer session, which is two classes a week for three weeks. you know how much i love this class? the summer sessions are on tuesdays and fridays, from 18:40 to 19:40. i am having so much fun!

other classes i've taken, whether it be for exercise or for interest, i always attend the first few sessions and skip the last few because i've lost interest. i can't imagine skipping this class. i'd miss out on all the fun!

i loved the bellydancing class i took last fall, but eventually stopped going to that. singing i really, really enjoyed but skipped at least one of those classes too. i can't believe i've finally found something that i love...i mean actually LOVE!

i also signed up for "cuban salsa" lessons in the summer, which also fall in the weeks of my bollywood classes. basically, i'll be dancing four out of five weekdays for three straight weeks. if i don't drop an inch or two after that, i'll have to consider liposuction.

on another note, i found out today that my cousin's ex-girlfriend (at least, i think she's still an ex, but you never know) is going with his family (heck, our whole family, except for my clan) to the Philippines for a cousin's wedding. color me confused, but i think that's kind of weird. i obviously don't know the back-story to all of this but perhaps i won't understand even if i did.

kind of like Mon and her loser of a boyfriend. he's finally moved out of her apartment (she kicked him out for cheating on her and lying to her about it...thrice), but she's still seeing him, still helping him out with his two legal matters (criminal and family - double whammy), still figuratively banging her head against the solid concrete wall. why do women do it?

i think i've been out of the game too long, but i do still understand that women do things in relationships that stymie those outside of those relationships. we know why they do it. we just can't understand why they do it. why they would put themselves through that. why????

i need to be more understanding or, at the very least, less judgmental. i've done a lot of stupid things in my past so I can't really talk. but then again, perhaps that's why i do talk - so that other people don't end up making the same mistakes i did.

and yet, then again, it's their mistake to make, just as it was mine.

sigh.