full-figured

i borrowed a book from the library the other day called, "The Science of Sexy", by bradley bayou, stylist to the stars. i didn't bother actually reading the book, cover to cover. instead, i looked to see what my shape was (rectangle) and looked on the height/weight chart to see what color i fit under so i could flip to the three pages that would tell me what i should and shouldn't wear. when i did so, i skimmed the pages, looked at the pictures and decided that, for the most part, i was dressing in the right shapes for my body. then, i looked at the beginning page of my section and it said, "Rectangle, Full-Figured." i paused and thought about it. i flipped through the rest of the book and tried to find what else i could have been. i found "petite" and "medium" descriptions and the back of the book was all "plus-sized". i was stymied. i went back to the height/weight chart and subtracted about 30 lbs from where i was, found the color and flipped to that page - "Rectangle, Medium". there was nothing between "medium" and "full-figured". it then occurred to me: i'm full-figured. i'm not medium anymore!

you know that show, "how to look good naked?" they do a "figure line-up" where models of a certain shape and general size, on each end of the size spectrum, line up and the subject-guest has to place herself where she thinks she is on the scale? she almost always picks at least three sizes bigger than she actually is (i.e. women's body perceptions are skewed). if i were on that show, i'd place myself where i thought i fit in, and they would have to do a re-take because carson kressley can't say, "no, honey, you're not that thin."

honestly, in my mind's eye, i still think i look like i did when i was 21. i get dressed in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "i still look the same. why don't thost damn pants fit me then?" it shocks me sometimes to see myself in pictures because i don't think i've gained that much size. but i have. i really have.

i picked up another book at the library, totally unrelated to fashion, called "Everyday Commitments - Choosing a Life of Love, Realism, and Acceptance", by david richo. when i skimmed through it, i decided to borrow it because i thought i had picked up on the premise - make a commitment to yourself everyday and keep it. if you can keep a commitment to yourself, then you can be committed to other things in your life too.

when i got down to reading it, i was different than i thought. it's still something i am going to practice, but it had nothing to do with keeping particular commitments to the self. but i'm still stuck on that thought. after all, i can keep promises to other people but i can't keep them to myself. why do i not think i'm worthy of keeping a commitment to?

so, here is my commitment to myself: i'm going to make better efforts to trim down and get myself back into shape. i'll never look like heidi klum, but then again, it's not my job to look model-perfect everyday. but i can look more like i did two years ago...or seven years ago...or maybe even ten years ago. i just have to believe that i am worthy of that promise.

i think i am.

thinking, feeling and being

i'm not fat. but somedays, i feel like i am. it's not the same as being fat. i wish people would realize that.

feeling you are something, thinking your are something and being something are sometimes three different things. somedays, as we all know, i feel crazy. but (most days) i'm not.

i was reading a back-post on my favorite blog and in one of her posts, she complained that because of the cold weather and the clothes she had to wear to keep warm, she felt fat. the first comment was something to the effect of, "take it from a big woman whose had a lot of therapy to come to grips with he weight - you're not fat." no, she didn't say she was fat - she said she felt fat. different.

i got an e-mail from a former classmate and fellow paralegal today. she must have had her annual salary review because she asked us all what a 3 year paralegal should be making. she said her HR person lowballed her (although she didn't give a number), but she thinks she should be making about $50 to 60K. i hate this, because i've recently accepted my own salary as what i should be earning, and now someone is suggesting that i should be making more.

like i told her in my response e-mail, it really all depends on the type of work you do, the level of experience you've gained, the type of law you work in and what is actually expected of you. i don't work overtime or weekends or take work home with me. i don't have a billable target for the year. and i'm going to be getting flex days. so the fact that i'm making a comfortable salary that happens to be under $50K sucks, but may very well be fair. let's face it - i don't have to work very hard and i have a lot of pull at my firm. i have a very good reputation and i don't want a war-over-wages to ruin that. at the same time, if i know that all of my friends from class are making more than i am, there is something fundamentally wrong with that.

i think i make enough. i feel i should make more. i don't know if i make what is actually fair.

luckily, i'm still very chill from my holidays, so nothing's really bothering me right now. what a difference a vacation makes. before i left, i was stumbling into work five or ten minutes late and leaving as soon as practically possible after 4pm (provided my 6.5 hours were duly recorded). now, i've been into work happily about 7:45 each morning, leaving equally happily at about 4:30 or 5. i think the exercise helps, but i think the brain vacation helped more.

i need to do it more often!