sometimes, i feel like i'm invisible. i don't know how that works. i'm not short. i'm not a waif. i don't have a complexion that blends into the background. and yet i wonder if people even see me.
i'm not saying this in a philosophical way. i really wonder whether i am just hard to see. i'll be walking down the sidewalk and people will be walking towards me and they'll walk right into me. or, i'll be walking behind someone and, because they're walking slowly i'll try to pass them. but as i am about to even up with them, they veer off their course and walk into my lane and not ever see that i was there. seriously, do people have terrible vision or am i just not making my presence known? my pet peeve.
another pet peeve, since i'm talking about them. last friday, at 4:30, Mon asks me if i want to go with them to playland that night (ie. A, the Ninja and his "friend" and others). i tell her i already have plans and she does the, "oh, come on! come with us!" thing. i actually did have plans but really, i was annoyed that she even asked. i had overheard them all talking about their plans to go to playland since the beginning of last week. they all saw me, they all had the opportunity to to invite me but none of them thought about asking me until the last minute. i don't mind doing spur of the moment things, but not if i was never contemplated in the plans in the first place.
then, her call party. her parents are throwing her a cocktail party to celebrate her call to the bar. i've been overhearing about it for a good couple of weeks now, including who is on the guest list, but haven't been invited myself. that's fine - truly, it is. but then she asks me if i'll babysit her niece so her visiting brother and his wife can attend the party without having to take care of their one-year old too? sorry, i have better things to do. even BabyMan thought that was tacky of her to ask. and he wasn't invited either. in fact, i heard that A wasn't invited. just all of the partners at the firm...and the Ninja, of course.
i've been feeling rather catty lately and kind of restless at work. i have thought for awhile that, if the Ninja announces he's leaving his wife for his 23 year old lover, i'll have to find somewhere else to work. how can i respect someone like that, particularly since he was supposed to leave his wife for our friend??? argh. i hate knowing sometimes.
i've had some great story ideas lately but no computer to work on them. it seems to be working now but i'm not counting on it. i think i'm going to start backing up my files and then i'll shut 'er down for good.
i was looking at pictures of myself that were taking over last weekend. gawd, i've gained a lot of weight. i've determined that i should and could lose 2 lbs every week if i tried and after 3 months, i'd be at my goal weight and then some. but it's hard. eating is one thing; exercising is another. or is it the other way around?
after months and months of nagging me to come visit her, i had plans and was ready to book my ticket to visit Doc Tardy in NY next month. i e-mailed her my dates that i was going to come and she e-mails me back, "that's great! i might be in vancouver at that time but i'll give you my keys and you can stay at my place regardless." WTF? she doesn't get that i was primarily going to visit her. brilliant scientific mind, but not so sharp when it comes to some common sense things. i'd rather save the $600 and visit with her here. oy.
well, i think i should do some exercisin'. gawd knows i need it.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
old soul
months ago, KD told me of her visit to a medical intuitive/healer her mom asked her to go see. she was skeptical and felt the whole new-age, aura cleansing, chakra-aligning movement was a sham, at best. but her mom believed in it so she went to appease her. she was amazed at what happened to her.
she told me about the procedure - the mimed-movements that meant he was ridding her body of past things that were preventing her from moving forward - and i laughed at the absurdity of it. but then she told me the things he said to her - how he asked her questions about events and people that she didn't tell him about. he didn't name names but he wasn't taking a blind stab at things either, hoping that he at least got one thing right. while i don't think she bought into everything he had to say, by the end of the session, she definitely believed there was something to him.
and of course, that made me curious. so i made an appointment to see him. this was at the end of march and my appointment finally came yesterday.
my first e-mails to him increased my skepticism - he had a full-time job working at the airport as a branch manager for a parts company so he only healed on saturdays. a bit sketchy, don't you think? but i went anyway because, if anything, i could at least say i tried it.
the appointment was an hour and a half long. the first 45 minutes, i'd say, were just spent talking. he told me about himself and how he got into healing and then he asked me questions about me, starting with census-type questions (birthday, where do you live, what do you do for a living), then hobbies (reading, writing, music) and then he asked me about what kind of work and personal stress i was feeling. for work, i told him that the only stress i had was that i was no longer sure i had chosen the right career path. he suggested i look into something that aligned more with my interests, like writing. specifically, he suggested i look into technical writing as a career - and as you know, i looked into that months ago. coincidence.
i didn't really know what to answer when he asked me about personal stress. i don't really have any. so i said, "the only thing i am stressed about personally these days is that i'm getting older!" as i expected, he rolled his eyes and laughed. but i then explained why i was stressed about getting old: that subconsciously, i've always seen myself as someone who had always existed. i don't remember much of my childhood so it felt as if it never happened. i live in the present and try hard to look to the future, but it's difficult because i feel as though the future is my present (that makes no sense to you but i understand it in my own head). my stress lies in the fact that, as i am getting older, it is really starting to sink in that i am alive - that i'm a living, breathing person that is going to get old and die one day. a few years ago, i never truly believed that. it felt like i was a character in a movie and on TV that ceased to exist when other people were not around. i know, that's really weird, but i never really saw myself as anything else.
i was frustrated because i couldn't explain it better to him, but he nodded wisely, picked up this necklace-looking thing, held his hand up, closed his eyes, and let the necklace-thing swing freely from his hand. a moment later, he nodded his head, opened his eyes, put the necklace-thing back on the table and said, "you're an old soul, level 7."
i laughed because i've been described as a old soul for most of my adult life. but i said to him, "what exactly does that mean?" he went on to explain the different types of souls (infant, baby, mature, old) and that each soul-type has seven levels. he then showed me a book that i could read if i wanted to learn more about it. but he said that basically, an old soul level 7 (that's me!) has lived upwards of probably 300 past lives and once you get to the level that i am apparently on, life and everything about it seems very ho-hum - like i've lived it all before and why do i need to go out and experience it again? and i laughed again because that's how i feel about most things. he then said to me, rather matter-of-factly, "you've had a pretty easy life, haven't you? haven't had to work too hard for things and haven't had to suffer too much compared to some other people?" and i laughed again and agreed. he said that old souls always come back as something easier because why would they want to live a hard life when they've already lived several dozen lives already? he said i probably had a few karmic issues to deal with in this life (that's why i came back) and then, at the end of my life now, i will either choose to descend to a higher plain (my words, not his) or find yet another life to live. he said that old souls like me are just here on this earth to have some fun, because we've already lived life and experience hardships in previous incarnations. maybe i should start having fun more often!
okay, so maybe he's just good at reading people. maybe he could tell by the way i spoke and carried myself that i'm an old soul. but then, the healing portion began. i didn't tell him anything about me physically. and at one point, he was holding his hands on either side of my stomach and said, "did you have kidney problems in the past? kidney disease or tumours maybe?" i laughed and said, "i only have one." he nodded. he then moved both hands over my left side and said, "but there's a mass of scar tissue surrounding the area where it was supposed to be." at this point, my skepticism melted away. i told him, "well, it's still there but it shriveled up." he said it's still functioning, although obviously not as well as the other one. he also diagnosed my iron deficiency. he didn't see my uterine problems, which i thought was funny, but maybe it's because they were busy working at the time. i am still skeptical, of course, but how on earth could he have known that: a) i had a kidney issues; b) that it was on my left side; c) that it was actually still there but just shriveled up. there's a way to play the odds and make educated guesses but this one was just too weird.
he then told me about a couple of my past lives (which is what i was mostly interested in). i was a balloonist in the first world war and my balloon was shot down by an enemy plane and i fell to the earth in a ball of flames and died on impact. hence, he says, my apprehension of heights and the fear that my house is going to catch fire (doesn't everyone have that fear though?). another life was that of a starving child in Africa. i died in childhoold. he said that was probably why i always made sure i was never hungry (was that a crack at my ever-increasing waistline?!?). i want to know more about my past lives. regardless of whether or not it's true, i think it will help me understand why i am the way i am - all those weird, funny things that i do.
i also had a crying moment where he guessed about something i had suffered in my past. he said that i still had a lot of anger and blame at myself so he was going to "get rid of it" for me so that i could finally open up myself to love and be loved again. an "ah-ha" moment, as harpO would say.
at the end of the session, his disclaimer was simple: the healing process involved a little bit of him, a little bit of a Higher Power, and a whole lot of me. in essence, like any counselling i receive, whether it be from a therapist or self-help book or a healer like him, ultimately it's me that has to do something about it.
she told me about the procedure - the mimed-movements that meant he was ridding her body of past things that were preventing her from moving forward - and i laughed at the absurdity of it. but then she told me the things he said to her - how he asked her questions about events and people that she didn't tell him about. he didn't name names but he wasn't taking a blind stab at things either, hoping that he at least got one thing right. while i don't think she bought into everything he had to say, by the end of the session, she definitely believed there was something to him.
and of course, that made me curious. so i made an appointment to see him. this was at the end of march and my appointment finally came yesterday.
my first e-mails to him increased my skepticism - he had a full-time job working at the airport as a branch manager for a parts company so he only healed on saturdays. a bit sketchy, don't you think? but i went anyway because, if anything, i could at least say i tried it.
the appointment was an hour and a half long. the first 45 minutes, i'd say, were just spent talking. he told me about himself and how he got into healing and then he asked me questions about me, starting with census-type questions (birthday, where do you live, what do you do for a living), then hobbies (reading, writing, music) and then he asked me about what kind of work and personal stress i was feeling. for work, i told him that the only stress i had was that i was no longer sure i had chosen the right career path. he suggested i look into something that aligned more with my interests, like writing. specifically, he suggested i look into technical writing as a career - and as you know, i looked into that months ago. coincidence.
i didn't really know what to answer when he asked me about personal stress. i don't really have any. so i said, "the only thing i am stressed about personally these days is that i'm getting older!" as i expected, he rolled his eyes and laughed. but i then explained why i was stressed about getting old: that subconsciously, i've always seen myself as someone who had always existed. i don't remember much of my childhood so it felt as if it never happened. i live in the present and try hard to look to the future, but it's difficult because i feel as though the future is my present (that makes no sense to you but i understand it in my own head). my stress lies in the fact that, as i am getting older, it is really starting to sink in that i am alive - that i'm a living, breathing person that is going to get old and die one day. a few years ago, i never truly believed that. it felt like i was a character in a movie and on TV that ceased to exist when other people were not around. i know, that's really weird, but i never really saw myself as anything else.
i was frustrated because i couldn't explain it better to him, but he nodded wisely, picked up this necklace-looking thing, held his hand up, closed his eyes, and let the necklace-thing swing freely from his hand. a moment later, he nodded his head, opened his eyes, put the necklace-thing back on the table and said, "you're an old soul, level 7."
i laughed because i've been described as a old soul for most of my adult life. but i said to him, "what exactly does that mean?" he went on to explain the different types of souls (infant, baby, mature, old) and that each soul-type has seven levels. he then showed me a book that i could read if i wanted to learn more about it. but he said that basically, an old soul level 7 (that's me!) has lived upwards of probably 300 past lives and once you get to the level that i am apparently on, life and everything about it seems very ho-hum - like i've lived it all before and why do i need to go out and experience it again? and i laughed again because that's how i feel about most things. he then said to me, rather matter-of-factly, "you've had a pretty easy life, haven't you? haven't had to work too hard for things and haven't had to suffer too much compared to some other people?" and i laughed again and agreed. he said that old souls always come back as something easier because why would they want to live a hard life when they've already lived several dozen lives already? he said i probably had a few karmic issues to deal with in this life (that's why i came back) and then, at the end of my life now, i will either choose to descend to a higher plain (my words, not his) or find yet another life to live. he said that old souls like me are just here on this earth to have some fun, because we've already lived life and experience hardships in previous incarnations. maybe i should start having fun more often!
okay, so maybe he's just good at reading people. maybe he could tell by the way i spoke and carried myself that i'm an old soul. but then, the healing portion began. i didn't tell him anything about me physically. and at one point, he was holding his hands on either side of my stomach and said, "did you have kidney problems in the past? kidney disease or tumours maybe?" i laughed and said, "i only have one." he nodded. he then moved both hands over my left side and said, "but there's a mass of scar tissue surrounding the area where it was supposed to be." at this point, my skepticism melted away. i told him, "well, it's still there but it shriveled up." he said it's still functioning, although obviously not as well as the other one. he also diagnosed my iron deficiency. he didn't see my uterine problems, which i thought was funny, but maybe it's because they were busy working at the time. i am still skeptical, of course, but how on earth could he have known that: a) i had a kidney issues; b) that it was on my left side; c) that it was actually still there but just shriveled up. there's a way to play the odds and make educated guesses but this one was just too weird.
he then told me about a couple of my past lives (which is what i was mostly interested in). i was a balloonist in the first world war and my balloon was shot down by an enemy plane and i fell to the earth in a ball of flames and died on impact. hence, he says, my apprehension of heights and the fear that my house is going to catch fire (doesn't everyone have that fear though?). another life was that of a starving child in Africa. i died in childhoold. he said that was probably why i always made sure i was never hungry (was that a crack at my ever-increasing waistline?!?). i want to know more about my past lives. regardless of whether or not it's true, i think it will help me understand why i am the way i am - all those weird, funny things that i do.
i also had a crying moment where he guessed about something i had suffered in my past. he said that i still had a lot of anger and blame at myself so he was going to "get rid of it" for me so that i could finally open up myself to love and be loved again. an "ah-ha" moment, as harpO would say.
at the end of the session, his disclaimer was simple: the healing process involved a little bit of him, a little bit of a Higher Power, and a whole lot of me. in essence, like any counselling i receive, whether it be from a therapist or self-help book or a healer like him, ultimately it's me that has to do something about it.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
fork in the road
how apropos. yesterday, i went to drop something off at my mom's and stayed to chat for a bit. as we sat there, she looked at me, adopted a protective posture and said carefully, "i'm not trying to start anything - please take this as constructive criticism. you're getting fat." i knew that was coming, because i've been staring into the mirror for many months now, thinking the same thing. not that i was slender and slight before but i reckon since i turned a quarter-century, i've probably gained close to 30 lbs. that's 5 lbs a year.
and i know it's no longer an observation but a serious concern when she offers to pay for me to visit to a "health spa" (read: fat farm). last month, she offered to pay for a personal trainer for me, with the incentive at the end of the journey being a new wardrobe. i know that doesn't mean an entirely new wardrobe but i know that means a few new clothes. my excuse was that a personal trainer would work me too hard.
i know that all i have to do is start exercising regularly again, control my portions and my piggy moments when i stand at the buffet table and stuff myself silly. why does free food taste so much better than regular food? but seriously, i know what to do. it's just hard to do on your own. at the same time, it's hard to admit to other people that i've let myself get this far out of control.
i was watching myself in the reflections of windows today as i walked back to work from running lunchtime errands. i certainly can't call myself obese but i am most definitely overweight. it probably didn't help that i made that strawberry cheesecake trifle and ate half of it on my own. i gave the other half to my dad, thanks very much.
i don't think my over-eating stems from depression or even boredom. i just love food. or rather, i love the food that i love. and food is such a focal point in socializing for me - i don't drink so i have to eat. and i am a glutton sometimes. i don't have a lot of self-control. i was an only child for 10 1/2 years, after all. :)
so, this is my pledge, this 14th day of August, 2007. i'm going to trim down. i have to. and then, 25 lbs. from now, i'm going to hawaii. or somewhere else sunny. and inexpensive. i am, after all, still on a budget.
sigh...trimming down indeed.
and i know it's no longer an observation but a serious concern when she offers to pay for me to visit to a "health spa" (read: fat farm). last month, she offered to pay for a personal trainer for me, with the incentive at the end of the journey being a new wardrobe. i know that doesn't mean an entirely new wardrobe but i know that means a few new clothes. my excuse was that a personal trainer would work me too hard.
i know that all i have to do is start exercising regularly again, control my portions and my piggy moments when i stand at the buffet table and stuff myself silly. why does free food taste so much better than regular food? but seriously, i know what to do. it's just hard to do on your own. at the same time, it's hard to admit to other people that i've let myself get this far out of control.
i was watching myself in the reflections of windows today as i walked back to work from running lunchtime errands. i certainly can't call myself obese but i am most definitely overweight. it probably didn't help that i made that strawberry cheesecake trifle and ate half of it on my own. i gave the other half to my dad, thanks very much.
i don't think my over-eating stems from depression or even boredom. i just love food. or rather, i love the food that i love. and food is such a focal point in socializing for me - i don't drink so i have to eat. and i am a glutton sometimes. i don't have a lot of self-control. i was an only child for 10 1/2 years, after all. :)
so, this is my pledge, this 14th day of August, 2007. i'm going to trim down. i have to. and then, 25 lbs. from now, i'm going to hawaii. or somewhere else sunny. and inexpensive. i am, after all, still on a budget.
sigh...trimming down indeed.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
760
that's how many kilometers the blue bunny drove on one tank of gas before the "low fuel" light came on. that's awesome! i bet i could've made it to 800 kms but i didn't want to push it :)
i'm back from my annual long weekend trip to the okanagan. unofficially, the weekends will be titled "OK Falls Fiesta 200_ - That Didn't Suck Long Weekend". i feel ready to go back to work. i feel relaxed. i feel happy. i feel like i should always get away from home whenever i take holidays. that's what i've been doing wrong. i think.
it's shaping up to be a busy august. long weekend just passed. two baby showers next weekend. hmm. that's it. :) but i'm going to have visitors next saturday to see my place (before we head off to the baby shower) so i have to clean and get rid of the TV box in the livingroom. nothing i can do about the TV for now, particularly since the top of it is acting as a plant nursery. i'm growing banana leaf plants from seeds. so far, three have sprouted and the other two probably will not. sixty percent success. pretty good for a black thumb.
judging by the pics posted on the family page on facebook, it looks like i missed a good party on the weekend while i was away. either that or my bro and cousin were extremely bored.
i'm not feeling creative at all. i think it's because i ate too much. i'll stop now.
i'm back from my annual long weekend trip to the okanagan. unofficially, the weekends will be titled "OK Falls Fiesta 200_ - That Didn't Suck Long Weekend". i feel ready to go back to work. i feel relaxed. i feel happy. i feel like i should always get away from home whenever i take holidays. that's what i've been doing wrong. i think.
it's shaping up to be a busy august. long weekend just passed. two baby showers next weekend. hmm. that's it. :) but i'm going to have visitors next saturday to see my place (before we head off to the baby shower) so i have to clean and get rid of the TV box in the livingroom. nothing i can do about the TV for now, particularly since the top of it is acting as a plant nursery. i'm growing banana leaf plants from seeds. so far, three have sprouted and the other two probably will not. sixty percent success. pretty good for a black thumb.
judging by the pics posted on the family page on facebook, it looks like i missed a good party on the weekend while i was away. either that or my bro and cousin were extremely bored.
i'm not feeling creative at all. i think it's because i ate too much. i'll stop now.
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