stupid pigeons

i have pigeons nesting in holes above my deck. i don't have a caretaker right now to take care of it so i'm considering hopping up on a ladder and replacing the vent covers myself. imagine if i fall off the deck!

my OC invited me (in a mass e-mail) for drinks tonight. i asked him where and he gave me an answer that wasn't really as set in stone as i'd like. he ended up leaving the office without saying where they were all going. before i left, i chatted with one of the other lawyers he had invited and mentioned drink night. he said, "oh, yeah. i forgot about that. he mentioned somewhere near the YWCA." i said, "he told me it was republic." in any event, i relayed my annoyance to Baby Man, chatted a bit and then went home. i shouldn't have to try this hard.

and as my Guy Friend said to me today at lunch, "if he didn't invite you personally, it wasn't all that special of an invite." fair enough.

lunch was good. he had me laughing pretty much the minute i sat down. i had picked a spot that was pretty much half-way for both of us (he works at howe and georgia, i'm at thurlow and pender). when i phoned him at 12:10 to confirm he was still coming, he said, "i'm leaving now." i asked him, "why? you have 20 minutes to get there." and he said, "it's a pretty long walk! at least six blocks!" i didn't argue. he was sitting there, reading the paper when i got there at 12:30. i sat down and said, "so, how long did it take you to walk here?" he looked at me sheepishly and said, "not as long as i thought. it's only three blocks!" duh. he says things are going well with the girl he's dating but that he hates...HATES...her mom. he says that if they ever break up, it'll be because of her. not a good sign but maybe it is. you know what they say about getting along with in-laws.

i can't help but wonder if he sees me as anything more than a friend. not that i see him as anything more than a friend, truly. but to quote Harry, "Men and women can never be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." he did jokingly offer me a pity f@#&, at which i flipped him the bird for even suggesting it. i love him to pieces, he makes me laugh!

i must not be feeling right

i rescheduled on my Guy Friend last night, even though i had nothing to do that would warrant re-scheduling. it's weird but i just didn't feel like seeing him yesterday (but he was cranky when i phoned - work-related - so he would've been cranky for our visit). we're going to have lunch tomorrow but i feel like cancelling. totally bizarre.

on the dating front, i think i'm ready to leave the online scene again. i've only been on for maybe 3 weeks and i'm already frustrated. i should just take my profile off. i mean, seriously, what do i need companionship for? i'm getting fish! oy.

i don't know why i feel so frustrated today. i don't want to attribute it to the two babies i had visits with today (two lawyers and their kids - one grandson and one first baby) - yes, i think at some point i would really like kids but not if i don't have anyone to have them with. i don't feel like i'm missing something because i don't have children yet.

maybe it's because my hair still looks like shit. dre is never allowed to cut my hair again. ever.

maybe it's because my bank charged me for the cheques i ordered (they've never charged me for cheques and i didn't know they were going to) and listed it as a "pre-authorized debit". i didn't know about the charge so i didn't authorize it!

maybe it's because it's still stinking hot.

there is a purple semi-trailer truck parked down the street from my building. it says, "LutherCorp" on it. do you think they're filming "Smallville" here? if so, please send Clark and Lex to my apartment, immediately.

i'm hungry.

oops

so, i just finished writing a rather lengthy "this is me" type of e-mail to a prospective online date - chatty and informative and friendly. i sent it off and sent myself a BCC. once my copy popped into my e-mail, i read it over. "dear sam"... except the guy's name is john. quelle faux pas! i immediately sent an apology e-mail but i don't know if i'll hear from him again. if i were him, i wouldn't respond to me :)

it has come to my attention (not that i haven't brought it to my own attention several times and in several different ways and mediums) that my behaviour over this whole OC thing over the past month has become ... in my own words... sad and pathetic. i hate being sad and pathetic! snap out of it, damnit!

my friend at work is going to give me her 33 gallon fish tank with all the stuff that goes with it. OMG, i'm going to have an aquarium! where am i going to put it?????

argh.

my OC printed out his ferry reservation and forgot to pick it up from the printer until a little later. my deskmate picked it up and said, "oooh. salt spring? i wonder who he's going with..." i looked at her and said, "what?" and she showed me that his reservation was for two. TWO! i simmered for awhile. then, i was sitting in reception, reading the paper and he and Baby Man walked by, announcing they were going for frozen yogurt. but my OC had his bag, which meant he was leaving. A was standing and talking with our receptionist, about five feet from me and A says to my OC, "have fun on your romantic trip!" i didn't react but my head was reeling.

after work, i sidled into A's office and said, "so, you have gossip?" and she laughs and says, "what? what do i have gossip about?" and i said, "his romantic weekend! what was that about?" and she laughed and said, "i was just joking around. there's nothing that i know of. have you heard anything?" we talked a bit more about other things but i sensed strongly that she was holding back. i think my OC is dating A's sister. i have no proof but that's the only logical explanation.

truthfully, i've been kind of sharp with him lately. sweet but with a very sharp edge. the other day, he came sauntering to the printer and said, "good news, ladies. i'm printing to this printer again." i looked up and smiled but didn't say anything. he and T got into a discussion about where he'd been printing to previously and she said to him, "why do you want to print here anyway?" and he said, "well, obviously for the convenience as it is right near my office. but also for the company..." and i looked at him, smiled my sweetest smile and said, "i highly doubt that." he said, in mock hurt, "are you doubting my sincerity?" and as i walked away from him, i looked at him, smiled and said, "yes."

yesterday, i was running around like mad so i was missing out on any socializing that was going on at my work area. when i got to my desk at one point, T was sitting there chatting with A and my OC, who were standing around like it was a cocktail party. i walked up and said, "look at this! a party and i wasn't invited. typical." i felt like such a whiny bitch but i was ... am... hurt. it's like he'll stand and talk to anyone but me. i heard him saying to the student, "i'd help you (move) but i have to take a bunch of stuff to the dump." he did apologize for not helping me paint and did offer his friend's help instead but things are different. things are vastly different than a month ago. how does that happen?

i need to get over this in a big way. but i can't be petty about it anymore.

suspicions (is that how you spell it?)

it doesn't look right. anyway...

i have my suspicions about my OC and A's sister. he's doing a conveyance for her. she's called him at work and faxed him. (ok, i realize this has to do with the conveyance but work with me here). he was on the phone today (as he often is on personal calls) but his body language was such that it looked like he was talking to a girlfriend - hunched over the phone, talking quietly (which he doesn't do...ever), goofy smile planted firmly on his beautiful face and the tell-tale sign: he was running his fingers along his phone. OMG, they must be dating.

in which case, why would i want him if he's chosen someone else? (i actually have no choice in this regard but work with me here).

in a similar vein, he went to coffee with a friend of his today, who came upstairs to meet him. three letters: H-O-T. tall, dark blonde hair, very cute. i was going to ask my OC if his friend was single but i didn't have the guts and because, if there was anything on his side, that would sort of ruin it. and why would i want to ruin something that i want just to be spiteful. i'm not 12 anymore!

i could also be emotional and overly pensive (more so than usual but work with me here!) because of the time of month. i mean, a performance on "so you think you can dance" tonight made my eyes well up. dancing doesn't make me cry...hardly anything makes me cry! heck, "the notebook" didn't make me cry until 3 days later. and i think i was PMSing then too.

but today, i say, i am going to give up. i'm going to stay out of his way for the next while (the weekend will help but work with me here) and hopefully, it'll stick this time. let's face it, i know i can get over him but it's hard when he works ten feet from me. i can do this!

good news

there is a hot guy in my building!!!! i was coming off the elevator on my way to my storage locker, wearing flip flops, oversized rolled up shorts and a tshirt and he was at the other end of the hall, getting his mail. as i was pulling my cart into the storage locker, he was opening the door to the stairwell but checking me out at the same time. twice. hopefully i'll run into him again :)

conspiracy theory

i was in the lunch room today with A. she was talking about her weekend and how she went camping. i asked her where she went and she said, "Garibaldi Provincial Park". Huh. this is where my OC was this weekend, hiking. she chatted a bit more about what they did and where they went and dropped in that my OC was with them. she said it was five of them. i wonder if her sister went with them. my OC was talking to her at A's call party and her beach party. huh. after detailing her weekend, she said, "see, if you liked to camp, you could've come too." and then gave me a look. Huh. and then she said, "so, what's new with you?" after i answered not much, just getting my apartment set up, she said, "are you dating anyone?" and proceeded to grill me about whether i was dating actively or looking or not looking. HUH? if i didn't know any better...i don't know. she mentioned online dating and said her sister was having a lot of fun doing it. i mentioned i had done it before but didn't mention i was doing it again. incidentally, no interest in my profile, even with a pic up. this is a bad sign. :)

my Guy Friend rescheduled on me, which was fine. bad hair and feeling fat today anyway. maybe i should continue to unpack?

duties

i just got off the phone with my mom. basically, we talked about why my dad is being as stubborn as he is about selling the house and why i am stuck in the middle. my dad is bitter about ... oh, everything... and my mom is upset that my dad won't talk to her. she accused me of trying to play mediator instead of trying to help him. it was one of those bad phone calls. on the one hand, my dad is being a complete idiot for not asking for help with this house purchase thing. on the other hand, i'm sick of hearing my mom go on and on about how she's trying to help my dad but he won't accept any offer of help.

because of all the counseling we've been to, i've come to understand that my mom really does mean well. her problem is that she just doesn't know how to offer help without being condescending (at least to my dad). in the 31 years that they've known each other, she hasn't figured out that her way of talking to him is not working. i can't really describe it; i just know that's the reason. i offered to talk to my dad, to ask him to listen to her. maybe if i cry, he'll listen to me. maybe if i tell him i hate being stuck in the middle when i know i can't help either of them, he'll listen to me. maybe if i tell him i'm scared for him, he'll listen to me.

i really don't know what to do. i can only go so long thinking that he'll figure it out when really what i'm thinking is, "my mom will step in eventually and save the day." she can't do that if he won't let her. fuck this shit. i may have to yell at him again, although it only worked temporarily the first time.

you know, i knew that eventually the day would come when i would have to take over the parent role and parent my parents. i just hoped it wouldn't be this soon.

mundane

on the way home, i walk by a little neighbourhood fruit and vegetable market. i stopped today and bought cherries, nectarines and plums. i felt so ... i don't know. connected? you know, shopping in the neighbourhood i live in and all that.

i have a coffee date with my Guy Friend tomorrow after work. it feels like we just saw each other but it's been almost a month. three weeks, i guess. miracle by our standards. we barely see each other once a month. i don't know that we have anything new to talk about but what the heck. it'll be nice tomorrow so we can sit in the sun.

the apartment is looking a little better. granted, i should be unpacking and organizing right now instead of blogging or watching TV. one thing at a time :) i cleaned the windows yesterday, finally. looking out of my den window right now, i think i did a pretty crappy job. maybe i should go with vinegar and water next time. actually i tried to clean the soap scum off the shower doors yesterday and was also unsuccessful.

i wish i could dance. i've been hooked on "so you think you can dance" again this year and, regardless of how poorly some people do week-to-week, they're still a hell of a lot better at what they do than i am. i sometimes wonder if i had stuck with ballet whether i would've been any good. like the swimming lessons, tennis lessons, piano lessons, etc., etc., i quit ballet as soon as my parents would let me. lazy kid and of course now, i regret stopping it all. hopefully my own kids will have a bit more foresight. yeah, right :)

i have this unquenchable urge to buy food. not to eat right now but just to have in my fridge and in my cupboard. i hate looking in my fridge and only seeing a loaf of bread, a jug of water and some condiments. it isn't right!

you know, generally speaking, i'm in a good mood all the time. that one day last week, i was in a bear of a mood and i just felt awful. no one noticed i was in a bad mood but man, I didn't want to be around me. i hate feeling that way. i'm at a point in my life where i like feeling happy. when i was younger and full of imagined angst, i think i honestly enjoyed being miserable. granted, it's arguable that i'm still like that, but now it's strictly with crushes. i need to figure out how not to be that way with crushes.

with some trepidation, i am back online dating. perhaps i shouldn't be, just because i do have such reservations but at the same time, i'm ready to start meeting people again. i think i'm at a pretty good place in my life and i have a lot to offer someone in a relationship. in the not-so-back of my mind, i'd like that person to be my OC but at the same time, i am realizing now how very awkward it would be if we dated for awhile and then broke up. or even went out two or three times and then stopped seeing each other. it would be ok if we worked in a big firm and he worked on a separate floor but he prints to the printer that sits on my desk for crying out loud! while i would still really, really like it to happen between us, i know now that it's probably not a good idea. it makes me sad.

fuzzy

i've moved into my new place. it's been since july 7th that i've been living here. it's now 8 days later and i still am living among boxes. i realize i have way more stuff than i have room for. some purging is in order.

at the same time, i'm trying to help my dad clean up and sell his house. my mom and i were over today and she was just like she was when she lived with us - demanding, impatient and generally an unbearable bitch. my dad was hiding upstairs while she scrubbed every nook and cranny of the house. she was there yesterday too, cleaning because it's not like my dad's been breaking his back clearing out stuff for the past couple of weeks, if not the past few months. nope, the three of us are useless when it comes to cleaning and only she can do a good job. if she doesn't clean it properly (because we can't), the house won't sell. for my dad's sake, i hope someone makes an offer tomorrow and it sells sooner than later. then he can finally get on with life. i asked him to take a look at a place about three blocks from my place and he said, "no, i want to live as far away from your mother as possible." oy. she is difficult, i'll admit that much but he's such a big sulky baby sometimes. i want to hit them both, actually.

i've hooked up my new Bose speakers to myPod. i'm in heaven.

my mom wants me to drive her to the house again tomorrow...because i haven't spent every single day there this week clearing out my stuff in anticipation for the open house tomorrow. of course, she needs to clean more. we spent the whole f-ing day cleaning today. and the day before she was there cleaning. meanwhile, i'm still living in boxes because i've spent most of my week either at the house clearing up my stuff that's still there or at work. but that's not important, right? i'd be selfish to want a life of my own now that i live on my own. fuck this filipino guilt culture shit. i'm not being selfish for wanting my own life. but i know i'll be guilted into feeling that way if i say no to helping out. fuck fuck fuck. that was my mantra all day today. fuck fuck fuck. fuck fuck fuck. fuck this shit. fuck.

and they said i'd be happier living on my own. there is no such thing as having a separate life when you are owned financially by a mother like mine.

on a slightly happier note, my OC bought me a box of chocolates yesterday. he's so weird. at one point, he e-mailed me and said he had a box of truffles so i e-mailed back and said, "trade you a piece of fudge for a truffle." he mails me back and says, "you should negotiate harder." like, what is that supposed to mean? so, I mail him back and say, "like what? a piece of fudge and i'll wash your car? a piece of fudge and a movie? a piece of fudge and a kick in the ass?" notice i stuck the movie part in the middle? instead of responding to the subtle movie invite, he came by my desk and gave me some of his chocolate. sigh. maybe it is the work thing. or maybe (let's say it all together, girls), "He's Just Not that Into You!"

i was at Wal-Mart this evening, doing a little bit of house shopping. there was a cute guy that drove by me with his buggy. he kind of smiled at me and looked in my cart. i didn't really know what to think and of course, because i didn't know what to think, i didn't think to smile at him like i've been meaning to start doing. was he just nosy, looking into my cart or was he checking out what was in my cart to determine whether i was single? in eyesight was a can of soup, some nacho chips and paper towels. as it was closing time when i saw him, i was hoping i'd spot him in a lineup and redeem myself but no such luck. so, it was two carts passing in the Wal-Mart night. sigh.