i spent $365.00 today on stuff i simply don't need. i've already packed up more than half of it to return it to their respective stores on the weekend. and you know what? it doesn't bother me.
in fact, the one thing i've learned about my shopping habits is that, although i do tend to buy stupid things and lots of them (albeit always on sale and always at a steal of a deal), even if i end up returning 95% of the stuff i've bought, it makes me feel good just to have known i owned it for a couple of days. sick, eh?
however, i'm not stupid about it. i never buy stuff that i've fallen in love with and can't afford because i end up justifying keeping the purchase and regret it later. the stuff i've bought at the boxing day sales are of the "like 'em but can leave 'em" kind, which is fine with me. who needs three new pairs of shoes when i have at least two pairs in my closet that are still in boxes? i keep buying pants because i get such a good deal on them (and i find it hard to buy pants that look good on me) but what i really need are tops - for work, for weekend, for going out. so i'm going to return the $10 pair of pants i bought at Reitmans because, even though they are only $10, for $20 i bought a nicer pair at the GAP and i know they will last longer.
and i bought a sweater for the Boy. it's only $20 and it would look so good on him but i will hold out on giving it to him. his birthday is in a month - i'll add this sweater to whatever else i might get him, if we make it to then. :)
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Saturday, December 17, 2005
christmas blues
i used to get so excited about Christmas. i loved going shopping and picking out gifts and putting up decorations and singing carols - and this was just within the past 5 years! i don't know why, as i get older, it seems like Christmas doesn't mean anything anymore.
every year, Christmas displays in stores go up earlier and earlier. at the rate they are going up, at some point they will actually coincide with the Christmas season. it doesn't feel like people care about spending time with family and friends - it's all about how much money you're going to spend and what you hope you'll get. i think i'm finally over-commercialized, if that's even possible.
it occurs to me that this feeling of nothingness has grown stronger over the past five years and i wonder if it is a coincidence that my Christmas Mass attendance has also waned over the past five years. it's not that i didn't like going to Christmas Eve Mass - it's more that it wasn't something that made sense to go to anymore. it's not that i don't still have the beliefs i grew up with. but when you make the effort to go to church on Christmas Eve and end up sitting in the adjacent school's gymnasium, watching what's going on in the Church by closed-circuit TV, the event loses its feeling. coupled with the fact that everyone else in the gym (usually late-comers or people with small children) end up chatting with each other throughout most of the hour instead of watching the priest on the TV, you stop taking it very seriously.
i'm not very Catholic anymore (but then again, how many Catholics do you know that are?) but i think i might go to Christmas Eve Mass this year. i know a lot of people will scoff at me but i think everyone, no matter what beliefs you subscribe to, needs to believe in something. even believing in nothing is believing in something, ironically enough. i think this is the year that i need to re-visit some things i believed in, even though it doesn't mean that i'm going back for good.
every year, Christmas displays in stores go up earlier and earlier. at the rate they are going up, at some point they will actually coincide with the Christmas season. it doesn't feel like people care about spending time with family and friends - it's all about how much money you're going to spend and what you hope you'll get. i think i'm finally over-commercialized, if that's even possible.
it occurs to me that this feeling of nothingness has grown stronger over the past five years and i wonder if it is a coincidence that my Christmas Mass attendance has also waned over the past five years. it's not that i didn't like going to Christmas Eve Mass - it's more that it wasn't something that made sense to go to anymore. it's not that i don't still have the beliefs i grew up with. but when you make the effort to go to church on Christmas Eve and end up sitting in the adjacent school's gymnasium, watching what's going on in the Church by closed-circuit TV, the event loses its feeling. coupled with the fact that everyone else in the gym (usually late-comers or people with small children) end up chatting with each other throughout most of the hour instead of watching the priest on the TV, you stop taking it very seriously.
i'm not very Catholic anymore (but then again, how many Catholics do you know that are?) but i think i might go to Christmas Eve Mass this year. i know a lot of people will scoff at me but i think everyone, no matter what beliefs you subscribe to, needs to believe in something. even believing in nothing is believing in something, ironically enough. i think this is the year that i need to re-visit some things i believed in, even though it doesn't mean that i'm going back for good.
Monday, December 12, 2005
prayer for relief
God, give me the strength - any strength you can spare - to help me deal with this thing we call love.
he phoned me on sunday and apologized for his behaviour, although he says he's still mad. it irks me that he thinks we can just fall back into place - we are going to "talk" about it, but everything seems all the same now, pre-DQM (drama queen moment). i want him to know that he can't just blow up at me for no reason and expect everything to return to normal when he's ready for it to. yet i'm not sure if i'm really getting through to him with that.
i gave him what-for when he phoned. i told him it was up to him whether he believed what i was telling him but i insisted i wasn't dating anyone else but him. i told him that i have guy friends and asked him if he had female friends. he said he didn't and i said, "why, because you always end up dating them?" and he said something that sort of sounded like, "yes." i don't know if he was being facetious or just being stubborn but now i wonder. yet, what the fuck does he care? he's the one who said he wasn't ready to do the exclusive thing. i'm the one who's waiting around for him to make up his mind. there is some serious inequality going on here and i don't like it.
i'm not sure he trusts me, although i don't know why. i've never given him any reason not to.
this stupidness needs to stop. stop the insanity!!!
he phoned me on sunday and apologized for his behaviour, although he says he's still mad. it irks me that he thinks we can just fall back into place - we are going to "talk" about it, but everything seems all the same now, pre-DQM (drama queen moment). i want him to know that he can't just blow up at me for no reason and expect everything to return to normal when he's ready for it to. yet i'm not sure if i'm really getting through to him with that.
i gave him what-for when he phoned. i told him it was up to him whether he believed what i was telling him but i insisted i wasn't dating anyone else but him. i told him that i have guy friends and asked him if he had female friends. he said he didn't and i said, "why, because you always end up dating them?" and he said something that sort of sounded like, "yes." i don't know if he was being facetious or just being stubborn but now i wonder. yet, what the fuck does he care? he's the one who said he wasn't ready to do the exclusive thing. i'm the one who's waiting around for him to make up his mind. there is some serious inequality going on here and i don't like it.
i'm not sure he trusts me, although i don't know why. i've never given him any reason not to.
this stupidness needs to stop. stop the insanity!!!
Saturday, December 10, 2005
relief?
we had another dramatic episode this morning, culminating in him walking out the door (hastily packed bag in hand) saying, "well, i hope you two are very happy together." slam.
then he phones 30 minutes later and i answer. he's surprised that i answer and says, "i was just going to leave a nasty voicemail for you." and i said, "well, you've got me on the phone. tell me now." he refused. i told him he had left his scarf and a pair of socks in the room and he said, "OH WELL." then he hung up.
fucking drama queen. i finally feel like i've done everything i could. and i'm 95% glad it's over.
then he phones 30 minutes later and i answer. he's surprised that i answer and says, "i was just going to leave a nasty voicemail for you." and i said, "well, you've got me on the phone. tell me now." he refused. i told him he had left his scarf and a pair of socks in the room and he said, "OH WELL." then he hung up.
fucking drama queen. i finally feel like i've done everything i could. and i'm 95% glad it's over.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
glutton
i hate that, despite all these years of trying to become comfortable with being alone and not feeling that need to have a "man in my life", i would still rather have someone break up with me than be the one who does the breaking up. i think it's because i know i have survived that awful heartache that starts in the pit of your stomach and travels upwards to the back of your throat, so i know i will survive it again.
everything in my relationship is fine, until i start to think about what i deserve (the good kind, not the bad kind). there are no problems with the status quo in my head until i realize that i'm making excuses again. but am i making excuses? and what exactly is it that i deserve?
i was thinking the other day (never a good start, actually)... well, it was more wondering whether he was worth "waiting" for (you know, getting the stuff in his life sorted out so that he had time for me). i wondered whether i actually believed he was worth waiting for or whether i just thought he was because, when he is attentive and mentally with me, he's exactly the way i want him to be. and then i realized that, no matter what is going on in his life, if he thought i was worth it, he would "take the plunge", as it were. he wouldn't be thinking that his ex's feelings were more important than mine (that's how i interpret it, anyway). he wouldn't want to have his cake and eat it too - he would just have the damn cake! a friend of mine that i used to work with got involved with a guy who was going through his Alcoholics Anonymous meetings - perhaps had just started. but he pursued her like there was no tomorrow, got sober at the same time and they're now married. i don't know if it's happily or not but he didn't let his life problems stop him from getting into a relationship. granted, he does have an addictive personality so perhaps that might be the reason but i digress. my point is - it appears to me that he doesn't see me as someone who is worth throwing that caution to the wind - but just in case i am, he's trying to hang on anyway.
it's not that i just realized this. i'm pretty sure i knew it all along. and yet, i still can't see myself doing anything about it. i talk myself out of it, saying "it's only been three months. what's your hurry?" and really, what is my hurry? it's not like i'm devoting all of my extra time to him. it's not like i would turn down a date with someone if they asked and i thought they were worth going out with (at least, i like to think i wouldn't). he asked me what i was doing for new years and i asked him the same. he said that he had plans to go to whistler with bunch of his guy friends but if that didn't come through that he would "tag along" with whatever i might be doing. huh?
it is the head v. heart dilemma all over again. everything in my head - every fibre of reason that i possess (and there isn't that much fibre, believe me) - is telling me to GET OUT NOW! and yet the minute i think that i'm going to do it, every violin string in my heart starts to play and i can't bring myself to do it. i make this hard for myself. i think i enjoy it. sick, isn't it?
everything in my relationship is fine, until i start to think about what i deserve (the good kind, not the bad kind). there are no problems with the status quo in my head until i realize that i'm making excuses again. but am i making excuses? and what exactly is it that i deserve?
i was thinking the other day (never a good start, actually)... well, it was more wondering whether he was worth "waiting" for (you know, getting the stuff in his life sorted out so that he had time for me). i wondered whether i actually believed he was worth waiting for or whether i just thought he was because, when he is attentive and mentally with me, he's exactly the way i want him to be. and then i realized that, no matter what is going on in his life, if he thought i was worth it, he would "take the plunge", as it were. he wouldn't be thinking that his ex's feelings were more important than mine (that's how i interpret it, anyway). he wouldn't want to have his cake and eat it too - he would just have the damn cake! a friend of mine that i used to work with got involved with a guy who was going through his Alcoholics Anonymous meetings - perhaps had just started. but he pursued her like there was no tomorrow, got sober at the same time and they're now married. i don't know if it's happily or not but he didn't let his life problems stop him from getting into a relationship. granted, he does have an addictive personality so perhaps that might be the reason but i digress. my point is - it appears to me that he doesn't see me as someone who is worth throwing that caution to the wind - but just in case i am, he's trying to hang on anyway.
it's not that i just realized this. i'm pretty sure i knew it all along. and yet, i still can't see myself doing anything about it. i talk myself out of it, saying "it's only been three months. what's your hurry?" and really, what is my hurry? it's not like i'm devoting all of my extra time to him. it's not like i would turn down a date with someone if they asked and i thought they were worth going out with (at least, i like to think i wouldn't). he asked me what i was doing for new years and i asked him the same. he said that he had plans to go to whistler with bunch of his guy friends but if that didn't come through that he would "tag along" with whatever i might be doing. huh?
it is the head v. heart dilemma all over again. everything in my head - every fibre of reason that i possess (and there isn't that much fibre, believe me) - is telling me to GET OUT NOW! and yet the minute i think that i'm going to do it, every violin string in my heart starts to play and i can't bring myself to do it. i make this hard for myself. i think i enjoy it. sick, isn't it?
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