i made a new playlist (the 2010 version of a mega mix-tape) called "I Love This Song!" i like themes when i make a new playlist and always give it a kooky name. i've been wanting to make this particular one for awhile, but it just took time to go through my entire list of songs and sort through.
i've been listening to it as i pack for mexico and everytime a new song starts, i say, "oh, i love this song!" and then i laugh. because i don't actually mean to be funny when i say i love this song, but it's why i made the playlist. i love all of my music but there are some songs that i absolutely love. my poor neighbours have had to listen to me sing all night.
not to be confused with my playlist, "Karaoke Wish List".
i miss my iPod. and i miss my little Lunatic.
i dropped her off at my dad's place at about 5 because i have to leave a an ungodly hour tomorrow morning and didn't want to have to fuss with her morning routine and then get me out the door in time. but i miss her! it's so weird. i didn't believe Sands when she said i would grow to love Luna. i laughed at all of those crazy dog people that talked about their dogs all the time. i don't talk about her very much but when i walked to my car after dropping her off, i started to tear up. i didn't actually cry, but i got emotional. i guess it doesn't help that i am very anxious about leaving her with my dad.
i called him about an hour or so later and asked him how she was. he said she played with him for a little while, but then she went to her kennel and won't come out. it breaks my heart. i think he's a little put off too. he doesn't take rejection well. i wonder where i get it from.
i assured him that she would be out of sorts for a couple of days but by monday, she'd be fine. i hope i'm not lying.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
surface
i really shouldn't read into things. but i do.
our cute little associate, Bertrand, was away again last Friday. he had gone up to Whistler the weekend before and then before that had taken a personal day because he was feeling stressed. i call him "delicate". he's adorable.
there was a recurring event in my calendar that he was to be looking after but i wasn't sure if it was a past event or something coming up. i sent him an e-mail just asking whether or not he had dealt with it. i got the bounce back email saying he was away until monday and wouldn't have access to his e-mail. i didn't think too much of it.
ten minutes later, i get a message from him from his brand new BlackBerry, saying he had dealt with the matter. because i like to flirt with him, even though he's 8 years my junior in age and about 15 years my junior in how he acts sometimes, i sent him a note back that said something like, "thanks. i'll delete the rest of these reminders. miss your smiley face today. the office is dark without you. have a good weekend." i received no response back. i didn't think much of it either.
on tuesday, i was in the lunchroom with Sands and she said, "so, was that Bertran's dad that died?" whuh? she explained that he had apparently been back east on the weekend and that she had seen an obit in the paper with a guy who shared the same last name as Bertrand and listed Bertrand as a surviving child. when i got home, i did my own internet search and found the obit.
he looks just like his dad. i felt so bad for him. no one should lose their parent at 25 and the obit said that it was a sudden death. it must've been a heart attack or something.
anyway, that was last night. i was trying to get to sleep and something was just gnawing at me. and then i realized, it was the cheeky e-mail i sent to Bertrand on friday. i told him to have a good weekend for crying out loud! i knew he wouldn't take it the wrong way as really, he hadn't told anyone why he was away. he didn't even mention it when he got back. i'm not even sure his assistant knows why he was gone. but because i'm me i couldn't let it go.
i sent him an email on facebook (we're not friends, but i've sent him a message before at Christmas - flirty, of course). it said, "had i known why you were away on friday, i never would've sent you such a cheeky message. i'm very sorry for your loss. if you need an ear, i have two."
i didn't see him at all today and didn't get a response until after i got home from choir. it said, and i quote, "no worries. hearing from you, even in a cheeky manner, brings a smile to my face (wow, that is cheesy)."
is that sweet or what? but, uh, do you think he's being flirty too? he doesn't normally, which is fine. i've determined that since i'm a full generation older than him that i can sexually harrass him without much worry.
in my twisted head, of course, i see it as he's finally realizing that i'm the perfect woman for him, now that he sees i'm interested in someone else. in reality, it's just because he's such a sweet guy. ah, fantasy.
our cute little associate, Bertrand, was away again last Friday. he had gone up to Whistler the weekend before and then before that had taken a personal day because he was feeling stressed. i call him "delicate". he's adorable.
there was a recurring event in my calendar that he was to be looking after but i wasn't sure if it was a past event or something coming up. i sent him an e-mail just asking whether or not he had dealt with it. i got the bounce back email saying he was away until monday and wouldn't have access to his e-mail. i didn't think too much of it.
ten minutes later, i get a message from him from his brand new BlackBerry, saying he had dealt with the matter. because i like to flirt with him, even though he's 8 years my junior in age and about 15 years my junior in how he acts sometimes, i sent him a note back that said something like, "thanks. i'll delete the rest of these reminders. miss your smiley face today. the office is dark without you. have a good weekend." i received no response back. i didn't think much of it either.
on tuesday, i was in the lunchroom with Sands and she said, "so, was that Bertran's dad that died?" whuh? she explained that he had apparently been back east on the weekend and that she had seen an obit in the paper with a guy who shared the same last name as Bertrand and listed Bertrand as a surviving child. when i got home, i did my own internet search and found the obit.
he looks just like his dad. i felt so bad for him. no one should lose their parent at 25 and the obit said that it was a sudden death. it must've been a heart attack or something.
anyway, that was last night. i was trying to get to sleep and something was just gnawing at me. and then i realized, it was the cheeky e-mail i sent to Bertrand on friday. i told him to have a good weekend for crying out loud! i knew he wouldn't take it the wrong way as really, he hadn't told anyone why he was away. he didn't even mention it when he got back. i'm not even sure his assistant knows why he was gone. but because i'm me i couldn't let it go.
i sent him an email on facebook (we're not friends, but i've sent him a message before at Christmas - flirty, of course). it said, "had i known why you were away on friday, i never would've sent you such a cheeky message. i'm very sorry for your loss. if you need an ear, i have two."
i didn't see him at all today and didn't get a response until after i got home from choir. it said, and i quote, "no worries. hearing from you, even in a cheeky manner, brings a smile to my face (wow, that is cheesy)."
is that sweet or what? but, uh, do you think he's being flirty too? he doesn't normally, which is fine. i've determined that since i'm a full generation older than him that i can sexually harrass him without much worry.
in my twisted head, of course, i see it as he's finally realizing that i'm the perfect woman for him, now that he sees i'm interested in someone else. in reality, it's just because he's such a sweet guy. ah, fantasy.
Monday, April 19, 2010
i remember
i remember why i don't like to crush on people (for real) at work. when something adverse happens...anything...i get mopey and miserable.
today, i received confirmation that my Crush is switching offices. not sure when, but it's going to happen. you'd think it was because he somehow ended up in the spare, corner-office. no student or associate should get a corner office. and yet, he's moving to Mon's old office, which is a corner office. just on the opposite corner to me.
it made me wonder whether the move was precipitated by the fact that he's always chatting with me. perhaps the partner that sits near us that often catches us chatting (albeit always about work, because he hasn't figured out how to chat with me about anything else) has caught on that there's a bit of interest on both of our parts. (not convinced about the interest on his part, or perhaps i don't want to get my hopes up). in any event, when i heard about it, i got really sulky. for once, it didn't last long, but it did happen.
i even went so far as to say to him before i left, "so, you're moving??" and he said, "yeah, you didn't know? i don't know when, but Scrooge told me i was moving. he said as much as he liked having me down here, i had to go!" curious.
what this means for me is that i'll have to try harder when it comes to flirting with him. we went out for lunch the other day (because i asked him) and i'm getting more and more comfortable with him, just chatting and teasing him about stuff. i whined at him today (my first whine!) that it felt like i hadn't seen him all day, he'd been so busy.
my worst fear, of course, is that once they hire the new girl (because the new girl has given her notice and so they have to hire a new girl to replace the new girl), they'll end up hiring someone cute and his age and much more forward than i am (it'll be like history repeating itself, over and over again), and they'll end up dating and of course, because it's me, he'll end up marrying her. oy. and i wonder why i've avoided dating for so long.
well, i have some time to work on it. oh wait, i leave for Mexico in four work days! i wonder if he'll miss me while i'm gone. or if i'll have any candy left in my candy dish when i get back. i'm quite certain he's the candy thief, but that's okay with me.
and so it begins. again.
today, i received confirmation that my Crush is switching offices. not sure when, but it's going to happen. you'd think it was because he somehow ended up in the spare, corner-office. no student or associate should get a corner office. and yet, he's moving to Mon's old office, which is a corner office. just on the opposite corner to me.
it made me wonder whether the move was precipitated by the fact that he's always chatting with me. perhaps the partner that sits near us that often catches us chatting (albeit always about work, because he hasn't figured out how to chat with me about anything else) has caught on that there's a bit of interest on both of our parts. (not convinced about the interest on his part, or perhaps i don't want to get my hopes up). in any event, when i heard about it, i got really sulky. for once, it didn't last long, but it did happen.
i even went so far as to say to him before i left, "so, you're moving??" and he said, "yeah, you didn't know? i don't know when, but Scrooge told me i was moving. he said as much as he liked having me down here, i had to go!" curious.
what this means for me is that i'll have to try harder when it comes to flirting with him. we went out for lunch the other day (because i asked him) and i'm getting more and more comfortable with him, just chatting and teasing him about stuff. i whined at him today (my first whine!) that it felt like i hadn't seen him all day, he'd been so busy.
my worst fear, of course, is that once they hire the new girl (because the new girl has given her notice and so they have to hire a new girl to replace the new girl), they'll end up hiring someone cute and his age and much more forward than i am (it'll be like history repeating itself, over and over again), and they'll end up dating and of course, because it's me, he'll end up marrying her. oy. and i wonder why i've avoided dating for so long.
well, i have some time to work on it. oh wait, i leave for Mexico in four work days! i wonder if he'll miss me while i'm gone. or if i'll have any candy left in my candy dish when i get back. i'm quite certain he's the candy thief, but that's okay with me.
and so it begins. again.
Monday, April 12, 2010
inspiration
i was taking the Lunatic out for her last evening walk and as she sniffed the grass, i looked up to the tree above me. it's a cherry blossom tree in bloom. i adjusted my eyes to see the pale pink blooms contrast against the blue-black sky and thought, "i need to write a haiku." so i did:
With my eyes skyward
Blossoms against the dark sky
Pink arms outstretched
it's not much, but it's a reminder that i don't need to be depressed to write poetry. inspiration is all around me!
i kind of miss writing poetry. my running joke (to myself, because no one ever asks me why i don't write poetry anymore!) is that i used to write a lot of poetry, but now i'm much happier.
i've always been about writing when inspired and maybe this means i'm ready to be inspired again.
With my eyes skyward
Blossoms against the dark sky
Pink arms outstretched
it's not much, but it's a reminder that i don't need to be depressed to write poetry. inspiration is all around me!
i kind of miss writing poetry. my running joke (to myself, because no one ever asks me why i don't write poetry anymore!) is that i used to write a lot of poetry, but now i'm much happier.
i've always been about writing when inspired and maybe this means i'm ready to be inspired again.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
money talks
why do i do it? Mon's last day at the firm was on friday and we had a long talk at the end of the day about the partners and the firm. the new firm she's going to is paying her 40% more than she makes where i am. and it made me think: are they underpaying me too?
cut to saturday night nachos with the Duckster and A. i knew i couldn't just out and ask the Duckster how much money she made because she's very private about that stuff. however, she also doesn't like to know that people are getting screwed over when they deserve more. so i hedged a bet and started talking about Mon and how much more she'd be making and how i wondered what i should be making. she out and out told me what she makes and A chimed in with her salary (although hers isn't comparable to mine as we don't work in the same area of law and she has years more experience as a legal secretary than i do). they both make about $12,000.00 a year more than me. i think that's substantial. no wonder A can afford to travel so much!
Duckster also told me what her bonus was last year and again, over $3000.00 more than i got, and i thought i got a lot. now, i think her bonus was a lot but fuuuuuuuuuucck. she made a lot more too.
all day, i've been thinking about how if i don't get a raise this year and i don't get a bonus, then that's it. i was saddened to hear how Mon was treated by the partners in the last two weeks (it was like a bad breakup where you still had to deal with each other - very petty and childish behaviour on some of the partners' parts). is the firm as good as i think it is or are my glasses extra rosy?
i may not get much of a raise this year, if at all (although i should, because i'm at 5 years now), but i should damn well get a good bonus. i practically billed my entire salary last year - they got all my hard work for free, basically. they owe me something big.
i guess we'll see. i hate that i get hung up on this stuff. it should be good enough that i love my job and most of the people i work with. but it sucks that i can only just cover bills and make paltry contributions to various savings and RRSPs, having only a little left over for the week for incidentals.
then again, you can't take any of it with you so why get hung up on the fact that i can't buy more clothes or more purses or more shoes. i don't have anywhere to put them anyway.
but if i made more money, i could buy a bigger place and have more storage. sigh.
cut to saturday night nachos with the Duckster and A. i knew i couldn't just out and ask the Duckster how much money she made because she's very private about that stuff. however, she also doesn't like to know that people are getting screwed over when they deserve more. so i hedged a bet and started talking about Mon and how much more she'd be making and how i wondered what i should be making. she out and out told me what she makes and A chimed in with her salary (although hers isn't comparable to mine as we don't work in the same area of law and she has years more experience as a legal secretary than i do). they both make about $12,000.00 a year more than me. i think that's substantial. no wonder A can afford to travel so much!
Duckster also told me what her bonus was last year and again, over $3000.00 more than i got, and i thought i got a lot. now, i think her bonus was a lot but fuuuuuuuuuucck. she made a lot more too.
all day, i've been thinking about how if i don't get a raise this year and i don't get a bonus, then that's it. i was saddened to hear how Mon was treated by the partners in the last two weeks (it was like a bad breakup where you still had to deal with each other - very petty and childish behaviour on some of the partners' parts). is the firm as good as i think it is or are my glasses extra rosy?
i may not get much of a raise this year, if at all (although i should, because i'm at 5 years now), but i should damn well get a good bonus. i practically billed my entire salary last year - they got all my hard work for free, basically. they owe me something big.
i guess we'll see. i hate that i get hung up on this stuff. it should be good enough that i love my job and most of the people i work with. but it sucks that i can only just cover bills and make paltry contributions to various savings and RRSPs, having only a little left over for the week for incidentals.
then again, you can't take any of it with you so why get hung up on the fact that i can't buy more clothes or more purses or more shoes. i don't have anywhere to put them anyway.
but if i made more money, i could buy a bigger place and have more storage. sigh.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
junk
i was watching my favorite CBC program, The Hour, with Strombo (i love him) and he did this quickie report about how addictive junk food really is. something to do with rats and how the control rats didn't go for the healthy food when the red light was on because they knew they would get a shock but the experiment rats would continually get shocked, even though they knew they were going to, because they were jonesing so bad for the crap.
i totally get it. i always say, "okay, you know what, i'm just going to finish this bag of mini- Reeses peanut butter cups because then i can just start afresh." but then the PBCs turn into a pint of ice cream or a bag of chips and all of a sudden, i'm struggling to do up my pants again.
no, no, my friend. i must stop now. just as soon as i finish this bag of mini creme eggs. seriously, there's only two left. ugh, weekly weigh in time. this is not going to be pretty.
i totally get it. i always say, "okay, you know what, i'm just going to finish this bag of mini- Reeses peanut butter cups because then i can just start afresh." but then the PBCs turn into a pint of ice cream or a bag of chips and all of a sudden, i'm struggling to do up my pants again.
no, no, my friend. i must stop now. just as soon as i finish this bag of mini creme eggs. seriously, there's only two left. ugh, weekly weigh in time. this is not going to be pretty.
Friday, April 02, 2010
cocky
i'm eating again. it's because i fit into shit that i haven't been able to wear in years. so somehow, that tells my mind that i need to start eating junky food again. it doesn't help that it's Easter and all of my favorite junky chocolates are available at every turn. i've been doing jumping jacks and shadow sparring in between commercial breaks (because i'm also just sitting on my arse watching TV while i eat), just to feel like i haven't completely lost motivation.
it doesn't help that i stopped recording what i eat everyday. i'm still doing my sunday evening weigh-in and recording my measurements, but i was far more careful about what i ate when i had to remain conscious of it.
at least i've selected healthy choices for easter dinner, that i'm preparing for my parents. roast, salmon, yams, carrots. i need some green in there too so i think i'll do asparagus.
it doesn't help that i have a bad cold so taking Luna for her walks has been reduced to up and down the block again because i'm having trouble keeping my breath. that and i have to blow my nose every half block.
not excuses, just reasons. and now i can start over again. just as soon as i finish this bag of mini-creme eggs.
it doesn't help that i stopped recording what i eat everyday. i'm still doing my sunday evening weigh-in and recording my measurements, but i was far more careful about what i ate when i had to remain conscious of it.
at least i've selected healthy choices for easter dinner, that i'm preparing for my parents. roast, salmon, yams, carrots. i need some green in there too so i think i'll do asparagus.
it doesn't help that i have a bad cold so taking Luna for her walks has been reduced to up and down the block again because i'm having trouble keeping my breath. that and i have to blow my nose every half block.
not excuses, just reasons. and now i can start over again. just as soon as i finish this bag of mini-creme eggs.
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